THE MAN INSIDE ME  6:00 pm August 17, 2012

Totally Not Gay Andrew Shirvell Ordered To Pay $4.5 Million For Heterosexually Stalking Gay College Student

by Jeff Wattrick

I just blued myselfLispy former Michigan Assistant Attorney General Andrew Shirvell, who is absolutely not gay, will have to pay $4.5 million in damages just because he stalked, harassed, and obsessively chronicled the private life of former University of Michigan student body president Chris Armstrong (Gay-Go Blue!).

Naturally, he plans to appeal the verdict. Shirvell isn’t going to just lie there and take this punishment like some sissy bottom.

“It’s absolutely, 100% outrageous,” he told the Free Press. “It’s way excessive.

“The whole case is about politics. Every conservative Christian in the nation should be scared from this. This is the radical homosexual lobby trying to make an example out of me. Every conservative Christian in the nation should know that they are going to come after you if you object to their lifestyle, that they are going to crucify you in the public arena.”

The crucifixion is a metaphor Shirvell goes back to quite a bit. How Jesus was beaten and abused, his taut body stripped naked and left hanging on the cross…

And so Andrew Shirvell has resisted, with great internal fortitude, the radical homosexual lobby’s efforts to recruit him to their erotic immoral homosexual lifestyle. He also made it his life’s work to protect other impressionable young men from Armstrong’s seductive powers. Mainly by picketing outside the undergraduate’s home and saying he is a “privileged pervert” exactly like a Nazi in every way.

You’d think the authorities would give Shirvell a medal for bravely protecting naïve and smooth undergrads from Armstrong’s insidious recruiting techniques, but no.

Instead, the Godless secular government says Shirvell has to pay several million dollars for “harassing” Armstrong. Why doesn’t anyone understand that Shirvell is the real victim? Chris Armstrong’s very existence is harassing poor Andrew Shirvell!

How is a nice Christian boy, alone in his bed, supposed to sleep when he knows somewhere in the world Chris Armstrong might be nakedly grinding his body against another man? It’s enough to make Andrew Shirvell so furious that he feels like he could just explode. [Detroit Free Press]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 421 comments }

nounverb911 August 17, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Shirvell's wife, Marcus B, was visibly upset at the news.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Michele (after checking Marcus's browsing history): Sweetie, what's silverdaddies.com?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I doubt those two ever called each other "sweetie." Probly more like George and Laura. He used to call her "Lump," as I recall.

LetUsBray August 17, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I believe I was happier before I knew that.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:07 pm

(Hugs LetUsBray) I'm sorry! Does that make up for it?

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Srsly?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Srsly. Isn't that romantic? I have taken to calling my partner "Lump," but our other partner insists I add the word "Luscious" so he'll know we don't think of him as our Laura.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I did not know about this. "Lump"? Really? "Sugarbuns", "My Texas Tea", or "My Joker Face" would have been better.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Lump. I swear to all I hold dear. That was Georgeya's nick for Laura.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 10:34 pm

"George and Laura. He used to call her "Lump," as I recall."

Wow, he really *was* a mean-spirited little prick, wasn't he?

I mean, I don't think I'd put Laura on the cover of Vogue, but whatever else you can say about her, she put up with him all these years, which is more than a lot of women would (or could) do — and I'll bet she put up with plenty more than we'll ever know about.

SavageDrummer August 18, 2012 at 9:13 am

It's okay, she didn't have to give up booze and coke to be the first lump…

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Yes, he was. Whatever Laura's faults might be, and I'm sure they are legion as all of ours, she was once a pretty young girl with whom the jerk presumably fell in love. She stayed faithful to him for what, four decades now? Bore and raised his two children and, if I know anything about human beings, got that worthless asshole cleaned up and dressed up and wheeled out there every day. It was downright ungracious of him to pick such an unappealing nick to describe his helpmeet and presumable love of a lifetime.

viennawoods13 August 18, 2012 at 7:45 pm

To be fair, Laur-a, 2 syllables.

bumfug August 17, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Now he's busy calculating how many sailors he'll have to blow at 10 bucks a pop to get $4.5 million.

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

AOTK

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Bumfug walked right into that one.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Now he's busy fantasizing about how many sailors he'll have to blow at 10 bucks a pop to get $4.5 million.

FIFY

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I *almost* missed what you did there.

bumfug August 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Ha!

ManchuCandidate August 17, 2012 at 6:21 pm

He could always talk to Barry Zuckercorn

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Barry is very good.

orygoon August 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I interrupt this hilarity to proudly announce that Orygoon, Jr.-The-Spare did today graduate from Navy Basic Training, and we parent Goons are very proud. And we hope he stays away from such cretins as Shirvell and spends his munnies on more wholesome, or at least more fun, pastimes.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Mazel tov to you all!

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Well, congratulations, you and The Other Goon must (and should) be very proud of yourselves! (Hugs orygoon) It's no mean feat to raise a child to successful adulthood.

orygoon August 17, 2012 at 7:17 pm

TYTYTY. We count ourselves lucky-times-two. The Heir is making a living and having a grand time as a classical pianist in San Francisco. The Spare is now a Sailor. Curiously, neither is gay, but who cares?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:09 pm

How cool is that. Both the little fledglings safely raised and sent forth to fly. Y'all sound like wonderful parents. Pour yourselves a big glass of wine, put your feet up and FEEL GOOD. (God knows you'll be feeling like shit a whole lotta times between now and the re-election of our wonderful Prez, so get it while you can!)

MinAgain August 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Well done!

orygoon August 17, 2012 at 7:21 pm

(Bows gratefully). Waiting most impatiently for Chicago-area family members to send photos of the young man in his Crackerjack uniform.

Blueb4sinrise August 17, 2012 at 9:03 pm

So, if you're bummed about an empty nest, and are looking to adopt……

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm

You're available?

orygoon August 17, 2012 at 9:33 pm

You know of a golden retriever puppy that is needing a home?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm

You rate Mr. Shrivell's oral skills too highly, my friend. Before he's done, he will have done the entire crew of several aircraft carriers and will be covered with their juices and lube. Oh, yes. Plenty of lube.

barto August 17, 2012 at 6:50 pm

I thought he paid them.?.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:11 pm

You mean you've been taking money from that idiot all alo … OMG. I coulda made a FORTUNE~!

pdiddycornchips August 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

He only needs to suck one Koch.

rmjagg August 17, 2012 at 7:10 pm

blowing 450,000 sailors is very likely a nightmare/dream come true for him ….

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Pfft. He'd still say that the homosexualists made him do it because nobody would hire his sorry ass due of his psycho-stalker behavior/Christian crusading.

badseeds August 17, 2012 at 7:17 pm

It's not so much a job, it's an adventure.

Wait, that's the army, not the navy. Oh well. He'll soldier on.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 12:15 am

Hey, it's Michigan, where unemployment is 30% or 50% or what the fuck ever ridiculous amount it is these days. He'll have to charge a lot less than 10 bucks to be competitive in the free market.

Negropolis August 18, 2012 at 12:41 am

It's a stout 9%, and actually up over the last three or four months…after having fallen every month in the last year of Democrat Jennifer Granholm's final term, BTW.

But, Rick Snyder is a businessman (read: investor), so he knows beest, right? We elected our very own Mitt Romney. Beware.

ProgressiveInga August 17, 2012 at 6:04 pm

"This is the radical homosexual lobby trying to make an example out of me."

You wish, former Michigan Assistant Attorney General Andrew Shirvell, you wish….

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 6:21 pm

THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME!! THEY'RE ALL OUT TO GET ME!!!

Says the closeted stalker of a college student.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Oh, Butch, honey, you KNOW what Andrew's REALLY thinking is more like, "They're gonna surround me, their hirsute chests straining the buttons of their shirts. As they come closer, I watch, horrified, as their nipples harden, their crotches swell and bulge, their … OMG! YES! YES~!"

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:03 pm

He needs to accept himself, come out, and settle down with some nice bears.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I'm having SO MUCH fun fantasizing Andrew Shirvell in my neighbouring fair city. I just hope he doesn't have any kids. His wife's in for a shock, and soon, I think.

PsycWench August 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

time for one of my favorite Onion articles: http://www.theonion.com/articles/why-do-all-these

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I just LOVE that article. LOVE it.

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I'll second that.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Always a classic.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm

I'll up you one of my favorite Kids in the Hall sketches:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNAXQ0fi8MM

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Hilarious!

Callyson August 17, 2012 at 11:53 pm

"I keep a chilled keg in my bedroom"

Fuck Cosmo sex tips: *there's* the secret to driving a man wild…

viennawoods13 August 18, 2012 at 12:16 am

I have actually been in a play with Scott Thompson. He and I were in high school together. He was funny then too.

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I knew which one you meant even before I clicked. Then, there's always this:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-passion

PsycWench August 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm

That's my other favorite!!!! I love you.

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm

It's a classic.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 9:45 pm

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

That's why they're the undisputed champs, right there.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 10:45 pm

That's not a joke; it's a documentary.

Negropolis August 17, 2012 at 11:21 pm

This is the very first thing that came to mind when I saw the title of this post. lol

Callyson August 17, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm

He said Armstrong was the "Satan of the Student Counsel"

The perfect punk rock band!

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Student Counsel Satans now touring with Lesbian Cabal!

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Pretty fucking cool!

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

This guy doesn't have a clue, does he? Wingnutters traditionally 'object' to homosexual 'lifestyles' from the comfort of their dens without having to physically stalk anyone- he should learn from them. You might think someone in his position could afford a laptop & a private living space?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:29 pm

He's not a wingnut. He's a SCREAMING closet queen. Check out any clip of him on the Net. That mouth was MADE for sucking cock. And the guy behind it thinks so too.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Not mutually exclusive gigs, amirite?

I don't think you need to be a psychiatrist to figure out that the ones yelling loudest about the gays are the ones who are least certain about their own sexual identities. Like Mr. Undercover Bathhouse Spy…

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm

I just know he's gonna be crying his poor little eyes out when he finally comes out of the closet. Let's just hope he does it in a calm and peaceable way.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:10 pm

"Like Mr. Undercover Bathhouse Spy…"
Which one? There seems to be sooo many. I've lost count.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 8:20 pm

I meant this guy, but your point is well taken…

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Well, if I had a cock, I wouldn't let him near it.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Trust me, I'm sure 99% of the population agrees with you. Even the ones without cocks.

viennawoods13 August 18, 2012 at 12:24 am

Wow. Flaming.

chicken_thief August 17, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Clearly he doesn't read the Wonkette – Craigs List is where the action is, ba-bay!!!

HogeyeGrex August 17, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Wingnutters traditionally 'object' to homosexual 'lifestyles' from the comfort of their dens Interstate rest stops

ftfy

rockyoumonkeys August 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

That video interview with Anderson Cooper is COMEDY GOLD.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 7:23 pm

"You sure got a purty mouth"

rickmaci August 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm

JeebuzzHCrystonthecross. Just watched the AC interview. Andrew is a very sad and strange individual. Just imagine the internal demons that make his life a living hell! Can't help thinking he should give up law and try the priesthood.

PsycWench August 17, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Wouldn't one need to be articulate to be a priest?

Negropolis August 17, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Oh hell no. Won't someone think of the children?! Won't anyone thinkof the children?!

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I thought that's what the priests were doing. All the time.

awashinshite August 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Munchausen -by -proxy syndrome?

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Munch'n on his hausen you mean.

PsycWench August 17, 2012 at 10:07 pm

At first I read that as "Moonshine by proxy". Honest.

sbj1964 August 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Jesus? Mark 14:51 what was Jesus doing in a garden late at night with a young naked boy?King of Kings,or the queen of queens?And why would they leave that little tid-bit in the Bible? Oh yeah,Catholic priest.

coolhandnuke August 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Don't despair Shirvell, I see donuts in your future…"Crumb and Get It" will hook you up.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 9:31 pm

And éclairs. You know this guys loves him some éclairs, now…

Terry August 17, 2012 at 6:09 pm

There is justice in this world

outragedcitizen August 18, 2012 at 10:50 am

If only the Fed courts and DOJ would take on Wall Street even half as hard.

Still it's nice to see one of these asshats getting a high hard one every now and then.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Short, sharp shock …

Blueb4sinrise August 17, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Let's take up a collection for Shirvell. I have one shit ready.
Anyone else?

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm

I tried to give one, but I only ended up farting in his general direction…

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Well, at least you channeled your efforts in a, uh, an organized manner.

Blueb4sinrise August 17, 2012 at 6:31 pm

It's the thought that counts.

rmjagg August 17, 2012 at 7:11 pm

my dogs will pony up

Lascauxcaveman August 17, 2012 at 7:34 pm

As Wonkettes, we really shouldn't give two shits for this guy.

Blueb4sinrise August 17, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Thank you. Took two hours.

Lascauxcaveman August 17, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Yeah, first thing I thought of when I saw your comment. "Whoa! Nobody got it yet?"

Anyway, thanks for the set-up.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:38 pm

We *haven't.*

elviouslyqueer August 18, 2012 at 1:18 am

I'll see your two shits and raise you one gigantic flying fuck.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm

At a rolling doughnut.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I can only afford a belch. Is that enough?

Fare la Volpe August 17, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I think Shirvell was hoping for a cum belch.

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I'm kind of a dork. This is my favorite Mr.Show (David Cross) Sketch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-ZNX1jqbOk

And better call Saul! http://www.bettercallsaul.com/

Tequila Mockingbird August 17, 2012 at 7:01 pm

This one is my favorite Mr. Show sketch, and it's very apropos.

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 6:09 pm

hey Andy, Jesus called- he said to get down from his cross.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Jesus needs the wood.
Also, Shirvell could use some that other "wood".

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Ooh, you bad boy!

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:19 pm

*adopts a southern belle accent*
Ah just couldn't help mahself. It's Ah-gust in Richmun, the heat just gets to yah and a girl starts gettin' these certain thahghts in her head.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Reminds me of a joke about a Southern belle who went to NY and discovered cunnilingus. When she got home all her friends asked her how it went, and she told them in great detail. Whereupon, after a horrified silence, one of the fine ladies asked, "What do you call a man who does that?" And our heroine replied with a sigh, "I don't know about y'all, but ah called him "Darling!"

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Huh, he said "wood"

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:34 pm

This is where I do the doofus "heh-heh."

MRjonz August 18, 2012 at 11:05 am

That's because Sarah Palin has it booked right up till the end of November.

Beowoof August 17, 2012 at 6:10 pm

The projection is strong in this one.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 7:59 pm

We're getting closer to some cosmically ludicrous level of wingnut projection that will defy even their most determined efforts to accept. So I believe, as I keep clapping nice and loud.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 6:11 pm

The radical homosexual lobby is very tastefully decorated.

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 6:16 pm

first impressions count…

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm

The more *conservative* homosexual lobbies, OTOH … ugh, pastels!

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Pastel camouflage? Ewww…

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm

You just *had* to make it worse, din'tchu? (bleaches eyeballs)

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Well, those conservative homosexuals are stuck in (hehe) the glory/gory days of Reagan.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:15 pm

It's funny, all us Oldz fagz really hate the Raygunz and Republicans/conservatives in general. It's a wonder to us that the Yoof of Today would even consider "gay Republican" as anything but the most moronic of oxymorons.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I was born in 1975 and still remember more than I'd like to about the tricklin' down years of Reagan.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Wait. Hold up a minute.

You just come right out and admit it, huh? You're one of them? And you're not ashamed to just come out and say it, boom, like it's no big deal?
What the hell am I doing here? My mom raised me better than this. I really don't know if I should be hanging around places like this. It's sadly obvious you're a total reprobate, no surprise there.
But an Oldz?

That's just gross.

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I think you mean gloryhole days

SavageDrummer August 18, 2012 at 9:54 am

Ahh… the Raygun gloryhole… Makes a Republican weep for the 80s…

rickmaci August 17, 2012 at 7:02 pm

They just know exactly how to get the pillows on the waiting room sofa exactly right.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:43 pm

You use an odd number of pillows to avoid a symmetrical appearance to keep things interesting.

not that Dewey August 17, 2012 at 8:03 pm
MissTaken August 17, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Poor Andrew Shirvell may need to moonlight as an analrapist to pay off this judgement.

PsycWench August 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I get the impression he's more of a catcher than a pitcher. Or whatever the cool gay term is.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Shortstop ?

C_R_Eature August 17, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Tobias Fünke can mentor him.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 8:26 pm

He's willing to suck it up.

C_R_Eature August 17, 2012 at 8:28 pm

As long as they stay away from performing CPR I think they'll be OK.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Hey, CRE!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Hey, MB! How's the whole cannibalism thing going?

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:56 pm

IT'S NOT TRUE, I TELLZ YA!

Geezus, I'm never gonna live this down.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Wuts a trogloraptor, then, eh? You talkin' about them cave spider puppies? Cause that looks like one big mutha.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Yup the ones from Oregon, just recently categorized. Posted the SA linky in Wonkville, but here's it Direct.

MittBorg August 19, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Awww, CRT, that's SO sweet. You give me the best prezzies, srsly. (Hugs the CRE) Thanks, dude.

Exhausted66 August 17, 2012 at 6:12 pm

“It’s way excessive."
Grammar courtesy of The Harvard of the Midwest.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 6:41 pm

And very unique.

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Ahhrggh! Thanks for scratching a mental chalkboard of mine with your nails!

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 1:50 am

You're welcome!

(My nearest & dearest love to bait me with that one…)

glasspusher August 18, 2012 at 2:04 am

Yeah- makes as much sense as “somewhat pregnant”

Low_Budget_Dave August 17, 2012 at 7:18 pm

"It's way excessive. Because, like, I was going to give him money, just not that much."

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Isn't that basically an admission of fault? Cp. "The judge handed down a sentence that is totally unreasonable" ??

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Should have handed down a paragraph.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 1:52 am

If it was a run-on sentence, it might have been both?

glasspusher August 18, 2012 at 2:04 am

As long as they didn't start it with a conjunction. Ugh.

DemmeFatale August 17, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Also, "should be scared from this."
WTF, Andy?!

comrad_darkness August 17, 2012 at 9:24 pm

The Ave Maria School of Law probably didn't help either.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm

He actually *is* a graduate of one a them Bible-bashing law schools, I forget which one, though. Raised quite a stink that he even got hired in the first place.

viennawoods13 August 18, 2012 at 9:55 am

No, really, Ave Maria. Founded by Domino's guy. (your degree in 30 minutes or less!) Among the professors- Robert Bork. Curriculum developer- Antonin Scalia. First annual Ave Maria lecture- Clarence Thomas.

Chichikovovich August 18, 2012 at 10:52 am

That's the one. The "University" and "Law school" were originally in Ann Arbor for the first 8 years or so. Cardboard Pizza Mogul Monahan wanted to build a big new campus in Ann Arbor complete with 25 story crucifix but he couldn't get the zoning variances he wanted, so he packed up and moved the whole operation to Florida.

It was a bucket of cold water for the law school faculty (I knew some people who are friends with some of them). They were the most distinguished wingnut Catholics that could be rustled up – Monahan recruited them with the sales pitch that they would be part of a great revival of Catholic legal scholarship and practice – Ave Maria would be a great institution, blah blah.

These people (at least the ones I had mutual friend links to) had had desirable tenured law school professorships at other attractive places. Giving those up to move to a start-up law school venture involved a significant leap of faith (if I may put it that way) even for people who already had a lot of practice believing preposterous things told to them by figures claiming absolute authority. And, of course, a substantial part of the attraction was its Ann Arbor location, close to the University of Michigan. There would already be an existing scholarly community in Ann Arbor, a world class library and law library, lecture series' by distinguished visitors, etc. That would compensate significantly for the absence of those things at Ave Maria.

But they didn't realize (though they should have) that in Monahan's eyes, a university should be run like a pizza shop, and professors are like pizza delivery drivers. So it came as a shock to be told that after leaving their jobs and burning their boats, that the new institution they had joined was going to be packed up lock, stock and chalk, and shipped to a planned Catholic community that Monahan had bankrolled in the Florida swamp. [OK, I don't know for a fact that the isolated development was actually, literally on swampland. Work with me people.]

(The Florida real estate crash put some of those plans on hold, and the law school ended up in most likely temporary digs in Naples, Fla. But not before the head of the development made news by announcing that in their good Catholic homestead, gays would not be welcome. After a hastily called consultation with lawyers, he said that of course no one would be refused the right to live in the community on religious or other grounds…. but that he would be surprised if it was the sort of environment that gays would choose. Hard to disagree with him on that one.)

Naturally, the faculty (or the students, who were similarly uprooted) had had precisely 0% input into the decision.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Sweet mother of christ. Er, literally.

Negropolis August 18, 2012 at 2:17 am

OMG, like totally way excessive and some junk.

coolhandnuke August 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm

It's a tough call on what is shrinking and shriveling quicker–Shirvell's bank account or his testicles.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:33 pm

He has testicles?

coolhandnuke August 17, 2012 at 6:54 pm

You're right. He dons a cod piece to match his Jeebus fish.

SavageDrummer August 18, 2012 at 9:56 am

Scrummy testicles that those awful homos are always trying to suck on….

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I was going to town with this comment, till ID eated my response. (takes ball, goes home)

NYNYNYjr August 18, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Andrew Shrivell. Ick.

ProgressiveInga August 17, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Andrew Shirvell has just been signed as the next spokesperson for Chik-Fil-A.

True story.

marconidarwin August 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm

This is outrageous.

The appropriate punishment prescribed by Leviticus is for Chris Armstrong to gay-marry Shirvell.

And pay Shirvell's dad 15 shekels. Inflation adjusted, of course.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:33 pm

That's just what Andrew Shrivell wants you to think!

marconidarwin August 17, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Is that a Freudian slip, or did you really want to paint that picture of his penis?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:16 pm

:)

Joshua Norton August 17, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Every time a dumb-as-dirt 'phobe falls back on bible quotes it reminds me that God really should have hired better ghost writers.

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Budget constraints. That war against Satan isn't gonna pay for itself, Buck-o

Lascauxcaveman August 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm

It was supposed to; just think of all the $$$ you'd be pulling out of those brimstone mines!

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:36 pm

God thought it would be a cakewalk, and he'd be greeted as a liberator, with all the damned souls throwing rose petals at him and such.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Or better Holy Ghost writers! Haha!

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I've been a big fan of Ezekiel 25:17 since about 1994…

elviouslyqueer August 18, 2012 at 1:21 am
Boojum August 18, 2012 at 5:01 am

"@Kinareth All I wanted to do was promote my appearance on AC360 and I am being pounded from every angle"

Is this a parody Twitter account?

viennawoods13 August 18, 2012 at 9:52 am

If that is really him, good lord. He is stupider/ less self-aware than I thought possible.

emmelemm August 18, 2012 at 12:39 pm

That CANNOT really be him.

(And yet, if it was a satire account, it would probably say so somewhere in the profile/description thingy, or it would have been long ago shut down by Twitter.)

BZ1 August 17, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Shirvell appeared as his own counsel, bringing to mind the old saw, about having a fool for a client.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:34 pm

It's reported that he cross-examined himself for some *hours.*

Lascauxcaveman August 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm

"Cross-examined."

Heh. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm

"Slicing the icicle","Stapling the Snake","Murdering Mr. Jesus","going cave diving with Uncle Stinky"

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I just can't see even Andy Shrivell, as nuts as he is, pulling the pud for Jeebus in full court. But thanks for rooting (heh) that impression *deeply* in my head.

Fare la Volpe August 17, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Flagellating the Little Bishop.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 9:58 pm

There you are.
In A^2 now, right?
If there's ever an opportunity, I hope you get to tell Mr. Armstrong F2F how impressed we faceless liberal weasels are that he kept such superhuman class and dignity under pressure.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Rubbing the Parson's Nose in it.

OneYieldRegular August 17, 2012 at 6:18 pm

There is a certain logic to Shirvell's argument, in that every Christian who pathologically stalks and harasses people with whom they disagree should be scared by the power of the law that protects people from being pathologically stalked and harassed by people who disagree with them.

GemlikeFlame August 18, 2012 at 9:55 am

Especially if the stalker is an obvious closet case. Like this one. That shirt is a dead giveaway.

sbj1964 August 17, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Andy himself is not Gay,but his boyfriend is.

PsycWench August 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm

After reading some of the descriptions of the harassment, I'm floored that he can stand there and claim his actions are protected by the First Amendment. He would find out which parties Armstrong was attending and sneak in? Sometimes call the police? But that's OK because free speech????
"Every conservative Christian in the nation should be scared from this. " Yeah, scared that you've become the representative conservation Christian in the public's mind. I see atheism on the rise.

HarryButtle August 17, 2012 at 7:51 pm

"I see atheism on the rise."

Amen, sister! Wait, no…

From your lips to God's…um…Nevermind.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 8:05 pm

That was merely "object[ing] to their lifestyle".
Stop pretending it's excessive or unreasonable or motivated by anything other than bedrock conviction.
Obviously Armstrong et al. were resisting that inner holy spirit conviction about The Truth, and a principled man's response, out of purely altruistic concern for their immortal souls, had to be escalated acc-

Waaaah HAH hah hah hah hah haaaah!

Dammit, I almost made it all the way through.
Hee hee heeeee.

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 8:48 pm

"I see atheism on the rise."

Thank god.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:38 pm

I see what you did there.

Fare la Volpe August 17, 2012 at 9:44 pm

I see atheism on the rise.

In my pants. Thank you, try the veal!

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Every sentence can be improved by the addition of "in my pants."

Veritas78 August 17, 2012 at 11:20 pm

"Try the veal—in my pants!" Yup, it's true.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 5:03 pm

ZOMG. I came for the wit, I stayed for theGROSS! I am not fucking eating ANY fucking thing that's been in your pants.

Oh, wait. OTOH … never mind. (leaves quickly)

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Or "between the sheets".

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I'm not eating anything … this just doesn't work, does it? Right. I'm leaving before I get into MOAR trouble.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 10:08 pm

The whole case is about politics.

Ponder that for a sec, in light of Shirvell's actions.
Attempting to physically intimidate, defame, slander… repeatedly trying to ruin the reputation of a student…
That's politics.

If a Christian who's thoroughly neurotic due to his sexual repression (or whatever) shadows a young adult, online and off, as much as he can…
Just politics. That's how the game is played. Simple power-grab mechanics.

But using the word "chains," in the sentence immediately following one in which you quote someone using the word "unchain", is completely beyond the pale.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm

He imagines, as he mounts his wife, Jesus' buttocks taut and gleaming with sweat, lubricating his long, slow upward glide as his nipples … uh, BRB.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:41 pm

"his wife"

*eyeroll*

Yeah, his wife BRUCE!, amirite?

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 4:03 pm

EQ himself assures me that Shirley ain't married. I guess he's got one a-dem Japanese pillows? (trots off, whistling "Turning Japanese")

ManchuCandidate August 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Looks like Andy is a blue man today and will have to suck it up.

Seriously Andy, you wouldn't have blued yourself if you hadn't prematurely shot your wad on what was supposed to be a dry run.

Looks like it will be lots of Analrapey for Andy Poo.

Chow Yun Flat August 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm

"It's way excessive".

Sounds like a 1980's Valley Girl.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Dude. Like, totally gag me with a "spoon"…

zippy_w_pinhead August 18, 2012 at 4:27 pm

that's not a spoon…

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Totally.

Lascauxcaveman August 17, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Fer sure, fer sure.

rmjagg August 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm

he's always wanted to be that …

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm

…and then I called Cindy and we went to the mall

Negropolis August 17, 2012 at 11:35 pm

OMG, like, totally, ya know?

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Gnarly!

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Just because you are constantly found outside a gay man's house masturbating while watching him through his window doesn't make you gay, that's all I'm saying.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm

No, it doesn't make you gay… it just sort of highlights your already being gay…

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Uh … RLY? (finds Lionel's address, packs bag) I'll be right there.

Oh wait, what about being found outside a *straight* man's house, and et cetera?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Truthfully, is anyone really that *straight*?

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 8:59 pm

If they are, I'm not inviting them to any of my orgies…

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Speaking seriously, not in my experience, no.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I have heard a constant rumor that Paul Ryan is going to demand that Mitt Romney step down as the Republican Candidate so that Paul and his gay lover Andrew Shirvell can rule together.

I will note that this is better sourced than any of the Biden or Secret Service Cupcake rumors.

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Cupcake is actually Andrew's blogger name

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 7:19 pm

I thought it was Rick Santorum's boyfriend's name.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Cupcake is actually AynRand's Secret Service codename.

chicken_thief August 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm

DEEP THROAT LIBELZ!!!!!

HogeyeGrex August 17, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I just read that on the internet, so it must be true.

PsycWench August 17, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Your rumor actually has a (screen) name and an avatar attached to it, so way better than Secret Service Cupcake.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:46 pm

"I will note that this is better sourced than any of the Biden or Secret Service Cupcake rumors."

But a damn sight harder to masturbate to.

SavageDrummer August 18, 2012 at 10:15 am

Then you, my friend, just aren't trying…

coolhandnuke August 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I hear burning a box of cereal helps one get over the heartache.

M. Bouffant August 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Too soon.

Heartache. Heh heh.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Wow. That's seriously odd. Poor old idiot.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Really, even in this age of modern medicine and increased life expectancies, the herd has a way of thinning itself out.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Needz moar lighter fluid…

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 7:05 pm

too bad it doesn't help with the heart attack…

HarryButtle August 17, 2012 at 7:54 pm

ZING!

Funny, Cheerios are heart-healthy…if the douchebag had eaten them instead of setting them on fire, he might be alive today.

finallyhappy August 17, 2012 at 8:04 pm

but if you are crazy enough to do this stupid shit- a permanent lipitor drip wouldn't help

plinkleton August 17, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Okay, now what does David Cross have to do with all this?

Tequila Mockingbird August 17, 2012 at 6:55 pm

He's an analrapist.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 8:29 pm

He blue'd himself.

SockBunny August 17, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Read ma mind!

Goonemeritus August 17, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I just watched the Anderson Cooper piece, and I don’t claim to be an expert in these matters but speaking as a layman I feel strongly that Andrew Shirvell is a huge douche-nozzle.

DemmeFatale August 17, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I love how he tries to frame his efforts as some kind of "campaign."
(I also love how Anderson nails him to the wall for it.)

Boojum August 18, 2012 at 5:07 am

Andrew loved that part also, too.

Typodong3 August 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Im starting to be concerned that Baby Jeebus is popping up in all of these wonkette articles. Coincidence? I think not! Its the radical homosexual kenyan anti-colonial fascist-communist-socialist-marxist crucifixion lobby, I tell you!

Designer_Rants August 17, 2012 at 7:20 pm

They're really upset now that Gibson got their rainforest wood stolen by the gubmint. There's no crucifixion like a crucifixion on Tonga Mangrove.

deanbooth August 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm

People are weird.

Tequila Mockingbird August 17, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Which building has the Radical Homosexual Lobby and what time are we meeting? And are there restrooms and a place to get coffee on the same floor?

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 7:08 pm

There is indeed the Larry Craig Memorial Restroom on the ground floor and fresh coffee. It's Star Bucks, as they seem to have a certain affection for teh gheys. Btw, don't forget, the entrance is in the rear…

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Men working above!

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Don't think of it as "work". Think of it as something to enjoy!

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Damn, I thought that place was called Starfish Bucks.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 7:11 pm

A nice Sancerre?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:08 pm

What's with all the buzz around Sancerre, these days, anywho?

eggsacklywright August 18, 2012 at 7:16 am

Can't figure it. The best ones are quite good but expensive as hell. If you like high-acid sauvignon blancs, New Zealand is the way to go for half the price.

Troglodeity August 17, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Who Would Jesus Stalk?

coolhandnuke August 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Celery?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Only at midnight.

Designer_Rants August 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Pharisees?

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Reeds?

Wait, that was Moses…

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Mary Magdalene?

glamourdammerung August 17, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Hitler?

ElPinche August 17, 2012 at 6:48 pm

$4.5 million for the attention of a gay man? Could have saved some money if he just got a Grinder account.

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm

even rentboy has got to be cheaper

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Well, Armstrong's pretty hawt.

And I say this as a almost-always het ex-boy.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 5:59 pm

I'm gonna be parsing that last sentence for a week.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm

4.5 million. Most expensive foreplay ever. Well, since Romney's first date…

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Chris Armstrong isn't just *any* gay man.

Just kidding. Shrivell is nuts, that's pretty damn obvious.

elviouslyqueer August 18, 2012 at 1:23 am

Now El, Grindr is so last month. The fashionable stalkerazzi gheys are all using Scruff these days.

barto August 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm

"radical homosexual lobby trying to make an example out of me"

In your dreams, Andy….

HogeyeGrex August 17, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I think in his dreams it's the radical homosexual basement/dungeon more than the lobby, though he might have an agoraphilia thing going on.

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 9:04 pm

He'd probably be the "before" example.

Misty Malarky August 17, 2012 at 6:50 pm

This story makes my naughty bits Shirvell.

StealthMuslin August 17, 2012 at 6:51 pm

This guy is a timebomb counting down to Fabulous!

azeyote August 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

what a man. he doesn't girly out and say he – she is innocent oh no , he – she just thinks the fine is a bit extreme. thats the christian way i guess. kinda like how the pope does things with the he – she bishops of his.

Lascauxcaveman August 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Hell, he probably not only admitted to all the charges, he probably proudly soapboxed them as the correct and lawful and Christian thing to do, ad nauseam. I would not have enjoyed being the judge on this case.

The $4.5 mil judgement indicates one seriously annoyed judge. For harassment? If he'd played nice and said he was misguided or was driven by his emotional problems, he'd probably have gotten a slap on the wrist and a 5 year restraining order.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I think the kind of harassment to which he subjected his victim went way above and beyond the bounds of common derangement, and the judge took that into account. It's one thing to call someone a dozen times a day or send flowers to their house. It's quite another to be camped in the trees outside their front door at all hours of day and night taking photos of their guests and friends. Srsly this is like competition stalking.

Boojum August 18, 2012 at 5:11 am

Jury verdict, not judge. And, because of the nature of the conduct, it is probably not dischargeable in bankruptcy, so it will follow him forever and a day.

Nostrildamus August 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

It's useless analyzing his statements logically. Shirvell's just trolling for wingnut $ here. Given his adenoidal affect, I wouldn't expect much traction.

Chichikovovich August 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

I would just like to point out that Shirvell was every bit as much of an obviously lunatic gay-hating, out-of-control harrasser when he was hired and retained as Assistant AG under Mike Cox as he is now. And most of what this judgement was based on was common knowledge during a time that Cox was still trying to find a way to keep Shirvell in the AG's office, until the political embarrassment became just too great.

It should not be forgotten that Shirvell is not just an isolated kook. Being the way he is got him hired as an assistant AG. Cox saw this guy and said "That's the kind of guy I'm looking for". Shirvell's only flaw from Cox's point of view was that unlike most of these haters, Shirvell didn't realize that some things are irremediably bad p.r.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm
An_Outhouse August 17, 2012 at 7:51 pm

he worked for cox? hoocudanode?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Srsly.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 8:08 pm

You find it improbable that Shirvell hit his head on, I don't know, the underside of a desk or table… while, uh, retrieving a dropped pen… or something… and then a drastic personality change resulted…
Er…

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:52 pm

"Shirvell was every bit as much of an obviously lunatic gay-hating, out-of-control harrasser when he was hired and retained as Assistant AG
under Mike Cox"

Well, that explains a lot.
With a name like MIke Cox, it's almost like it was fated to happen.

Arkoday August 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Hell hath no fury as a wide-stancer spurned.

rickmaci August 17, 2012 at 6:55 pm

What part of federal court "jury of his peers" found you liable does this blowhole who claims to have gone to law school not understand? This was not the gubbermint telling him to shove it. This was a group of impartial Michigan citizens who listened to both sides and concluded this guy is a very bad boy and needs to be punished (sorry couldn't resist).

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm

A very, very naughty boy, who needs a spanking!

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:14 pm

I hate to say it, but Andy probably dreams of just that.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Shirvell will point out that there were no rabidly homophobic, lisping, closet cases on the jury, so he was not really tried by his peers.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:53 pm

He HAS no peers!
He's a giant among loony homophobe stalkers, and stands alone!

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

"This is the radical homosexual lobby…."
Well, at least it's done fabulously.
(Apologies to Doktor Zoom, who beat me to it…)

HateMachine August 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

You know, it generally bothers me when someone says that a person acting in an objectionable manner "needs a good hot dicking." (for starters, why would you give away perfectly good dickings to those who don't want it?)

But holy fuck, Andrew Shirvell needs your help, gay dudes.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 8:06 pm

This is so far beyond "taking one for the team" that it's impossible to blame every single ghey d00d on earth and in orbit for passing on this mercy mission.

RadioBowels August 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

This story is uglier than a Michigan co-ed.

rickmaci August 17, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Michigan girl libel!! I loved me a Michigan coed once. She had the figure and all American mid-western blond good looks of a Michigan cheerleader and the brains of…well, like I said, she had the body of a cheerleader.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:54 pm

An Ohio State alumnus, are we?

RadioBowels August 18, 2012 at 12:02 am

It took me eight years, but I graduated Phi Beta GOD DAMN Kappa from that school.
N.B., I have been with the same Buckeye Beauty for the last 29 years.

rickmaci August 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Andrew Shirvell is lucky his parents didn't name him Dick.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Winner!

aussiefromafar August 18, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Perfecto!!!!!!!!!!!

Designer_Rants August 17, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Lookit that Andrew, up there on his cross, just waiting for that Chris to spear his prone body like some greased-up Roman warrior.

johnnyzhivago August 17, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Ughhh!!!! That video.

I'm cringing so hard I pulled muscle!

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm

"I sense a lot of anger in your voice" Anderson…..

"Satan's representative on the student counsel"????? hahahahahahahah!

obfuscator2 August 17, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Barrelhse August 17, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Quick aside- the brave women of Pussy Riot should be an example for all of us.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Here, Here!
Free Pussy Riot

finallyhappy August 17, 2012 at 8:06 pm

I think I'll add that to my crocheted uterus tomorrow for the rally at the Capitol. I always have poster board ready to make a sign

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:17 pm

How fucking cool are you, man! Shake that sign at 'em for me. I love it. Rly, you're going? It's the War on Women rally, right? Let me know if y'all take pix. With you in spirit.

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Yeah!

Negropolis August 17, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Today, we are all riots of pussies.

MinAgain August 17, 2012 at 7:11 pm

"How Jesus was beaten and abused, his taut body stripped naked and left hanging on the cross…"

See, this is why I prefer my church crosses plain. There's just something a little pervy about a crucifix.

emmelemm August 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm

IKR??

Dashboard Buddha August 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Hey gang. Well, I just finished my first three weeks of training. I guess I am now a certified "Collection Counselor". I've been way too tired to do much of anything online so just pretend I wrote a gut bustingly hi-larious joke about this douchenozelle…hell, pretend I used the word "shrivell" to mock his name and tiny penis at the same time.

Lascauxcaveman August 17, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Greetings, counselor. I'm sure we'll be speaking on the phone, soon.

(JK, I'm almost absurdly debt-free. Tightwad by nature, really.)

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Hey, DbB! (Hugs you) So glad you survived it, and glad you have work, too. Don't call me anytime, OK?

Barrelhse August 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Who needs Gaydar? This dude's picture says it all.

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Now I'm not saying 'ol Andy is a closeted stalker with a penchant for young men. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that his favorite album to play while he followed Chris around town and peered in his bedroom window is Captain Faptastic and the Brown Dirt Schoolboy

Lascauxcaveman August 17, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Bernie Taupin Libel!

(And also that guy who played piano, whatshisname, used to have red hair, goldfish in his shoes…)

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Ignacy Paderewski?

annettaj August 17, 2012 at 7:15 pm

This is pure punishment for Andrew and he wants some more.

rmjagg August 17, 2012 at 7:19 pm

actually , shivell is playing the Glenn Close character in ' Fatal Attraction '

BlueStateLibel August 17, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Today we are all violated Restraining Orders.

emmelemm August 17, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Well, we're all violated, anyway.

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 8:58 pm

We all at least wish we were being violated.

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 9:28 pm

But not by Mr. Shrivell, please.

mavenmaven August 17, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Don't worry, Andrew, there are some powerful rich old folks who will be happy to help you, for a price…

chicken_thief August 17, 2012 at 7:25 pm

if the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" guys are still around, they may want to help out one of their own – Andie is in desperate need of a make over.

GeorgiaBurning August 17, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Anderson Cooper could at least get him an appointment with a stylist

C_R_Eature August 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm

I don't know about you, but I enjoyed his Op-Ed article in The Onion.

Lot_49 August 17, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Greatest The Onion headline ever?

This one is pretty good too.

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 7:54 pm

LEAVE ANDY ALONE!!!!!

oops, sorry, wrong Chris

ElPinche August 17, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Wanna bet Andrew Shirvell has Chris Armstrong's name tattooed on his anus? I hear it's the new thing these days.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Uh … you go ahead an look, Pinche. Take a photo, even, why not, man.

ElPinche August 18, 2012 at 3:31 am

That was a really really really hypothetical question. I'd rather shove razors in my eyes than see that mutherfuckin nightmare.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 5:57 pm

(stops puking long enough to look up) Hey, no problem, man, we'll never mention it agaaaarrrghgh!

Barrelhse August 17, 2012 at 8:12 pm
MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Oh, my!

mosjef August 17, 2012 at 8:40 pm

His extensive knowledge of gays comes from 3 years on the mop at the All Male Cinema

comrad_darkness August 17, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Shorter Shirvell: Everybody, everybody! I am the victim here! (as assured by his wing nut status, of course)

rocktonsam August 17, 2012 at 9:38 pm

"Its absolutely 100 percent outrageous."

usually means the guy is lying.

docterry6973 August 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm

The video is even more proof of what we all know to be true: Mr. Shirvell has absolutely no gay impulses whatsoever and is motivated solely by his desire to protect the American people from the homosexual gay erotic phallic butt-bumping non-stop sexathon lifestyle that is at once repellent and yet strangely fascinating to certain people but not him.

Warpde August 17, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Pretty sure that "Shirvell's Schlong Shriveled" after the ruling.
Ha! Ha!…….
Try saying that one 5 times fast you drunken bastards.

ttommyunger August 17, 2012 at 10:13 pm

It's fuckwads like this that give closet queens a bad name.

Calapine August 17, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Hmm, isn't 4.5 million a bit harsh? How is ever supposed to pay that?

Seems a restraining order and community service (or somesuch) would better.

zippy_w_pinhead August 18, 2012 at 2:10 am

yeah, that's really gonna cut into the rentboy budget

Angry_Marmot August 18, 2012 at 8:44 am

The 4.5 million is a measure of the depth of this guy's stupidity, or obstinance, or untreated pathology, or whatever– this is a guy who just Wouldn't Take a Hint, even after multiple warnings from his boss, losing his job, national exposure as a stalker… His target offered to drop the suit if Shirvell would simply apologize. He'll never pay up, but as a symbolic slap upside the head, I approve.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 6:15 pm

He already HAD a restraining order out on him, which he violated at least once IIRC. If you have ever worked in DV situations, then you will realize that this guy Andrew Shirvell is following the classic stalker/murderer pattern. There is no community service that could have helped him while benefiting his target, the gay community. I would be happy if he could be mandated into treatment, but AFAIK you can't force people into treatment merely for hating and wanting to kill other people. You have to wait till they have *actually* killed or injured someone else first.

Calapine August 18, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Hope it didn't come across the wrong way: I have no intentions of defending the guy. And yes, from what you say he seems very…psycho.

What confused me is the high dollar amount, but suppose it's just cultural difference(?). Just googled some recent cases from Germany and what I found was:

Ex-husband stalking wife (divorce 10yrs ago), demolishing the car of new bf: 1200 € fine
55yr old ex-bf stalking 37yr gf over period of 1 year: 600 € fine.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Oh, don't worry, I'm pretty good about telling people all friendly-like when they cross one of my many lines. I guess Europe sees less domestic violence, or something, but generally when a person is willing to escalate stalking behaviour to the point where THEIR OWN livelihood, identity, family, friendships, etc., are threatened, the chances are VERY HIGH that it will escalate into physical abuse and, most likely, murder. At least that was my personal experience when I worked in the field years ago. I haven't kept up with the latest information, but I'm fairly sure that in this particular case the harassment was so egregious that the judge felt it deserved a brutal smackdown. I'm sure the judge increased the dollar amount for at least two reasons: The defendant is himself a lawyer and should have known that his behaviour crossed the line; and the defendant worked for the department that defined and prosecuted the exact same behaviour in which the defendant indulged. There is no way he could NOT have known that his acts violated a law that it was his job to enforce.

Calapine August 18, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Thanks for the little lecture! :)

Last question: Do you know what happens if he can't pay the 4.5m$? Will it be taken out of his paycheck until kingdom come, just dropped or is there a replacement jail sentence?

Actually it's rather sad. That guy (Shrivell) pretty much fucked up his own career and live and has the potential to cause more harm to others. Oh well.

MonkeyMotion August 17, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Isn't "homosexuality" just a theory?

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 17, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I keep testing my hypotheses on this subject. Testing and testing and testing and testing …

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Sure takes a whole lotta testing, huh?

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 10:50 pm

A football Saturday in Ann Arbor, and if you want to go anywhere, you'd better plan to go on foot, because the traffic was pretty much at a standstill. If U-M had had more gay sex and less football, I might have been able to actually get out of my own driveway, back in the day.

Chichikovovich August 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

"U-M had had more gay sex and less football"

Untenable distinction. Football is gay sex, just with padding and expressed not through physical intimacy but rather through the medium of dance.

[P.S. - Were you a Michigan undergrad or grad student? Was that what got you to AA?]

tessiee August 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I agree that football is gay sex. However, gay sex is gay sex that doesn't make it impossible to drive anywhere.

I was neither a Michigan undergrad nor grad student. I'm a proud graduate of Ed & Larry University. My then boyfriend, later husband, now ex-husband was an undergrad, so I moved to Ann Arbor to shack up with him, and got a job working for U-M (I also worked at Drake's, if you remember them).

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 10:52 pm

When you're looking for a savior with rock-hard, six-pack abs, Jesus is really the only way to go.
Not like *some* deities I could name.
*cough*Buddha*cough*

Angry_Marmot August 18, 2012 at 8:26 am

Built for comfort, not for speed.

Chichikovovich August 18, 2012 at 10:59 am

Listen, Buddha was a helluva ballplayer when he was in high school. But then he tore up his knee and it was hard to exercise. Cut him some slack.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Yeah. 'Zackly. (munches another butter cookie)

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 5:55 pm

All the better to HUG Y'ALL with, m'dear.

tessiee August 19, 2012 at 1:43 pm

*hugs MittBorg*

MittBorg August 19, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Have I told you lately that I love you? No?

(Hugs the tessiee right back with a big warm comforting hug)

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 10:55 pm

So, should we be referring to him as "Shirley Shirvell" or "Nelly Shirvell"?

elviouslyqueer August 18, 2012 at 1:27 am

Yes.

Negropolis August 17, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Revenge is a dish best served in money bag after money bag after money bag. Eat it, Shrivel, and good on you, Armstrong. It's bad enough folks are bullied in high school, let alone after that. Let this be a warning.

That said: Muck Fishigan Up, as we say over here in Spartan county.

Lot_49 August 17, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Ag schools rule! Animal husbandry FTW!

Negropolis August 17, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Let me tell you the confusinon on people's faces when they hear the term "experimental farm."

miss_grundy August 17, 2012 at 11:15 pm

So this Michigan asshat decides to stalk, harass and bother some college kid whose gay and it is supposed to be an anti-Christian conspiracy? No, it's this clown using his political office to be a gigantic jerk. When are Christians going to learn to tolerate gays???? So, you don't want to accept people, then be a little old-fashioned and fracking TOLERATE. Just leave people alone.

Negropolis August 17, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Wonkettee, please appropriately file this under:

"He does come to your job to knock the dicks out of your mouth."

ph7 August 17, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Nice writing, btw.

sudsmckenzie August 18, 2012 at 12:05 am

I'm z Never Shrivel … have a nice weekend.

Angry_Marmot August 18, 2012 at 8:28 am

"Never Shrivel, Never Surrender!"

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I'd like to hear you say THAT in a snowy river.

ibwilliamsi August 18, 2012 at 12:35 am

I'm just thinking how sad it might be that this guy has never actually had sex with someone he's attracted to – like a MAN.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 12:40 am

"Shirvell was every bit as much of an obviously lunatic gay-hating, out-of-control harrasser when he was hired and retained as Assistant AG under Mike Cox as he is now."

So, it was either the Cox-Shirvell administration, or the Shirvell-Cox administration.
Either way, it was not going to result in a happy ending.

eggsacklywright August 18, 2012 at 7:23 am

You deserve more upfists for that one.

Chichikovovich August 18, 2012 at 11:02 am

What eggsackly said. Maybe you aren't getting the recognition now, but some future PhD in Wonkette Studies will be written on this comment alone.

Isyaignert August 18, 2012 at 2:47 am

Check out the video on the "Lispy" link in the first line of the article at 10:04 – Anderson Cooper does an involuntary eye roll blink thing that is worthy of a Scooby Doo "whernketd" moment. I "heart" you Wonkette and Wonketeers. 'nite!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 18, 2012 at 3:23 am

"Every conservative Christian in the nation should know that they are going to come after you if you object to their lifestyle, that they are going to crucify you in the public arena.”

You say that like it's a bad thing.

ElPinche August 18, 2012 at 3:50 am

Look at this fucko at an anti-gay rally: http://img831.imageshack.us/img831/6353/andrewshi
He's screaming for cocks in every orifice . His beady eyes says "fuck-you-faggots" but his mouth says "show me ur weenis!!"

FajitaFriday August 18, 2012 at 10:19 am

"OOH,,,,it'th tho extheththive. Make it more extheththive! "

rocktonsam August 18, 2012 at 11:26 am

makes me wonder if Raul Ryan will bring in the ghey vote too

DahBoner August 18, 2012 at 11:59 am

How Jesus was beaten and abused, his taut body stripped naked and left hanging on the cross…

The Scorecard:

Roman Empire 1

Jesus 0

aussiefromafar August 18, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Andrewe……..How many letter "s" are there in the word carrot?

usuhname August 19, 2012 at 10:13 am

What would JC do people? Presumably say:
- Get a life, you bile-brimmed hicks
- Get out of the closet… and grow a pair.
- Learn to read (the bible)

KenLayIsAlive August 19, 2012 at 11:41 pm

“It’s [as] absolutely, 100% outrageous" as is his claim to be "absolutely, 100% heterosexual".

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Rilly. Getting to be the only guys in teh gay bathhouses are "spies" these days. Sexy!

foxypuppet August 17, 2012 at 9:04 pm

But I'm sure voyeuristic titillation has nothing to do with that.

And surely, these spies aren't engaging in buttsecks with each other?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:36 pm

"Straight" men like Peter LaBarbera who goes to EVERY leather bar in town to make sure that he knows *exactly* what those awful, depraved faggots are doing. In detail. With close-ups.

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 9:11 pm

They like to watch. Hawt.

SavageDrummer August 18, 2012 at 9:40 am

That's just "research"…

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Don't you mean 'mist' down?

Negropolis August 17, 2012 at 11:30 pm

As my city's mayor has said: We are tired of being trickled on.

Fare la Volpe August 17, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Golden showering down.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Chauncey? Chauncey Gardner, is that you?

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:25 pm

[Foghorn Leghorn's voice/accent]

"Missy Boo, my tongue's about to slap a hole in the roof of my mouth! Now start, Ah say, start shakin' them sheets, because when Ah get them li'l panties off, it's gonna sound like a toothless tomato-eatin' contest! Ah mean, Ah'm gonna be all up in there like Sherman through Georgia! (Pay attention when I'm talkin' to ya!)"

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 11:28 pm

"Reminds me of a joke about a Southern belle who went to NY and discovered cunnilingus"

Oh! *went to NY*!

Cousin Vinny: Hey, Scarlett or whoevuh! Your tits look good in dat dress dere!
Southern Belle: Why, SIR! I do declare, you're giving me the vapors!
Cousin Vinny: Whaddayamean, the vapors? Does'at mean a case'a the farts? Let me know whenevuh you're done, cause I wanna eat your pussy like it was pastafazool'. I like a little clams on my linguini, know what I mean? [elbow nudge] Hanh? Fa-hawkin AY!! [gropes crotch]

Boojum August 17, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Other partner? Tell me moremon!

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 12:23 am

"Lump. I swear to all I hold dear. That was Georgeya's nick for Laura."

Ugh.
OK, I know Dumbass was a smirking bully who disparaged everybody, not just his wife, but…
People who are disrespectful to their significant others really burn my gorgeous ass. If it's that bad to be with them, pack your shit and get out, but don't take swipes at them in public a la "The Lockhorns" (which I never thought was funny). It's cowardly, passive-aggressive, and frankly, whoever is listening *really doesn't* want to hear shit like "At least she's cooking in ONE room of the house, huh huh huh!"

My 2 cents.

elviouslyqueer August 18, 2012 at 1:16 am

Oh MB, Shirley's not married. For some reason, she can't see to find the right woman with whom to settle down. Bless her heart.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 18, 2012 at 3:39 am

And use a preposition to end it with.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 12:08 pm

That is something up with I shall not put…

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Apocryphal, of course, but I believe it was Churchill who, when admonished about breaking that very rule, replied with the exact same sentence, but added, "you bastard" at the end.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Imagine THAT! I wonder why THAT would be?

He is SO jealous and mad that Chris Armstrong is out and happy and successful. And so crazy in love with Chris, in the worst stalkerish kinda way. I just hope the little fuck comes out without hurting himself or anyone else. His time's running out.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:51 pm

"Toothless tomato-eating contest"? ZOMG! I almost pissed myself laughing. I'm saving that for my favourite tomato.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I love that pasta fazool stuff! Them beans!

Er … ooops?

So, do these guidos get laid often, or ever?

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Hey! You had me going for a minute there!

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I had a friend who tired of people asking her if she was pregnant, and would reply, with a perfectly straight face, "Just carrying it for a friend."

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I've always hated The Lockhorns. It's OK to be disrespectful to everyone in the world before your own family. Because your wife, kids, parents, siblings — they're the people who put up with your shit for decades, who take care of you when you need it and stand by you when others attack. In defense of the worthless piece of shit, he seems to be pretty nice to his daughters (when he isn't driving their friends away by farting on them), but I always thought his treatment of his wife was disgusting. I think the whole nation thought/felt that but nobody said a word because of the RWNJ screamery that was going on throughout his reign. One HUGE factor in Mr. Obama's popularity with the LayDeez appears to be based on the way he treats his lovely wife. He is openly affectionate, loving, supportive, and makes it very plain that he only has eyes for her, and after all these years she still totally rocks his world.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 8:43 pm

You're…you're not?

Well what am I going to do with this new chest freezer full of…

Whoops! No, nothing, nevermind. Heh, heh, heh! My, it's hot out!
*nervously loosens collar*

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Oh, geez, I did get carried away, didn't I?

See, he could have avoided all this bullshit if he'd just been willing to apologize. But NO. He had to big-dick himself to death. What an idiot.

Legally, at this point he can appeal, but on what grounds? He'd have to find some legal theory to support his rather outrageous arguments and behaviour. As a matter of practical fact, if he is unemployed, there is no point in enforcing the judgment. He cannot be jailed in any event since this is a civil suit. I'm sure the many fine legal minds of the Wonketz can give you a better-informed opinion. Although they're more likely to charge for it. But then again, you get what you pay for.

bikerlaureate August 19, 2012 at 12:52 am

Emission accomplished.

MittBorg August 19, 2012 at 1:07 am

Dood, did you just fart in my general direction?

bikerlaureate August 19, 2012 at 3:28 am

Wouldn't that be emulsion?

glasspusher August 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Awesome. My sister was the first woman I felt comfortable asking “How are you feeling?” when she was pregnant. She would always say “I'm tired of people asking me how I'm feeling!”

MittBorg August 19, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Great. Now I'm discussing the chemical composition of your farts. Perfect subject for brunch of a Sunday morning!

MittBorg August 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

*Chest* freezer? Hey, that's the best part! Baby back … no?

I mean, isn't this the kind of thing discussed in *quiet rooms,* CRE? In fact, here's a door. Let's nip behind it. (Slams door behind CRE, checks for mikes)

C_R_Trogloraptor August 20, 2012 at 7:58 pm

*whispers urgently*
"Listen, we don't have much time. I don't think they followed me here… but they're getting close… just a matter of time 'till they find me."

*reaches out, grabs collar, raises voice*
"You tell everybody. Listen to me, Mittborg. You've gotta tell them!"

"Chick-Fil-A … is People!"

MittBorg August 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

(Pats the obviously upset CRT's back) Dude, I don't know how else to tell you this, but … we KNEW that. We supply Chik-fil-A with, um, you know, the parts. Just don't tell anyone else. (kicks wannabe Charlton Heston out of camera range)

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