OWN PRIVATE IDAHO  3:30 pm August 21, 2012

Koch Brothers’ Brother Builds Old-Timey Western Town In Which To Properly Go Galt

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

How the West was wonHiyo, David and Charles Koch! You guys are weird, but there is a method to your madness: you want to buy Wisconsin, and the presidency, and so you do. (Ol’ Romney’s a pretty good ROI, huh boys?) But what’s your brother Bill’s dealio? On what crazy-ass thing is he spending his billions today?

There’s a new town in Colorado. It has about 50 buildings, including a saloon, a church, a jail, a firehouse, a livery and a train station. Soon, it will have a mansion on a hill so the town’s founder can look down on his creation. But don’t expect to move here — or even to visit.

This town is billionaire Bill Koch’s fascination with the Old West rendered in bricks and mortar. It sits on a 420-acre meadow on his Bear Ranch below the Raggeds Wilderness Area in Gunnison County. It’s an unpopulated, faux Western town that might boggle the mind of anyone who ever had a playhouse. Its full-size buildings come with polished brass and carved-mahogany details and are fronted with board sidewalks and underpinned by a water-treatment system. A locked gate with guards screens who comes and goes.

It’s so cute how mad Mitt Romney and Fox get so mad at everybody CLASS WARRING on the POLITICS OF ENVY and ANGER, by pointing out that some people have much more than they could ever possibly need, when other people have refrigerators, so zip it, Karl Marx.

Anyhoo, dude’s got a lot of money, and sharing is for queers and French people, and which one are you? Nope he will just build himself a whole empty town, unpolluted by our ilk — unless he brings in one or two of us for a humdinger of a round of The Most Dangerous Game.

[DenverPost]

 
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{ 239 comments }

JudasPeckerwood August 21, 2012 at 3:32 pm

What, no human chessboard?

Pragmatist2 August 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Allusions to The Prisoner deserve double credit.

GhostBuggy August 21, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Buttsecks is a burden to others, and Wonkette a prison for oneself.

UnholyMoses August 21, 2012 at 3:41 pm

No, but there is peasant skeet every Thursday!

And everything is so green

Generation[redacted] August 21, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Knight, jump the Queen!

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 21, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Everybody jump the Queen!

glamourdammerung August 21, 2012 at 4:10 pm

"Some psychiatrists say it satisfies the desire for power."

Chichikovovich August 21, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Many urologists have a supplementary opinion.

CthuNHu August 21, 2012 at 4:32 pm

No, but he does hire actors to dress up in Western garb and shoot each other.

Some days he even comes down to watch.

emmelemm August 21, 2012 at 4:50 pm

With votes!

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:05 pm

"What, no human chessboard?"

That's what the Presidential race is for.

SorosBot August 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Are there cowboy robots that look like Yul Brynner too?

friendlyskies August 21, 2012 at 3:36 pm

And what happens when they…. "malfunction"?

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed!

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Hurr hurr hurr hurr … hurr … hurr

UnholyMoses August 21, 2012 at 3:41 pm

That depends on if the malfunction is legit or not.

SorosBot August 21, 2012 at 3:41 pm

The Free Market security team won't be rescuring anyone until you pony up the cash, that's for sure.

JustPixelz August 21, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I have a Roomba robot that looks like a giant aspirin. Has the same effect on the ladies too! Only oral while they hold it between their knees.

Boojum August 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm

West World libel!!!

SigDeFlyinMonky August 21, 2012 at 4:37 pm

…but since John Wayne was no longer available, they had to settle for Ronald Reagan.

Tundra Grifter August 21, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Nothing can go wrong…

johnnyzhivago August 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I have one of these too, but it's in my basement and also has trains running….

So fuck you Koch Brothers – if you don't have trains in your town, you don't know what you're missing.

Wonkeroo August 21, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Aw, we're being too tough on Bill Koch and his brothers. It's not their fault — there's a genetic screw loose that first came to light when their father, Fred, co-founded the John Birch Society.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

These guys are all nucking futs, but at least Billy is not an actual danger to society, unlike his sociopathic brothers. And unlike most billionaires, he's actually created some jerbs that aren't for domestic servants, chauffeurs, or yacht crews.

bumfug August 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm

First place the authorities oughta check when hobos start to go missing.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 21, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Haven't you learned from when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer? The authorities don't go crashing in on rich people. They just wait outside until you have sobered up and it is convenient for you to give a statement.

Tundra Grifter August 21, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Emperor of the North!

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:10 pm
ph7 August 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Thankfully, the Kochs will one day soon be part of the good 'ol days, too.

NorthStarSpanx August 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

The 21st Century Gilded Age, before the Hunger Games even starts, to star Bristol Palin.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/carnegie/gildedage.h

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Not soon enough.

Generation[redacted] August 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm

He's going to play his favorite game, Go ahead, pick up that gun.

Jus_Wonderin August 21, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I don't mean to question the logic of this but can't one build miniatures just beyond the window and achieve the same effect?

I mean, damn, this is the age of CGI. Hey, Koch, wear a Virtual Reality helmet and donate some of that cash for a good cause.

Oh, what the fuck am I thinking…………………..?

Generation[redacted] August 21, 2012 at 3:46 pm

What are you talking about? He donates lots of money to charity! The charity of elect Mitt Romney that is.

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 3:52 pm

No need for thinking on this one.

Texan_Bulldog August 21, 2012 at 3:34 pm

When does he hire a bunch of injuns for real shoot outs to the death with cowboys? Rich people have the weirdest fascinations.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 4:19 pm

The armed security force…PROTECTING AN EMPTY TOWN!…might take issue with intruders.

Tundra Grifter August 21, 2012 at 5:10 pm

The Most Dangerous Game?

Pragmatist2 August 21, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Does he dress in bare-backed chaps when he and his "friends" come to play?

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

We call those "bare-assed chaps," hon.

Jus_Wonderin August 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

While this type of chaps surely protects your chins from the brambles and briars I doubt it can fend of legitimate ass rapes.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Oh, LEGITIMATE ass rapes? Sorry, that's down the hall.

(returns to illegitimately raping Todd Akin's ass)

Harrison Wintergreen August 22, 2012 at 8:56 am

Err, aren't *all* chaps "bare-assed"? If they weren't, they'd be pants.

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:14 pm

"Does he dress in bare-backed chaps"

Brokeback chaps, if I know anything about it.

YouBetcha August 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Alrighty handsome young men: update your rentboy profiles, polish your boots, get your assless chaps ready. I have a feeling there will be a good work opportunity for you in the near future.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Don't even have to be *handsome,* long's they got a nice *ass.*

proudgrampa August 21, 2012 at 3:51 pm

You don't fuck the face!

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Dude, I'm not picky.

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:13 pm

You don't???

Uh oh.

LocalGirlMakesGoo August 21, 2012 at 3:47 pm

ARGH! ALL CHAPS ARE ASSLESS!

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 3:52 pm

yeah, that's why we like them!

Fox E. Puppet August 21, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Especially the "Bottomless Pitt". http://goo.gl/3CUkf

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Man, you had me all geared up for some serious ASS shots, and this is what I get? Here. Try THIS on for size.

ETA: TOTES mostly NSFW.

viennawoods13 August 21, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Oh my!! That was… nice (fans herself)

not that Dewey August 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Welcome to Standyourgroundville — population ME!

Beowoof August 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Real Live Hunger Games set, or more likely Blazing Saddles.

UnholyMoses August 21, 2012 at 3:43 pm

"The President's a nig–DING!"

WhatTheHeck August 21, 2012 at 4:24 pm

it's twue. it's twue.

MacRaith August 21, 2012 at 4:00 pm

"Mongo not know! Mongo just pawn in game of life."

LocalGirlMakesGoo August 21, 2012 at 4:26 pm

You know… morons!

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:16 pm

"Blazing Saddles"

Last time I watched that movie, I got to the part where the bad guys rode through the fake village.
When Sherrif Bart yelled, "Let's wipe 'em out!", I said, "Mr. President, I've been waiting three years to hear you say that", and burst into tears.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 8:04 pm

(Hugs tessiee) There, there, dear. It'll be OK. Barack will do it WITH VOTES.

comrad_darkness August 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Hey, graduates. Want a job as a gunslinger? No life insurance provided. See, these guys do create jobs! In this case, over and over and over again. Always a vacancy at Ranch Koch.

Xan August 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Actually, French people invented this, namely the charming, picturesque "hameau" at Versailles, where Marie A could pretend to be a simple shepherdess (while wearing 80 pounds of diamonds, and shoes that cost the equivalent of the national debt)

Jus_Wonderin August 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I doubt he'll stop here. What is an Old West town without a Hangin' Tree?

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

No Koch is ever hung in Kochville.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Yes, but are they *hanged*?

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:19 pm

I see what y'all done did thar.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Shhh!

WhatTheHeck August 21, 2012 at 4:26 pm

What is an Old West town without a Brothel?
Maybe there will be a couple in KochTownship.

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:29 pm

There are plenty of reich wing men who are already whores for the Koch Bros, but nobody wants to see them dressed as dance hall floozies.

…OK, Marcus B., but *almost* nobody.

Negropolis August 22, 2012 at 1:05 am

Utah. I think the answer is just plain "Utah."

Barrelhse August 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Boot Hill's lookin' awful vacant.

Goonemeritus August 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

If they are going for realism they will need some syphilitic prostitutes and a sheriff to collect guns from the new arrivals.

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 3:48 pm

At last, full employment for the Palin family!

Steverino247 August 21, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I see you haven't forgotten about the Village Idiot, too.

TeaNuts August 21, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Far to many people to employ, let's just find a syphilitic gay sheriff, fun and efficient!

viennawoods13 August 21, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Chinese guy with the pigs , too.

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:22 pm

"Chinese guy with the pigs"

???

Did you mean "pigs" as in farm animal, or "pigtail" as in braided hair-do?

viennawoods13 August 21, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Obviously you're not a Deadwood-er.

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:20 pm

"a sheriff to collect guns from the new arrivals."

I thought taking people's guns away was supposed to be our deal.

Goonemeritus August 21, 2012 at 8:21 pm

That was a shout out Fareed Zakaria and the piece that caused him to be accused of “plagiarism”. He apparently mixed up notes on an article with a hand written copy of the article. Anyhoo the article is as follows.

“As Adam Winkler, a constitutional-law scholar at U.C.L.A., demonstrates in a remarkably nuanced new book, “Gunfight: The Battle Over the Right to Bear Arms in America,” firearms have been regulated in the United States from the start. Laws banning the carrying of concealed weapons were passed in Kentucky and Louisiana in 1813, and other states soon followed: Indiana (1820), Tennessee and Virginia (1838), Alabama (1839), and Ohio (1859). Similar laws were passed in Texas, Florida, and Oklahoma. As the governor of Texas explained in 1893, the “mission of the concealed deadly weapon is murder. To check it is the duty of every self-respecting, law-abiding man."”

By the way I have yet to get through a day without being given credit for something I don’t deserve so I won’t be casting any stones his way. In point of fact I’m a huge fan of his work.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

With any luck, an even old-timeyer wildfire will burn it to the ground

ph7 August 21, 2012 at 3:54 pm

When the Sheriff asks for a waterpumper to spray the fire, the deputy will remind him we didn't build that.

An_Outhouse August 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Wait till it burns down because climate change isn't real.

SorosBot August 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Isn't much of Colorado on fire right now, because of global warmning?

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Pretty much, yeah.

Dr_pangloss August 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

This is Madness!

THIS! IS! KOCKTOWN!

mbobier August 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

See "Rome, ancient: decadence of…."

SorosBot August 21, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Except that these fucks are even trying to stop the government from giving us our bread and circuses.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Srsly. They apparently didn't read the parts of ancient history that explained WHY the Romans gave the people bread and circuses: because they're less likely to hang you from the nearest lamp-posts if they're busy eating and cheering the entertainment.

SorosBot August 21, 2012 at 4:05 pm

The ruling class is often like that, though; it was Julius Caesar who, along with the Tribune Publius Clodius, gave the Roman poors their free bread in the first place, and look what the other patricians did to him.

(Oh and Clodius was also assassinated, years earlier).

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I totes HEART your encyclopaedic knowledge of history, dear SorosBot. I could just sit and pick your brain for hours.

Negropolis August 22, 2012 at 1:06 am

Well, they sure as hell are providing the circus, if even by coicidence.

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:31 pm

"See "Rome, ancient: decadence of…." "

Yeah, but THEIR empire was declining!
Ha, ha, stupid Romans!
they…

Awwww.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Jesus fuck me. This is so reminiscent of the days before the tumbril. I feel a Baroness Orczyish swoon coming over me. (whips out lace-edged perfumed lawn hanky, delicately dabs at nostrils) Put my head where? But I'd have to *kneel* to … oh! (THUNK! rollrollroll *THUD*)

proudgrampa August 21, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Talk about reminiscing. I loved the Baroness (well, her novels).

They seek him here.
They seek him there.
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he in heaven?
Is he in hell?
That demmed elusive Pimpernel!

(I didn't even have to look that up!)

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:37 pm

My god, Grampa, you really ARE an Old! (hugs ProudGrampa) I loved the hell outa those books. Read 'em when I had measles as a wee sprog. Confined to my bed, and my room, which, thank deities, had a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf.

proudgrampa August 21, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Hugs back to you!

Did you ever see the Leslie Howard film? He was the quintessential Pimpernel.

And hey! I'm not THAT old! *gives MittBorg another hug*

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Yes! He played it SO camp! But I loved it. (Hugs you right back)

orygoon August 21, 2012 at 4:02 pm

That is awesome.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Wut, the execution? I loved the *rollrollroll,* myself. Really makes you feel like you're right there, like Madame DeFarge, watching the heads make it over to the basket near Madame La Guillotine.

Angry_Marmot August 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Looking forward to news that the (non-union) android citizens have gone all Westworld on their ass.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Yes, yesss, YESSSSS!!! (rubs palms together, wrings hands)

jodyleek August 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

The town is empty, just like his soul.

RRoccoco August 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Guests have to dress up like dance hall tarts while Bill goes all Yosemite Sam on them. Dance, I said, Dance! Yee-hah! Good times. Paul Ryan looks great in frills, flounces and feathers!

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Now that IS a visual. heh.

Fox E. Puppet August 21, 2012 at 4:14 pm

So are these: http://goo.gl/pWRb8

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Now I'll never sleep tonight.

Hammiepants August 21, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Wow. Whatever happened to just buying car elevators and dancing horses? Oh, wait…

NYNYNYjr August 21, 2012 at 6:24 pm

That's Millionaires, we're talking about Billionaires here. Where it's an art form trying to waste your ill-gotten gains.

Grief_Lessons August 21, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Building a life-size replica is bullshit. Build it seven times as big as life and I'll be impressed.

Jus_Wonderin August 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Why does this remind me of the Twilight Zone epi where Billy Mumy has his family under his tyranical control and tosses them in the Corn Patch if they counter him????

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I read that story when I was just a wee little kid. Oh, LORD, the fantasies it engendered. "YOU – IN the cornfield NOW!"

LetUsBray August 21, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Except that's what the Kochs are trying to make the whole damn country into.

gogogodzilla August 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

It's not Hedy, it's Hedley!

UnholyMoses August 21, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Except the Koch's will gladly take the Irish.

Just not those … um … "others" …

coolhandnuke August 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

The town needs a High Plains Grifter as the saloon floozy, servicing the Good the Bad and the Ugly for a Fistful of Dollars.

Jus_Wonderin August 21, 2012 at 3:42 pm

That's a problem. His brothers can only be in town for limited engagements.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Man, you are *sizzling* today! What's gotten into ya, dude?

Jus_Wonderin August 21, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I took yesterday off, and abstained. So I guess I have pent up commentalia.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Wooh! (upfists J_W from a distance)

MaxNeanderthal August 21, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Cue the harmonica theme from "Once upon a time in the west".

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Ooee ooee ooh, wah wah wah…

pdiddycornchips August 21, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Didn't Sergio Leone had one of these? His wasn't a total waste

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Hopefully it will have all of the dysentery, consumption and scarlet fever of an old-timey town as well.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I don't mind in the least if they get all modern and throw in a little Ebola for good measure.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 21, 2012 at 4:00 pm

This story just made my pness get slightly bigger!

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Yay! (upfists BSFD again just for luck)

RadioBowels August 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Hitch up Rifalca!

Callyson August 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

What, no public hanging stand?

Tundra Grifter August 21, 2012 at 5:15 pm

In his fascinating autobiography "Helldorado," Billy Breakenridge wrote that late in his life an Arizona sheriff sent him an invitation to a hanging.

Since he'd been to three already – none as a result of a decision by a judge or jury – he passed.

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:35 pm

"no public hanging stand?"

Now why would you assume that?

Callyson August 21, 2012 at 7:55 pm

With the Kochs, I would have thought it would be the main form of entertainment and received star billing. Or maybe they prefer to use a quiet room somewhere…

ttommyunger August 21, 2012 at 3:42 pm

…and yet, when he passes a mirror, he still sees a pasty-faced pant-load with a tiny dick that just never seemed to work right.

Not_So_Much August 21, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Lookit all the jerbs he's creatin'!

wait, what?

NYNYNYjr August 21, 2012 at 6:23 pm

He's creating jerbs- temporary construction jobs, and permanent security/henchman jobs. And being the prey in THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME OF ALL is sort of a job. Well, an activity at least.

SorosBot August 21, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Maybe if someone bought the Kochs a copy of The Sims they could be happy paying their fair share in taxes.

MaxNeanderthal August 21, 2012 at 3:44 pm

As was said of Basil Fawlty- "There's enough material there for an entire conference".

Weenus299 August 21, 2012 at 3:45 pm

And this is the sane Koch. The one who has sex with women. OK, girls. And drinks and sails and has a good time and challenges all his personal mistakes in court with people who put one over on him.

There's just no good Koch in the world anymore.

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Too true!

SorosBot August 21, 2012 at 3:45 pm

The Koch brothers are all Bad and Ugly, but none of them are any Good.

HarryButtle August 21, 2012 at 3:45 pm

He built Rock Ridge!

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 3:52 pm

All by himself. Take THAT Mister Barry Preznit.

Generation[redacted] August 21, 2012 at 3:54 pm

He did it for Randolph Scott.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:00 pm

When someone makes a move
Of which we don't approve
Who is it that always intervenes?
UN and OAS
They have their place, I guess
But when in doubt?
Send the Marines!

We'll send them all we've got
John Wayne, and Randolph Scott
Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
To the halls of Tripoli
But not to Mississippoli
Whado we do?
We send the Marines!

Fox E. Puppet August 21, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"Turning into Randolph Scott
Somethings never change
Dried Up and solitary
Alkali on the range"

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Oh, I LERVE that. Wut's it from?

Fox E. Puppet August 21, 2012 at 8:52 pm

It's from a Leo Kottke Song called, "Turning into Randolph Scott". I can't find a Youtube to share, though- I'm sorry.

Rickie Lee Jones produced & sings on it, though…

ETA: You might like this?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La-QiWzwgOM

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 21, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Yep, wouldn't want to raise taxes on the wealthy at all. No way the government could do something productive like help the poor, preserve the environment, or explore space with that money. So much better that a rich person can build his own private masturbatorium with it.

Jimmyone August 21, 2012 at 6:00 pm

yup way tooo much un-taxed money.

Uh can I say fuck bill and the helicopter he flies in with?

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:38 pm

True, all true.

Then again, every dollar they're spending on this folly is a dollar that's NOT getting spent to buy the Presidency for Ryan and his sidekick what's his face.

Generation[redacted] August 21, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I hope Dick Cheney brings his shotgun.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 21, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Dick Cheney once shot a man just to see him die.

Gorillionaire August 21, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Well, it is just slightly less embarrassing that hiring a hooker to jerk you off constantly in public. I guess.

Jus_Wonderin August 21, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I can bet it is difficult to find a hooker with sufficiently tiny hands to make his member look larger.

UnholyMoses August 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm

So what the hell will take to get all the Randroids to move there and leave the rest of us the fuck alone?

PubOption August 21, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Just call the place Galt's Gulch.

Poindexter718 August 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm

In Bill Koch's western hamlet, a slick investor comes in, buys up all the surrounding land, fires all the cowboys and replaces them w/ immigrant Chinese Kao-Pokes. As the slick stranger rides off into the sunset, a young boy whose father got whacked can be heard crying out: "Bain, come back, Bain!"

SayItWithWookies August 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Its full-size buildings come with polished brass and carved-mahogany details and are fronted with board sidewalks and underpinned by a water-treatment system.

Now this irks me — these pro-fracking motherfuckers are ruining the groundwater for generations to come, and yet this motherfucking asshole builds a water treatment system for his fucking imaginary fucking town. What the fuck.

NYNYNYjr August 21, 2012 at 6:20 pm

As Bill would say; My dollhouse is worth more to me than all the lives of all the poor people in the world.

sullivanst August 21, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Bill Koch, you didn't build that.

mavenmaven August 21, 2012 at 3:54 pm

GOP hypocritical gay bondage orgy headquarters!

OzoneTom August 21, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Hmmm, "420-acre" and Colorado…

GeorgiaBurning August 21, 2012 at 4:13 pm

It is an amazing coincidence

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Paging Miss Kitty!

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:43 pm

^. .^
= . =

Blueb4sinrise August 21, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Photo at Denver Post looks like a Kincade painting.

Incitefully_Joe August 21, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I think Becca has this whole thing backwards. If I were a lunatic billionare asshole, would it make more sense for me to spend the millions that are literally just carried interest on the MORE MONEY THAN ANYONE CAN SPEND IN A HUMAN LIFETIME that I have on:

a) Purchasing the office in President of the United States, in order to accumulate more of that money that I could literally not spend all of even if I wanted to,

or

b) Build real-life adult playgrounds, for fun, because I'm a lunatic billionaire and this is the equivalent of a normal person dropping $50 on a video game or a night of binge-drinking.

I think, in that context, Bill is actually by far the more sane of the Koch brothers.

Rotundo_ August 21, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Ko-Rect! It's the other two you have to worry about, Billy is just having a good time.

horsedreamer_1 August 21, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Rich & eccentric is always the way to go. Or, better Howard Hughes than Rich De Vos.

emmelemm August 21, 2012 at 7:56 pm

It's kinda like those eccentric rich hoarder brothers in NYC who died buried under all their stuff.

As long as he's spending it on his own personal folly, who cares?

TanzbodenKoenig August 21, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Can anyone kindly point me in the general direction of the Bastille? I think its about time for a good ol' fashioned stormin

ChillBill August 21, 2012 at 4:01 pm

The Kochs may own an old west town, but the Sheriff is still a nig[loud clock bell chimes].

HogeyeGrex August 21, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Well, since I'm convinced that we really are living in some sort of Twilight Zone episode made flesh these days, this has the potential to work out rather poorly in the end for Sir Koch.

proudgrampa August 21, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Indeed.

This is just another one of those cases where a person has entirely too much time (and money) on his hands.

This is also why the rich should get higher tax rates, so they can't afford shit like this.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Hear, hear. I'll fucking drink to that. Grrr.

orygoon August 21, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Assuming it is in fire country, who's he gonna call if???

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I b'leev CO has laid off plenty of firefighters. Maybe this Kochsucker has his own fire squad?

fartknocker August 21, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Does the General Store using Koch coins and usury so all the mine workers sell there souls to the company store? Can we send in Big John the miner and have him whip the Koch Brothers asses?

hagajim August 21, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Modern day Galt's Gulch, which I think was in Colorado.

bfddad August 21, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Uh, so what's the job interview for the security guard at the gate like – "Yeah, you'll be manning the gate here, there's no one in the town, you can't go there, but you sit here all day and don't let anyone in. Any questions?"

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Of course it's uninhabited! Bill Koch only takes out his People and plays with them in the privacy of his compound.

Franknflower August 21, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Just appreciate how many jobs he created in the construction of this town!!!

Baconzgood August 21, 2012 at 4:07 pm

http://danteworlds.laits.utexas.edu/circle3.html

That's it. I'm too sick to snark.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:45 pm

(hugs the Baconz)

Baconzgood August 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Thanks. Only you read all comments.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Even the AynRandian taglines ppl choose. (Hugs you again) Don't want my Baconz to feel anything but GOOD.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 21, 2012 at 4:09 pm

According to the Denver Post this place is full of millions of dollars of old west memorabilia. CAN NOT WAIT for it to burn down.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:46 pm

So, uh, maybe a road trip? You up or a little wintertime "chestnut-roasting"?

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 21, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Sweet! I'm gonna make t-shirts. Would "Lethal Bear Ranch Wildfire Roadtrip" be too obvious? Down below they will say "Roasting weenies since 2012".

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 5:35 pm

I'm counting on Teh Stoopit being HIGH among our fellow-Amercians. Will they notice? Probly not. Give 'em a beer.

pdiddycornchips August 21, 2012 at 4:10 pm

He really wanted a hollowed out volcano but EPA requires a plan to safely store all that liquid hot magma. Then there's all that Clean Air Act red tape. This is a perfect example of how regulations strangle business!

Pithaughn August 21, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Close, they already hollowed out the mountains nearby. 100 railroad cars a day, each with 1000 tons of coal. For decades. One can drive literally miles into the mountains and find ventilation shafts for mines that go on and on.

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Koch employs a full-time Piano De-Tuner for the Brothel Lobby, as well as a Certified Tumbleweed Wrangler.

DahBoner August 21, 2012 at 4:18 pm

10¢ Baths, 25¢ Shaves and $2 Whores????

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 4:20 pm

That's nothing. David Koch is so ungodly rich that he has built a working, inhabited replica of Toon Town from the film "Roger Rabbit"! (And by "inhabited," I mean that he has also constructed the world's largest plastic surgery medical complex next door.)

Jon Henshaw August 21, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I would actually be for this if he did something useful with it, like bringing back the Firefly TV series and filming it there.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 21, 2012 at 4:22 pm

If I had billions I’d build small villages and dress up in a Godzilla suit and go stomping. There would still be money left over for the poors.

Angry_Marmot August 21, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Phil Foglio's gotcha covered.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Oh, no! There goes Tokyo!

emmelemm August 21, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Now that's brilliant!

pdiddycornchips August 21, 2012 at 4:36 pm

If I had a billion dollars I would spend so much money on blow and hookers Charlie Sheen would be jealous

proudgrampa August 21, 2012 at 4:43 pm

My four year old grandson does this all the time. Without the billions or the Godzilla suit. Course, that doesn't leave me any money…

poorgradstudent August 21, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Not that it will make any real difference, but it is nice to see the Kochs undermining their own assertion that private wealth just automatically leads to jobs at pretty much every opportunity.

mustangsavvy August 21, 2012 at 4:29 pm

The crazy is strong in this Koch.

Pres.Beeblebrox August 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Where's the giant Golden Sign of the Dollar?

Pithaughn August 21, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I'm from there, literally, my grand parents homesteaded in the North Fork Valley, Paonia.
You know what though? I'm glad he built this because it puts the lie that regulations and Obama are causing the coal miners all their woes out to pasture, or meadow in this case. Bull pucky , obviously there are plenty of profits to be made from coal mining. Rich , really super duper rich people who "own" stuff are the cause of your woes my friends. Corporations may be people but they are not your friend.
Oh yeah, my grand father worked in the Bowie and the Somerset mines, for 10 years, 6 days a week, 12 hours a day, you got Christmas and your birthday off also. He at least did not end up owing his soul to the company store though, like almost everybody else in town. The mine owners in Colorado ( every where? ) have a long tradition of voraciously exploiting the people and the environment with all the help they need from politicians and law enforcement.

Fox n Fiends August 21, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Ain't that America? and ain't that where America is headed again….

anniegetyerfun August 21, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I think they should build a few hundred more of these. Maybe a few thousand. It's a good use of their money.

Wadisay August 21, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I want to walk into the bar and say, "Who's the owner of this shithole? You, fat man, speak up."

BlueStateLibel August 21, 2012 at 4:53 pm

You know what other 1 percenter had their own little play world like this? – Marie Antointette (miniature sheep farm at Versailles), and we all know how well that turned out.

Fox n Fiends August 21, 2012 at 5:02 pm

What's the big deal? Scientology has a dozen of these.

BZ1 August 21, 2012 at 5:39 pm

watch out for the gunslinger that looks just like Yul Brynner!

dennis1943 August 21, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I have a dream……….it involves hacking a drone…………

MinAgain August 21, 2012 at 6:13 pm

"Shane! SHANE! Come back!"

No, seriously. Come back and kick this obnoxious poseur's rich white ass.

NYNYNYjr August 21, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I love reading about the hobbies of our overlords.

operationpurple August 21, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I bet he still uses their cheap toilet paper though

bauserdotcom August 21, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Fucking LARPers!

Barrelhse August 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm
SigDeFlyinMonky August 21, 2012 at 9:33 pm

May the ghosts of the dead miners women and children of the Ludlow strike infest his fevered dreams. Better yet, let's play Caldwell Idaho Christmas Suprise. Wild Bill can be ex-governor Steunenberg.

thurufally August 21, 2012 at 9:49 pm

40 Acres and a Jackass

Barrelhse August 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Wait until the High Plains Drifter hears about this.

ImForMitt! August 21, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Bill Koch is a fervent defender of our god-given right to bear arms. Here's a story about Bill giving the local peasantry a "lil show of force" with an anti-aircraft tank.
http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_21016506/tianan

Of course, some America hating, flip-flop wearing hairdresser (you know, "those people" are always "that way") opposed this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6DtDxaz_yg

Remember, when rumbling an anti-aircraft tank down the streets of Paonia is outlawed, only outlaws will rumble an anti-aircraft tank down the streets of Paonia.

Negropolis August 22, 2012 at 12:59 am

Wait, you know who else built a faux village for their own amusement?

viennawoods13 August 22, 2012 at 1:01 am

Marie Antoinette?

Negropolis August 22, 2012 at 1:21 am

Honestly, do these 1% not even try, anymore?

barbonine August 22, 2012 at 1:08 am

The Most Dangerous Game?

I accept the challenge.

LibertyLover August 22, 2012 at 1:29 am

His own personal West World.

We know how that turned out…

Nesnora August 22, 2012 at 11:14 am

Does that mean he wants us to round-up an army of bandits to plunder, burn and hang him from his own mahogany gallows like every corrupt town mayor villain in every western ever made? 'Cause I'll be his huckleberry. I'll even wear a costume.

randcoolcatdaddy August 22, 2012 at 11:44 am

And the John Wayne resurrection happens when?

Robman2 August 22, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Stalin's money put to use in real old timey ways.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 7:25 pm

I was fanning myself a WHOLE LOT too. That's what I call some prime hunkage.

tessiee August 21, 2012 at 7:25 pm

"Leslie Howard"

There was an interesting (if you like that sort of thing) discussion about who they would cast in a modern remake of "Gone with the Wind". There was not much consensus — even on whether it could be done at all — but everyone agreed that Ashley could only be Ryan Gosling.

viennawoods13 August 21, 2012 at 7:34 pm

All I can think to say is… All of 'em, Katie!

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Your wit is wasted on me m'dear — I have no idea who Ryan Gosling is. However, in the interest of comity, I shall go look him up on Wikipedia forthwith.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Never seen any of his movies, but Lars and the Real Girl is in the queue.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Definitely a Madeline Kahn moment.

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 10:53 pm

That is SO nice of you. Thanks! I'm sure one of the many Oldz of my acquaintance will have it.

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