Romney to Student: He Will Give Her All The Jobs She Could Want

About a month ago, we informed you that someone had decided to do something about the one trillion dollar loan bubble (student, not mortgage), and by “do something” we meant “commission a report” with all kinds of recommendations that no one (except for maybe a couple bleeding heart liberals) did anything about. So here we are, still chugging along with a trillion dollars in student loan debt, hoping someone somewhere will eventually conclude that maybe this is a problem that should be addressed, and give us a hand by way of, say, revising existing bankruptcy law, or cracking down on predatory lending practices, or addressing the ever-rising costs of college education. Do we hope that this helpful person is Mitt Romney? No, we do not, because he has already essentially advised us that we could have avoided student loans if we had not gone out and gotten more education than we could afford. Even so, a junior at St. Anselm College in Manchester, New Hampshire — at least as of yesterday morning — was still laboring under the impression that Mitt Romney might want to do something about this huge enormous student loan bubble problem that may or may not crash the economy someday soon and asked Romney what he would do to help her, given that she had just taken out student loans of her own. The answer, of course, was: he is going to give her a great job! No really, he said that! Hooray?

The first thing I will do is to make sure we do not keep adding more and more debt you do not even know about. That’s number one. Number two, the next thing I will do for you is to make sure when you graduate, you can get a job. Half of the kids coming out of college this year, half can’t find a job or a job that is consistent with a college degree. It’s unacceptable. We have to make sure young people coming into the work force can get a job.…Now I know it is very tempting as a politician to go out and say, you know what, I’ll just give you some money. The government’s just going to give you some money and pay back your loans for you. I’m not going to tell you something that’s not the truth. Because that is just taking money from your other pocket and giving it to the other pocket. I’m not going to go out and promise all sorts of free stuff that I know you’re going to end up paying for. What I want to do is give you a great job so you will be able to pay back yourself. And I want to get the government off your back so you can keep more of what you earned.

There you have it, students! Don’t worry about the ever-climbing cost of college education because Mitt Romney is going to give you all jobs that pay well and allow you to keep up with all of your normal expenses while simultaneously making payments on, oh $21,000$120,000 in student loans.


About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

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  1. Barb_

    Make sure you have your passport updated if you think Mitt Romney is going to give you a job. The commute to Dongguan, China is hell from Manchester, New Hampshire.

    1. ahnc

      Mitt cashed in his beloved stock to pay for his college and all students should do the same.
      Student loan debt problem solved.

      1. MoeDeLawn

        "Mitt cashed in his beloved stock to pay for his college "

        I hate to bother you with this, but buying the college isn't the same as paying tuition to attend a college.

    2. SorosBot

      Don't worry, soon the jobs will come back to the US; once the minimum wage is "reformed" to $0 and employers no longer have to provide benefits or maintain decent working standards. Then we can all experience the joy of sewing shirts for 10¢ an hour, 14 hours a day, right here in America!

    1. elviouslyqueer

      DO NOT WANT.

      I would not, however, turn down a handjob from Paul Ryan. Only I'd have to swat Reince Priebus out of the way first.

      1. Ruhe

        I'm no psychiatrist but I believe the condition of believing that someone else is constantly interfering with your sex life is called dementia priebus.

  2. Nibbler of Niblonia

    entry level jobs "consistent with a college degree" aren't consistent with an average cost of living in a lot of areas. how about incentives for employers to start hiring college graduates at a decent salary? tax breaks for small business for every % over the average cost of living in their region?

    more and more college students in this generation are going to have their lifetime earnings stunted by taking low-paying entry level positions during this bad economy. because what you make in your first job correlates to what you make throughout your entire career.

    and what about regulating the interest banks can charge on student loans? that wouldn't be "giving you money from the government."

    1. Katydid

      Giving Mittens a tax break so he pays no taxes will create jerbs. Somehow, some way, don't ask them how, they don't wanna say.

  3. ttommyunger

    "The Country still needs ditch-diggers and burger flippers, my child; and if things get really bad, just sell some stock, like Ann and I had to do once in college to get by, or better yet, have your parents loan you $20K and start your own business." – Mitt "I feel your pain" R'Money.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I'm sure Ann can find some room in the stable for this chick to be Rafalca's Executive Custodian of Equestrian Defecation.

      1. Preferred Customer

        Executive? Come on, man. You don't start at the top. You start at the bottom. She might be able to get an internship on the defecation team, but it would almost certainly be unpaid. Dealing with that much horseshit, though…that experience is priceless, in that it has no worth.

        1. Veritas78

          "I'm running for office for Pete's sake, we can't have illegals"—actual quote by guess who.

          1. Pat_Pending

            Trust me, there are messicans. RAFLAC lives in Moorpark, CA. Messicans are the glue that holds the equestrian community together. Mittens can just pretend he had no idea, and besides, this is Anne's thing, he has no CLUE about dressage or 7-11 or… whatever.

    2. BoatOfVelociraptors

      He even outsourced the horse.

      Rafalca is 15-year old mare with "a milk chocolate coat, raven tail and white socks above three of her hooves." She is an Oldenburg horse, a warmblood horse breed from the north-western corner of Lower Saxony. She was born in Menslage in Germany in 1997, and bred by Erwin Risch.[4][5]
      Rafalca's sire was Argentinus, a Hanoverian jumping stallion, and mother, Ratine (an Oldenburg).[6] Her damsire was Rubinstein, also a dressage horse.[4][7]

    1. FraAnima

      And failing that, she could sell flowers from a cart outside the country club gate.

      Just you wait, Willard Romney, just you wait.

  4. PsycWench

    and then Romney revealed his plan to make military service mandatory for every new college graduate.

  5. Beowoof

    The job for you missy is scrubbing toilets for rich guys like me. Now there is the brush and the lysol, hop to it honey or Conseula will be invited back from Mexico.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Displacing mexicans and Newt's school children of another color from the Chinese-made toilets of America, is not a workable solution.

  6. FlyOverGirl

    I bet it's at Mitten's next Bain Capital, then…blammo!

    of course, Mitten will always need a car elevator operator.

  7. mavenmaven

    college graduates are "kids"?
    And he will "keep government off your back" by letting the loan companies f@#$ you up the @$$.

    1. SorosBot

      These old bastards probably consider anyone under 40 to be a "kid".

      Remember, these are Baby Booms – "60 is the new 30!" and such bullshit.

  8. ChernobylSoup

    A nifty estate tax, with the revenue used to lower the cost of higher education, would be absolutely absurd, wouldn't it?

    1. Ruhe

      Absolutely absurd. As is the heretical notion that maybe the "job creators" aren't necessarily waiting for some new lower tax rate before they go out and create those jobs. Maybe they're not waiting at all. Maybe they like it fine just the way it is. The economy, that is. Despite the employment numbers it's undeniable that the people who make real money are making a lot of it so they might welcome some new tax breaks but they may not be interested in rushing out and expanding their businesses just yet.

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If the GOP had their way we would all have so many "jobs" that we would be laboring 20 hours a day, seven days a week until we die from exhaustion. That would keep us from causing so much trouble and getting all uppity and demanding abortions and clean water and stuff. Plus no more medicare or social security problems as we would all be dead from our numerous, backbreaking jobs by the age of 35.

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    In elementary school, Romney was called Richard Hertz by his friends. They would laugh when the sub would say "who's Dick Hertz," and Mitt would always raise his hand.

  11. SoBeach

    I’m not going to go out and promise all sorts of free stuff…

    …I'm just going to promise you miracle jobs that the job creators will start handing out the day I take office.

  12. actor212

    Number two, the next thing I will do for you is to make sure when you graduate, you can get a job.

    Just remember, folks! You heard it from Romney himself. Jobs are number two.

    Maybe that's why he keeps flushing them to other countries?

    1. James Michael Curley

      I think you are wrong on that assumption. The problem with auto fellatio, for most people, is they have a spine; a problem Mitt does not share.

  13. SorosBot

    And Mitt, how are you supposed to create jobs without spending government money, and with lower taxes and thus less revenue? spending money is how the government fucking creates job, you moron.

    He doesn't know anything about the economy or how money works, does he?

    1. ChernobylSoup

      You have to reckon his admin will need an army of lawyers and linguists, what with all the new definitions of rape. That's a start.

    2. An_Outhouse

      He knows how money works. You're born with it, you dummy. Then you make friends with foreign oligarchs, out source some jobs, send the money to the Caymans. That's how money works.

      1. SorosBot

        And being born with the money makes you a better, more worthy person than all those peons without it, somehow.

      2. BoatOfVelociraptors

        He knows exactly how it works. By increasing the perks of wealth and creating a larger gap between the owners and the striving people, you get more labor out of your workers, which you cash in on, and become more wealthy. In other words, income gaps equal free money for owners, who buy politicians to make more perks.

        Neo Feudalism.

  14. FraAnima

    So, Willard, if I understand what you're saying, we should spend a bunch of money that we don't currently have with the understanding that it will better our financial situation in the long run. Sort of a stimulus spending plan? Or is the only stimulus you propose the one you get from your magic underpants?

  15. Ruhe

    Borrow now and earn more money later to cover the loan. How you gonna earn more…who knows!? But you will! Will the cost of education keep going up!? Who knows!? But that's not a problem because the jobs of the future will pay even more! We'll all pay no taxes…we'll all have great jobs…we'll all win!

    Mitt's plan is either an argument for hyper-inflation or its a thinly veiled ponzi scheme. Or maybe it's the sort of combination of both that a pretentious moron would come up with.

  16. Allmighty_Manos

    If Romney managed to get elected, he would be the first president to come to office without any grace period of public goodwill. His public ratings would hit the toilet by Feb 1.

  17. comrad_darkness

    Um, Mitt, dude, your buddies in industry are sitting on 6 trillion in cash because they love counting that filthy filthy money way more than they like hiring people.

  18. mbobier

    "Because that is just taking money from your other pocket and giving it to the other pocket." My pockets HATE it when that happens!

  19. Baconzgood

    Unrelated to this post.

    Sucks for Baconz today. He haz teh influenza and HAS to attend work because there are clients that are stupid and need their hand held to cross the street. It's going to be a tough day with the throw up and diarrhea and looking green with my fever of 102F. Baconz needs a shot of cognac, some chicken soup and 60ccs of morphine. But if I'm at work I'll snark on Wonkette. I'm a trooper.

    (this comment is 100% snark free)

      1. Baconzgood

        I sneezed in my hand then shook the hand of the Japanese man. He was pretty pissed the Japanese are really weird about cleanliness. I still have to go to the airport and pick up 2 more clients at 3. I think I'm gonna nap in my office for a bit.

        1. MoeDeLawn

          G H W Bush had a similar situation; I forget how that was resolved… but you might want to check it out.

    1. viennawoods13

      If it's throwing up and the other yucks it's not influenza; that's upper respiratory tract. You, sir, have a norovirus, probably. Which is horrible and I feel sorry for you, but on the other hand, when I have one of those I feel marvellously thin afterwards.

  20. UnholyMoses

    "All you need to do to get that job is be born to a rich daddy who gives you several millions bucks to start your own company. So if you have that, you'll be able to pay back those loans. If not, tough shit," Romney later said to his campaign aides, and they all laughed and laughed.

    More seriously: This guy is to empathy what Charles Manson is to … well, empathy.

  21. Chichikovovich

    I'm glad Romney gave a speech at St. Anselm College, so we could find out what the fool sayeth in his heart.

  22. x111e7thst

    If she is cute she can work at a lesbian/bondage themed strip club. Young Republicans sometimes tip well.

  23. MacRaith

    Yes, we'll all have jobs on Lord Romney's estate, or on the estates of one of his fellow rich guys. That's the plan – reimplement feudalism. Because, you know, divine right and all that. Enjoy life as a serf, folks.

    1. Preferred Customer

      According to every episode of Downton Abbey I've ever seen, that looks like a pretty good gig. What are you complaining about?

  24. MonkeyMotion

    Or, maybe Mittens can have us attack Iran…yeah, that's the ticket! We'll need more troops, more guns, bombs, flags, missiles, tanks, lapel pins, POW camps, bumper stickers. Shit, there'll be great American jobs coming out this poor little girl's butt. (Freedom ain't free, right?)


    1. PubOption

      But these foreign excursions (sounds better than invasions) are not budgeted items, so they will be creating more debt we don't know about.

  25. Baconzgood

    I got my Masters. This doesn't effect me so why should I care. In fact, they want to give me another intern this year.

    1. actor212

      They feed me interns all the time. I keep telling them no, that I'm full, but they look so delicious.

      I'm worried they'll give me a dinner mint soon.

  26. jodyleek

    Mitt, you've been "unemployed" for years now, allegedly. And, now you are going to help people find jobs? That's rich!

  27. mrblifil

    Look at our MItt, he's all growed up! He isn't telling students to "sit IN" anymore. Instead he wants to give them great jobs. Like he does up and down the Utah highway rest stops when he goes to visit his "constituents" (pool boys).

  28. ph7

    Student's new t-shirt:

    "I Spent Four Years at St. Anselm College and All I Got Was a Lousy Job as Ann's Dressage Trainer"

    1. calliecallie

      Dressage trainer is the promotion she will get in 5-10 years. The entry level job is mucking out the stalls.

  29. AddHomonym

    Because that is just taking money from your other pocket and giving it to the other pocket.

    It took me years and years to pay back my student loans. Who knew the money was in my pocket the whole time? Who knew!

  30. BerkeleyBear

    Well, see, Mitt can't understand this person's situation. In his world, that debt to assets ratio would just allow the students to leverage themselves to take over the education and job of someone else, hollow out their remaining ambitions and dreams in the form of "fees" to pay off the initial debt, then make that person declare bankruptcy.

  31. Naked_Bunny

    Yeah, promising a great job is so much more realistic and honest than promising money, especially while you're planning to cut the economy off at the knees.

  32. calliecallie

    "Because that is just taking money from your other pocket and giving it to the other pocket. "

    Isn't that what Mitt used to do at Bain Capital? Tax free?

    1. wondering where i am

      No, you take money from the other pocket, use it to take out billions in loans with other people as guarantors, then put the billions in the other other pocket.

  33. Baba_NinjaCat12

    The $1 Trillion dollar student loan debt is like an asteroid, that caused the Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction event, rapidly approaching Earth. Will the politicians do something to prevent a national financial disaster of epic proportion? No! Politicians are just like dinosaurs, to slow and even fail to adapt to address a preventable disaster.

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