Koch Brothers’ Brother Builds Old-Timey Western Town In Which To Properly Go Galt

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How the West was wonHiyo, David and Charles Koch! You guys are weird, but there is a method to your madness: you want to buy Wisconsin, and the presidency, and so you do. (Ol’ Romney’s a pretty good ROI, huh boys?) But what’s your brother Bill’s dealio? On what crazy-ass thing is he spending his billions today?

There’s a new town in Colorado. It has about 50 buildings, including a saloon, a church, a jail, a firehouse, a livery and a train station. Soon, it will have a mansion on a hill so the town’s founder can look down on his creation. But don’t expect to move here — or even to visit.

This town is billionaire Bill Koch’s fascination with the Old West rendered in bricks and mortar. It sits on a 420-acre meadow on his Bear Ranch below the Raggeds Wilderness Area in Gunnison County. It’s an unpopulated, faux Western town that might boggle the mind of anyone who ever had a playhouse. Its full-size buildings come with polished brass and carved-mahogany details and are fronted with board sidewalks and underpinned by a water-treatment system. A locked gate with guards screens who comes and goes.

It’s so cute how mad Mitt Romney and Fox get so mad at everybody CLASS WARRING on the POLITICS OF ENVY and ANGER, by pointing out that some people have much more than they could ever possibly need, when other people have refrigerators, so zip it, Karl Marx.

 
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Anyhoo, dude’s got a lot of money, and sharing is for queers and French people, and which one are you? Nope he will just build himself a whole empty town, unpolluted by our ilk — unless he brings in one or two of us for a humdinger of a round of The Most Dangerous Game.

[DenverPost]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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239 comments

    1. CthuNHu

      No, but he does hire actors to dress up in Western garb and shoot each other.

      Some days he even comes down to watch.

      1. actor212

        Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed! Heh, indeed!

      2. SorosBot

        The Free Market security team won't be rescuring anyone until you pony up the cash, that's for sure.

    1. JustPixelz

      I have a Roomba robot that looks like a giant aspirin. Has the same effect on the ladies too! Only oral while they hold it between their knees.

    2. SigDeFlyinMonky

      …but since John Wayne was no longer available, they had to settle for Ronald Reagan.

  1. johnnyzhivago

    I have one of these too, but it's in my basement and also has trains running….

    So fuck you Koch Brothers – if you don't have trains in your town, you don't know what you're missing.

    1. Wonkeroo

      Aw, we're being too tough on Bill Koch and his brothers. It's not their fault — there's a genetic screw loose that first came to light when their father, Fred, co-founded the John Birch Society.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      These guys are all nucking futs, but at least Billy is not an actual danger to society, unlike his sociopathic brothers. And unlike most billionaires, he's actually created some jerbs that aren't for domestic servants, chauffeurs, or yacht crews.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Haven't you learned from when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer? The authorities don't go crashing in on rich people. They just wait outside until you have sobered up and it is convenient for you to give a statement.

  2. Jus_Wonderin

    I don't mean to question the logic of this but can't one build miniatures just beyond the window and achieve the same effect?

    I mean, damn, this is the age of CGI. Hey, Koch, wear a Virtual Reality helmet and donate some of that cash for a good cause.

    Oh, what the fuck am I thinking…………………..?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      What are you talking about? He donates lots of money to charity! The charity of elect Mitt Romney that is.

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    When does he hire a bunch of injuns for real shoot outs to the death with cowboys? Rich people have the weirdest fascinations.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        While this type of chaps surely protects your chins from the brambles and briars I doubt it can fend of legitimate ass rapes.

  4. YouBetcha

    Alrighty handsome young men: update your rentboy profiles, polish your boots, get your assless chaps ready. I have a feeling there will be a good work opportunity for you in the near future.

    1. tessiee

      "Blazing Saddles"

      Last time I watched that movie, I got to the part where the bad guys rode through the fake village.
      When Sherrif Bart yelled, "Let's wipe 'em out!", I said, "Mr. President, I've been waiting three years to hear you say that", and burst into tears.

  5. comrad_darkness

    Hey, graduates. Want a job as a gunslinger? No life insurance provided. See, these guys do create jobs! In this case, over and over and over again. Always a vacancy at Ranch Koch.

  6. Xan

    Actually, French people invented this, namely the charming, picturesque "hameau" at Versailles, where Marie A could pretend to be a simple shepherdess (while wearing 80 pounds of diamonds, and shoes that cost the equivalent of the national debt)

      1. tessiee

        There are plenty of reich wing men who are already whores for the Koch Bros, but nobody wants to see them dressed as dance hall floozies.

        …OK, Marcus B., but *almost* nobody.

  7. Goonemeritus

    If they are going for realism they will need some syphilitic prostitutes and a sheriff to collect guns from the new arrivals.

      1. tessiee

        "Chinese guy with the pigs"

        ???

        Did you mean "pigs" as in farm animal, or "pigtail" as in braided hair-do?

    1. tessiee

      "a sheriff to collect guns from the new arrivals."

      I thought taking people's guns away was supposed to be our deal.

      1. Goonemeritus

        That was a shout out Fareed Zakaria and the piece that caused him to be accused of “plagiarism”. He apparently mixed up notes on an article with a hand written copy of the article. Anyhoo the article is as follows.

        “As Adam Winkler, a constitutional-law scholar at U.C.L.A., demonstrates in a remarkably nuanced new book, “Gunfight: The Battle Over the Right to Bear Arms in America,” firearms have been regulated in the United States from the start. Laws banning the carrying of concealed weapons were passed in Kentucky and Louisiana in 1813, and other states soon followed: Indiana (1820), Tennessee and Virginia (1838), Alabama (1839), and Ohio (1859). Similar laws were passed in Texas, Florida, and Oklahoma. As the governor of Texas explained in 1893, the “mission of the concealed deadly weapon is murder. To check it is the duty of every self-respecting, law-abiding man."”

        By the way I have yet to get through a day without being given credit for something I don’t deserve so I won’t be casting any stones his way. In point of fact I’m a huge fan of his work.

    1. ph7

      When the Sheriff asks for a waterpumper to spray the fire, the deputy will remind him we didn't build that.

    1. SorosBot

      Except that these fucks are even trying to stop the government from giving us our bread and circuses.

      1. MittBorg

        Srsly. They apparently didn't read the parts of ancient history that explained WHY the Romans gave the people bread and circuses: because they're less likely to hang you from the nearest lamp-posts if they're busy eating and cheering the entertainment.

        1. SorosBot

          The ruling class is often like that, though; it was Julius Caesar who, along with the Tribune Publius Clodius, gave the Roman poors their free bread in the first place, and look what the other patricians did to him.

          (Oh and Clodius was also assassinated, years earlier).

    2. tessiee

      "See "Rome, ancient: decadence of…." "

      Yeah, but THEIR empire was declining!
      Ha, ha, stupid Romans!
      they…

      Awwww.

  8. MittBorg

    Jesus fuck me. This is so reminiscent of the days before the tumbril. I feel a Baroness Orczyish swoon coming over me. (whips out lace-edged perfumed lawn hanky, delicately dabs at nostrils) Put my head where? But I'd have to *kneel* to … oh! (THUNK! rollrollroll *THUD*)

    1. proudgrampa

      Talk about reminiscing. I loved the Baroness (well, her novels).

      They seek him here.
      They seek him there.
      Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
      Is he in heaven?
      Is he in hell?
      That demmed elusive Pimpernel!

      (I didn't even have to look that up!)

      1. MittBorg

        My god, Grampa, you really ARE an Old! (hugs ProudGrampa) I loved the hell outa those books. Read 'em when I had measles as a wee sprog. Confined to my bed, and my room, which, thank deities, had a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf.

        1. proudgrampa

          Hugs back to you!

          Did you ever see the Leslie Howard film? He was the quintessential Pimpernel.

          And hey! I'm not THAT old! *gives MittBorg another hug*

          1. tessiee

            "Leslie Howard"

            There was an interesting (if you like that sort of thing) discussion about who they would cast in a modern remake of "Gone with the Wind". There was not much consensus — even on whether it could be done at all — but everyone agreed that Ashley could only be Ryan Gosling.

          2. MittBorg

            Your wit is wasted on me m'dear — I have no idea who Ryan Gosling is. However, in the interest of comity, I shall go look him up on Wikipedia forthwith.

      1. MittBorg

        Wut, the execution? I loved the *rollrollroll,* myself. Really makes you feel like you're right there, like Madame DeFarge, watching the heads make it over to the basket near Madame La Guillotine.

  9. Angry_Marmot

    Looking forward to news that the (non-union) android citizens have gone all Westworld on their ass.

  10. RRoccoco

    Guests have to dress up like dance hall tarts while Bill goes all Yosemite Sam on them. Dance, I said, Dance! Yee-hah! Good times. Paul Ryan looks great in frills, flounces and feathers!

    1. NYNYNYjr

      That's Millionaires, we're talking about Billionaires here. Where it's an art form trying to waste your ill-gotten gains.

  11. Grief_Lessons

    Building a life-size replica is bullshit. Build it seven times as big as life and I'll be impressed.

  12. Jus_Wonderin

    Why does this remind me of the Twilight Zone epi where Billy Mumy has his family under his tyranical control and tosses them in the Corn Patch if they counter him????

  13. coolhandnuke

    The town needs a High Plains Grifter as the saloon floozy, servicing the Good the Bad and the Ugly for a Fistful of Dollars.

  14. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hopefully it will have all of the dysentery, consumption and scarlet fever of an old-timey town as well.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      In his fascinating autobiography "Helldorado," Billy Breakenridge wrote that late in his life an Arizona sheriff sent him an invitation to a hanging.

      Since he'd been to three already – none as a result of a decision by a judge or jury – he passed.

      1. Callyson

        With the Kochs, I would have thought it would be the main form of entertainment and received star billing. Or maybe they prefer to use a quiet room somewhere…

  15. ttommyunger

    …and yet, when he passes a mirror, he still sees a pasty-faced pant-load with a tiny dick that just never seemed to work right.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      He's creating jerbs- temporary construction jobs, and permanent security/henchman jobs. And being the prey in THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME OF ALL is sort of a job. Well, an activity at least.

  16. SorosBot

    Maybe if someone bought the Kochs a copy of The Sims they could be happy paying their fair share in taxes.

  17. Weenus299

    And this is the sane Koch. The one who has sex with women. OK, girls. And drinks and sails and has a good time and challenges all his personal mistakes in court with people who put one over on him.

    There's just no good Koch in the world anymore.

      1. MittBorg

        When someone makes a move
        Of which we don't approve
        Who is it that always intervenes?
        UN and OAS
        They have their place, I guess
        But when in doubt?
        Send the Marines!

        We'll send them all we've got
        John Wayne, and Randolph Scott
        Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
        To the halls of Tripoli
        But not to Mississippoli
        Whado we do?
        We send the Marines!

      2. Fox E. Puppet

        "Turning into Randolph Scott
        Somethings never change
        Dried Up and solitary
        Alkali on the range"

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Yep, wouldn't want to raise taxes on the wealthy at all. No way the government could do something productive like help the poor, preserve the environment, or explore space with that money. So much better that a rich person can build his own private masturbatorium with it.

    1. Jimmyone

      yup way tooo much un-taxed money.

      Uh can I say fuck bill and the helicopter he flies in with?

    2. tessiee

      True, all true.

      Then again, every dollar they're spending on this folly is a dollar that's NOT getting spent to buy the Presidency for Ryan and his sidekick what's his face.

  19. Gorillionaire

    Well, it is just slightly less embarrassing that hiring a hooker to jerk you off constantly in public. I guess.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I can bet it is difficult to find a hooker with sufficiently tiny hands to make his member look larger.

  20. UnholyMoses

    So what the hell will take to get all the Randroids to move there and leave the rest of us the fuck alone?

  21. Poindexter718

    In Bill Koch's western hamlet, a slick investor comes in, buys up all the surrounding land, fires all the cowboys and replaces them w/ immigrant Chinese Kao-Pokes. As the slick stranger rides off into the sunset, a young boy whose father got whacked can be heard crying out: "Bain, come back, Bain!"

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Its full-size buildings come with polished brass and carved-mahogany details and are fronted with board sidewalks and underpinned by a water-treatment system.

    Now this irks me — these pro-fracking motherfuckers are ruining the groundwater for generations to come, and yet this motherfucking asshole builds a water treatment system for his fucking imaginary fucking town. What the fuck.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      As Bill would say; My dollhouse is worth more to me than all the lives of all the poor people in the world.

  23. Incitefully_Joe

    I think Becca has this whole thing backwards. If I were a lunatic billionare asshole, would it make more sense for me to spend the millions that are literally just carried interest on the MORE MONEY THAN ANYONE CAN SPEND IN A HUMAN LIFETIME that I have on:

    a) Purchasing the office in President of the United States, in order to accumulate more of that money that I could literally not spend all of even if I wanted to,

    or

    b) Build real-life adult playgrounds, for fun, because I'm a lunatic billionaire and this is the equivalent of a normal person dropping $50 on a video game or a night of binge-drinking.

    I think, in that context, Bill is actually by far the more sane of the Koch brothers.

    1. emmelemm

      It's kinda like those eccentric rich hoarder brothers in NYC who died buried under all their stuff.

      As long as he's spending it on his own personal folly, who cares?

  24. HogeyeGrex

    Well, since I'm convinced that we really are living in some sort of Twilight Zone episode made flesh these days, this has the potential to work out rather poorly in the end for Sir Koch.

  25. proudgrampa

    Indeed.

    This is just another one of those cases where a person has entirely too much time (and money) on his hands.

    This is also why the rich should get higher tax rates, so they can't afford shit like this.

  26. fartknocker

    Does the General Store using Koch coins and usury so all the mine workers sell there souls to the company store? Can we send in Big John the miner and have him whip the Koch Brothers asses?

  27. bfddad

    Uh, so what's the job interview for the security guard at the gate like – "Yeah, you'll be manning the gate here, there's no one in the town, you can't go there, but you sit here all day and don't let anyone in. Any questions?"

  28. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    According to the Denver Post this place is full of millions of dollars of old west memorabilia. CAN NOT WAIT for it to burn down.

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Sweet! I'm gonna make t-shirts. Would "Lethal Bear Ranch Wildfire Roadtrip" be too obvious? Down below they will say "Roasting weenies since 2012".

  29. pdiddycornchips

    He really wanted a hollowed out volcano but EPA requires a plan to safely store all that liquid hot magma. Then there's all that Clean Air Act red tape. This is a perfect example of how regulations strangle business!

    1. Pithaughn

      Close, they already hollowed out the mountains nearby. 100 railroad cars a day, each with 1000 tons of coal. For decades. One can drive literally miles into the mountains and find ventilation shafts for mines that go on and on.

  30. Chet Kincaid_

    That's nothing. David Koch is so ungodly rich that he has built a working, inhabited replica of Toon Town from the film "Roger Rabbit"! (And by "inhabited," I mean that he has also constructed the world's largest plastic surgery medical complex next door.)

  31. Monsieur_Grumpe

    If I had billions I’d build small villages and dress up in a Godzilla suit and go stomping. There would still be money left over for the poors.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      If I had a billion dollars I would spend so much money on blow and hookers Charlie Sheen would be jealous

    2. proudgrampa

      My four year old grandson does this all the time. Without the billions or the Godzilla suit. Course, that doesn't leave me any money…

  32. poorgradstudent

    Not that it will make any real difference, but it is nice to see the Kochs undermining their own assertion that private wealth just automatically leads to jobs at pretty much every opportunity.

  33. Pithaughn

    I'm from there, literally, my grand parents homesteaded in the North Fork Valley, Paonia.
    You know what though? I'm glad he built this because it puts the lie that regulations and Obama are causing the coal miners all their woes out to pasture, or meadow in this case. Bull pucky , obviously there are plenty of profits to be made from coal mining. Rich , really super duper rich people who "own" stuff are the cause of your woes my friends. Corporations may be people but they are not your friend.
    Oh yeah, my grand father worked in the Bowie and the Somerset mines, for 10 years, 6 days a week, 12 hours a day, you got Christmas and your birthday off also. He at least did not end up owing his soul to the company store though, like almost everybody else in town. The mine owners in Colorado ( every where? ) have a long tradition of voraciously exploiting the people and the environment with all the help they need from politicians and law enforcement.

  34. anniegetyerfun

    I think they should build a few hundred more of these. Maybe a few thousand. It's a good use of their money.

  35. Wadisay

    I want to walk into the bar and say, "Who's the owner of this shithole? You, fat man, speak up."

  36. BlueStateLibel

    You know what other 1 percenter had their own little play world like this? – Marie Antointette (miniature sheep farm at Versailles), and we all know how well that turned out.

  37. MinAgain

    "Shane! SHANE! Come back!"

    No, seriously. Come back and kick this obnoxious poseur's rich white ass.

  38. SigDeFlyinMonky

    May the ghosts of the dead miners women and children of the Ludlow strike infest his fevered dreams. Better yet, let's play Caldwell Idaho Christmas Suprise. Wild Bill can be ex-governor Steunenberg.

  39. ImForMitt!

    Bill Koch is a fervent defender of our god-given right to bear arms. Here's a story about Bill giving the local peasantry a "lil show of force" with an anti-aircraft tank.
    http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_21016506/tianan

    Of course, some America hating, flip-flop wearing hairdresser (you know, "those people" are always "that way") opposed this.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6DtDxaz_yg

    Remember, when rumbling an anti-aircraft tank down the streets of Paonia is outlawed, only outlaws will rumble an anti-aircraft tank down the streets of Paonia.

  40. Nesnora

    Does that mean he wants us to round-up an army of bandits to plunder, burn and hang him from his own mahogany gallows like every corrupt town mayor villain in every western ever made? 'Cause I'll be his huckleberry. I'll even wear a costume.

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