Land of the Lost

Undercover Bathhouse Spy & Michele Bachmann Mentor Wins MN GOP Primary

Left: Gollum Right: Quist  Not Shown: QuakeHey, remember Allen Quist, the homophobic Gollum lookalike who Mother Jones profiled a few months back? You know, Michele Bachman’s political mentor, the chap who “went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse’”? YES, THAT GUY!!! He is now the Republican nominee for Congress in Minnesota District 1! Quist defeated his opponent in the GOP primary with 54% of the vote, and will go on to face incumbent Rep. Tim Walz in the fall.

Mr. Quist is the sort of candidate that reporters might call “colorful,” largely because most media outlets shy away from the more accurate phrase “bugfuck crazy.” As we noted when we last covered his adventures, in addition to his obsession with teh gheys (“At one point…a Senate leader suggested he had an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session”), he is also quite certain that humans and dinosaurs lived together quite recently, since there’s a Cambodian temple that features a carving that he is quite certain can ONLY be a stegosaurus, depicted by people who had seen one, or at least heard about one. (The carving’s head and neck are all wrong; it’s probably an Indian Rhino. More to the point, the carving lacks a thagomizer.) He also believes that the Book of Job should be incorporated into schools’ science curricula, because it proves that dragons were real.

But what else do we know about Mr. Quist? Well, in addition to the dinosaur stuff, he has a lot of other science facts at his fingertips. According to the Mother Jones profile, Quist once

told a Minnesota reporter he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals.

Quist also believes that the International Baccalaureate program, an advanced placement curriculum, is a UN-sponsored scheme to brainwash children, setting the stage for an eventual United Nations takeover of Minnesota. He thinks “sustainability” is code for a plot to collectivize all citizen in urban areas where they will have to ride bicycles and rely on public transportation. He once called for mandatory AIDS testing for all Minnesotans, to “prevent major penetration of the AIDS virus into the straight population.”

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And Michele Bachman campaigned for him this year, praising his “intellectual firepower and courage.”

Nahh, we can’t top that, so we won’t even try.

[Mother Jones ]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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230 comments

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      I have found that staring at my cute partner for about 1 minute helps to bring back my sexy feelings after I've seen pictures of GOP members on the Wonkette. If you don't have an attractiive partner to stare at to counteract the unfortunate GOP Pic Sexual Dysfunction Syndrome (GOPPDS), I hear there may be some porn on the Internet that can help.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          I have heard from friends that you can use one of those searching engines. You type in whatever/whomever you're into, it thinks for a little bit, and then brings up videos and pictures that might be of interest to you. I hear there are also sites that demand payment which I think you should avoid if you are on a tight budget.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          It actually takes less than a minute. He's got to tell me about work first. Then we do it on the dining room table. Then we have to wash the place mats and put the table back together.
          But he is adorable. And he's smart and that just ups the adorable factor.

  1. Thunderclees

    Once upon a time, Minnesotans elected Hubert Humphrey and Paul Wellstone and other non-horrible people.

    1. badseeds

      What the fuck, how do those supposedly good-hearted scandinavians keep pulling the lever for these people?

    2. keinsignal

      Hey, we still got Al Franken, Keith Ellison, and the relatively non-terrible Amy Klobuchar. It's these outstate God's Country types who keep sending the nutcases to DC.

      If you're looking for a solution, my suggestion would be to move election day to some time of year when Seasonal Affective Disorder isn't in full swing.

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        Or during hunting season when, well, you know, someone's surveyor's mark might be in use in someone else's general direction. (Is that vague enough?)

      2. Toomush_Infer

        It's the Minnesota Law of Karma – for every wonderful, intelligent politician, you have to give up one placeholder for Te Krazies!….look it up….

  2. dennis1943

    Forget the HIV testing…….there is apparently a new and virulent form of "mad cow"…….

  3. Callyson

    he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals

    Yeah, I'd like to see this asshole around some wild animals…preferably hungry ones…

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Or dragonflies, or the fish where the female is huge, the male is tiny and a single female basically incorporates the sexual organs of several males to provide a sperm supply.

        Or elephant herds. Or hyenas. Or ever so many other species.

    1. mavenmaven

      Its the female lions that hunt, but you know facts and these guys don't really go well together.

      1. MosesInvests

        Males hunt too-but singly, and at night. Researchers found that out when they went out with night-vision goggles.

    2. Toomush_Infer

      In Michigan here, the prehistoric Sturgeons just spray the river currents with sperm…lady Sturgeons just sashay through on their way to the lake…

  4. Callyson

    And in a taste of irony, the internet radio station I am listening to just started playing a mix of "Don't Want No Short Dick Man."

    (What? Kill me, I like house music. Gives me energy to fight back against assholes like this guy…)

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      That song. Oh, the memories of riding with a car full of other gay boys headin' to the club and blastin' that song as a middle finger to all the homophobic rednecks who were on their way to such shit hole dives named something like "Hog Snort Bar".

  5. frostbitefalls

    Then there's his wife Julie, who took a turn from DIY-abortion-feminism to born again education zealot…

  6. rickmaci

    The GOTeaP. Pulling America irreversibly down the rat hole of fear, stupidity and ignorance, one congressional district at a time.

  7. emmelemm

    "prevent major penetration"

    Obligatory 'something tells me this guy would like some major penetration' joke.

  8. CommieLibunatic

    He thinks women and female animals have a genetic disposition to serve males?

    Something tells me he knows nothing about how nasty, violent, and rapey female spotted hyenas tend to be. Not only do the females sport a humongous pseudo-penis, but adult daughters show "kindness" to their fathers by being less violent to them than other males.

    1. Carabella1

      "Something tells me he knows nothing about how nasty, violent, and rapey female spotted hyenas tend to be."

      Or me.

    2. Chichikovovich

      Face it CommieLibunatic, you can say what you want, but when dinnertime rolls around, many, many females in the animal kingdom are hard-wired to serve males….

      ….and furthermore, most of those males are simply delicious.

  9. glasspusher

    Jeez Louise, did this guy and Michelle drink from the same contaminated well? If so, is it now sealed off? Enquiring minds want to know!

    Edit: didn't see Toots' post above.

  10. Rotundo_

    So a booth peeper is headed to congress, well, I guess he will fit in with the diaper fetish senator and all the other republican freakshow types so he has a seat in the hypocritical creep caucus.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Smartest thing they did was piss off the Catholic Church. It was all downhill from there.

  11. bumfug

    I think this dipshit was hit too hard in the head with a damn thagomizer. Or maybe not quite hard enough.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Heartbreaking, really, that the man who conceived the thagomizer and the man who conceived the transmogrifier are both retired, while the Family Circus is still going strong.

      Your proof of the non-existence of a loving God is right there.

  12. RRoccoco

    It's about time we had a congressman who really understands the meaning of congress. C-Span ratings should skyrocket when he's on the floor. So to speak.

  13. deanbooth

    "It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Muslin works."

    My Precious [bodily fluids]!

  14. GeorgiaBurning

    Why do I think this guy has no reason to worry about any form of sex with another person?

    1. glasspusher

      That brings up a good point. "Worry" and "sex" are not two things that should go hand in hand (so to speak)

      1. DerrickWildcat

        Me too. Mexico has a long history of getting frustrated and doing dumb things when they don't score. If this continues into the 2nd half, watch for the yellow cards to start making frequent appearances.

        1. UnholyMoses

          Halftime. Still scoreless. Mexico with TONS of possession, but good work on the d side.

          I agree: Theyre' gonna get mad. Or they just don't care, given it's a friendly (yeah, I know … but still — just ONE win in that shithole of a stadium would be nice … please. Also, too: THEY CAN HAZ CLEEN AIRZ?)

          1. UnholyMoses

            So that wasn't just me?

            Thought my eyesight was going all whacko on me, or that the signs on the side of the field were the cause.

            Interesting new tactic. It failed, but it's interesting.

    1. UnholyMoses

      Damn — that was quite the halftime show. Not sure what they said, but I think I know where some of the F&F firepower went …

        1. UnholyMoses

          Now that it's over, I'm wondering how long before something not at all good happens.

          We'll see …

        2. DerrickWildcat

          I've come to collect:
          "Small US fan section being evacuated by police as Mexican fans rain projectiles on them in the upper deck. "

          "The result was enough to upset the home fans, too. ESPN's commentators had to give their post-match thoughts under the protection of umbrellas as the disgruntled fans above them dumped beer and every other liquid you can imagine down on them. According to Sports Illustrated's Grant Wahl, the few U.S. fans brave enough to attend the match were evacuated before the final whistle."

          1. BerkeleyBear

            And this is civilized compared to the crap that the team goes through in places like Honduras and even Costa Rica. First time I saw a qualifier in Guatemala (on TV) there was so much stuff thrown on the field that it was hard to follow the ball – and that was before anyone scored!

            1-19-1 at Azteca. Whoot Whoot!

          2. DerrickWildcat

            A game a few years ago, I think Trinidad, the U.S was down a goal and the ball boys would purposely take their own sweet time getting the ball back to a U.S. player for a Throw-in. Basically had to run them down and grab the ball from them.

      1. UnholyMoses

        "Not on anything I can't control" is my rule of betting.

        :-)

        Great win for the U.S. Just … very, very nice.

        Tim Howard was just unbelievable.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          US fans have had such a run of awesome goalies in Keller, Friedel and Howard (and even Meola would have been an upgrade for a lot of sides). I just hope that the D is shored up and the midfield gels enough to give us a fighting shot in Rio.

        2. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Did you catch the fingertip save, followed by the toe-tip save, all while laid out sideways? That'll be on YouTube forever.

  15. Tundra Grifter

    "…a Senate leader suggested he had an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session…"

    According to the tv ads, you're supposed to seek medical attention if you experience a stiffie lasting more than 4 hours.

  16. coolhandnuke

    “At one point…a Senate leader suggested he had an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session”

    Quist must have a phone bill that rivals Cambodia's GDP.

  17. keinsignal

    Here's his political obituary, written back in '98, and hopefully not a minute too soon… http://www.citypages.com/1998-06-24/books/the-bri

    Dude even out-Santorum'ed Santorum: " Years ago, when Quist's first wife died while nearly seven months pregnant, Quist had the fetus removed from her body and displayed in an open casket so his family could properly grieve for an unborn child."

  18. Beowoof

    This guy and Michele are afflicted with a rare genetic disorder, Coldmakesyoustupid. Few have it, but in those that do are lost in reich wing fantasies.

    1. glasspusher

      Great, but how does that explain teh crazy in the hot, wet "southern regions" of our country?

      Also: one of the first things to go with hypothermia is brain function. You may be on to something.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Well, if you live in the arctic, you can use all of the heat you can get. But then there's all the trips to the store and climbing ladders to replace bulbs. I'll just take the 8 watt led that will last for 20 years.

  19. Mittens Howell, III

    He believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals.

    Like, um … black widow spiders, for example?

    Here's some other species where females dominate: elephants, baboons, the Bush family.

  20. littlebigdaddy

    Is he in a relationship with the P.E.N.I.S. in the anus lady? Cuz, if not, it would make sense.

    1. RadioBowels

      If by Gollem you mean fecal material.

      edit: better yet I definitely see the resemblance between Santorum and Ryan.

    1. Isyaignert

      Ha! I was just trying to think of that dude's name yesterday! If elected, his first order of business was to cut the gold fringe off of every American flag. No 'effin' lie. He said, "It's the red, white and blue flag, not the red, white, blue and gold flag, so the gold's got to go."

  21. coolhandnuke

    … he is also quite certain that humans and dinosaurs lived together quite recently…

    Who's going to inform Quist that "The Flinstones" was not a documentary?

    1. Barrelhse

      Would that be the opening line of your novel?
      Much better than "It was a dark and stormy, etc…"- Eat your heart out, Ken.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        It was the best of un-fucking-believable times and the worst of un-fucking believable times…

  22. pinkocommi

    "the chap who 'went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse’”

    The phrase, "Takes one to know one," springs to mind.

  23. Maman

    Oh Goodie, He is one of those assholes that believes that people should have mandatory AIDS testing to get a marriage license. Thanks for that asshole. You owe me money. Illinois had that law when I got married.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Personally, I think a complete bloodwork scan would be preferable to the whole green card, work residency, H1b, and quotas for immigration purposes. It would make the immigration process take ten minutes instead of ten years. We have the technology.

  24. JCE1985

    What if it turned out that this dude was just in some weird, sleep-walking coma for decades?

    I dunno. If I were hearing this dude described during an interview, I'd angrily take off my lapel mic and leave. To think that we're lucky enough to exist at all, while an infinite amount of different human consciousnesses could have existed in our place (or not at all), and we still have to deal with this sort of bullshit?

    Fuck. It's kind of beautiful, in a ridiculously shitty sort of way.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Evolution does that. Try out every bad idea until they die. The survivors shamble on.

  25. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "told a Minnesota reporter he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals."

    PRAYING MANTIS LIBEL!!

  26. littlebigdaddy

    Somehow the phrase "disgraced former scout master" comes to mind when I look at that pic.

  27. HarryButtle

    I'm sort of reminded of George C Scott in Hardcore. Except George C Scott was looking for his abused teenage daughter and Allen Quist is banging a rentboy for fun. But, both undercover.

      1. foxpuppet

        Since I'm currently not gainfully employed, I can't afford to contribute either. But I hope that if I post a link, someone who CAN afford to donate will find it easier to do so.

  28. comrad_darkness

    "Allen Quist, the homophobic . . ."

    GAY!!!

    " . . . went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse . . ."

    ZOMG so GAY!!!

    " . . . prevent major penetration . . ."

    GAH, GAY meter broken!

  29. valmach

    If I asked this question 100 times .. I suppose I have to ask it one more.. Whats Wrong With White People?…

  30. valmach

    WTF! is wrong with Americans, and what does it say about the rest of the world for letting you sick M.F.ers be in charge?

  31. Terry

    "told a Minnesota reporter he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals."

    Yes, like the many species of fish where the male attaches to the female's side and wastes away to a little, almost vestigial, nub whose only purpose is to deliver sperm.

  32. Schmegeg

    "the chap who “went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse’”?

    He is Captain Obvious, whose e superpower is, well, obvious.

  33. owhatever

    The GOP should be proud. I hope Mitt and his rent boy drop by to do a campaign stop, or at least a taped endorsement to embrace the message.

  34. Isyaignert

    FACT: Recent scientific studies have proven that the more homophobic one is, the greater the chance that they'll get turned on by gay porn. Ergo, that dude's a self-loathing, closeted homosexual just like half the men in the Republicon party.

  35. lochnessmonster

    I went to Minnesota once on a business trip. It now seems like it was a good thing we didn't drink the water…

  36. oldedinvn

    Oh shit. How come I always get this good stuff days later. I am 12 hours ealier in normal time & 11 during make a time. Plz Ms. R, post somethin about 3 am so maybe if I am accidently sober, I won't not be 12 whores late.

  37. Kid_Charlemagne

    Why this reminds me of the Onion editorial "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?"

  38. outragedcitizen

    "… he believed women were “genetically predisposed” to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals."

    He never met my female Chihuahua. Call her subservient and she will chew his ankles to shreds and when he falls she'll eat his nuts!

  39. CastleRockBear

    We shall see if Minnesotans vote for this hideous viper in the November elections! If they do, money and STUPIDITY reign supreme in Minnesota! I'm hoping sensibility and sanity will prevail, I just need to hold on to the truth that this is not Wisconsin!

  40. VA_Dreaming

    If you cite animal evidence to say that women are genetically predisposed to be subservient to men, you are using the theory of evolution to support your argument. But since he doesn't think evolution is real, he used a false premise in his argument, making it invalid. No wonder that he believes these stupid things, he doesn't even understand logic.

  41. Nostrildamus

    … an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session …

    OK, I'm impressed. I'm plumb tuckered after about 6 hours.

Comments are closed.