Oh man, if there’s one thing that can only mean good things, it’s when a longtime Congressman who was already going to quit at the end of the term — which is, like, only five months away — decides, ‘Enh, you know what, I don’t have another five months to waste on this bullshit,’ and just up and quits right away! Could there be some brewing scandal beneath his claims that “increasing parenting challenges” require his full attention? Are there hookers involved? (Adult lady hookers, obviously, he’s a Democrat.) Bribes? Murders? Sure, let’s say murders!
Let’s connect the dots, people: Dennis Cardoza was once upon time Gary Condit’s chief of staff but then he became a California legislator and then later ran against Gary Condit in the 2002 Democratic primary because Gary Condit refused to resign in disgrace over the whole Chandra Levy thing, and Dennis Cardoza won and has been a Congressman ever since. If you are a Young Person who has no memory of the Chandra Levy case, here, read the Wikipedia page about her. Your editor was expecting to be taken back to a simpler time, the summer of 2001, when the worst America had to worry about was Bush privatizing Social Security and a weird wave of shark attacks and maybe this California congressman (Gary Condit) had murdered an intern he was sleeping with (Chandra Levy). But the article actually turns out to be super-depressing, with the gruesome details of her death and her father lying to investigators to make Condit look guiltier, so be warned!
Eventually they convicted a Salvadoran dude for the murder, but maybe Cardoza was secretly behind it so that he could take Condit’s place in Congress? And this is about to come out which is why he’s quitting now? Could this be what’s happening???
Haha, NO, certainly not, only a monster would propose such a thing (please do not sue us). In fact, the much more likely (and depressing reason) comes from the complete version of the sentence where he mentioned his parenting challenges:
In light of the fact that nothing is going to happen for the rest of the year, and in light of the fact that (my wife) and I are facing increasing parenting challenges, this seemed the right time to make this move.
Uh oh, did a sitting Congressman just publicly admit that Congress will literally not do anything else for the entire rest of the current term? Whoops! Sorry about that whole “fiscal cliff” business, everybody! Yeah, quitting’s probably a pretty good idea. Also, Cardoza was a Blue Dog Democrat and he gave them a special shout-out in his statement: “Long may you bark.” Gross, do you think he made “Who Let The Dogs Out”-style barking noises when he said this? Murder would be less shameful. [SacBee/Politico]
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He just found out Harry Reid is asking about HIS tax returns.
No one wants to learn they're the hot topic on Harry's Gossip Line.
"So, I says to Mable, I says…"
He has exactly the same hair as Romney, does that mean anything?
Well, if he's a "Blue Dog" Democrat, he can get skullfucked (WITH VOTES) for all I care.
They're called blue dogs because they screw democratic voters until they're blue in the face.
I think they are called Blue Dogs because they enjoy auoerotic asphyxiation.
The absolute last thing we need are Blue Dogs. Good riddance!
Finally, a productive member of Congress!
The best part of the Chandra Levy case was how it got Kos permabanned from MSNBC, for calling Joe Scarborough a hypocrite, for being a giant hypocrite.
Dead intern in a Democrat's office: bad
Dead intern in a Republican's office: meh
Now YOU'RE banned from MSNBC, too!
Aw, let Markos back on. He is easier on the eyes than all those old Republicans with the drooping jowls.
Marcy Wheeler (emptywheel) got permabanned from MSNBC for saying "blow job" in a passing reference to the Clinton impeachment. It's hard to say which is cooler.
You mean like when Joe Scarborough killed that intern in the 90s? Oh, allegedly.
FUN FACT: No picture to this day has ever been published of Joe Scarborough's dead aide, Lori Klausutis.
On the evening of Sept 10, 2001 I was watching some CNN/MSNBC/I honestly don't remember what show it was and the talking heads were talking about why they kept talking about Chandra Levy and sharks. Then one of the talking heads said something along the lines of "because we have nothing else to talk about". Less than 12 hours later shit went down.
I miss the Summer of 2001.
Salad days.
Gefilte fish days.
More like ludefisk.
Sheeeeit, I miss the summer of 2000. I'd never heard of Kitty Harris, Al Gore still hadn't lost the Supreme Court vote, and we were still focused on terrorism.
"The Summer of 2001"
Back when The Strokes released one of the best albums ever
Night of 9/10/01:
Roommate: "Hey, can you give me a lift tomorrow morning?"
Me: "Sure, no problem. You just have to be able to wake me up."
Roommate: "Oh, don't worry, I'll wake you up."
That's one hell of a beej.
Your reminiscence made me think of that time. I truly think that 9/11/2001 was the end of the innocence.
Kind of like: "b.c. vs. a.d."
Before Calamity, After Dubya.
I miss the Summer of 2001 because I was still married, still employed, and could still make a jump shot. Ah well.
It's crazy, as mad as I was about Gore being put to the side, during the summer of 2001, I was also beginning to think that Bush would be a forgettable president, at worst. Everything seemed so much more simple. I thought 2000 was divisive, but things only got worse.
Aw fuck it! I'm sure if I don't go back nothing is going to happen, and if I do go back nothing is going to happen….so….I quit.
My whole goal in life is to get a well-paying job with benefits that requires me to do absolutely nothing. I have been doing it wrong this whole time!
"My wife and I are facing increasing parenting challenges…"
I take that to mean that his wife has murdered their children or that he has a large group of children previously unrevealed to his wife. Nothing else makes sense.
or Bristol style stuff?
Or vandalizing school buses.
Track Palin libel! He voluntarily went into the military because…because…freedom!
Absolutely, freedom (as opposed to being locked up).
Obviously, he's quitting to become Ron Paul's running mate when he wins at the RNC.
Live boy links resigning congressman to dead girl.
He want to spend more time begging his family not to kick his ass out for being such a terrible daddy
No no. That's the post-Tammy Duckworth Joe Walsh narrative. KEEP UP NOW.
He's joining Sarah Palin's Griftin' Quitters Party (GQP), a "non-partisan" group of politicians devoted to being lazy, sanctimonious assholes.
When one of us quits a job, it is rare to receive unemployment benefits because we quit. Since Cardoza quit, will he not receive his $132k salary for life?
In a non-descript suburban California home, five teens quietly sneak looks at each other…
He's just anxious to get started with his new career as a hand model.
This smells like a job for James O'Keefe!
Really no need to speculate. When a Congressmen resigns in haste, it usually means there was young gay dick involved.
The only speculation is where did it happen, who's dick what is it and which tabloid has the photos.
Just sayin.
And really why does "I want to spend time with my family" always really mean "I am having gay sex with my pool boy".
Nothing sinister folks, he was open about his upcoming parenting challenges. One of the Most Fecundity-tous Palins is carrying his love child.
Hell, I impregnated a Palin just by holding a wine cooler and looking at her ass. It's that easy.
The Promises at Malibu has a program for necrophilia.
oh lord, I could have gone all day without thinking about that! Imagine the aversion therapy techniques in that class.
The "corpses" suddenly come back to life?
I'd ask how you know, but…
The Donald showed him his 'big surprise' and now he must be in therapy for the next 2 years to recover.
The surprise? The carpet matches the drapes.
parenting challenges
What, did his kids just figure out how annoying they can be when they call Mom & Dad "Dennis" and "Kathie" directly to their face… after Bart Simpson's been doing this for years, with Franny and Zooey Glass waaaay prior to that?
(sorry I'm still reading up on Zoo Deschanel and her halcyon cinematically inclined clan)
Being named after Zooey Glass, poor young Ms. Deschanel never really did have any choice in life, but to grow up to be Quirky!.
That's her show's name, right? Quirky, almost worse a label than 'twee.'
Mr. Inciteful — if indeed that is your name — you missed a fine opportunity to cash in a joke at the Cardoza brood's expense with "It's a Wise-Ass Child."
I was gonna work it in somehow but I don't cotton to gettin caught mumblin to my own self — so actually, thanks for your assist w/ a reply~
I refuse to use that word, "twee". The way I see it, either it isn't actually a real word, in which case I won't use it on principle because I'm not a fucking five-year-old, or worse yet, it is a real word, in which case I hope that if I ignore it, it will go away.
Though I do admit that it is a word that manages to sound exactly like what it means.
P.S. the only place I can think of taking the "It's a Wise-ass Child" is to the place that XKCD did, and from there, to the Palin spawn.
PPS I never realized how awesome -and topical!- your Avatar is.
He fits right in, doesn't he?
Recently Radiotherapy remarked something about S. Palin's anal wink. I like to think of this as P. Ryan's "Aynal Wink."
"Your editor was expecting to be taken back to a simpler time, the summer of 2001, when the worst America had to worry about was Bush privatizing Social Security and a weird wave of shark attacks "
Yep, 911 "changed" everything.
For me, Reno 911 changed everything. I look FABULOUS in these jean shorts.
ROTFLMAO!
He's locked in a torrid affair with Donald Trump. Sorry to spoil your RNC announcement Donald.
I bet it has something to do with Corinthian leather.
Don't be silly, everyone knows Zombie Vince Foster and Obama killed Chandra Levy.
Retroactively, of course, and with votes.
What does Roll Call have to say about all this?
The five-term Blue Dog Democrat's announcement came as no surprise. California's new independent redistricting commission placed him in the same Central Valley district as Rep. Jim Costa, his good friend and a fellow Blue Dog. Costa and Cardoza voted for each other instead of for Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) during the roll call vote for Speaker at the beginning of this Congress.
http://www.rollcall.com/news/Dennis-Cardoza-retir…
Yeah, don't let the door hit you on the way out, jerk…
Blue Dog? Likely some rent boy scandal brewing.
"facing increasing parenting challenges"
Sounds like incest, but I could be wrong.
Please be reminded, Sharks propose such things ALL THE TIME.
The heat in the Central Valley may be a dry heat, but it will still fry your brain cells.
He wants to 'spend more time with one's family'?! Better ask the family first.
He has teenagers. 'Nuff said.
Who in their right mind is in a rush to get back to the Central Valley?
To be with teenagers?
~ ( door –> ass)
"While I have been assured by my friend Steve King that we did nothing illegal…"
Sure, speculating wildly is fun, but the SacBee offers a pretty plausible explanation:
Cardoza had announced last October he would not run for reelection, after the bipartisan California Citizens Redistricting Commission carved the San Joaquin Valley into new House districts. The redistricting essentially left Cardoza the choice of either retiring or facing off against his longtime friend and ally, Rep. Jim Costa, D-Fresno.
He looks like the salesman for the next-best leading brand in every commercial ever.
Word is that some recent Congressional resignation has to do with a gay affair with a male teenager, a rentboy, embezzlement, money laundering, forgery, using office time for non-office functions, an in-office affair with a male intern, an arrest that has not been made public yet, an extramarital affair, receiving illegal slush money, bribes, the Mob, the Mafia, the Syndicate, spying, taking home classified documents, releasing sensitive government information to the KGB, the Illuminati, the revelation of a series of embarrassing photographs, the surfacing of embarrassing e-mails, and a past arrest that a hard-working reporter recently discovered.
Wait, was that one GOPer, or all of them?
And a par-triiiiii-dge in a pear tree.
Don't forget sexting.
At least he has the guts to admit what Sarah Palin didn't. Just sayin'.
Right? "Eh, I'm bored."
I'm just putting it out there: Furries.
His cute little foster children are now teenagers, so let's see how Ahhhh-gust plays out. No one can top the Sacramento Spooge Monster of All Time – Michael Duvall and his lobbyist girlfriend dripping into her "Eye Patch underwear".
His kid is working for his opponent's campaign?
Fixed — for greatest accuracy!
Foolish move. If he had done this last week, he would have met all the requirements to be a GOP VP nominee.
Tell me again why I want to move back to rural California?
It's pretty up here in the hills?
Yeah, that's all I got.
I'ma do it, anyway. My heart belongs in the Owens Valley…
ONE MILLION BAZILLION WHORE DIAMONDS FOR EVERYONE!
(Talk about going back to a simpler time…!)
It's the most won-der-ful tiiiime of the year!
It's Cocktober already?
It's a little early, but it sure is starting to feel like the HAP HAPPIEST SEASON OF ALLLLLL!
yaawn
Maybe he can convince all his colleagues to do the same………no one would notice a meaningful difference………
Great now who'm I gonna email pictures of my junk?
Ha ha, he's already taken a job as managing director at a DC law firm.
Sure fixed those parenting issues in a hurry.
I blame Obama.
Cardoza is exiting before the LA Times breaks that he was once Gladys Knight's favorite Pip.
The truth is that on a dark and stormy night in Washington, the Congressman was working late and alone in his office when fjjhg ddggh (damn typing machine broke) dhgfh …
Should I feel guilty that when I saw this I was hoping it was a Republican?
Anyway, looks like some attended the Sarah Palin College of Quitting, 'cause he didn't even stay long enough to graduate.
The Central Valley is the Oklahoma of California, si?
I knew from the start that Gary Condit was behind 9/11. It's obvious Condit is now blackmailing Cardoza, threatening to reveal the shocking Cardoza family secret: Paul Ryan is Cardoza's son.
Coincidence? I don't think so. Only a Congressman, such as Condit, is brilliant enough to be an evil genius who could pull off this complex scheme.
Expect Paul-Ryan-look-alike Matt Damon to portray Condit in the biopic.
Parenting challenges = paying for college = take the first multimillion dollar lobbying job that comes your way
I attended a lecture of a well known psychic about two weeks after Chandra Levy disappeared. An intermediary for the family requested to know whether she was alive. They were told no and the Congressman and his wife were not involved. The murderer was an old boyfriend of Chandra.
Central Valley – Teens – Meth – Underage Pregnancy
Solved
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