JESUS FREAKS  12:04 pm August 18, 2012

Pat Robertson: Don’t Touch That Orphan, You Don’t Know Where It’s Been

by Doktor Zoom

Please sir, I will try not to grow up weirdNational comedic treasure Pat Robertson has once again allowed words to come out of his face, triggering a Severe WTF Warning from the National Surrealism Agency. On a segment of his 700 Club television program, Robertson and co-host Kristi Watts were doing a Dear Abby style thing, giving people the same sort of smart, well-grounded advice that has become a Pat Robertson trademark.

In response to a woman’s question about why men don’t want to keep dating her when they find out that she has three adopted children from different countries, Watts began to say that it was because the men “are dogs … That’s just wrong on every level.” Then Robertson jumped in, gently correcting the poor misguided lady, because what does she know, being a woman and all? “No, it’s not wrong. A man doesn’t want to take on the United Nations, and this woman’s got all these various children and blended family. What is it?” Exactly! What is it? It’s just a big old mess of different colors and face shapes that will NEVER look right on a Christmas card, is what it is, and by the time the lady has finished explaining what each ungodly kid is, most menfolk will have lost interest. Besides, Jesus never said anything about taking in strangers or anything like that, now did he?

Robertson then went on to tell a heartwarming story about a “dear friend” who adopted a Mexican child from some Mexican country like Colombia, only the kid had brain damage and “grew up weird.” He did not elaborate, but we think maybe he meant “became a televangelist.” (BOOM!) Robertson went on, offering the sort of advice that is equally applicable to buying a used car or adopting a child:

“You just never know what’s been done to a child before you get that child; what kind of sexual abuse there has been, what kind of cruelty, what kind of food deprivation, etc., etc, etc. So, you’re not a dog because you don’t want to take on that responsibility. You don’t have to take on somebody else’s problems. I mean, you really don’t.

You can go help people, you can minister to people…We ministered to orphans all over the world, thousands of them. We love orphans, we love helpin’ people. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home…”

Robertson then trailed off, adding, “OK, let’s get to the next question. I’m in trouble.”

It has been quite the week for Christianist America, what with the scary Islamics being so scary they have to be shot at, and the anti-gay people getting oppressed by the SPLC declaring open season on their security guard, and the mean scientists wanting Kentuckians to learn science, and flocks of good conservatives rushing to buy pies from that lady who, living out the wisdom of Matthew 25:42, told the poors to go be poor someplace else. And now we have Pat Robertson, who has added a small codicil to Matthew 18:5: “And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me, unless maybe that child is messed up somehow and could grow up weird. Ick.”

[Right Wing Watch]

 

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{ 196 comments }

memzilla August 18, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Those who can't do, teach preach.

eggsacklywright August 18, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Hey, ole Pat might be on to something here. Because I learned at my church (Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering) that unwed gay children cause hurricanes.

marconidarwin August 18, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Why doesn't Kristi give Pat a sponge bath on live TV?

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Or maybe a frontal lobotomy?

Designer_Rants August 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm

They call it "Ministering" now, not "lobotomizing".

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Already been done, given the lack of judgment and impulse control.

gullywompr August 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Don't worry, Paul Ryan's plans for senior health care will get him off the air soon enough.

Callyson August 18, 2012 at 1:01 pm

She doesn't want to see that, not for a million bucks…

not that Dewey August 18, 2012 at 2:14 pm

And neither do we.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:05 pm

For humanitarian reasons.

Butch_Wagstaff August 18, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I think the poor gal goes through enough already from cringing on the inside from what Pat says.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Correction: those kids would look AWESOME on a UNICEF Christmas card…

memzilla August 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

You're confusing a UNICEF card with a Benetton ad.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Nah- I'm sure the Benneton ads would be more lucrative.

(They need to do some more advertising- I just had to google them to see if they were still around…)

PS: http://goo.gl/OC8TZ

memzilla August 18, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Mark 10:14: When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

All of these people making money from Jeebus must have really tired faces, from the talking out of the both sides of their mouth from.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 12:15 pm

You forgot the suffering part.

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm

So Pat Robertson is NOT heading to the kingdom of heaven? Works for me.

Schmegeg August 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Let Jesus have 'em. Problem solved.

Negropolis August 19, 2012 at 12:49 am

He ain't just talking out of both sides of his mouth. That requires a bit more skill than this senile man-thing has left. No, on this particular show, he was talking straight out of his ass. And as an ass is wont to do, it stinks to high hell.

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Wow, he really put the "suffer" into "suffer the little children to come unto me".

Angry_Marmot August 18, 2012 at 12:13 pm

♪ "We are the Weird… We are the Homeless…" ♫

Designer_Rants August 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

♪We are the ones who'll chase off your men, so let's stop caring.♫

salt_bagel August 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm

♫♫♫Pat's advice we're takin'…We're savin' our own lives…♫♫♫

gullywompr August 18, 2012 at 12:13 pm

So Pat Robertson's adopted?

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Birth parents were Prescott Bush & a very close relative…

Or maybe Aimee Semple McPherson & Prescott Bush?

Or….?

Geminisunmars August 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

A. Hitler and a certain Ms. Reifenstahl?

Lascauxcaveman August 18, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I'm pretty sure Pat's older than both of them.

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

" a Severe WTF Warning from the National Surrealism Agency" is a genius turn of phrase, BTW, and covers so much right-wing activity.

Geminisunmars August 18, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I always wondered what NSA stood for.

Chet Kincaid_ August 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

That's why Dok got called up to the Majors!

emmelemm August 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Agreed. Good one, Doktor Z.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 12:39 pm

How do I sign up for these WTF warnings? Or do I just need to constantly monitor Wonkette?

Chet Kincaid_ August 18, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Yes.

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Aww, thanks! And did I mention that the tip jar is still open for a few more days?

BoatOfVelociraptors August 18, 2012 at 3:02 pm

But people tend to be discomforted whe I show up and say I'm from the NSA.

KeepFnThatChicken August 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

In other words, fuck victimized and oppressed children, Christian-style.

Designer_Rants August 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

With votes?

KeepFnThatChicken August 18, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Suffer my suffrage, you little waif…

ImForMitt! August 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm

You liberals always miss a key distinction between Protestantism and Catholicism.

Pat is a Protestant minister; these children are already born. He believes the victimized and oppressed children should be starved.

If Pat were a Catholic priest, then he would want the victimized and oppressed children to be fucked.

comrad_darkness August 18, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Missionary style. Please. (He said it, not me…)

HereKitty August 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

So, Pat … never practice sinful birth control, and take no heed of the financial consequences while you have as many kids as your body can possibly pump out, FOR GOD, and then when some nice lady wants to give one (or three) of your underprivileged offspring a loving home, SHUN HER.

Just making sure we're all on the same page here, you eugenicist lunatic.

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:17 pm

A man doesn't want to take on the United Nations, because it is always stone-cold asking if it can go outside and play and if mom can take it to the park with Jimmy later on.

gullywompr August 18, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Anchor babies!

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 12:46 pm

On the upside, it never has to pay its parking tickets.

DerrickWildcat August 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm
Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 1:00 pm

OK, that was AWESOME

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Wow, I'm surprised that there was a Talking Heads song I'd never heard before!
Also, thanks for the new dance move.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I'm from the NSA and I give this unto you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQO-aOdJLiw&fe

LastGasp August 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I'm sure that blond-haired, blue-eyed Jesus would agree with Pat.

Negropolis August 19, 2012 at 12:51 am

Meanwhile, 5-foot, curly-haired, olive-skinned Semitic Jesus wept.

KeepFnThatChicken August 18, 2012 at 12:20 pm

How did we ever let a group of people who lie to us weekly about a man who could walk on water (and live after bleeding out) be the arbiters of morality in this country?

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:43 pm

We didn't. He assumed that mantle without checking with the rest of us.

finette_ August 18, 2012 at 1:04 pm
tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Uncle Ronnie Raygun discovered that they were useful idiots, and so he gave them a voice in the national discourse, and way more power than they earned on merit (which is to say none).

CrunchyKnee August 18, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I just spent 10 minutes of my Saturday morning telling some Jehovah's witnesses that they are indeed insane, then I go back to my coffee and Internets and read this shit.

As an Atheist, I want my country back. That is all, also too.

KeepFnThatChicken August 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

You can have it back tomorrow when you're sitting on the veranda, sipping coffee and smiling about how you saved 10% on your "life assurance" by switching to NULL.

zippy_w_pinhead August 18, 2012 at 4:40 pm

10 minutes? You're doing it all wrong. Next time they show up, answer the door stark naked and proclaim in a loud voice "Have I HEARD the word of God? Why I AM God!!"

90 seconds tops…

(unless you happen to look like Kate Upton, in which case you'll probably be responsible for spontaneously converting them to your brand new religion)

Whollyholeyholy August 18, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I wish I could say I thought of it myself-I have a good friend who puts on a pair of horns before answering the door.

Negropolis August 19, 2012 at 12:52 am

JW's absolutely freak me the f%ck out. I mean, they are like even stranger, less sensical Mormons if that is possible.

Designer_Rants August 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Fundie Fail. You're supposed to use dog whistles, Pat, not blatant racism and xenophobia.

Pragmatist2 August 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

He's just going with his strengths.

Designer_Rants August 18, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Well, he was on track with referencing the "United Nations". Why didn't he just keep moving on to how their black helicopters will satanically oppress our jebus freedumbs? Instead he had to talk about hating black kids. "Imply And Deny," first lesson he shoulda learned in Fundie School.

Butch_Wagstaff August 18, 2012 at 6:35 pm

He's 82 and remembers when you didn't have use those whistles that younger folk use nowadays. He's an old dog not interested in the new tricks.

Dashboard Buddha August 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

"You don’t have to take on somebody else’s problems. I mean, you really don’t. "

Pat…despite all of the conflicting feelings I have about my faith, I'm going to stay a Christian just to watch Jesus kick your fucking ass.

KeepFnThatChicken August 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I'd convert back from atheism to see that shit.

No, wait… I'll take hell anyway — the music is gonna be waaaay better — but I still want to see it.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 2:11 pm
zippy_w_pinhead August 18, 2012 at 4:42 pm

could be worse- could be bagpipes…

lulzmonger August 18, 2012 at 11:59 pm

"I come not to bring peace, but a whuppin'."

bikerlaureate August 19, 2012 at 12:50 am

Although it has stiff competition, that just may be the most depraved thing Pat Robertson has ever said.
It should be engraved in granite and displayed prominently at whatever sham educational / divinity "schools" he heads, as well as CBN.

I still want to believe that he didn't actually utter those words…

WABishop August 19, 2012 at 8:02 am

Most days I have no use for the Southern Baptists but this response to Robertson by the Dean of the School of Theology at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary is a sweet piece of writing: "If you want to see the gospel of Christ, the gospel that has energized this church for two thousand years, turn off the television. The grinning cartoon characters who claim to speak for Christ don't speak for him."

(via @pourmecoffee)

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I don't know if Pat's aware of all the American families that have adopted children from China, Russia, etc but he might want to watch his back. They don't take kindly to this crap.

Katydid August 18, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Silly, Pat's talking about the blahs and the kids from Spanish-speaking countries.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Mostly the blahs…

Blueb4sinrise August 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

….why men don’t want to keep dating her…

Guessing: no blowjobs.

ttommyunger August 18, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Bingo!

Butch_Wagstaff August 18, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I think it might because they discover that she watches Pat Robertson and it has nothing to do with the fact she has adopted kids.

Mahousu August 18, 2012 at 12:29 pm

"We love orphans, we just don't like them, if you know what I mean."

FakaktaSouth August 18, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Okay, speaking of orphans, I'm just gonna put this here –

I have a friend who has almost just become a foster parent, she has everything together to receive the kids she will foster and she keeps talking about how wonderfully all of this is coming together and what a marvelous plan God has for her and these kids, and I just keep thinking, man, if God was so great at planning, would there BE foster kids? I mean, I am glad that she is going to care for the kids, but just because you found the perfect bedspread to go in this child's crib, does that mean God is making this all happen to the kid just so my friend's life is better? This is why I can't have actual conversations with some people and I have to just say stuff here instead. Thank you for keeping me from offending everyone I know on facebook. Oh, and Fuck Pat Robertson, always.

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I know EXACTLY what you mean. My favorite is a local writer who went on and on about how God spared the setup for his wedding when smiting the nearby area during the derecho storm in July. Several people died in that storm but apparently they just weren't that important.

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

It's a minor-league version of The War Prayer, nu?

Lascauxcaveman August 18, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Lol; your favorite local writer is a putz.

KeepFnThatChicken August 18, 2012 at 12:35 pm

what a marvelous plan God has for her and these kids

Yes, because God knows the beauty and magnificence of foster care.

Seriously, to your friend, What. The. Fuck.

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

OK this has pissed me off so much I'm having trouble letting go. Lefty Christian friends of mine adopted a child from a third world country when he was seven, after a history of abuse. They gave him a much better life, but he could never get completely past his early life and committed suicide last year. His funeral was the saddest thing I have ever gone to in my 51 years. I am starting to tear up thinking about it. But I suppose Robertson would have rather had the kid grow up in a hellhole rather than have some times of happiness. I just can't quite imagine anyone thinking that God put the kid or his family through that for some purpose.

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 12:55 pm

(hugs PsycWench) Oh, damn! Sorry to have set that off–some people can be monsters. Step back from the (entirely justified) rage when you can, and join us in mocking the idiots.

Will a day come when the race will detect the funniness of these juvenilities and laugh at them–and by laughing at them destroy them? For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon–laughter. Power, Money, Persuasion, Supplication, Persecution–these can lift at a colossal humbug,–push it a little– crowd it a little–weaken it a little, century by century: but only Laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of Laughter nothing can stand.

–Mark Twain, "The Chronicle of Young Satan" The Mysterious Stranger Manuscripts

PsycWench August 18, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Thanks. Am returning to mocking mode in 3…2…1

Lascauxcaveman August 18, 2012 at 2:44 pm

On the flip side, three local Catholic families I know have adopted a total of 7 Ethiopian kids over the last 15 years (some of them good friends with my kids) and they've all turned out fine. A little spoiled, like most American kids who go to a private school, but basically fine.

There are a lot of success stories in this area.

Also, fuck pat Robertson, too.

Callyson August 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

My God…

No snark, just sympathy for you and the family…

BerkeleyBear August 18, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I wish I could remember where I saw this, but there's a great story about "God's plan" and the ultimate comeback from a minister whose son died from drug addiction. Obviously, he could reconcile his faith with his son's death, but not the bullshit false sympathy offered by well meaning but stupid people.

Pain sucks, children being in pain sucks worse, and the lingering pain of abuse is terrible. My sympathies for the parents, and I hope the positive memories outweigh the pain in time, but I don't for a second think any sort of loving God could do that to them or to a child.

ChernobylSoup August 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Our current foster kid came straight to us from the hospital at 3 days old. Apparently she was doing meth and smoking pot before she was even born -which is pretty damn impressive if you think about it. Anyway she's 10 weeks old now and already speaking in tongues (at least I think that's what that gurgling noise is). Somehow god must have gotten through to her.

It's wierd.

Geminisunmars August 18, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I was trying to think of something to say to you snarky as well as meaningful, but it isn't coming, so I'll just send you virtual hugs for doing this.

anniegetyerfun August 18, 2012 at 5:26 pm

You are awesome. That is all.

PhilippePetain August 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Dude, devil makes bad things happen, God makes good things happen. It's not that hard.

BerkeleyBear August 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Except God made devil, just to fuck with us.

comrad_darkness August 18, 2012 at 7:15 pm

He was bored. Understandably.

PhilippePetain August 20, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Oh come ON!

Devil was originally good > free will > evil created out of free will; it ain't rocket science.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"devil makes bad things happen, God makes good things happen"

I had a Christian co-worker who used to say things like this, but seriously. I replied, with the best attempt at repressing sarcasm I could manage (which was probably not very good), "So, the devil works for god as… an independent contractor?"

Swampgas_Man August 19, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Had a visit from Jesus last night at 3AM after maybe a few Jagers (looks a little like Peter O'Toole at the beginning of The Ruling Class, but swarthier.)
He said the Devil was an early attempt at independent thought — something the Angels were never good at– but he turned out to be an asshole. Yes, Jesus uses words like "asshole".

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 18, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I thought that's what facebook was for? Am I doing it wrong?

barto August 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Well, it is true, I mean look at Mitt Romney, he never wanted for anything, doubtful he was molested, probably no brain damage (bit on a limb here, admittedly), and still even he grew up weird. I'm with Pat, don't take any chances on these things especially if the womenfolk are telling you to.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 12:42 pm

ARE there any photos of Mitt as a child? Or were they all destroyed after he died in France in that accident?

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Where's the build sheet?

Designer_Rants August 18, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I'd be more concerned with the MSRP (it's gonna cost us big) and the MSDS (I'm hoping for maybe too much cadmium, but I just know there's a big lump of plutonium in there ready to dust America).

Callyson August 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I got curious:

30 Photos Of Mitt Romney As A Child
More wholesome than you could ever imagine.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/30-photos

Kid is frighteningly All American…

Geminisunmars August 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I think he posed retroactively.
#29 tells the tale.

foxypuppet August 18, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Look at #12…

So when they built the robot after the car crash, they clearly just used George Romney as the model…

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Is #22 a picture of someone being baptized retroactively?

viennawoods13 August 18, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Not sure, but the kid with the gun is an interesting touch.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I can't snark too much on these. Sure, they're bland and dorky in that Ozzie and Harriet, Midwestern WASP way, but that's how many people were in that day and age. They actually look like a pretty nice family.

I particularly liked #18, where they've got all 20 or 30 of them formally posed, and the toddler in the front row decided to do a tumblesauce just as the shutter clicked, making Grandpa George laugh.

Chet Kincaid_ August 18, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Pictures of my black working/preacher class family from those days don't look much different except for having 1/10th the income.

anniegetyerfun August 18, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Remember how big of a deal it was that John Kerry spent summers in France as a kid? Proof of his elitism?

GuanoFaucet August 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm

You just never know what’s been done to a child before you get that child; what kind of sexual abuse there has been, what kind of cruelty, what kind of food deprivation, etc., etc, etc.

See, Pat, this is why you should always get a KIDFAX report before purchasing a new orphan. Problem solved.

Chet Kincaid_ August 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

"Now, let's not just dismiss that idea out of hand…"

not that Dewey August 18, 2012 at 2:16 pm

"Hail damage? wtf?"

Lascauxcaveman August 18, 2012 at 2:48 pm

"Partially submerged (Hurricane Katrina)" wtff?

Negropolis August 19, 2012 at 12:58 am

You all are s going to Christian hell for those. lol

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Hail Mary damage? WTF?

CivicHoliday August 18, 2012 at 8:25 pm

awww shit this one is cute but his dad was an abusive alcoholic. that's gotta take at least a grand off of blue book value.

eggsacklywright August 18, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I heard that ole Pat can bench press 1000 pounds of orphans.

Designer_Rants August 18, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Step #1 of "Ministering": Make your flock feel that they're too Damaged Goods to even hope to share a life with a partner.

Step #2 of "Ministering": Suggest substituting a ghost or imaginary friend as a stand in for a life partner and parent to your children.

anniegetyerfun August 18, 2012 at 5:15 pm

That's probably the best summary of evangelical Christianity that I have ever come across.

Designer_Rants August 18, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Thanks, I graduated "Confirmation", so I know most of the ghost stories.

salt_bagel August 18, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Why can't every race just make sweet love to every other race? I'll go first.

ChernobylSoup August 18, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Dibs on Tamron Hall.

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Thank you, Senator Bulworth.

Callyson August 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I'll take that on, starting with Troy Polamalu.

Chet Kincaid_ August 18, 2012 at 12:57 pm

"No-Siree! At most, Kristi, you would want to go with an Oriental baby, so long as you have all the health and IQ certificates from the Red China government. As the Bible says, you train up a child in the way it should go, but with these other colors, you don't know whether they're going to turn out a god-fearing Dinesh D'Souza or Michelle Malkin type, or some kind of Jose Padilla Mexican Islamic with bombs in his underpants! And Kristi, between you and me, we both know there's a reason the orphanages can't even give away American darkie babies. Oops, I'm bein' told I've stepped in it!"

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm

"I hear those Asientals are smart and good in school — and polite, like we were. Why, they're even letting some of them become doctors now! And that guy at the dry cleaner's, what's his name, everybody just calls him Freddy, he seems like a real hard-workin' fella. Cheerful little fella, too — always smiling. Except when that one guy came in, and he yelled, "YOU GO NOW! YOU GET OUT OF MY SHOP!!" Wonder what that was about… Anyway… And those tiger moms, they don't take any guff from those kids, no sirree bob! You'll never see *those* kids acting up, like some of the *other* ones, if you know who I mean…"

Ayn Rand Paul Tard August 18, 2012 at 12:58 pm

It's just Tough Christianity. That's why Jesus said to turn the other cheek. Eventually you'll get so pissed off you'll just wanna smack Obama thine enemy on his asp.

Callyson August 18, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Imagine if Pat Robertson had selected the poem for the Statue of Liberty:

"Take away our tired, your poor,
Those huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of our teeming shore.
Take these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I hope their asses don't get hit by the golden door!"

Blueb4sinrise August 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Zactly. After 9/11 somebody had P-Shopped the Statue giving the finger to the world.

Chichikovovich August 18, 2012 at 1:06 pm

You can go help people, you can minister to people…We ministered to orphans all over the world, thousands of them. We love orphans, we love helpin’ people. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home…”

We took the money donated to us for mission work, and we went out and gave those orphans the greatest gift in the world: we told them about Jesus. Yet you insatiable people want us to give them food and shelter too?

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Dear Pat:

Love. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Help. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Minister. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Christian You keep using that word…

Butch_Wagstaff August 18, 2012 at 6:59 pm

All fours words simply mean thumpin' Bibles and then throwin' them at orphans.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Don't forget rakin' in those sweet, sweet Tithes.

Callyson August 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Bible:
"He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing." Deuteronomy 10:18

Pat Roberson:
"What is it?"

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Also, too: Without even knowing he'd done it, a French quadruple amputee has delivered a brilliant FUCK YOU to Pat Robertson.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I just Flipped Off Pat Robertson for him.

BerkeleyBear August 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Okay, Pat just channeled a character from the Odd Life of Timothy Green (aka tearjerker extraordinaire). Only that character was a complete bitch, and Pat wouldn't act like that, good Christian that he is?

Oh, and for anyone considering fostering or adopting, ol' Pat's not entirely wrong – there are lots of kids in the system with issues, and not all of them are obvious. But that would be the reason that awesome, loving foster and adoptive parents are so vital. But if it makes the old racist feel that better, you can always try to foster/adopt older American kids with issues – they almost always get passed over in favor of infants from all over the world.

ChernobylSoup August 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm

As the late Bob Dole (he's dead, right?) countered in his debate with Bill Clinton in 1996, "With all due respect to the First Lady, it doesn't take a village, it takes a family." What he meant was that real American kids are born into families. The kids not born into families should have been. The village is too busy making money and creating jobs to help those shiftless children.

Callyson August 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Bible:
"For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death." Psalm 72:12-13

Pat Robertson:
"Sucks to be you."

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Cannot Upfist Too Many Times!!!!!

anniegetyerfun August 18, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Well, he HELPS them, you see. By telling them that Jeebus loves them. It's someone else's job to actually feed and provide for the little monsters.

bringmeanaxe August 18, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I need to start my own comedy show on the teevee. This sh-t just writes itself.

FakaktaSouth August 18, 2012 at 1:19 pm

You dont know "What kind of food deprivation?"
You mean like the kind of kids cunts won't let have strawberries? Good lord. Round and round and round we go…

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 18, 2012 at 2:40 pm

If those kids didn't want scurvy than they should have had the foresight to be born into richer families!

Callyson August 18, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Bible:
"The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern." Proverbs 29:7

Pat Robetson:
"Not my problem."

(Shit, the Bible has some radical commie ideas when you actually read it, and I haven't even gotten to the New Testament yet…)

Zepster August 18, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Blessed are are cheese makers. Of course, not to be taken literally. All manufacturers of dairy products are equally blessed.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"Don't Crush That Orphan, Hand Me the Pliers."

Blueb4sinrise August 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm

AAAAAAAAAAMMEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNN.

Dashboard Buddha August 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I.Fucking.Love.You!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Thank you.

Wonkette's the only place where I can get away with this sort of behavior.

1stNewtontheMoon August 18, 2012 at 1:31 pm

You never know what kind of sick sad huckster spouting misinterpretations of a sand-based myth might have gotten their hands on that poor, poor child.

Pithaughn August 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Somewhere a demon just got it's pitchfork.

YasserArraFeck August 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

When she said she had a meltin' pot at home, I thought we wuz gonna have Fondew……..

Schmegeg August 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Romney promised to get rid of the National Surrealism Agency. Or maybe not.

anniegetyerfun August 18, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Was that not one of the departments on Rick Perry's got-to-go list?

JCE1985 August 18, 2012 at 2:02 pm

It's almost so unfunny to suggest that not helping people is okay because orphans can be helped but they're probably fucked up in some way so don't bother that it deserves more scorn than we are capable of.

The extremes and lengths that troglodytic right-wing thugs go to to make an invalid point is truly an exercise in dangerous futility.

johnnyzhivago August 18, 2012 at 2:14 pm

It's just a backdoor to bring TERRORISTS into this country!

These foreign babies are like kittens – sure they're cute when they're little – but when you catch them assembling dirty bombs in your basement and turning your house into some sort of Jihad command post, don't say you weren't warned.

On a separate note, when our cats have their full moon madness spree of violence (usually around 4am, and punctuated by the monthly opening of the kitchen cabinets and pushing at least one dish to the floor) I intend to refer to it as a "Pussy Riot" from now on.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I used to like when they did the galumphing-up-and-down-the-hallway Olymic event. Watching them lean over to make the corner was the best part. Sometimes the throw rug would make them go into a skid.

not that Dewey August 18, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Hate early, and hate orphan.

PuckStopsHere August 18, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I am pretty sure that God's plan for us is that we try our best to help one another. Pretty sure, Pat.

Isyaignert August 19, 2012 at 1:33 am

It's freekin' "Crhistiantity 101" is it not? These televangalists basturds obviously don't believe what they're spouting; otherwise they wouldn't so gleefully rip off poor, desperate people to further their empires without fear of the consequences.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Motherless Children have a hard time.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Allow me to introduce you to my close personal friend, Barbecue Bob:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYo8oBb-JDA

C_R_Trogloraptor August 18, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I love this. Thank You!

Here's Blind Willie Johnson for you. With bottleneck slide, sounds like.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 10:11 pm

VERY nice, with the gravel voice.
I love old blues (Lonnie Johnson, Skip James, Big Bill Broonzy); they make me feel really depressed and really hopeful at the same time.

You might enjoy this: http://www.billyrhythm.com/blues.html

subsum August 18, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Pat: I bet you that Jewish carpenter would fuck up your kitchen cabinets if he knew who you really are.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 18, 2012 at 3:01 pm

This is O/T…but when are these fucking morons going to learn the difference between a scientific theory and a non-scientific one? I mean…they say scientific theories haven't been tested by the scientific method…and huh? derp, derp, derp! You'd think after getting their asses kicked in academia, by the courts both big and small and never releasing anything for peer review the assholes would give up the ghost but nope…they're trying harder than ever and it's working! The Ottoman Empire crumbled largely because of right wing religious idiocy that led to them largely opting out of the age of enlightenment for decades…what's our final reason going to be? I think "fucking moronic inbred wingnuts" explains things to future generations quite nicely….

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 3:02 pm

"a heartwarming story about a “dear friend” who adopted a Mexican child from some Mexican country like Colombia, only the kid had brain damage and “grew up weird.”
[...]
““You just never know what’s been done to a child before you get that child; what kind of sexual abuse there has been, what kind of cruelty, what kind of food deprivation, etc., etc, etc."

*smug*
Yeah, thank God *we're* not one of those loser countries where life is cheap and they don't know enough to value the precious Jeebus babbies! Thank God *we're* civilized, and know better, and take care of *our* poor and sick, and have Medicare and Medicaid, which would never get abolished…
Oopsie.

smitallica August 18, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I'm guessing men don't want to keep dating this woman not because she has adopted children from other countries, but because she has adopted the belief that Pat Robertson is someone to ask for advice.

zippy_w_pinhead August 18, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I'm pretty sure they simply figured out right away that there was zero chance that they'd be getting any from this fundie crackpot

Butch_Wagstaff August 18, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Dangit!

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 4:07 pm

"a woman’s question about why men don’t want to keep dating her when they find out that she has three adopted children from different countries"

Wait… *adopted* children?
I mean, OK, I could understand if a woman had three *biological* children, especially if they were the brown kind of foreigner, because that would mean she's a dirty, dirty whore who fucks brown foreigners. But adopted? I has a confuzz.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 4:09 pm

This is bad news for Sarah Palin.

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 4:17 pm

"you don’t want to take on that responsibility. You don’t have to take on somebody else’s problems. I mean, you really don’t. [...] We love orphans, we love helpin’ people. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home…”

What a relief.
After all these years of the Christers blowing smoke up everybody's collective ass about how the precious Jeebus babbies are a blessing and a miracle, and there is absolutely no financial or social downside in child-raising, ever…
Along comes everybody's favorite loony Keebler elf (sorry, Ross Perot) who, however inadvertently, at long last, admits the truth that everybody else knew all along: Nobody gives a shit about unwanted kids — in fact, we sorta hate them. They're rubbish to be disposed of, like unwanted pets, and what's more, they're *so* rubbishy that they contaminate the people associated with them (usually their whore mothers) with their cooties. I mean, you don't even need a major religious figure for that; you could get it from watching one episode of "Maury".

zippy_w_pinhead August 18, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I thought Ron Paul was everybody's favorite Keebler Elf

tessiee August 18, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Dennis Kuchinich and his amazingly hot wife take exception to that.

zippy_w_pinhead August 18, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Tune in next week as Pat rails against the evils of the AFS student exchange program…

mavenmaven August 18, 2012 at 4:57 pm

In real Merka, you can only adopt orphans who look like Paul Ryan. If you are Bing Crosby.

ttommyunger August 18, 2012 at 5:07 pm

In a perfect world I will live long enough to watch Ol Pat die a long, painful, humiliating death of ass cancer. Sigh!

Chow Yun Flat August 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

If that much wished for event does come to pass we will be able to tune in to the 700 Club to watch his heavily sedated death. Nothing can get that slimy toad off the air.

ttommyunger August 19, 2012 at 10:26 am

“Nothing can get that slimy toad off the air.” …and that is the scary thing-he apparently has real, living, breathing devotees. Wow!

anniegetyerfun August 18, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Well, a family full of colored kids is a BIT different from the U.N. For one thing, you don't have China and Russia vetoing the fuck out of everything on the Security Council.

I mean, unless you adopted kids from China and Russia, and then you're screwed. Little vetoing bastards.

NellCote71 August 18, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Back when I was forced marched to Sunday School and church, I learned this song:
Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in his sight,
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

I thought these lyrics were strange on several accounts. I knew my parents didn't particularly care for the children who were blah (the browns aren't even mentioned). I guess the reds were Native Americans? And they didn't care for them much either. So, I was always puzzled why if Jesus loved all these different kinds of children when people in my all-white church didn't.

MinAgain August 18, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Is that a millstone around your neck, Pat?

MonkeyMotion August 18, 2012 at 7:08 pm

"We love orphans, we love helpin’ people. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home…”

Translation: "We love collecting $ from suckers by promising them a ticket to eternal fantasy-land. But SPENDING $ on them? Are you kidding?"

wolvenwood13 August 18, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Interesting. He does realize that Newt Gingrich was adopted, doesn't he?

Negropolis August 19, 2012 at 1:05 am

Well, Newton McPhearson's dad was white, and the stepdad was white, so that's totally okay. There are rules of xenophobia, people!

Citizen_Arcane August 18, 2012 at 8:49 pm

It's okay, Pat, don't worry about it. America will never run short on men like Jerry Sandusky who will step up and be role models for these boys.

lulzmonger August 19, 2012 at 12:08 am

To paraphrase the Gospel verse: It would be better for US if Pat had never been mommy-pooped.

Negropolis August 19, 2012 at 12:46 am

You know, I'm trying very hard to snark about this — and Allah willing, I'll find the snark soon enough after this — but this is a horrible man. I mean, just plain terrible. He's said a lot of fucked up shit, but this ranks near the very, very top.

bobbert August 19, 2012 at 1:28 pm

In the article WABishop linked to above, the writer (a Southern Baptist minister, among other things) says:

Let me just say this bluntly. This is not just a statement we ought to disagree with. This is of the devil.

Negropolis August 20, 2012 at 1:16 am

I'm glad to know that I wasn't the only one that found this particularly odious. I mean, there are few things I can imagine that could be said that are worse than this. It's not just anti-social and against humanity; it's even against the faith he professes to believe in in a very real and blatant way. If there is such thing as evil, this truly is what evil looks and sounds like.

Isyaignert August 19, 2012 at 1:29 am

This is this same man of Gawd that stated it was okay to fuk around on your spouse if they had Altzheimer's because they wouldn't know. That's the bad news. The good news is that he thinks cannabis should be legal. He's like Ron Paul – half of what he says makes perfect sense but the other half is total batcrap crazy.

BZ1 August 19, 2012 at 8:02 am

just more ignorant ravings wrapped in religious babble

sundayk August 19, 2012 at 6:00 pm

he is an ass-clown….but he is right about one thing…since most of the worlds "orphans" have at least one living parent and are institutionalized due to poverty, we can do a lot for the world's "orphans" without stripping them of their language, their g-d, their culture, their names and most importantly their real families…just saying even a broken clock is right twice a day.

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