Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt

Paul Ryan So Mad Obama Didn’t Save GM Plant That Closed Under Bush

And what do the birds say? All there is to say about an economic massacre, things like "Poo-tee-weet?"Listen: Paul Ryan has come unstuck in time.

Paul Ryan has gone to sleep writing letters to support Wisconsin stimulus spending in 2010 and awakened voting against the stimulus in 2009, and then turned a corner into 2012 and announced “No, I never asked for stimulus.” He has walked through a door in 2010 carrying a budget proposal that would destroy Medicare and come out another one in 2012 holding hands with a man who insists that Barack Obama is the guy who wants to destroy Medicare. He has seen his position on earmarks evolve many times, he says, and pays random visits to all the events in between.

Now Paul Ryan is blaming Barack Obama for the closing of a GM plant in Janesville, Wisconsin. The factory closed two months before Obama became president.

“I remember President Obama visiting it when he was first running, saying he’ll keep that plant open,” Ryan said in Ohio Thursday, describing the shuttered GM factory in Janesville, Wis. “One more broken promise.”

Ryan said that the plant closed because of rising gas prices under Obama. It actually closed in December 2008, while George Bush was president, because nobody was buying the SUV’s it produced. Paul Ryan’s running mate, a man with the laughably improbable name of Willard, had published an editorial in 2008 saying it would be best to “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt,” and in 2012 was taking credit for how well the auto industy had recovered. But the GM assembly line in Janesville has been dead since 2008. So it goes.

Paul Ryan closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he was in Congress, and it was 2008, and so, like 32 other Republicans from districts with automobile factories in them, he voted for the auto bailout bill. He blinked again, and it was August 2012, and he was explaining to a reporter that he he thought that the stimulus bill President Bush signed was simultaneously wasteful and didn’t spend enough to help:

“What I voted for was to prevent a worse bailout. I voted for that bill to prevent TARP from being used to bail out the auto companies at more than three times the cost of that original legislation. And where I come from, where we lost four auto factories… the auto bailout didn’t work for us.”

Without warning, Paul Ryan found himself in in the distant future, in a zoo on the planet Tralfamadore, which the Tralfamadorians had helped him build. He was painfully aware that he had not built it all by himself, and the raucous laughter of the Tralfamadorians hurt his feelings. “Why me?” he asked. “Why you?” replied a Tralfamadorian. “Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is.” Paul Ryan wanted to talk more about why people should take responsibility for their poverty, but the Tralfamadorian merely handed him a copy of “The Gospel From Outer Space,” by Kilgore Trout.

And then Paul Ryan was standing in front of that factory in Janesville again, blaming Barack Obama for breaking a promise before Obama had even become president. Paul Ryan smiled, because he knew that Americans believe many things that are obviously untrue. Their most destructive untruth is that it is very easy for any American to make money. They will not acknowledge how in fact hard money is to come by, and, therefore, those who have no money blame and blame and blame themselves. This inward blame has been a treasure for the rich and powerful, who have had to do less for their poor, publicly and privately, than any other ruling class since, say, Napoleonic times.

Paul Ryan smiled again, and explained his plans to save Social Security by privatizing it.


About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. MonkeyMotion

      Or, in the words of Dan Akroyd:

      "Not only would I pay for the abortion, I'd perform it myself."

    2. Typodong3

      Sorry, but if the GOP had a time machine, they would have already gone back in time to make sure Reagan didn't actually balloon the deficit by trillions of dollars or rather, blame it on someone else since it was the military, so, GOOD, then jump forward and give Bush a decisive, intelligent look while sitting in elementary school on 9/11 (photoshopped). Oh and take photographs of Obama being born in Kenya while being baptized by Rev. Wright in his Muslin garb.

      1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

        No, no, no….Republicans are the party of (bad, terrible, awful) ideas, damnit! They would have done the following: 1) assassinated Lincoln and retroactively become the secessionist party, 2) assassinate Roosevelt to prevent him from fixing the mega fuckup capitalism caused (aka the Great Depression) and/ or let the 'businessman plot' go through and replaced the government with a fascist state. 3) they would have assassinated Kennedy AFTER his right-baiting of Nixon but before he did anything (so the neocons didn't have to be full of shit when they claim him)…4) or just see the mockumentary "The Confederate States of America" for the definitive account of a wingnut state in this day and age….

        1. Typodong3

          Sure if you want to sit on the porcelain throne whilst reading Atlas Shrugged (with foreword by Paul Ryan) for 12 straight hours.

          1. Warpde

            That and longer.
            She's the boil that pusses up and pops, pusses up again and pops, pusses up when you would lest expect it and then BAMB!!! pops.
            Over and over again my friend.

            Just like those shitty Father Day ties I get every year.
            Never ending disappointment.
            Oh great….now I'm sad.

          2. MittBorg

            (Hugs Warpde) Don't be sad. Talk to the kid(s) and tell them what you'd RLY like for Father's Day. Kids give you horrible stuff because they don't know any better.

            And ignore Bachmann. Your sanity may depend on it.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Jenna Jameson – she ran her car into a utility pole. I'm sure she could use at least a hug (although she has "retired" from the adult film industry).

  1. nounverb911

    Why didn't John Galt save the Twentieth Century Motor Company when he had the chance to, also.

  2. AbandonHope_

    If only Barack Obama had prevented that fateful assassination at Ford's Theater, none of this would've happened!

    1. anniegetyerfun

      That's the worst kind of broken promise, because he never even bothered to talk about preventing it. It just goes to show what a do-nothing president he really is.

    1. Typodong3

      Clearly, Jesus was an avid user of the P90X system. Have you SEEN his calves in those sandals?

    1. ProgressiveInga

      That Juvenile Yellow Crowned Night-heron is badass.

      And will look lovely hanging on your wall!

        1. ProgressiveInga

          Total snark.

          I'm really a bird-lover ♡. That heron is a beauty. And I really meant that the picture of him will look good hanging on your wall. Yeah, that's what I meant!

        1. finallyhappy

          What chicken? I was just at the county fair and saw tiny chickens and giant chickens. Perhaps an average chicken

          1. Doktor Zoom

            Birds are totally OK in a Vonnegut – tribute post. How about a prothonotary warbler, like the ones living in the piano showroom at the top of the Chrysler Building in Jailbird?

          2. DerrickWildcat

            Thanks Man. They come through here, but I don't have a picture. Warblers in general are really difficult. About the size of your thumb, are in constant motion, glean insects from way up high in trees and are mostly obscured by leaves and branches. It's patience and luck with those guys. It's also a really sore neck.

          3. DerrickWildcat

            Maybe, I am not certain. But here's what's it's like taking a picture of a Warbler in general.
            "Oooh, right there, do you see it?"
            "No, where"
            "Ok, look at the Large Tree about two o'clock from the little tree right in front of us."
            "Which little tree right in front of us?"
            "That one!"
            "WHICH ONE?! THERE ARE 3 FUCKING LITTLE TREES RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!? No wait, I see him. Shit…shit…shit. Hold still for a second you little motherfucker…shit…God damn it! Did you see where that little fucker went?"
            "No, did you get any shots off?"
            "Let me look, shit. Shit. God Damn it! Nothing but yellowish blobs. God, I hate fucking birds!"
            "C'mon, chill dude, we'll see another one."
            "Shut up."

          4. finallyhappy

            So on the map from that link- I see this is the bird we have seen in our park(because there are a lot of sightings listed from names I know in the neighborhood- and the park is the one behind my house)). however, we(those of us who have seen the nest, the parents and the babies for the past 3 years- but are not good birders) thought it was called a yellow crested grey heron. It was very exciting when it nested here because we usually saw only robins and sparrows and chickadees.

          5. finallyhappy

            we talked to some farmers about them at the fair- one guy said chickens – not roosters!- are easy- if you have just a few. There were some english blue chickens that looked like healthy pigeons and I wondered if we could get away with them- as chickens are illegal where I live

          6. MittBorg

            OMG. That sounds so cute and perfect! My grandmother had chickens, I grew up on her farm. Then my Dad wanted some, but my Mum wanted to make lunch out of 'em, and Dad said he couldn't do that because he had known them since they were eggs. The English Blues sound wonderful, and I'll bet nobody would know.

          7. glasspusher

            My neighbor left his coop open and some of his were wandering around the other day. You want I should snag one for you?

          8. MittBorg

            No, no! Can't steal chickens, I'll come back as one for 87 lifetimes. FinallyHappy suggested some interesting breeds. I just have to get all buff again so I can rappel down the hill to feed the buggers of a morning.

          9. glasspusher

            Listen pal, when the chicken crosses the road, it's fair game (so to speak).They weren't home when I found their chickens out of the coop. I need to go by when they are so I can ask them what to do in case this happens again.Also, I have a co-worker who ordered chicks in the mail, (from Ohio!) and has 5 chickens in his backyard now, he's in El Cerrito. He brings in fresh eggs for us from time to time. All different color shells! Who needs easter?

          10. MittBorg

            I think you really are my neighbour. Their chickens are always getting flattened by the neighbourhood cars or attacked by the neighbourhood dogs because they don't bother to keep them on the property. Ordering chickens in the mail from Ohio? Wow. Wouldn't they be traumatized after that journey?

    2. WhatTheHeck

      Once Obama closed that GM Plant, those herons had no place to nest. That’s why you had trouble sighting one. Blame Obama. Hater of herons.

      1. DerrickWildcat

        Aw shucks. Thank you. This is my hobby. Everybody has one. This is mine. I just like taking pictures of Birds and shit. It's mostly aggravating and frustrating, but just the process of doing it no matter what the result…makes me happy. This dumb picture of a dumb ol' bird has me so excited I can't even sleep.

    3. Pragmatist2

      Here on Wonkette we cheer on even the trivial accomplishments of our colleagues- mostly because that's all we have.

      1. widestanceromance

        So, will you all cheer me next Friday when my African grey parrot has his one-year hatchday? He hatched the day after the east coast earthquake, so that must mean something, right?

          1. widestanceromance

            Late reply, but I rarely go near the internets on the weekends. Yes, we have a grey. Visited with breeder and handled Marco since he was 2 weeks old, and nothing more than a tiny naked oven stuffer with a huge dinosaur head. He's been a delight since we brought him home last December. Does not speak clearly yet, but garbles all sorts of things as he is learning them. His favorite sound is of a drip, which I can make with my mouth, and he addresses us with a drip first thing in the morning and when he comes out to play. My partner taught him all manner of nonsense sound songs, which he loves to recite–and change up with hilarious twists. I'll be sure to post some pics sometime this week.

        1. just_a_head

          Ooooo! Does he speak in your voice? I knew an African grey that spoke in the voice of the lady who raised him. Very, very unsettling, and very, very cool!

          They're linguistically fascinating, too.

    4. MissTaken

      Walking to lunch I saw a one-legged pigeon get ass raped by a bigger, two-legged pigeon on the church steps. I wanted to take a picture, but then I didn't want to be a poseur since I'm not good at taking pictures of birds and shit.

      1. glasspusher

        Even pigeons get surprise buttsecks?

        Also, very telling that it happened on the church steps. Sure it wasn't being raped by a Cardinal?

    5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Looking at you picture, I think I saw one of those in Central Park on a visit in May of 1999. Had no idea what it was. I think I have a photo. What stood out were the red eyes. Sort of like Paul Ryan when he thinks of cutting a program for the poor (and the circle is complete).

  3. arihaya

    It was also Obama who responsible for the grassy knoll, John Hinckley, that blue stained dress, attacks on Oklahoma City and 9/11.

      1. MittBorg

        No, that was managed by the Navy Seals, who never seemed to get around to it during the eight years that G.W. Bush was busy running the country into the ground.

    1. unclejeems

      This just in. The Defense Department has learned that it was Obama who blew up the USS Maine. That's all 'til tomorrow.

    2. tessiee

      The guys in Milli Vanilli are Obama's cousins. They were gonna go to work in Sears, but then Obama told them to pursue their dream of a career in music.

  4. miss_grundy

    Do you think some brave reporter from the media will point out that the factory closed while Dubya was still in office? No? I didn't think so, either.

  5. PuckStopsHere

    GM closed the plant just as soon as they thought Obama might become President, citing market uncertainty, etc., so of course it's Obama's fault, duh.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Are we sure the President didn't visit that plant while on the stump?

      Or anytime before it closed, really – saying within earshot what AynRyan claimed was said?

  6. mavenmaven

    The plant closed because they anticipated Obama's election and couldn't bear the thought of being open under a black president. That's why it closed.
    Makes sense, you c**k-sucking robots? (oh, wrong book).

    1. Typodong3

      Its not purchased, its secreted, along with gallons of dark, bitter bile, and stored in poison sacs alongside the thyroid glands.

    2. BoroPrimorac

      In Florida they're running the ad where Romney tells Obama to stop being a Chicago thug. They're probably spending millions on it.

    3. Negropolis

      Walmart. Every damned things can be bought at Walmart. You can even buy a soul from Satan at Walmart, but no bargaining since everything's already marked down. Low, low prices. Always.

  7. ManchuCandidate

    It only seemed like Obamer was in charge because W ran away screaming while the world was on the verge of falling apart…. never saw a president run away from his own responsibilities (and the mess he (and Dick) created) like W did.

    1. MittBorg

      And Obama knew it, too, which is why he had a team assembled and working on issues nearly a year before he actually became President. Damn, the country was falling apart right before our horrified eyes.

    2. Negropolis

      Isn't crazy how quickly the Bushes slinked into the background? Hell, Hillary was damn-near politicking before she even got out of the White House, and Dubya is nowhere to be found.

  8. WhatTheHeck

    Obama promised us unicorns, kittens with whiskers and brown paper packages tied up with string. Where are they?

    1. tessiee

      Come to Portland, and you'll see enough raindrops on roses to last you at least three lifetimes.

  9. Joshua Norton

    blaming Barack Obama for breaking a promise before Obama had even become president.

    Desperately looking for a way to attack Obama without using the word "uppity".

      1. Generation[redacted]

        I thought Karl Rove was the Vogon, seeing how Wonkette periodically reprints his poetry.

        1. nounverb911

          See, see the Paul Ryan sky
          Marvel at its big Mauve depths.
          Tell me, Anne Romney do you
          Wonder why the Rafalca ignores you?
          Why its foobly stare
          makes you feel Farty.
          I can tell you, it is
          Worried by your Sarah Palin facial growth
          That looks like
          A mold.
          What's more, it knows
          Your smegma potting shed
          Smells of GOP.
          Everything under the big Paul Ryan sky
          Asks why, why do you even bother?
          You only charm Mitt Romneys.

          –BBC's Vogon poem generator.

        1. tessiee

          "who killed the Kennedys? Well after all, it was you and me"

          Now Mitt will say that Sorosbot posted the following:
          "Who killed the Kennedys? Well after all, it was […] me."

  10. SorosBot

    Well we already know Obama can travel in time, which is how he planted the fake birth certificate and notices in Hawaii where he wasn't really born back when he was an infant; this just proves what I've been saying all along, that he was really born on Galifrey and is not a US citizen but an illegal alien Time Lord!

    1. zumpie

      No, no silly—-he just did that as an infant, along with dodging the draft to avoid serving in Viet Nam as a toddler and small child. Duh!!!!

  11. rocktonsam

    Ryan hasn't done much for Janesville , ever.

    He is also on the November ballot to be re-elected to congress. Just covering all bases, i guess.

    Ryan has someone running against him this time too,

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      Time to spread the rumor that you can't vote for someone twice on the same ballot, not that I'd ever suggest that, the rumor I mean, it'd be a shame if the voters of his district thought that, and then he and Romney didn't close the deal after all, and the district fell into Democratic hands…

  12. Billmatic

    Even if it closed under Obama, it's still infuriating to listen to a small government Republican blameing a President for "killing jobs" or not "creating jobs" which, by his own philosophical stand point is not something the government should do in the first place.

  13. coolhandnuke

    "Obama also designed the Corvair, put the gas tanks in the Ford Pinto and sold John Delorean cocaine."—Paul Ryan.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Couldn't have been Obama–the Library at Alexandria was full of pagan knowledge, which an elitist would have wanted preserved for nefarious purposes.

    1. unclejeems

      I'd bet on the 1930s dust bowl, the assassination of the Archduke Ferdinand, the loss of the island fortress of Singapore, and the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa. Not to mention the genocide of the Armenians. And, of course, the loss of China.

    1. Negropolis

      Yeah, I stopped watching during the whole time skipping thingy. I later caught it in reruns, but it didn't help me understand anything any better.

  14. Mittens Howell, III

    It would be best to let Ryand / Romney go morally bankrupt.

    Oops! too late. My bad.

  15. johnnymeatworth

    Sure, Paul's just laying the groundwork for when he pushes his tax plan through Congress next month.

      1. Misty Malarky

        "Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling donut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooon?"


  16. TootsStansbury

    Prevaricator and Vice Prevaricator. When did it become ok to lie when running for the highest office in the land? I think Willard and Paulie boi are having some kind of contest.

  17. rockyoumonkeys

    If Obama's such a great president, why didn't he stop 9/11? Why didn't he get us out of 'Nam? Oh sure, he can kill bin Laden, but why couldn't he stop Hitler?


  18. RadioBowels

    You're right Dok, he should be kicked in the stomach with this stuff until he bleeds from his mouth. And another huge fibber he's got is that his Destroy Medicare and Give The Job Creators More Tax Breaks Budget is that the same $700 billion cuts for Medicare are in there. He tried to dodge it yesterday by saying they were "baseline" and some gobbledygook about ObamaRomneyCare.
    Seems he has got more skeletons in his closet than an anatomy lab.

  19. widestanceromance

    "You see, there is a portal behind a file cabinet in my Congressional office where I fell into the past. I also fell into that man's rectum that way, too, in case TMZ finds those photos, which do not in this plane of existence exist."

  20. thefrontpage

    Today, in a bizarro speech in Twilight Zone, Iowa, Paul "Nostradomus" Ryan said, "I also blame Obama for the Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, that Civil War skirmish, World War I, World War II, The Great Depression of the 1930s, the Dust Bowl drought, and the drought of 2012. Also, I blame him for New Coke."

  21. pdiddycornchips

    Paul Ryan is a very serious fiscal conservative who just happened to support blowing up the budget with two wars and a huge tax cut for millionaires. He's going to save Medicare by destroying it. He does not support the auto bailout even though he voted for it. He did not ask for stimulus funds except the couple of times that he did ask for stimulus funds.
    That's just what came out this week. I can't wait for the VP debates. Joe's gonna make him cry like a bitch on her wedding day.

    1. tessiee

      "Joe's gonna make him cry like a bitch on her wedding day."

      And for pretty much the same reas–…
      *giant hook comes out of wings and yanks comment offstage*

  22. widestanceromance

    What the hell kind of mind-bending drugs are these people on? Is don Juan an advisor?

    W. T. F.

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      I dunno, but if naked delegates start eating each other's faces — and not in a good way — on the floor of the convention hall, that might be the clue we need.

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    While I appreciate my esteemed collegue, Doktor Zoom's theory, I still am swayed by the belief that Paul Ryan was sent back from the last hold outs of Galt Gulch, who bravely cloned Ayn Rand, but making her a man this time so she would have actual power, and sent her back to save us from those pesky little workers who keep wanting a fair wage for their work. Sure, they stole the idea from Terminator, and they got some of their research wrong, and they sent him back to befriend the robot this time, but, you have to admit, when he rips Joe Biden's heart out during the debate, no one will question him after that.

  24. marconidarwin

    That is a confusing picture of a closed GM plant. How can we really be sure that it is not actually a picture of an operational FEMA camp?

  25. GeorgiaBurning

    It is very easy to make money in America. Most middle class families with $10 million have no problem doubling or tripling it in less than five years. Of course, your middle class may be different then the Republicans'.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      You'd think so, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.

      (Dr. Who, since I can't think of a suitable pun on the author you reference. I dunno… Simak my ass and call me Judy?)

  26. rickmaci

    “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”

    So you see, Alice should be the Republican poster girl, not Ayn Rand.

  27. DahBoner

    But can he feed a whole crowd of Zillionaires with just one jar of caviar?

    Miracles or STFU…

  28. Toomush_Infer

    Geez, either you guys have just eaten up all the snark on this time continuum, or it's just worn-out Friday for me….Cuba Libres all around!!!!….

  29. a_pink_poodle

    He could have time traveled back to December 2008! Jeez, do I have to think of everything around here?

  30. barto

    Clearly the victim here is Paul Ryan because president Obama failed to do things that he never said he would do before he could possibly do them, duh!

  31. BlueStateLibel

    And then one day in the future, Paul Ryan will find himself standing in front of the wreck of his political career, wondering, "What happened?"

  32. azeyote

    it was obama who ate the apple that started this whole mess in the first place, or was he really eve, in drag?

  33. ttommyunger

    You know why Ryan and Mittens always look so smug? They know their base is gong to vote for them no matter what bullshit they throw out there. It doesn't have to be true, it doesn't even have to make sense; they know they've got the "Get the niggers out of the White House" vote, regardless and they're banking on the economy tanking bad enough between now and November to turn the Independents against Barry.

  34. BoroPrimorac

    I'm telling y'all. Paul Ryan was picked to run with Turd Romney because someone hates him.

  35. resolvedwaldron

    What cat, what cradle? "Sometimes the Pool-Pah exceeds the power of humans to comment" Bokonon translates pool-bah…as "shit storm." And so it goes!

  36. Warpde

    Musts gets handz on Ryan thyme mashine……..
    Hair greyur……sminds weeker……..thogts dishevllled….whif kno lunger interested in sux….
    worn mCcan aboot pAlan…..buch aboot Chany…..vetou sinatre helth kare in Masi2shits…
    ducter up? know down texas….surry taxes…..qwuit bane in 19ougt 09…..bury harie in feeld….
    put shumus in trunk……pik Ryan as vepee befur 2 late……..steal time machine and…….

    Hi, I'm Mitt Romney.
    I am happy to announce my pick for VP.
    Pual Ryan.
    Just a sec….gotta go for for a tic.

    Hi, I'm Mitt Romney.
    I am happy to announce my pick for VP.
    Paul Ryan.

    HA ha ha. Bwaa ha ha ha, bwaa bwaa ha ha ha.

  37. Negropolis

    We had to destory the Medicare/Social Security to save the Medicare/Social Security…

    Honestly, that is their message in a nutshell.

  38. cletar

    See, the whole blame-Obama-for-Bush-era-things makes perfect sense if you watch that last episode of Next Generation. Remember, there was that temporal distortion in the Neutral Zone and unstuck-in-time Picard realized to his horror that it got bigger IN THE PAST? Obama is like that. He's so socialisty-Kenyan bad that he gets worse the farther back you go, until, once you pass the actual technical boundaries of his presidency he becomes very bad indeed. He sends waves of presidential badness rippling back in time.

    Hope that helps clear it up.

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