endless derp

Todd Akin’s Final Answer: He’s In It To Win It! (Also Too, 9/11)

Jesus turns a poopy into a babyVaginal magic expert Rep. Todd Akin has just gone on the Mike Huckabee radio show to announce his final decision before today’s 5:00 drop-out deadline and LOL, he’s staying in. The reason is the same as yesterday: 9/11, and how the first responders wouldn’t want him to quit!…?? Hoo boy. We could see this coming, his defiant non-quitting of the Missouri Senate race, as soon as the National Review posted an editorial calling on him to drop out yesterday. When does that ever work?

Akin suggested that he’s received lots of “grassroots support,” presumably meaning small donors who appreciate him sticking up to the slickster suits in Washington. We’re anxious to see the “haul.” And Akin will need all of that now that the NRSC, Crossroads, and all the other great big GOP money planets have told him they’ll offer him no more cash. Ha! Just kidding, these groups will have to go back to supporting him now! They need that seat to win the Senate, the goddamn Senate man.

Also expect to see all of the conservative pundits who were denouncing his disgusting comments (solely because they wanted him to drop out and allow them to put a better candidate in there) revert to “he was taken out of context,” “Claire McCaskill has said worse things,” etc etc.

Stay strong, Todd Akin. They’re out to getchee.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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        1. An_Outhouse

          I'm getting confused. I thought it was legitimate if you don't get pregnant ( because of magic). I wish these insane people would be more clear.

          1. UW8316154

            Oh jeez you're right!

            No pregnancy = legitimate
            Pregnancy = "she wanted it" + A little angel from the mullet-Jeebus.

  1. PsycWench

    "Akin suggested that he’s received lots of “grassroots support,”
    Which is appropriate for a hayseed.

    1. Mojopo

      Also a good way of saying, "People who want to exchange live chickens and/or leftover generic painkillers for support in DC."

  2. JohnyEdge

    It's a perfect test case. Can a complete misogynist nut job win the Senatorial race in a swing state?

    If Akin wins we'll know we are truly and completely fucked beyond all redemption in this country.

    1. Mojopo

      Not just a misogynistic nut job. A 65 year old lout with hair-dye and one of the least convincing comb-overs I've seen in a while. Seriously, he should put a potholder on his head. Same thing.

      1. comrad_darkness

        Generally I'm against ad hominem but in this case it's such a huge symbol for his denial of reality . . .

      2. wolvenwood13

        Also, too, at least then we could use him for setting hot pans on; otherwise he's completely useless.

  3. hagajim

    I'm just achin to know what a total douche Akin really is. I assume some proper vetting will discover he is a child rapist – or something.

    1. Misty Malarky

      Please don't compare Representative Akin to a douche.

      Douches serve a very useful purpose.

      Then again, it looks as if Akin may serve a very useful purpose.

      Never mind.

    2. UW8316154

      Hey, those children aren't getting pregnant, so why are you bringing rape into their love action?

  4. anniegetyerfun

    Was there ever a face better suited to be played by Jack Nicholson? I mean, you know, if he had ever done anything interesting and movie-worthy.

  5. PsycWench

    Dammit, if George Allen could be edged out for calling someone "Macaca", it would seem that Akin should fall like a lead balloon.

      1. Terry

        George Allen was running in Virginia, which has a lot of fairly sensible voters in Northern Virginia who occasionally balance out the rest of the State.

  6. eggsacklywright

    Missouri Republican official: ‘God chose to bless’ women with pregnancies from rape

    Jesus forking cripes these people are insane.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Hey, I saw the movie The Handmaid's Tale, but I didn't realize it was a a documentary about Missouri.

      1. MaxNeanderthal

        The Bible belt went full Gilead, long, long, ago. Their card carrying fellow travellers can be found in Iran, Israel, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, and most any Youtube comments section….

    2. comrad_darkness

      Yeah, because in modern society it's really difficult to seduce men to fork over their half of the genetic puzzle, all neat and voluntary and everything. Nope, blessings come only with violence with these whack jobs.

    3. pdiddycornchips

      Hey, quick theological question, if a child born from rape is a blessing, what does that make the rapist?

    4. PsycWench

      What do you expect from people who claim when a person almost but doesn't die, it's because God found them special, whereas when a person dies, it's because God found them special.

  7. kittensdontlie

    "The Magical Vagina Mystery Tour is going to take you away… is dying to take you away…take you today…

  8. Hifimikey

    When will the GOP learn how a woman's reproductive system works? They seem to be unaware that a woman is not fertile everyday of the month….Heavy Sigh

    1. luckismine

      If a woman isn't fertile everyday of the month, then why does she have to take the pill everyday? Oh, right. Because she's having so much sex.

  9. Antispandex

    There is no reason for him to quit. A party that cheers on Ann "the man" Coulter, is not going to be put off by a little crazy talk! Geeze, are they trying to censor the guy? PLEASE, let him keep talking.

    1. Lot_49

      The way Steve King makes you think democracy might not be as good you'd hoped, Akin is a strong argument against free speech.

      1. UW8316154

        Checking the headlines in the St Louis news sites, an assault at the Red Lobster has bigger font and better placing than anything about Akins.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Stay in there Todd, and fight for your principles — your vile, despicable, misogynistic, acephalic, retrograde, faith-and-ignorance-based, unconstitutional, rapey principles. And may the outcome be the one you deserve.

  11. actor212

    My concern with this fooferall is something kinda odious: how many idiots on the right will now think it's OK to rape a woman because, you know, no pregnancy.

    1. mavenmaven

      Anyone who think that kind of horrendous violence is OK isn't likely to be concerned with the outcome.

      1. actor212

        My guess is there's a small but significant population that this will give some comfort to, particularly those who believe a pregnant woman must be married before the baby is born.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Awesome, The Republican Party, all the Science of twelve hundreds. And none of that bothersome multiculturalism (well except in Muslim Spain, but we'll put a stop to that, won't we?)

  12. Blunderthing

    Todd Akins looked up from sucking a dick to state that he had totally mis-dicked and then went back to sucking a dick. The End.

  13. OzoneTom

    Has he come up with the idea that if some slut's magic sperm deflector shield is effective, she should be forced to give the legitimate rapist a second shot on goal?

  14. UnholyMoses

    Sadly, all this will do is cause the right to rally around him. After all, if "the left" (now defined as "anyone not into rape") is attacking him, he's gotta be good!!

    That's the mindset of the Midwestern Conservative, and the Politics of Spite is their stock and trade.

  15. Mojopo

    Good, stay put you insufferable colostomy bag! I want this guy stapled to every Republican conservative we can get our hands on. I want them to have responsibility for creating a climate where an idiot such as this can thrive.

  16. Fox E. Puppet

    "Akin suggested that he’s received lots of <grassroots support>"…

    But nematodes, chinch bugs & Japanese beetles can't vote can they?

  17. MacRaith

    Anyone who says "He was taken out of context" should be required to demonstrate a context in which Akin's statement would not be completely reprehensible. Because, for the life of me, I can't think of one.

    1. wolvenwood13

      Well, someone pointed out to me on another forum that maybe Akin was thinking of statutory rape when he made his claim about "legitimate" rape. Yeah, right. As if idiots like Akin actually think.

  18. Fox E. Puppet

    Here's a useful word I learned today (thanks, John Banville!):

    nescience (ˈnɛsɪəns) — n
    a formal or literary word for ignorance

    [C17: from Late Latin nescientia, from Latin nescīre to be ignorant of, from ne not + scīre to know; compare science ]

    'nescient — adj

  19. Come here a minute

    Clare McCaskill probably believes some magical goo shoots out of rapists causing women to get pregnant. Get real!

  20. An_Outhouse

    Todd, learn from your colleague Steve King, never apologize, double down, and blame the libtards and/or the victims. According to Rep King all raping of children is legitimate. Your base will now love you even more.

    1. proudgrampa

      Newell is too talented to write anything "inadvertently."

      "Vaginal-magical" would have been a tad more poetic, though.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        Agreed. FWIW, anyone reading: I went and edited out "inadvertently" because, What Proudgramp Said.

        That's my final answer! (until I think of something else to edit in it)

  21. pdiddycornchips

    He's working on his own personal exit strategy. He figures (correctly) the GOP will pay dearly to have him go away. The only question is, what's it going to take? A weekend at Teddy the draft dodging nancy boy's Costa Rican man/boy love shack? A Sarah Palin handy?

  22. Generation[redacted]

    He's back in, Republicans will fall in line to support him, and the reliably red state will eat up Crossroads GPS commercials like candy and vote to give Republicans control of the Senate so they can pass every right-to-lifer's legislative wish list.

    NOW can you stop with this "war on women?"

  23. operationpurple

    I see the thought process now.

    Certain men have sex organs that tend to do the thinking for them. This leaves them to assume women have Smart Vaginas that are preprogrammed to automatically reject unwanted sperm.

    If only I could have gotten one of those smart vaginas

  24. Weenus299

    He should just keep calm about the GOP's heads exploding. He should just relax and enjoy it.

  25. DocChaos

    Lets hope for more Akin Bits before November, as all this dust-up has done is increase McCaskill's chances of retaining her seat to about even. Unless he continues to make a fool of himself, this may be largely forgotten by November, and the guy could end up winning handily.

    Too much of MO is in the Appalachia/Ozark belt, where former Democrats have not forgiven the party for nominating a black muslim as President. In WV, even an Obama-hating yellow dog like Joe Manchin has to work hard to make them forget he's a Dem.

  26. proudgrampa

    "How much longer is this news cycle gonna go???"

    *facial expression twists with horror*



    1. PubOption

      He is running in Missou-rah. There is different kind of fundamentalist living there, they drink alcohol.

  27. Beowoof

    You know I was thinking Clair McCaskill was lucky, but then when you consider it's Missouri, the home of Rush Limptard, I am afraid there are way too many people who agree with Mr. Akin.

  28. johnnyzhivago

    Good for him, I hope he stays in and drags the GOP completely into the Louisana Sinkhole…

    Seriously, go to his website and send him an email and tell him to stay in there and fight, like Ronald Reagan would!!!!

  29. DahBoner

    I know a women in Chicago who is in MENSA, who once told me she nowvotes for Republicans, because one of her family members got raped, and Republicans are "law and order".

    Betcha her head is exploding right now (and yes, it made me NOT want to bother joining MENSA)…

  30. BarackMyWorld

    If that's 5pm local time, asshole still has over 2 hours to deny me the joy of voting against him.

  31. OurDailyBread

    You know, if some GOP House candidate came out in favour of a father's right to impregnate his own daughters, I would raise an eyebrow, but I would not be shocked.

    Republicans are now unpoeable.

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