but we were only playing jon husted

Ohio Secretary Of State Turns Car Around, Gives Equal, Crappier Voting Opportunities To All

let's see if you have a birthday party this yearThe New York Times opined yesterday that Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted was engaging in “overt discrimination” just because he was overseeing the systematic extension of extra voting hours exclusively to Republican counties.

Well, Jon Husted got really angry on this road trip that we call Election 2012, and did what pissy dads everywhere do: HE TURNED THIS CAR BACK AROUND.

His decision came in response to a growing controversy over disparities in early in-person voting hours across Ohio. In most urban counties, which have the state’s most-Democratic electorates, the voting was being confined to normal business hours. But in several more-Republican counties, hours were being extended into the evenings and Saturdays.

“There’s no question that the principle of fairness is being upheld today in Ohio, because all voters are being treated equally,” Husted said at a hastily called news conference.

Under his directive, county boards must be open from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. for the first three weeks of the five-week early-voting period before the Nov. 6 election, and from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m. in the final two weeks. No board can have Saturday or Sunday hours.

“For the first time in Ohio history, all Ohioans will vote by the same standard,” Husted said. “ I am leveling the playing field on voting days and hours during the absentee-voting period in each of the 88 counties — rural, urban and suburban.”

Because all these counties couldn’t just get along and be quiet, now nobody gets weekend voting hours. Are you happy? Oh, you had big plans for Saturday voting? Well, not any more. And no McDonald’s for you, either. You made Jon Husted unhappy, so nobody gets a Happy Meal now. And no ice cream, either. JON HUSTED DOESN’T CARE WHAT HE SAID BEFORE, YOU WERE BAD.

That’ll show those socialists at the New York Times and stupid Ohio voters.

BONUS: This also solves part of the Obama military voting lawsuit by stripping every voter in Ohio – including our brave men and women who serve – of two of the three days of contested voting time. The military doesn’t get out of this just because they were being quiet and reading in the back seat, oh no. Thank your black president for that one, armed forces.

[Columbus Dispatch]

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109 comments

  1. PsycWench

    My dad only threatened to pull the car over. This guy's hardcore. Or maybe just our headline writer.

    1. Katydid

      When my brother and I would fight over who was on whose side in the backseat, which was always, my father would reach his arm in the back and just start swinging, he didn't care who he hit as long as he hit someone. Sort of like what this Husted guy, is trying to do.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      My kids are too well behaved to ever threaten, much less actually turn the car around. Before the days when the were fully absorbed in their books and iPods and laptops, we would all actually be singing together most of the length of our roadtrips.

      My wife however… Well, let's just say on occasion I've had to pull the car over, turn it off, hand her the keys and say, "OK, you drive."

  2. 1stNewtontheMoon

    well, obviously rural and suburban voters need extended voting hours. those Real Americans (TM) work for a livin'. Those city dwellers and "urban" voters just hang around all day on the public teat, get abortions, have anchor babies, welfare princes and princesses and/or gay buttsecks (when not smoking copious amounts of medicinal drugs). What, they can't be bothered to make it in during normal business hours (when they're not working anyway)!11!!!?!!/ Wake up, ohio sheepeople!1!1! Rich White Dude/Rich White Dude '12!!!1!

  3. MacRaith

    Jon, Jon, you're doing it wrong, man. Look at what they did next door in Pennsylvania – they just got a sympathetic judge to declare their voter-supression efforts perfectly legal. But no, you had to go and level the playing field without a fight. I'm beginning to think you aren't sufficiently corrupt to be a GOP politician.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    You know, some people drive past these counties with their McMansion voting hours and their shiny new Cadillac voter IDs, and would be jealous of them — but my daddy always said, "Son, when you see people with great big voting hours like that, don't be angry at them — thank the fucking LORD you live in a country where you can hope to have those same kinda voting hours too."

    And now John Husted has gone and taken away everybody's Cadillac voting hours and made them all the same. Why is John Husted such a socialist?

  5. Oblios_Cap

    HE TURNED THIS CAR BACK AROUND

    It's more like he stopped the damn thing and told the kids to get out and cut their own switches. And they better not be too small, you little shits!

  6. Texan_Bulldog

    When does the NYT or any of the lame stream media get their juices flowing about PA's incredibly discriminatory voting ID law? This dude sounds like MLK compared to the pricks in PA.

  7. FakaktaSouth

    I think this guy governs like I drive with my kids too – I like just randomly waving my arm out behind me and smacking the shit out of whatever I can reach when I am flailing. Especially if I can accidentally knock out a black voter or two.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      My Mom always did the one handed/arm (lacking seatbelts) barrier if we came to an abrupt stop. Like she could keep her kids from flying out the front windshield. However ineffective, which ever son got to ride in the front seat will Mom was driving NEVER pissed her off or we might not get the lifesaving arm barrier.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I've never not had seatbelts, but I was the recipient of the protective forearm as well, and dispense with such myself, just because, holy shit I am a bad driver and the protecting the kids thing is almost as much of an instinct as the swatting, and sometimes if their shenanigans affect my driving I get to protect and smack em at the same time (protection with force – it's the little joys in parenting that thrill me)

        1. ChessieNefercat

          I remember listening to a comedian once reminiscing about riding with grandma, and asking the audience if having that frail, spindly 80 year old arm flung across their chest made them feel safe while grammy drove, wove and braked randomly.

        2. weejee

          I only got swatted once & it wasn't in the car. Raised four sons and never spanked or slapped any of them. They all grew-up and voted for Nobama, so that just goes to show you what that the thanks we got from the kids for the absence of corporal punishment was a political slap in the face. The kids turning out to be libtards.

        3. Katydid

          My father did the same thing you do…the worst thing was when he started turning the steering wheel to the right…that fucking terrified us, because if he did pull over, he would get more force behind his smacks and could use two hands.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Is Galt in Texas? Cuz I would like them to all go to Galt and then we could just lock the door.

      Oh, wait. Go Galt. Not go to Galt. never mind.

  8. Joshua Norton

    The latest wingnut screed is that Kenyan Soshulist Maths are hiding the truth that the reeeeeeeal voter fraud rate, according to scared, crazy self-piddling conservatives is 157 gazillion percent.

  9. JustPixelz

    "For the first time in Ohio history, all Ohioans will vote by the same standard…"

    Take that Albania! You can't look down on Ohio's election process any more.

    1. Callyson

      Nate Persily: "We don't know for sure whether that's going to be true. It's true if you look at the non-ID population that [it] is overrepresented among racial minorities, and that has been shown in Texas and Pennsylvania and elsewhere. But again, some of those people would not have voted anyway…"

      That. Fucking. Asshole.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        C:

        That idiot admitted nobody knew if there was actual vote fraud by impersonation or not. So he wants to pass a law to find out.

        He sure didn't like it when Dave Davies pointed out the PA Attorney General stipulated the State had no evidence of previous fraud, or evidence fraud would occur in November 2012. But, by God, it's important to pass this law!

  10. slithytoves

    OT: Two officers shot in Louisiania by a guy with an assault rifle, add to that the guy who shot himself in the ass in a movie theater, and no one dares to talk about gun control. Honestly.

    1. Extemporanus

      MSNBC just reported that the FRC guard shooter had fifteen Chik-Fil-A sandwiches in his backpack, and that he was probably gay.

      Fabulous.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        Really, with that dietary compulsion, please tell me you meant "Flabulous.**"

        !—–>**And I even looked it up in teh Gugglez to make sure I wasn't cribbing nobody. (Except, turns out, myself…)<——¡)

        1. Extemporanus

          I wish that gay Chik-Fil-A remark was a joke, but they really said it.

          This is actually kinda funny: I did mean "Flabulous", and typed it, but my phone apparently hates overweight gheys and "corrected" my spelling without me noticing, which in retrospect is probably a good thing, because if it hadn't, I would've been guilty of doing the very thing that someone else did to me, only with your original comment. Ah, the irony (?).

          You, however, are a big fat t-shirt-wearing copycat. ;-)

          (Speaking of which, thank you very much for the exciting volleyball play-by-play — the better team did indeed win in the end. I would've replied sooner, but doing so probably would've gotten me benched.)

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Check out his Wikipedia page — dude's a hot mess. He's only held local offices, but he's got corruption, a lawsuit, watering down a pedophilia bill at the behest of Catholic clergy and also doesn't know where he was born:

    Husted claims on his 2010 campaign website he is a native of Ohio,[10] however, other sources claim he was actually born in Royal Oak, Michigan, and he stated in an interview in 2008 he was born in the Detroit area. Husted has actually spent all but the first month of his life in Ohio, when his parents adopted him from a Detroit area orphanage.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      His folks probably had to tie a porkchop around his neck so the dog would play with him.

  12. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This guy looks like his mom should have maybe laid off the tequila when she was pregnant, but didn't.

  13. An_Outhouse

    Ha ha, the jokes on you, Republicans. The poorz have to work all weekend any way. Their off days are during the week.

  14. Dudleydidwrong

    When you get your hand caught in the cookie jar the only thing to do is start yelling "There'll be no fucking cookies for anybody! Ya hear! Nobody gets cookies!" This is often followed by "Hey! Look at that shiny object over there…" GOPenises are going to screw you no matter–so keep your eye on what this dorky dork does next. Ohio's nickname is the buckeye state. Buckeyes are worthless nuts. (I know–not all of 'em…)

  15. thefrontpage

    What would Donald Trump do?

    What would Mindy Meyer do?

    What would Karl Rove do?

    All of them would have restrictive voting hours, election precincts set up at golf courses, country clubs and Nieman Marcus stores; have voting hours only set from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.; and require elaborate photo identification for all people.

  16. CthuNHu

    Trophy wives and single working moms now have equal rights to vote between 8am and 5pm on weekdays. Equality!

  17. Not_So_Much

    Stop touching me! I'm not touching you.
    Stop touching me! I'm not touching you.
    Stop touching me! I'm not touching you.

    MOM!

    1. PsycWench

      We favored "Stop looking at me!" and "Stop mocking me!". With three of us in the back seat, touching was unavoidable and thus escalation was required.

  18. NorthStarSpanx

    And while we are at it, we appreciate your attitude, Jon Husted, on doing the right thing. You sure showed us.

  19. freakishlywrong

    Should be interesting to see how a pissed off electorate reacts to Romney/Ryan when they win the WH by the number of Democratic votes that were disenfranchised. Good times!

    1. TootsStansbury

      Meh. They"ll just go back to their sports and reality teevee. No big deal to most people unfortunately.

  20. WhatTheHeck

    In all fairness, the extra voting hours in the “republican” counties were needed so there wouldn’t be a hoverround traffic jam in the polling places.

  21. iburl

    This is a totally fair and equal solution that leaves everyone in the same boat. Sure the boat uses working class and poor people as ballast, but, it's the same boat.

  22. ChessieNefercat

    And right after the press conference, he called old buddy old pal Ken Blackwell. Quick, Ken! To the voting machines! We have rigging to do!. (In *some* counties.)

  23. beezie687

    Husted decided to apply the law equally to all counties, either out of the goodness of his heart, or the realization that Bush v. Gore was thrown out in part when FL officials tried to apply different standards to the various recounts in 2000. So it's not a matter of turning the car around because you kids are acting up, it's more like turning the car around because you kids will tell the police he's driving drunk while texting, applying makeup, and eating a Doritos locos taco.

  24. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    I'm gonna vote and you're gonna vote. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun voting we'll need plastic surgery to remove our godamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'God Bless the USA' out of your assholes!

    Paraphrased 'natch.

  25. LadyWisdom

    Look, commenting on politics is all great fun but unless you're spending some of your time and/or money to help get Democrats elected, it's all just blather.

    Remember how bad you'll feel if you wake up November 7th and we have teabagger government everywhere. Do everything you can to keep that from happening!!!!!!!

      1. LadyWisdom

        You live in Ohio and you're setting conditions on helping out??? You WANT Mandel to represent you?

        True confession: I'm one of the people making phone calls on behalf of the Dems. It's tedious and, as you might imagine, thankless work. But it's how we get people to volunteer. We need volunteers to canvass infrequently-voting Dems, to help people who need absentee ballots, i.d.s, or help with voter registration issues. We're going to need poll workers, people to give rides, and any number of chores that are necessary to win. And people don't come out of the woodwork to sign up for those things, but it helps to call and ask. So we call you.

        It's nice when someone answers the phone and says yes. And it's only 80 days. You can help save the world from complete corporate hegemony.

        1. mwittier

          I offer this with complete sincerity: you would have so much more credibility if you'd stop abusing punctuation.
          A single exclamation point is sufficient, unless you're writing a comic book. Same goes for question marks.
          Employing them in multiples just makes you look batshit, or like an elderly relative who forwards bullshit that's been debunked on Snopes for years.

          You're doing good work; don't negate it.

          1. LadyWisdom

            I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to indulge in offensive punctuation but it was an accurate reflection of my shock that a liberal in Ohio would be complaining about getting too many phone calls. If I promise to restrict myself to periods and single question marks will you volunteer?

        2. deanbooth

          I am not complaining about a few phone calls. I have averaged two phone calls a week for 6 years. I don't think it's unreasonable to see this as harassment.

          1. LadyWisdom

            Six years? Every week? They have that many volunteers all the time? Where I live, the only time politicians can get volunteers is during election season. Well, soldier on.

  26. kittensdontlie

    Repugnantcans Kasich and Husted, in addition to being morally bankrupt, are more embarrassing to we D-Ohioans than any modern era Cleveland pro sports teams. The burning of the Cuyahoga River pales in comparison to these two nitwits.

  27. Generation[redacted]

    What? He's denying voting rights to our troops? Excuse me, I must go register my disgust on Facebook immediately!

  28. midnighttoker69

    As a proud resident and native of the Buckeye State, I can't help but shudder with shame and embarrassment every time we wind up in the news. It seems like my fellow Ohioans will and continue to buy any bullshit that somebody tries to sell. I still haven't stopped scratching my head yet when I am reminded of Kasich as governor … how this obviously seedy, shifty-eyed crook managed to deceive so many good people in the name of Jesus and freedom confounds me to this day. That seems to be the curse of living in a swing state though. I really hope that they ride this gang of crooks into Lake Erie in 2014 and never let them back. Corruption is a part of government in our day and age, but to watch these low-rent thugs gerrymander and scheme to rig not only this election, but every other one that's to come but turns my stomach. I was in Cleveland and Akron on election day 2004, and I saw the long lines of people waiting to vote, saw them walking away in frustration, and I don't have to tell my fellow Wonkette readers that the vast majority of them had dark skin, and other suspicious behavior. I've watched many important stories happen on the news, but it was the first and only time that I, personally, witnessed something of that nature. The election was stolen in broad daylight and right in front of my eyes. American politics isn't about fairness or honor or the will of the people. It's about winning, at any cost, and every imaginable tactic, legal or otherwise is fair game. I stopped believing in the system that day. I stopped believing that democracy was anything more than a big ruse, a scam, a facade to hide the true nature of the beast that rules our country. I do, however, still believe in Ohio, and America, and I think that no matter how jaded and cynical we become, we have to hold on to that dream, to that vision of a better world, a better country, a better state. My version of that vision has a lot fewer Republicans than the reality I live in now.

  29. rickmaci

    WOW. Just saw the pic of Sec. Husted. Who'd a thunk it. The banjo kid in Deliverance grew up to be an Ohihole politico.

  30. Troglodeity

    This is what happens after the Ohio Secretary of State's lawyer whispers in his ear, "You really want to allow longer voting hours only in Republican suburbs? Hey buddy, that's so fucking unconstitutional I can't even defend you with a straight face."

    1. HistoriCat

      Did the right thing in the sense of putting the cookie back into the cookie jar when caught.

  31. lulzmonger

    "Mistakes were made … for example, the mistake of getting busted for being a right prick comes to mind."

  32. ttommyunger

    Its really hard to steal a landslide reelection, and that's just what whiter-than-white bitches like this one are working hard to give Barry. Want to piss off an American (any color) and get him off his ass? Tell him he can't have something- like his vote, for instance.

Comments are closed.