NEW FRONTIERS IN CAUSE AND EFFECT  1:40 pm August 21, 2012

Wingnut Boycotters Take Credit For Starbucks’ Business Cycle, JC Penney’s Lousy Management

by Doktor Zoom

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc A Loogie FallacyWhat if they held a boycott and nobody stayed home? Protectors of traditional missionary-position-only marriage between straight people have been trying, without much success, to make big corporations stop being so darn gay. By most measures, the “One Million Moms” boycott of JC Penney Co and the The National Organization For Marriage boycotts of Starbucks Coffee had no measurable effects on sales (we now pause 20 seconds to let you get “OMM, NOM NOM NOM” out of your system. It is a reflex, just go with it). But happily for the activist groups, we’re still in a sluggish economy where stock performance, corporate profits, and consumer choices can fluctuate for a variety of reasons, so any bad news for either company MUST mean that the boycott has been a thundering success, so YAY for Traditional Marriage! Looks like another flawless victory for the Forces of Good.

In a press release that will no doubt prove useful to English teachers preparing their next lesson on logical fallacies, NOM president Brian Brown took credit for a recent decline in Starbucks’ stock value:

“Starbucks supported same-sex marriage, saw their support from Republicans dwindle, missed sales projections, and watched the company lose $4.4 billion overnight and over $10 billion from their 2012 high.”

Oddly enough, stock analysts attributed the decline to the sluggish economy, which has also seen a sales slump for Chipotle Mexican Grill and McDonalds, but that could well be because stock analysts are hushing up the phenomenal success of the boycott. Are stock analysts GAY, maybe? Something about that word analyst looks suspicious to us, but we can’t put our finger on it (and if we do, we will wash it, you bet).

The American Family Association webpage is also proclaiming Huge Success in its boycott, in conjunction with OMM, of JC Penney, whose fortunes are indeed declining. Again, the real reason is not so much that the boycott is having an effect, but rather that JC Penney has, in what a Forbes columnist calls an “Epic Rebranding Fail,” eliminated sales and pomotions in favor of “everyday low prices,” which it turns out consumers don’t like as much as they like sales. But, yeah, it’s probably REALLY the gheys. Amusingly, not even the Million Moms (seven moms) are claiming credit for JCP’s lousy performance, possibly given their complete failure to fire just one lesbian lady.

Neither company has altered its pro-gay policies.

Incidentally, we note that Best Buy, which two years ago was the target of a boycott by Teh Gheys after it contributed to a slimily anti-gay candidate, has had a really crappy year. VICTORY!!!!

[NOM / AFA]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 101 comments }

nounverb911 August 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I boycott Charbucks because their coffee sucks.

johnnyzhivago August 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Thank you for saying that.

Geminisunmars August 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I boycott Sturbutts because I'd rather make a car payment.

Beowoof August 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

And char is the right word. The coffee there reminds me of my ex mother-in-law, burnt and bitter.

ElPinche August 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

"Char" is right. Is like drinking crushed charcoal in water.

pigdog2 August 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Tastes like Satan!

kittensdontlie August 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Oh Hell, that's what I was going to say.

JustPixelz August 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Wait. That's supposed to be coffee they're serving?!?

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 2:07 pm

No no! A coffee experience

RadioBowels August 21, 2012 at 2:11 pm

yeah, but their wi-fi is FREE.

kittensdontlie August 21, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Sure, go ahead and patronize your independent locally owned coffee houses, saving money and the environment, while enjoying great tasting uncharred coffees, and see where that gets you…

Billmatic August 21, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I dunno all of it tastes pretty "burnt" and bitter to me.

Kid_Charlemagne August 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Where will I go to get my daily interaction with a surly barista?

Lascauxcaveman August 21, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Really, the problem is they sell coffee. Never did like that stuff.

Give me a proper cuppa Earl Grey, or jade oolong.

Billmatic August 21, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I'm not bagging on coffee, I drink it and enjoy its flavor, but the beans are roasted (aka burnt) and it is bitter. I feel like people who complain about bitter coffee must like milder varieties.

And the thing about Starbucks is that it brought artisan coffee to the masses, and these days that enthusiasm is spilling over (at least here in Austin) to a revival of independent coffee shops which I always prefer to chain anything. I mean bag on them all you want for being an aggressive expansionist juggernaut that homogenizes the country with stores on every corner but at least it's not Folgers, that shit sucks. I mean credit where credit is due, Starbucks awakened American tastebuds to coffee that didn't come from a can.

Caelan Aegana August 21, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I recently did a personal comparison of several coffee "establishments" in my area including indies. Maybe the sudden caffeine intake altered my senses, but of 6 SB ranked #2 for best tasting. These were all espressos, though, because I hate drip. Your mileage may vary.

ChernobylSoup August 21, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Blockbuster Video, you're next.

nounverb911 August 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Do they still carry Betamax?

Fare la Volpe August 21, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Sounds like a fish-themed take-off of Skinemax.

Joshua Norton August 21, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I'll believe their "boycott" is working when I can walk 4 blocks and not pass 8 Starbucks.

finallyhappy August 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

The actual Starbucks issue has to do with the economies in various European countries and the acquisition of another company but why bother with that.? Personally, I blame it on the reemergence of the dinosaurs(Nessie, looking at you!)

SigDeFlyinMonky August 21, 2012 at 2:19 pm

And the launch of that new fundie chocolate beverage… Nessie Quick!

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Starbucks doesn't make coffee, they make acid-based beverages that pass for coffee. Even teh gheys see that now. That's why their sales suck.

ChernobylSoup August 21, 2012 at 1:45 pm

$8 coffees don't sell in a recession? Somebody call Adam Smith.

Tequila Mockingbird August 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I've always wondered how one masturbates with an invisible hand.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm

And yet, they still manage to prematurely ejaculate.

Toomush_Infer August 21, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Soundlessly….

SigDeFlyinMonky August 21, 2012 at 2:13 pm

So you have never experienced the invisible hand job of the market?

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 21, 2012 at 2:50 pm

It comes in handy in public places. Like movie theaters, children's playgrounds, outside schools, at the circus … What?!

Fox E. Puppet August 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm

The Invisible Hand can't afford to get the caffeine jitters.

Tundra Grifter August 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

The former customers are over at that new bakery, buying $5 cupcakes.

Callyson August 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Damn you, NOM, don't make me feel guilty for going to local independent coffeehouses!

finallyhappy August 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Kefa! Zed's! but Chinatown Coffee is not worth it- I DON"T CARE what the DC crowd says. I walked 14 blocks to get a latte at Chinatown coffee- what a waste of time, money and my feet

noodlesalad August 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm

The Silent Majority is neither.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm

MEMO

TO: NOM

FROM: actor212

This is how a boycott works

NSFW, if you hate HuffPo

banana_bread August 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I'm boycotting Republicans and yet it doesn't seem to work. >:(

Geminisunmars August 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Well, their stock is going down, so it might be working.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I'd like to boycott them with a baseball bat.

Of votes

ChernobylSoup August 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

These are the same people who think their prayers result in Tim Tebow's touchdowns.

nounverb911 August 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

They're praying for something good to happen in New York?

SayItWithWookies August 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Jersey, technically.

fartknocker August 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Rick Perry had a Prayer-A-Paloser last summer and 1.3 million acres and 2,200 structures were destroyed.

Billmatic August 21, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I wonder what God will do two years from now when Tebag is cut.

GeorgiaBurning August 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

So why the the San Francisco 49ers (read- gay, liberals) have a better record? Then again, with scab refs, God may be the only one who knows what penalty going to be called on a play.

PubOption August 21, 2012 at 3:23 pm

The group, of course, includes Tebow himself.

Fare la Volpe August 21, 2012 at 8:41 pm

What touchdowns?

YouBetcha August 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I'm going to have hot lesbian sex with a Starbucks Chai Latte later today, in tribute to Starbucks' complete and utter ruin at the hands of NOM.

AlterNewt August 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I find your comment compelling and would like to subscribe to your hot lesbian newsletter.

MinAgain August 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Crap. Does this mean I have to start drinking more of that godawful coffee in order to counteract the boycott?

weejee August 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

When NOM is properly pronounced, does the 'o' say it's name, kinda sounds like gnome? If so, that is Korean for bastard, just sayin'.

Beowoof August 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

When ever I hear of Nom or FRC boycott, I make sure to go out of my way to patronize those merchants. I find that it means I am supporting a group of people I might actually want to have a beer with.

SnarkOff August 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Cheer up, wingnuts. Global warming will eventually kill off all of the coffee crops.

Self-Uploader August 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Thank you for reminding me. Time to go shopping!

mavenmaven August 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

So all the wingnuts are getting their coffee at chik-fil-a? Serves them right.

ph7 August 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Krispy Kreme breakfast. Chik Fil a is for lunch and dinner.

Baconzgood August 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

My client sales have been down….is that because I make too many butt fucking (both male and female) jokes on Wonkette. Or is it because….wait for it…..

I find this difficult to masterbate to….

Fairtackle August 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

So by their "logic" NOM is responsible for the great recession.

fartknocker August 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Today I boycotted Chick-Filet for a tasty plate of migas at a hippy-owned Cafe in South Austin and was served by a gorgeous lesbian who could make any man or woman blush because of her wit and beauty. And the coffee didn't taste like 3% phosphoric acid.

MosesInvests August 21, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Which cafe is that? (always looking for good migas)

fartknocker August 21, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Magnolia Cafe at 1600 S. Congress – open 24 hours. Try the Eggs Zapatino, it's spicy love.

horsedreamer_1 August 21, 2012 at 7:17 pm

So, you're saying there's a chance?

What's to say I talk Whoopi Goldberg/Drew Barrymore movies with her… Odds good?

sudsmckenzie August 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Cant wait for the Million Mom Jeans march.

SayItWithWookies August 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Fundies know that boycotts work the same as prayer — they're much more successful when the goal you're trying to attain is already in the process of happening. Next they're going to pray that this week's episode of Two and a Half Men is boorish and unfunny.

PsycWench August 21, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I'm sure someone has prayed that I return to a classroom next week and I won't be exactly ready.

upthruster August 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

"Starbucks supported same-sex marriage, saw their support from Republicans dwindle,"

Hey wait a minute! I thought only liberal elites drank lattes!

gullywompr August 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Oh I dunno, I'm more than willing to believe that flat sales are the result of the right.

Antispandex August 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

To me all this proves is that if you start two wars, then refuse to raise taxes to pay for them, then start demanding that the governemnt lay off a bunch of workers that help to fuel the economy, because, you know, we're broke, alot of people may soon lose the diposable income needed to pay five dollars for a cup of coffee…but I don't know much about money and stuff, so…

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 6:11 am

The GOP boycott of reality really paid off big, didn't it?

JustPixelz August 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

One Million Moms. And not a single MILF in the bunch. Fuck me for even trying.

actor212 August 21, 2012 at 2:07 pm

*unzip*

If you insist…

Antispandex August 21, 2012 at 4:25 pm

"And not a single MILF in the bunch."

I guess I'm risking a reverse racism accusation if I quote Redd Foxx about those Million Moms (probably like 2,500 moms, but whatever). Aw, heck, I'm going to risk it. "There's nothing uglier than an old white woman". Now now, ladies, I was just quoting.

Angry_Marmot August 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

We had to destroy the mall in order to save it.

PsycWench August 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm

and yet Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow are still on the air.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 6:14 am

Despite the loss of their Republican supporters. Amazing, innit?

SigDeFlyinMonky August 21, 2012 at 2:07 pm

On the other hand, their boycott of rationalism and empiricism is showing excellent results.

CrunchyKnee August 21, 2012 at 2:07 pm

First I've heard of these boycotts. At the Bush Recession Camp down by the river where I live, JC Penney boxes are highly prized for living in, with their roominess and what have you.

Blueb4sinrise August 21, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Starbucks blech! But doing okay since the crash
http://ycharts.com/companies/SBUX/revenue_growth

no_gravity August 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I don't go to Starbucks for the same reason I don't go to Chick-Fil-A, they both suck.

Tundra Grifter August 21, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I think we should take a moment to remember the greatest boycott ever – well, at least since the millworkers in Manchester, England, went without work for years because they didn't want to weave slave-grown cotton from the Confederate States of America.

I write, of course, about Bull O'Really's boycott of France! A whole fucking country! And we know it was a roaring success because he said it was, and any one doubting his obvious facts could read about it in the Paris Business Review.

DerrickWildcat August 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

It sounds suspicious. LOL, I don't think there's even a million Moms.

fartknocker August 21, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I'm boycotting a certain VP candidate and her spawn child who has a tee-vee show and it's not working out very well.

pdiddycornchips August 21, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I knew something was going on, there was a million MILF's marching around the Hamptons this weekend.

Toomush_Infer August 21, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I'm boycotting those Million Moms….well, actually, I'm just avoiding them, cause….eeewwww….

Tundra Grifter August 21, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I'm not much of a Starbucks fan. When I occasionally go in there for a brownie they ask me if I'd like something to drink to go with it and I say "You guys serve coffee?"

However – to the Starbucks busters here I would like to point out at least they provide employee health insurance. I know you'll probably answer that it's a crappy plan, etc. And I'm prepared to believe working there isn't as sweet as having a job at In 'n' Out.

But any low-wage retail establishment that offers any benefits is taking a solid step in the right direction, and giving the lie to those other businesses that say it can't be done.

not that Dewey August 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Do homosexuals ever use Apple products?

Billmatic August 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Never!

operationpurple August 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

This reminds me of when I get pissed off at someone and sit and send them negative vibes. If I wait long enough, something always goes wrong for them. It works.

Billmatic August 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

So let me get this straight

Boycotting JC Penny and Starbucks = super and good for jesus
boycott of chick-fil-a = evil and totally uncalled for, anti capitalist, anti american and just wrong all the way around.

Jus_Wonderin August 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I am boycotting any religon so…they are not getting my 10 percent. There's that.

zippy_w_pinhead August 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

maybe Mike Huckabee can hold a Starbucks appreciation day because you know, boycotts are the evil spawn of Satan and whatnot and FREE SPEECH!!!!

oh wait…

DahBoner August 21, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Starbucks sales are flat because they had to grind their mermaid's breasts down to stubs…

Guppy August 21, 2012 at 3:32 pm

As a tech nerd, walking into a Best Buy has left me feeling unclean even before Minnesota Forward, while I never felt hipster enough to be in a Target.

fuflans August 21, 2012 at 3:53 pm

this is probably my fault.

i don't drink coffee.

sorry.

Fare la Volpe August 21, 2012 at 8:41 pm

You and me both. Truly we are horrible people for not paying gobs of money to drink swill water that rots our teeth and makes us chemically dependent on caffeine.

Our punishment will be not dying of a heart attack at 50, and it will serve us right.

glamourdammerung August 21, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I thought boycotts were "just like the Nazis". After all, that is what all the mouthbreathers were screaming when some folks wanted to boycott a fast food chain recently.

zippy_w_pinhead August 21, 2012 at 4:19 pm

IOKIYAR

elviouslyqueer August 21, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Dear So-Called "Christian" boycotters:

Yep. Still doing it wrong. Now, kindly STFU and channel some of your rageaholic boycottism toward helping out teh poors, the downtrodden, the sick, and those in need of true Christian kindness, justice, and mercy. Y'know, like I taught you how to do in that book you insist on continually misreading.

Love,

Jesus

Calapine August 21, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Dr. Zoom ANALyzing one million moms!! *snicker snicker* *immature giggle*

BZ1 August 21, 2012 at 5:47 pm

"One Million Moms boycott"? Don't the gheys have moms??

zumpie August 21, 2012 at 6:19 pm

1) Are they gonna go back to boycotting Disney World? Cause (and I realize I'm alone here) I really like their hotels and shorter lines in the parks would be quite teh awesome.

2) Snark-free: JC Penney was hurting well before they embarked on the worst marketing strategy EVER, that simply nailed their coffin shut. Especially since they used to have great sales and clearance. Their other issue? Their stores are practically devoid of, um, stuff to buy these days. Which is probably because they can't afford to pay their vendors so they're been cut off by their suppliers, but still…

insidebeltway August 22, 2012 at 7:12 am

I'm still boycotting Arizona and Colorado, and only recently began eating grapes again.

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