one of these things is not like the others

Fox Nation Asks: Paul Ryan And Matt Damon, Separated At Birth?

Holy smokes, which one is which? How is it that nobody until now has noticed the eerie similarity between Hollywood Lieberal Matt Damon (“Matt Damon”) and beefy conservahunk and potential vice president of US America Paul Ryan? They have the same number of eyebrows … They both have hair … Hmmm. Is it possible they do not actually look like each other at all? NO, IDIOT. It is NOT.

Here are some things that look more like other things than Paul Ryan looks like Matt Damon (“Matt Damon”).

Here is a USB cord that looks more like a tampon than Paul Ryan looks like Matt Damon.

Here is a laptop case that looks more like a pizza box than Paul Ryan looks like Matt Damon.

Here is an oven mitt that looks more like a “like” than Paul Ryan looks like Matt Damon.

Finally, this cat looks more like Paul Ryan than Paul Ryan looks like Matt Damon.

Oh, sorry, that is Hitler.

[FoxNation Twitterz]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. UnholyMoses

      IMHO, the dude looks like a cross between Eddie Munster and Howdy Doody who was raised by a pack of wild Droopies.

      But I'm color blind, so …

    1. sewollef

      "All white people look the same to Fox Nation, the racists."

      Is Matt Damon white…? Well of course I don't notice colour or silly things like that.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      So did Ryan forget he was an Ayn Rand worshipping Objectivist douchebag the same way Jason Bourne forgot his own name in the first movie?

  1. savethispatient

    That's nothing, I've got a turnip that's shaped like a thingy! And sadly, a thingy that's shaped like a turnip.

          1. MittBorg

            You cetainly did, you sod! It's been ages since I've seen Blackadder, but HOW could I have forgotten that? Thank you. You warmed the cockles of my heart.

          2. sullivanst

            Less surprising when you remember that for Season 2, they recorded different lyrics for the closing theme of each episode.

            But, that was the season with the turnip shaped like a thingy…

          3. sullivanst

            Did you get up there for the falsetto notes? That'd really make them look at you like they're used to other people looking at them ;)

          4. MittBorg

            My range is good in the lower register, but I do a pretty mean falsetto, and actually, most loonies don't care for other loonies. The last one looked me right in the eye and said, "You CRAZY" before moving to the opposite end of the vehicle.

          5. MittBorg

            Most of our crazies are pretty cool. The last time I was buttonholed, the crazy in question had some fascinating theories about the moon and ATMs. It's the rightwing nutbags you have to watch out for, they're much more likely to be shooting at you than just wanting a little money for drogas or booze or tail.

          1. MittBorg

            Hey, darlin'! I got my first two beautiful, ripe Cherokee Purples. One of them is a double handful. HUGE. The Early Clear Pinks came in, very tasty, more to come in the week. We've had one San Marzano so far, but they're turning orange already, so it's tomato feast time at the old homestead. I'm feeling pretty good. Harvested nearly a dozen cucumbers, the beans are growing, I put in some chard and arugula, and basella rubra, aka Malabar spinach, so my botanical experiments are going great guns (so to speak). Very pleased about that.

            I like to do that, grow different plants under different conditions with different soil mixes and then take notes throughout the season. And you? What's up, beautiful?

    1. WhatTheHeck

      I’m no cook, but one of them is vegetable and the other is all meat… in case you were confused.

  2. succalina

    Matt Damon looks like he was coming down from a meth binge in that pic. Whoops, I meant coke binge. Wrong decade.

        1. valgal2342

          Free Base! It's a wonder it's not on the Tea Party Freedom agenda.
          But then again, they'd think it was a baseball term. Wait, what?

    1. shelwood46

      Meth Damon Libel! (No, really, on Breaking Bad the character known as Todd, AKA Landry, is known as Meth Damon on all the right Blog Boards.)

  3. docteur_giraud

    If they'd thought about it, there are other movie stars who actually resemble Ryan. But if the "they" at Fox Nation "thought," their heads would explode.

    Also: Kitler is kinda cute.

        1. MittBorg


          We only ever had the one white kitty, and she thought she was our mother. When my mother would yell at us, she would climb up the stairs, face off with Mom, and meow at her till she stopped. She also loved grooming our hair, and would walk to the bus stop to pick my little brother up after school.

  4. DoucheWillis

    I'm sorry Fox Nation, the person you were thinking of is Gabe from The Office. Missed by a goddamn mile.

    1. marconidarwin

      Maybe that's the problem. They should not be thinking of a person. A slug, or some moist creature may spark some resemblance.

    2. SorosBot

      Yeah, but The Office started sucking right about the time Gabe joined the cast; while the GOP has sucked since long before Ryan was around. Still, I've always suspected that Gabe might be the real Scranton Strangler – that's just like Ryan really.

    1. foxpuppet

      Fox shied away from something that was 'too obvious'? Huh! Guess there's a first time for everything…

          1. RadioBowels

            Damn, you were right on top of me.
            I <3 Boo's comment. It might not be #1, but it certainly is #2 in my world.

          2. RadioBowels

            My disgusting old form??!? Are you implying I look like Ryan?

            BTW OT, speaking of the shit, I really am enjoying that Van Gogh bio I mentioned a few weeks ago.

          3. MittBorg

            Jesus, I would *never* be that mean and rotten to you. He looks like they forgot to pull the stake out of his heart after reanimating him.

            I've sworn off reading anything upsetting for the nonce, but promise I will catch up with that book someday. I stopped reading about war and torture and death in Kampuchea. Amazing, how much better I feel already. And you, you sound great. Better. More, I dunno, relaxed, or less stressed or something. Which makes me happy for you, my friend.

          4. RadioBowels

            It works if you work it, it's worth it. And rediscovering deep meditation.
            I love me them war books too, but in controlled doses.

          5. MittBorg

            "Controlled doses" is the trick, huh? Past two years, it's been just about all I've been reading. And then, of course, all the depressing films about WW II. I need to do some meditation.

  5. coolhandnuke

    Ryan looks like Michael Stipe's frat boy douchebag date rapey doppleganger.

    Sorry Mr. Stipe, you still rock….(heads off to find Murmur cassette tape)

    1. glasspusher

      I wouldn't want to separate from Gwyneth Paltrow until she had given birth, and maybe not even then…

  6. nifflersghost

    I'm trying to frame a witty comment here but it's like making fun of a homeless person for rooting around in the garbage.

    Matt Damon and Paul Ryan look similar to each other in the sense that they both have skeletons.

      1. nifflersghost

        Well, rudimentary calceous frameworks of some kind. Look, I'm trying to give Ryan all I can. I can't just refer to him as an inflamed scrotum pimple. Damon doesn't have one of those, as far as I know.

  7. CapnFatback

    Well, I'm sure it looked that way as each emerged from the birth canal, but you have to remember that Matt Damon was a breech baby.

  8. CrunchyKnee

    I picked a jalapeno out of my garden today that had a small "arm." It had more personality than Paul Ryan.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      I sat on a whoopie cushion whose budget projections were more realistic than Paul Ryan's.

    1. zippy_w_pinhead

      the Seattle Seahookers, looking to shore up the NFC West and beat their arch nemesis, the San Francisco 69ers

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Alas, with the Rams, it's always come from behind or don't come at all.

          (Usually the latter.)

  9. Callyson

    That's it, FOX, emphasize how youthful Ayn Ryan looks…the Reeps are already pissed that their "Obama has no real world experience" rant has been rendered meaningless by your VP pick.

    Next up on FOX: how Ryan's membership in the Model United Nations means he has foreign policy experience…

    1. comrad_darkness

      That's their MO. Don't you remember two weeks after whining that Obama was such a celebrity, they were all ZOMG, Sarah is such a celebrity, swoon!

  10. imissopus

    Also is it my Google Chrome browser or is the formatting of this post just off, so the captions are next to the wrong pictures? REBECCA!!!!!!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Ted Bundy's younger brother Ron, who wasn't actually charming enough to get any young coeds into his van. Thank goodness.

      1. MittBorg

        It took me this long to work up the courage to reply, because I was that overcome by the grossness of that image.

        Did ever alliteration get put to such abuse?

  11. coolhandnuke

    The only thing Damon and Ryan remotely share in common is Damon was "Saving Private Ryan" and Ryan is 'Saving Privatzing Ryan."

  12. Tequila Mockingbird

    Did Paul Ryan go to Hah-vahd? Did he make his debut in Mystic Pizza? Does he make sexytime with Ben Affleck?

  13. Tequila Mockingbird

    The re-tweets on this are pretty hilarious:

    ≡≡ miketheburrito ≡≡‏@miketheburrito
    @foxnation You Suck Turds

    David Matthews‏@_dmatthews
    @foxnation That's impossible since they have different birthdays. Who is fact-checking this stuff for you?

    Mike Scourby‏@brooklynkid1951
    @foxnation not even close, Ryan is believed to be the love child of an incestuous relationship between the Koch brothers.

  14. Mittens Howell, III

    Paul Ryan was spawned from genetic material taken from a rotting piece of meat lodged in Ayn Rand's teeth.

  15. proudgrampa

    People tell me I look just like George Clooney. Seriously.

    With a pot belly and a bald head. But seriously.

    1. MittBorg

      Listen, George Clooney is SO fucking sexy that he would look just fine with a pot belly and a bald head. Rumour is, George Clooney *invented* sex.

      1. proudgrampa

        Well. I got 10 years on George. So that means I invented sex. And the Internet, too. Also.

    2. finallyhappy

      People think I look like their aunt, their mom's best friend, their neighbor when they were growing up, some girl from their junior high in Oregon- when I really look almost exactly like the young Jennifer Garner(in the same sense that Ryan looks like Damon- well, more so for me- Jennifer and I are both human)

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Me at nineteen: my girlfriend says I look like Robby Benson

        Me at forty five: my wife says I look like Rick Moranis. ( backs it up)

    1. finallyhappy

      Have I told my placenta story here before- I'll tell it again. After a difficult birth, the nurse insisted on showing me my son's placenta because it "was his home for 9 months". I saw it and then vomited. Thank you for listening

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I shot video of my sister planting her daughter's placenta under an orange tree, a sort of hippie-yoga thing she'd read about, and decided she had to do it.

        She had to thaw it out; it had been in her freezer for almost 3 years.

        I'm not kidding.

      2. BoatOfVelociraptors

        Placentas are just meat interfaces, so that your body doesn't recognize the foreign body with different DNA inside you, harvesting your bodily nutrients. After the kid spends enough time floating in his own pee and kicking you from the inside, you get to poop it out. Apparently some people are sticklers for the precise co-ordinates of the child-pooping act.
        They're all like
        "On this side of the line, the just-pooped out baby gets these rights."
        "on the other side of the line, the fresh-pooped baby doesn't get those rights."

        Humans are weird.

        1. Negropolis

          Placentas are just meat interfaces, so that your body doesn't recognize the foreign body with different DNA inside you, harvesting your bodily nutrients.

          You sure you're not Romney? That sounds like how he would describe childbirth. lol

          1. BoatOfVelociraptors

            Well, given that much of your digestive tract is a symbiotic colony of bacteria, it seems to be an eminently accurate description. It's just the border birthing issue that is freaky. The notion that popping out on a side of a line defines you, when you haven't even learned how to do much more than cry, suck boob, and sleep, that this somehow defines you for a lifetime is weird.

            Sure, we could judge you by your 25 year resume, and credit score and your degrees and papers, but first, what side of this line did you pop out of your momma?

            The entire premise seems ridiculous.

      3. Designer_Rants

        The last time you told the placenta story, was that the last time I told the story about cutting my daughter's umbilical cord? I looked all sweaty and crazy (I have the pictures) and just saw a baby come out of my wife for the first time. I was about to cut the cord when some nurse in the background said in a shrill-and-trolling voice; "Don't cut the baybee!". So I murdered everyone.

        1. MittBorg

          I've never been present. My BestGirl's mum asked me to be, and I said, "I'll puke and pass out, hit my head on the hospital bed, fracture my skull, lapse into a coma, and leave blood and DNA contaminant all over you. Plus, you'll be having the kid without any help. You decide." She went without me.

  16. marconidarwin

    Wait, that is FOX Nation. Whew, almost was fooled.

    Obama probably looks like Dred Scott to them.

      1. bobbert

        Fuck, I probably look like Dred Scott to them.

        EITD to remind you that my albedo approaches that of Julian Assange.

  17. mrblifil

    The closest Ryan comes to resembling someone in Hollywood: he vaguely looks like guys I imagine functioning as key grip and gaffers on low budget porn sets in El Segundo.

  18. Toomush_Infer

    Hey, when I read this, I had a thought: let's see if my ass looks like Paul Ryan in the mirror….hmmm….nope, thoughtless grin goes the wrong way….oh well, thanks Fox Nation, for starting to make comparisons…..I'll try a fence post next….

    1. HogeyeGrex

      Try laying on your side. The grin might work better like that.

      And it's bound to be less painful than the fence post.

  19. BlueStateLibel

    Fom Mitt Rmoney's point of view they ARE very similar, but his facial-recognition software is still pretty primitive you know.

  20. sullivanst

    Wonkette Nation asks: Why the fuck should anyone give a shit even if he did, which he doesn't?

  21. sullivanst

    The obvious subtext here: the side-by-side doesn't work in color, just further proof that Fox Nation sees everyone in black and white.

  22. GeorgiaBurning

    Ryan looks more like a spawn of George "Goober" Lindsey- who conveniently passed about three months ago. Conspiracy??

  23. CommieLibunatic

    Wonkette, what gave you the idea that I can physically withstand this level of dumbfuckery?

  24. anniegetyerfun

    Eh, they're just trolling Matt Damon. Everyone knows that Fox hates him because he's liberal, articulate, and wealthy.

  25. Goonemeritus

    The real test of Paul Ryan’s influence will be whether or not people will submit pictures of their cats to the internet in 60 years because they look like him.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (He will haunt my dreams tonight, and the baby is almost as creepy. Well done!)

  26. Barrelhse

    I squinted really hard to make it blurry and they STILL didn't bear the slightest resemblance to one another.

    1. iburl

      A lot better, it's almost as if they are trying to cloud the seperated-at-birth water before it hits the mainstream. (Hearing the Munsters theme already)

  27. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The wonkettes have become very kitty centric lately. Makes a big dog like me veeeery nervous.

          1. sullivanst

            As an irregular Late Late Show viewer, I now feel compelled to say:

            Put the hooker in the closet

          2. Designer_Rants

            David Letterman:
            Paul Ryan used to have a job driving the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. So he and Mitt Romney have something in common. They've both driven a vehicle with a dog on the roof.

    1. bobbert

      You think you're nervous? I have to remember how dogs work. I've agreed to take my ex's doggies for a couple months while she sells her house. (To be fair, they were our doggies, but that was seven years ago). My cat is gonna plotz.

  28. iburl

    …aaaand I believe that would be the right's last and final tie to reality…. they chewed through several of the final few in the last week alone.

  29. beezie687

    Meh, my friends and I decided days ago that Paul Ryan looks like Matthew Morrison, the teacher guy from Glee.

  30. smitallica

    The resemblance is uncanny.

    Wait, "uncanny" means "nonfuckingexistent unless you're a wingnut trying to put lipstick on your hateful pig of a VP nominee," right?

    1. Designer_Rants

      They're real sick of the Eddie Munster comparisons. Still; you'd think they could do better than this… must be hoping for a little of Damon's "Awesome Action Star Liberal" polish to rub off on Ryan's "Ugly SPLC Hate Group Watchlist NeoCon".

      1. sullivanst

        Too bad their lame little tweet just caused so many links to be generated for Google to rank the Eddi Munster comparisons higher.

          1. sullivanst

            The law of unintended consequences is item #12 on my list of important things about the world most "conservatives" entirely fail to understand.

  31. rocktonsam

    it may be the weed talking here,Ryan looks more like the south end of Rafalca facing north and not winning the gold medal at the London Olympics

  32. misanthrope

    So yea me and the other girls in the typing pool decided we'd love a good hate fuck with Mr. Ryan. What's with the whole Paul Ryan name thing anyway? I thought only gay porn stars had two first names like that hmm.

    1. bobbert

      If you look as much like Randy Travis as Paul Ryan looks like Matt Damon, you're in good shape.

      1. SorosBot

        Well considering that MissTaken and I are planning on moving in together in a little over two months, that would be a bit of an unpleasant surprise; so no.

        And I do hope you know who Matt Damon is; it's kind of hard not to.

        1. MittBorg

          YAY! Oh, baby! Babies! I am so fucking happy for you! OK, I have to dance around the room, which is tough with a gimpy leg. That is SO FUCKING GREAT! And I was RIGHT HERE when it happened. (Hugs you both with a fierce hug)

          You better not be takin' her away from here, bwah. You moving here, right?

          And no, I really have no fucking clue who Matt Damon is, except I'm pretty sure he's an actor. I tend to watch foreign movies and "art phillums" rather than Hollywood stuff, although now I have Netflix so I actually finally got to see MIB and Reservoir Dogs and all that shit.

          1. SorosBot

            Yes, I'm moving out to SF; that part has me a little nervous, what with leaving all my friends and family. But I'd rather live in her world than live without her in mine. And thanks.

          2. BerkeleyBear

            Just don't take the midnight train to Georgia – that's not the way to San Jose, much less San Francisco.

          3. MittBorg

            (Hugs you) Don't you worry. It'll be just fine. You two make each other happy already, and that's something not so easy to find. Go with your heart, baby, and keep making each other happy. May life smile upon the two of you always. I am so very happy for you both. Give her a hug and a kiss for me when you see her.

          4. MittBorg

            I don't think I've watched a "family movie" since I became an adult. So he doesn't murder his wife and daughter and set their bodies on fire after releasing all the animals? Darn.

          5. sullivanst

            I enjoyed it, it was a while ago though. Given your other viewing, seems less likely to be a waste of your time than the Bourne franchise.

    1. imissopus

      You're a lawyer, right? If yer job-hunting, I've got an old friend who is a lawyer up there. Works for a firm that specializes in labor issues, I think. Her partner is also a lawyer of some sort. Happy to pass on a resume if you need it.

      1. SorosBot

        Thanks; I may take you up on that. After I take the Bar again – California doesn't do reciprocity with PA.

  33. Negropolis

    This is hilarious. It's Sarah "Ms. Palin if you're nasty" all over again. These bastards really are this shallow.

  34. Misty Malarky

    Since the Wonkette seems to go to bed (or pass out drunk in a pool of vomit) very early I'll add OT:

    R.I.P. Ron 'Horshack' Palilo.

    I had no idea he had a partner, Joseph Gramm, for 41 years.
    Good for you, Horshack.

  35. angelfoot

    I think if we did an age progression Mr. Ryan would bear more than a passing resemblance to his fellow back-woodsy Wisconsinite , Ed Gein. Similar appetites also, too.

        1. MittBorg

          That's pretty yaysome, lucky you. (Hugs Biff) Have a wunnerful time, make out with lots of pretty laydeez, and brag all about it right here when you get back. Hope the back's feeling better, baby.

          1. Biff

            Prolly not a lotta single womens at the race track, but it'll be an awesome event, anyway.

            Back is doing OK, after taking a couple of weeks off, thanks…

        2. Fukui-sanYesOta

          You off to the motorsports reunion thing? I haz the jealous.

          Went to that a couple of years ago. Best motorsports event I've ever been to. Walking around the pits and seeing everything from Nuvolari's Ferrari to a Saudia-Leyland-Williams F1 car to a Gulf Porsche 917 … I was in car-nerd heaven.

          Have a great time and share some pics!

  36. Schmegeg

    I just pitched a script where Matt Damon and Paul Ryan undergo Face transplants with each other, and hilarity ensues. If I option Travolta and Cage, how can it miss??

    1. MittBorg

      Me too. I think he's one of the best directors ever.

      Happiness of the Katakuris is just the weirdest movie I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot). It's about a family that moves out into the countryside and buys an old house and sets up a B&B. It's kind of a musical, and has some very Sound-of-Music-like scenes. It's also very black and very funny. I highly recommend it.

      I think of most Japanese movies as realistic rather than depressing, although there's always stuff like Grave of the Fireflies, which if you don't want to put a bullet through your skull afterwards, you're probly the kind of horrible person who pulls wings off flies. Which I know you're not. (Hugs you)

      1. foxpuppet

        Y'all need to watch some ramen westerns like Tampopo. I mean, Kurosawa's okay if you like that kinda genius-y thing…

        1. MittBorg

          Seen that. I'm not fussy. I'll watch pretty much anything as long as it's *realistic,* you know, about real life and real people. Korean film industry's putting out some amazing stuff of late.

  37. James Michael Curley

    The most significant similarity between Paul Ryan and Matt Damon is that Paul Ryan also hangs around with a bunch of viscous back stabbing apes.

  38. dopper0189

    After Matt Damon gets bit by an eye zombie I bet they would look alike. Just add some zombie eyes to Matt and voila!

  39. PuglyDoRight

    Matt Damon has an adorable button nose. Can't say the same for Ryan. Matt Damon has some talent. Can't say the same for Ryan.

    Should have been a pic of Eddie Munster.

  40. carlgt1

    I'm old enough to remember when "Separated at Birth" was a feature of the paleo-Wonkette-ish "Spy" magazine —- and now 20-25 years later, Faux News uses it? Ugh….

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