Today I am working on my ‘big surprise’ for the @rnc convention. Everyone will love it.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 14, 2012
That is the promise of Donald Trump, who is among the most prominent delusional psychopaths participating in the RNC this year (but certainly not the only one!). Although he did once promise us the results of his Hawaiian investigation into Barack Obama’s birth certificate, that can’t be the surprise, because we all know Obama is lying about that anyway. It would be like someone surprising you with the cake you were already eating.
Your Wonkette wants to bring together the combined brainpower of the Wonketariat to figure out what this surprise is and spoil it for all of the RNC-goers. It’s okay; they will be too bloated and tired off of four days of Chick-fil-A to even care.
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No listing for 'Trump lets his rug run free?' IT'S A FIX.
He lets his rug run free on the convention floor, and then…
Release the Roomba!
I wanted a listing for him announcing the new ex-wife he just bought.
Will he confess to his attempted combover?
Does it involve his "hair"?
It involves Gerbils.
"A merkin for every 'Merican."
How will he be managing the "Big Talent"?
Trump will admit he was Ayn Rand's rentboy?
That was Alan Greenspan.
Donald, Donald… a Cleveland Steamer is only a big surprise the first time.
Oooh! Ooooh! *raises hand a la the recently departed Arnold Horshack*
The Donald is going to reveal, at long last, that he really is Ann Coulter in bad man drag.
and that he is indeed short fingered.
I didn't know that Horshack had died- now I am sad…
Same here. The guy who played Epstein also died this year. Both were in their sixties, taught acting in high schools, and died of heart attacks. I guess the take-away is "don't teach acting in high school."
Damn… oh well, I gave up teaching drama a couple of years ago, so maybe I'm safe.
Another one of us that didn't know Horshack died. I haz sad.
He and Sheldon have chipped in and bought the election for Mittens, rendering the rest of the campaign unnecessary.
Where's the surprise, though?
"Please, please leave the room if this will…if this will affect you."
Yikes. Forgot about that guy.
Miss USA pageant is rigged?
I think he is going to come out and say he is dating the tranny.
That would make him a Democrat.
Now now. Rudy may be one plug-ugly drag queen, but calling him a tranny is an insult to decent trannies everywhere.
Liar — nobody loves anything he does. Ever. Also.
If he publicly took a vow of silence, I could definitely muster some enthusiastic support.
Lots of people love it when he leaves a room.
needs moar gold leaf and chandeliers
Your name seems… familiar.
Won't they be disappointed when they find out "big surprise" is what he's named his dick.
No, no, he said 'big surprise' and to see his dick we'd all need magnifying glasses.
Since when does he embrace truth in advertising?
He is all dick.
Dick in a box!
Good thing he has tiny little fingers to wrap around his tiny little dick.
Ew, I don't wanna think about Tump-dick.
I already know the answer to that one. His dick is named "Ayn."
WWE's Vince McMahon is his lover and they are going to be gay married in a Massachusetts factory built by Elizabeth "Hiawatha" Warren.
Coffee almost came out of my nose on this one. I regret that I have but one thumbs up for you.
Ham radio performance art?
Here it is:
What it's going to be is a taped segment, with an Obama look a like sitting in his "boardroom" and Trump is going to fire him.
Cue the gaffaws and laughs and racist epitaphs from the crowd as they collectively start choking on their chicken.
Trump briefly walks on stage for about 30 seconds of cheers and then is guided off, under strict orders not to say anything or he won't be paid for his appearance.
Bingo!
Right, it's being taped today, so there he goes, his stupid surprise is ruined!
that is one surprise i am very happy to have ruined.
though it's not like i'm going to be watching that crap anyway.
Ah hell, that will be it. Ugh.
That seems totally possible to me.
And by the way, because of the racial overtones it will go over like a lead balloon in most of the country and instead of talking about Romney, everyone will talk about what a jackass Trump is (although he won't care, his job is getting publicity, not helping Romney). GOP officials will cringe, wondering why they let this happen.
But Romney won't be able to distance himself from the comments, simply because he isn't good at disowning anything that he didn't say himself.
Sounds about right.
The problem is that their Obama look-alike is Asian, so nobody will get the joke.
God, that sounds awful and something only a giant racist asshole would find funny.
So I'm sure that's what will happen.
Maybe he'll finally show everyone his matching merkin.
He’s cashing out and moving to France where they appreciate is genius. We won’t have Donald to kick around anymore!
The Donald to you!
"Those of you in the first row may want to back up about six inches."
Today I am working on my 'big surprise' for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.
He's going to show his real hair?
Probably declaring his running mate to be Sarah Palin.
For the office of President of Television!
If it's like the surprise in the Crying Game then keep it in your pants, Donald.
The launch of Trump Douche?
I thought that was his father's big surprise when he got Trump's mother knocked up.
Trump wart remover
Isn't Trump Douche redundant?
He's not invited but he's gonna show up and blather like a dumbass motherfucker anyway because he's convinced himself that the GOP would benefit from his wisdom and experience?
Strangely enough, Sarah Palin is doing the same thing.
He's going to replace the confetti/ballon drop with poor people.
HA! This one is my favorite.
He's going to tell us what species that thing on his head is?
Yeti sperm.
"Everybody stand back while I whip this thing out."
"Ya gotta get close to see it."
Look, I love surprises like the best of 'em, but dear lord, "Everyone will love it."
Really, Donnie? Are you sure?
Donald is Kenyan.
BUTTSECKS!!1
That's AH-DORABLE!
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a mass murder/suicide. Yeah, I said it.
Don't skullfuck anyone, and it'll be okay.
I once released my "big surprise" at a park, and ended up spending 48 hours in jail.
That sex offender registry's a bitch, ain't it?
Honestly, it's the violent prison rape I could do without.
I look at it as a way to meet new and interesting people with a common background. And Priest.
Anderson Cooper? Oh, you said a "surprise."
You know who else released a big surprise on the world?
Harry Truman?
Trinity Site Libel!!!!
Ron Jeremy
We would have also accepted Harry Reams.
How about John Holmes or this guy
Sarah Palin?
Aaron Sorkin?
The makers of The Crying Game?
http://hnbbs.net/?p=3949
George Bush wearing a cod piece and military flight suit on a aircraft carrier with a sign stating "Mission Accomplished?"
George Lucas in The Empire Strikes Back?
That guy who made the Kony video?
Unless it involves Donald sticking his head up a blue whale's ass, I do not care.
What did a Whale ever do to you to wish this? Now if Trump dives into the ocean with killer whales- ok!
His transformation into his true form: that of a giant Slor!
Many Kenyans and Socialist Nazis knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of Trump that day, I can tell you, also.
Come on, we all know that he's just going to announce the newest season of The Apprentice.
And with it, he will continue to get paid so he has something to live on.
Wait you mean that after the election he will announce that win or lose, RMoney and Ryan will join Sarah, Cheney, Dubya, Michelle Bachmann and Santorum as then new cast of "The Political Apprentice"?
A girl can dream, right?
Expose his hairy back mutant Kunto as the mastermind of his career as a con artist.
He'll finally give his response to Obama's comments during the Correspondent's Dinner (aka Washington lovefest).
Trumps big surprise is that all the birds sucked into the massive engines of his Boeing 757 are used as mulch for the fairways of his Scottish golf course, only because he ran out of little children mulch, being hard to come by with the potato famine and all.
I can only assume that it involves the Joker's museum death gas from Tim Burton's "Batman" and gas masks for all the classy broads.
Not sure what it is, but anything big that my namesake could deliver would only reveal the contemporary GOP to be a complete and utter joke of a party – so no surprise at all.
Today I am working on my 'big surprise' for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.
Oh, never mind the hair–please let the big surprise be a convention floor challenge to Mittens. He's right–everyone *would* love that…
'Bama and Biden are not only running mates, their soul mates…yea, gay married.
He's the Batman?
Batshit.
Yes, i m ironman!
Donald Trump is proof God exists and she is spiteful.
Y'all just ain't got no sense of sportingness. Only 11% voting for pregnant? C'MON, that would be the biggest surprise of all!
Some thoughts are simply too terrible to contemplate.
I'm surprised Mittens invited that asshole to the convention anyway.
You are surprised an asshole invited an asshole to an asshole convention?
When Freud was describing the typical indicators of transference didn't he specifically mention that the patient might begin talking about a "present, a surprise" that he was preparing for the therapist? Is it possible that the Donald thinks we have some sort of personal relationship with him?
He's going to jump out of a cake wearing spinners and a g-string.
The real surprise will be millions of viewers vomiting in unison.
"The real surprise will be
millions ofall thirty-seven viewers vomiting in unison." Fixed.Buttsekks!!!
(repeated comment from earlier)
Free hookers on The Donald's tab!
Surprise: They're dead!
20 bucks says its his mangina
Like everyone else he's tried to "surprise" we will all conclude it's not big at all.
Trump will appear on stage in a classic devil costume; drink a concoction of gasoline, nitroglycerin, gunpowder and uranium 238; and then explode. It's a doozy of a trick, but he can only do it once!
Big surprise huh. Well, in that case, it's not his wang.
Is it going to be that he's the biggest man in the world? And he's covered in gold?
Well, that kind of talk worked out really well for Andrew Breitbart.
Trump's going to be leaving the equivalent of a giant Cleveland Steamer on Romney's chest in front of the the assembled convention. Quelle surprise!!
After their fall appearances on Dancing with the "Stars" and "Stars" Earn Stripes, professional reality famewhores Todd and Bristol Palin will be on the next "Celebrity" Apprentice?
This actually seems likely.
Great. He's probably found Capone's vault.
Every titty bar in Tampa is rejoicing over the RNC
Shut the fuck up, Donnie. You're out of your element.
But the rug really ties the…. no, that rug of his doesn't tie anything together, does it.
I just saw Elton John's bare-naked ass at dlisted, so do not have the stomach for this one, guys.
His amazing new Web site, Shortfingeredvulgarity.com, where you can purchase gaudy chandeliers, goldplated bathroom fixtures, $50 steaks, etc.
"Look at me, Damien! It's all for you!" (steps off the roof)
ROTFLMAO!!!
He's going Commando!….
The surprise:
The Donald is not real, he is a creation of "The Yes Men." An elaborate prank to show the avarice, racism and rank stupidity of the "elites" we all serve.
GOTCHA!
Three more guesses:
1. It really was a mandate all along!
2. A tattoo over his heart that says "Breitbart is here".
3. He's spent all of his fortune reanimating the corpse of Andrew Breitbart into an ungodly monster that throws little girls into lakes and blames it on the Occupy movement.
"Domestic snake oil will reduce our dependency on foreign imports!"
this tweet is the rich grown-up douche laughing-stock equivalent of a toddler's "Mommy! Mommy! Watch me dive! MOMMY! YOU'RE NOT WATCHING!! WATCH ME!!!"
Trump always impressed me as the kind of guy who would say "I've got a surprise for ya!" followed by the phrase, "Pull my finger."
He's going to fire Mitt and Paul are run for both offices, himself. Then he'll have a Presidential TV show "Celebrity VEEP" to fill the vacancy.
Romney gaffe:
http://univisionnews.tumblr.com/post/29412980979/…
MrLimeylizzie just suggested, over tuna and Kale salad on the deck, that he will paint an elephant gold and have it bedazzled in the parking lot and then it will die. That is all.
No arugula?
No, but I am drinking the world's nelliest sparkling water “Cascade Ice, Organic Lemon Zest Flavour”, hey come on I'm in Hollywood after all!
Way to blow Banksy's cover, MrLimeylizzie…
He will be captured by the Scooby gang, and they will at long last rip that redonkulous wig off of his head. He would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.
He's going to endorse Ron Paul?
Cleaning up Trumps fool's-gold encrusted turd from the stage oughta create a few jobs.
Da Donald's gonna leave a deuce on the dais right before Anne Romney speaks.
He's going to STFU! Audience will be absolutely stunned!
Only in my dreams.
"Everyone will love it."
Handing out free autographed pictures of himself, free autographed DVDs of his crappy show and free autographed books he claimed he authored because only Donald thinks everyone loves Donald.
He's crowning himself King (a la Napoleon), so run along now Mittens!
Wait, he said Big Surprise! This can only mean that he is going to gay marry Herman Cain or Rick Santorum.
Will Guinness Book of World Records be there to document Donald's giant dump?
god almighty i would be so embarrassed to claim any affiliation with this party. i mean seriously, trump, bachmann, perry, newt gingrich, herman cain, paul pere et fils, walsh, barton, issa, king, gohmert, brewer, joe the plumber, our lady of grifting, that one witch, the entire states of FL, MS and TX and etc.
the closest thing we have is what? a couple of hetero sex scandals, john kerry on a boat, a renewable energy scandal and dennis kucinich.
how is this even a contest?
He is secretly on David Axelrod's payroll?
In the voting box, there was not a “Don’t Know” button.
I want to be a “Don’t Know/Don’t Care” respondent to anything Donald.
Donald Trump can only do eight things that "everyone will love." Four involve his hair. One involves supergluing himself to a chair and giving his ex-wives stun guns. Another includes Donald making up with all the Jersey carpenters screwed by Trump Inc declaring bankruptcy by giving them free Miss Universe also-rans as au pairs. The last two are too secret to mention…
Pull my finger!
Will it be HUGE?
The Donald will reveal … (oh, WTF, who cares)
He's going to repeat his own candid confession that he finds his own daughter so hot that he'd do her, himself. Family values!
You ask us about what kind of surprise to expect, and you don't have an option for "ass-fucking?"
Famiglia pizza for all. (At a slightly discounted price).
Trumpo could really surprise everybody by not being a total putz. Of course then we'd know he hired a stand-in.
Is he going to feed the ferret living on his head?
Glitterbomb?
Surprise, Surprise, right in our eyes.
A Meatloaf/Gary Busey ticket for 2016?
"Everyone will love it"….we always do Donald, we always do.
…and it will be HUGE! Much like the dump I took this morning, but not as pleasing to the eye.
I got 50 bucks on magnetic, gold plate, cz encrusted, Obama nose bones. It's the only thing classless enough to make sense.
Oh god, you reminded me on the ending to Lost, which left me angry and in tears and thankful and confused.
The surprise is that he will fire Romney for the nomination and give it to Omarosa.
Why am I picturing the Jack Donehy (30 Rock) non 4th of July surprise Fireworks special/terrorist attack?
He's going to do an R. Budd Dwyer impression?
A stunning NEW LINE of evening wear! It's true!
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