Jesus Freaks

Pat Robertson: Don’t Touch That Orphan, You Don’t Know Where It’s Been

Please sir, I will try not to grow up weirdNational comedic treasure Pat Robertson has once again allowed words to come out of his face, triggering a Severe WTF Warning from the National Surrealism Agency. On a segment of his 700 Club television program, Robertson and co-host Kristi Watts were doing a Dear Abby style thing, giving people the same sort of smart, well-grounded advice that has become a Pat Robertson trademark.

In response to a woman’s question about why men don’t want to keep dating her when they find out that she has three adopted children from different countries, Watts began to say that it was because the men “are dogs … That’s just wrong on every level.” Then Robertson jumped in, gently correcting the poor misguided lady, because what does she know, being a woman and all? “No, it’s not wrong. A man doesn’t want to take on the United Nations, and this woman’s got all these various children and blended family. What is it?” Exactly! What is it? It’s just a big old mess of different colors and face shapes that will NEVER look right on a Christmas card, is what it is, and by the time the lady has finished explaining what each ungodly kid is, most menfolk will have lost interest. Besides, Jesus never said anything about taking in strangers or anything like that, now did he?

Robertson then went on to tell a heartwarming story about a “dear friend” who adopted a Mexican child from some Mexican country like Colombia, only the kid had brain damage and “grew up weird.” He did not elaborate, but we think maybe he meant “became a televangelist.” (BOOM!) Robertson went on, offering the sort of advice that is equally applicable to buying a used car or adopting a child:

“You just never know what’s been done to a child before you get that child; what kind of sexual abuse there has been, what kind of cruelty, what kind of food deprivation, etc., etc, etc. So, you’re not a dog because you don’t want to take on that responsibility. You don’t have to take on somebody else’s problems. I mean, you really don’t.

You can go help people, you can minister to people…We ministered to orphans all over the world, thousands of them. We love orphans, we love helpin’ people. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home…”

Robertson then trailed off, adding, “OK, let’s get to the next question. I’m in trouble.”

It has been quite the week for Christianist America, what with the scary Islamics being so scary they have to be shot at, and the anti-gay people getting oppressed by the SPLC declaring open season on their security guard, and the mean scientists wanting Kentuckians to learn science, and flocks of good conservatives rushing to buy pies from that lady who, living out the wisdom of Matthew 25:42, told the poors to go be poor someplace else. And now we have Pat Robertson, who has added a small codicil to Matthew 18:5: “And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me, unless maybe that child is messed up somehow and could grow up weird. Ick.”

[Right Wing Watch]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

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  • memzilla

    Those who can't do, teach preach.

    • eggsacklywright

      Hey, ole Pat might be on to something here. Because I learned at my church (Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering) that unwed gay children cause hurricanes.

  • marconidarwin

    Why doesn't Kristi give Pat a sponge bath on live TV?

    • foxypuppet

      Or maybe a frontal lobotomy?

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        They call it "Ministering" now, not "lobotomizing".

      • PsycWench

        Already been done, given the lack of judgment and impulse control.

    • gullywompr

      Don't worry, Paul Ryan's plans for senior health care will get him off the air soon enough.

    • Callyson

      She doesn't want to see that, not for a million bucks…

      • not that Dewey

        And neither do we.

    • tessiee

      For humanitarian reasons.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I think the poor gal goes through enough already from cringing on the inside from what Pat says.

  • foxypuppet

    Correction: those kids would look AWESOME on a UNICEF Christmas card…

    • memzilla

      You're confusing a UNICEF card with a Benetton ad.

      • foxypuppet

        Nah- I'm sure the Benneton ads would be more lucrative.

        (They need to do some more advertising- I just had to google them to see if they were still around…)

        PS: http://goo.gl/OC8TZ

  • memzilla

    Mark 10:14: When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

    All of these people making money from Jeebus must have really tired faces, from the talking out of the both sides of their mouth from.

    • foxypuppet

      You forgot the suffering part.

    • PsycWench

      So Pat Robertson is NOT heading to the kingdom of heaven? Works for me.

    • Schmegeg

      Let Jesus have 'em. Problem solved.

    • Negropolis

      He ain't just talking out of both sides of his mouth. That requires a bit more skill than this senile man-thing has left. No, on this particular show, he was talking straight out of his ass. And as an ass is wont to do, it stinks to high hell.

  • PsycWench

    Wow, he really put the "suffer" into "suffer the little children to come unto me".

  • Angry_Marmot

    ♪ "We are the Weird… We are the Homeless…" ♫

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      ♪We are the ones who'll chase off your men, so let's stop caring.♫

      • salt_bagel

        ♫♫♫Pat's advice we're takin'…We're savin' our own lives…♫♫♫

  • gullywompr

    So Pat Robertson's adopted?

    • foxypuppet

      Birth parents were Prescott Bush & a very close relative…

      Or maybe Aimee Semple McPherson & Prescott Bush?

      Or….?

      • Geminisunmars

        A. Hitler and a certain Ms. Reifenstahl?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I'm pretty sure Pat's older than both of them.

  • PsycWench

    " a Severe WTF Warning from the National Surrealism Agency" is a genius turn of phrase, BTW, and covers so much right-wing activity.

    • Geminisunmars

      I always wondered what NSA stood for.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      That's why Dok got called up to the Majors!

    • emmelemm

      Agreed. Good one, Doktor Z.

    • foxypuppet

      How do I sign up for these WTF warnings? Or do I just need to constantly monitor Wonkette?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Yes.

    • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

      Aww, thanks! And did I mention that the tip jar is still open for a few more days?

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      But people tend to be discomforted whe I show up and say I'm from the NSA.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    In other words, fuck victimized and oppressed children, Christian-style.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      With votes?

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        Suffer my suffrage, you little waif…

    • ImForMitt!

      You liberals always miss a key distinction between Protestantism and Catholicism.

      Pat is a Protestant minister; these children are already born. He believes the victimized and oppressed children should be starved.

      If Pat were a Catholic priest, then he would want the victimized and oppressed children to be fucked.

    • comrad_darkness

      Missionary style. Please. (He said it, not me…)

  • HereKitty

    So, Pat … never practice sinful birth control, and take no heed of the financial consequences while you have as many kids as your body can possibly pump out, FOR GOD, and then when some nice lady wants to give one (or three) of your underprivileged offspring a loving home, SHUN HER.

    Just making sure we're all on the same page here, you eugenicist lunatic.

  • PsycWench

    A man doesn't want to take on the United Nations, because it is always stone-cold asking if it can go outside and play and if mom can take it to the park with Jimmy later on.

    • gullywompr

      Anchor babies!

    • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

      On the upside, it never has to pay its parking tickets.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat
    • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

      OK, that was AWESOME

    • tessiee

      Wow, I'm surprised that there was a Talking Heads song I'd never heard before!
      Also, thanks for the new dance move.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      I'm from the NSA and I give this unto you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQO-aOdJLiw&fe

  • LastGasp

    I'm sure that blond-haired, blue-eyed Jesus would agree with Pat.

    • Negropolis

      Meanwhile, 5-foot, curly-haired, olive-skinned Semitic Jesus wept.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    How did we ever let a group of people who lie to us weekly about a man who could walk on water (and live after bleeding out) be the arbiters of morality in this country?

    • PsycWench

      We didn't. He assumed that mantle without checking with the rest of us.

    • finette_
    • tessiee

      Uncle Ronnie Raygun discovered that they were useful idiots, and so he gave them a voice in the national discourse, and way more power than they earned on merit (which is to say none).

  • CrunchyKnee

    I just spent 10 minutes of my Saturday morning telling some Jehovah's witnesses that they are indeed insane, then I go back to my coffee and Internets and read this shit.

    As an Atheist, I want my country back. That is all, also too.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      You can have it back tomorrow when you're sitting on the veranda, sipping coffee and smiling about how you saved 10% on your "life assurance" by switching to NULL.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      10 minutes? You're doing it all wrong. Next time they show up, answer the door stark naked and proclaim in a loud voice "Have I HEARD the word of God? Why I AM God!!"

      90 seconds tops…

      (unless you happen to look like Kate Upton, in which case you'll probably be responsible for spontaneously converting them to your brand new religion)

      • Whollyholeyholy

        I wish I could say I thought of it myself-I have a good friend who puts on a pair of horns before answering the door.

    • Negropolis

      JW's absolutely freak me the f%ck out. I mean, they are like even stranger, less sensical Mormons if that is possible.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Fundie Fail. You're supposed to use dog whistles, Pat, not blatant racism and xenophobia.

    • Pragmatist2

      He's just going with his strengths.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Well, he was on track with referencing the "United Nations". Why didn't he just keep moving on to how their black helicopters will satanically oppress our jebus freedumbs? Instead he had to talk about hating black kids. "Imply And Deny," first lesson he shoulda learned in Fundie School.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      He's 82 and remembers when you didn't have use those whistles that younger folk use nowadays. He's an old dog not interested in the new tricks.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "You don’t have to take on somebody else’s problems. I mean, you really don’t. "

    Pat…despite all of the conflicting feelings I have about my faith, I'm going to stay a Christian just to watch Jesus kick your fucking ass.

  • PsycWench

    I don't know if Pat's aware of all the American families that have adopted children from China, Russia, etc but he might want to watch his back. They don't take kindly to this crap.

    • Katydid

      Silly, Pat's talking about the blahs and the kids from Spanish-speaking countries.

      • foxypuppet

        Mostly the blahs…

  • Blueb4sinrise

    ….why men don’t want to keep dating her…

    Guessing: no blowjobs.

    • ttommyunger

      Bingo!

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I think it might because they discover that she watches Pat Robertson and it has nothing to do with the fact she has adopted kids.

  • Mahousu

    "We love orphans, we just don't like them, if you know what I mean."

  • FakaktaSouth

    Okay, speaking of orphans, I'm just gonna put this here –

    I have a friend who has almost just become a foster parent, she has everything together to receive the kids she will foster and she keeps talking about how wonderfully all of this is coming together and what a marvelous plan God has for her and these kids, and I just keep thinking, man, if God was so great at planning, would there BE foster kids? I mean, I am glad that she is going to care for the kids, but just because you found the perfect bedspread to go in this child's crib, does that mean God is making this all happen to the kid just so my friend's life is better? This is why I can't have actual conversations with some people and I have to just say stuff here instead. Thank you for keeping me from offending everyone I know on facebook. Oh, and Fuck Pat Robertson, always.

    • PsycWench

      I know EXACTLY what you mean. My favorite is a local writer who went on and on about how God spared the setup for his wedding when smiting the nearby area during the derecho storm in July. Several people died in that storm but apparently they just weren't that important.

      • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

        It's a minor-league version of The War Prayer, nu?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Lol; your favorite local writer is a putz.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      what a marvelous plan God has for her and these kids

      Yes, because God knows the beauty and magnificence of foster care.

      Seriously, to your friend, What. The. Fuck.

    • PsycWench

      OK this has pissed me off so much I'm having trouble letting go. Lefty Christian friends of mine adopted a child from a third world country when he was seven, after a history of abuse. They gave him a much better life, but he could never get completely past his early life and committed suicide last year. His funeral was the saddest thing I have ever gone to in my 51 years. I am starting to tear up thinking about it. But I suppose Robertson would have rather had the kid grow up in a hellhole rather than have some times of happiness. I just can't quite imagine anyone thinking that God put the kid or his family through that for some purpose.

      • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

        (hugs PsycWench) Oh, damn! Sorry to have set that off–some people can be monsters. Step back from the (entirely justified) rage when you can, and join us in mocking the idiots.

        Will a day come when the race will detect the funniness of these juvenilities and laugh at them–and by laughing at them destroy them? For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon–laughter. Power, Money, Persuasion, Supplication, Persecution–these can lift at a colossal humbug,–push it a little– crowd it a little–weaken it a little, century by century: but only Laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of Laughter nothing can stand.

        –Mark Twain, "The Chronicle of Young Satan" The Mysterious Stranger Manuscripts

        • PsycWench

          Thanks. Am returning to mocking mode in 3…2…1

          • Lascauxcaveman

            On the flip side, three local Catholic families I know have adopted a total of 7 Ethiopian kids over the last 15 years (some of them good friends with my kids) and they've all turned out fine. A little spoiled, like most American kids who go to a private school, but basically fine.

            There are a lot of success stories in this area.

            Also, fuck pat Robertson, too.

      • Callyson

        My God…

        No snark, just sympathy for you and the family…

      • BerkeleyBear

        I wish I could remember where I saw this, but there's a great story about "God's plan" and the ultimate comeback from a minister whose son died from drug addiction. Obviously, he could reconcile his faith with his son's death, but not the bullshit false sympathy offered by well meaning but stupid people.

        Pain sucks, children being in pain sucks worse, and the lingering pain of abuse is terrible. My sympathies for the parents, and I hope the positive memories outweigh the pain in time, but I don't for a second think any sort of loving God could do that to them or to a child.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Our current foster kid came straight to us from the hospital at 3 days old. Apparently she was doing meth and smoking pot before she was even born -which is pretty damn impressive if you think about it. Anyway she's 10 weeks old now and already speaking in tongues (at least I think that's what that gurgling noise is). Somehow god must have gotten through to her.

      It's wierd.

      • Geminisunmars

        I was trying to think of something to say to you snarky as well as meaningful, but it isn't coming, so I'll just send you virtual hugs for doing this.

      • anniegetyerfun

        You are awesome. That is all.

    • PhilippePetain

      Dude, devil makes bad things happen, God makes good things happen. It's not that hard.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Except God made devil, just to fuck with us.

        • comrad_darkness

          He was bored. Understandably.

          • PhilippePetain

            Oh come ON!

            Devil was originally good > free will > evil created out of free will; it ain't rocket science.

      • tessiee

        "devil makes bad things happen, God makes good things happen"

        I had a Christian co-worker who used to say things like this, but seriously. I replied, with the best attempt at repressing sarcasm I could manage (which was probably not very good), "So, the devil works for god as… an independent contractor?"

        • Swampgas_Man

          Had a visit from Jesus last night at 3AM after maybe a few Jagers (looks a little like Peter O'Toole at the beginning of The Ruling Class, but swarthier.)
          He said the Devil was an early attempt at independent thought — something the Angels were never good at– but he turned out to be an asshole. Yes, Jesus uses words like "asshole".

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I thought that's what facebook was for? Am I doing it wrong?

  • barto

    Well, it is true, I mean look at Mitt Romney, he never wanted for anything, doubtful he was molested, probably no brain damage (bit on a limb here, admittedly), and still even he grew up weird. I'm with Pat, don't take any chances on these things especially if the womenfolk are telling you to.

    • foxypuppet

      ARE there any photos of Mitt as a child? Or were they all destroyed after he died in France in that accident?

      • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

        Where's the build sheet?

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

          I'd be more concerned with the MSRP (it's gonna cost us big) and the MSDS (I'm hoping for maybe too much cadmium, but I just know there's a big lump of plutonium in there ready to dust America).

      • Callyson

        I got curious:

        30 Photos Of Mitt Romney As A Child
        More wholesome than you could ever imagine.

        http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/30-photos

        Kid is frighteningly All American…

        • Geminisunmars

          I think he posed retroactively.
          #29 tells the tale.

        • foxypuppet

          Look at #12…

          So when they built the robot after the car crash, they clearly just used George Romney as the model…

        • tessiee

          Is #22 a picture of someone being baptized retroactively?

          • viennawoods13

            Not sure, but the kid with the gun is an interesting touch.

        • tessiee

          I can't snark too much on these. Sure, they're bland and dorky in that Ozzie and Harriet, Midwestern WASP way, but that's how many people were in that day and age. They actually look like a pretty nice family.

          I particularly liked #18, where they've got all 20 or 30 of them formally posed, and the toddler in the front row decided to do a tumblesauce just as the shutter clicked, making Grandpa George laugh.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Pictures of my black working/preacher class family from those days don't look much different except for having 1/10th the income.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Remember how big of a deal it was that John Kerry spent summers in France as a kid? Proof of his elitism?

  • GuanoFaucet

    You just never know what’s been done to a child before you get that child; what kind of sexual abuse there has been, what kind of cruelty, what kind of food deprivation, etc., etc, etc.

    See, Pat, this is why you should always get a KIDFAX report before purchasing a new orphan. Problem solved.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      "Now, let's not just dismiss that idea out of hand…"

    • not that Dewey

      "Hail damage? wtf?"

      • Lascauxcaveman

        "Partially submerged (Hurricane Katrina)" wtff?

        • Negropolis

          You all are s going to Christian hell for those. lol

      • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

        Hail Mary damage? WTF?

    • CivicHoliday

      awww shit this one is cute but his dad was an abusive alcoholic. that's gotta take at least a grand off of blue book value.

  • eggsacklywright

    I heard that ole Pat can bench press 1000 pounds of orphans.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Step #1 of "Ministering": Make your flock feel that they're too Damaged Goods to even hope to share a life with a partner.

    Step #2 of "Ministering": Suggest substituting a ghost or imaginary friend as a stand in for a life partner and parent to your children.

    • anniegetyerfun

      That's probably the best summary of evangelical Christianity that I have ever come across.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Thanks, I graduated "Confirmation", so I know most of the ghost stories.

  • salt_bagel

    Why can't every race just make sweet love to every other race? I'll go first.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Dibs on Tamron Hall.

    • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

      Thank you, Senator Bulworth.

    • Callyson

      I'll take that on, starting with Troy Polamalu.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    "No-Siree! At most, Kristi, you would want to go with an Oriental baby, so long as you have all the health and IQ certificates from the Red China government. As the Bible says, you train up a child in the way it should go, but with these other colors, you don't know whether they're going to turn out a god-fearing Dinesh D'Souza or Michelle Malkin type, or some kind of Jose Padilla Mexican Islamic with bombs in his underpants! And Kristi, between you and me, we both know there's a reason the orphanages can't even give away American darkie babies. Oops, I'm bein' told I've stepped in it!"

    • tessiee

      "I hear those Asientals are smart and good in school — and polite, like we were. Why, they're even letting some of them become doctors now! And that guy at the dry cleaner's, what's his name, everybody just calls him Freddy, he seems like a real hard-workin' fella. Cheerful little fella, too — always smiling. Except when that one guy came in, and he yelled, "YOU GO NOW! YOU GET OUT OF MY SHOP!!" Wonder what that was about… Anyway… And those tiger moms, they don't take any guff from those kids, no sirree bob! You'll never see *those* kids acting up, like some of the *other* ones, if you know who I mean…"

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    It's just Tough Christianity. That's why Jesus said to turn the other cheek. Eventually you'll get so pissed off you'll just wanna smack Obama thine enemy on his asp.

  • Callyson

    Imagine if Pat Robertson had selected the poem for the Statue of Liberty:

    "Take away our tired, your poor,
    Those huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
    The wretched refuse of our teeming shore.
    Take these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
    I hope their asses don't get hit by the golden door!"

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Zactly. After 9/11 somebody had P-Shopped the Statue giving the finger to the world.

  • Chichikovovich

    You can go help people, you can minister to people…We ministered to orphans all over the world, thousands of them. We love orphans, we love helpin’ people. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home…”

    We took the money donated to us for mission work, and we went out and gave those orphans the greatest gift in the world: we told them about Jesus. Yet you insatiable people want us to give them food and shelter too?

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    Dear Pat:

    Love. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
    Help. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
    Minister. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
    Christian You keep using that word…

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      All fours words simply mean thumpin' Bibles and then throwin' them at orphans.

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Don't forget rakin' in those sweet, sweet Tithes.

  • Callyson

    Bible:
    "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing." Deuteronomy 10:18

    Pat Roberson:
    "What is it?"

  • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

    Also, too: Without even knowing he'd done it, a French quadruple amputee has delivered a brilliant FUCK YOU to Pat Robertson.

    • C_R_Trogloraptor

      I just Flipped Off Pat Robertson for him.

  • BerkeleyBear

    Okay, Pat just channeled a character from the Odd Life of Timothy Green (aka tearjerker extraordinaire). Only that character was a complete bitch, and Pat wouldn't act like that, good Christian that he is?

    Oh, and for anyone considering fostering or adopting, ol' Pat's not entirely wrong – there are lots of kids in the system with issues, and not all of them are obvious. But that would be the reason that awesome, loving foster and adoptive parents are so vital. But if it makes the old racist feel that better, you can always try to foster/adopt older American kids with issues – they almost always get passed over in favor of infants from all over the world.

    • ChernobylSoup

      As the late Bob Dole (he's dead, right?) countered in his debate with Bill Clinton in 1996, "With all due respect to the First Lady, it doesn't take a village, it takes a family." What he meant was that real American kids are born into families. The kids not born into families should have been. The village is too busy making money and creating jobs to help those shiftless children.

  • Callyson

    Bible:
    "For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death." Psalm 72:12-13

    Pat Robertson:
    "Sucks to be you."

    • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

      Cannot Upfist Too Many Times!!!!!

    • anniegetyerfun

      Well, he HELPS them, you see. By telling them that Jeebus loves them. It's someone else's job to actually feed and provide for the little monsters.

  • bringmeanaxe

    I need to start my own comedy show on the teevee. This sh-t just writes itself.

  • FakaktaSouth

    You dont know "What kind of food deprivation?"
    You mean like the kind of kids cunts won't let have strawberries? Good lord. Round and round and round we go…

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      If those kids didn't want scurvy than they should have had the foresight to be born into richer families!

  • Callyson

    Bible:
    "The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern." Proverbs 29:7

    Pat Robetson:
    "Not my problem."

    (Shit, the Bible has some radical commie ideas when you actually read it, and I haven't even gotten to the New Testament yet…)

    • Zepster

      Blessed are are cheese makers. Of course, not to be taken literally. All manufacturers of dairy products are equally blessed.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    "Don't Crush That Orphan, Hand Me the Pliers."

    • Blueb4sinrise

      AAAAAAAAAAMMEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNN.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I.Fucking.Love.You!

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Thank you.

        Wonkette's the only place where I can get away with this sort of behavior.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    You never know what kind of sick sad huckster spouting misinterpretations of a sand-based myth might have gotten their hands on that poor, poor child.

  • Pithaughn

    Somewhere a demon just got it's pitchfork.

  • YasserArraFeck

    When she said she had a meltin' pot at home, I thought we wuz gonna have Fondew……..

  • Schmegeg

    Romney promised to get rid of the National Surrealism Agency. Or maybe not.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Was that not one of the departments on Rick Perry's got-to-go list?

  • JCE1985

    It's almost so unfunny to suggest that not helping people is okay because orphans can be helped but they're probably fucked up in some way so don't bother that it deserves more scorn than we are capable of.

    The extremes and lengths that troglodytic right-wing thugs go to to make an invalid point is truly an exercise in dangerous futility.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    It's just a backdoor to bring TERRORISTS into this country!

    These foreign babies are like kittens – sure they're cute when they're little – but when you catch them assembling dirty bombs in your basement and turning your house into some sort of Jihad command post, don't say you weren't warned.

    On a separate note, when our cats have their full moon madness spree of violence (usually around 4am, and punctuated by the monthly opening of the kitchen cabinets and pushing at least one dish to the floor) I intend to refer to it as a "Pussy Riot" from now on.

    • tessiee

      I used to like when they did the galumphing-up-and-down-the-hallway Olymic event. Watching them lean over to make the corner was the best part. Sometimes the throw rug would make them go into a skid.

  • not that Dewey

    Hate early, and hate orphan.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I am pretty sure that God's plan for us is that we try our best to help one another. Pretty sure, Pat.

    • Isyaignert

      It's freekin' "Crhistiantity 101" is it not? These televangalists basturds obviously don't believe what they're spouting; otherwise they wouldn't so gleefully rip off poor, desperate people to further their empires without fear of the consequences.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    Motherless Children have a hard time.

  • subsum

    Pat: I bet you that Jewish carpenter would fuck up your kitchen cabinets if he knew who you really are.

  • Willardbot9000_V2.5

    This is O/T…but when are these fucking morons going to learn the difference between a scientific theory and a non-scientific one? I mean…they say scientific theories haven't been tested by the scientific method…and huh? derp, derp, derp! You'd think after getting their asses kicked in academia, by the courts both big and small and never releasing anything for peer review the assholes would give up the ghost but nope…they're trying harder than ever and it's working! The Ottoman Empire crumbled largely because of right wing religious idiocy that led to them largely opting out of the age of enlightenment for decades…what's our final reason going to be? I think "fucking moronic inbred wingnuts" explains things to future generations quite nicely….

  • tessiee

    "a heartwarming story about a “dear friend” who adopted a Mexican child from some Mexican country like Colombia, only the kid had brain damage and “grew up weird.”
    […]
    ““You just never know what’s been done to a child before you get that child; what kind of sexual abuse there has been, what kind of cruelty, what kind of food deprivation, etc., etc, etc."

    *smug*
    Yeah, thank God *we're* not one of those loser countries where life is cheap and they don't know enough to value the precious Jeebus babbies! Thank God *we're* civilized, and know better, and take care of *our* poor and sick, and have Medicare and Medicaid, which would never get abolished…
    Oopsie.

  • smitallica

    I'm guessing men don't want to keep dating this woman not because she has adopted children from other countries, but because she has adopted the belief that Pat Robertson is someone to ask for advice.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      I'm pretty sure they simply figured out right away that there was zero chance that they'd be getting any from this fundie crackpot

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Dangit!

  • tessiee

    "a woman’s question about why men don’t want to keep dating her when they find out that she has three adopted children from different countries"

    Wait… *adopted* children?
    I mean, OK, I could understand if a woman had three *biological* children, especially if they were the brown kind of foreigner, because that would mean she's a dirty, dirty whore who fucks brown foreigners. But adopted? I has a confuzz.

  • tessiee

    This is bad news for Sarah Palin.

  • tessiee

    "you don’t want to take on that responsibility. You don’t have to take on somebody else’s problems. I mean, you really don’t. […] We love orphans, we love helpin’ people. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home…”

    What a relief.
    After all these years of the Christers blowing smoke up everybody's collective ass about how the precious Jeebus babbies are a blessing and a miracle, and there is absolutely no financial or social downside in child-raising, ever…
    Along comes everybody's favorite loony Keebler elf (sorry, Ross Perot) who, however inadvertently, at long last, admits the truth that everybody else knew all along: Nobody gives a shit about unwanted kids — in fact, we sorta hate them. They're rubbish to be disposed of, like unwanted pets, and what's more, they're *so* rubbishy that they contaminate the people associated with them (usually their whore mothers) with their cooties. I mean, you don't even need a major religious figure for that; you could get it from watching one episode of "Maury".

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      I thought Ron Paul was everybody's favorite Keebler Elf

      • tessiee

        Dennis Kuchinich and his amazingly hot wife take exception to that.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Tune in next week as Pat rails against the evils of the AFS student exchange program…

  • mavenmaven

    In real Merka, you can only adopt orphans who look like Paul Ryan. If you are Bing Crosby.

  • ttommyunger

    In a perfect world I will live long enough to watch Ol Pat die a long, painful, humiliating death of ass cancer. Sigh!

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

      If that much wished for event does come to pass we will be able to tune in to the 700 Club to watch his heavily sedated death. Nothing can get that slimy toad off the air.

      • ttommyunger

        “Nothing can get that slimy toad off the air.” …and that is the scary thing-he apparently has real, living, breathing devotees. Wow!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Well, a family full of colored kids is a BIT different from the U.N. For one thing, you don't have China and Russia vetoing the fuck out of everything on the Security Council.

    I mean, unless you adopted kids from China and Russia, and then you're screwed. Little vetoing bastards.

  • NellCote71

    Back when I was forced marched to Sunday School and church, I learned this song:
    Jesus loves the little children,
    All the children of the world.
    Red and yellow, black and white,
    All are precious in his sight,
    Jesus loves the little children of the world.

    I thought these lyrics were strange on several accounts. I knew my parents didn't particularly care for the children who were blah (the browns aren't even mentioned). I guess the reds were Native Americans? And they didn't care for them much either. So, I was always puzzled why if Jesus loved all these different kinds of children when people in my all-white church didn't.

  • MinAgain

    Is that a millstone around your neck, Pat?

  • MonkeyMotion

    "We love orphans, we love helpin’ people. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home…”

    Translation: "We love collecting $ from suckers by promising them a ticket to eternal fantasy-land. But SPENDING $ on them? Are you kidding?"

  • wolvenwood13

    Interesting. He does realize that Newt Gingrich was adopted, doesn't he?

    • Negropolis

      Well, Newton McPhearson's dad was white, and the stepdad was white, so that's totally okay. There are rules of xenophobia, people!

  • Citizen_Arcane

    It's okay, Pat, don't worry about it. America will never run short on men like Jerry Sandusky who will step up and be role models for these boys.

  • lulzmonger

    To paraphrase the Gospel verse: It would be better for US if Pat had never been mommy-pooped.

  • Negropolis

    You know, I'm trying very hard to snark about this — and Allah willing, I'll find the snark soon enough after this — but this is a horrible man. I mean, just plain terrible. He's said a lot of fucked up shit, but this ranks near the very, very top.

    • bobbert

      In the article WABishop linked to above, the writer (a Southern Baptist minister, among other things) says:

      Let me just say this bluntly. This is not just a statement we ought to disagree with. This is of the devil.

      • Negropolis

        I'm glad to know that I wasn't the only one that found this particularly odious. I mean, there are few things I can imagine that could be said that are worse than this. It's not just anti-social and against humanity; it's even against the faith he professes to believe in in a very real and blatant way. If there is such thing as evil, this truly is what evil looks and sounds like.

  • Isyaignert

    This is this same man of Gawd that stated it was okay to fuk around on your spouse if they had Altzheimer's because they wouldn't know. That's the bad news. The good news is that he thinks cannabis should be legal. He's like Ron Paul – half of what he says makes perfect sense but the other half is total batcrap crazy.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    just more ignorant ravings wrapped in religious babble

  • sundayk

    he is an ass-clown….but he is right about one thing…since most of the worlds "orphans" have at least one living parent and are institutionalized due to poverty, we can do a lot for the world's "orphans" without stripping them of their language, their g-d, their culture, their names and most importantly their real families…just saying even a broken clock is right twice a day.

  • jim6661

    I hate to say t, but Robertson is right. Orphan children should be tested for physical and emotional defects. If they have such defects, they should be put down.

  • Kevin VandeWettering

    Most liberal guys don’t even hang around and raise their own kids. You wanted them to raise orphans?