investigative political reporting

‘Fox & Friends’ Investigates the ‘Lesbian Cabal’ Running DHS

Pretty light day on Fox News’ illiterate dementia variety hour, Fox & Friends; the muppet crew, plus Geraldo, only entertained questions about one federal department being run by a “lesbian cabal.” Let’s up the game a bit for Monday, Fox & Friends?

Raw Story provides the background so we don’t have to:

According to Gretchen Carlson, James Hayes, an official with the New York’s Department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is suing Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano alleging that he was passed over for a promotion because he is a man. Suzanne Barr, chief of staff for ICE Director John Morton, has voluntarily stepped down as a result of charges made against her by Hayes, who claims that Barr “created a frat house-type atmosphere that is targeted to humiliate and intimidate male employees” within her department.

So Geraldo immediately asks, “Is the subtext of the Department of Homeland Security scandal that there is some kind of lesbian cabal? That there is some kind of same sex takeover of this agency?” We’d like to give credit to Geraldo for calling them out on this, since “ha ha look at all the people we assume to be lesbians being lesbians” is precisely the subtext that’s driving the story in hilarious wingnut blog posts, but Geraldo doesn’t appear to be calling them out so much as laughing along with the joke.

“What do you think?” professional television host Steve Doocy responds. Geraldo adds, “It just seems like everyone is talking around it. Is that really what people are saying? That men are disadvantaged and that women, specifically lesbians, are ruling the roost there?”

Which gives way to professional television host Brian Kilmeade performing his world-famous routine of taking offensive stuff seriously:

Brian Kilmeade answered that “we don’t know for sure” if there is a lesbian cabal at the helm of DHS, but “it’s easy to come to that conclusion that there is a different type of glass ceiling separating the Homeland Security Department in this case.”

[Raw Story, Mediaite, video via TPM]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    I always knew Geraldo was a lesbian.

    • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

      He's certainly looking more like one as he ages.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Whatever went down in Al Capone's tomb when the camera's got turned off, shit was freaky.

    • yellojkt

      Don't know about being a lesbian, but according to his former father-in-law Kurt Vonnegut, Geraldo is definitely a douche.

  • Preferred Customer

    “created a frat house-type atmosphere that is targeted to humiliate and intimidate male employees”

    I know those words, but that sentence doesn't make any sense.

    • SorosBot

      Yeah, frat houses tend to be targeted towards humiliating and intimidating women, not men.

      • not that Dewey

        Plenty of males are humiliated and intimidated in frat houses. But by other males. It's always the males doing the humiliatin'.

        • Fare la Volpe

          The only humiliation I ever had in a sorority house was when I finished the bottle and had to drink the worm.

          • not that Dewey

            The only humiliation I ever had in a sorority house was when my band played a pledge dance and I hit a sour note in a Replacements' song.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You just don't understand how it feels to be judged by your body and not your mind. It is so hard to be a man now days with women constantly leering at you. I don't know why they even came out of the kitchen if this is how they are going to treat men.

    • One_who_wanders

      It goes along fine until you get to the penultimate word.

    • Typodong3

      Yes well there's a RICH history of women's fraternities humiliating and intimidating (not to mention sexually abusing) college age males. It was only a matter of time before they moved up to the DHS.

      • One_who_wanders

        Just thinking about it makes me tear up for the poor little waifs . . . .

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    Well, if 'everybody' is talking about it, it must be true.

    • NellCote71

      This should only be talked about in quiet rooms, for pete's sake.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        In the light of day, after the election.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      If by "everybody", you mean far right batshit crazy bloggers and FOX, and by "true", you mean far right batshit crazy bloggers and FOX.

    • Preferred Customer

      Hey, have you heard all the people saying I won the lottery? I'm not saying I won–I'm just asking the question.

    • horsedreamer_1

      You mean, like Steve Doocy running a black tar heroin operation out of the FOX News offices? I heard it's on the Internet, so must be true.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    right after this, I'm sure they'll cover the 2 lesbian teenagers who were murdered last month for liking eachother.
    any minute now.

    • mrpuma2u

      Of course, just like any stupid Hollywood slasher, any promiscuous action is immediately and harshly punished by the killer. Message is always teen sex = DEATH.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You don't expect FOX to dirty their news with facts and truth, do you?

  • sbj1964

    DHS Department of Homoland Security? Fox & Friends strikes again.

  • SnarkOff

    We should have known when Janet arrived for her first day of work towing a U-Haul.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Nice!

      • Oblios_Cap

        was she wearing flannel?

        • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

          She was blaring the Indigo Girls.

      • SnarkOff

        Why, thank you! It is my second day commenting here. Been lurking for 150 years.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Yet, your comment style "sounds" very familiar. Good job.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      …with a Subaru Outback.

      • C_R_Eature

        And a Midland's wire dog crate in the back with a winning Show rosette hanging on the door.

    • CthuNHu

      …left-handed.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Geraldo will broadcast live as he breaks through the rainbow colored glass ceiling at DHS. What will he find?

    • SnarkOff

      A cache of flannel shirts and Indigo Girls CDs.

    • Typodong3

      But first he needs to get on his knees and draw a detailed plan of the Lesbian Cabals troop movements in the dirt.

    • WhatTheHeck

      An ancient hieroglyph of two pairs of scissors

    • Halloween Jack

      A signed 8X10 glossy of k.d. lang to notorious lesbian Alice Capone.

  • metamarcisf

    The glass ceiling that Kilmeade should be worrying about is the one separating his frontal lobe from the rest of his brain.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      There's a rest?

  • barto

    Oh Geraldo, a lesbian cabal, how HOT is that? Don't you just wish, Mr. Pants-around-his-ankles!

  • Baconzgood

    What the fuck? Maybe no one is talking about it because it's insane?

    • not that Dewey

      That's not a reason.

      • sharethegrief

        Perfect.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    The lesbian cabal going on in my mind is a lot different from the one going on in Geraldo's.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Actually, I bet it is not.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'll take one for the team. I'll volunteer to work with the lesbian who wants a little c*ck in the back of her throat.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Be nice.

  • SorosBot

    So the all-powerful lesbian cabal is moving beyond its traditional control of women's basketball and tennis; soon they may control the world!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Or at the very least Ace Hardware!

  • Local_Mojo

    So, he is "The Gay Cabellero"?

    1940 – Cisco Kid. Nailed it.

    "In a case of mistaken identity, the Cisco Kid and his sidekick Gordito arrive in town only to learn that Cisco has been declared dead. Even worse than that, before he died, Cisco was accused of having tried to steal Susan Wetherby's land. Cisco must prove both his identity and his innocence."

  • OneYieldRegular

    Wait, noted intellectual heavyweight Brian Kilmeade, whom even Gretchen Carlson dismissed as being a patronizing, paternalistic chauvinist is now concerned that men might be at an unfair disadvantage instead of being at their usual unfair advantage? How shocking is this!

  • Baconzgood

    How can there even be dykes with a mantastic beef cake like this around?
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Geraldo_Rivera_

    (it's safe for work but you girls will still want to go into the rest room and rub one off)

    • tessiee

      Looking at this picture, I can only conclude that Geraldo has been a douche at least since 1970.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Gah! Wtf? My eyes!

  • ChernobylSoup

    Should of known something was up when I saw the border control Subaru.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    They should recruit unemployable Micheal Steele to run this "investigation." From what we've heard, he's quite the expert.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'll bet they claim that there are 69 lesbos working in the DHS.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Isn't this the plot of a "Will & Grace" episode?

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      It's the episode where Karen wakes up under a pile of lesbians from the DHS.

  • misantropo

    Steve Doocy is a compete idiot.

  • mrpuma2u

    Is this some kind of fantasizing about "lesbian bureaucrats gone wild!" ?!?!? WTF?

  • CivicHoliday

    Waaaaaaaaa boys aren't automatically being promoted over girls, it must be a conspiracy!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Zactly.

  • bumfug

    In Geraldo-speak, "Lesbian Cabal" = "Chicks who Wouldn't Fuck Me If I Had A Golden Dick".

    • FakaktaSouth

      Oh my god I AM a lesbian. I knew it.

    • NellCote71

      = most of the female population.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • RadioBowels

      You owe me a new motherboard!

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Sorry.
        I believe that MittBorg takes care of such things.

  • Come here a minute

    DHS always wins in softball on the Mall — IT'S A CONSPIRACY!

  • SorosBot

    And I, for one, welcome our new lesbian overlords.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Thank you! We promise to be benign and generous rulers as long as you are nice to animals and promise to recycle.

      • SorosBot

        I'll be nice; why I've even been rewatching Xena and listening to the Indigo Girls in preparation.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          I prefer my lesbians louder and angrier. Sleater Kinney, maybe.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            I hear ya, bsfd. Teh indigo girls bore me to tears.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I, for one, am waiting for their video to be released.

    • http://parterre.com La_Cieca

      OverLADIES, please!

  • Schmannnity

    It's just the k.d. lang on infinite loop in the elevators that has people on edge.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "Constant Craving" and "Wash Me Clean" and "Big Boned Gal"

    • Guppy

      I haven't seen that much flannel in one place since the 1990's!

      (Or maybe Portland)

  • MacRaith

    What the hell? Everybody knows it's Interior that's run by a lesbian cabal, not Homeland Security. Can't these guys get even the basic facts straight?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Is transportation still run by fat, drunk truckers? That would seem to balance everything.

      • tessiee

        UNLESS!
        Unless *some* of those fat, drunk truckers are *also* Lesbians!
        Dun dun dunnnn!

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      Can Interior get the drapes and carpets to match?

  • elviouslyqueer

    I'm sorry, but I can't even snark about this. Fuck these homophobic pea-brained Neanderthals with a white-hot poker shoved right up their puckered assholes. And yes, that includes you, Gretchen.

    • ChernobylSoup

      We should do away with the term homophobia altogether. They're not scared… they're hateful bigots.

      /paraphrased from somewhere; can't remember.

      • GhostBuggy

        Well, they're scared that they are actually gay.

      • LetUsBray

        I heard it from George Takei, Snark Emperor of Facebook.

      • AbandonHope_

        How about "hetero-supremacist"?

      • bikerlaureate

        Which is worse – actual hateful bigots, or those who portray them for fame and $$$$ ?

        (Asking a purely hypothetical question here, of course. For a friend.)

  • savethispatient

    So it's not a glass ceiling they're hitting, but a dental dam?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Bouncy!

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      Actually that glass ceiling is mirrored. Oh, also it's a Lucille cabal.

    • HarryButtle

      Argh! You beat me to it.

  • schvitzatura

    Department of Homeland Scissoring?

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Next up: Geraldo opens Janet Reno's secret sapphic love vault deep below the cellars of the Justice Department.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Live and on Fox News! He'll find nothing but her old prescription glasses.

  • ph7

    Brian Kilmeade answered that “we don’t know for sure” if there is a lesbian cabal at the helm of DHS, but “it’s easy to come to that conclusion that there is a different type of glass ceiling separating the Homeland Security Department in this case.”

    In fact, Brian comes to conclusion just thinking about the lesbian cabal.

  • sullivanst

    No Geraldo, you can NOT join in. NO, you cannot watch either. Get the fuck out!

  • MoeDeLawn

    I'm thinking Geraldo is due for the application of another chair to his face; and, as long as the other three are sitting right there, maybe a dose for them, too.

  • anniegetyerfun

    It's easy to come to the conclusion that Brian Kilmeade has the IQ of cement.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      It would need to be particularly stupid cement.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      READYMIX LIBEL!

  • PuckStopsHere

    I wish I was a chick so I could make out with Janet Napolitano.

  • Blunderthing

    OK everyone stop imaging what those hot hot hot lesbians are doing and be outraged, now!

    • Generation[redacted]

      I have an outrage in my pants now.

  • RRoccoco

    Only in your dreams, Geraldo–in your turgid, sweaty, cum-stained dreams.

  • NellCote71

    Welcome to our world. Signed by 51% of the adult U.S. population.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This is part of a worldwide lesbian plan to control the world. Oh no, I've said too much.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Good luck with that. The current HHIC (Head Heteros In Charge) have left you a right cock-up (so to speak).

  • Baconzgood

    Where's a chair weilding skin head when you need one?

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      Paul Ryan is out campaigning somewhere in Iowa I think.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    I don't know for sure whether Steve Doocey does shots of fetus stem cells which have been poured over Gretchen Carlson's "outtie" belly button, but people are talking about it.

    • NYNYNYjr

      You're like the 5th person today who has mentioned that. Is there a video around of that? I saw a really fuzzy cell phone video, but I mean a good one.

  • Baconzgood

    Reunited monkeys? Yes please.

  • plinthic

    Steve Doocy was clearly enjoying that segment. From the video I think he's fully erect.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Have you no sense of decency sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?

      • plinthic

        I was referring to his posture. What are you referring to?

    • James Michael Curley

      I'll take your word for it.

  • mbobier

    Wait — lesbians are running the frat houses now? What kind of college IS this?!?

  • StealthMuslin

    I don't know if Brian Kilmeade has a skull full of flesh-eating bacteria and a recessive cock but it's easy to come to that conclusion.

    • Angry_Marmot

      (Nods) We don't know for sure that he doesn't.

    • superdave

      I have seen no documentation to disprove the notion.

    • bikerlaureate

      Is the subtext of the Fox News on-air talent scandal that there is some kind of narcissistic cabal? That there has been some kind of utterly amoral Koch-gobbling takeover of this organization?

      (I just read it on my computer screen, which is currently connected to the internet, so it might be true.
      Man, I'd really hate to be the one trying to explain the big words like "true" to these preening xenophobes.)

    • NYNYNYjr

      Everyone's talking about forming a mob and catching Kilmeade on September 1st and taking him to the bathroom to give him swirlys. It sounds crazy, but it's literally everywhere. It's like a new holiday or something.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    This shouldn't be a surprise, really. A woman's place is in the Home…land.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Don't forget Allen West's iron-clad list of eighty communists in the House!

  • RadioBowels

    Lesbian Cabal??!? who knew there were Jews running DHS?

    • proudgrampa

      You can read all about it in the Protocols of the Lesbians of Zion.

  • IncenseDebate

    First Pussy Riot. Then takeover. –
    V. Putin

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, was Gretchen Carlson getting all hot and bothered when she thought about the lesbian take over of our country?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Geraldo grew a moustache so he could perform cunnilingus on his own face, making him a one-man lesbian cabal.

    • LetUsBray

      I was trying to come up with a munchable carpet on his face remark. Well played.

  • mavenmaven

    I first saw " investigates the lesbian canal" and I blushed.

  • ph7

    Purple-tied Brian really shouldn't be casting aspersions.

    • proudgrampa

      I first read that as "casting asparagus."

      Apropos of nothing.

  • coolhandnuke

    “Let’s just settle it, once and for all, all of this speculation…is Pussy Galore running the Department of Homeland Security?"
    –Geraldo

  • docterry6973

    You mean to say a woman was promoted instead of a man? It MUST be a conspiracy!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      She couldn't possibly have been the better candidate. Everyone knows men are smarter than women.

  • owhatever

    More high caliber journalism from Fox. It may not be true, but just suppose that it is, how awful that is and it has to be stopped right away before middle-school girls all start lesbianing as preparation for jobs in Obama's New World Order.

  • Billmatic

    What terrible alternate hell dimension have we slipped into where Geraldo is excluded from being called a muppet?

    • tessiee

      Muppets had the decency to boycott Chick-Fil-Homophobe, which puts them way out of Geraldo's league.

  • sudsmckenzie

    I came for the Lesbians, I stayed for the Cabal.

  • http://gorejusgeorge.tumblr.com CheeseBro69

    “created a frat house-type atmosphere that is targeted to humiliate and intimidate male employees”

    How does a sane person go about responding to such nonsense?

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      With the remote control.

  • JustPixelz

    Brian Kilmeade answered that “we don’t know for sure” if there is a lesbian cabal at the helm of DHS

    Hey this is a fun game. Here are some other things we don't know.

    We don't know how many of the Fox blondes had to blow Roger Ailes. And I include Steve Doocey in that unknown.

    We don't know how many ways Sarah Palin™ is stupid.

    We don't know which millionaire and billionaires and trillionaires Mitt Romney thinks pay too much in taxes.

    ("All of them Katie" is correct answer for each)

    • Living in Joy

      "We don't know how many of the Fox blondes had to blow Roger Ailes. And I include Steve Doocey in that unknown." Now that almost made me spit my lunch out! Bravo!

  • Billmatic

    Gotta point out the hilarious discrepancy between Debbie Schussel's glamour shots blog picture and how she actually looks.

  • LetUsBray

    Lesbian Cabal '16!

  • Angry_Marmot

    Call your provider today and tell them: "I want Lesbian Cable!"
    What? … Never mind.

    • kittensdontlie

      I just love my Bisexual Cable and will not be switching at this time.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        My cable goes both ways.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Coffee, meet monitor.

  • Sister_Ray

    Just like I'm…uuuhhh investigating the multitude of lesbian cabals that have commandeered all these porn websites

  • Angry_Marmot

    ♪ ♪ M M M My Sharia…

  • C_R_Eature

    I've said it before ("Wonkville") and I'll say it again:
    You know, even if I had as much money as Murdoch, I wouldn't waste a dime of it on these morons.

  • rickmaci

    Women get the better job and get promoted and the white male stupidocracy can explain it only by conjuring up a lesbian conspiracy, couldn't possibly be because the women are better at the job.

  • Living in Joy

    Well they sure as hell can't talk about Mitt Romney, the Romney Tag(g) team and military service, Ann Romney, Ralfalca, tax returns, Mass governorship, Medicare, Ann's designer clothes, Mitt's mom jeans, in vitro fertlization for the Romney boys (what's up with that anyway, 3 sons needed in-vitro?) so that leaves the imminent Biden tossed aside for Hillary speculation, the lesbian takeover of DHS (and I'm sure Hillary will be implicated there as well) and Paul Ryan's abs which I expect to be rolling out anytime now to deflect attention from those fucking tax returns. Pickin's are slim at Fox and Friends!

    • tessiee

      "in vitro fertlization for the Romney boys (what's up with that anyway, 3 sons needed in-vitro?)"

      No surprise that those two tight-asses produced three grown sons who couldn't accomplish fucking.

  • HarryButtle

    And by "glass ceiling" he means "dental dam."

    • ph7

      The mythical dental dam – always discussed in health classes, never actually appearing in real life.

  • tessiee

    Where is the Jon McNaughton painting of the lesbian cabal?

    • ph7

      "Dolly Madison and Martha Washington modestly cover themselves in the American Flag and weep while averting their eyes from Obama's heathens scissoring on top of the Constitution"

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        I love this.

  • HistoriCat

    It's Friday. Let's face it – none of us are going to bust our asses on Friday if we don't have to. You just put in your time and dream of the end of that day. I'm sure working for Fox just amplifies that feeling. No doubt they will be back to normal on Monday.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Let's compare a News Channel A with Fox News.

    News Channel A: Study prove women are likely earn less than their male counterpart and can face work-place inequality.

    Fox News: Whaaaaaaa!!!! There's a Lesbo run a muck at DHS and has created inequality over males because it couldn't brake the rainbow glass ceiling. :( >:( >:{}

  • tessiee

    "“What do you think?” professional television host Steve Doocy responds. Geraldo adds, “It just seems like everyone is talking around it. Is that really what people are saying? That men are disadvantaged and that women, specifically lesbians, are ruling the roost there?”"

    Well, looking at the way the blacks took over after Obama was elected, the homos taking over is only the next logical step, right?

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ gogogodzilla

    Tits or gtfo

  • whatupirondog

    I'd like to be angry about how far our media has fallen etc, etc.., but I'm just so damn glad those gorilla brothers were reunited.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    According to Gretchen Carlson, full. screeching. halt.

  • thefrontpage

    Everyone knows that all the lesbians in the federal government work for FEMA.

  • Guppy

    If DHS was a lesbian cabal, the GOP would host fundraisers there.

  • DahBoner

    What happened to the old Opposite Sex Cabal?

  • joobajooba

    And every organization where the men keep the women down is…. a gay cabal?

  • NYNYNYjr

    It is detailed i the new all true book The Protocols of the Elders of Donut-Bumping.

  • bibliotequetress

    "Reporting from the eighth floor men's room at Fox Headquarters, we have breaking news written in Sharpie above the middle urinal."

  • thejazzmonger

    So Geraldo and the rest of the Foxy bunch are trying to imply that agency heads who are interested in women, sexually, will automatically discriminate against male employees.

    Does that mean that, to be fair to men, all male agency heads need to be gay?

  • ttommyunger

    Napolitano's spokesman reported that speed is of the essence in disproving this calumny and that they are moving "Lickety-Split" to do so.

  • mcrummett

    Technically, that would be a sorority house-type atmosphere.

  • mosjef

    I thought it was a lesbian cable. I was going to have to start hassling Comcast about it for information gathering purposes of course. Fox and Friends is a Jackass Cabal.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Cable, Cabal, what's the difference?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Geraldo was just getting wistful about how much more money he could have made if he had stayed in daytime talk instead of going to CNBC, then FOX. He could have actually done shows on lesbian cabals & out-Jerry'd! Springer.