Paul Ryan So Mad Obama Didn’t Save GM Plant That Closed Under Bush

by Doktor Zoom

And what do the birds say? All there is to say about an economic massacre, things like "Poo-tee-weet?"Listen: Paul Ryan has come unstuck in time.

Paul Ryan has gone to sleep writing letters to support Wisconsin stimulus spending in 2010 and awakened voting against the stimulus in 2009, and then turned a corner into 2012 and announced “No, I never asked for stimulus.” He has walked through a door in 2010 carrying a budget proposal that would destroy Medicare and come out another one in 2012 holding hands with a man who insists that Barack Obama is the guy who wants to destroy Medicare. He has seen his position on earmarks evolve many times, he says, and pays random visits to all the events in between.

Now Paul Ryan is blaming Barack Obama for the closing of a GM plant in Janesville, Wisconsin. The factory closed two months before Obama became president.

“I remember President Obama visiting it when he was first running, saying he’ll keep that plant open,” Ryan said in Ohio Thursday, describing the shuttered GM factory in Janesville, Wis. “One more broken promise.”

Ryan said that the plant closed because of rising gas prices under Obama. It actually closed in December 2008, while George Bush was president, because nobody was buying the SUV’s it produced. Paul Ryan’s running mate, a man with the laughably improbable name of Willard, had published an editorial in 2008 saying it would be best to “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt,” and in 2012 was taking credit for how well the auto industy had recovered. But the GM assembly line in Janesville has been dead since 2008. So it goes.

Paul Ryan closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he was in Congress, and it was 2008, and so, like 32 other Republicans from districts with automobile factories in them, he voted for the auto bailout bill. He blinked again, and it was August 2012, and he was explaining to a reporter that he he thought that the stimulus bill President Bush signed was simultaneously wasteful and didn’t spend enough to help:

“What I voted for was to prevent a worse bailout. I voted for that bill to prevent TARP from being used to bail out the auto companies at more than three times the cost of that original legislation. And where I come from, where we lost four auto factories… the auto bailout didn’t work for us.”

Without warning, Paul Ryan found himself in in the distant future, in a zoo on the planet Tralfamadore, which the Tralfamadorians had helped him build. He was painfully aware that he had not built it all by himself, and the raucous laughter of the Tralfamadorians hurt his feelings. “Why me?” he asked. “Why you?” replied a Tralfamadorian. “Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is.” Paul Ryan wanted to talk more about why people should take responsibility for their poverty, but the Tralfamadorian merely handed him a copy of “The Gospel From Outer Space,” by Kilgore Trout.

And then Paul Ryan was standing in front of that factory in Janesville again, blaming Barack Obama for breaking a promise before Obama had even become president. Paul Ryan smiled, because he knew that Americans believe many things that are obviously untrue. Their most destructive untruth is that it is very easy for any American to make money. They will not acknowledge how in fact hard money is to come by, and, therefore, those who have no money blame and blame and blame themselves. This inward blame has been a treasure for the rich and powerful, who have had to do less for their poor, publicly and privately, than any other ruling class since, say, Napoleonic times.

Paul Ryan smiled again, and explained his plans to save Social Security by privatizing it.

[TPM]

 

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{ 261 comments }

nounverb911 August 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Can we use the GOP's time machine to encourage Ryan's mother to use birth control?

MonkeyMotion August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Or, in the words of Dan Akroyd:

"Not only would I pay for the abortion, I'd perform it myself."

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I voted for you. I should not win this contest.

Typodong3 August 17, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Sorry, but if the GOP had a time machine, they would have already gone back in time to make sure Reagan didn't actually balloon the deficit by trillions of dollars or rather, blame it on someone else since it was the military, so, GOOD, then jump forward and give Bush a decisive, intelligent look while sitting in elementary school on 9/11 (photoshopped). Oh and take photographs of Obama being born in Kenya while being baptized by Rev. Wright in his Muslin garb.

SorosBot August 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Or go further back and assassinate Lincoln before he won the Civil War.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 17, 2012 at 8:17 pm

No, no, no….Republicans are the party of (bad, terrible, awful) ideas, damnit! They would have done the following: 1) assassinated Lincoln and retroactively become the secessionist party, 2) assassinate Roosevelt to prevent him from fixing the mega fuckup capitalism caused (aka the Great Depression) and/ or let the 'businessman plot' go through and replaced the government with a fascist state. 3) they would have assassinated Kennedy AFTER his right-baiting of Nixon but before he did anything (so the neocons didn't have to be full of shit when they claim him)…4) or just see the mockumentary "The Confederate States of America" for the definitive account of a wingnut state in this day and age….

zippy_w_pinhead August 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm

retroactively?

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Retroactive abortion?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Birth control? I just wanna SLAP the bitch.

With votes, of course.

thatsitfortheother1 August 20, 2012 at 2:10 am

You misspelled "birf."

metamarcisf August 17, 2012 at 4:04 pm

You know who else could benefit from a stimulus?

WhatTheHeck August 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Me right now. I’m thinking of a glass of whisky with one ice cube.

metamarcisf August 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Or a 12-pack of Genesee Cream Ale

docteur_giraud August 17, 2012 at 4:20 pm

The Poors of Upstate NY agree: Genny Screamers are delicious with hobo beans.

metamarcisf August 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm

In Buffalo, hobo beans are called beer nuts.

AutomaticPilot August 17, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Also "hots," too.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 4:56 pm

They just give us *water* with OUR hobo beans. (Eyes le_docteur speculatively)

Typodong3 August 17, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Sure if you want to sit on the porcelain throne whilst reading Atlas Shrugged (with foreword by Paul Ryan) for 12 straight hours.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm

If you start reading that thing on the bog, you'll be glued there for at least that long. Unless you cack, which could also happen.

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I'm a bit of a slob. I'm rockin' the Steel Reserve baby!

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm

You look like a perfectly nice young man.

MinAgain August 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

The Tennessee Democratic party?

chicken_thief August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I thought Bristol swore off the sexy time stuff?

ProgressiveInga August 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Marcus?

SorosBot August 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Bob Dole?

RadioBowels August 17, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Janesville Wisconsin?

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Billy Pilgrim?

widestanceromance August 17, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Mike Hawk?

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Hmmmm…
Well, I know it can't be Hitler…

Tundra Grifter August 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Jenna Jameson – she ran her car into a utility pole. I'm sure she could use at least a hug (although she has "retired" from the adult film industry).

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:17 pm

I'm sorry, I DON'T HUG Romney supporters.

nounverb911 August 17, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Why didn't John Galt save the Twentieth Century Motor Company when he had the chance to, also.

cletar August 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

Because John Galt is kind of a dick.

GemlikeFlame August 19, 2012 at 10:32 am

And he was too busy humping Dagney. Also.

emmelemm August 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Reference to Tralfamadorians? SWOON!

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

This really is like an episode of Twilight Zone.

AbandonHope_ August 17, 2012 at 4:07 pm

If only Barack Obama had prevented that fateful assassination at Ford's Theater, none of this would've happened!

anniegetyerfun August 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm

That's the worst kind of broken promise, because he never even bothered to talk about preventing it. It just goes to show what a do-nothing president he really is.

Negropolis August 18, 2012 at 1:08 am

Barack Obama was really JWB, who did 9/11 and the Maine inside Pearl Harbor!

chicken_thief August 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Because P90X. And Jesus.

Typodong3 August 17, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Clearly, Jesus was an avid user of the P90X system. Have you SEEN his calves in those sandals?

ph7 August 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Those weren't nails through his hands – they were resistance pins for his delts and pects.

rickmaci August 17, 2012 at 5:03 pm

P90Xtians?

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I'm sorry, Off topic, but I'm really super excited! It's Bird Friday. After a Month of looking for this bird, I finally found it. Juvenile Yellow Crowned Night-heron. It's got a really long name because it's cool. YES! http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/7803664

Ok sorry. I'm done. I'll read Mr. Doktor Zooms post and try to think of something good to say.

ManchuCandidate August 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

So Bird is the word?

ChernobylSoup August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

What does it taste like?

nounverb911 August 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Chicken?

chicken_thief August 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

My money is on "chicken".

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Probably like some really good kind of candy. Like a Twin Bing or something.

Designer_Rants August 17, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Twin Bing is the "guest soaps" of the candy aisle. No one touches them.

deanbooth August 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Beautiful. Today we are all bird watchers.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Poo-tee-weet?

ProgressiveInga August 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

That Juvenile Yellow Crowned Night-heron is badass.

And will look lovely hanging on your wall!

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:25 pm

You are bad person.

ProgressiveInga August 17, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Total snark.

I'm really a bird-lover ♡. That heron is a beauty. And I really meant that the picture of him will look good hanging on your wall. Yeah, that's what I meant!

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Well ok, but I have my eye on you.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Birrrrrd – I loves me some black crowned night herons that we have here on the West Coast. Cool birds. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_crowned_night_

emmelemm August 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

He looks so small! And cute!

Very nice picture, Mr. Wildcat.

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:24 pm

He's like the size of a Chicken.

finallyhappy August 17, 2012 at 4:39 pm

What chicken? I was just at the county fair and saw tiny chickens and giant chickens. Perhaps an average chicken

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Here's a little Autobiography on him. http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Yellow-crowned
It's exciting because they are pretty rare around here. I'm on the extreme edge of their range. It may have been hatched here, and that's another conversation completely.
Ok, I better stop. This is Wonkette; not my bird blog. Thank you.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Oh, man, I want chickens SO bad!

WhatTheHeck August 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Once Obama closed that GM Plant, those herons had no place to nest. That’s why you had trouble sighting one. Blame Obama. Hater of herons.

SoBeach August 17, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Your bird pictures make me happy.

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Aw shucks. Thank you. This is my hobby. Everybody has one. This is mine. I just like taking pictures of Birds and shit. It's mostly aggravating and frustrating, but just the process of doing it no matter what the result…makes me happy. This dumb picture of a dumb ol' bird has me so excited I can't even sleep.

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Congrats DW. It's a gorgeous bird. I love your bird pictures. There are a number of bird nuts on teh wonkette, I believe.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Awk!

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Yes, but you're SO GOOD at it, DerrickWildcat. Thank you for sharing.

Pragmatist2 August 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Here on Wonkette we cheer on even the trivial accomplishments of our colleagues- mostly because that's all we have.

widestanceromance August 17, 2012 at 4:46 pm

So, will you all cheer me next Friday when my African grey parrot has his one-year hatchday? He hatched the day after the east coast earthquake, so that must mean something, right?

Pragmatist2 August 17, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I'll buy the drinks – for the parrot.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Good thing he's not a Norwegian Blue. They stun easy.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Pining for the fjords.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:25 pm

You didn't tell us you had an African grey! They're GREY-T!

widestanceromance August 20, 2012 at 11:31 am

Late reply, but I rarely go near the internets on the weekends. Yes, we have a grey. Visited with breeder and handled Marco since he was 2 weeks old, and nothing more than a tiny naked oven stuffer with a huge dinosaur head. He's been a delight since we brought him home last December. Does not speak clearly yet, but garbles all sorts of things as he is learning them. His favorite sound is of a drip, which I can make with my mouth, and he addresses us with a drip first thing in the morning and when he comes out to play. My partner taught him all manner of nonsense sound songs, which he loves to recite–and change up with hilarious twists. I'll be sure to post some pics sometime this week.

just_a_head August 17, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Ooooo! Does he speak in your voice? I knew an African grey that spoke in the voice of the lady who raised him. Very, very unsettling, and very, very cool!

They're linguistically fascinating, too.

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 10:18 am

They can sing heavy metal, too.

MissTaken August 17, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Walking to lunch I saw a one-legged pigeon get ass raped by a bigger, two-legged pigeon on the church steps. I wanted to take a picture, but then I didn't want to be a poseur since I'm not good at taking pictures of birds and shit.

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Even pigeons get surprise buttsecks?

Also, very telling that it happened on the church steps. Sure it wasn't being raped by a Cardinal?

Tundra Grifter August 17, 2012 at 8:13 pm

So – Having a Big Year, are you?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:18 pm

OMG, it's BEAUTIFUL!!! But I don't see the Yellow Crown. (Hugs you)

Thanks, Derrick Wildcat. I LOVE your bird pitchers.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Looking at you picture, I think I saw one of those in Central Park on a visit in May of 1999. Had no idea what it was. I think I have a photo. What stood out were the red eyes. Sort of like Paul Ryan when he thinks of cutting a program for the poor (and the circle is complete).

arihaya August 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

It was also Obama who responsible for the grassy knoll, John Hinckley, that blue stained dress, attacks on Oklahoma City and 9/11.

ProgressiveInga August 17, 2012 at 4:15 pm

But NOT for killing Osama Bin Laden.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:27 pm

No, that was managed by the Navy Seals, who never seemed to get around to it during the eight years that G.W. Bush was busy running the country into the ground.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm

The death of Charlemange, Disco and Nicanor of Epirus – also

sewollef August 17, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Pearl Harbor?

rickmaci August 17, 2012 at 5:06 pm

No cure for the common cold. What a snob.

Angry_Marmot August 17, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Son of a bitch canceled Firefly.

unclejeems August 17, 2012 at 5:21 pm

This just in. The Defense Department has learned that it was Obama who blew up the USS Maine. That's all 'til tomorrow.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I heard Obama was the one who let the dogs out.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Obama invented Crocs…

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Obama wrote those commercials that go:

"HEAD ON — APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!!"

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:34 pm

The guys in Milli Vanilli are Obama's cousins. They were gonna go to work in Sears, but then Obama told them to pursue their dream of a career in music.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm

No, no. Blame it on the rain.

Negropolis August 18, 2012 at 1:10 am

Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Too. Also. Tambien.

Misty Malarky August 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

"Listen: Paul Ryan has come unstuck in time."

So it goes.

chicken_thief August 17, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I bet the Big Dog wishes his had unstuck from that blue dress.

spareme August 17, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Vonnegut Libel!

Stevola August 18, 2012 at 10:04 am

Poo-tee-weet?

deanbooth August 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

In Mitt and Paul's excellent adventure, we'll all play Hungry, Hungry Hippos with Death.

miss_grundy August 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Do you think some brave reporter from the media will point out that the factory closed while Dubya was still in office? No? I didn't think so, either.

PuckStopsHere August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

GM closed the plant just as soon as they thought Obama might become President, citing market uncertainty, etc., so of course it's Obama's fault, duh.

bikerlaureate August 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Are we sure the President didn't visit that plant while on the stump?

Or anytime before it closed, really – saying within earshot what AynRyan claimed was said?

mavenmaven August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

The plant closed because they anticipated Obama's election and couldn't bear the thought of being open under a black president. That's why it closed.
Makes sense, you c**k-sucking robots? (oh, wrong book).

MinAgain August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Paul Ryan is like a baby chick. Every time he closes his eyes, it's a whole new world.

RadioBowels August 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Or a baby dick. Metrics for America!

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Duck! Duck! He meant duck!

Why is everybody down on the floor?

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I love that image. I'll be thinking of it all day.

ChernobylSoup August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Where do you buy the gall it takes to say the shit that these people say?

Typodong3 August 17, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Its not purchased, its secreted, along with gallons of dark, bitter bile, and stored in poison sacs alongside the thyroid glands.

zumpie August 17, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Ummm, Galmart????

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm

It's at Walmart, on the shelf next to the Kool-Aid and Brawndo.

BoroPrimorac August 17, 2012 at 9:16 pm

In Florida they're running the ad where Romney tells Obama to stop being a Chicago thug. They're probably spending millions on it.

Negropolis August 18, 2012 at 1:12 am

Walmart. Every damned things can be bought at Walmart. You can even buy a soul from Satan at Walmart, but no bargaining since everything's already marked down. Low, low prices. Always.

ProgressiveInga August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Obama is retroactively history's greatest monster.

OzoneTom August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I don't remember seeing Paul and Mittens in "Time Bandits".

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

The Romney character was played by John Cleese. I'm pretty sure the Ryan character was one of Evil's henchmen.

shelwood46 August 17, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Don't touch it, Mum, it's evil!

Angry_Marmot August 17, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Mental dwarves, not "meddling dwarves."

ManchuCandidate August 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

It only seemed like Obamer was in charge because W ran away screaming while the world was on the verge of falling apart…. never saw a president run away from his own responsibilities (and the mess he (and Dick) created) like W did.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:38 pm

And Obama knew it, too, which is why he had a team assembled and working on issues nearly a year before he actually became President. Damn, the country was falling apart right before our horrified eyes.

Negropolis August 18, 2012 at 1:13 am

Isn't crazy how quickly the Bushes slinked into the background? Hell, Hillary was damn-near politicking before she even got out of the White House, and Dubya is nowhere to be found.

WhatTheHeck August 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Obama promised us unicorns, kittens with whiskers and brown paper packages tied up with string. Where are they?

ChernobylSoup August 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm

The Germans took them.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Well….the kittens are in Gitmo
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/in-the-loop/p

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I always said the little fuckers were terrorists of the first water.

MinAgain August 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Karl Rove probably ate them.

anniegetyerfun August 17, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Schrodinger libel! (you're not supposed to tie the box up with string, are you?)

proudgrampa August 17, 2012 at 4:44 pm

String theory came much later, I think.

anniegetyerfun August 17, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Well played, gramps.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Come to Portland, and you'll see enough raindrops on roses to last you at least three lifetimes.

ibwilliamsi August 18, 2012 at 12:43 am

Burrowing a hole through your brain by way of your ears which misheard what was said.

Joshua Norton August 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

blaming Barack Obama for breaking a promise before Obama had even become president.

Desperately looking for a way to attack Obama without using the word "uppity".

not that Dewey August 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm

All automobile factories, living and dead, are purely coincidental.

edgydrifter August 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Obama lied about WMDs to provoke a war with Iraq. What a bastard!

MinAgain August 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

If Douglas Adams were still alive, he'd definitely model a character after Paul Ryan.

nounverb911 August 17, 2012 at 4:19 pm

The Vogons?

Generation[redacted] August 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I thought Karl Rove was the Vogon, seeing how Wonkette periodically reprints his poetry.

nounverb911 August 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm

See, see the Paul Ryan sky
Marvel at its big Mauve depths.
Tell me, Anne Romney do you
Wonder why the Rafalca ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel Farty.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your Sarah Palin facial growth
That looks like
A mold.
What's more, it knows
Your smegma potting shed
Smells of GOP.
Everything under the big Paul Ryan sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm Mitt Romneys.

–BBC's Vogon poem generator.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Well…I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly effective. Oh … and er … interesting rhythmic devices too.

viennawoods13 August 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

Eddies in the space-time continuum.

HistoriCat August 20, 2012 at 8:30 am

Oh – is he? Good, good.

Tequila Mockingbird August 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I blame Obama for letting the Challenger blow up.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I blame Obama for leading the Soviet intervention in Czechoslovakia.

zumpie August 17, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I blame him for not protecting either Kennedy brother better!

SorosBot August 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I blame us all; I mean, who killed the Kennedys? Well after all, it was you and me.

starfanglednut August 17, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Thanks for introducing yourself.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:19 pm

"who killed the Kennedys? Well after all, it was you and me"

Now Mitt will say that Sorosbot posted the following:
"Who killed the Kennedys? Well after all, it was [...] me."

cletar August 18, 2012 at 10:58 am

Well, yes, you and me. But mostly Obama.

Negropolis August 18, 2012 at 1:16 am

I blame Obama for Chamberlaining the Sudetenland.

SorosBot August 17, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Well we already know Obama can travel in time, which is how he planted the fake birth certificate and notices in Hawaii where he wasn't really born back when he was an infant; this just proves what I've been saying all along, that he was really born on Galifrey and is not a US citizen but an illegal alien Time Lord!

zumpie August 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm

No, no silly—-he just did that as an infant, along with dodging the draft to avoid serving in Viet Nam as a toddler and small child. Duh!!!!

Dudleydidwrong August 17, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Paul Ryan (R), Graduate of the Joseph Goebbels school of political campaigning.

sewollef August 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Or the Julius Streicher school of propaganda.

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Fox News: It's truly refreshing to hear a politician honest enough to admit that he lied. Mr. Ryan is admirable and an honorable Man for doing so.

rocktonsam August 17, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Ryan hasn't done much for Janesville , ever.

He is also on the November ballot to be re-elected to congress. Just covering all bases, i guess.

Ryan has someone running against him this time too,

MilwaukeeKent August 17, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Time to spread the rumor that you can't vote for someone twice on the same ballot, not that I'd ever suggest that, the rumor I mean, it'd be a shame if the voters of his district thought that, and then he and Romney didn't close the deal after all, and the district fell into Democratic hands…

SexySmurf August 17, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Paul Ryan has come unstuck in time.

Too bad he can't get his head unstuck from his rectum.

Billmatic August 17, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Even if it closed under Obama, it's still infuriating to listen to a small government Republican blameing a President for "killing jobs" or not "creating jobs" which, by his own philosophical stand point is not something the government should do in the first place.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm

So it goes.

coolhandnuke August 17, 2012 at 4:17 pm

"Obama also designed the Corvair, put the gas tanks in the Ford Pinto and sold John Delorean cocaine."—Paul Ryan.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Obama's also responsible for the Albigensian heresy, Roman numerals and Carrot-top.

sewollef August 17, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Don't forget he led the hordes in the destruction of the Library at Alexandria too.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Couldn't have been Obama–the Library at Alexandria was full of pagan knowledge, which an elitist would have wanted preserved for nefarious purposes.

unclejeems August 17, 2012 at 5:26 pm

I'd bet on the 1930s dust bowl, the assassination of the Archduke Ferdinand, the loss of the island fortress of Singapore, and the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa. Not to mention the genocide of the Armenians. And, of course, the loss of China.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 17, 2012 at 4:19 pm

This is just like that one season of Lost.

Negropolis August 18, 2012 at 2:02 am

Yeah, I stopped watching during the whole time skipping thingy. I later caught it in reruns, but it didn't help me understand anything any better.

alzronnie August 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

To these GOP assholes, the concept of time is just more science bullshit to be ignored.

johnnyzhivago August 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Give me ONE SHRED OF EVIDENCE that Obama tried to stop the Japanese from attacking Pearl Harbor!!! Talk about dishonor!!!!!!!!!!

I'm waiting!!!

SwanSwanH August 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Feels like Fareed Zakaria maybe wrote this?

RadioBowels August 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Obama did 9/11. Wake up people.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Barack Obama = Grassy Knoll

Mittens Howell, III August 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm

It would be best to let Ryand / Romney go morally bankrupt.

Oops! too late. My bad.

Blueb4sinrise August 17, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Paul Ryan: Farting and tap-dancing.

Paul Ryan if a fucking LIAR. Also.

johnnymeatworth August 17, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Sure, Paul's just laying the groundwork for when he pushes his tax plan through Congress next month.

IonaTrailer August 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Like a giant constipated bowel movement.

anniegetyerfun August 17, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Barack Obama gave my mom diabetes in 1977.

Baconzgood August 17, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Always enjoy a Vonnegut reference. RIP Kurt, you are missed by Baconz.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I think Vonnegut said "Fuck all this shit," and threw himself down the stairs.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Gravity was not kind to Science Fiction in 2006-2007. It got Octavia Butler, too.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 6:57 pm

I loved Octavia Butler especially the Parable novels.

Misty Malarky August 17, 2012 at 5:48 pm

"Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling donut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooon?"

Vonnegut!

BZ1 August 17, 2012 at 4:25 pm

and then he twisted himself into the ground…

NorthStarSpanx August 17, 2012 at 4:25 pm

“Bill,” George Romney said then, quietly, “politics will break your heart.”

TootsStansbury August 17, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Prevaricator and Vice Prevaricator. When did it become ok to lie when running for the highest office in the land? I think Willard and Paulie boi are having some kind of contest.

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Hey,hey! Lets use words we all understand!

rockyoumonkeys August 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm

If Obama's such a great president, why didn't he stop 9/11? Why didn't he get us out of 'Nam? Oh sure, he can kill bin Laden, but why couldn't he stop Hitler?

WHY DIDN'T HE SAVE THE DINOSAURS?!?!?

sbj1964 August 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm

The question is can he do anything to keep George Lopez from getting another TV show?

RadioBowels August 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm

You're right Dok, he should be kicked in the stomach with this stuff until he bleeds from his mouth. And another huge fibber he's got is that his Destroy Medicare and Give The Job Creators More Tax Breaks Budget is that the same $700 billion cuts for Medicare are in there. He tried to dodge it yesterday by saying they were "baseline" and some gobbledygook about ObamaRomneyCare.
Seems he has got more skeletons in his closet than an anatomy lab.

Dudleydidwrong August 17, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Sorta OT, but not really: http://www.onetermmore.com/video_subtitles.html

(If this has been posted before, I apologize.)

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 10:40 pm

I hadn't seen it. Thanks!

viennawoods13 August 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

THAT was beautiful!

widestanceromance August 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

"You see, there is a portal behind a file cabinet in my Congressional office where I fell into the past. I also fell into that man's rectum that way, too, in case TMZ finds those photos, which do not in this plane of existence exist."

Come here a minute August 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

The Paul Ryan budget, or The Children's Crusade: A Duty Dance With Death.

thefrontpage August 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Today, in a bizarro speech in Twilight Zone, Iowa, Paul "Nostradomus" Ryan said, "I also blame Obama for the Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, that Civil War skirmish, World War I, World War II, The Great Depression of the 1930s, the Dust Bowl drought, and the drought of 2012. Also, I blame him for New Coke."

johnnymeatworth August 17, 2012 at 4:45 pm

And the 3/5 Compromise.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

If only Obama had shot Hitler in 1924, none of this would happen.

pdiddycornchips August 17, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Paul Ryan is a very serious fiscal conservative who just happened to support blowing up the budget with two wars and a huge tax cut for millionaires. He's going to save Medicare by destroying it. He does not support the auto bailout even though he voted for it. He did not ask for stimulus funds except the couple of times that he did ask for stimulus funds.
That's just what came out this week. I can't wait for the VP debates. Joe's gonna make him cry like a bitch on her wedding day.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm

"Joe's gonna make him cry like a bitch on her wedding day."

And for pretty much the same reas–…
*giant hook comes out of wings and yanks comment offstage*

widestanceromance August 17, 2012 at 4:39 pm

What the hell kind of mind-bending drugs are these people on? Is don Juan an advisor?

W. T. F.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann must be selling them part of their stashes.

MilwaukeeKent August 17, 2012 at 11:48 pm

I dunno, but if naked delegates start eating each other's faces — and not in a good way — on the floor of the convention hall, that might be the clue we need.

ph7 August 17, 2012 at 4:39 pm

gaffe = mandatory VP replacement.

Sorry Mitt, we didn't make these rules. Fox did.

MadBrahms August 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm

This is the worst episode of "Dr. Who" ever.

Fred_Wertham_Jr August 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm

What about Obama's affair with Montana Wildhack?

Angry_Marmot August 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Valerie Perrine= VP= coincidence?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2012 at 4:42 pm

While I appreciate my esteemed collegue, Doktor Zoom's theory, I still am swayed by the belief that Paul Ryan was sent back from the last hold outs of Galt Gulch, who bravely cloned Ayn Rand, but making her a man this time so she would have actual power, and sent her back to save us from those pesky little workers who keep wanting a fair wage for their work. Sure, they stole the idea from Terminator, and they got some of their research wrong, and they sent him back to befriend the robot this time, but, you have to admit, when he rips Joe Biden's heart out during the debate, no one will question him after that.

Butch_Wagstaff August 17, 2012 at 5:16 pm

"Sure, they stole the idea from Terminator…"

Harlan Ellison's lawyers on line one…

marconidarwin August 17, 2012 at 5:00 pm

That is a confusing picture of a closed GM plant. How can we really be sure that it is not actually a picture of an operational FEMA camp?

GeorgiaBurning August 17, 2012 at 5:04 pm

It is very easy to make money in America. Most middle class families with $10 million have no problem doubling or tripling it in less than five years. Of course, your middle class may be different then the Republicans'.

proudgrampa August 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Time is the Simplest Thing.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm

You'd think so, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.

(Dr. Who, since I can't think of a suitable pun on the author you reference. I dunno… Simak my ass and call me Judy?)

proudgrampa August 17, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Oh, Doktor. I KNEW you'd get it!

bobbert August 19, 2012 at 3:11 am

Pinkness libel?

rickmaci August 17, 2012 at 5:12 pm

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”

So you see, Alice should be the Republican poster girl, not Ayn Rand.

DahBoner August 17, 2012 at 5:17 pm

But can he feed a whole crowd of Zillionaires with just one jar of caviar?

Miracles or STFU…

Toomush_Infer August 17, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Geez, either you guys have just eaten up all the snark on this time continuum, or it's just worn-out Friday for me….Cuba Libres all around!!!!….

a_pink_poodle August 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm

He could have time traveled back to December 2008! Jeez, do I have to think of everything around here?

barto August 17, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Clearly the victim here is Paul Ryan because president Obama failed to do things that he never said he would do before he could possibly do them, duh!

BlueStateLibel August 17, 2012 at 6:20 pm

And then one day in the future, Paul Ryan will find himself standing in front of the wreck of his political career, wondering, "What happened?"

azeyote August 17, 2012 at 6:57 pm

it was obama who ate the apple that started this whole mess in the first place, or was he really eve, in drag?

mrblifil August 17, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Apparently the Swift Boaters got an upgrade to Candidate.

ttommyunger August 17, 2012 at 8:44 pm

You know why Ryan and Mittens always look so smug? They know their base is gong to vote for them no matter what bullshit they throw out there. It doesn't have to be true, it doesn't even have to make sense; they know they've got the "Get the niggers out of the White House" vote, regardless and they're banking on the economy tanking bad enough between now and November to turn the Independents against Barry.

BoroPrimorac August 17, 2012 at 9:36 pm

I'm telling y'all. Paul Ryan was picked to run with Turd Romney because someone hates him.

MilwaukeeKent August 17, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Don't make me believe in a God at this point, since, if I believe in one, what if I offend the others?

resolvedwaldron August 17, 2012 at 11:11 pm

What cat, what cradle? "Sometimes the Pool-Pah exceeds the power of humans to comment" Bokonon translates pool-bah…as "shit storm." And so it goes!

Warpde August 17, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Musts gets handz on Ryan thyme mashine……..
Hair greyur……sminds weeker……..thogts dishevllled….whif kno lunger interested in sux….
worn mCcan aboot pAlan…..buch aboot Chany…..vetou sinatre helth kare in Masi2shits…
ducter up? know down texas….surry taxes…..qwuit bane in 19ougt 09…..bury harie in feeld….
put shumus in trunk……pik Ryan as vepee befur 2 late……..steal time machine and…….

Hi, I'm Mitt Romney.
I am happy to announce my pick for VP.
Pual Ryan.
Just a sec….gotta go for for a tic.

Hi, I'm Mitt Romney.
I am happy to announce my pick for VP.
Paul Ryan.

HA ha ha. Bwaa ha ha ha, bwaa bwaa ha ha ha.

ibwilliamsi August 18, 2012 at 12:42 am

Can I just say this now? "Fucking retard."

Negropolis August 18, 2012 at 1:03 am

We had to destory the Medicare/Social Security to save the Medicare/Social Security…

Honestly, that is their message in a nutshell.

cletar August 18, 2012 at 11:04 am

See, the whole blame-Obama-for-Bush-era-things makes perfect sense if you watch that last episode of Next Generation. Remember, there was that temporal distortion in the Neutral Zone and unstuck-in-time Picard realized to his horror that it got bigger IN THE PAST? Obama is like that. He's so socialisty-Kenyan bad that he gets worse the farther back you go, until, once you pass the actual technical boundaries of his presidency he becomes very bad indeed. He sends waves of presidential badness rippling back in time.

Hope that helps clear it up.

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 11:24 am

We must check to see if Brent Spiner has a grey streak in his hair.

cletar August 18, 2012 at 11:06 am

BARACK OBAMA MADE MY CROPS DIE WITH HIS WEATHER POWERZ.

ProgressiveInga August 17, 2012 at 4:48 pm

You really are a bird watcher!

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Birds are totally OK in a Vonnegut – tribute post. How about a prothonotary warbler, like the ones living in the piano showroom at the top of the Chrysler Building in Jailbird?

finallyhappy August 17, 2012 at 7:57 pm

So on the map from that link- I see this is the bird we have seen in our park(because there are a lot of sightings listed from names I know in the neighborhood- and the park is the one behind my house)). however, we(those of us who have seen the nest, the parents and the babies for the past 3 years- but are not good birders) thought it was called a yellow crested grey heron. It was very exciting when it nested here because we usually saw only robins and sparrows and chickadees.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:21 pm

WHERE IS YOUR BIRD BLOG? WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS FROM ME?

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Thanks Man. They come through here, but I don't have a picture. Warblers in general are really difficult. About the size of your thumb, are in constant motion, glean insects from way up high in trees and are mostly obscured by leaves and branches. It's patience and luck with those guys. It's also a really sore neck.

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I bet you're going to tell me they can't be trained to poop in teacups, too!

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Maybe, I am not certain. But here's what's it's like taking a picture of a Warbler in general.
"Oooh, right there, do you see it?"
"No, where"
"Ok, look at the Large Tree about two o'clock from the little tree right in front of us."
"Which little tree right in front of us?"
"That one!"
"WHICH ONE?! THERE ARE 3 FUCKING LITTLE TREES RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!? No wait, I see him. Shit…shit…shit. Hold still for a second you little motherfucker…shit…God damn it! Did you see where that little fucker went?"
"No, did you get any shots off?"
"Let me look, shit. Shit. God Damn it! Nothing but yellowish blobs. God, I hate fucking birds!"
"C'mon, chill dude, we'll see another one."
"Shut up."

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:02 pm

That's a serious medical condition.

tessiee August 17, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Isnt that how Elvis died…

35 YEARS AGO TODAY???!!!

dun dun dunnnnn!

Doktor Zoom August 17, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Wow. That makes it a full year since Michele Bachman wished him a happy birthday

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:15 pm

OMFG, you are SO awful, girl. And I mean that in the best way.

Now I'm gonna be imagining tiny shark fins in the terlet bowl.

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 8:15 pm

That fucking cow has been a boil on the national consciousness THAT long?

finallyhappy August 17, 2012 at 8:39 pm

we talked to some farmers about them at the fair- one guy said chickens – not roosters!- are easy- if you have just a few. There were some english blue chickens that looked like healthy pigeons and I wondered if we could get away with them- as chickens are illegal where I live

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 9:31 pm

My neighbor left his coop open and some of his were wandering around the other day. You want I should snag one for you?

Doktor Zoom August 18, 2012 at 10:16 am

Oh, man, I want chickens SO bad!

Be careful what you wish for!

MittBorg August 17, 2012 at 9:14 pm

OMG. That sounds so cute and perfect! My grandmother had chickens, I grew up on her farm. Then my Dad wanted some, but my Mum wanted to make lunch out of 'em, and Dad said he couldn't do that because he had known them since they were eggs. The English Blues sound wonderful, and I'll bet nobody would know.

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Would you like to come over to my place?

doloras August 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Death's too good for you.

glasspusher August 17, 2012 at 10:27 pm

That's a good tack- keep going with it…

Designer_Rants August 17, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Chicken Thief libel!

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 2:50 pm

No, no! Can't steal chickens, I'll come back as one for 87 lifetimes. FinallyHappy suggested some interesting breeds. I just have to get all buff again so I can rappel down the hill to feed the buggers of a morning.

Warpde August 17, 2012 at 10:56 pm

That and longer.
She's the boil that pusses up and pops, pusses up again and pops, pusses up when you would lest expect it and then BAMB!!! pops.
Over and over again my friend.

Just like those shitty Father Day ties I get every year.
Never ending disappointment.
Oh great….now I'm sad.

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Aw, no, man. Just NO. I can't believe you ended that sentence that way.

(pulls covers back over head, sobs silently)

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 2:53 pm

You has teh fjords?

MittBorg August 18, 2012 at 5:01 pm

(Hugs Warpde) Don't be sad. Talk to the kid(s) and tell them what you'd RLY like for Father's Day. Kids give you horrible stuff because they don't know any better.

And ignore Bachmann. Your sanity may depend on it.

bobbert August 19, 2012 at 2:58 am

For some reason, this reminds me of me trying to play golf.

glasspusher August 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Listen pal, when the chicken crosses the road, it's fair game (so to speak).They weren't home when I found their chickens out of the coop. I need to go by when they are so I can ask them what to do in case this happens again.Also, I have a co-worker who ordered chicks in the mail, (from Ohio!) and has 5 chickens in his backyard now, he's in El Cerrito. He brings in fresh eggs for us from time to time. All different color shells! Who needs easter?

MittBorg August 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I think you really are my neighbour. Their chickens are always getting flattened by the neighbourhood cars or attacked by the neighbourhood dogs because they don't bother to keep them on the property. Ordering chickens in the mail from Ohio? Wow. Wouldn't they be traumatized after that journey?

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