you didn't bake that

Did The Secret Service Thank This Wingnut Baker For ‘Standing Up’?

EhhBy now many of you are familiar with the story of the greatest motherfucking American of all time, Chris McMurray, the Virginia bakery owner who turned down a requested stop from Vice President Biden yesterday over President Obama’s “YOU DINNT BUILD THAT” comment. He did build it, see! He makes cupcakes and stuff, with his wife, at Crumb and Get It. (McMurray/Santelli ’16?) Anyway, there’s a side detail reported in one version of this story that is now all over the conservative papers and the Drudge Report. According to the Washington Examiner, the “Secret Service officers associated with Vice President Joe Biden bought a pile of cupcakes from the baker who refused to host Biden at his shop — and they did so out of gratitude.” Maybe they did! Maybe they didn’t? Because making personal political statements against the people you’re on duty to protect doesn’t seem to be in the Secret Service agent job description; it would be a strange risk to take.

Here’s the detail as reported by the local WDBJ news station. The sourcing seems questionable, since there is no source whatsoever:

Here’s the back story, we’re told that shortly after Crumb and Get It told Biden’s advance people ‘no’ — the secret service walked in and told Chris McMurray ”Thanks for standing up and saying ‘no’ — then they bought a whole bunch of cookies and cupcakes.

Maybe they just bought things for the inconvenience of having to be interrupted by an advance team? Or maybe they actually said it! Paging supervisor…

[WDBJ via Washington Examiner]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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405 comments

  1. rockyoumonkeys

    Didn't happen. Hookers in foreign lands I'll believe. This, not so much. This clown might have said no to Biden, but anything that happened after that was a little daydream he had in his head afterwards.

        1. bibliotequetress

          Pig fuckers and Moonies!! Can we now get our invites to the mass beastiality weddings the DOMA twits warned about?

    1. CthuNHu

      Ah, the old Chik-Fil-A gambit:

      "Crumb and Get It" in Radford had to shut down at 1:15 p.m. Thursday because they ran out of food.

      1: Be asshole.
      2: Brag about it.
      3: Profit!!!

      1. viennawoods13

        Great comment from a local on that link:
        "No one likes this family; they are media whores; they are always out to play the sympathy card. Yes I respect him for standing up for his beliefs, but he fact that hes a McMurray screws that."

    2. Not_So_Much

      At least he stopped with cupcakes and didn't go on about how he went ninja on their asses and punched one of them so hard that Ol' Joe threw up.

      1. tessiee

        "As soon as we get there, I'm gonna take that gun off him, and then wipe the floor with him" — Bernie X, "Confessions of a NYC Cab Driver"

    3. PsycWench

      I have actually eaten there and it's nothing special. This happened…it's in all the local news… but it probably delayed the inevitable closure by a month. They may have gotten some local wing nuts but they've alienated 80% of the Radford University faculty.

      1. MittBorg

        You make me so very happy. Not because I wish them ill. But because there is hope for this country if people this small and hateful feel a backlash from their community for their small and hateful acts.

        1. PsycWench

          I promise to post the link when they close. My prediction is sometime next summer. Radford is a college town and it clears out in May. A business that wants to stay can't be pissing off the faculty.

          1. miss_grundy

            I lived in a small college town once upon a time, and you can't piss off the faculty or staff of a university and think you will stay in business, let alone pissing off the student population.

            And by giving the finger to the VP you are only showing everyone that you are a stupid asshat.

          2. MittBorg

            Some of the comments on that site seemed to indicate that the owner and his wife aren't the pure-as-the-driven-snow types people seem to think they are. FWIW, Mr. Cookieman claims membership in the Hokie People. Too perfect.

          1. MittBorg

            Where have you been, you demon child? (Kisses the ginger head fondly)

            Are the boys not leaving you alone long enough to get any vituperating done?

    1. smokefilledroommate

      Dude declined to host Biden at his stupid fucking bakery, Secret Service agents then allegedly bought an assload of baked goods from said bakery to support bakery asshole's decision.

      1. Baconzgood

        Maybe I'm not drunk enough yet. But I don't see this as news. I don't think the Secrete Service has political issues regarding the people they protect.

        1. MissTaken

          That's why it's obviously a bs story. Maybe the Secret Service agents were hungry and decided to buy some some cookies and cupcakes, but the whole "thanks for standing up and saying no" line smells fishy.

          1. SorosBot

            It seems more likely that Joe really wanted some motherfuckin' cupcakes, and so sent the agents to get them for him after the asshole owner refused.

          2. sullivanst

            Seems more likely a couple of guys in suits bought some cupcakes, this guy posted about it in WND comments, the other commenters were all like "dude, those guys were totally Secret Service, fershure" and also like "thanks for standing up", and his poor little deranged brain got a confuze.

        2. Estproph

          See, the Secret Service is made up of Real Americans, and they resent having to work for a sekrit Muslin alein commonist soshilust facist neeeeeeeegra and his pet white man. So they secretly went afterwards to his business because Uncle Joe would have them sent to Siberia if he knew, because it would be a public insult and derail the eeevul worldwide Commonist conspiracy to take away all our guns and make us sleep with lesbians if word got out.

          1. ElPinche

            Well , I get this sort of comment all the time: "You should have been there Pinche! Victoria Jackson showed up and blew a donkey. "

        3. miss_grundy

          I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of the secret service were republicans and tea tards since most of these guys leave the military and sign up for duty in this agency. Considering how they act in foreign countries, I wouldn't be surprised if they did do this. It shows they have no respect for themselves or others.

          1. tessiee

            I don't know what sort of screening process they use when hiring Secret Service agents, but you'd have to be a weapon-quality dumb-ass to speak badly about your famous boss in public. I'd like to think anybody that stupid got ruled out long before they had a chance of getting hired to protect the President and Vice-President.

            I think Estproph had it right — people like the asshole baker think that military and Secret Service personnel all hate Obama, just like he does, because they're by-God Real Amurricans [tm]! They thought that about Clinton, too.

  2. arduinohacker

    Giving the Secret Service the benefit of the doubt, maybe going there would have been a big headache for the Secret Service, like maybe the place is between a crack house and a firing range? Just guessin'. Otherwise, they shouldn't have done that.

    1. just_a_head

      That's what I was thinking. "thanks for saying no [so I didn't have to stand in back alley inhaling your overflowing dumpster for three hours.]"

      Thanks for saying no and making it easier to add you to our watch list.

      Thanks for saying no, bc the Vice-Pres has wicked lactose-intolerant gas and I don't want to stand behind that.

      The Secret service would never talk shit on a protectee like that. It increases the chance of some wing nut thinking he's got a better chance at hurting him. Therefore increasing the chance of a SSA getting shot.

  3. IonaTrailer

    Were these the same Secret Service douches who wouldn't pay the hooker in Colombia?

    "…..a single mother from Colombia who makes a living as a high-priced escort faced off in a room at the Hotel Caribe a week ago over how much he owed her for the previous night’s intercourse. “I tell him, ‘Baby, my cash money,’ ” the woman said in her first public comments on a dispute that would soon spiral into a full-blown scandal." NYT

    1. kittensdontlie

      That's why sir Williard of Mittens, only eats the tops of cupcakes. Those momma jeans don't fit just right on their own.

          1. kittensdontlie

            Rafalca's flawed Olympic performance was attributed to stumpcake hips. I'm just sayin'…

  4. BornInATrailer

    Please. SS Advance Team? They only stopped in because they misread the name as Cum and Get It.

  5. MissTaken

    then they bought a whole bunch of cookies and cupcakes.

    'Cookies and Cupcakes' is the Secret Service code name for Colombian hookers.

    1. kittensdontlie

      In the first place, bringing the Secret Service to a state with the motto 'Virginia is for Lovers', is pure lunacy, and adding baked goods in the mix, well that is just like icing on the cake….errr…cupcake.

  6. ph7

    Wingnuts have a weird belief that anyone who owns a gun must hate Obama. Sort of like the white dude who thinks you'll enjoy his racist joke because, you know, you're a white guy, too.

    1. CthuNHu

      This.

      And, "anyone who works for someone must hate his employer."

      Still, it seems to click with the gun-toting employer-resenting racist demographic.

      1. MittBorg

        Hey, I hate my employer, and I own a gun (two, actually), and I LERVE Obama.

        Oh, shit, did I break the stereotype? (hangs head in shame, scuttles off)

          1. MittBorg

            Yes, I do. They belonged to a friend of mine who died of kidney cancer. He gave them to me so his wife wouldn't have to worry about disposing of them (she doesn't like guns).

          2. Designer_Rants

            My wife found a revolver and an old box of bullets in a silver pitcher in our kitchen cabinets a few months ago (4 years after we moved into this house). She's an extreme neat freak, too. It was the little cupboards above the refrigerator that no one knows what to do with, so that's probably why.

          3. MittBorg

            The LayDeez, once they have the baybeez they get RLY nervous about guns. Probly just as well, when I consider how many creative ways we discovered to injure and maim each other as kids, in my wild and wicked yoof.

          4. Designer_Rants

            Yeah, especially with my son, I'd better find some even-more creative place to stash it or just get rid of it. Statistically, having a gun in your home means trouble – not "protection".

          5. MittBorg

            As an Ex-Kid, I can assure you, they'll find it no matter how creative you are. God knows we found every single thing our parents tried to keep from us.

          6. mayor_quimby

            I will totally take it off your hands. I live in GA, where it is actually illegal in some counties for the cops to destroy guns in some cases, they HAVE to sell them. So civic duty and whatnot…

  7. yrbmegr

    Well, that's some darn-tootin' reporting, there. I guess, since "the secret service" said it, then it must be true, "we're told". Some people are told that Jody Foster loves them. Others are told that they're Jesus Christ. Perhaps they should report what the voices in MY head are saying.

      1. yrbmegr

        Sometimes they say that Paul Ryan loves me, and I need to free him from the bonds that prevent him from coming to me. But I don't suppose that's worth reporting.

        1. MittBorg

          Oh, hey, man, you totally need to get that out there, b/c Paul Ryan totes looks like he would enjoy a few hours of tied down ass-lashing iwth real whips.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Should I worry? The voices in my head whisper about cupcakes, Nigella Lawson and religious experience.

      1. yrbmegr

        I wouldn't worry. But I think your voices are far more interesting and entertaining than these "secret service" voices the reporter keeps hearing.

  8. Baconzgood

    See, this is why I think this is a lie. Why would the Secret Service be NOT protecting the VP to get cookies?

  9. johnnyzhivago

    My understanding is they bought the cupcakes and then shoved them up Chris McMurray's fat ass. Then they told him "thanks for standing still"

    But then that's just my understanding.

          1. foxypuppet

            Ooh- do you suppose he's guarding Romney's tax returns, & somehow Handsome Joe heard about that…?

  10. elviouslyqueer

    Judging from the look of Examiner "Commentary Writer" Joel Gehrke, I'd lay odds this entire story is something he conjured up after being dick-slapped across the lips the night before.

  11. Baconzgood

    Crumbs and Get It? Is that supposed to be witty? Can someone think of a better name than that for me. At least Tammy Fey Bakery would be better.

  12. Blunderthing

    But he has NOTHING on the motherfucking pterodactyl, here to tear you a new….asshole. It's an oatmeal thing. Look it up with your goooooogle powers. "Motherfucking pterodactyl"+"Oatmeal". Do it. Do it.

    1. UnholyMoses

      As my son would tell you in excruciating detail, there's no such thing as a pterodactyl. There's a genus called "Pterodactylus," but no actual animal called any such thing.

      /flying reptile pedant

          1. OzoneTom

            Oh yeah, absolutely!

            Not to mention, Beverly D'Angelo, Brion James, Barry Humphries, Stephen McHattie — and it's from Troma.

    1. zippy_w_pinhead

      the comments section is hilarious, makes Drudge and Fox Nation look positively sane in comparison

      1. ChillBill

        I'm pretty sure that the comments on the KKK board are pretty "hilarious" as well, but that doesn't mean that I'm about to visit that site.

        1. zippy_w_pinhead

          I admit I went just to poke them with a stick a couple times and watch them get huffy and indignant. And i learned that I'm a nasty libby who looks like a clown…

        1. PsycWench

          Oh, that part is bullshit. It's the right-winger's favorite part, though, so it will live on forever.

  13. finallyhappy

    The Examiner is a rightwing giveaway piece of crap. I only take a copy at the Metro because I don't want to be rude to the low paid (always Black- bet they hate the paper too) people who give it out. During the last election, the Examiner was claiming a huge circulation number in Editor and Publisher(whatever that now defunct thing was called)- and every afternoon when I'd leave work- I 'd see mounds of Examiners never given out in the morning and more when I got to Silver Spring

    1. MittBorg

      You sound like me, not wanting to hurt the feelings of the people on the bottom of the heap. I always take whatever they're handing out, poor things. Then I try to sneak it into the nearest recycling can. The worst part is, I feel *guilty* about trashing the handout. I have no sense of guilt whatsoever about picking on Repigs in public. And no, I can't reconcile these opposite positions. Sigh.

      1. viennawoods13

        I make an exception for the fuckers working in the Windows Registry phone scam salt mines. I call them fucking cocksuckers before I slam down the phone.

        1. MittBorg

          Awright, ya got me. I have been very very mean to Help staff occasionally. I think I have three or four incarnations as a cockroach scheduled for that.

          1. Harrison Wintergreen

            I think VW13 was talking about telemarketers, not help staff. I'm kind to both: I don't abuse help desk people for what is after all not their fault, and I hang up on telemarketers without even letting them get to the end of their introduction. Why waste their time?

          2. James Michael Curley

            When I get a real person doing the telemarketing I try to be tolerant unless they get persistent. I had to do that myself in a much leaner life – selling CLE programs to lawyers.

            These automated messages that say "Press One to be connected … " I press one and hold it down until the call either disconnects or I get that shrill 'scream' from some connections.

            I wish I had a better memory or I would use some of the old phone technician pass codes from years ago like the one which shuts off a line from the central office so it can be loop tested. Alas I have forgotten them.

          3. viennawoods13

            I'm not even talking about telemarketers- the Windows Registry thing is an out and out scam designed to steal money from stupid people. I'm nice to most people on the phone (my first job was doing telephone surveys), but I draw the line at criminal activity.

  14. Mittens Howell, III

    And Yeah, the Lord approved.

    And for forty days and nights he rained cupcakes and snicker-doodle cookies down on the lowly peoples, and Mitt Romney rejoiced and refused to release his tax returns, thus pleasing the Lord mightily.

    1. foxpuppet

      And then on the 41st day, the Crumb & Get it bakery finally had to close because they could not compete with the Lord's free & delicious baked goods.

  15. SmutBoffin

    "…and then, after the Secret Service agents left, Sarah Palin came in! Yeah! She said 'You are so brave, Wingnut Baker, and I want to reward you in the best way I can. With gun-loving right wing grandma sex!'

    True story."

      1. MittBorg

        Lucky for you, that special someone won't notice because she's many cities away. Although I have been reliably informed that she can make you sweat just by saying "boob."

        1. Fare la Volpe

          A friend of mine brought his seven-month-old son over to my house this afternoon so I could play with him and coo like a pigeon for a few hours. When our lady friend arrived, the babe immediately stopped looking at me, stared right at her chest, and gave her the winningest poo-eating grin he could muster.

          He's his father's son fer sure.

          1. MittBorg

            Yeah, they know where the milk bar is, fer shure. I'm surprised the kid didn't just reach over and grab a handful. My friend's daughter used to grab her mom's tit, look right at us and announce, "Daddy is a boy, Imaan is a girl, and Mommy is a tit," right before helping herself to lunch.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      "…and then, after the Secret Service agents left, Sarah Palin came in! Yeah! She said 'You are so brave, Wingnut Baker, and I want to reward you in the best way I can. With gun-loving right wing grandma sex! Are you game?"

      He said, "I sure am, baby!"

      And she shot him.

  16. comrad_darkness

    Did the cupcake man build the street in front of his business? Because if he did I see a pothole he needs to fix on google streetview . . .

  17. fartknocker

    When the Girl Scouts bring me my annual box of Trefoils I always thank them for their service and remind them they should behave as proud patriots.

  18. upthruster

    I bet their hoping for a Chick Fil'A type of line up around their business…they better start scooping that cookie dough out of the pail faster.

    1. MittBorg

      Just lookit how that Bot is gettin' all possessive on ya, girl. They always say they just want to warm the tip. Next thing you know, they've moved in and are washing their underroos in your sink.

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Thanks for standing up and saying ‘no’

    The secret service then leaned over, gave a wink, and said "And, if you want to take a little pot shot at the President, we won't get in the way."

  20. DonnyKerabotsos

    You forgot to plagiarize this part of the story, Washington Examiner:

    When "Crumb and Get It" said 'no', “River City Grill,” just around the corner, said 'yes' and has the pictures to prove it, and didn't care about the politics.
    "If you want to throw in some libertarians as well that's fine too. Stop in as well,” Chris Bell said. “Just bring your money. Sure, right!"

    Now THAT is a businessman! Sure, right!

    1. HistoriCat

      I just looked at River City Grill's menu. If the Secret Service gets to eat a little something at the places Biden visits, they probably were thrilled to switch out the bakery for the grill – yum!

      1. MittBorg

        Someone should tell him DNA doesn't have roots. Those rooty things are usually known as "plants," and in fact, Mr. McMurray might have gotten a little too familiar with some of their ilk, judging from the way he's talking.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Love means never having to say you're sorry for dissing the Veep (and humbly making sure the press knew all about it) because of something the Prez said that's so clearly delineated by his preceding and following sentences that no honest fifth grader could fail to understand.

      We heathens need more instruction in righteousness from this merchant of confectionery compassion.

  21. AnAmericanInTO

    I call bogus. This is clearly viral marketing for Julia Louis-Dreyfuss' VEEP. There were similar plotlines about a Secret Service agent who makes an ill-timed laugh at the expense of the VP and an ice cream parlor where a photo op is planned but it goes in the shitter.

    1. Lot_49

      Or the fearless journosaur who invented broke this important story got his television viewing mixed up with his perception of reality. Everybody knows that's how Bernstein came up with Watergate.

  22. SorosBot

    Well the Washington Examiner is a perfectly cromulent news source, almost as trustworthy as Pravda or the Weekly World News.

  23. CthuNHu

    And then Michelle Obama and Jill Biden, they came in, and, like, they totally made out with each other, and then they said, hey, you wanna join in, cause we hate our husbands, and you do too, so we totally wanna do you, and I'm like, okay, and, like, we did it, and it was really good, they were like, ooh, baker-man, you're so big, you're so much better than barack, and they both totally licked frosting off my moobs, and they said they'd call me later cause I was so good. Yeah.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, and he made the electricity, piped in his own water and manufactured his own oven gas right on the premises – this is some macho crazy person…. oh, and he don't need no police nor firefighters so KEEP OUT!!!!….

      1. tessiee

        "manufactured his own oven gas right on the premises"

        by eating his own products? Because that's got sort of a cycle of life quality to it.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    Well after the cupcake guy stood up to Evil Joe Biden, it was awfully nice of Biden's socialist government-funded security detail to stop in and spend their hard-earned government dollars on pastries and such.

  25. zippy_w_pinhead

    The only thing missing from missing from this story are the email addresses from thousands of elderly AOL users who don't know how to properly forward a chain email and the "verified by Snopes" disclaimer at the bottom

  26. carlgt1

    hmm, and today there's also this story of an Obama campaign event catered by a guy with a Rmoney T-shirt saying "I built this business." Of course, the Obama staffers just ignored the guy, whereas I'm sure a Tea Party event (with a liberal caterer) the guy would have been kicked with jackboots (and stomped on the head if a female caterer)….

      1. horsedreamer_1

        My favourite songs are "Vote the Blue Sky", "Vote with Butterfly Wings", & "Washington Votes".

        But my favourite album is We Have the Facts (& we're bulleting yes).

    1. viennawoods13

      My favorite: "Found several red pubic hairs(which I did not order) in my ice cream. I showed them to the suspiciously red-headed manager, but he refused to refund my money. Will not eat there again unless I'm really in the mood for ice-cream and everywhere else is closed."

    2. Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, because those university students aren't subsidized and can only eat on campus….

    3. CrunchyKnee

      I just left one. "I was going to stop by, but all the roads to the place were built by the government. Screw that. I'll stop by when this great American builds a private road to his establishment."

      1. CrunchyKnee

        Yelp deleted my comment, and were quite rude about it too. I guess they frown on people commenting on an establishment they haven't been to. I did get a funny hate mail from a tea bagger lady though, so it was worth it.

        She called me and Obama n*ggers. So much love.

        1. bikerlaureate

          You know they're just lousy with truth and integrity when they go to the trouble of sending racial slurs. Maybe she's a Sunday School teacher?
          I only wish we were as righteous and morally upstanding as these real Americans.
          (sniffle)

        2. IonaTrailer

          I got 2 hate emails so far. Totally worth the few seconds of "wow" – how fucking dumb are these people?

      1. IonaTrailer

        Check this out – a reply from another Yelper:
        You have a new message

        Hi Iona,

        Jansen R. has sent you a message on Yelp:

        Clever
        "You probably do live in a trailer with your pure classlessness in all of your reviews. It isn't cute and you are officially an idiot. Don't breed lest you fill the world with more stupidity. Replying to this message ensures your address will be posted. Choose wisely."

        1. IonaTrailer

          Hi -Yeah, what a bunch of wankers. I'm going to just keep making up email addresses and posting bad reviews. These people apparently weren't born with the critical thinking gene. All the best – and keep fighting!!!!!!!Go Obama!Julie

  27. zippy_w_pinhead

    I'm glad to see the wingnuts have found a fitting dessert, a nice cupcake for when they're done gorging on Chick-Fil-A

    1. MittBorg

      At this rate, we should have the population problem, the obesity problem, and the IQ problem solved tout suite!

      And we won't even need votes.

  28. glamourdammerung

    Yeah, the Secret Service really appreciates morons that wind up the crazies so much that they went and bought crap from them.

  29. AncienReggie

    Shouldn't these cop-type guys be buying donuts? I mean really, cupcakes? This whole story smells kinda sketchy.

  30. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Not that the Secret Service guys are all rocket scientists, but I'm pretty sure they know that the whole "You didn't make that" story is standard-issue out-of-context GOP horseshit. Which means this whole story is just more standard-issue GOP horseshit.

    News for Mitt: we can smell it from here.

  31. Guppy

    So long as the purchase was made on personal time and with personal funds, who cares either way? Or is the Secret Service allotted their own Electoral College votes now?

    Is this like the extra-special, double secret voting rights The Troops have in Ohio?

  32. Eve8Apples

    If the owners actually turned down a visit from the Vice President of the United States during an election year, their business is doomed to fail. They would have received more free advertising in that one Vice Presidential visit than they could afford to buy during their entire lifetime.

    1. mavenmaven

      The owner, a right wing pastor, already has Sean Hannity on his twitter links, so he looks like he's handling his publicity cynically well.

  33. MadBrahms

    So just how many tax credits and subsidized small business loans do we think our dear Mr. McMurray has taken over the years?

    1. Steverino247

      There in nought, nor ought there be, nothing so exalted on the face of God's great Earth, as that Prince of Foods, the Muffin.

      (I only regret that there was no little green rosetta atop the Costco muffin I just ate.)

      1. Steverino247

        Sorry for sucking up all the Zappa references. From now on, I'll only use 13% of them. Trust me.

  34. Blueb4sinrise

    Mittens read this and had staffers prepare a white-paper on the difference between donuts and cupcakes.

      1. MittBorg

        Presumably, the owner realized that a cavalcade of cookies would follow and opted for the wiser choice of silence in the face of chocolate chips and crumbs.

        1. bikerlaureate

          "Cavalcade of cookies" is one of the most appetizing things I've read this week. It wouldn't make a bad blog name either.

          1. viennawoods13

            Sorry, honey. I fought off the desire, since I'm trying to do low-carb and cookies do NOT qualify. Instead I prepared eggplant for freezing.

          2. MittBorg

            Dammit! Everybody's on some kinda health kick these days.

            Er, hm, or dead. I guess I should say "or dead," shunt I? Yoghurt it is, then.

  35. joshleefolsom

    I have trouble resolving the person who says his philosophy of life is love your neighbor as yourself, then refuses to share credit for success with the vast array of people that contributed to it. Frankly, I find it unpatriotic, too. By the way, I heard he cums in the cookie dough while looking at a picture of Famous Amos.

  36. BZ1

    Calling BS here. The shop owner may be another person who doesn't understand where his electricity comes from, but the Secret Service doesn't make their boss look bad.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Now that's just going too far. You ruined the joke.

      Of course the shop owner knows that electricity comes from sockets.

      (Rearden Metal is probably inside them)

  37. MonkeyMotion

    The Fantasy, Part 2

    And then another bakery defied Biden. The oppressed masses rejoiced. Then, sensing their growing power, rebelled and shouted from the rooftops: "We shall overthrow the muslim, kenyan, socialist, communist Obama and his nazi thugs who are stealing our guns and freedoms…" A glorious bloodbath ensued.

    After the executions — in Jesus' name — peace and harmony returned to the shining nation on the hill, blah, blah, blah….Ronald Reagan. The End.

    1. MittBorg

      I would've attacked him too for defending homophobia. At least he still *had* a heart. Although, come to think of it, that might not have been such a good thing.

    2. PubOption

      Worked for a fast food company and died of a heart attack. If was a good Christian he would know that bible verse about reaping what you sow.

  38. Chichikovovich

    “Speaking of small businesses and entrepreneurs all across this country and actually last night my wife was up all night. No sleep, she's worked a full 24 hours."

    I'm not surprised. The poor woman had to repair all the roads her customers use, and that are used to bring the flour to their bakery, generate the electricity for the street lights and maintain them, patrol the streets with other members of the businesspeople's peace officer's militia, do her shift at the ad-hoc replacement FDA lab ensuring that the the raw material they use for cooking is poison free,…..

    Really, they should have located in someplace where the government did those things.

    1. Steverino247

      “Speaking of small businesses and entrepreneurs all across this country and actually last night my wife was up all night. No sleep, she's worked a full 24 hours."

      Which one gave her a quarter?

    2. Extemporanus

      Hey there, Cupcake!

      Could you kindly clarify what your "What Chet said." comment meant? It bothers me to think that you and he — whom I both revere — would dismissively think, after all these years, that I was actually being serious.

      (Shorter: "You didn't mean that!")

      1. Chichikovovich

        Hi Extemp. Sorry I didn't reply earlier – I was away from Wonkette and email for several hours and only now realized you had asked me a question.

        I'm not sure how to address the question of whether I thought you were "serious" because it's inherent in irony/sarcasm/etc. that the boundary between serious and joking can be blurred. But of course I recognized that your comment was an allusion to a post from many months ago in which Rebecca laid out some rather mild rules that evidently struck many people here as offensive. And of course, I realized too that the "rules" you listed were not put forward as things you strictly speaking believed but rather were part of what struck me as a heavy-handed effort to mock Rebecca's original post. [Or "satirize Rebecca" to use the phrase you deployed in a follow-up comment.] This is a topic that, to my taste, long ago passed the point of having been done to death.

        1. CapnFatback

          I DECLARE AN END ON THE "RULES FOR COMMENTING RADICALS" MEME.

          SIGNED,

          CZAR OF THE INTERNETS.

          1. Chichikovovich

            ? Czar of the internets?
            Why the shouting and the heavy-handed sarcasm, CapnFatback? I'm just a poster here, with no authority to ban, or suspend others from posting, or in fact to do anything but express my opinion.

            In my opinion, the "Rules for Commenting Radicals" theme long ago became tired and banal. Furthermore, also in my opinion, since the humour in that vein was mined out long ago, the only motivation for revisiting it is as an expression of petty, low-grade hostility.

            If you feel that the theme is still a source of fresh, sharp hilarity, or (what seems to me more likely) if you recognize that there are no unforced laughs remaining to be extracted there but you are OK with the simmering hostility, perhaps even in favour of it, then you are free to post as you wish, irrespective of any opinions I may have.

          2. CapnFatback

            Why the shouting and the heavy-handed sarcasm, CapnFatback?

            Check the URL at the top of the page. When in Rome . . .

            Okay, a close reader may sift through X's posts and understand that he regularly dredges up old memes and one-offs that curried the favor of the day and re-purposes them. Over the years, he seems to have assumed the dual role of Wonkette historian/restorative artist. Interpreting his latest take on the "Rule for Commenting Radicals" as being motivated simply by "simmering hostility" seems short-sighted and condescending.

            Old (and not really all that old: note that the "Rules" post is all of five months old, while "All of them Katie" is going on four years strong) texts get re-visited–especially old provocative texts. ESPECIALLY old provocative texts that are written in a heavy-handed, condescending tone by a person who had newly taken on the mantle of power and was still being felt out by the plebes. As much as I agreed with the sentiment of "Rules"; it touched a nerve. There was a firestorm. Then a shitstorm. Then a storm of Banhammers, followed by a world drinking tour. Maybe some want to let bygones be bygones and to forget the unpleasantness (I'm not going to try to guess your motivation). Others like to poke the bear of memory and ridicule the bad times. Suum cuique pulchrum est.

            If you feel that the theme is still a source of fresh, sharp hilarity, or (what seems to me more likely) if you recognize that there are no unforced laughs remaining to be extracted there but you are OK with the simmering hostility, perhaps even in favour of it, then you are free to post as you wish, irrespective of any opinions I may have.

            See, a real czar wouldn't allow me to continue to post without penalty! Not you–you're letting me do my thing. So my original czar comment suggests that either

            1) I am stupid and do not know what "czar" denotes and connotes
            2) I was being hysterical and overreacted to your comment
            3) I was making a snide comment on a Site O' Snark.

            I'm truly not spoiling for a fight, Chichikovovich, and believe me when I say that I hold your intellect and meditations in high esteem. But as a fellow pedant, I feel I have license to point out that you're being a tad, well, pedantic.

            Here's my actual take on the "Rules" meme: I don't know what motivated X to riff off of it, but I see it as busting chops. One of the neatest aspects in my relationships with my closest friends is that we give each other shit for past mistakes. Repeatedly. There's a comfort in recognizing that such needling isn't always mean-spirited–it can a sign of a healthy bond.

            Incidentally, I do find it funny that in your original comment, you seconded Chet's "Oh for fuck's sake," which, for my own, bourgeoisie taste, has long run its course. I feel lousy admitting so now, for who the hell am I to say? Still, iron(y) has a strong magnetic pull.

            Cheers,

            The Good Cap'n

          3. MittBorg

            (Hugs you fervently) You are all my most dearly beloved, and I hope you have now gotten it all out of your systems. Because I love you all very much. I understand there's still a bit of a simmer. That's OK. Even letting it out is OK. Just don't beat each other bloody is all I'm saying.

            Who are you to say? You are my dearly loved Cap'n Fatback.

          4. Mumbletypeg

            Wanna hear somethin' *else*? I agree with all and none of it!! Haha — nay, I agree w/ some of everybody's. Unlike Capn, I still laugh when Chet or others go "Oh For Fucks Sake" at the receiving of something they're naming absurd. And! As for Extemp's original joke: it had been soooo long since I'd given any thought to those rules-that-came-saw-and-conquered-but-not-without-a-fight? that I almost missed the point of Extem's joke.
            I want us to be able to agree to disagree — yet snark begets snarky attitude, and when we take snarkful aim within the poop joke circle, ALBEIT a vastly overeducated multilayered-thinking worldly wise poopjoke circle? inevitably folks are gonna overthink stuff and react and whatnot, myself not excluded, and complicate the dance of comprehension, non? Like see here: I started with a premise and ended up with a 1000 conclusions, I overthink which is o.k., but overwriting is not.. Anyways, next time I'll just get in line for a hug~

          5. MittBorg

            (Hugs you too) You deserve a hug for such a rational response. We're all gonna disagree periodically, and we're gonna fight and we're even gonna get mad at each other and feel all hatey. Big kids know how to do all that and still get along.

          6. CapnFatback

            You wouldn't get offended, my friend, if I call your posts "the brownies and milk of the comment thread," will you? Cuz consuming them makes me feel good–must be all the sugar.

          7. MittBorg

            Hey, there, Cap'n. I wouldn't be offended in the least. I'm sure you've noticed that there are individuals on Wonketz who have called me worse, and I still love 'em and hug 'em (Yes, I DO mean you, and you know who you are).

            Am I being too fucking saccharine? I spent most of the morning stomping on Paul Ryan's huevos, if that makes anyone (except Paul Ryan) feel better? Anyway, if I don't comment on Wonketz for a while, pls let everybody know that Paul Ryan had me taken out. Or Mitt. I've been beating on Mitt pretty hard, too. (Hugs the Capn)

          8. MittBorg

            Dude, I'm good with everybody unless I see evidence that they're bashing. I'm just not seeing anything here, except that maybe Chichikovovich, whom I love dearly, is feeling tetchy. I have no problem with his need to say what he said. It's better to say those things out loud than to let them fester. But I don't have a problem with anyone else replying in kind, either. All I'm asking is that all my beautiful, brilliant Wonketteerz remember that if WE can't get along and make this little community pleasant for ALL of us, we're being pretty fucking unrealistic in expecting that of the macrocosm out there. I love you. I hug you. If you do hateful shit to other people, I'll protest you. Other than that, we is SO fucking good.

          9. Chichikovovich

            [Comment needed to be split in two]
            Thanks MB, for your kind affection and for the word "tetchy", which had somehow escaped my active vocabulary all these years. I will be using it often in the years to come. It's good to have you here to spread the love, in addition to all the information about Hindi singers etc.

            As the years zip by it's hard to remember as far back as two days ago, but I may well have been feeling tetchy when I wrote the posts in this thread, and the earlier terse "What Chet said" that led to this one. But any tetchitude there may have been was not a cause of the posts, but rather an effect of the same cause that prompted the comments. Since I would hate for my motives to be so opaque that my comments could be chalked up to early onset male menopause, perhaps I should make clear what prompted me to write what I have written.

            I've tried to avoid this kind of skirmish on the board, and I'm going to try to avoid it in the future for many reasons. Mostly I avoid it as a matter of temperament, but also I recognize there are old posting histories that extend long before I came around here, and which have generated animosities and alliances I only have the vaguest sense of. Wading into disputes as ill-informed as I generally am always produces more heat than light. So I should explain why I broke character this time.

            I'm impressed by the energy and dedication with which Rebecca has taken over the editor's mantle. It's a job that requires a lot of work and creativity, and she's not only posted regular, engaging posts but she's retained a talented group of co-editors including, most recently the delightful Dok Zoom, one of our own. She's reached out to the community of bavardeurs and bavardeuses, with the get-togethers that have had a humanizing and warming effect, and reinforced a spirit of comraderie.

            All of us who hang out in this neighborhood take a great deal of pleasure from reading and commenting here. That's why we stay. If it were just the posters themselves making this site the place for us, we could just find or set up an empty bare-bones posting board and move there en bloc. Of course, comments here and there indicate that a small group of regulars have done just that, setting up a board and chat room where they could discuss in-group topics, comment on the character, Wonkette contributions and twitter feeds of commenters outside the in-group, etc. but that's an activity that supplements the main Wonkette rather than substitutes for it. There is a reason why we are precisely here, rather than any of a million other places to post, and that is because of the well-chosen and engagingly written, frequently posted topics from Rebecca and the other editors that Rebecca coordinates.

            As I've said, creating this framework for an active community of commenters takes hard work and commitment. And though she hasn't released the tax returns we've demanded, I expect that the financial compensation is meagre relative to the time and effort the board requires. Since I derive a lot of pleasure and even emotional reward from participating in this place, I'm grateful to Rebecca for all she has done and continues to do. As a corollary to this, I'm put into a sour mood when I detect a kind of background rumble of ingratitude over this or that minor insult or trivial real or perceived affront or whatever [insert gripe here] that Rebecca is claimed to have issued.

          10. Chichikovovich

            [Part ii]
            It has seemed to me over the last few months, that much of this low-grade carping has been encoded into stale references to Rebecca's dreadèd "Rules for Commenting Radicals" post. (As I've noted, the Rules post was not the style of self-introduction that I would have counseled, were I her spiritual advisor or personal shopper.) As I observed in my reply to his long comment, CapnFatback acknowledges this point, though unlike me he doesn't have a problem with it. (Though he would observe in return that the expression "low-grade carping" is tendentious and loaded, and he'd certainly be right about that, I won't argue there.) [Footnote: I should acknowledge that CptnFB subsequently qualified what he said in his original long post.] And hence my reaction to the original Extemp post, which could have been expressed more clearly and less gnomically as " 'Ostie tabarnak not this shit again. Let it go, already!"

            I felt confirmed in my original diagnosis of the motive power behind the Extemp post and similar ones not just by CptnFB's acknowledgement but also by a curious absence – though CptnFB responded with two long, thought-out comments and a familiar commenters added satellite observations, and the point was made that in principle such "chops-busting" can be harmless fun against a background of explicit and reciprocally acknowledged esteem, friendship and good will, no one among the participants in the thread rushed forward to say that in fact this was such a harmless, playful instance, because "Hey, Rebecca is terrific, I love her all to crazy, and the rules stuff was just fluff that we're joshing about and I gladly reaffirm that affection here." This lacuna put me in mind of the Derrida aperçu once fashionable among the literati: absence is a kind of presence.

            So I was heartened by Extemp's response, because he is one of the posters whose ingenuity and wit have given me the most genuine amusement and uplift in the months I've been around here. Against the background of the mutual openly expressed good will and connection that he describes with Rebecca, his post takes on a different tenor altogether. I'm glad to know that I was mistaken to allow that specific Extemp comment to become the crystalizing focus of the process of tetchification.

          11. MittBorg

            My dear Chich, my virtual friend and source of much information, thank you kindly for the explanation (with footnotes and a certain intellectual rigour born of long toil in the mines of academia!). I agree with you on almost everything you have written, in part because I'm an agreeable sort. You owe me no explanation, my friend. I'm aware of the various cross-currents and have chosen to respond in an enlightened-ostrich fashion. I insist on thinking the best of everyone here, I love this community, I will do whatever I can to keep it healthy and alive, and I try to ignore the occasional spit or spat. Like you, I'm here because it makes me happy to be among the like-minded and for dearth of intelligent company IRL (not because they're not around but because I'm a gimp). I'm glad y'all settled it between you because I love each and every one of you. I can't abide injustice, and it seemed to me you were picking on Extem, so I turned that into "tetchy," (and I'm delighted and surprised to have introduced a word into your impressive multilingual vocabulary). As Extem said, we're all good. Or maybe I said it. I'm too old to nurse grudges or judge. Just glad to be here in such stellar company.

            And now, in true pedantic fashion: It's not "Hindi" music, dear. Hindi is the language. The *music,* depending on what you're referring to, is Hindustani music ("stan" means "country," and "Hindustan" just means "that country where the Hindus live." However, I don't think I've ever graced this site with my comments on such, so you're probably referring to Qawwali music, which is NOT Hindustani, but part of a long Islamic tradition. Arabic/Persian in origin, it is the style of music popularized by the descendants of the Moghul conquerors, although these days it's associated more often with the Sufis. (Hugs you most fondly) You're a good soul, Chich. That's way more important to me than anything.

          12. Chichikovovich

            It's good to be on a subject that matters, rather than board stuff. I was talking about the language – though perhaps “music in Hindi” would have been a more apt phrase. I was referring to the time I had asked you what language Mohammed Rafi was singing in the “Jan Pehechaan Ho” song/video; since he is a Muslim I was guessing Urdu. (Careless: I should have taken the time to check the names of the songwriters too.) You told me it was Hindi. Quality information right there – I was immediately one microGauss smarter.*[A "Gauss" is a unit I use to measure knowledge, equal to the amount of information contained in the Disquisitiones Arithmeticae. I realize there are those who use "Gauss" as a measure of magnetic flux density, but they are just confused.]—

          13. MittBorg

            No, no, no, baba, that's NOT Hindi music! That's a WHOLE different category — FILMI music. Swear to god. You can walk down the streets of Mumbai anytime and ask where you can hear "filmi" music, and any one of a thousand obliging souls will send you off to listen to something like Jan Pehechaan Ho. I used to HATE that stuff as a kid, but that song has pretty much converted me.

            So, with Filmi music, the language can be anything, and indeed there is filmi music in Tamil, Gujarati, Urdu, Bangla, and almost every language found in the subcontinent.

            I love this. It was so confusing when I started learning anything about it, and I'm delighted to find it can confuse even one so brilliant as you.

          14. MittBorg

            (Hugs you) I am awed by your intellect, and it pleases me that I can contribute a mite to your enormous fund of knowledge. Absolutely snarkless.

          15. MittBorg

            Ah, WTH, why not? I feel obliged to add a second post, just to, I dunno, keep my hand in (in what we won't say).

            I want to thank you for pointing out (and it does seem to need pointing out to some of the disgruntled) that our Editrix is doing a terrific job of keeping this community a *community.* I was very discombobulated when she took over and it took a while to adjust. But she has kept this place buzzing and it's great to check in at midday and find all the days hot topix covered, instead of a drunken (if greatly appreciated) and hungover Ken posting bitter, bitter screeds that had us all contemplating a quick exit con drogas y armas. So, shout-out to BeccaLou. Herding cats would be WAY easier than keeping us happy.

            Also, too, I'm truly pleased to see so many new people here! We NEED new blood. BWAHAHA.

          16. Chichikovovich

            Personally, of course, I like nothing more than hungover, bitter, bitter screeds. But I'm discovering that Rebecca's brand of sunshine has its virtues too.—

          17. MittBorg

            I love Ken, and will confess to occasionally trudging through the Wonkette archives to read some of his classics. But if you're having a bad day, man … there were a couple of posts from him that had me eyeing the guns with a certain longing. Frankly, I find the sunshine and roses a mite difficult at times. But I can vent my bile elsewhere, and I want BeccaLou to succeed and make lots of munnies because *she's* a good person too, with values very similar to mine own.

          18. Chichikovovich

            Yeah, well, if I were editor you'd look back upon the Layne epoch as the “bouncy, peppy sparkly fun times”. But let a thousand flowers bloom, in the words of the Great Helmsman.—

          19. Chichikovovich

            It's flattering to have prompted such a long comment, and I'll return the compliment with a long comment of my own. Though it seems that most of what you write just agrees with what I wrote, troubling only to give it a different rhetorical spin and affirm a different attitude toward the facts that we appear to have – as the lawyers say – stipulated. I suggested that a substantial motivation for keeping alive a theme that had seemed to me to have exhausted its potential for genuine amusement was as an expression of hostility. And I added that we may differ because you are OK with that expression.

            You respond by pointing out that some overdone themes on Wonkette are even older (very true). And you suggest that to describe the motivation as "simmering hostility" is "short sighted and condescending". That may be true. I'm perfectly prepared to acknowledge that I'm short sighted and condescending – Chichikovna and my optometrist tell me that all the time. And since I'm in an admitting mood, I'm happy to acknowledge that I'm more often pedantic than not. Here I stand pedantic, I can do no other.

            In the continuation, you agree with me in different words, urging that the repetition of the "Rules for" theme is, in your opinion, welcome, because that original post is an "old provocative text[] … written in a heavy-handed, condescending tone by a person who had newly taken on the mantle of power and was still being felt out by the plebes", and which "touched a nerve". You continue, suggesting that it was at least partially causally responsible for "unpleasantness" and "bad times". "

            I myself thought the tone of Rebecca's post was ill-advised, and if I had drafted it I would have said things very differently (and I would have said different things). But I felt then, and I continue to feel, that the howling and caterwauling from some posters was wildly disproportionate, and now, approaching half a year later, verges on petulant. We evidently disagree about that. But no matter, from your reply I gather we agree on the core claim (our disagreement is merely one of our attitude to that claim): The continual resurrection of that theme is generated in large measure by ill-will arising from the original post.

            But I don't see any point in arguing about labels, so I withdraw the description "simmering hostility" and replace it with " emotion (with no, as yet, brief description) felt by a person toward those who have made statements from a position of power that the person regards and openly describes (rightly or wrongly) as "heavy handed" and "condescending", to "touch a nerve" and to be responsible for "unpleasantness" and "bad times". "

            Growing up, I was repeatedly, in a good natured way, called
            "tête-carré" by treasured friends (who I then called "frogs") sufficiently often to be well aware that context is everything when it comes to judging the presence or absence of genuine hostility, or whatever other descriptor you prefer in place of "hostility". This is well-known. But it's also well-known that a certain kind of aggression can mask itself as good-natured "busting chops", with the deniability fallback always available "Hey, it was just a joke!"

            I'm happy to agree that as a vehicle for humour, "Oh, for fuck's sake" has run its course. I was agreeing with it because I took it to express a (non-snark) sentiment with which I agreed. (I don't mean to speak for Chet – perhaps I misunderstood the implicature.) Over-familiarity is no reason to refrain from agreement in a case like that, any more than one would stop using "please pass the salt" on grounds of banality.

          20. CapnFatback

            This is what happens when pedagogues seize the apparatus, isn't it? "Teachers, lecture thine selves!"

            I grant you that there was some, in my estimation, overreaction to the "Rules" post. I think my comments on that thread would suggest so. And I do believe that the seeds of some of the bad behavior that has persisted since then had been sown that day. But I assume that your regarding its persistence as a petulant act to be tied up on the author of the post that perpetuates the meme. How could it not, right? Thus, I wonder: had (picking at random) Dashboard Buddha or starfanglednut posted a parody of the post, would you see it as a childishly defiant act?

            Perhaps we never fully resolved the butthurt from that day. Perhaps there are other things that have rubbed some of us the wrong way. For example, I still believe the move to post evaluation via thumbs (a move that pre-dates Rebecca) has done more damage to this community than good. Perhaps some commenters have been biting their tongues about others. I wouldn't go so far to identify these issues as a "simmering hostility," although there has been some evidence of blatant hostility recently. And I wouldn't say that the bad feelings are within a small core of miscreants (mind you, I'm not putting words in your mouth; I'm just rebuking the idea that it's an issue of a "few bad apples" from the get-go).

            Perhaps–and I might have advocated for this in the past, although I may only have daydreamed about it; daydreaming is quicker and is full of more sex than most of my typing escapades–all this should be addressed in a post where we all have it out. Then again, maybe it's better to keep it at a level where it's merely annoying and not yet a full-blown elephant. All I'm fairly certain is that this place has in many respects gotten less fun me over the last couple of years. That may just be the nature of things, of course. Our interests evolve. Maybe I should take up badminton or decoupage or diddling supermodels.

            By the way, reading your story of "tête-carré" will henceforth make me associate you as the Québécois Charlie Brown.

            I agree that "just a joke" never flies; that jokes are jokes because they shine a light on something. However, we disagree on what filter was used back when X started this all. So be it. Intelligent, witty, devilishly handsome (work with me here), humane people can still disagree. If he wants to weigh in, I suppose he will. (But is he handsome enough?) In the meantime, I'll thank you for meeting me with thoughtful dialectic. Actually, I believe you really drew me into that. Damn, you're good.

            Here's to meeting in more innocuous threads,

            Cap'n

          21. Extemporanus

            I am 6-foot-6 and shockingly handsome ("for serious!") enough to weigh in, thankyouverymuch, and as a matter of fact, I just did!

            (^^^ Just a joke LOL!!1)

            Perhaps some commenters have been biting their tongues about others.

            You have no idea (actually, you probably do.)

            It's precisely because I have been biting my tongue about someone who put words in my mouth, falsely ascribed to me insane accusations, gangbanged me with strawmen, accused me of being someone whom I was not, tried to get me banned, and clearly convinced a not insignificant number of formerly near-and-dear comrades to believe some or all of the aforementioned — all while I mistakenly tried to act like an adult by just walking way without defending myself — that I was perhaps a teensy-weensy bit overly defensive to Chet & Chichi's original replies.

            But I shall continue to bite my tongue, and stew — as I promised that I'd do — for the sake of commenter comity.

            BALLS.

          22. MittBorg

            I want to say right here and now that I know EXACTLY what Extemporanus is talking about, and if anyone wants to go back over old comments, they will too. There are Wonketteers who engage in that kind of petty game-playing. Fortunately, most of you are wonderful people. To Extem, I apologize for having been distracted by a skillful manipulator. You were put in a bad position, my friend. To defend yourself, you would have had to attack a fellow-Wonketteer. I'm very pleased that you didn't, since YOU were the individual who called ME out when I did the same thing, a lesson I took to heart and will never forget: we don't attack our own. Anyway, I don't know if you can ever resolve things with that individual. There is a tremendous ego involved there, and some very unpleasant psychological kinks. But I only wish you well, my friend, now and always.

          23. ✖✖✖

            Good Cap'n, after reading that, I have half a mind to change my handle to "TheDredgeReportanus".

            [CORRECTION: I have half a mind.]

            Much of what you said is spot on: I am not simmering in a low-grade, petty, hostile manner, and though not by design, I suppose that I have ocassionally played the role of lay historian/retardative artiste to some extent. Institutional memory is a fucking valuable thing — you don't just give it away for nothin'…

            I didn't intend to poke any bears, though (Sooo messy!), or bust any chops, or also, too, all of them Katie, for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN — I just left a dumb comment, which I admittedly acknowledged to myself in passing might noogie-esquely ruffle a feather or two, but in an innocent, playful, wriggling around in excrement kind of way.

            Any hoohaw, thanks for all the words 'n' shit, ol' friend…

            ~~~ ~~

        2. Extemporanus

          Hi Chichi. Sorry that I didn't reply earlier, as well — I'm smack dab in the middle of 72 hours of meat world hell, and this is the first chance that I've had to stop back since leaving my above comment.

          Also, sorry for calling you "Cupcake", Sugartits — I was trying to be lighthearted, but upon re-read, it comes across like a douche-y, uncreatively sober Mel Gibson diss. Though I may be a whole inch taller than you, I in no way intended to be belittling, good sir.

          So, about your reply: Thank you very much for giving it, and for doing so in your characteristically thoughtful manner. I may not wholly agree with everything that you said, but I do appreciate and respect your opinion.

          I'm loathe to disassemble the mental mechinizations behind my original comment, because doing so is the comedic equivalent of self-machinegunning, even if said comedic effort was skullfucked to begin with, which maybe it was. That said, I would like to clarify a few things:

          - I agree that "The Rules" were rather mild. They never struck me as offensive, though like you, I did think that they could've been presented in a somewhat less "provocative" manner. (They weren't even really that provocative, mind you — it's just that Rebecca was rather new-ish, and some people were looking for an excuse to pillory the editorial usurper.) I said as much at the time (though in retrospect, perhaps more to Rebecca directly than to the Wonkettariat in general), and more or less tried to keep my few comments on the matter benignly snarky, and gently chide those who didn't.

          - My intention was in no way to mock Rebecca's original post. I'm confident that she knows that I hold her in the highest regard — I've said exactly that in person, comments, and super secret sexxxting sessions (i.e. boring "Tips" emails and whatnot). "Satirizing" was probably the wrong word to use in relation to her (though not in relation to the Republican/Romney "BANNED WORDS" reaction), and in fact, I only added the "& REBECCA" as an afterthought to disabuse any n00bz of the idea that those words were entirely my own.

          - I readily admit that my effort was a bit heavy handed (I pounded it out with my fat, caloused thumbs, after all) — worse than that, it was rather lazy. I wistfully remember a time when I left comments that rivaled yours in word count. Now that mobile devices are my primary means of commentification, I'm lucky if I fire off a half dozen ripostes in a day (or days), and if their length surpasses two lines. Hence, a preponderance of bad puns, quick quips, and crusty call backs. Alas…

          - I didn't have the sense that this topic had been done to death, though I haven't been holed up here as much as I used to be, and may have missed it being just cold murdered. Rebecca herself has referenced it in comments as recently as 2-3 weeks ago, and it's been referred to (though sometimes obliquely) in a number of posts as well. My comment that set the table for this all-you-can-eat word buffet was actually the first time that I'd mentioned it, ever. If anyone previously repurposed "The Rules" in the way that I did, I missed it, and will readily delete mine in the interest of copyright compliance.

          - One last thing, related to the previous point: What I found most bemusing [not the right word, exactly] about Chet's reply and your seconding and subsequent explanation is the fact that he's [in]famous for his awesome, banhammer-bait mockery (since disappeared, sadly) of Layne's "President Obama's Inabililty to Quit Smoking Proves He's Morally Weak" post. That meme continues to be deployed by him and others to this day. [Full disclosure: I too mocked Ken for that post, to his face, though I haven't referenced it for at least a year]. Perhaps it's different because "Rebecca's a riot, Ken's as funny as a crutch" but still…

          - My thumbs hurt.

          - Can't…can't we all get along?

          - BUTTSECKS!!1

          - The End.

          XOXO,
          X

          1. Chichikovovich

            Thanks for taking the time to post, when I gather there isn't a lot of time for you to spare. As I acknowledged in the, well, I don't know, I acknowledged somewhere in all of those words, these things depend on context. Against the background of a good-natured jocular relationship, understood on both sides to be respectful, many things count as innocuous playfulness that would otherwise count as unduly disagreeable and even hostile. If this is the nature of your relationship to Rebecca, it naturally prompts a reevaluation.

            We all seem to be of one mind that the board has seen breakouts of hostility of late, sometimes free-floating, sometimes with specific targets, and I'm glad that we also appear to be of one mind that this is unwelcome.

            The statement that the Rules topic had been done to death was carelessly over-broad, of course. With enough ingenuity, something genuinely clever can be squeezed out of any chestnut, even "AOTK". (I personally expect I will never tire of well-crafted "You know who else…" threads.) I should have qualified and hedged the statement more, but I wasn't sure just how to calibrate it, and at some point you just need to say "this is Wonkette, not the Proceedings of the Royal Oxford Society of Pettifoggery".
            [This paragraph is, as I'm sure you realize, meant to immunize myself for the inevitable moment when I myself try to extract just a drop more juice from a "Rules for" reference.]

            And thank you for the history lesson in re. Chet and his puckish ways.- There are many Wonkette rituals and mysteries, known to the Old Ones, that remain for me collectively a book with seven seals.

          2. Chichikovovich

            In looking over the posts in this thread I realize to my embarrassment that I neglected to mention anywhere that I find your comments to be spectacularly clever, just exquisite.

            I recognize that when apparent or real disagreements are aired here, this sort of acknowledgement seems to be almost obligatory as a matter of Wonkette custom, approaching "My esteemed colleague" boilerplate status sometimes. But in this case it is also 100% true.

      2. Extemporanus

        COMMENTING NOTE: Take it easy, you guys — If y'all keep using so many words, there won't be enough left for me to adequately reply to each of you!

        Actually and factually and unfortunately, I'm away from home and tap-tap-tapping this out on my POS phone, so regardless, said replies are going to be simultaneously simplistic and inscrutable, horrifyingly tpyo-ridden, and way less involved and eloquent than each of you truly deserve. They will also probably take an hour each to compose and be arbitrarily eated more than once, if I'm (you're?) lucky.

        Nonetheless, with sincere apologies in advance, here I go…

  39. Rogetthat

    SS are a bunch of dicks–always have been. Don't ANY of you remember when there was a 'leak' that Mrs. Clinton threw a lamp at Mr. Clinton–it could only have been SS agents (plain clothes). I worked in the White for 4 years (Clinton) and the WH SS, especially the uniformed were awful–slowed down events, kept very famous (Jesse Jackson) people waiting to 'clear' them for events (Anyone with an 'arrest' for things like civil disobedience etc). At the Israeli-Palestinian signing, they kept Ps waiting, since they had international murder/terror arrests, but had become 'politicians' after. We'd given them a list ahead to 'clear' but they waited. A uniformed guard told me at end of Clinton admin that they'd been mad Bush lost, did admit Clinton staff worked harder then anyone else.

    1. Steverino247

      I would agree due to where they come from–former military, etc.–most of whom have opinions far above their pay grades. Because they can screw with you, they sometimes do. I wonder if Jesse Jackson is still hassled. And how closely they really watch sometimes.

      When the Pope JP II came to Phoenix, I led a group of protestors there. The USSS knew we had signs attached to wooden stakes and the guy they were protecting was in a bullet proof Popemobile, but we still got the lecture about not holding the signs over the ropes they set up. When we moved up to SFO, the SFPD was better at protection than the USSS, but more creepy as well as they had people way up videotaping us from inside rooms. They were too stupid to tape over the flashing red lights on their cameras, though, so I knew where all of them were. We just smiled and waved at each of them in turn. Assholes.

    2. glamourdammerung

      Don't ANY of you remember when there was a 'leak' that Mrs. Clinton threw a lamp at Mr. Clinton–it could only have been SS agents (plain clothes).

      It could have simply been Republicans telling lies. Again.

  40. An_Outhouse

    Rest assured Brian Williams will be reporting on this in detail. He explained to John Stewart the other night that when people say and do stuff like call the vice President stupid, he has to cover it. Even if he doesn't want to and the person is Guiliani, its part of the campaign and needs to be covered. He really wishes somebody would talk about issues but its all name calling.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Gay? Straight? Doesn't make any difference. The problem is, they're too damn dry.

      I like my cupcakes moist–even a little wet. Then they are nice to fuck / eat.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Socialist. Those cancer patients need to get their lazy asses out of bed and earn their own damn cupcakes.

  41. insidebeltway

    Special agents view all protectees as pain-in-the-asses regardless of party affiliation. It's just a matter of degree. This would not have been said because they are apolitical.

  42. MittBorg

    I'm just sayin', yaknow, but if I were working SS detail, and had to go to a bakery on the job, I would definitely buy some goodies before leaving. Which is probly what those guys did, because the kind of job they do, they probably eat on the run and sugary treats are a good pickmeup in the middle of the day. I very much doubt they said anything at all to the owner, given that they're not known for yakking all friendly-like to the public.

    1. zippy_w_pinhead

      I actually have worked with USSS at many public events for both Dem and GOP pols and you are correct- they in fact make these sorts of symbolic gestures to thank people for their time and trouble

    2. HistoriCat

      And it's oh-so-easy for "thank you for your time" to become "thank you for saying no" when your grip on reality is less then solid. Yeah – I could see Pastor Cupcake reinterpreting the thank you.

  43. zippy_w_pinhead

    Lol… from National review Online
    UPDATE: I just got a call from Max Milien, a spokesman for the United States Secret Service. He told me unequivocally, “our personnel were not involved in making that statement.” Milien said there were agents in the bakery, along with (similarly dressed) local law enforcement, but that USSS was there merely to thank the shop owners for their trouble and apologize for any inconvenience the advance team may have caused them.

    that didn't take long- too bad it's now an established "fact" in the wingnutsphere

  44. mrblifil

    What's he got against Biden? He didn't say anybody didn't build whatever, plus he lost his whole family except himself in a car accident. Give the guy a fucking cookie already and be done with it. Racist fuckholes all of them (not Biden).

  45. Self-Uploader

    First, if I owned a bakery and Romney wanted to use it for an event, I'd either refuse or make sure everyone was wearing Obama tee-shirts or something, so I don't think refusing to be exploited by a political campaign is wrong.

    I'm just praying, however, that this guy won't go all Not Joe the Not Plumber on us, run for Congress and make inane videos.

  46. tessiee

    If it was two guys in suits, and one ordered a whole chicken and one ordered dry toast, that wasn't the Secret Service, it was the Blues Brothers.

  47. tessiee

    "we’re told that shortly after Crumb and Get It told Biden’s advance people ‘no’ — the secret service walked in and told Chris McMurray ”Thanks for standing up and saying ‘no’ — then they bought a whole bunch of cookies and cupcakes."

    [Bored]
    Uh huh, and was that *before* or *after* you got the blowjob from the Playboy Bunny?

  48. tessiee

    This woulda been a way better story if all the Secret Service guys were wearing shades and shoulder holsters and talking into their walkie-talkies.
    Asshole bakery guy: Can I help you?
    Secret Service guy: Cupcakes.
    ABG: How many?
    SSG: One dozen.
    ABG: Vanilla?
    SSG: Chocolate.
    ABG: Sprinkles?
    SSG [nods briskly]: Thank you. [speaks into walkie-talkie] Snack-treats have been identified and secured at Oh-Fourteen hundred hours. [feedback scrawk] They are tasty — repeat, tasty.

    *SSGs exit bakery. Very last one is carrying a boom box playing "The Peter Gunn Theme"*:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz3WMFEC9Gs&fe

  49. Robman2

    The greater issue is the shop owner, buying into the meme building BS from Romney's campaign. I smell racist, in old PA.

  50. Zombie_Reagan

    I really don't think I'm ever going to tire from the wingnut "I built this business" myth. It's an instant faceplam.

    Oh, and I'll bet your dollars to, um, cupcakes that this story is false.

  51. randcoolcatdaddy

    "Thanks for saying no – because trying to protect the Vice President from a nutcase like you will give me a headache."

  52. Nesnora

    Hey guys, I sell buttered bagged air for a living and I'd just like to say that I really don't like the current administration errr Nobama? Anyways, please send paypal donations for your REAL, AMERICAN bag of buttered air for freedom and the troops to so I can live the American Dream™.

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