What happens to our former scribes when they leave the fairest pastures of Your Wonkette for the “real world”? Some of them go to Time, some start cults in the desert, some come back to Wonkette for additional “funnin’ on the Internet.” Everyone else just gets yelled at by Donald Trump after writing funny insults about him. It turns out that instead of closing Big Deals all day, Trump mostly just reads people making fun of him on the Internet and has his assistants “fire back” by drafting a letter, or a tweet. Most recently, Salon’s Alex Pareene, who edited Wonkette in the 1950s or so, joined the rest of the Internet in making fun of Trump’s secret plans for the Republican National Convention yesterday, earning himself the hilarious tweeted response you see up top. Who else has transgressed our nation’s greatest vulgar fathead businessman in such a way as to merit a petty response?

The wars between Vanity Fair‘s Juli Weiner, née “Wonkette Intern Juli,” and Trump have been the most bombastic over the past couple of years, with Trump taking his lingering 1980s grudge with former Spy editor and current Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter out on the comical Ms. Weiner. (Carter’s Spy, famously, used to call Trump a “short-fingered vulgarian.”) First was the “BAD WRITER!” incident of 2011:

A year later, and he was too scared to call her by name:

Trump also went full-printout on Boston Globe reporter and beloved former Wonketteer Garrett “Token Paultard” Quinn. We hadn’t known about this until about half an hour ago, when Quinn described the attack in an exclusive Wonkette gchat interview.

Garrett: So Trump printed out this blog post on his dealings in AC
Scanned it
And emailed it to me

me: haha. he sent one like that to juli weiner once. I’m doing a post on it.

Garrett: His letter to me wasn’t because of something I wrote on Wonkette but still, I was taken aback when I got it

me: yeah he is insane

Garrett: Let me find it. Hold on
It was the lamest thing too because it was a post on eminent domain abuse

Here is the note:

Who is next?

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • nounverb911

    Please go back to your home planet in Jamaica and stop bothering us.

  • Trump always looks like he just stepped out of a loser salon.

  • who's next? Sara K. Smith and her Cute K Baby, that's who.

    • not Baby K. Smith!

    • vulpes82

      Nooo! Not the baby! That MONSTER!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Sara K. "Tube Sox" Smith?

  • nounverb911

    I read on the internet that Trump is actually spanky2b in disguise.

    • MissTaken

      Bad Commenter
      (no surprise)

      • SorosBot

        And an actual stalker, unlike the delightful Ms. Weiner.

    • widestanceromance

      Ooh, he's been at ID page. I'll never look there again.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    "Old Man Yells at Cloud."

    • emmelemm

      May Have Shaken Fist.

    • "Bird Shits on Head."

      • RadioBowels

        Looks like a squirrel to me.

        • sullivanst

          Passed through the raptor like a dose of salts.

    • miss_grundy

      Why does his hair always look like a fracking rat's nest?????

  • Donald Trump singlehandedly proves the inverse relationship between money and character.

  • CrunchyKnee

    The short-fingered vulgarian's word salads are about as good as those twatted by Lou Sarah. I wonder if they share wig makers?

    • I think they also have the same boob implants.

      • What a coincidence!
        When I think of total jokes and losers, I think of The Donald!

  • ChernobylSoup

    Is that a trade up, or down, from Intern Riley's nemesis/lover/stalker?

    • Orange skin trumps Trump hair. Anyone can have bad hair. It takes decades of alcohol abuse to achieve Speaker Tangerine®.

    • SorosBot

      Well unlike Trump he's still dead…

    • bikerlaureate


  • anniegetyerfun

    I miss Garrett.

  • Weenus299

    His handwriting reeks of display and screams: Look at the way I fucking write, because you're a fucking moron! signed, Series of Zigzags

    • PubOption

      That's a signature? i thought he was drawing the symbol for a resistor.

  • Our next Secretary of State!

    • nounverb911

      State of confusion?

      • Callyson

        State of denial.

        • foxpuppet

          Queen of denial.

          • HistoriCat

            Cleopatra libel!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Can't wait to read what he tweets to North Korea.

      • CthuNHu

        @LilBittyKim You call THAT a grandiose monument to an Eternal Leader? #getarealcharactercult #selfworshipfail

  • aguacatero

    Today we have learned a new saying in praise of healthy body mass, following too long after Jackie Kennedy's "no food tastes as good as thin feels," namely, "nothing feels as good as being called skinny by hideously swollen ogre Donald Trump"

  • AbandonHope_

    I like how his signature looks like the scribbling of an overly-caffeinated three-year-old pretending to sign something.

    • Looks like Dick Cheney's electrocardiogram.

      • AbandonHope_

        "We've replaced Dick Cheney's heart with a 600Hz sawtooth wave generator… let's see if anybody notices."

      • NellCote71

        I would rather it be a long, flat line.

  • ph7

    Proof that hair grows poorly on thin skin.

  • Baconzgood

    I make fun of Capt. Toupee why doen't he send me some bizarre scan with Sharpie notes on it?

  • elviouslyqueer

    I haven't seen that big a load of crap since all my dogs went out to the backyard to take their collective morning constitutional.

  • badseeds

    That signature. . .it's so authoritative. When did Detlef Schrempf start tangling with ex-Wonkette scribes?

    • aguacatero

      Thank you. For too long there was not nearly enough Detlef Schrempf on this site.

      • Billmatic

        or anywhere else for that matter

    • emmelemm

      Damn… that's a blast from the past.

  • Extemporanus
    • MissTaken

      Nice sharpie!

      • Extemporanus

        He secretly wishes that it were black…and bigger…and not a Sharpie…

    • elviouslyqueer

      That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

      • Extemporanus

        You do not have a queer worthly Wokette skum, your opinions and your sense of humor and the absurd attempt to make something useful of your life you will try to hate it. try to find a job that you are all unemployed, or at least outside the house since occasionallt. This entire blog can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any

    • no_gravity

      He looks like he's smelling a fart in that picture.

  • fartknocker

    He needs to be focusing on his big lame surprise in Tampa, which I am hoping is baldness.

    • foxpuppet

      I'm still holding out for that vow of silence…

      I can dream, right?

    • LetUsBray

      I have my fingers crossed for ass herpes on his mouth, while coincidentally there's news that Willard has mouth herpes on his ass.

  • MissTaken

    "I'm not just the Loser Salon president, I'm also a client"

    ~ Donald Trump

  • nounverb911

    Is it too late to give Manhattan back to the Indians?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Nah, first thing they'd do is kick out all the illegal immigrants. Then we're stuck with Trump in New Jersey.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      At least the Indians know how to make money with a fucking casino. (Tribe to Trump: "You're fired!")

  • AbandonHope_

    Lucky I did not buy it

    Yeah, good thing, Trump, you might have had to declare bankruptcy three or four more times.

    • bibliotequetress

      "Lucky," yes, because based on his history, "informed and intelligent decision making" is not how the Donald does business.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Donald Trump calling anyone a third rate anything is so hypocritical that I think it ripped open a hole in the spacetime continuum and the kicker? The hole itself still wouldn't be able to fit his fat head through it.

    Donald, listen .,. you pale, ginger, soulless fuck. You were such a blowhard that your campaign for the presidency crashed and burned before Michele Bachmann's and Rick Perry's. What the fuck does that say to you when those two inbred Republican morons have more viability in their party than you – you loony piece of bloated shit?

    Also, you look like you're wearing a rat king on your fat, ugly, freckled and pale white head.

    • Harrison Wintergreen

      Damn you, DI, that link is gonna give me nightmares.

    • BornInATrailer

      That is a fine point. Can't last as long as those two half wits, can't ever poll as high as Slow Smiles.

    • sullivanst

      The term was not originally used in reference to actual rats, but for persons who lived off others.

      A perfect fit.

  • I wish somebody (Biden maybe?) would chain Donald and Sarah to the bottom of the ocean

    • sullivanst

      Chain chain chain
      Chain of fools

    • Thurman Munster IV

      With votes!

  • mookwrthwilson

    Does Donald realize that he is a joke in every circle?

    • foxpuppet

      And a jerk…

  • Further proof of why we should have the rich rule us. They are our betters, and must not be questioned!

    • JustPixelz

      Be careful. They are called "job creators" now.

  • UnholyMoses

    I will gladly be next if Wonkette would give me a paying gig, rather than taking advantage of my wit by making me post for free* in the comment section.

    (* Free for Wonkette, not my current employer.)

    • AbandonHope_

      Hey, you should be happy, we're also supplying about half of Leno's nightly monologue.

      • viennawoods13

        Really? someone watches Leno?

  • Estproph

    I'm beginning to think that thing on top of Trump's head is some sort of alien mind control device.

  • ChernobylSoup

    An insult from Trump is kind of like what you get walking up to a French castle in a Monty Python script.

    • mavenmaven

      Not nearly as clever.

  • Billmatic

    I like Pareene but at this point I feel like coming back to Wonkette would be a step up from Salon aka Gawker for People Who Think They Are Intellectuals.

  • b[redact]opple

    I don't think anyone is surprised that a picture of Donald Trump is by definition going to be "bad."

  • elviouslyqueer

    Gotta say, the sheer amount of ego and puffery, especially in Donald's hit piece of darling Juli, is mighty impressive. Never mind that he's probably full of enough hot air to blow his toupee into orbit. Around Neptune.

  • RadioBowels

    Who is next?

    Doktor Zoom you better dust off your long form diploma.

  • Billmatic

    What's up with that signature by the way, are those even letters?

    • AbandonHope_

      He's vaguely aware that the hand moves up and down when you're signing something… unfortunately, that maxed out the small working functionality of his brain, and it forgot to compose actual letters. Or glyphs of any sort, for that matter.

      Somebody hit his reset button. I'm pretty sure it's under that access cover he calls his hair.

    • MissTaken

      Be nice! It's difficult to write your name when your fingers are only 1 inch long.

      • sullivanst

        But 3 inches around.

        • MissTaken

          He's hung like a tuna can.

  • Callyson

    And in a related story:

    Trump's Birther Antics Are Driving Away His Liberal Audience
    He may be dumber than you think: Exclusive research reveals "Celebrity Apprentice" viewers are the most Democratic in primetime TV.

    • Generation[redacted]

      WTF big bang theory leans republican? That's a surprise.

      • DahBoner

        Hint: Most Republicans think the 'Big Bang' is about an orgy…

  • RadioBowels

    You know who else attacked left-leaning dick joke blogs?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Cindy McCain?

    • Cindy McCain!
      No wait. She took it out on something called 'wonkett'

    • sullivanst

      Tough one. Did Bill O'Reilly take a break from whining about the Great Orange Satan one night, perhaps?

    • foxpuppet

      All of us, Katie.

  • MinAgain

    Somebody fell out of the spiteful asshole tree and hit every branch on the way down.

  • Katydid

    There once was a dickwad named Trump
    Who would scream and moan and harumph
    While tweeting one day
    His toupe flew away
    And all that was left was a stump

  • sudsmckenzie

    Alex Pareene, histories greatest Roseanne.

  • JustPixelz

    Trump is mad because Pareene basically started his piece with Trump's obituary:

    Donald Trump, an oft-bankrupt make-believe mogul clown with a television show where he pretends to fire America’s saddest former celebrities, is one of the Republican Party’s most prominent national figures, because he is on TV and people have heard of him.

  • arihaya

    Stupid Trump, losers don't write for Salon. They write for NRO.

  • midnighttoker69

    Wow. What a head case this Trump guy is. I can't help but think that if I owned the entire east coast, I would completely not give a kinky, internet-porn fuck about what every blogger and magazine thought about me, let alone make it my mission to refute every single one of them.

  • Trump has been known to send fax to his hair, ordering it to stay down.

  • Trollish Dump was so successful in his feud with Rosie O'Donnell that he's decided picking internet spats is going to be his singular contribution to American culture. Well, that and debasing the already-sickening reputation of boorish white social climbing bastards everywhere.

  • hollywooddood

    What is Trump known as again? Total asshole?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Hey Donald, you are fuckin' dumb fuck. If you don't like the anonymity of this, I will say it to your grizzled, geezer face…you dumb fuckin' fuck.

  • Do you kiss your mom with that perma-sneer, Donald. Or do you let that scalp-varmint do it for you.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba


    I wonder if Trump said the same about Mittens, and the Texas subdivision he bought for his spawn.

  • SorosBot

    I'm annoyed that Vanity Fair's website always causes my Firefox to freeze for several minutes, making it almost impossible to read Former Intern Juli's bloggings there.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      90% probability it's a hanging dns lookup on an ad provider.

  • Ruhe

    The Donald attempts to fill a cup that has no bottom.

  • prommie

    Dumbest fucking lawyer I ever knew in all my life once asked me to help research this arcane little area of law involving eminent domain. Dumb fucking fuck kept insisting "I know there is this case out there that says Blah Blah Blah." I would research, and since the case was imaginary, of course I could never find it. But I would report back the results of my research, and because the results were not what dumbfuck dumbass McDumberson wanted to hear, she assumed I had misunderstood the issue and kept saying "no no no, you don't understahhhnd." Finally she had to go find an equally stupid lawyer willing to misread the law in a way that fit with her desire for what the law ought to be so she could win. Then she went to court and the judge handed her ass to her. Boy howdy I am skating close to the edge here. Lets just say, umm, well you see, umm, how about I put it this way, Vera Coking may have been a party to the suit. Its so long ago, my memory is so bad.

    • Tundra Grifter

      "Dumbest fucking lawyer I ever knew in all my life…"

      Son, you can cover a whole lot of ground in a hurry.

    • LetUsBray

      This lawyer, was she by any chance also a dentist and real estate agent?

  • pdiddycornchips

    Twitter was invented so that egomaniacs can broadcast their self absorbed rants to a world wide audience. To Trump, it's the worlds second greatest invention, right behind gold plating.

    • sullivanst

      Donald scrawls his tweets in sharpie, and faxes them to an intern to type.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Seriously, that is the most disturbing thing about this episode to me. It would take a demented 68 year old to print out a website.

  • Tommy1733

    "Jim Newell, you ignorant slut!"

    • sullivanst

      "Donald, you pompous ass"

  • Tundra Grifter

    From now on, the pathetic roster of has-beens and never-wases the GNoP has to round up to support its anti-social positions will be known in my book as "T-List Celebrities."

  • BZ1

    The Donald is castigating someone for being a lightweight? Does irony have no bounds??

  • DahBoner

    edited Wonkette in the 50's

    Gee, Wally! What's this I read about Assfucking?

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Ask Walter Sobchak.

  • JackObin

    Little Donnie is an idiot and he has a cocker spaniel on his head.

  • T3rbo

    this may be ot, but this idiot proves that the Romney campaign is being run by those who make dubious choices. Why would you want to associate yourself with this idiot, anyway? He is like a cartoon character version of how poor people view rich people. I fully expect him to don a wrestling outfit for the Repub convention and carry around silver bags with dollar signs on them and say idiotic things to get boos from the hilbilly WWE-style crowd. Trump is a professional wrestler heel, not a good guy, and this is who you want to associate with, RNC? What's next, Romney and Trump are going to pound on Hulk Hogan, with a folding chair, at the RNC convention and expect everyone to cheer?

    • sullivanst

      Also, Sununu's no-no screaming at Soledad O'Brien for daring to highlight that some of the factual claims he was attempting to make were in fact the opposite of the truth, and today's T-Paw experience with the same interviewer resulting in him questioning her grasp of English when she refused to accept his attempt to imply that the ACA reduces Medicare benefits.

      Romney is a terrible person surrounding himself with terrible people, would be my takeaway.

  • vodkamuppet

    Whenever I read Donald Trump all I hear is Darrel Hammond making fun of Donald Trump.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Wait, wait, wait. Someone printed out a blog post, scribbled on it, and then scanned and uploaded it? This is my brain on drugs.

  • thefrontpage

    Hey, Trump, you want to go mano a mano about government and politics, current events, news, news judgement, and Democrats versus Republicans? I'm game, and it's on! You want me, you can reach me right here! You host, you provide the transportation and lodging, and I'll be there, suckah! I will gladly debate you head-on, face to face, if you're man enough! And by the way, Trump, you are a moron, an idiot, a doofus, a dweeb, and unprofessional, offensive, stupid, backwards, ignorant, uneducated, inexperienced, out-of-it, out of the zeitgeist, and completely, totally, 100 percent inexperienced and uneducated in government and politics, current events, civics and community issues, and news. And you 100 percent completely unqualified to appear at political conventions, run for office, or hold any political office–including dogcatcher. That's right, dogcatcher.

  • rmontcal23


  • rmontcal23

    OMG that signature! It is like he had a brain related event in the middle of it.

  • insidebeltway

    Sarah Palin petty.

  • barto

    Hey Don! Guess who else is known as a total joke in political circles.

  • bikerlaureate

    The only "political circles" this quitter is acquainted with are those he makes when chasing his own tail.

  • ttommyunger

    One would think a Billionaire Real Estate Mogul would not bother himself with the scribblings of little reporters and bloggers, but then one never met this insecure turdlette, has one?

  • Soylent Green

    He's just like Willard when it comes to the snappy comeback.

  • rocktonsam

    people still say 'hence?'

  • Sister_Ray

    The Donald is living proof of the truth of Objectivism. How else would he have acquired all that wealth if not by his own hard work and intellectual prowess?

  • LibertyLover

    I wonder if Trump will need to have knee surgery soon with all of those knee jerk reactions.

  • docterry6973

    I sure do hope that The Donald has a great surprise ready for the GOP convention. I hope he springs this surprise during Christie's speech.

  • Craig

    Please don't let the mean man with the funny hair bad touch Riley.

  • CastleRockBear

    So, will his hair be running for president in 2016? I think it might have a better chance! (because it can not speak) LOL

  • insidebeltway
Previous articlePennsylvania Judge: Voter ID Law Might Not Disenfranchise Like 700,000 Poor People, So, Upheld!
Next articleLet Us Now Add ‘Medicare’ To List Of Things Obama Campaign Is Not Allowed To Say