LAND OF THE LOST  7:16 pm August 15, 2012

Undercover Bathhouse Spy & Michele Bachmann Mentor Wins MN GOP Primary

by Doktor Zoom

Left: Gollum Right: Quist  Not Shown: QuakeHey, remember Allen Quist, the homophobic Gollum lookalike who Mother Jones profiled a few months back? You know, Michele Bachman’s political mentor, the chap who “went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse’”? YES, THAT GUY!!! He is now the Republican nominee for Congress in Minnesota District 1! Quist defeated his opponent in the GOP primary with 54% of the vote, and will go on to face incumbent Rep. Tim Walz in the fall.

Mr. Quist is the sort of candidate that reporters might call “colorful,” largely because most media outlets shy away from the more accurate phrase “bugfuck crazy.” As we noted when we last covered his adventures, in addition to his obsession with teh gheys (“At one point…a Senate leader suggested he had an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session”), he is also quite certain that humans and dinosaurs lived together quite recently, since there’s a Cambodian temple that features a carving that he is quite certain can ONLY be a stegosaurus, depicted by people who had seen one, or at least heard about one. (The carving’s head and neck are all wrong; it’s probably an Indian Rhino. More to the point, the carving lacks a thagomizer.) He also believes that the Book of Job should be incorporated into schools’ science curricula, because it proves that dragons were real.

But what else do we know about Mr. Quist? Well, in addition to the dinosaur stuff, he has a lot of other science facts at his fingertips. According to the Mother Jones profile, Quist once

told a Minnesota reporter he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals.

Quist also believes that the International Baccalaureate program, an advanced placement curriculum, is a UN-sponsored scheme to brainwash children, setting the stage for an eventual United Nations takeover of Minnesota. He thinks “sustainability” is code for a plot to collectivize all citizen in urban areas where they will have to ride bicycles and rely on public transportation. He once called for mandatory AIDS testing for all Minnesotans, to “prevent major penetration of the AIDS virus into the straight population.”

And Michele Bachman campaigned for him this year, praising his “intellectual firepower and courage.”

Nahh, we can’t top that, so we won’t even try.

[Mother Jones ]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 230 comments }

YouBetcha August 15, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Thank you for posting his picture, Wonkette. I will never have sex again.

Geminisunmars August 15, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Which one is it, again?

Callyson August 15, 2012 at 7:29 pm

BOTK.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 8:10 pm

I have found that staring at my cute partner for about 1 minute helps to bring back my sexy feelings after I've seen pictures of GOP members on the Wonkette. If you don't have an attractiive partner to stare at to counteract the unfortunate GOP Pic Sexual Dysfunction Syndrome (GOPPDS), I hear there may be some porn on the Internet that can help.

Boojum August 15, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I heard that, too. Do you know if it's true?

AlterNewt August 15, 2012 at 8:32 pm

How could one find out such a thing?

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I have heard from friends that you can use one of those searching engines. You type in whatever/whomever you're into, it thinks for a little bit, and then brings up videos and pictures that might be of interest to you. I hear there are also sites that demand payment which I think you should avoid if you are on a tight budget.

bikerlaureate August 15, 2012 at 8:30 pm

I believe this is a good time to say, "Pics or GTFO"!

Mittens Howell, III August 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm

1 minute? Congratulations, your partner must be pretty fucking hot.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 8:56 pm

It actually takes less than a minute. He's got to tell me about work first. Then we do it on the dining room table. Then we have to wash the place mats and put the table back together.
But he is adorable. And he's smart and that just ups the adorable factor.

Jukesgrrl August 16, 2012 at 3:52 am

I certainly hope your definition of "intellectual" is different than One L's.

WordSaladNation August 15, 2012 at 10:00 pm

That picture actually made me a virgin again.

Thunderclees August 15, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Once upon a time, Minnesotans elected Hubert Humphrey and Paul Wellstone and other non-horrible people.

James Michael Curley August 15, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Never would have thought Jesse Ventura was reasonable until now.

zippy_w_pinhead August 15, 2012 at 7:28 pm

he's a veritable statesman compared to these clowns

badseeds August 15, 2012 at 7:48 pm

What the fuck, how do those supposedly good-hearted scandinavians keep pulling the lever for these people?

GeorgiaBurning August 15, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Pulling the lever?

Thunderclees August 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Visit Anoka sometime, the answer will become all too clear.

keinsignal August 15, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Hey, we still got Al Franken, Keith Ellison, and the relatively non-terrible Amy Klobuchar. It's these outstate God's Country types who keep sending the nutcases to DC.

If you're looking for a solution, my suggestion would be to move election day to some time of year when Seasonal Affective Disorder isn't in full swing.

Dudleydidwrong August 15, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Or during hunting season when, well, you know, someone's surveyor's mark might be in use in someone else's general direction. (Is that vague enough?)

Toomush_Infer August 16, 2012 at 11:01 am

It's the Minnesota Law of Karma – for every wonderful, intelligent politician, you have to give up one placeholder for Te Krazies!….look it up….

HempDogbane August 15, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Quite a contrast. In our defense, we aren't going to be electing this one to Congress.

Thunderclees August 16, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Here's to hoping.

/still fuming about the 2008 CD-3 Democratic primary

zippy_w_pinhead August 15, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Thagomizer? methinks this clown would be much more interested in finding a fagomizer

foxpuppet August 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm

I thought he WAS a fagomizer?

Beowoof August 15, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Well his investigation was just his cover for all that bath house humping.

Boojum August 15, 2012 at 8:27 pm

He only has one (small) spike.

dennis1943 August 15, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Forget the HIV testing…….there is apparently a new and virulent form of "mad cow"…….

GemlikeFlame August 16, 2012 at 8:25 am

You're talking about Bachmann?

dennis1943 August 16, 2012 at 11:21 am

And maybe others he infected………..we may have to call in the CDC…….

Callyson August 15, 2012 at 7:24 pm

he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals

Yeah, I'd like to see this asshole around some wild animals…preferably hungry ones…

PubOption August 15, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Has he heard of the praying mantis?

zippy_w_pinhead August 15, 2012 at 7:36 pm

praying isn't good enough for him. it has to be a born again mantis

bikerlaureate August 15, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Dragonflies pray, but it's just a big act to fool the gullible.

BerkeleyBear August 15, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Or dragonflies, or the fish where the female is huge, the male is tiny and a single female basically incorporates the sexual organs of several males to provide a sperm supply.

Or elephant herds. Or hyenas. Or ever so many other species.

Jukesgrrl August 16, 2012 at 3:54 am

Or the females at my house in Arizona.

finallyhappy August 16, 2012 at 8:14 am

anglerfish!!!

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Or very horny ones.

smokefilledroommate August 15, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Horny mantis?

mavenmaven August 15, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Its the female lions that hunt, but you know facts and these guys don't really go well together.

MosesInvests August 15, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Males hunt too-but singly, and at night. Researchers found that out when they went out with night-vision goggles.

Toomush_Infer August 16, 2012 at 11:04 am

In Michigan here, the prehistoric Sturgeons just spray the river currents with sperm…lady Sturgeons just sashay through on their way to the lake…

James Michael Curley August 15, 2012 at 7:25 pm

No Mr. Quist, dragons are not real, but drag queens are.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 8:14 pm

I have a met a few fire-breathing drag queens in my time.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 16, 2012 at 3:56 am

They're awkward to make out with though. The fake breasts are somewhat stiff.

Callyson August 15, 2012 at 7:25 pm

And in a taste of irony, the internet radio station I am listening to just started playing a mix of "Don't Want No Short Dick Man."

(What? Kill me, I like house music. Gives me energy to fight back against assholes like this guy…)

Ayn_Ryan August 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Kill you for that? Only in Texas.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 8:23 pm

That song. Oh, the memories of riding with a car full of other gay boys headin' to the club and blastin' that song as a middle finger to all the homophobic rednecks who were on their way to such shit hole dives named something like "Hog Snort Bar".

frostbitefalls August 15, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Then there's his wife Julie, who took a turn from DIY-abortion-feminism to born again education zealot…

Carabella1 August 15, 2012 at 10:14 pm

You mean like Karen "Mrs. Frothy Mix" Santorum?

Angry_Marmot August 15, 2012 at 7:26 pm

I'll bet the inside of his head smells like a peep show.

zippy_w_pinhead August 15, 2012 at 7:27 pm

don't throw the baby out with the bathhouse…

rickmaci August 15, 2012 at 7:27 pm

The GOTeaP. Pulling America irreversibly down the rat hole of fear, stupidity and ignorance, one congressional district at a time.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Huh? Just one district at a time?

Jukesgrrl August 16, 2012 at 3:56 am

x 50

foxpuppet August 15, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Intellectual firepower. What kinda weaponry is that?

smokefilledroommate August 15, 2012 at 7:39 pm

TARD missiles in this case.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 8:25 pm

It's just a water pistol filled with runny diarrhea.

Barrelhse August 15, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Pee shooter?

TootsStansbury August 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm

WTF is in the water up there?

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Great minds think alike. See my post below.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Santorum.

bikerlaureate August 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Oil-soluble, then?

Tommy1733 August 16, 2012 at 10:00 am

10,000 lakes of santorum.

emmelemm August 15, 2012 at 7:34 pm

"prevent major penetration"

Obligatory 'something tells me this guy would like some major penetration' joke.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Even the idea of a "minor penetration" probably excites this Quist fellow.

foxpuppet August 15, 2012 at 8:54 pm

He especially loves the minors…

CommieLibunatic August 15, 2012 at 7:34 pm

He thinks women and female animals have a genetic disposition to serve males?

Something tells me he knows nothing about how nasty, violent, and rapey female spotted hyenas tend to be. Not only do the females sport a humongous pseudo-penis, but adult daughters show "kindness" to their fathers by being less violent to them than other males.

FlownOver August 15, 2012 at 7:39 pm

And he may have overlooked the headless postcoital male praying mantis.

foxpuppet August 15, 2012 at 9:00 pm

This song's dedicated to Allen Quist tonight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VOwoWlyDpE&fe

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Postcoital male praying mantis: "Doesn't matter. Still had sex."

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Sounds like how most suburban teenage girls behave, yep…

Carabella1 August 15, 2012 at 10:16 pm

"Something tells me he knows nothing about how nasty, violent, and rapey female spotted hyenas tend to be."

Or me.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 16, 2012 at 4:04 am

So, Roller Derby?

CommieLibunatic August 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm
Chichikovovich August 15, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Face it CommieLibunatic, you can say what you want, but when dinnertime rolls around, many, many females in the animal kingdom are hard-wired to serve males….

….and furthermore, most of those males are simply delicious.

PubOption August 15, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Has he looked for the Larry Craig stall in Minneapolis Airport?

zippy_w_pinhead August 15, 2012 at 7:37 pm

it's probably the 'home' setting in his GPS

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 7:45 pm

What's his stance on that?

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Wide. Like the empty area between his two ears.

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Jeez Louise, did this guy and Michelle drink from the same contaminated well? If so, is it now sealed off? Enquiring minds want to know!

Edit: didn't see Toots' post above.

Maman August 15, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Can I explain how the Y Chromosome is really a broken X making men deformed women!!!! Please!

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Now I know why my boobies don't work…

Boojum August 15, 2012 at 8:30 pm

And I have an extroverted vajayjay that's always trying to get back in.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I know! I keep thrusting out my bare hairy chest and never get better service.

Fare la Volpe August 15, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Ya gotta show a li'l sac. I do it all the time when I get pulled over.

cheetojeebus August 15, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Is this that guy they caught humping roadkill?

Barrelhse August 15, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Thank goodness for the differences. Wouldn't life be boring if we were ALL like Mr. Quist?

Rotundo_ August 15, 2012 at 7:37 pm

So a booth peeper is headed to congress, well, I guess he will fit in with the diaper fetish senator and all the other republican freakshow types so he has a seat in the hypocritical creep caucus.

DerrickWildcat August 15, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Dumb Lutherans.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Smartest thing they did was piss off the Catholic Church. It was all downhill from there.

Barrelhse August 15, 2012 at 9:28 pm

And I think Quist translates to Twig. Just sayin'. Heh

Dudleydidwrong August 15, 2012 at 10:22 pm

All those macaroni casseroles and jello salads.

MosesInvests August 15, 2012 at 10:46 pm

And lutefisk-can't forget the lutefisk.

bumfug August 15, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I think this dipshit was hit too hard in the head with a damn thagomizer. Or maybe not quite hard enough.

smokefilledroommate August 15, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Don't even get him started on those Brontosaurus bathhouses.

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Apatosaur LIBEL!

emmelemm August 15, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I briefly had a thagomizer confused with a transmogrifier.

Chichikovovich August 15, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Heartbreaking, really, that the man who conceived the thagomizer and the man who conceived the transmogrifier are both retired, while the Family Circus is still going strong.

Your proof of the non-existence of a loving God is right there.

smokefilledroommate August 15, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Billy: Daddy called me a 'bortion' and then he passed out!

zippy_w_pinhead August 15, 2012 at 8:38 pm

apparently Calvin penciled in a retard setting and used it on this guy

RRoccoco August 15, 2012 at 7:41 pm

It's about time we had a congressman who really understands the meaning of congress. C-Span ratings should skyrocket when he's on the floor. So to speak.

FlownOver August 15, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Leave now, and never come back!

Texan_Bulldog August 15, 2012 at 7:45 pm

I think he's had too much lutefisk–minus the fish.

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you feeling hollow inside.

UnholyMoses August 15, 2012 at 8:40 pm

You're not lyeing.

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 8:44 pm

I bow to your caustic remark. Well played, sir.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 16, 2012 at 4:13 am

You brought the full Joe Wilson experience!

deanbooth August 15, 2012 at 7:47 pm

"It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Muslin works."

My Precious [bodily fluids]!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 15, 2012 at 7:48 pm

My knee is genetically predisposed to kick this guy in the nutz.

AlterNewt August 15, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Ahem…."with votes!"

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 15, 2012 at 8:58 pm

With mittborg's metal knee! And votes!

An_Outhouse August 15, 2012 at 7:49 pm

everyone looks like paul ryan

CindynEncinitas August 15, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Okay, the guy's a moran. What's your point?

GeorgiaBurning August 15, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Why do I think this guy has no reason to worry about any form of sex with another person?

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 8:27 pm

That brings up a good point. "Worry" and "sex" are not two things that should go hand in hand (so to speak)

DerrickWildcat August 15, 2012 at 8:02 pm

OT: Fans of U.S. Soccer might want to stay clear of ESPN2. The U.S. is playing Mexico at Azteca stadium in Mexico City and it might get ugly really fast.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 15, 2012 at 8:31 pm

http://tvpc.com/LiveSport.php?SportID=4465
For those not shelling out the big bucks for ESPN.

UnholyMoses August 15, 2012 at 8:39 pm

I'm stunned it's still scoreless.

DerrickWildcat August 15, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Me too. Mexico has a long history of getting frustrated and doing dumb things when they don't score. If this continues into the 2nd half, watch for the yellow cards to start making frequent appearances.

UnholyMoses August 15, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Halftime. Still scoreless. Mexico with TONS of possession, but good work on the d side.

I agree: Theyre' gonna get mad. Or they just don't care, given it's a friendly (yeah, I know … but still — just ONE win in that shithole of a stadium would be nice … please. Also, too: THEY CAN HAZ CLEEN AIRZ?)

DerrickWildcat August 15, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Even a draw in in Azteca would be a very positive result for the U.S. and drive Mexico nuts.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 15, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Dirty air makes it easier to grab the assholes with the green lasers.

UnholyMoses August 15, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Damn — that was quite the halftime show. Not sure what they said, but I think I know where some of the F&F firepower went …

UnholyMoses August 15, 2012 at 9:53 pm

GGOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

USA! USA! USA!

DerrickWildcat August 15, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Holy shit!
I think the American fans better start quietly sneaking out of the stadium.

DerrickWildcat August 15, 2012 at 10:02 pm

10 bucks says that if the U.S. wins, Mexican fans will retaliate.

UnholyMoses August 15, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Now that it's over, I'm wondering how long before something not at all good happens.

We'll see …

Biel_ze_Bubba August 15, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Winning the game, while controlling the ball for maybe 25% of it … sweet!

DerrickWildcat August 16, 2012 at 12:26 am

I've come to collect:
"Small US fan section being evacuated by police as Mexican fans rain projectiles on them in the upper deck. "

"The result was enough to upset the home fans, too. ESPN's commentators had to give their post-match thoughts under the protection of umbrellas as the disgruntled fans above them dumped beer and every other liquid you can imagine down on them. According to Sports Illustrated's Grant Wahl, the few U.S. fans brave enough to attend the match were evacuated before the final whistle."

foxpuppet August 16, 2012 at 2:15 am

Not such a surprise, but still- not cool.

Er- the check's in the mail…

BerkeleyBear August 16, 2012 at 3:11 am

And this is civilized compared to the crap that the team goes through in places like Honduras and even Costa Rica. First time I saw a qualifier in Guatemala (on TV) there was so much stuff thrown on the field that it was hard to follow the ball – and that was before anyone scored!

1-19-1 at Azteca. Whoot Whoot!

DerrickWildcat August 15, 2012 at 10:08 pm

This is why I don't gamble.

UnholyMoses August 15, 2012 at 10:09 pm

"Not on anything I can't control" is my rule of betting.

:-)

Great win for the U.S. Just … very, very nice.

Tim Howard was just unbelievable.

foxpuppet August 15, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Tim Howard is AMAZINGLY AWESOME!

BerkeleyBear August 16, 2012 at 3:16 am

US fans have had such a run of awesome goalies in Keller, Friedel and Howard (and even Meola would have been an upgrade for a lot of sides). I just hope that the D is shored up and the midfield gels enough to give us a fighting shot in Rio.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Did you catch the fingertip save, followed by the toe-tip save, all while laid out sideways? That'll be on YouTube forever.

GarColga August 15, 2012 at 8:04 pm

He looks like "The Fox" from the first season of The Man Show!

Tundra Grifter August 15, 2012 at 8:08 pm

"…a Senate leader suggested he had an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session…"

According to the tv ads, you're supposed to seek medical attention if you experience a stiffie lasting more than 4 hours.

rmjagg August 15, 2012 at 9:23 pm

he needs to take the cock ring off

coolhandnuke August 15, 2012 at 8:09 pm

“At one point…a Senate leader suggested he had an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session”

Quist must have a phone bill that rivals Cambodia's GDP.

Generation[redacted] August 15, 2012 at 8:19 pm

"If you have a session lasting more than 30 hours, see a doctor immediately."

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Unlike this guy, my preoccupation with sex is quite healthy.

keinsignal August 15, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Here's his political obituary, written back in '98, and hopefully not a minute too soon… http://www.citypages.com/1998-06-24/books/the-bri

Dude even out-Santorum'ed Santorum: " Years ago, when Quist's first wife died while nearly seven months pregnant, Quist had the fetus removed from her body and displayed in an open casket so his family could properly grieve for an unborn child."

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 8:29 pm

That is srsly fucked up. Out fucks the Bush "foetus in a jar". Ugh.

Doktor Zoom August 15, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Yeah, I thought of including that above, but was frankly too squicked out to go there.

foxpuppet August 15, 2012 at 10:22 pm

The fetus in an open casket thing is really repulsive.

fuflans August 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

home much did he mourn the wife i wonder?

Beowoof August 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm

This guy and Michele are afflicted with a rare genetic disorder, Coldmakesyoustupid. Few have it, but in those that do are lost in reich wing fantasies.

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Great, but how does that explain teh crazy in the hot, wet "southern regions" of our country?

Also: one of the first things to go with hypothermia is brain function. You may be on to something.

Designer_Rants August 15, 2012 at 8:22 pm

The true test; how does he feel about incandescent light bulbs?

BoatOfVelociraptors August 16, 2012 at 5:41 am

Well, if you live in the arctic, you can use all of the heat you can get. But then there's all the trips to the store and climbing ladders to replace bulbs. I'll just take the 8 watt led that will last for 20 years.

DahBoner August 16, 2012 at 8:42 am

Why do you hate American ladder workers?

MinAgain August 15, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Stupid gayses, tricksy gayses, always keeping it from us…

BlueStateLibel August 15, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Needz more black helicopters and UFOs for him to get my vote, sorry.

Mittens Howell, III August 15, 2012 at 8:29 pm

He believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals.

Like, um … black widow spiders, for example?

Here's some other species where females dominate: elephants, baboons, the Bush family.

glasspusher August 15, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Aren't your last two examples duplicates? Just trying to help out…

zippy_w_pinhead August 15, 2012 at 8:40 pm

'elephants, baboons, the Bush family."

you're being redundant

UnholyMoses August 15, 2012 at 8:38 pm

I am finding this post wholly and entirely impossible to masturbate to.

rickmaci August 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

"…prevent major penetration…"

Oh dear, another wingtard pol with penis issues.

Barrelhse August 15, 2012 at 9:34 pm

And concern for the military.

littlebigdaddy August 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Is he in a relationship with the P.E.N.I.S. in the anus lady? Cuz, if not, it would make sense.

marconidarwin August 15, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Wait, anyone else find that there is a resemblance between Gollem and Ryan?

RadioBowels August 15, 2012 at 9:51 pm

If by Gollem you mean fecal material.

edit: better yet I definitely see the resemblance between Santorum and Ryan.

foxpuppet August 15, 2012 at 10:43 pm

They both look like zombie-eyed granny-killerz if that's what you mean.

johnnyzhivago August 15, 2012 at 8:47 pm

What happened to centrists in the GOP like Basil Marceaux?

Isyaignert August 16, 2012 at 1:32 am

Ha! I was just trying to think of that dude's name yesterday! If elected, his first order of business was to cut the gold fringe off of every American flag. No 'effin' lie. He said, "It's the red, white and blue flag, not the red, white, blue and gold flag, so the gold's got to go."

Jukesgrrl August 16, 2012 at 4:06 am

His name is Basil Marceaux-dot-com. Accept no imitations.

coolhandnuke August 15, 2012 at 8:48 pm

… he is also quite certain that humans and dinosaurs lived together quite recently…

Who's going to inform Quist that "The Flinstones" was not a documentary?

ttommyunger August 15, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Un-fucking-belivable, and yet it happened.

Barrelhse August 15, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Would that be the opening line of your novel?
Much better than "It was a dark and stormy, etc…"- Eat your heart out, Ken.

ttommyunger August 15, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Novel? This shit is stranger than fiction.Sent from my iPhone

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 9:51 pm

It was the best of un-fucking-believable times and the worst of un-fucking believable times…

Jukesgrrl August 16, 2012 at 4:09 am

Happy families are all alike; every GOTP family is unhappy in its own way.

pinkocommi August 15, 2012 at 8:55 pm

"the chap who 'went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse’”

The phrase, "Takes one to know one," springs to mind.

Butch_Wagstaff August 15, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I think he took more than one. Y'know, for research purposes?

Generation[redacted] August 15, 2012 at 10:20 pm

That would explain the smile on his face.

Maman August 15, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Oh Goodie, He is one of those assholes that believes that people should have mandatory AIDS testing to get a marriage license. Thanks for that asshole. You owe me money. Illinois had that law when I got married.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 15, 2012 at 10:22 pm

I had to do that before moving to the USA. That and a tuberculosis scan.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 16, 2012 at 6:05 am

Personally, I think a complete bloodwork scan would be preferable to the whole green card, work residency, H1b, and quotas for immigration purposes. It would make the immigration process take ten minutes instead of ten years. We have the technology.

JCE1985 August 15, 2012 at 9:28 pm

What if it turned out that this dude was just in some weird, sleep-walking coma for decades?

I dunno. If I were hearing this dude described during an interview, I'd angrily take off my lapel mic and leave. To think that we're lucky enough to exist at all, while an infinite amount of different human consciousnesses could have existed in our place (or not at all), and we still have to deal with this sort of bullshit?

Fuck. It's kind of beautiful, in a ridiculously shitty sort of way.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 16, 2012 at 6:49 am

Evolution does that. Try out every bad idea until they die. The survivors shamble on.

Chet Kincaid_ August 16, 2012 at 9:10 am

Every day we're shufflin'.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 15, 2012 at 9:33 pm

"told a Minnesota reporter he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals."

PRAYING MANTIS LIBEL!!

littlebigdaddy August 15, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Women have brains size of skwirrels!

littlebigdaddy August 15, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Somehow the phrase "disgraced former scout master" comes to mind when I look at that pic.

zippy_w_pinhead August 15, 2012 at 10:48 pm

or former Penn State coach…

Zepster August 15, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Wait, does he like noodling?

HarryButtle August 15, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I'm sort of reminded of George C Scott in Hardcore. Except George C Scott was looking for his abused teenage daughter and Allen Quist is banging a rentboy for fun. But, both undercover.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 15, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Oh it gets better…
Check out his fetus fetish.

http://buildourparty.blogspot.com/2009/11/extremi

Jukesgrrl August 16, 2012 at 4:10 am

As my grandma used to say, "Let's not and say we did."

zippy_w_pinhead August 15, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Rashida Jones needs to help Quist out of his closet…

foxpuppet August 15, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Just to make it easy for any of y'all with a few extra dollars handy: https://secure.actblue.com/entity/fundraiser/1277

bikerlaureate August 16, 2012 at 12:00 am

Sadly, there's no field on the form for donating Hobo Beans.

foxpuppet August 16, 2012 at 12:10 am

Since I'm currently not gainfully employed, I can't afford to contribute either. But I hope that if I post a link, someone who CAN afford to donate will find it easier to do so.

comrad_darkness August 15, 2012 at 11:08 pm

"Allen Quist, the homophobic . . ."

GAY!!!

" . . . went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse . . ."

ZOMG so GAY!!!

" . . . prevent major penetration . . ."

GAH, GAY meter broken!

SayItWithWookies August 15, 2012 at 11:18 pm

I was wondering what happened to him after his show got cancelled. You remember — Dr. Quist, Leather Woman.

foxpuppet August 16, 2012 at 12:04 am

That was after an earlier stint as Vidkun Quistling, Norwegian traitor…

valmach August 15, 2012 at 11:47 pm

If I asked this question 100 times .. I suppose I have to ask it one more.. Whats Wrong With White People?…

valmach August 15, 2012 at 11:49 pm

WTF! is wrong with Americans, and what does it say about the rest of the world for letting you sick M.F.ers be in charge?

Terry August 15, 2012 at 11:56 pm

"told a Minnesota reporter he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals."

Yes, like the many species of fish where the male attaches to the female's side and wastes away to a little, almost vestigial, nub whose only purpose is to deliver sperm.

Billmatic August 16, 2012 at 12:01 am

The fact that Gary Larsen coined thagomizer made my day.

nowave August 16, 2012 at 12:01 am

"…and one Ring to get f***ed in, for research purposes only."

Schmegeg August 16, 2012 at 12:06 am

"the chap who “went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse’”?

He is Captain Obvious, whose e superpower is, well, obvious.

owhatever August 16, 2012 at 12:16 am

The GOP should be proud. I hope Mitt and his rent boy drop by to do a campaign stop, or at least a taped endorsement to embrace the message.

Stevola August 16, 2012 at 12:54 am

In the bathhouse, gay sex was going on right under his nose!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 16, 2012 at 7:52 am

More precisely, about an half-inch below his nose.

Oblios_Cap August 16, 2012 at 7:58 am

True teabaggery!

Isyaignert August 16, 2012 at 1:30 am

FACT: Recent scientific studies have proven that the more homophobic one is, the greater the chance that they'll get turned on by gay porn. Ergo, that dude's a self-loathing, closeted homosexual just like half the men in the Republicon party.

Jadetiger79 August 16, 2012 at 3:33 am

OT, but did you guys see this? Ted Nugent's bestie, Dave Mustaine says Bamz staged the shootings in Aurora and the Sikh temple because he wants to take away our guns. Can't make this stuff up you guys.
http://music-mix.ew.com/2012/08/15/megadeth-front

Jukesgrrl August 16, 2012 at 4:13 am

Megabraindeth.

lochnessmonster August 16, 2012 at 6:45 am

I went to Minnesota once on a business trip. It now seems like it was a good thing we didn't drink the water…

oldedinvn August 16, 2012 at 8:30 am

Oh shit. How come I always get this good stuff days later. I am 12 hours ealier in normal time & 11 during make a time. Plz Ms. R, post somethin about 3 am so maybe if I am accidently sober, I won't not be 12 whores late.

DahBoner August 16, 2012 at 8:40 am

Book of Job

This is as close to creating jobs as he's ever going to get…

Kid_Charlemagne August 16, 2012 at 9:03 am

Why this reminds me of the Onion editorial "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?"

Chet Kincaid_ August 16, 2012 at 9:09 am

"Undercover Bathhouse Spy"? The History Channel is going out on a limb with that one!

Designer_Rants August 16, 2012 at 9:35 am

What about "Jon & Kate Plus Bathhouse"?

Kid_Charlemagne August 16, 2012 at 9:14 am

I bet this guys likes a wide stance.

outragedcitizen August 16, 2012 at 9:39 am

"… he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals."

He never met my female Chihuahua. Call her subservient and she will chew his ankles to shreds and when he falls she'll eat his nuts!

CastleRockBear August 16, 2012 at 10:12 am

We shall see if Minnesotans vote for this hideous viper in the November elections! If they do, money and STUPIDITY reign supreme in Minnesota! I'm hoping sensibility and sanity will prevail, I just need to hold on to the truth that this is not Wisconsin!

VA_Dreaming August 16, 2012 at 10:36 am

If you cite animal evidence to say that women are genetically predisposed to be subservient to men, you are using the theory of evolution to support your argument. But since he doesn't think evolution is real, he used a false premise in his argument, making it invalid. No wonder that he believes these stupid things, he doesn't even understand logic.

vtxmcrider August 16, 2012 at 10:50 am

He had heard about all that "wriggling around in excrement."

ottercliff August 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

He is clearly lacking a Thagomizer.

Nostrildamus August 16, 2012 at 2:50 pm

… an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session …

OK, I'm impressed. I'm plumb tuckered after about 6 hours.

fuflans August 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

one can only hope he wins. hours of wonkette fun.

BZ1 August 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm

With his fascination with the gheys, perhaps Marcus should be campaigning for him?

EmileZoloft August 17, 2012 at 11:15 am

Gollum? I think he looks like Old Fred Armisen.

MN_PJ August 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Picture this man in Stegosaurus hide assless chaps.

UnholyMoses August 15, 2012 at 10:15 pm

So that wasn't just me?

Thought my eyesight was going all whacko on me, or that the signs on the side of the field were the cause.

Interesting new tactic. It failed, but it's interesting.

DerrickWildcat August 16, 2012 at 3:18 am

A game a few years ago, I think Trinidad, the U.S was down a goal and the ball boys would purposely take their own sweet time getting the ball back to a U.S. player for a Throw-in. Basically had to run them down and grab the ball from them.

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