investigative political reporting

‘Fox & Friends’ Investigates the ‘Lesbian Cabal’ Running DHS

Pretty light day on Fox News’ illiterate dementia variety hour, Fox & Friends; the muppet crew, plus Geraldo, only entertained questions about one federal department being run by a “lesbian cabal.” Let’s up the game a bit for Monday, Fox & Friends?

Raw Story provides the background so we don’t have to:

According to Gretchen Carlson, James Hayes, an official with the New York’s Department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is suing Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano alleging that he was passed over for a promotion because he is a man. Suzanne Barr, chief of staff for ICE Director John Morton, has voluntarily stepped down as a result of charges made against her by Hayes, who claims that Barr “created a frat house-type atmosphere that is targeted to humiliate and intimidate male employees” within her department.

So Geraldo immediately asks, “Is the subtext of the Department of Homeland Security scandal that there is some kind of lesbian cabal? That there is some kind of same sex takeover of this agency?” We’d like to give credit to Geraldo for calling them out on this, since “ha ha look at all the people we assume to be lesbians being lesbians” is precisely the subtext that’s driving the story in hilarious wingnut blog posts, but Geraldo doesn’t appear to be calling them out so much as laughing along with the joke.

“What do you think?” professional television host Steve Doocy responds. Geraldo adds, “It just seems like everyone is talking around it. Is that really what people are saying? That men are disadvantaged and that women, specifically lesbians, are ruling the roost there?”

Which gives way to professional television host Brian Kilmeade performing his world-famous routine of taking offensive stuff seriously:

Brian Kilmeade answered that “we don’t know for sure” if there is a lesbian cabal at the helm of DHS, but “it’s easy to come to that conclusion that there is a different type of glass ceiling separating the Homeland Security Department in this case.”

[Raw Story, Mediaite, video via TPM]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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183 comments

    1. yellojkt

      Don't know about being a lesbian, but according to his former father-in-law Kurt Vonnegut, Geraldo is definitely a douche.

  1. Preferred Customer

    “created a frat house-type atmosphere that is targeted to humiliate and intimidate male employees”

    I know those words, but that sentence doesn't make any sense.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          The only humiliation I ever had in a sorority house was when I finished the bottle and had to drink the worm.

          1. not that Dewey

            The only humiliation I ever had in a sorority house was when my band played a pledge dance and I hit a sour note in a Replacements' song.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You just don't understand how it feels to be judged by your body and not your mind. It is so hard to be a man now days with women constantly leering at you. I don't know why they even came out of the kitchen if this is how they are going to treat men.

    2. Typodong3

      Yes well there's a RICH history of women's fraternities humiliating and intimidating (not to mention sexually abusing) college age males. It was only a matter of time before they moved up to the DHS.

    1. Preferred Customer

      Hey, have you heard all the people saying I won the lottery? I'm not saying I won–I'm just asking the question.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      You mean, like Steve Doocy running a black tar heroin operation out of the FOX News offices? I heard it's on the Internet, so must be true.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Of course, just like any stupid Hollywood slasher, any promiscuous action is immediately and harshly punished by the killer. Message is always teen sex = DEATH.

      1. C_R_Eature

        And a Midland's wire dog crate in the back with a winning Show rosette hanging on the door.

  2. ChernobylSoup

    Geraldo will broadcast live as he breaks through the rainbow colored glass ceiling at DHS. What will he find?

    1. Typodong3

      But first he needs to get on his knees and draw a detailed plan of the Lesbian Cabals troop movements in the dirt.

  3. metamarcisf

    The glass ceiling that Kilmeade should be worrying about is the one separating his frontal lobe from the rest of his brain.

  4. Oblios_Cap

    I'll take one for the team. I'll volunteer to work with the lesbian who wants a little c*ck in the back of her throat.

  5. SorosBot

    So the all-powerful lesbian cabal is moving beyond its traditional control of women's basketball and tennis; soon they may control the world!

  6. Local_Mojo

    So, he is "The Gay Cabellero"?

    1940 – Cisco Kid. Nailed it.

    "In a case of mistaken identity, the Cisco Kid and his sidekick Gordito arrive in town only to learn that Cisco has been declared dead. Even worse than that, before he died, Cisco was accused of having tried to steal Susan Wetherby's land. Cisco must prove both his identity and his innocence."

  7. OneYieldRegular

    Wait, noted intellectual heavyweight Brian Kilmeade, whom even Gretchen Carlson dismissed as being a patronizing, paternalistic chauvinist is now concerned that men might be at an unfair disadvantage instead of being at their usual unfair advantage? How shocking is this!

    1. tessiee

      Looking at this picture, I can only conclude that Geraldo has been a douche at least since 1970.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Thank you! We promise to be benign and generous rulers as long as you are nice to animals and promise to recycle.

      1. SorosBot

        I'll be nice; why I've even been rewatching Xena and listening to the Indigo Girls in preparation.

  8. MacRaith

    What the hell? Everybody knows it's Interior that's run by a lesbian cabal, not Homeland Security. Can't these guys get even the basic facts straight?

  9. elviouslyqueer

    I'm sorry, but I can't even snark about this. Fuck these homophobic pea-brained Neanderthals with a white-hot poker shoved right up their puckered assholes. And yes, that includes you, Gretchen.

    1. ChernobylSoup

      We should do away with the term homophobia altogether. They're not scared… they're hateful bigots.

      /paraphrased from somewhere; can't remember.

      1. bikerlaureate

        Which is worse – actual hateful bigots, or those who portray them for fame and $$$$ ?

        (Asking a purely hypothetical question here, of course. For a friend.)

  10. Kid_Charlemagne

    Next up: Geraldo opens Janet Reno's secret sapphic love vault deep below the cellars of the Justice Department.

  11. ph7

    Brian Kilmeade answered that “we don’t know for sure” if there is a lesbian cabal at the helm of DHS, but “it’s easy to come to that conclusion that there is a different type of glass ceiling separating the Homeland Security Department in this case.”

    In fact, Brian comes to conclusion just thinking about the lesbian cabal.

  12. MoeDeLawn

    I'm thinking Geraldo is due for the application of another chair to his face; and, as long as the other three are sitting right there, maybe a dose for them, too.

  13. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This is part of a worldwide lesbian plan to control the world. Oh no, I've said too much.

  14. Fukui-sanYesOta

    I don't know for sure whether Steve Doocey does shots of fetus stem cells which have been poured over Gretchen Carlson's "outtie" belly button, but people are talking about it.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      You're like the 5th person today who has mentioned that. Is there a video around of that? I saw a really fuzzy cell phone video, but I mean a good one.

  15. StealthMuslin

    I don't know if Brian Kilmeade has a skull full of flesh-eating bacteria and a recessive cock but it's easy to come to that conclusion.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Is the subtext of the Fox News on-air talent scandal that there is some kind of narcissistic cabal? That there has been some kind of utterly amoral Koch-gobbling takeover of this organization?

      (I just read it on my computer screen, which is currently connected to the internet, so it might be true.
      Man, I'd really hate to be the one trying to explain the big words like "true" to these preening xenophobes.)

    2. NYNYNYjr

      Everyone's talking about forming a mob and catching Kilmeade on September 1st and taking him to the bathroom to give him swirlys. It sounds crazy, but it's literally everywhere. It's like a new holiday or something.

  16. Mittens Howell, III

    Geraldo grew a moustache so he could perform cunnilingus on his own face, making him a one-man lesbian cabal.

  17. coolhandnuke

    “Let’s just settle it, once and for all, all of this speculation…is Pussy Galore running the Department of Homeland Security?"
    –Geraldo

  18. owhatever

    More high caliber journalism from Fox. It may not be true, but just suppose that it is, how awful that is and it has to be stopped right away before middle-school girls all start lesbianing as preparation for jobs in Obama's New World Order.

  19. Billmatic

    What terrible alternate hell dimension have we slipped into where Geraldo is excluded from being called a muppet?

    1. tessiee

      Muppets had the decency to boycott Chick-Fil-Homophobe, which puts them way out of Geraldo's league.

  20. CheeseBro69

    “created a frat house-type atmosphere that is targeted to humiliate and intimidate male employees”

    How does a sane person go about responding to such nonsense?

  21. JustPixelz

    Brian Kilmeade answered that “we don’t know for sure” if there is a lesbian cabal at the helm of DHS

    Hey this is a fun game. Here are some other things we don't know.

    We don't know how many of the Fox blondes had to blow Roger Ailes. And I include Steve Doocey in that unknown.

    We don't know how many ways Sarah Palin™ is stupid.

    We don't know which millionaire and billionaires and trillionaires Mitt Romney thinks pay too much in taxes.

    ("All of them Katie" is correct answer for each)

    1. Living in Joy

      "We don't know how many of the Fox blondes had to blow Roger Ailes. And I include Steve Doocey in that unknown." Now that almost made me spit my lunch out! Bravo!

  22. Billmatic

    Gotta point out the hilarious discrepancy between Debbie Schussel's glamour shots blog picture and how she actually looks.

  23. Sister_Ray

    Just like I'm…uuuhhh investigating the multitude of lesbian cabals that have commandeered all these porn websites

  24. C_R_Eature

    I've said it before ("Wonkville") and I'll say it again:
    You know, even if I had as much money as Murdoch, I wouldn't waste a dime of it on these morons.

  25. rickmaci

    Women get the better job and get promoted and the white male stupidocracy can explain it only by conjuring up a lesbian conspiracy, couldn't possibly be because the women are better at the job.

  26. Living in Joy

    Well they sure as hell can't talk about Mitt Romney, the Romney Tag(g) team and military service, Ann Romney, Ralfalca, tax returns, Mass governorship, Medicare, Ann's designer clothes, Mitt's mom jeans, in vitro fertlization for the Romney boys (what's up with that anyway, 3 sons needed in-vitro?) so that leaves the imminent Biden tossed aside for Hillary speculation, the lesbian takeover of DHS (and I'm sure Hillary will be implicated there as well) and Paul Ryan's abs which I expect to be rolling out anytime now to deflect attention from those fucking tax returns. Pickin's are slim at Fox and Friends!

    1. tessiee

      "in vitro fertlization for the Romney boys (what's up with that anyway, 3 sons needed in-vitro?)"

      No surprise that those two tight-asses produced three grown sons who couldn't accomplish fucking.

    1. ph7

      The mythical dental dam – always discussed in health classes, never actually appearing in real life.

    1. ph7

      "Dolly Madison and Martha Washington modestly cover themselves in the American Flag and weep while averting their eyes from Obama's heathens scissoring on top of the Constitution"

  27. HistoriCat

    It's Friday. Let's face it – none of us are going to bust our asses on Friday if we don't have to. You just put in your time and dream of the end of that day. I'm sure working for Fox just amplifies that feeling. No doubt they will be back to normal on Monday.

  28. Baba_NinjaCat12

    Let's compare a News Channel A with Fox News.

    News Channel A: Study prove women are likely earn less than their male counterpart and can face work-place inequality.

    Fox News: Whaaaaaaa!!!! There's a Lesbo run a muck at DHS and has created inequality over males because it couldn't brake the rainbow glass ceiling. :( >:( >:{}

  29. tessiee

    "“What do you think?” professional television host Steve Doocy responds. Geraldo adds, “It just seems like everyone is talking around it. Is that really what people are saying? That men are disadvantaged and that women, specifically lesbians, are ruling the roost there?”"

    Well, looking at the way the blacks took over after Obama was elected, the homos taking over is only the next logical step, right?

  30. whatupirondog

    I'd like to be angry about how far our media has fallen etc, etc.., but I'm just so damn glad those gorilla brothers were reunited.

  31. bibliotequetress

    "Reporting from the eighth floor men's room at Fox Headquarters, we have breaking news written in Sharpie above the middle urinal."

  32. thejazzmonger

    So Geraldo and the rest of the Foxy bunch are trying to imply that agency heads who are interested in women, sexually, will automatically discriminate against male employees.

    Does that mean that, to be fair to men, all male agency heads need to be gay?

  33. ttommyunger

    Napolitano's spokesman reported that speed is of the essence in disproving this calumny and that they are moving "Lickety-Split" to do so.

  34. mosjef

    I thought it was a lesbian cable. I was going to have to start hassling Comcast about it for information gathering purposes of course. Fox and Friends is a Jackass Cabal.

  35. horsedreamer_1

    Geraldo was just getting wistful about how much more money he could have made if he had stayed in daytime talk instead of going to CNBC, then FOX. He could have actually done shows on lesbian cabals & out-Jerry'd! Springer.

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