Donald Trump To Unleash ‘Big Surprise’ On Republican National Convention

  i love surprises

That is the promise of Donald Trump, who is among the most prominent delusional psychopaths participating in the RNC this year (but certainly not the only one!). Although he did once promise us the results of his Hawaiian investigation into Barack Obama’s birth certificate, that can’t be the surprise, because we all know Obama is lying about that anyway. It would be like someone surprising you with the cake you were already eating.

Your Wonkette wants to bring together the combined brainpower of the Wonketariat to figure out what this surprise is and spoil it for all of the RNC-goers. It’s okay; they will be too bloated and tired off of four days of Chick-fil-A to even care.

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Hola wonkerados.

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188 comments

    1. Generation[redacted]

      He lets his rug run free on the convention floor, and then…

      Release the Roomba!

  1. elviouslyqueer

    Oooh! Ooooh! *raises hand a la the recently departed Arnold Horshack*

    The Donald is going to reveal, at long last, that he really is Ann Coulter in bad man drag.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Same here. The guy who played Epstein also died this year. Both were in their sixties, taught acting in high schools, and died of heart attacks. I guess the take-away is "don't teach acting in high school."

  2. noodlesalad

    He and Sheldon have chipped in and bought the election for Mittens, rendering the rest of the campaign unnecessary.

  3. BornInATrailer

    Won't they be disappointed when they find out "big surprise" is what he's named his dick.

  4. Buzz Feedback

    WWE's Vince McMahon is his lover and they are going to be gay married in a Massachusetts factory built by Elizabeth "Hiawatha" Warren.

    1. One_who_wanders

      Coffee almost came out of my nose on this one. I regret that I have but one thumbs up for you.

  5. johnnyzhivago

    Here it is:

    What it's going to be is a taped segment, with an Obama look a like sitting in his "boardroom" and Trump is going to fire him.

    Cue the gaffaws and laughs and racist epitaphs from the crowd as they collectively start choking on their chicken.

    Trump briefly walks on stage for about 30 seconds of cheers and then is guided off, under strict orders not to say anything or he won't be paid for his appearance.

    1. johnnyzhivago

      And by the way, because of the racial overtones it will go over like a lead balloon in most of the country and instead of talking about Romney, everyone will talk about what a jackass Trump is (although he won't care, his job is getting publicity, not helping Romney). GOP officials will cringe, wondering why they let this happen.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        But Romney won't be able to distance himself from the comments, simply because he isn't good at disowning anything that he didn't say himself.

    2. timbo71351

      God, that sounds awful and something only a giant racist asshole would find funny.

      So I'm sure that's what will happen.

  6. Goonemeritus

    He’s cashing out and moving to France where they appreciate is genius. We won’t have Donald to kick around anymore!

  7. Callyson

    Today I am working on my 'big surprise' for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.

    He's going to show his real hair?

  8. SayItWithWookies

    He's not invited but he's gonna show up and blather like a dumbass motherfucker anyway because he's convinced himself that the GOP would benefit from his wisdom and experience?

  9. sewollef

    Look, I love surprises like the best of 'em, but dear lord, "Everyone will love it."

    Really, Donnie? Are you sure?

    1. fartknocker

      George Bush wearing a cod piece and military flight suit on a aircraft carrier with a sign stating "Mission Accomplished?"

    1. finallyhappy

      What did a Whale ever do to you to wish this? Now if Trump dives into the ocean with killer whales- ok!

    1. GhostBuggy

      Many Kenyans and Socialist Nazis knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of Trump that day, I can tell you, also.

  10. belmontreport

    Come on, we all know that he's just going to announce the newest season of The Apprentice.

    1. outragedcitizen

      Wait you mean that after the election he will announce that win or lose, RMoney and Ryan will join Sarah, Cheney, Dubya, Michelle Bachmann and Santorum as then new cast of "The Political Apprentice"?

  11. Living in Joy

    He'll finally give his response to Obama's comments during the Correspondent's Dinner (aka Washington lovefest).

  12. smashedinhat

    Trumps big surprise is that all the birds sucked into the massive engines of his Boeing 757 are used as mulch for the fairways of his Scottish golf course, only because he ran out of little children mulch, being hard to come by with the potato famine and all.

  13. Ayn_Ryan

    I can only assume that it involves the Joker's museum death gas from Tim Burton's "Batman" and gas masks for all the classy broads.

  14. el_donaldo

    Not sure what it is, but anything big that my namesake could deliver would only reveal the contemporary GOP to be a complete and utter joke of a party – so no surprise at all.

  15. Callyson

    Today I am working on my 'big surprise' for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.

    Oh, never mind the hair–please let the big surprise be a convention floor challenge to Mittens. He's right–everyone *would* love that…

  16. Ruhe

    When Freud was describing the typical indicators of transference didn't he specifically mention that the patient might begin talking about a "present, a surprise" that he was preparing for the therapist? Is it possible that the Donald thinks we have some sort of personal relationship with him?

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        "The real surprise will be millions of all thirty-seven viewers vomiting in unison." Fixed.

  17. GhostBuggy

    Trump will appear on stage in a classic devil costume; drink a concoction of gasoline, nitroglycerin, gunpowder and uranium 238; and then explode. It's a doozy of a trick, but he can only do it once!

  18. majicunderwear

    Trump's going to be leaving the equivalent of a giant Cleveland Steamer on Romney's chest in front of the the assembled convention. Quelle surprise!!

  19. SorosBot

    After their fall appearances on Dancing with the "Stars" and "Stars" Earn Stripes, professional reality famewhores Todd and Bristol Palin will be on the next "Celebrity" Apprentice?

    1. viennawoods13

      But the rug really ties the…. no, that rug of his doesn't tie anything together, does it.

  20. widestanceromance

    I just saw Elton John's bare-naked ass at dlisted, so do not have the stomach for this one, guys.

  21. BlueStateLibel

    His amazing new Web site, Shortfingeredvulgarity.com, where you can purchase gaudy chandeliers, goldplated bathroom fixtures, $50 steaks, etc.

  22. iburl

    The surprise:

    The Donald is not real, he is a creation of "The Yes Men." An elaborate prank to show the avarice, racism and rank stupidity of the "elites" we all serve.

    GOTCHA!

  23. Ayn_Ryan

    Three more guesses:

    1. It really was a mandate all along!
    2. A tattoo over his heart that says "Breitbart is here".
    3. He's spent all of his fortune reanimating the corpse of Andrew Breitbart into an ungodly monster that throws little girls into lakes and blames it on the Occupy movement.

  24. smitallica

    this tweet is the rich grown-up douche laughing-stock equivalent of a toddler's "Mommy! Mommy! Watch me dive! MOMMY! YOU'RE NOT WATCHING!! WATCH ME!!!"

  25. randcoolcatdaddy

    Trump always impressed me as the kind of guy who would say "I've got a surprise for ya!" followed by the phrase, "Pull my finger."

  26. Slim_Pickins

    He's going to fire Mitt and Paul are run for both offices, himself. Then he'll have a Presidential TV show "Celebrity VEEP" to fill the vacancy.

  27. Limeylizzie

    MrLimeylizzie just suggested, over tuna and Kale salad on the deck, that he will paint an elephant gold and have it bedazzled in the parking lot and then it will die. That is all.

      1. Limeylizzie

        No, but I am drinking the world's nelliest sparkling water “Cascade Ice, Organic Lemon Zest Flavour”, hey come on I'm in Hollywood after all!

  28. beezie687

    He will be captured by the Scooby gang, and they will at long last rip that redonkulous wig off of his head. He would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

  29. Mittens Howell, III

    Cleaning up Trumps fool's-gold encrusted turd from the stage oughta create a few jobs.

  30. Eve8Apples

    "Everyone will love it."

    Handing out free autographed pictures of himself, free autographed DVDs of his crappy show and free autographed books he claimed he authored because only Donald thinks everyone loves Donald.

  31. marconidarwin

    Wait, he said Big Surprise! This can only mean that he is going to gay marry Herman Cain or Rick Santorum.

  32. fuflans

    god almighty i would be so embarrassed to claim any affiliation with this party. i mean seriously, trump, bachmann, perry, newt gingrich, herman cain, paul pere et fils, walsh, barton, issa, king, gohmert, brewer, joe the plumber, our lady of grifting, that one witch, the entire states of FL, MS and TX and etc.

    the closest thing we have is what? a couple of hetero sex scandals, john kerry on a boat, a renewable energy scandal and dennis kucinich.

    how is this even a contest?

  33. WhatTheHeck

    In the voting box, there was not a “Don’t Know” button.
    I want to be a “Don’t Know/Don’t Care” respondent to anything Donald.

  34. bibliotequetress

    Donald Trump can only do eight things that "everyone will love." Four involve his hair. One involves supergluing himself to a chair and giving his ex-wives stun guns. Another includes Donald making up with all the Jersey carpenters screwed by Trump Inc declaring bankruptcy by giving them free Miss Universe also-rans as au pairs. The last two are too secret to mention…

  35. DemonicRage

    He's going to repeat his own candid confession that he finds his own daughter so hot that he'd do her, himself. Family values!

  36. Guppy

    You ask us about what kind of surprise to expect, and you don't have an option for "ass-fucking?"

  37. AncienReggie

    Trumpo could really surprise everybody by not being a total putz. Of course then we'd know he hired a stand-in.

  38. ttommyunger

    …and it will be HUGE! Much like the dump I took this morning, but not as pleasing to the eye.

  39. Kidneys4Sale

    I got 50 bucks on magnetic, gold plate, cz encrusted, Obama nose bones. It's the only thing classless enough to make sense.

  40. Negropolis

    Oh god, you reminded me on the ending to Lost, which left me angry and in tears and thankful and confused.

  41. hippie13

    Why am I picturing the Jack Donehy (30 Rock) non 4th of July surprise Fireworks special/terrorist attack?

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