Messicans

Hero Gov Jan Brewer Protects Arizona From Scourge Of DREAM Act Kids Getting Drivers Licenses

Governor Brewer (R-Real Americuh)Well HI Arizona, what are you doing to be the greatest state in the union today? In one corner, we have Louisiana, which allows your child to learn about the Loch Ness monster in science class (except if your child is Islamic, and thus doesn’t deserve to learn about the Loch Ness monster), and in another corner, we have Mississippi, which jails children in order to keep them safe from themselves. But in THIS corner, we have Arizona, whose governor signed an executive order on Wednesday protecting DMV employees from teen Messicans. Winner winner chicken dinner?

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed an executive order on Wednesday directing state agencies to deny drivers licenses and other public benefits to anyone benefiting from President Barack Obama’s ‘deferred action’ immigration policy.

In an executive order, Brewer said she was reaffirming the intent of current Arizona law denying taxpayer-funded public benefits and state identification to undocumented immigrants.

“They are here illegally and unlawfully in the state of Arizona and it’s already been determined that you’re not allowed to have a driver’s license if you are here illegally,” Brewer said in a press conference. “The Obama amnesty plan doesn’t make them legally here.”

Young undocumented immigrants around the nation on Wednesday began the process of applying for federal work permits under the federal Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program.

The Arizona Governor said they will issue employment authorization cards to those people who apply, but “they will not be entitled to a driver’s license nor will they be entitled to any public benefits.”

[…]

Arizona Democratic Party executive director Luis Heredia said Brewer’s order “fails to move Arizona forward on immigration reform. This amounts to a gubernatorial temper tantrum.”

First of all, Jan, (can we call you Jan?) they’re no longer “here illegally” if they qualify for this program, the point of which is to give younger, undocumented immigrants a path towards legal residency if they fulfill some pretty stringent requirements. Also, no disrespect to Luis Heredia, but if he thinks THIS is a “gubernatorial temper tantrum” he should check out the time she told President Obama that he was not the king of America while shaking her finger at him, right in his face. Now THAT was a tantrum.

[Fox News]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson

Comments

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  • Jus_Wonderin

    That BITCH!

    • thatsitfortheother1

      When you're that ugly, ya gotsta have a hobby. Hers is hosing brown people.

      • tessiee

        Maybe if she got hosed by brown people once in awhile, she'd have a somewhat more pleasant expression on her face.

    • eggsacklywright

      If we threw her into the pool, would she float?

      • SorosBot

        Water would make her melt.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Ick. That would be worse than the Deep Water Horizon spill. Poor fish and birds.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Mrs. Dudley, who is not a reader of Wonkette, saw a picture of the Arizona governor on TV and said, "She really looks like a witch." Mrs. Dudley is perceptive, but you can spell the word "witch" with a "b" and also arrive at the truth. As I am polite around Mrs. Dudley I can nonetheless express myself here: Jan Brewer is a fucking bitch witch.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I believe you mean "perra."

  • comrad_darkness

    “The Obama amnesty plan doesn’t make them legally here.”

    This women has never read a single law document, has she?

    • Beowoof

      I don't think you need to read much to get a GED.

    • LocalGirlMakesGoo

      Fucking statutes: How do they work?

  • no_gravity

    Does that woman wash her face in saddle soap?

    • comrad_darkness

      She's a walking advertisement for sunny, sunny, dry and hot Arizona.

    • James Michael Curley

      That's not her face and Kris should label it NSFW.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Roundup.

      • no_gravity

        Roundup for Poison Ivy.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          Keeps the furrows clear.

    • widestanceromance

      Gin. Never mix, never worry.

      • tessiee

        Is this a comment specifically about Jan Brewer, or just sort of a general observation?

    • Robman2

      No, as anyone who has ever been in an FFA high school AG program, it's Bag Balm
      http://www.tomifobia.com/bagbalm/our_products.htm

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Udder Cream might actually help her.

        • eggsacklywright

          Bag Balm libel!

    • SorosBot

      He face is a warning to remember to use sunscreen.

      • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

        Needs moar melanoma.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Her face is a reminder how not to look at a solar eclipse.

    • Ruhe

      Well that's an interesting question because I recall hearing that the last time Anne Romney was in Arizona she paused in the middle of a press conference to stroke the Governor's nose and comment "you're so pretty, aren't you Jan."

      • bobbert

        Win

    • elviouslyqueer

      No no. Lye and brimstone. LOTS of brimstone.

    • tessiee

      I was thinking brown laundry soap and the floor scrubbing brush.

    • Typodong3

      No. it is simply the hate, fear and bile that oozes from her soul , takes a short layover in her stinking, dessicated excuse for a heart, until finally creeps out of her festering pores that makes her look like that. Saddle soap would actually soften her leathery exterior.

    • Schmannnity

      That's one saddle that should not be sat upon.

  • IncenseDebate

    That is one witchy faced crone. Stay away from her house on Halloween kids.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Yeah, I bet she hides razors in the razors she plunks in the kids bags.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I bet she hands out Circus Peanuts. http://scrambledeggshower.wordpress.com/tag/circu

      • tessiee

        Jack Chick comics.
        Or those little boxes of raisins that look like her.

      • tessiee

        Circus peanuts are a gross candy, but I'm strangely fascinated by them because they're just so damned WEIRD.
        Why are Circus Peanuts banana flavored? Why?
        And given that they're banana flavored, why are they orange colored?
        And what do either oranges or bananas have to do with peanuts?
        It's a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a crinkly plastic bag.

        • bobbert

          I liked the remark in the linky that you can keep them for years, because they start out tasting stale.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    All someone needs to do is throw water on her and she'll melt away. Then it's flying monkey (aged crazy white people with major emotional/mental issues) stew for everyone!

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      No, no! Stay away from the corned governor entouffe, it's got weevils!

      • tessiee

        "Etouffee"?
        Please, if she'd gotten stuffed in recent years, she'd have a much more pleasant expression–…
        Oh, wait, I already said that.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      Holy Water, preferably.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    "The Arizona Governor said they will issue employment authorization cards to those people who apply"

    OMG TeaParty, Lookit! Jan Brewer issues work permits to illegals GO GET HER!!

    • notgross

      Does the state issue those? I thought that was the Feds doing that & the state really has nothing to do with employment eligibility.

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    In the immortal words of George Costanza, "We're trying to have a civilization here!"

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Witch Jan is not helping with civilization. Between her and head hunters I'll take the latter; at least they are honest. (And they could start with Witch Jan's head, if you please.)

    • DahBoner

      Jan Brewer likes her Kung Pao spicy!!!

  • Baconzgood

    Actually the mexicans have more of a right to be in Arizona than you Jan.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Ole!

    • JustPixelz

      Most Mexicans can claim ancestors in North America going back at least 10,000 years. Most African-Americans can claim ancestors in America going back to colonial times. But most white people — European-Americans, if you will — only go back a hundred years or so.

  • Mojopo

    Wow, she's even more courageous than Saudi Arabia. They don't have a written law preventing women from driving, cuz bitches have the sense to not even ask.

  • SorosBot

    They have to make sure THOSE people pay for the horrible crime of entering or remaining in the US without proper authorization when they were small children.

  • fredbell

    The Secret Service would never buy donuts from this woman, I can assure you….

  • sbj1964

    Mitt Romeny will probably make her his ambassador to Mexico. He seems good at picking the wrong people.

  • Baconzgood

    I've noticed if your in the south (except for California) you're chances of being a douche bag increases.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      California, too.

    • elviouslyqueer

      NOW JUST A MINUTE HERE.

      Oh, wait.

    • tessiee

      The Boy Who Would Not Do Anything had a theory that the further South or West you go in the US, the worse it gets, reaching its nadir in Texas, which he used to refer to as "Texistan".

      If he weren't so lazy, he'd now have to revise his theory to include Arizona.

  • MonkeyMotion

    Kentucky, you forgot KENTUCKY! Where 'stupid' — especially 'religious stupid' (redundant?) — is a protected class.

    Praise Jeebus.

  • stopthemovie

    She was riddin hard and put away wet !!

    • chicken_thief

      However, the silence of those who would brag about riding her hard is deafening.

    • Typodong3

      I dont think anyone could stand riding her hard unless it was the final leg of the pony express and the letter absolutely, positively had to get there overnight.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Jan Brewer's beauty regime: use hate as an embalming fluid.

    • Ruhe

      She's the Emperor Palpatine of the Desert Southwest.

  • SoBeach

    It's almost as if some states don't want to be part of the union. Just like last time that happened I'm sure an agreement will be reached that makes everyone happy.

    • tessiee

      Not as happy as I would have been if they'd succeeded in seceding.

  • widestanceromance

    How does she hold down the job of governorship AND play Mrs. Chancellor on TY&TR for the last 400 years?

    She's as tough as the desert landscape that is her face.

    • tessiee

      That actually made me LOL so loud I yelled.
      That's EXACTLY who she looks like!!

      • widestanceromance

        You made my day by telling me that. Any fluids pass through the nose, too?

    • elviouslyqueer

      *ahem*

      That's Katherine Reynolds Chancellor Thurston Sterling Murphy (nee Shepherd), if you must know.

      • widestanceromance

        I knew after all these centuries she must have many more names (as do all soap opera ladies with tenure), but was too eager to submit comment for research.

    • HistoriCat

      So you're saying she was one of the restless, right? Because she sure isn't one of the young.

      • widestanceromance

        One of the great ironies about TY&TR is that they all seem to be older than dirt now.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    this amounts to a gubernatorial temper tantrum.

    Rhymes with hunt, punt, runt, and zunt…

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Crunt?

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    That is the face of a woman who’s about to go Full Metal Drama Queen.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Full Metal Drama Queen

      And presto, the new name for my Cher tribute band.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Help! I looked at the photo up there and was turned into stone. Now what do I do???

    • widestanceromance

      Do you have any beer or Allman Bros records in the house?

    • eggsacklywright

      Drink some anti-Medusa pale ale and take a nap.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Ok I'm on it, 2 beer suggestions!

      and some other stuff. whatever. Beer!

    • tessiee

      Eat some quesadillas with salsa, and then listen to some salsa music.

    • doloras

      First time Jan Brewer ever got a man hard.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I imagine that Brewer must really hate Haboobs.

  • Angry_Marmot

    Governor Brewer thought Daniel Day-Lewis was the hero in Gangs of New York.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Jan Brewer you are NOT the Queen of America!! *waves finger*

    Lindsey Graham is the Queen of America.

    • tessiee

      Little Richard libel!!

  • sullivanst

    Hero Gov. Jan Brewer throws minifit and changes absolutely nothing. All of the provisions in her XO were already the law of the state of Arizona. She's as much as admitted that her order was purely for show.

  • noodlesalad

    Glad to see that tanning addict lady starting to recover. Shame it fried her brain so badly, though.

  • prommie

    A lot of the demographics of Amurrica can be explained by the movie Midnight Cowboy. You see, every loser lowlife scumbum in the US for the last 50 years, they all for some reason want to move to Florida or Arizona, and they have. The wretched refuse of Amurrica, delivered daily by Greyhound, make up the populations of those hellholes.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Midnight Cowboy

      Thank God the movie didn't delve too far into Florida… Should M.C. have been my only reference to life in NYC, watching the eating-soup-from-the-can and dodging waitress's glares and listening to Ratso's rattling cough would've been enough for me to never want to visit the city ever.

      • tessiee

        "Midnight Cowboy"

        The Viking and I went on a pub crawl with some other folks one evening. We were all crossing the street when a car overshot the crosswalk. No one was hurt, but I did take advantage of the opportunity to bang on the car hood and yell (in my original accent):

        "I'M WALKIN' HERE! I'M WALKIN' HERE!!"

      • not that Dewey

        Dayenu!

    • FakaktaSouth

      I think it's closer to Drugstore Cowboy. Have you SEEN the dude with the same name as the guy Walter White from Breaking Bad who got arrested in Tuscaloosa for also making meth? Such coincidences. ALso, does it make me a better person that I was born in Flarda but moved to Bama? (watch it now)

      And finally, don't make me call you out on Jack White. You know you like that song.

      • tessiee

        "don't make me call you out on Jack White. You know you like that song. "

        That song about the hardest buh'in to buh'in?
        Yeah, it's pretty cool.

    • SoBeach

      What's worse is I know people who are leaving Florida for Arizona. Think about that. Some of the detritus that flowed into Florida in the past 30 years — making Florida such a special place — is now packing up and heading to Arizona.

      Used to be we were the end of the road for America's losers. Now that road dead ends in a trailer park somewhere outside Phoenix.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Next up: Santa has been heard to give to all the little children, and since some of them are illegals, he must be a Commie threat. Hence the Anti-Santa Safe Haven Against Terrorists Act, or ASSHAT.

    • MosesInvests

      "Santa Claus wears a red suit-he's a Communist.
      Has a beard and long hair-must be a pacifist.
      What's in that pipe he's smoking…?"

  • Baconzgood

    She's one ugly bitch. Inside and out.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Is that a face, or a leather purse wearing a wig?

  • Limeylizzie

    That woman must have to use axle grease for moisturizer.

  • T3rbo

    Every time I read something about the scourge of illegals and what some right minded politician is doing to protect real america, I feel like I am in a time machine. The real problem with our political system is that it rewards those who pander to the worst of us in order to get elected. Why is Jan Brewer using the power of the State of Arizona to deny things to those who have little political power? it would be one thing if she were that mean spirited, but it is worse than that. She is being a pragmatist in order to pander to racists who voted her in office.
    How petty and disgusting for her to do something like this, and how terrible that she is doing something like this because it is what her base really will reward. Arizona must be full of terrible small minded bigots just like Mississippi was half a century ago. I feel the same compulsion to go down to Arizona and do something about this that probably a bunch of Northerners felt a while back. Totally disgusting on so many levels

  • pinkocommi

    I am beginning to think Jan Brewer's favorite thing to do in the whole world is oppress people.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Y'know, in the South we don't hide our crazy. We give it a fancy hat and a cocktail and set it out on the front porch so passersby can wave, gawk, and take pity on it.

    The only thing Jan Brewer is missing is the fancy hat, is my point here.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      you make me smile a lot.

  • FajitaFriday

    Hey Jan, your taxidermist called. It's time for a re-stretching.

  • RadioBowels

    Hey, guess who can't vote now either.

  • SnarkOff

    But if they don't drive, how will the Arizona police pull them over and ask for their papers?

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    I don't want to get all politically correct here, but many witches are good and don't want to be lumped in with this awful bigoted woman. I mean, Glinda was a bitch, but there are many nice witches out there.

    • tessiee

      Yeah, "You've had the power to go home all along"??? WTF was the deal with that?? Thanks for nothing, Glinda!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hey now, be nice. Just remember, she’s somebody’s mother.

  • mavenmaven

    So now there will be even fewer educated people in Arizona.

  • Dudleydidwrong
  • widestanceromance

    I'd hit it.

    I feel sick now.

  • JustPixelz

    Like true libertarians, when those young, involuntary immigrants are driving (anyway), they'll be unlicensed and uninsured. And if they crash into your SUV, you can bask in the glow of their objective self-interest. That's the Ayn Rand way.

    • djneedlz

      Libertarianism is society by random-number-generated ideological absolutes and conspiracy theory. It is the philosophy of nose-slicing, foot-shooting petard-hoisting. It's totally petarded.

  • MinAgain

    Your move, Tennessee.

  • OzoneTom

    Is there anything that can be done to keep Asian women from behind the wheel?

  • GhostBuggy

    "Arizona Democratic Party executive director Luis Heredia said…"

    Have you ever read a sadder sentence? What must that job be like?

    • HistoriCat

      I think "Utah Democratic Party executive director" would be worse but that's like arguing the merits of dying by firing squad or electric chair.

  • JustPixelz

    We've seen this before. Brewer and her cohorts should think about our history.

    In the 1850s the Know Nothing Party (also called the American Party) organized around anti-immigrant sentiment, particularly anti-Catholic, especially the Irish. From Wikipedia:

    The platform of the American Party called for, among other things:[citation needed]
    – Severe limits on immigration, especially from Catholic countries.
    – Restricting political office to native-born Americans of English and/or Scottish lineage and Protestant persuasion.
    – Mandating a wait of 21 years before an immigrant could gain citizenship.
    – Restricting public school teacher positions to Protestants.
    – Mandating daily Bible readings in public schools.
    – Restricting the sale of liquor.
    – Restricting the use of languages other than English.

  • Estproph

    Be fair to Jan Brewer – she's just trying to make sure that the state isn't overrun by old Chevys, each packed with 20 people and a little dog statue in the back window that bobs its head up and down.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Seems to me she needs to get her ass back into the kitchen and make someone a sammich.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Jan, Sheriff Joe, Senator Walnuts. Stay classy, Phoenix!

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Hell, this was a GOOD day in Arizona, and that's a GOOD photo of Brewski!

  • BeefHardcake

    If Jan Brewer were that interested in keepin' those durned furriners out of Arizona, she'd just sit on the border in a lawn chair. Anyone wanting to cross would see that sour, wrinkled old anus-face of hers and run in the opposite direction.

  • Thunderclees

    "Nulluhfucation tuhday, nulluhfucation tomorrah, nulluhfucation fo'evah!"

  • smitallica

    I never thought that the term "hateful cunt" could fall short of my feelings for someone.

  • DahBoner

    But how will Mexicans learn how to drive like Real Americants?

  • Naked_Bunny

    Remember how Brewer and pals were all "We're just enforcing federal law" last year? That excuse sure didn't last long.

  • tessiee

    Nice outfit.
    But isn't Arizona awfully hot to wear leather?

  • tessiee

    You'd have a perpetually pissed-off look on your face, too, if you lived somewhere that was so hot that you never got a chance to wear your fur coat made out of Dalmatian puppies.

  • tessiee

    Shorter Jan Brewer: "Obama isn't the boss of ME!"

  • tessiee

    OK, cheap shot, I know, but Jan Brewer looks like a chewed-up pencil.

  • not that Dewey

    That's not a photo of Jan Brewer. It's actually an hour-long video of her answering a debate question.

  • tessiee

    "Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed an executive order on Wednesday directing state agencies to deny drivers licenses and other public benefits to anyone benefiting from President Barack Obama’s ‘deferred action’ immigration policy."

    Ironically, they DID build the roads.

  • Isyaignert

    How'd you like to wake up to that face every day?

  • annettaj

    I think the putrid cow got radiation poisoning from her old job doing something that
    actually wasn't evil.

  • walterhwhite

    Too bad Walter White took out Gus. We could use Gus right now to make Jan Brewer disappear. Hey, maybe he can sic Mike on her. It's only a hop-skip-and-jump from NM to AZ.

  • walterhwhite

    Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, why the long face, Jan?

  • JCE1985

    Every morning, while she bathes in absinth, Gov Jan Brewer wears her tri-cornered hat and repeats the phrase "Under God" over and over again. It's then that she leaves for the office, but not before scolding the undocumented workers who tend to her yard.

  • thefrontpage

    Non-humor alert:

    The current "governors" of Arizona, Louisiana, Mississippi, South Carolina, Maine, Wisconsin, Florida, Utah, Alabama, Virginia, Texas and New Jersey simply represent, collectively, one of the absolute worst collection of moronic, idiotic, ignorant, hateful, discriminatory, stupid, dumb, out-of-it, backwards, redneck, anitquated, racist, homophobic, psycho-religious, biased, prejudiced, slanted and uneducated stinking pile of shitty officials ever to collectively run several states in the history of the United States. That is a fact.

  • ttommyunger

    I would say that the Crypt-Keeper does not look pleased; but as it turns out that is her happy face, having just observed a Brown being Drawn & Quartered.