the man inside me

Totally Not Gay Andrew Shirvell Ordered To Pay $4.5 Million For Heterosexually Stalking Gay College Student

I just blued myselfLispy former Michigan Assistant Attorney General Andrew Shirvell, who is absolutely not gay, will have to pay $4.5 million in damages just because he stalked, harassed, and obsessively chronicled the private life of former University of Michigan student body president Chris Armstrong (Gay-Go Blue!).

Naturally, he plans to appeal the verdict. Shirvell isn’t going to just lie there and take this punishment like some sissy bottom.

“It’s absolutely, 100% outrageous,” he told the Free Press. “It’s way excessive.

“The whole case is about politics. Every conservative Christian in the nation should be scared from this. This is the radical homosexual lobby trying to make an example out of me. Every conservative Christian in the nation should know that they are going to come after you if you object to their lifestyle, that they are going to crucify you in the public arena.”

The crucifixion is a metaphor Shirvell goes back to quite a bit. How Jesus was beaten and abused, his taut body stripped naked and left hanging on the cross…

And so Andrew Shirvell has resisted, with great internal fortitude, the radical homosexual lobby’s efforts to recruit him to their erotic immoral homosexual lifestyle. He also made it his life’s work to protect other impressionable young men from Armstrong’s seductive powers. Mainly by picketing outside the undergraduate’s home and saying he is a “privileged pervert” exactly like a Nazi in every way.

You’d think the authorities would give Shirvell a medal for bravely protecting naïve and smooth undergrads from Armstrong’s insidious recruiting techniques, but no.

Instead, the Godless secular government says Shirvell has to pay several million dollars for “harassing” Armstrong. Why doesn’t anyone understand that Shirvell is the real victim? Chris Armstrong’s very existence is harassing poor Andrew Shirvell!

How is a nice Christian boy, alone in his bed, supposed to sleep when he knows somewhere in the world Chris Armstrong might be nakedly grinding his body against another man? It’s enough to make Andrew Shirvell so furious that he feels like he could just explode. [Detroit Free Press]

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick
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421 comments

          1. MittBorg

            Srsly. Isn't that romantic? I have taken to calling my partner "Lump," but our other partner insists I add the word "Luscious" so he'll know we don't think of him as our Laura.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          I did not know about this. "Lump"? Really? "Sugarbuns", "My Texas Tea", or "My Joker Face" would have been better.

          1. tessiee

            "Lump. I swear to all I hold dear. That was Georgeya's nick for Laura."

            Ugh.
            OK, I know Dumbass was a smirking bully who disparaged everybody, not just his wife, but…
            People who are disrespectful to their significant others really burn my gorgeous ass. If it's that bad to be with them, pack your shit and get out, but don't take swipes at them in public a la "The Lockhorns" (which I never thought was funny). It's cowardly, passive-aggressive, and frankly, whoever is listening *really doesn't* want to hear shit like "At least she's cooking in ONE room of the house, huh huh huh!"

            My 2 cents.

          2. MittBorg

            I've always hated The Lockhorns. It's OK to be disrespectful to everyone in the world before your own family. Because your wife, kids, parents, siblings — they're the people who put up with your shit for decades, who take care of you when you need it and stand by you when others attack. In defense of the worthless piece of shit, he seems to be pretty nice to his daughters (when he isn't driving their friends away by farting on them), but I always thought his treatment of his wife was disgusting. I think the whole nation thought/felt that but nobody said a word because of the RWNJ screamery that was going on throughout his reign. One HUGE factor in Mr. Obama's popularity with the LayDeez appears to be based on the way he treats his lovely wife. He is openly affectionate, loving, supportive, and makes it very plain that he only has eyes for her, and after all these years she still totally rocks his world.

        2. tessiee

          "George and Laura. He used to call her "Lump," as I recall."

          Wow, he really *was* a mean-spirited little prick, wasn't he?

          I mean, I don't think I'd put Laura on the cover of Vogue, but whatever else you can say about her, she put up with him all these years, which is more than a lot of women would (or could) do — and I'll bet she put up with plenty more than we'll ever know about.

          1. MittBorg

            Yes, he was. Whatever Laura's faults might be, and I'm sure they are legion as all of ours, she was once a pretty young girl with whom the jerk presumably fell in love. She stayed faithful to him for what, four decades now? Bore and raised his two children and, if I know anything about human beings, got that worthless asshole cleaned up and dressed up and wheeled out there every day. It was downright ungracious of him to pick such an unappealing nick to describe his helpmeet and presumable love of a lifetime.

  1. bumfug

    Now he's busy calculating how many sailors he'll have to blow at 10 bucks a pop to get $4.5 million.

    1. foxypuppet

      Now he's busy fantasizing about how many sailors he'll have to blow at 10 bucks a pop to get $4.5 million.

      FIFY

    2. orygoon

      I interrupt this hilarity to proudly announce that Orygoon, Jr.-The-Spare did today graduate from Navy Basic Training, and we parent Goons are very proud. And we hope he stays away from such cretins as Shirvell and spends his munnies on more wholesome, or at least more fun, pastimes.

      1. MittBorg

        Well, congratulations, you and The Other Goon must (and should) be very proud of yourselves! (Hugs orygoon) It's no mean feat to raise a child to successful adulthood.

        1. orygoon

          TYTYTY. We count ourselves lucky-times-two. The Heir is making a living and having a grand time as a classical pianist in San Francisco. The Spare is now a Sailor. Curiously, neither is gay, but who cares?

          1. MittBorg

            How cool is that. Both the little fledglings safely raised and sent forth to fly. Y'all sound like wonderful parents. Pour yourselves a big glass of wine, put your feet up and FEEL GOOD. (God knows you'll be feeling like shit a whole lotta times between now and the re-election of our wonderful Prez, so get it while you can!)

        1. orygoon

          (Bows gratefully). Waiting most impatiently for Chicago-area family members to send photos of the young man in his Crackerjack uniform.

    3. MittBorg

      You rate Mr. Shrivell's oral skills too highly, my friend. Before he's done, he will have done the entire crew of several aircraft carriers and will be covered with their juices and lube. Oh, yes. Plenty of lube.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        Pfft. He'd still say that the homosexualists made him do it because nobody would hire his sorry ass due of his psycho-stalker behavior/Christian crusading.

    4. badseeds

      It's not so much a job, it's an adventure.

      Wait, that's the army, not the navy. Oh well. He'll soldier on.

    5. tessiee

      Hey, it's Michigan, where unemployment is 30% or 50% or what the fuck ever ridiculous amount it is these days. He'll have to charge a lot less than 10 bucks to be competitive in the free market.

      1. Negropolis

        It's a stout 9%, and actually up over the last three or four months…after having fallen every month in the last year of Democrat Jennifer Granholm's final term, BTW.

        But, Rick Snyder is a businessman (read: investor), so he knows beest, right? We elected our very own Mitt Romney. Beware.

  2. ProgressiveInga

    "This is the radical homosexual lobby trying to make an example out of me."

    You wish, former Michigan Assistant Attorney General Andrew Shirvell, you wish….

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME!! THEY'RE ALL OUT TO GET ME!!!

      Says the closeted stalker of a college student.

      1. MittBorg

        Oh, Butch, honey, you KNOW what Andrew's REALLY thinking is more like, "They're gonna surround me, their hirsute chests straining the buttons of their shirts. As they come closer, I watch, horrified, as their nipples harden, their crotches swell and bulge, their … OMG! YES! YES~!"

          1. MittBorg

            I'm having SO MUCH fun fantasizing Andrew Shirvell in my neighbouring fair city. I just hope he doesn't have any kids. His wife's in for a shock, and soon, I think.

          2. elviouslyqueer

            Oh MB, Shirley's not married. For some reason, she can't see to find the right woman with whom to settle down. Bless her heart.

          3. MittBorg

            Imagine THAT! I wonder why THAT would be?

            He is SO jealous and mad that Chris Armstrong is out and happy and successful. And so crazy in love with Chris, in the worst stalkerish kinda way. I just hope the little fuck comes out without hurting himself or anyone else. His time's running out.

        1. Callyson

          "I keep a chilled keg in my bedroom"

          Fuck Cosmo sex tips: *there's* the secret to driving a man wild…

        2. viennawoods13

          I have actually been in a play with Scott Thompson. He and I were in high school together. He was funny then too.

        1. bikerlaureate

          "Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

          That's why they're the undisputed champs, right there.

      1. Callyson

        Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

  3. foxypuppet

    This guy doesn't have a clue, does he? Wingnutters traditionally 'object' to homosexual 'lifestyles' from the comfort of their dens without having to physically stalk anyone- he should learn from them. You might think someone in his position could afford a laptop & a private living space?

    1. MittBorg

      He's not a wingnut. He's a SCREAMING closet queen. Check out any clip of him on the Net. That mouth was MADE for sucking cock. And the guy behind it thinks so too.

      1. foxypuppet

        Not mutually exclusive gigs, amirite?

        I don't think you need to be a psychiatrist to figure out that the ones yelling loudest about the gays are the ones who are least certain about their own sexual identities. Like Mr. Undercover Bathhouse Spy…

        1. MittBorg

          I just know he's gonna be crying his poor little eyes out when he finally comes out of the closet. Let's just hope he does it in a calm and peaceable way.

        2. Butch_Wagstaff

          "Like Mr. Undercover Bathhouse Spy…"
          Which one? There seems to be sooo many. I've lost count.

          1. foxypuppet

            But I'm sure voyeuristic titillation has nothing to do with that.

            And surely, these spies aren't engaging in buttsecks with each other?

          2. MittBorg

            "Straight" men like Peter LaBarbera who goes to EVERY leather bar in town to make sure that he knows *exactly* what those awful, depraved faggots are doing. In detail. With close-ups.

    2. HogeyeGrex

      Wingnutters traditionally 'object' to homosexual 'lifestyles' from the comfort of their dens Interstate rest stops

      ftfy

    1. rickmaci

      JeebuzzHCrystonthecross. Just watched the AC interview. Andrew is a very sad and strange individual. Just imagine the internal demons that make his life a living hell! Can't help thinking he should give up law and try the priesthood.

  4. sbj1964

    Jesus? Mark 14:51 what was Jesus doing in a garden late at night with a young naked boy?King of Kings,or the queen of queens?And why would they leave that little tid-bit in the Bible? Oh yeah,Catholic priest.

  5. coolhandnuke

    Don't despair Shirvell, I see donuts in your future…"Crumb and Get It" will hook you up.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Yeah, first thing I thought of when I saw your comment. "Whoa! Nobody got it yet?"

          Anyway, thanks for the set-up.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          *adopts a southern belle accent*
          Ah just couldn't help mahself. It's Ah-gust in Richmun, the heat just gets to yah and a girl starts gettin' these certain thahghts in her head.

          1. MittBorg

            Reminds me of a joke about a Southern belle who went to NY and discovered cunnilingus. When she got home all her friends asked her how it went, and she told them in great detail. Whereupon, after a horrified silence, one of the fine ladies asked, "What do you call a man who does that?" And our heroine replied with a sigh, "I don't know about y'all, but ah called him "Darling!"

          2. tessiee

            [Foghorn Leghorn's voice/accent]

            "Missy Boo, my tongue's about to slap a hole in the roof of my mouth! Now start, Ah say, start shakin' them sheets, because when Ah get them li'l panties off, it's gonna sound like a toothless tomato-eatin' contest! Ah mean, Ah'm gonna be all up in there like Sherman through Georgia! (Pay attention when I'm talkin' to ya!)"

          3. tessiee

            "Reminds me of a joke about a Southern belle who went to NY and discovered cunnilingus"

            Oh! *went to NY*!

            Cousin Vinny: Hey, Scarlett or whoevuh! Your tits look good in dat dress dere!
            Southern Belle: Why, SIR! I do declare, you're giving me the vapors!
            Cousin Vinny: Whaddayamean, the vapors? Does'at mean a case'a the farts? Let me know whenevuh you're done, cause I wanna eat your pussy like it was pastafazool'. I like a little clams on my linguini, know what I mean? [elbow nudge] Hanh? Fa-hawkin AY!! [gropes crotch]

    1. bikerlaureate

      We're getting closer to some cosmically ludicrous level of wingnut projection that will defy even their most determined efforts to accept. So I believe, as I keep clapping nice and loud.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        Well, those conservative homosexuals are stuck in (hehe) the glory/gory days of Reagan.

        1. MittBorg

          It's funny, all us Oldz fagz really hate the Raygunz and Republicans/conservatives in general. It's a wonder to us that the Yoof of Today would even consider "gay Republican" as anything but the most moronic of oxymorons.

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            I was born in 1975 and still remember more than I'd like to about the tricklin' down years of Reagan.

          2. bikerlaureate

            Wait. Hold up a minute.

            You just come right out and admit it, huh? You're one of them? And you're not ashamed to just come out and say it, boom, like it's no big deal?
            What the hell am I doing here? My mom raised me better than this. I really don't know if I should be hanging around places like this. It's sadly obvious you're a total reprobate, no surprise there.
            But an Oldz?

            That's just gross.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        You use an odd number of pillows to avoid a symmetrical appearance to keep things interesting.

    1. PsycWench

      I get the impression he's more of a catcher than a pitcher. Or whatever the cool gay term is.

          1. C_R_Trogloraptor

            You're…you're not?

            Well what am I going to do with this new chest freezer full of…

            Whoops! No, nothing, nevermind. Heh, heh, heh! My, it's hot out!
            *nervously loosens collar*

          2. MittBorg

            *Chest* freezer? Hey, that's the best part! Baby back … no?

            I mean, isn't this the kind of thing discussed in *quiet rooms,* CRE? In fact, here's a door. Let's nip behind it. (Slams door behind CRE, checks for mikes)

          3. C_R_Trogloraptor

            *whispers urgently*
            "Listen, we don't have much time. I don't think they followed me here… but they're getting close… just a matter of time 'till they find me."

            *reaches out, grabs collar, raises voice*
            "You tell everybody. Listen to me, Mittborg. You've gotta tell them!"

            "Chick-Fil-A … is People!"

          4. MittBorg

            (Pats the obviously upset CRT's back) Dude, I don't know how else to tell you this, but … we KNEW that. We supply Chik-fil-A with, um, you know, the parts. Just don't tell anyone else. (kicks wannabe Charlton Heston out of camera range)

          1. MittBorg

            I had a friend who tired of people asking her if she was pregnant, and would reply, with a perfectly straight face, "Just carrying it for a friend."

          2. glasspusher

            Awesome. My sister was the first woman I felt comfortable asking “How are you feeling?” when she was pregnant. She would always say “I'm tired of people asking me how I'm feeling!”

    1. Low_Budget_Dave

      "It's way excessive. Because, like, I was going to give him money, just not that much."

    2. bikerlaureate

      Isn't that basically an admission of fault? Cp. "The judge handed down a sentence that is totally unreasonable" ??

          1. MittBorg

            Apocryphal, of course, but I believe it was Churchill who, when admonished about breaking that very rule, replied with the exact same sentence, but added, "you bastard" at the end.

      1. MittBorg

        He actually *is* a graduate of one a them Bible-bashing law schools, I forget which one, though. Raised quite a stink that he even got hired in the first place.

        1. viennawoods13

          No, really, Ave Maria. Founded by Domino's guy. (your degree in 30 minutes or less!) Among the professors- Robert Bork. Curriculum developer- Antonin Scalia. First annual Ave Maria lecture- Clarence Thomas.

          1. Chichikovovich

            That's the one. The "University" and "Law school" were originally in Ann Arbor for the first 8 years or so. Cardboard Pizza Mogul Monahan wanted to build a big new campus in Ann Arbor complete with 25 story crucifix but he couldn't get the zoning variances he wanted, so he packed up and moved the whole operation to Florida.

            It was a bucket of cold water for the law school faculty (I knew some people who are friends with some of them). They were the most distinguished wingnut Catholics that could be rustled up – Monahan recruited them with the sales pitch that they would be part of a great revival of Catholic legal scholarship and practice – Ave Maria would be a great institution, blah blah.

            These people (at least the ones I had mutual friend links to) had had desirable tenured law school professorships at other attractive places. Giving those up to move to a start-up law school venture involved a significant leap of faith (if I may put it that way) even for people who already had a lot of practice believing preposterous things told to them by figures claiming absolute authority. And, of course, a substantial part of the attraction was its Ann Arbor location, close to the University of Michigan. There would already be an existing scholarly community in Ann Arbor, a world class library and law library, lecture series' by distinguished visitors, etc. That would compensate significantly for the absence of those things at Ave Maria.

            But they didn't realize (though they should have) that in Monahan's eyes, a university should be run like a pizza shop, and professors are like pizza delivery drivers. So it came as a shock to be told that after leaving their jobs and burning their boats, that the new institution they had joined was going to be packed up lock, stock and chalk, and shipped to a planned Catholic community that Monahan had bankrolled in the Florida swamp. [OK, I don't know for a fact that the isolated development was actually, literally on swampland. Work with me people.]

            (The Florida real estate crash put some of those plans on hold, and the law school ended up in most likely temporary digs in Naples, Fla. But not before the head of the development made news by announcing that in their good Catholic homestead, gays would not be welcome. After a hastily called consultation with lawyers, he said that of course no one would be refused the right to live in the community on religious or other grounds…. but that he would be surprised if it was the sort of environment that gays would choose. Hard to disagree with him on that one.)

            Naturally, the faculty (or the students, who were similarly uprooted) had had precisely 0% input into the decision.

  6. coolhandnuke

    It's a tough call on what is shrinking and shriveling quicker–Shirvell's bank account or his testicles.

  7. ProgressiveInga

    Andrew Shirvell has just been signed as the next spokesperson for Chik-Fil-A.

    True story.

  8. marconidarwin

    This is outrageous.

    The appropriate punishment prescribed by Leviticus is for Chris Armstrong to gay-marry Shirvell.

    And pay Shirvell's dad 15 shekels. Inflation adjusted, of course.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        It was supposed to; just think of all the $$$ you'd be pulling out of those brimstone mines!

      2. tessiee

        God thought it would be a cakewalk, and he'd be greeted as a liberator, with all the damned souls throwing rose petals at him and such.

      1. Boojum

        "@Kinareth All I wanted to do was promote my appearance on AC360 and I am being pounded from every angle"

        Is this a parody Twitter account?

      2. viennawoods13

        If that is really him, good lord. He is stupider/ less self-aware than I thought possible.

      3. emmelemm

        That CANNOT really be him.

        (And yet, if it was a satire account, it would probably say so somewhere in the profile/description thingy, or it would have been long ago shut down by Twitter.)

        1. glasspusher

          "Slicing the icicle","Stapling the Snake","Murdering Mr. Jesus","going cave diving with Uncle Stinky"

        2. MittBorg

          I just can't see even Andy Shrivell, as nuts as he is, pulling the pud for Jeebus in full court. But thanks for rooting (heh) that impression *deeply* in my head.

          1. bikerlaureate

            There you are.
            In A^2 now, right?
            If there's ever an opportunity, I hope you get to tell Mr. Armstrong F2F how impressed we faceless liberal weasels are that he kept such superhuman class and dignity under pressure.

  9. OneYieldRegular

    There is a certain logic to Shirvell's argument, in that every Christian who pathologically stalks and harasses people with whom they disagree should be scared by the power of the law that protects people from being pathologically stalked and harassed by people who disagree with them.

    1. GemlikeFlame

      Especially if the stalker is an obvious closet case. Like this one. That shirt is a dead giveaway.

  10. PsycWench

    After reading some of the descriptions of the harassment, I'm floored that he can stand there and claim his actions are protected by the First Amendment. He would find out which parties Armstrong was attending and sneak in? Sometimes call the police? But that's OK because free speech????
    "Every conservative Christian in the nation should be scared from this. " Yeah, scared that you've become the representative conservation Christian in the public's mind. I see atheism on the rise.

    1. HarryButtle

      "I see atheism on the rise."

      Amen, sister! Wait, no…

      From your lips to God's…um…Nevermind.

    2. bikerlaureate

      That was merely "object[ing] to their lifestyle".
      Stop pretending it's excessive or unreasonable or motivated by anything other than bedrock conviction.
      Obviously Armstrong et al. were resisting that inner holy spirit conviction about The Truth, and a principled man's response, out of purely altruistic concern for their immortal souls, had to be escalated acc-

      Waaaah HAH hah hah hah hah haaaah!

      Dammit, I almost made it all the way through.
      Hee hee heeeee.

          1. MittBorg

            ZOMG. I came for the wit, I stayed for theGROSS! I am not fucking eating ANY fucking thing that's been in your pants.

            Oh, wait. OTOH … never mind. (leaves quickly)

    3. bikerlaureate

      The whole case is about politics.

      Ponder that for a sec, in light of Shirvell's actions.
      Attempting to physically intimidate, defame, slander… repeatedly trying to ruin the reputation of a student…
      That's politics.

      If a Christian who's thoroughly neurotic due to his sexual repression (or whatever) shadows a young adult, online and off, as much as he can…
      Just politics. That's how the game is played. Simple power-grab mechanics.

      But using the word "chains," in the sentence immediately following one in which you quote someone using the word "unchain", is completely beyond the pale.

  11. MittBorg

    He imagines, as he mounts his wife, Jesus' buttocks taut and gleaming with sweat, lubricating his long, slow upward glide as his nipples … uh, BRB.

      1. MittBorg

        EQ himself assures me that Shirley ain't married. I guess he's got one a-dem Japanese pillows? (trots off, whistling "Turning Japanese")

  12. ManchuCandidate

    Looks like Andy is a blue man today and will have to suck it up.

    Seriously Andy, you wouldn't have blued yourself if you hadn't prematurely shot your wad on what was supposed to be a dry run.

    Looks like it will be lots of Analrapey for Andy Poo.

    1. MittBorg

      Uh … RLY? (finds Lionel's address, packs bag) I'll be right there.

      Oh wait, what about being found outside a *straight* man's house, and et cetera?

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I have heard a constant rumor that Paul Ryan is going to demand that Mitt Romney step down as the Republican Candidate so that Paul and his gay lover Andrew Shirvell can rule together.

    I will note that this is better sourced than any of the Biden or Secret Service Cupcake rumors.

    1. PsycWench

      Your rumor actually has a (screen) name and an avatar attached to it, so way better than Secret Service Cupcake.

    2. tessiee

      "I will note that this is better sourced than any of the Biden or Secret Service Cupcake rumors."

      But a damn sight harder to masturbate to.

      1. tessiee

        Really, even in this age of modern medicine and increased life expectancies, the herd has a way of thinning itself out.

    1. HarryButtle

      ZING!

      Funny, Cheerios are heart-healthy…if the douchebag had eaten them instead of setting them on fire, he might be alive today.

      1. finallyhappy

        but if you are crazy enough to do this stupid shit- a permanent lipitor drip wouldn't help

  14. Goonemeritus

    I just watched the Anderson Cooper piece, and I don’t claim to be an expert in these matters but speaking as a layman I feel strongly that Andrew Shirvell is a huge douche-nozzle.

  15. Typodong3

    Im starting to be concerned that Baby Jeebus is popping up in all of these wonkette articles. Coincidence? I think not! Its the radical homosexual kenyan anti-colonial fascist-communist-socialist-marxist crucifixion lobby, I tell you!

  16. Tequila Mockingbird

    Which building has the Radical Homosexual Lobby and what time are we meeting? And are there restrooms and a place to get coffee on the same floor?

    1. zippy_w_pinhead

      There is indeed the Larry Craig Memorial Restroom on the ground floor and fresh coffee. It's Star Bucks, as they seem to have a certain affection for teh gheys. Btw, don't forget, the entrance is in the rear…

        1. eggsacklywright

          Can't figure it. The best ones are quite good but expensive as hell. If you like high-acid sauvignon blancs, New Zealand is the way to go for half the price.

  17. ElPinche

    $4.5 million for the attention of a gay man? Could have saved some money if he just got a Grinder account.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Now El, Grindr is so last month. The fashionable stalkerazzi gheys are all using Scruff these days.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      I think in his dreams it's the radical homosexual basement/dungeon more than the lobby, though he might have an agoraphilia thing going on.

  18. azeyote

    what a man. he doesn't girly out and say he – she is innocent oh no , he – she just thinks the fine is a bit extreme. thats the christian way i guess. kinda like how the pope does things with the he – she bishops of his.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Hell, he probably not only admitted to all the charges, he probably proudly soapboxed them as the correct and lawful and Christian thing to do, ad nauseam. I would not have enjoyed being the judge on this case.

      The $4.5 mil judgement indicates one seriously annoyed judge. For harassment? If he'd played nice and said he was misguided or was driven by his emotional problems, he'd probably have gotten a slap on the wrist and a 5 year restraining order.

      1. MittBorg

        I think the kind of harassment to which he subjected his victim went way above and beyond the bounds of common derangement, and the judge took that into account. It's one thing to call someone a dozen times a day or send flowers to their house. It's quite another to be camped in the trees outside their front door at all hours of day and night taking photos of their guests and friends. Srsly this is like competition stalking.

      2. Boojum

        Jury verdict, not judge. And, because of the nature of the conduct, it is probably not dischargeable in bankruptcy, so it will follow him forever and a day.

  19. Nostrildamus

    It's useless analyzing his statements logically. Shirvell's just trolling for wingnut $ here. Given his adenoidal affect, I wouldn't expect much traction.

  20. Chichikovovich

    I would just like to point out that Shirvell was every bit as much of an obviously lunatic gay-hating, out-of-control harrasser when he was hired and retained as Assistant AG under Mike Cox as he is now. And most of what this judgement was based on was common knowledge during a time that Cox was still trying to find a way to keep Shirvell in the AG's office, until the political embarrassment became just too great.

    It should not be forgotten that Shirvell is not just an isolated kook. Being the way he is got him hired as an assistant AG. Cox saw this guy and said "That's the kind of guy I'm looking for". Shirvell's only flaw from Cox's point of view was that unlike most of these haters, Shirvell didn't realize that some things are irremediably bad p.r.

    1. bikerlaureate

      You find it improbable that Shirvell hit his head on, I don't know, the underside of a desk or table… while, uh, retrieving a dropped pen… or something… and then a drastic personality change resulted…
      Er…

    2. tessiee

      "Shirvell was every bit as much of an obviously lunatic gay-hating, out-of-control harrasser when he was hired and retained as Assistant AG
      under Mike Cox"

      Well, that explains a lot.
      With a name like MIke Cox, it's almost like it was fated to happen.

  21. rickmaci

    What part of federal court "jury of his peers" found you liable does this blowhole who claims to have gone to law school not understand? This was not the gubbermint telling him to shove it. This was a group of impartial Michigan citizens who listened to both sides and concluded this guy is a very bad boy and needs to be punished (sorry couldn't resist).

  22. IonaTrailer

    "This is the radical homosexual lobby…."
    Well, at least it's done fabulously.
    (Apologies to Doktor Zoom, who beat me to it…)

  23. HateMachine

    You know, it generally bothers me when someone says that a person acting in an objectionable manner "needs a good hot dicking." (for starters, why would you give away perfectly good dickings to those who don't want it?)

    But holy fuck, Andrew Shirvell needs your help, gay dudes.

    1. bikerlaureate

      This is so far beyond "taking one for the team" that it's impossible to blame every single ghey d00d on earth and in orbit for passing on this mercy mission.

    1. rickmaci

      Michigan girl libel!! I loved me a Michigan coed once. She had the figure and all American mid-western blond good looks of a Michigan cheerleader and the brains of…well, like I said, she had the body of a cheerleader.

      1. RadioBowels

        It took me eight years, but I graduated Phi Beta GOD DAMN Kappa from that school.
        N.B., I have been with the same Buckeye Beauty for the last 29 years.

    1. IonaTrailer

      "I sense a lot of anger in your voice" Anderson…..

      "Satan's representative on the student counsel"????? hahahahahahahah!

      1. finallyhappy

        I think I'll add that to my crocheted uterus tomorrow for the rally at the Capitol. I always have poster board ready to make a sign

        1. MittBorg

          How fucking cool are you, man! Shake that sign at 'em for me. I love it. Rly, you're going? It's the War on Women rally, right? Let me know if y'all take pix. With you in spirit.

  24. MinAgain

    "How Jesus was beaten and abused, his taut body stripped naked and left hanging on the cross…"

    See, this is why I prefer my church crosses plain. There's just something a little pervy about a crucifix.

  25. Dashboard Buddha

    Hey gang. Well, I just finished my first three weeks of training. I guess I am now a certified "Collection Counselor". I've been way too tired to do much of anything online so just pretend I wrote a gut bustingly hi-larious joke about this douchenozelle…hell, pretend I used the word "shrivell" to mock his name and tiny penis at the same time.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Greetings, counselor. I'm sure we'll be speaking on the phone, soon.

      (JK, I'm almost absurdly debt-free. Tightwad by nature, really.)

  26. zippy_w_pinhead

    Now I'm not saying 'ol Andy is a closeted stalker with a penchant for young men. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that his favorite album to play while he followed Chris around town and peered in his bedroom window is Captain Faptastic and the Brown Dirt Schoolboy

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Bernie Taupin Libel!

      (And also that guy who played piano, whatshisname, used to have red hair, goldfish in his shoes…)

  27. mavenmaven

    Don't worry, Andrew, there are some powerful rich old folks who will be happy to help you, for a price…

  28. chicken_thief

    if the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" guys are still around, they may want to help out one of their own – Andie is in desperate need of a make over.

  29. ElPinche

    Wanna bet Andrew Shirvell has Chris Armstrong's name tattooed on his anus? I hear it's the new thing these days.

      1. ElPinche

        That was a really really really hypothetical question. I'd rather shove razors in my eyes than see that mutherfuckin nightmare.

  30. comrad_darkness

    Shorter Shirvell: Everybody, everybody! I am the victim here! (as assured by his wing nut status, of course)

  31. docterry6973

    The video is even more proof of what we all know to be true: Mr. Shirvell has absolutely no gay impulses whatsoever and is motivated solely by his desire to protect the American people from the homosexual gay erotic phallic butt-bumping non-stop sexathon lifestyle that is at once repellent and yet strangely fascinating to certain people but not him.

  32. Warpde

    Pretty sure that "Shirvell's Schlong Shriveled" after the ruling.
    Ha! Ha!…….
    Try saying that one 5 times fast you drunken bastards.

  33. Calapine

    Hmm, isn't 4.5 million a bit harsh? How is ever supposed to pay that?

    Seems a restraining order and community service (or somesuch) would better.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      The 4.5 million is a measure of the depth of this guy's stupidity, or obstinance, or untreated pathology, or whatever– this is a guy who just Wouldn't Take a Hint, even after multiple warnings from his boss, losing his job, national exposure as a stalker… His target offered to drop the suit if Shirvell would simply apologize. He'll never pay up, but as a symbolic slap upside the head, I approve.

    2. MittBorg

      He already HAD a restraining order out on him, which he violated at least once IIRC. If you have ever worked in DV situations, then you will realize that this guy Andrew Shirvell is following the classic stalker/murderer pattern. There is no community service that could have helped him while benefiting his target, the gay community. I would be happy if he could be mandated into treatment, but AFAIK you can't force people into treatment merely for hating and wanting to kill other people. You have to wait till they have *actually* killed or injured someone else first.

      1. Calapine

        Hope it didn't come across the wrong way: I have no intentions of defending the guy. And yes, from what you say he seems very…psycho.

        What confused me is the high dollar amount, but suppose it's just cultural difference(?). Just googled some recent cases from Germany and what I found was:

        Ex-husband stalking wife (divorce 10yrs ago), demolishing the car of new bf: 1200 € fine
        55yr old ex-bf stalking 37yr gf over period of 1 year: 600 € fine.

        1. MittBorg

          Oh, don't worry, I'm pretty good about telling people all friendly-like when they cross one of my many lines. I guess Europe sees less domestic violence, or something, but generally when a person is willing to escalate stalking behaviour to the point where THEIR OWN livelihood, identity, family, friendships, etc., are threatened, the chances are VERY HIGH that it will escalate into physical abuse and, most likely, murder. At least that was my personal experience when I worked in the field years ago. I haven't kept up with the latest information, but I'm fairly sure that in this particular case the harassment was so egregious that the judge felt it deserved a brutal smackdown. I'm sure the judge increased the dollar amount for at least two reasons: The defendant is himself a lawyer and should have known that his behaviour crossed the line; and the defendant worked for the department that defined and prosecuted the exact same behaviour in which the defendant indulged. There is no way he could NOT have known that his acts violated a law that it was his job to enforce.

          1. Calapine

            Thanks for the little lecture! :)

            Last question: Do you know what happens if he can't pay the 4.5m$? Will it be taken out of his paycheck until kingdom come, just dropped or is there a replacement jail sentence?

            Actually it's rather sad. That guy (Shrivell) pretty much fucked up his own career and live and has the potential to cause more harm to others. Oh well.

          2. MittBorg

            Oh, geez, I did get carried away, didn't I?

            See, he could have avoided all this bullshit if he'd just been willing to apologize. But NO. He had to big-dick himself to death. What an idiot.

            Legally, at this point he can appeal, but on what grounds? He'd have to find some legal theory to support his rather outrageous arguments and behaviour. As a matter of practical fact, if he is unemployed, there is no point in enforcing the judgment. He cannot be jailed in any event since this is a civil suit. I'm sure the many fine legal minds of the Wonketz can give you a better-informed opinion. Although they're more likely to charge for it. But then again, you get what you pay for.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I keep testing my hypotheses on this subject. Testing and testing and testing and testing …

  34. tessiee

    A football Saturday in Ann Arbor, and if you want to go anywhere, you'd better plan to go on foot, because the traffic was pretty much at a standstill. If U-M had had more gay sex and less football, I might have been able to actually get out of my own driveway, back in the day.

    1. Chichikovovich

      "U-M had had more gay sex and less football"

      Untenable distinction. Football is gay sex, just with padding and expressed not through physical intimacy but rather through the medium of dance.

      [P.S. - Were you a Michigan undergrad or grad student? Was that what got you to AA?]

      1. tessiee

        I agree that football is gay sex. However, gay sex is gay sex that doesn't make it impossible to drive anywhere.

        I was neither a Michigan undergrad nor grad student. I'm a proud graduate of Ed & Larry University. My then boyfriend, later husband, now ex-husband was an undergrad, so I moved to Ann Arbor to shack up with him, and got a job working for U-M (I also worked at Drake's, if you remember them).

  35. tessiee

    When you're looking for a savior with rock-hard, six-pack abs, Jesus is really the only way to go.
    Not like *some* deities I could name.
    *cough*Buddha*cough*

    1. Chichikovovich

      Listen, Buddha was a helluva ballplayer when he was in high school. But then he tore up his knee and it was hard to exercise. Cut him some slack.

  36. Negropolis

    Revenge is a dish best served in money bag after money bag after money bag. Eat it, Shrivel, and good on you, Armstrong. It's bad enough folks are bullied in high school, let alone after that. Let this be a warning.

    That said: Muck Fishigan Up, as we say over here in Spartan county.

  37. miss_grundy

    So this Michigan asshat decides to stalk, harass and bother some college kid whose gay and it is supposed to be an anti-Christian conspiracy? No, it's this clown using his political office to be a gigantic jerk. When are Christians going to learn to tolerate gays???? So, you don't want to accept people, then be a little old-fashioned and fracking TOLERATE. Just leave people alone.

  38. Negropolis

    Wonkettee, please appropriately file this under:

    "He does come to your job to knock the dicks out of your mouth."

  39. ibwilliamsi

    I'm just thinking how sad it might be that this guy has never actually had sex with someone he's attracted to – like a MAN.

  40. tessiee

    "Shirvell was every bit as much of an obviously lunatic gay-hating, out-of-control harrasser when he was hired and retained as Assistant AG under Mike Cox as he is now."

    So, it was either the Cox-Shirvell administration, or the Shirvell-Cox administration.
    Either way, it was not going to result in a happy ending.

    1. Chichikovovich

      What eggsackly said. Maybe you aren't getting the recognition now, but some future PhD in Wonkette Studies will be written on this comment alone.

  41. Isyaignert

    Check out the video on the "Lispy" link in the first line of the article at 10:04 – Anderson Cooper does an involuntary eye roll blink thing that is worthy of a Scooby Doo "whernketd" moment. I "heart" you Wonkette and Wonketeers. 'nite!

  42. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Every conservative Christian in the nation should know that they are going to come after you if you object to their lifestyle, that they are going to crucify you in the public arena.”

    You say that like it's a bad thing.

  43. DahBoner

    How Jesus was beaten and abused, his taut body stripped naked and left hanging on the cross…

    The Scorecard:

    Roman Empire 1

    Jesus 0

  44. usuhname

    What would JC do people? Presumably say:
    - Get a life, you bile-brimmed hicks
    - Get out of the closet… and grow a pair.
    - Learn to read (the bible)

Comments are closed.