Wingnut Boycotters Take Credit For Starbucks’ Business Cycle, JC Penney’s Lousy Management

  New frontiers in cause and effect

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc A Loogie FallacyWhat if they held a boycott and nobody stayed home? Protectors of traditional missionary-position-only marriage between straight people have been trying, without much success, to make big corporations stop being so darn gay. By most measures, the “One Million Moms” boycott of JC Penney Co and the The National Organization For Marriage boycotts of Starbucks Coffee had no measurable effects on sales (we now pause 20 seconds to let you get “OMM, NOM NOM NOM” out of your system. It is a reflex, just go with it). But happily for the activist groups, we’re still in a sluggish economy where stock performance, corporate profits, and consumer choices can fluctuate for a variety of reasons, so any bad news for either company MUST mean that the boycott has been a thundering success, so YAY for Traditional Marriage! Looks like another flawless victory for the Forces of Good.

In a press release that will no doubt prove useful to English teachers preparing their next lesson on logical fallacies, NOM president Brian Brown took credit for a recent decline in Starbucks’ stock value:

“Starbucks supported same-sex marriage, saw their support from Republicans dwindle, missed sales projections, and watched the company lose $4.4 billion overnight and over $10 billion from their 2012 high.”

Oddly enough, stock analysts attributed the decline to the sluggish economy, which has also seen a sales slump for Chipotle Mexican Grill and McDonalds, but that could well be because stock analysts are hushing up the phenomenal success of the boycott. Are stock analysts GAY, maybe? Something about that word analyst looks suspicious to us, but we can’t put our finger on it (and if we do, we will wash it, you bet).

The American Family Association webpage is also proclaiming Huge Success in its boycott, in conjunction with OMM, of JC Penney, whose fortunes are indeed declining. Again, the real reason is not so much that the boycott is having an effect, but rather that JC Penney has, in what a Forbes columnist calls an “Epic Rebranding Fail,” eliminated sales and pomotions in favor of “everyday low prices,” which it turns out consumers don’t like as much as they like sales. But, yeah, it’s probably REALLY the gheys. Amusingly, not even the Million Moms (seven moms) are claiming credit for JCP’s lousy performance, possibly given their complete failure to fire just one lesbian lady.

 
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Neither company has altered its pro-gay policies.

Incidentally, we note that Best Buy, which two years ago was the target of a boycott by Teh Gheys after it contributed to a slimily anti-gay candidate, has had a really crappy year. VICTORY!!!!

[NOM / AFA]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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101 comments

    1. Beowoof

      And char is the right word. The coffee there reminds me of my ex mother-in-law, burnt and bitter.

    2. kittensdontlie

      Sure, go ahead and patronize your independent locally owned coffee houses, saving money and the environment, while enjoying great tasting uncharred coffees, and see where that gets you…

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Really, the problem is they sell coffee. Never did like that stuff.

          Give me a proper cuppa Earl Grey, or jade oolong.

          1. Billmatic

            I'm not bagging on coffee, I drink it and enjoy its flavor, but the beans are roasted (aka burnt) and it is bitter. I feel like people who complain about bitter coffee must like milder varieties.

            And the thing about Starbucks is that it brought artisan coffee to the masses, and these days that enthusiasm is spilling over (at least here in Austin) to a revival of independent coffee shops which I always prefer to chain anything. I mean bag on them all you want for being an aggressive expansionist juggernaut that homogenizes the country with stores on every corner but at least it's not Folgers, that shit sucks. I mean credit where credit is due, Starbucks awakened American tastebuds to coffee that didn't come from a can.

        2. Caelan Aegana

          I recently did a personal comparison of several coffee "establishments" in my area including indies. Maybe the sudden caffeine intake altered my senses, but of 6 SB ranked #2 for best tasting. These were all espressos, though, because I hate drip. Your mileage may vary.

    1. finallyhappy

      The actual Starbucks issue has to do with the economies in various European countries and the acquisition of another company but why bother with that.? Personally, I blame it on the reemergence of the dinosaurs(Nessie, looking at you!)

  1. actor212

    Starbucks doesn't make coffee, they make acid-based beverages that pass for coffee. Even teh gheys see that now. That's why their sales suck.

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        It comes in handy in public places. Like movie theaters, children's playgrounds, outside schools, at the circus … What?!

    1. finallyhappy

      Kefa! Zed's! but Chinatown Coffee is not worth it- I DON"T CARE what the DC crowd says. I walked 14 blocks to get a latte at Chinatown coffee- what a waste of time, money and my feet

    1. fartknocker

      Rick Perry had a Prayer-A-Paloser last summer and 1.3 million acres and 2,200 structures were destroyed.

    2. GeorgiaBurning

      So why the the San Francisco 49ers (read- gay, liberals) have a better record? Then again, with scab refs, God may be the only one who knows what penalty going to be called on a play.

  2. YouBetcha

    I'm going to have hot lesbian sex with a Starbucks Chai Latte later today, in tribute to Starbucks' complete and utter ruin at the hands of NOM.

  3. MinAgain

    Crap. Does this mean I have to start drinking more of that godawful coffee in order to counteract the boycott?

  4. weejee

    When NOM is properly pronounced, does the 'o' say it's name, kinda sounds like gnome? If so, that is Korean for bastard, just sayin'.

  5. Beowoof

    When ever I hear of Nom or FRC boycott, I make sure to go out of my way to patronize those merchants. I find that it means I am supporting a group of people I might actually want to have a beer with.

  6. Baconzgood

    My client sales have been down….is that because I make too many butt fucking (both male and female) jokes on Wonkette. Or is it because….wait for it…..

    I find this difficult to masterbate to….

  7. fartknocker

    Today I boycotted Chick-Filet for a tasty plate of migas at a hippy-owned Cafe in South Austin and was served by a gorgeous lesbian who could make any man or woman blush because of her wit and beauty. And the coffee didn't taste like 3% phosphoric acid.

      1. fartknocker

        Magnolia Cafe at 1600 S. Congress – open 24 hours. Try the Eggs Zapatino, it's spicy love.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      So, you're saying there's a chance?

      What's to say I talk Whoopi Goldberg/Drew Barrymore movies with her… Odds good?

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Fundies know that boycotts work the same as prayer — they're much more successful when the goal you're trying to attain is already in the process of happening. Next they're going to pray that this week's episode of Two and a Half Men is boorish and unfunny.

    1. PsycWench

      I'm sure someone has prayed that I return to a classroom next week and I won't be exactly ready.

  9. upthruster

    "Starbucks supported same-sex marriage, saw their support from Republicans dwindle,"

    Hey wait a minute! I thought only liberal elites drank lattes!

  10. Antispandex

    To me all this proves is that if you start two wars, then refuse to raise taxes to pay for them, then start demanding that the governemnt lay off a bunch of workers that help to fuel the economy, because, you know, we're broke, alot of people may soon lose the diposable income needed to pay five dollars for a cup of coffee…but I don't know much about money and stuff, so…

    1. Antispandex

      "And not a single MILF in the bunch."

      I guess I'm risking a reverse racism accusation if I quote Redd Foxx about those Million Moms (probably like 2,500 moms, but whatever). Aw, heck, I'm going to risk it. "There's nothing uglier than an old white woman". Now now, ladies, I was just quoting.

  11. SigDeFlyinMonky

    On the other hand, their boycott of rationalism and empiricism is showing excellent results.

  12. CrunchyKnee

    First I've heard of these boycotts. At the Bush Recession Camp down by the river where I live, JC Penney boxes are highly prized for living in, with their roominess and what have you.

  13. Tundra Grifter

    I think we should take a moment to remember the greatest boycott ever – well, at least since the millworkers in Manchester, England, went without work for years because they didn't want to weave slave-grown cotton from the Confederate States of America.

    I write, of course, about Bull O'Really's boycott of France! A whole fucking country! And we know it was a roaring success because he said it was, and any one doubting his obvious facts could read about it in the Paris Business Review.

  14. fartknocker

    I'm boycotting a certain VP candidate and her spawn child who has a tee-vee show and it's not working out very well.

  15. pdiddycornchips

    I knew something was going on, there was a million MILF's marching around the Hamptons this weekend.

  16. Toomush_Infer

    I'm boycotting those Million Moms….well, actually, I'm just avoiding them, cause….eeewwww….

  17. Tundra Grifter

    I'm not much of a Starbucks fan. When I occasionally go in there for a brownie they ask me if I'd like something to drink to go with it and I say "You guys serve coffee?"

    However – to the Starbucks busters here I would like to point out at least they provide employee health insurance. I know you'll probably answer that it's a crappy plan, etc. And I'm prepared to believe working there isn't as sweet as having a job at In 'n' Out.

    But any low-wage retail establishment that offers any benefits is taking a solid step in the right direction, and giving the lie to those other businesses that say it can't be done.

  18. operationpurple

    This reminds me of when I get pissed off at someone and sit and send them negative vibes. If I wait long enough, something always goes wrong for them. It works.

  19. Billmatic

    So let me get this straight

    Boycotting JC Penny and Starbucks = super and good for jesus
    boycott of chick-fil-a = evil and totally uncalled for, anti capitalist, anti american and just wrong all the way around.

  20. zippy_w_pinhead

    maybe Mike Huckabee can hold a Starbucks appreciation day because you know, boycotts are the evil spawn of Satan and whatnot and FREE SPEECH!!!!

    oh wait…

  21. Guppy

    As a tech nerd, walking into a Best Buy has left me feeling unclean even before Minnesota Forward, while I never felt hipster enough to be in a Target.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      You and me both. Truly we are horrible people for not paying gobs of money to drink swill water that rots our teeth and makes us chemically dependent on caffeine.

      Our punishment will be not dying of a heart attack at 50, and it will serve us right.

  22. glamourdammerung

    I thought boycotts were "just like the Nazis". After all, that is what all the mouthbreathers were screaming when some folks wanted to boycott a fast food chain recently.

  23. elviouslyqueer

    Dear So-Called "Christian" boycotters:

    Yep. Still doing it wrong. Now, kindly STFU and channel some of your rageaholic boycottism toward helping out teh poors, the downtrodden, the sick, and those in need of true Christian kindness, justice, and mercy. Y'know, like I taught you how to do in that book you insist on continually misreading.

    Love,

    Jesus

  24. zumpie

    1) Are they gonna go back to boycotting Disney World? Cause (and I realize I'm alone here) I really like their hotels and shorter lines in the parks would be quite teh awesome.

    2) Snark-free: JC Penney was hurting well before they embarked on the worst marketing strategy EVER, that simply nailed their coffin shut. Especially since they used to have great sales and clearance. Their other issue? Their stores are practically devoid of, um, stuff to buy these days. Which is probably because they can't afford to pay their vendors so they're been cut off by their suppliers, but still…

Comments are closed.