That is the promise of Donald Trump, who is among the most prominent delusional psychopaths participating in the RNC this year (but certainly not the only one!). Although he did once promise us the results of his Hawaiian investigation into Barack Obama’s birth certificate, that can’t be the surprise, because we all know Obama is lying about that anyway. It would be like someone surprising you with the cake you were already eating.

Your Wonkette wants to bring together the combined brainpower of the Wonketariat to figure out what this surprise is and spoil it for all of the RNC-goers. It’s okay; they will be too bloated and tired off of four days of Chick-fil-A to even care.

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  • Madfall

    No listing for 'Trump lets his rug run free?' IT'S A FIX.

    • Generation[redacted]

      He lets his rug run free on the convention floor, and then…

      Release the Roomba!

    • yrbmegr

      I wanted a listing for him announcing the new ex-wife he just bought.

  • Come here a minute

    Will he confess to his attempted combover?

  • bumfug

    Does it involve his "hair"?

    • nounverb911

      It involves Gerbils.

    • Angry_Marmot

      "A merkin for every 'Merican."

  • How will he be managing the "Big Talent"?

  • IonaTrailer

    Trump will admit he was Ayn Rand's rentboy?

    • Slim_Pickins

      That was Alan Greenspan.

  • kissawookiee

    Donald, Donald… a Cleveland Steamer is only a big surprise the first time.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oooh! Ooooh! *raises hand a la the recently departed Arnold Horshack*

    The Donald is going to reveal, at long last, that he really is Ann Coulter in bad man drag.

    • HempDogbane

      and that he is indeed short fingered.

    • foxpuppet

      I didn't know that Horshack had died- now I am sad…

      • Same here. The guy who played Epstein also died this year. Both were in their sixties, taught acting in high schools, and died of heart attacks. I guess the take-away is "don't teach acting in high school."

        • viennawoods13

          Damn… oh well, I gave up teaching drama a couple of years ago, so maybe I'm safe.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Another one of us that didn't know Horshack died. I haz sad.

  • noodlesalad

    He and Sheldon have chipped in and bought the election for Mittens, rendering the rest of the campaign unnecessary.

    • foxpuppet

      Where's the surprise, though?

  • badseeds

    "Please, please leave the room if this will…if this will affect you."

  • ChernobylSoup

    Miss USA pageant is rigged?

    • Beowoof

      I think he is going to come out and say he is dating the tranny.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        That would make him a Democrat.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Now now. Rudy may be one plug-ugly drag queen, but calling him a tranny is an insult to decent trannies everywhere.

  • Not_So_Much

    Liar — nobody loves anything he does. Ever. Also.

    • foxpuppet

      If he publicly took a vow of silence, I could definitely muster some enthusiastic support.

    • One_who_wanders

      Lots of people love it when he leaves a room.

  • IonaTrailer

    needs moar gold leaf and chandeliers

    • BornInATrailer

      Your name seems… familiar.

  • BornInATrailer

    Won't they be disappointed when they find out "big surprise" is what he's named his dick.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      No, no, he said 'big surprise' and to see his dick we'd all need magnifying glasses.

      • BornInATrailer

        Since when does he embrace truth in advertising?

      • Beowoof

        He is all dick.

    • IonaTrailer

      Dick in a box!

    • MissTaken

      Good thing he has tiny little fingers to wrap around his tiny little dick.

      • SorosBot

        Ew, I don't wanna think about Tump-dick.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I already know the answer to that one. His dick is named "Ayn."

  • Buzz Feedback

    WWE's Vince McMahon is his lover and they are going to be gay married in a Massachusetts factory built by Elizabeth "Hiawatha" Warren.

    • One_who_wanders

      Coffee almost came out of my nose on this one. I regret that I have but one thumbs up for you.

  • OzoneTom

    Ham radio performance art?

  • Here it is:

    What it's going to be is a taped segment, with an Obama look a like sitting in his "boardroom" and Trump is going to fire him.

    Cue the gaffaws and laughs and racist epitaphs from the crowd as they collectively start choking on their chicken.

    Trump briefly walks on stage for about 30 seconds of cheers and then is guided off, under strict orders not to say anything or he won't be paid for his appearance.

    • IonaTrailer


      • Right, it's being taped today, so there he goes, his stupid surprise is ruined!

        • that is one surprise i am very happy to have ruined.

          though it's not like i'm going to be watching that crap anyway.

    • MissTaken

      Ah hell, that will be it. Ugh.

    • Ruhe

      That seems totally possible to me.

    • And by the way, because of the racial overtones it will go over like a lead balloon in most of the country and instead of talking about Romney, everyone will talk about what a jackass Trump is (although he won't care, his job is getting publicity, not helping Romney). GOP officials will cringe, wondering why they let this happen.

      • anniegetyerfun

        But Romney won't be able to distance himself from the comments, simply because he isn't good at disowning anything that he didn't say himself.

    • emmelemm

      Sounds about right.

    • foxpuppet

      The problem is that their Obama look-alike is Asian, so nobody will get the joke.

    • timbo71351

      God, that sounds awful and something only a giant racist asshole would find funny.

      So I'm sure that's what will happen.

  • BornInATrailer

    Maybe he'll finally show everyone his matching merkin.

  • Goonemeritus

    He’s cashing out and moving to France where they appreciate is genius. We won’t have Donald to kick around anymore!

  • StarsUponThars

    "Those of you in the first row may want to back up about six inches."

  • Callyson

    Today I am working on my 'big surprise' for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.

    He's going to show his real hair?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Probably declaring his running mate to be Sarah Palin.

    • Fare la Volpe

      For the office of President of Television!

  • IncenseDebate

    If it's like the surprise in the Crying Game then keep it in your pants, Donald.

  • MissTaken

    The launch of Trump Douche?

    • I thought that was his father's big surprise when he got Trump's mother knocked up.

    • IonaTrailer

      Trump wart remover

    • SorosBot

      Isn't Trump Douche redundant?

  • He's not invited but he's gonna show up and blather like a dumbass motherfucker anyway because he's convinced himself that the GOP would benefit from his wisdom and experience?

  • BloviateMe

    He's going to replace the confetti/ballon drop with poor people.

    • anniegetyerfun

      HA! This one is my favorite.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    He's going to tell us what species that thing on his head is?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Yeti sperm.

  • LibertyLover

    "Everybody stand back while I whip this thing out."

    • Fare la Volpe

      "Ya gotta get close to see it."

  • sewollef

    Look, I love surprises like the best of 'em, but dear lord, "Everyone will love it."

    Really, Donnie? Are you sure?

  • Weenus299

    Donald is Kenyan.

  • Extemporanus
    • emmelemm

      That's AH-DORABLE!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a mass murder/suicide. Yeah, I said it.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Don't skullfuck anyone, and it'll be okay.

  • I once released my "big surprise" at a park, and ended up spending 48 hours in jail.

    • emmelemm

      That sex offender registry's a bitch, ain't it?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Honestly, it's the violent prison rape I could do without.

      • I look at it as a way to meet new and interesting people with a common background. And Priest.

    • Negropolis

      Anderson Cooper? Oh, you said a "surprise."

  • You know who else released a big surprise on the world?

    • GlowneyHouse

      Harry Truman?

      • Steverino247

        Trinity Site Libel!!!!

    • Beowoof

      Ron Jeremy

    • LibertyLover

      Sarah Palin?

    • Aaron Sorkin?

    • SorosBot

      The makers of The Crying Game?

    • IonaTrailer
    • fartknocker

      George Bush wearing a cod piece and military flight suit on a aircraft carrier with a sign stating "Mission Accomplished?"

    • HistoriCat

      George Lucas in The Empire Strikes Back?

    • That guy who made the Kony video?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Unless it involves Donald sticking his head up a blue whale's ass, I do not care.

    • finallyhappy

      What did a Whale ever do to you to wish this? Now if Trump dives into the ocean with killer whales- ok!

  • SmutBoffin

    His transformation into his true form: that of a giant Slor!

    • GhostBuggy

      Many Kenyans and Socialist Nazis knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of Trump that day, I can tell you, also.

  • belmontreport

    Come on, we all know that he's just going to announce the newest season of The Apprentice.

    • Beowoof

      And with it, he will continue to get paid so he has something to live on.

    • Wait you mean that after the election he will announce that win or lose, RMoney and Ryan will join Sarah, Cheney, Dubya, Michelle Bachmann and Santorum as then new cast of "The Political Apprentice"?

      • belmontreport

        A girl can dream, right?

  • ElPinche

    Expose his hairy back mutant Kunto as the mastermind of his career as a con artist.

  • Living in Joy

    He'll finally give his response to Obama's comments during the Correspondent's Dinner (aka Washington lovefest).

  • smashedinhat

    Trumps big surprise is that all the birds sucked into the massive engines of his Boeing 757 are used as mulch for the fairways of his Scottish golf course, only because he ran out of little children mulch, being hard to come by with the potato famine and all.

  • Ayn_Ryan

    I can only assume that it involves the Joker's museum death gas from Tim Burton's "Batman" and gas masks for all the classy broads.

  • el_donaldo

    Not sure what it is, but anything big that my namesake could deliver would only reveal the contemporary GOP to be a complete and utter joke of a party – so no surprise at all.

  • Callyson

    Today I am working on my 'big surprise' for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.

    Oh, never mind the hair–please let the big surprise be a convention floor challenge to Mittens. He's right–everyone *would* love that…

  • kittensdontlie

    'Bama and Biden are not only running mates, their soul mates…yea, gay married.

  • AddHomonym

    He's the Batman?

    • Batshit.

    • mr bojangles

      Yes, i m ironman!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Donald Trump is proof God exists and she is spiteful.

  • Y'all just ain't got no sense of sportingness. Only 11% voting for pregnant? C'MON, that would be the biggest surprise of all!

    • HistoriCat

      Some thoughts are simply too terrible to contemplate.

  • rocktonsam

    I'm surprised Mittens invited that asshole to the convention anyway.

    • TheGyrus

      You are surprised an asshole invited an asshole to an asshole convention?

  • Ruhe

    When Freud was describing the typical indicators of transference didn't he specifically mention that the patient might begin talking about a "present, a surprise" that he was preparing for the therapist? Is it possible that the Donald thinks we have some sort of personal relationship with him?

  • Estproph

    He's going to jump out of a cake wearing spinners and a g-string.

    • ElPinche

      The real surprise will be millions of viewers vomiting in unison.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        "The real surprise will be millions of all thirty-seven viewers vomiting in unison." Fixed.

  • ElPinche

    (repeated comment from earlier)

  • TheGyrus

    Free hookers on The Donald's tab!

    • emmelemm

      Surprise: They're dead!

  • 20 bucks says its his mangina

  • Like everyone else he's tried to "surprise" we will all conclude it's not big at all.

  • GhostBuggy

    Trump will appear on stage in a classic devil costume; drink a concoction of gasoline, nitroglycerin, gunpowder and uranium 238; and then explode. It's a doozy of a trick, but he can only do it once!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Big surprise huh. Well, in that case, it's not his wang.

  • JCE1985

    Is it going to be that he's the biggest man in the world? And he's covered in gold?

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Well, that kind of talk worked out really well for Andrew Breitbart.

  • majicunderwear

    Trump's going to be leaving the equivalent of a giant Cleveland Steamer on Romney's chest in front of the the assembled convention. Quelle surprise!!

  • SorosBot

    After their fall appearances on Dancing with the "Stars" and "Stars" Earn Stripes, professional reality famewhores Todd and Bristol Palin will be on the next "Celebrity" Apprentice?

    • insidebeltway

      This actually seems likely.

  • LibertyLover

    Great. He's probably found Capone's vault.

  • IonaTrailer

    Every titty bar in Tampa is rejoicing over the RNC

  • Generation[redacted]

    Shut the fuck up, Donnie. You're out of your element.

    • viennawoods13

      But the rug really ties the…. no, that rug of his doesn't tie anything together, does it.

  • widestanceromance

    I just saw Elton John's bare-naked ass at dlisted, so do not have the stomach for this one, guys.

  • BlueStateLibel

    His amazing new Web site,, where you can purchase gaudy chandeliers, goldplated bathroom fixtures, $50 steaks, etc.

  • StealthMuslin

    "Look at me, Damien! It's all for you!" (steps off the roof)

    • Negropolis


  • Toomush_Infer

    He's going Commando!….

  • The surprise:

    The Donald is not real, he is a creation of "The Yes Men." An elaborate prank to show the avarice, racism and rank stupidity of the "elites" we all serve.


  • Ayn_Ryan

    Three more guesses:

    1. It really was a mandate all along!
    2. A tattoo over his heart that says "Breitbart is here".
    3. He's spent all of his fortune reanimating the corpse of Andrew Breitbart into an ungodly monster that throws little girls into lakes and blames it on the Occupy movement.

  • foxpuppet

    "Domestic snake oil will reduce our dependency on foreign imports!"

  • smitallica

    this tweet is the rich grown-up douche laughing-stock equivalent of a toddler's "Mommy! Mommy! Watch me dive! MOMMY! YOU'RE NOT WATCHING!! WATCH ME!!!"

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Trump always impressed me as the kind of guy who would say "I've got a surprise for ya!" followed by the phrase, "Pull my finger."

  • Slim_Pickins

    He's going to fire Mitt and Paul are run for both offices, himself. Then he'll have a Presidential TV show "Celebrity VEEP" to fill the vacancy.

  • Limeylizzie

    MrLimeylizzie just suggested, over tuna and Kale salad on the deck, that he will paint an elephant gold and have it bedazzled in the parking lot and then it will die. That is all.

    • emmelemm

      No arugula?

      • Limeylizzie

        No, but I am drinking the world's nelliest sparkling water “Cascade Ice, Organic Lemon Zest Flavour”, hey come on I'm in Hollywood after all!

    • Extemporanus

      Way to blow Banksy's cover, MrLimeylizzie…

  • beezie687

    He will be captured by the Scooby gang, and they will at long last rip that redonkulous wig off of his head. He would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

  • fartknocker

    He's going to endorse Ron Paul?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Cleaning up Trumps fool's-gold encrusted turd from the stage oughta create a few jobs.

  • Poindexter718

    Da Donald's gonna leave a deuce on the dais right before Anne Romney speaks.

  • barto

    He's going to STFU! Audience will be absolutely stunned!

  • Eve8Apples

    "Everyone will love it."

    Handing out free autographed pictures of himself, free autographed DVDs of his crappy show and free autographed books he claimed he authored because only Donald thinks everyone loves Donald.

  • MonkeyMotion

    He's crowning himself King (a la Napoleon), so run along now Mittens!

  • marconidarwin

    Wait, he said Big Surprise! This can only mean that he is going to gay marry Herman Cain or Rick Santorum.

  • An_Outhouse

    Will Guinness Book of World Records be there to document Donald's giant dump?

  • god almighty i would be so embarrassed to claim any affiliation with this party. i mean seriously, trump, bachmann, perry, newt gingrich, herman cain, paul pere et fils, walsh, barton, issa, king, gohmert, brewer, joe the plumber, our lady of grifting, that one witch, the entire states of FL, MS and TX and etc.

    the closest thing we have is what? a couple of hetero sex scandals, john kerry on a boat, a renewable energy scandal and dennis kucinich.

    how is this even a contest?

  • bibliotequetress

    He is secretly on David Axelrod's payroll?

  • WhatTheHeck

    In the voting box, there was not a “Don’t Know” button.
    I want to be a “Don’t Know/Don’t Care” respondent to anything Donald.

  • bibliotequetress

    Donald Trump can only do eight things that "everyone will love." Four involve his hair. One involves supergluing himself to a chair and giving his ex-wives stun guns. Another includes Donald making up with all the Jersey carpenters screwed by Trump Inc declaring bankruptcy by giving them free Miss Universe also-rans as au pairs. The last two are too secret to mention…

  • Pull my finger!

  • DahBoner

    Will it be HUGE?

  • BZ1

    The Donald will reveal … (oh, WTF, who cares)

  • DemonicRage

    He's going to repeat his own candid confession that he finds his own daughter so hot that he'd do her, himself. Family values!

  • Guppy

    You ask us about what kind of surprise to expect, and you don't have an option for "ass-fucking?"

  • insidebeltway

    Famiglia pizza for all. (At a slightly discounted price).

  • AncienReggie

    Trumpo could really surprise everybody by not being a total putz. Of course then we'd know he hired a stand-in.

  • labman57

    Is he going to feed the ferret living on his head?

  • Glitterbomb?

  • Scarletyoshi

    Surprise, Surprise, right in our eyes.

  • Misty Malarky

    A Meatloaf/Gary Busey ticket for 2016?

  • valgal2342

    "Everyone will love it"….we always do Donald, we always do.

  • ttommyunger

    …and it will be HUGE! Much like the dump I took this morning, but not as pleasing to the eye.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    I got 50 bucks on magnetic, gold plate, cz encrusted, Obama nose bones. It's the only thing classless enough to make sense.

  • Negropolis

    Oh god, you reminded me on the ending to Lost, which left me angry and in tears and thankful and confused.

  • Negropolis

    The surprise is that he will fire Romney for the nomination and give it to Omarosa.

  • hippie13

    Why am I picturing the Jack Donehy (30 Rock) non 4th of July surprise Fireworks special/terrorist attack?

  • billy_reuben

    He's going to do an R. Budd Dwyer impression?

  • elgin_pelican

    A stunning NEW LINE of evening wear! It's true!

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