ENDLESS DERP  2:09 pm August 21, 2012

Todd Akin’s Final Answer: He’s In It To Win It! (Also Too, 9/11)

by Jim Newell

Jesus turns a poopy into a babyVaginal magic expert Rep. Todd Akin has just gone on the Mike Huckabee radio show to announce his final decision before today’s 5:00 drop-out deadline and LOL, he’s staying in. The reason is the same as yesterday: 9/11, and how the first responders wouldn’t want him to quit!…?? Hoo boy. We could see this coming, his defiant non-quitting of the Missouri Senate race, as soon as the National Review posted an editorial calling on him to drop out yesterday. When does that ever work?

Akin suggested that he’s received lots of “grassroots support,” presumably meaning small donors who appreciate him sticking up to the slickster suits in Washington. We’re anxious to see the “haul.” And Akin will need all of that now that the NRSC, Crossroads, and all the other great big GOP money planets have told him they’ll offer him no more cash. Ha! Just kidding, these groups will have to go back to supporting him now! They need that seat to win the Senate, the goddamn Senate man.

Also expect to see all of the conservative pundits who were denouncing his disgusting comments (solely because they wanted him to drop out and allow them to put a better candidate in there) revert to “he was taken out of context,” “Claire McCaskill has said worse things,” etc etc.

Stay strong, Todd Akin. They’re out to getchee.

[AP/HuffPo]

 

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{ 157 comments }

PeaceWithHonor August 21, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Oh Todd, I could just rape you right now.

An_Outhouse August 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Anal rape is the only guaranteed legitimate kind.

UW8316154 August 21, 2012 at 3:08 pm

ONLY if you get pregnant from it, that is!

An_Outhouse August 21, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I'm getting confused. I thought it was legitimate if you don't get pregnant ( because of magic). I wish these insane people would be more clear.

UW8316154 August 21, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Oh jeez you're right!

No pregnancy = legitimate
Pregnancy = "she wanted it" + A little angel from the mullet-Jeebus.

PsycWench August 21, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Not with votes, please.

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Just go for the buttsecks, no worries that way.

WIDTAP August 21, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Now that's old school wonkette.

Callyson August 21, 2012 at 2:11 pm

No snark–I will limit my comment to the following:

https://secure.actblue.com/page/winwithmccaskill

PsycWench August 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

"Akin suggested that he’s received lots of “grassroots support,”
Which is appropriate for a hayseed.

Mojopo August 21, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Also a good way of saying, "People who want to exchange live chickens and/or leftover generic painkillers for support in DC."

Callyson August 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

If I lived in Missouri, I would have my dog piss on those grassroots.

luckismine August 21, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Silly Akin. Everyone knows that legitimate voters have a way of shutting you down.

MLHencken August 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

But would Todd allow himself to be raped to get back all the GOP moneeez he has now lost, for freedom?

RedneckMuslin August 21, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Depends. Legitimately or forced?

JustPixelz August 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

If he gets pregnant afterward, it was illegitimate.

JohnyEdge August 21, 2012 at 2:13 pm

It's a perfect test case. Can a complete misogynist nut job win the Senatorial race in a swing state?

If Akin wins we'll know we are truly and completely fucked beyond all redemption in this country.

WhatTheHolyHeck August 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I am moving to fucking Iceland.

proudgrampa August 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I'm moving back to the place of my birth, Tralfamador.

comrad_darkness August 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Sadly, my place of birth is the Dead Marshes. :(

PubOption August 21, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Not that awful place in southern England, Romney Marsh.

mull_man August 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

You are already there. You have always been there, and always will be there.

emmelemm August 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I'm on the plane next to you.

Mojopo August 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Not just a misogynistic nut job. A 65 year old lout with hair-dye and one of the least convincing comb-overs I've seen in a while. Seriously, he should put a potholder on his head. Same thing.

comrad_darkness August 21, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Generally I'm against ad hominem but in this case it's such a huge symbol for his denial of reality . . .

Mojopo August 21, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Bingo!

wolvenwood13 August 21, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Also, too, at least then we could use him for setting hot pans on; otherwise he's completely useless.

CthuNHu August 21, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Maybe a pancake…

hagajim August 21, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I'm just achin to know what a total douche Akin really is. I assume some proper vetting will discover he is a child rapist – or something.

Misty Malarky August 21, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Please don't compare Representative Akin to a douche.

Douches serve a very useful purpose.

Then again, it looks as if Akin may serve a very useful purpose.

Never mind.

UW8316154 August 21, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Hey, those children aren't getting pregnant, so why are you bringing rape into their love action?

littlebigdaddy August 21, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I see Vag-tember has come early. Yay!

anniegetyerfun August 21, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Was there ever a face better suited to be played by Jack Nicholson? I mean, you know, if he had ever done anything interesting and movie-worthy.

Lot_49 August 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

You gotta think that among Todd's other revolting qualities, dullness must be pre-eminent.

PsycWench August 21, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Dammit, if George Allen could be edged out for calling someone "Macaca", it would seem that Akin should fall like a lead balloon.

mavenmaven August 21, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Those were kinder gentler days.

Terry August 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

George Allen was running in Virginia, which has a lot of fairly sensible voters in Northern Virginia who occasionally balance out the rest of the State.

RadioBowels August 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Heeezzz back!

peaceocrap August 21, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Macaca was a man. Akins only insulted women, so no big deal.

Negropolis August 22, 2012 at 2:15 am

Give it time. He will.

eggsacklywright August 21, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Missouri Republican official: ‘God chose to bless’ women with pregnancies from rape

Jesus forking cripes these people are insane.

viennawoods13 August 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

AND it's a woman. Dear Goddess in heaven.

Lascauxcaveman August 21, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Hey, I saw the movie The Handmaid's Tale, but I didn't realize it was a a documentary about Missouri.

MaxNeanderthal August 21, 2012 at 3:54 pm

The Bible belt went full Gilead, long, long, ago. Their card carrying fellow travellers can be found in Iran, Israel, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, and most any Youtube comments section….

wolvenwood13 August 21, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Apparently some in govt also think it's an instruction manual.

comrad_darkness August 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Yeah, because in modern society it's really difficult to seduce men to fork over their half of the genetic puzzle, all neat and voluntary and everything. Nope, blessings come only with violence with these whack jobs.

pdiddycornchips August 21, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Hey, quick theological question, if a child born from rape is a blessing, what does that make the rapist?

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Santa.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Hmmmm, fat old man comes down a dark pipe, leaves presents under a bush….my god, he's right!

chicken_thief August 21, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Ready for a smoke?

PsycWench August 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

What do you expect from people who claim when a person almost but doesn't die, it's because God found them special, whereas when a person dies, it's because God found them special.

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I reserve the right to be confused.

Tequila Mockingbird August 21, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Right now, Rudy Guiliani is all, "Step off, bitch, 9/11 is my comedy bit."

ChillBill August 21, 2012 at 2:17 pm

You know who else was "In It To Win Win It"?

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Anyone who played the NY Lottery?

Fox E. Puppet August 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Mike Dukakis?

Mojopo August 21, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Sheldon Adelson?

Weenus299 August 21, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Adolf Hitler?

Nostrildamus August 21, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Back to internetz skool for you!

pdiddycornchips August 21, 2012 at 2:53 pm

All the welfare moms playing PowerBall?

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

That woman that everyone at the cocktail parties and United Clubs says must replace Idiot Joe Biden?

ChillBill August 21, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Yes, her.

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

These kids don't know nothin' about 2008.

chicken_thief August 21, 2012 at 3:17 pm

That witch with the really hairy snatch?

kittensdontlie August 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

"The Magical Vagina Mystery Tour is going to take you away… is dying to take you away…take you today…

operationpurple August 21, 2012 at 2:41 pm

aww man.

Now this is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot.

Hifimikey August 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

When will the GOP learn how a woman's reproductive system works? They seem to be unaware that a woman is not fertile everyday of the month….Heavy Sigh

Rosie_Scenario August 21, 2012 at 2:25 pm

"Girls are icky!!!111!!!"

luckismine August 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

If a woman isn't fertile everyday of the month, then why does she have to take the pill everyday? Oh, right. Because she's having so much sex.

Antispandex August 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

There is no reason for him to quit. A party that cheers on Ann "the man" Coulter, is not going to be put off by a little crazy talk! Geeze, are they trying to censor the guy? PLEASE, let him keep talking.

Lot_49 August 21, 2012 at 2:22 pm

The way Steve King makes you think democracy might not be as good you'd hoped, Akin is a strong argument against free speech.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 2:19 pm

So, Senator McCaskill, how does it feel to be re-elected?

comrad_darkness August 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Don't underestimate the power of the stupid.

Lascauxcaveman August 21, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Polls are still absurdly close.

"What's Wrong With Missouri?"

UW8316154 August 21, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Checking the headlines in the St Louis news sites, an assault at the Red Lobster has bigger font and better placing than anything about Akins.

An_Outhouse August 21, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Red Lobster? That's understandable.

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 4:09 pm

No, not the Red Lobster!!!!

Negropolis August 22, 2012 at 2:18 am

Akins was down nine or ten points in one day. Jeeze, you guys. Give it a week or two.

SayItWithWookies August 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Stay in there Todd, and fight for your principles — your vile, despicable, misogynistic, acephalic, retrograde, faith-and-ignorance-based, unconstitutional, rapey principles. And may the outcome be the one you deserve.

viennawoods13 August 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

At least it's an ethos.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

My concern with this fooferall is something kinda odious: how many idiots on the right will now think it's OK to rape a woman because, you know, no pregnancy.

RedneckMuslin August 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

All of them, Katie.

mavenmaven August 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Anyone who think that kind of horrendous violence is OK isn't likely to be concerned with the outcome.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 2:40 pm

My guess is there's a small but significant population that this will give some comfort to, particularly those who believe a pregnant woman must be married before the baby is born.

fartknocker August 21, 2012 at 2:47 pm

In Missouri, it's actually part of the culture. The executive summary of the report states that about 1 in 7 women (290,000) in Missouri will experience rape in their life time.
http://academicdepartments.musc.edu/ncvc/grants/5

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I don't think it's likely that would-be rapists are waiting for the pronouncements of Senate candidates.

UnholyMoses August 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

What he should have done is reference 1290.

Why?

Well, that's the year in which the "rape can't cause pregnancy" theory began.

comrad_darkness August 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Awesome, The Republican Party, all the Science of twelve hundreds. And none of that bothersome multiculturalism (well except in Muslim Spain, but we'll put a stop to that, won't we?)

SayItWithWookies August 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

In certain right-wing circles, that makes him prescient.

Blunderthing August 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Todd Akins looked up from sucking a dick to state that he had totally mis-dicked and then went back to sucking a dick. The End.

OzoneTom August 21, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Has he come up with the idea that if some slut's magic sperm deflector shield is effective, she should be forced to give the legitimate rapist a second shot on goal?

HempDogbane August 21, 2012 at 2:22 pm

The vagina unit will be covered on the tests and quizzes this semester.

UnholyMoses August 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Sadly, all this will do is cause the right to rally around him. After all, if "the left" (now defined as "anyone not into rape") is attacking him, he's gotta be good!!

That's the mindset of the Midwestern Conservative, and the Politics of Spite is their stock and trade.

Mojopo August 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Good, stay put you insufferable colostomy bag! I want this guy stapled to every Republican conservative we can get our hands on. I want them to have responsibility for creating a climate where an idiot such as this can thrive.

Mumbletypeg August 21, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Amen to that.
Hard to know who gets my goat more — the bullshit artist or the enablers.

Fox E. Puppet August 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

"Akin suggested that he’s received lots of <grassroots support>"…

But nematodes, chinch bugs & Japanese beetles can't vote can they?

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Hey, that's the Teabagger base!

MOG2410 August 21, 2012 at 4:11 pm

As long as they have valid ID.

MozakiBlocks August 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Just when I think the GOP has reached rock bottom, this asshole brings out a backhoe.

gogogodzilla August 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Don't retreat, Todd, reload. Stay strong!

MacRaith August 21, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Anyone who says "He was taken out of context" should be required to demonstrate a context in which Akin's statement would not be completely reprehensible. Because, for the life of me, I can't think of one.

wolvenwood13 August 21, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Well, someone pointed out to me on another forum that maybe Akin was thinking of statutory rape when he made his claim about "legitimate" rape. Yeah, right. As if idiots like Akin actually think.

DaSandman August 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

The newly crowned "retroactive abortion on demand" poster assclown.

BornInATrailer August 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/govt-and-polit

Claire's looking like a genius.

mavenmaven August 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

He will get every dime collected by the "he-man woman haters club" . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBIC8JTQMMQ

comrad_darkness August 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Hey, he really is an idiot!

Lot_49 August 21, 2012 at 2:30 pm

"The Onion" is having a good time with Rep Akin:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-misspokewhat-i

pinkocommi August 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

New campaign slogan – Akin is the champion of illegitimate rape pregnancies.

Fox E. Puppet August 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Here's a useful word I learned today (thanks, John Banville!):

nescience (ˈnɛsɪəns) — n
a formal or literary word for ignorance

[C17: from Late Latin nescientia, from Latin nescīre to be ignorant of, from ne not + scīre to know; compare science ]

'nescient — adj

fuflans August 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

hi MO:

perhaps you've showed us a little too much. maybe slow down a smidge b/t now and november?

thx.

fuflans

UnholyMoses August 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Keep fucking raping that chicken, Todd …

Generation[redacted] August 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Legitimately.

DerrickWildcat August 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I blame the liberal media.

Generation[redacted] August 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

"I blame the media blamers." –Dale Gribble

Come here a minute August 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Clare McCaskill probably believes some magical goo shoots out of rapists causing women to get pregnant. Get real!

An_Outhouse August 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Todd, learn from your colleague Steve King, never apologize, double down, and blame the libtards and/or the victims. According to Rep King all raping of children is legitimate. Your base will now love you even more.

sudsmckenzie August 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Great News!, … now excuse me I'm off to the number six dance.

fuflans August 21, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Rape-remark US candidate digs in

bbc should stop running headlines like that.

bumfug August 21, 2012 at 2:38 pm

How did I know that if I checked Todd Akin's vote on the First Responders Bill I'd find that he voted against it? Because duh. http://forwardstl-net.nicholsonsean.net/post/todd

comrad_darkness August 21, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Because, 9/11! That's why! Own it, but don't bother owning up.

Mumbletypeg August 21, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Vaginal magic expert Rep. Todd Akin

I'm just laughing at your alliteration there, Newell. "Vadge-madj"~

What. Maybe I needed to laugh today.

proudgrampa August 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Newell is too talented to write anything "inadvertently."

"Vaginal-magical" would have been a tad more poetic, though.

Mumbletypeg August 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Agreed. FWIW, anyone reading: I went and edited out "inadvertently" because, What Proudgramp Said.

That's my final answer! (until I think of something else to edit in it)

ElPinche August 21, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Romney: "Honey, do these cuff links go with this Todd Akin albatross neck tie? "

pdiddycornchips August 21, 2012 at 2:41 pm

He's working on his own personal exit strategy. He figures (correctly) the GOP will pay dearly to have him go away. The only question is, what's it going to take? A weekend at Teddy the draft dodging nancy boy's Costa Rican man/boy love shack? A Sarah Palin handy?

chicken_thief August 21, 2012 at 3:28 pm

A Lou Sarah handy? Wouldn't she get ink all over his cock?

ingloriousbytch August 21, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Merry Christmas Claire McCaskil!!

ElPinche August 21, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I dunno..it is Missouri. They make statues of misogynist assholes there.

Generation[redacted] August 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

He's back in, Republicans will fall in line to support him, and the reliably red state will eat up Crossroads GPS commercials like candy and vote to give Republicans control of the Senate so they can pass every right-to-lifer's legislative wish list.

NOW can you stop with this "war on women?"

Incitefully_Joe August 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Apparently today (or yesterday?), he has also "clarified" his statements on pregnancy further, saying that by "legitimate rapes", he didn't really mean that certain rapes weren't rapey enough for his liking (even though this is actually the Repugnican Party platform as we speak), all he meant was that some women are lying sluts who lie about being raped.

All better now, right?

chicken_thief August 21, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Well, that settles it then.

finallyhappy August 21, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Roe V Wade, 9/11, 40 acres and a mule(oh, maybe he didn't use that one yet)

operationpurple August 21, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I see the thought process now.

Certain men have sex organs that tend to do the thinking for them. This leaves them to assume women have Smart Vaginas that are preprogrammed to automatically reject unwanted sperm.

If only I could have gotten one of those smart vaginas

Weenus299 August 21, 2012 at 2:50 pm

He should just keep calm about the GOP's heads exploding. He should just relax and enjoy it.

no_gravity August 21, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Is this why they call August the silly season in journalism?

ChrisM2011 August 21, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I think he means "raperoots" support.

DocChaos August 21, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Lets hope for more Akin Bits before November, as all this dust-up has done is increase McCaskill's chances of retaining her seat to about even. Unless he continues to make a fool of himself, this may be largely forgotten by November, and the guy could end up winning handily.

Too much of MO is in the Appalachia/Ozark belt, where former Democrats have not forgiven the party for nominating a black muslim as President. In WV, even an Obama-hating yellow dog like Joe Manchin has to work hard to make them forget he's a Dem.

shiningmathpath August 21, 2012 at 2:52 pm

His excuse is that he mis-poked

(#3 in his taxonomy of illegitimate rape)

RadioBowels August 21, 2012 at 2:54 pm

YYEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!1!!

ifthethunderdontgetya August 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Don't pull out early, Todd!

* yes, your dad should have.
~

proudgrampa August 21, 2012 at 3:03 pm

"How much longer is this news cycle gonna go???"

*facial expression twists with horror*

"November???"

AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!

OneYieldRegular August 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

He does know that he's running for office in Missouri, and not Saudi Arabia, right?

PubOption August 21, 2012 at 3:18 pm

He is running in Missou-rah. There is different kind of fundamentalist living there, they drink alcohol.

Beowoof August 21, 2012 at 3:10 pm

You know I was thinking Clair McCaskill was lucky, but then when you consider it's Missouri, the home of Rush Limptard, I am afraid there are way too many people who agree with Mr. Akin.

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Todd Akin (Rape-Missouri)

Negropolis August 22, 2012 at 2:23 am

So that's what the R stands for!

johnnyzhivago August 21, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Good for him, I hope he stays in and drags the GOP completely into the Louisana Sinkhole…

Seriously, go to his website and send him an email and tell him to stay in there and fight, like Ronald Reagan would!!!!

chicken_thief August 21, 2012 at 3:30 pm

For the Gimp(er)!!!

Toomush_Infer August 21, 2012 at 3:14 pm

All I can see is: he deserves to be legitimately raped….

johnnyzhivago August 21, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Go here right now and tell this wonderful man to stay in it and WIN, WIN WIN!!!!!!!

https://www.akin.org/contact

Chet Kincaid_ August 21, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Todd Akin has challenged Claire McCaskill to 3 moderated, legitimate rapes between now and election day.

DahBoner August 21, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I know a women in Chicago who is in MENSA, who once told me she nowvotes for Republicans, because one of her family members got raped, and Republicans are "law and order".

Betcha her head is exploding right now (and yes, it made me NOT want to bother joining MENSA)…

BarackMyWorld August 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

If that's 5pm local time, asshole still has over 2 hours to deny me the joy of voting against him.

OurDailyBread August 21, 2012 at 4:09 pm

You know, if some GOP House candidate came out in favour of a father's right to impregnate his own daughters, I would raise an eyebrow, but I would not be shocked.

Republicans are now unpoeable.

BZ1 August 21, 2012 at 5:43 pm

and who was Todd palling around with in the Congress? Hint: initials: P.R.

Not_Mother August 21, 2012 at 6:11 pm

It would be funny if Akin told Romney, "I'll drop out if you release your tax returns".

Negropolis August 22, 2012 at 2:24 am

I can think of few better arguments for the legality of medical abortions than Todd Akins.

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