DON'T HAVE A COW  3:30 pm August 13, 2012

GOP: Barack Obama’s Command Over The Weather Means We Will Pay More For Cedar Cheese And Those Cakes We Like

by Kris E. Benson

Real Americans smoke two packs of cigs a peaceRemember “Julia,” the main character in an Obama campaign website who goes through her childhood and adolescence suckling off the government teat before becoming a web designer and taking birth control pills? Well, now she is back, courtesy of a GOP Political Action Committee, and her grocery bill is TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. This is because 1) she seems to be buying enough groceries to assemble an entire cow, from scratch and 2) because Obama is in charge of the weather AND the free market and has used his magical weather powers to cause this summer’s drought and the subsequent rise in food prices. But for the purposes of critical analysis, here is her shopping list. We are saddened to report that she is not planning on picking up any cedar cheese. Or those cakes we like. We’ll get over it though, with effort.

On the bright side, she can maybe make those cakes we like, using the white flour and the 33 80-oz packages of white sugar. Or console herself by starting Atkins and kicking it off with a veritable feast of ground beef, all uncooked beef steaks, sliced bacon, chicken legs, ground chuck beef, turkey, boneless ham, all pork chops, and boneless chuck roast.

These high food prices are a direct result of Obama's control over the weather. Will YOU stand for it come November?

At least Obamacare will cover Julia’s adult-onset diabetes, so there is always that.

[GOP.com]

 

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{ 304 comments }

DrunkIrishman August 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

HOW MUCH ROAST DOES A WOMAN NEED?

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Where's the beef?

Answer: In this woman's FRIDGE!

zippy_w_pinhead August 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm

about as much as a woodchuck can chuck, I imagine…

Callyson August 13, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Great, now I'm craving beef. Off to take a quick masturbation break…

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Girl?

Callyson August 13, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Ah, that was quite the refreshing break for this girl…

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:47 pm

First I ever heard of no *girls* masturbating to no beef.

MissTaken August 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm

All of them, Katie?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 14, 2012 at 7:21 am

So it would seem: "All uncooked other beef". "All sizes of white sugar".

WTF kind of "grocery list" is this?

kakotechnia August 13, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Because, really, who doesn't buy three different kinds of ground beef at once?

emmelemm August 13, 2012 at 8:09 pm

HOW MUCH YA GOT?

jjdaddyo August 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Now he's all up in our weather!
I wish I could photoshop a Thor helmet onto a picture of Obammerz.

el_donaldo August 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

high speed cerail!

orygoon August 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm

The cerail of champions!

Veritas78 August 13, 2012 at 9:40 pm

That's just for you and the kids. The rest is all for me.

Negropolis August 14, 2012 at 1:44 am

Joe Biden-approved. Choo! Choo! Oh, I meant Chew! Chew!

Oblios_Cap August 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Julia doesn't eat Hamburger Helper?

I smell a "mus-turd".

Trannysurprise August 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I don't know why they call it hamburger helper. It does just fine all by itself.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 3:53 pm

It certainly doesn't *help* anything.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Notice that she has 2 bacon. 'Cause Baconzgood!

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Hey, that's my line! I mean, your name. Oh, never mind.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I had to get it up there quick for the up fists. I rarely get to make a pun about my avatar.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I so enjoy ribbing you. So, when do we get the cute little piggy back?

M. Bouffant August 13, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Ribs!

Isyaignert August 14, 2012 at 3:52 am

Yes it is!! I just took out a pack of 12 slices we got from the local rancher. We're making blueberry pancakes and bacon for breakfast tomorrow. Be here at 9:00 everybody.

mavenmaven August 13, 2012 at 3:36 pm

The GOP didn't bill for the "kool-aid"?

zippy_w_pinhead August 13, 2012 at 4:16 pm

sounds socialist to me…

BloviateMe August 13, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Since Obama, I have to pee more often. She's right, Obama's such a fucker.

Gratuitous World August 13, 2012 at 3:36 pm

This is just an excerpt from Callista Gingrich's new children's book, "Where's Vegetable?"

sharethegrief August 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

He's checking her medical records.

RRoccoco August 13, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Is this a shopping list or a suicide note?

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Yes.

chicken_thief August 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Hey. They got the tamatoes apples and bannas and grapes on the list. And some of them are actually words! Ooh, ooh! And taco salad – 'cause anything with "salad" in the name is healthy as shit for you.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

The latter, obvz. Unless you're a Mormon with umpteen children, there's no way you can eat everything on that list within a week without lapsing into a coma.

StarsUponThars August 13, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Mmmmm, spegiti and Coolaid!

Oblios_Cap August 13, 2012 at 3:37 pm

You spell "patatos", I spell "potatoes"…

It's like these action committee folks have never heard of "inflation", either.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I can't believe that fucking list! Who eats like that? Does "Julia" have a herd of man-trolls with gaping pieholes? I could feed a family of six on that, and I'd still have to throw out some of the meat and replace it with vegetables.

shelwood46 August 13, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Look, the President just promised Iowa farmers that he'd buy $170 million of meat. Clearly he's too busy to go to the store himself, so he is sending Julia. It's gonna take her a few trips because she can only fit so much in her Prius.

YouBetcha August 13, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Don't fret, teabaggers. You'll still be able to cash your Medicare vouchers for any item from the McDonald's Value Menu when the darkie gets a second term.

HamsterSandwich August 13, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Under Vice-President Paul Ryan's plan it would be Medicare "Medical Stamps", not vouchers. Medicare "Medical Stamps", please pass this term and expression on to all of your over-60 friends and family. Make sure your "crazy" aunt gets this and tell her to pass it on to 10 of her friends within two days or something unlucky will happen to her cat. It works every time!

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Oh, I *like* that idea! Thank you.

Jus_Wonderin August 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I wish I was crafty enough to write (in Wingnut) one of the classic "Obama is going to…………." emails, full of color and ALLCAPS and then….have it all be what Ryan is going to do to the country.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Do it! DO EEET!

Hey! Maybe *I* should do it!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 14, 2012 at 7:29 am

Why bother? Nobody will notice that it's any different from all the other wingnut Obummer chain mails.

Slightly OT: got a wingnut friend who was raving about what a brilliant choice Ryan was. I emailed him back: "The fact that you like it shows that it was a bad move." I doubt he'll catch on to the truth of the statement.

starfanglednut August 14, 2012 at 9:11 am

You need better friends

DerrickWildcat August 13, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Why are things more expensive now than they were 4 years ago?
I do not know!

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

It may have something to do with the fact that things were cheaper 4 years ago.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm

It's the birds, I tells ya!

Our hummingbirds have taken to buzzing me daily. It's a contest with them now to see who's bravest, or something. Not easy to photograph, tho! They can see the slightest movement!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 14, 2012 at 7:32 am

A hummingbird once went after my sister's big red earrings. The little sucker was persistent, which made for much hilarity.

MittBorg August 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

That must have been worth watching! One followed me around the garden for about an hour once because I was wearing a shirt with a floral print. I think they see red, and they don't care who it's on, they assume there's nectar there. Then they fly up next to your face looking very annoyed and buzzing their tiny wings and tails. They're incredibly aggressive for such tiny little guys, and will chase bigger birds away from the feeders.

AutomaticPilot August 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm

The tide comes in; the tide goes out. Who can explain it?

joshleefolsom August 13, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Nothing like a grapefruit to wash down my barrel of sugar and meat!

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Jesus, yeah, I'm feeling diabetic just looking at that thing. One vegetable, lots of meat, and white flour.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 14, 2012 at 7:33 am

And white sugar (all sizes!)

MittBorg August 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm

*faints*
*lapses into diabetic coma*

Why "all sizes"? I'm still trying to figure that out. Did she have to buy a Family-Sized Barrel for the monster in the basement, individual packets for the children to suck on, and pound-boxes for the family larder? And "larder" is becoming *so* appropriate as a description.

Limeylizzie August 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Negroidals rool the weather!

NorthStarSpanx August 13, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Well, you know it got serious when Boehner says Obama has to take responsibility for the drought – you know, as I'm sure he did with Perry last summer.

Negropolis August 14, 2012 at 1:47 am

And here I was thinkin' the Injuns rule the weather. I've had the power all along!

smokefilledroommate August 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm

All pork chops? Like in the entire store?

Biff August 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Is your name Katy?

not that Dewey August 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

No wonder it's expensive.

GunToting[Redacted] August 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Not only that, but All Other Pork is on the list. Must be a bag of mixed parts (ears, snouts, tails).

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Hooves. Guts. Dangly bits.

mayor_quimby August 13, 2012 at 11:17 pm

The dangly bit poppers are just divine.

LionHeartSoyDog August 13, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Note "All Sizes of White Sugar" also.
That is a LOT of sizes.

Limeylizzie August 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm

America WTF?

AlterNewt August 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Concise and perfect.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Don't judge our eating habits!

Limeylizzie August 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I was judging the stupidity of people who do not come to the Wonkette.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm

And this comming from the English.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I know. At least we don't eat "bangers" and "spotted dicks".

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I do like a nice striped dick now and then.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I was going to ask what it might be striped *with,* but then I got all carried away …

orygoon August 13, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Coming from a person of English extraction, that is the ultimate in humiliation.

Negropolis August 14, 2012 at 1:48 am

Lizzie,

Methinks you got your acronyms mixed up. I think you meant "America FTW!".

SheriffRoscoe August 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Feed your kids white bread, folks. Wholesome nutrition in every slice.

OkieDokieDog August 13, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Wonder Bread, it's a wonder it's bread!

*Childhood memory.

smokefilledroommate August 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm

How come Beano isn't on that list?

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Cuz they like entertainin' after dinner?

Dudleydidwrong August 13, 2012 at 5:14 pm

It should be, especially if they live in Mississippi.

mayor_quimby August 13, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Because that person will never shit or fart again, they'll just die and decompose into a tallow candle.

HarryButtle August 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Looking at that handwritten list, I can see plenty of places for "Julie" to cut back. Like, if she's getting "stuf to make speggti" why is she buying "spegtti and meatballs"?

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Also, too, how many kinds of beef can you eat in a week? Bitch has a whole fucking cow on that list.

Veritas78 August 13, 2012 at 9:48 pm

There difrent.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Truely?

elviouslyqueer August 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I call such bullshit. A true Obama creation would be eating tofu, arugula, raw sugar, rice flour, and gluten-free bread.

gogogodzilla August 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

And aborted fetusburgers.

finallyhappy August 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

sugar- I don't think so- local honey and we bake our own bread from locally grown and ground wheat.

fartknocker August 13, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Julia's last name is DeWhitt because she only purchases white flour and all white sugar. She also likes some chocolate chips.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm

It's a miracle Julia isn't suffering from permanent fecal impaction, with a diet like THAT.

HistoriCat August 13, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Girlfriend better toss some prunes into the shopping cart next time …

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Hon, she needs to get 'em by the fuckin' crate, if she's eating stuff off *that* list. Prunes with every meal, with a prune juice chaser.

mayor_quimby August 13, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Who buys white sugar other than bakers? (/elitist)

Oblios_Cap August 13, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Julia sure likes meat, but it appears that she doesn't particularly care for the bone.

elviouslyqueer August 13, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Also, ALL HAIL ALL HAM.

smokefilledroommate August 13, 2012 at 3:42 pm

'winnies and hot dog buns' and 'white kasuls' still gets me..

MissTaken August 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I always read it as 'winnies that dog bans' and wonder what the fuck Winnie did to get banned by the dog.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm

That whole damn list holds a speshul place in our hearts.

deanbooth August 13, 2012 at 8:20 pm

I was sad to learn that White Castle is a major anti-Obama contributor. Not that I eat them anymore, but what if I want to?

UW8316154 August 13, 2012 at 10:43 pm

"White Kasul fries only come in one size!!"

Mittens Howell, III August 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

What kind of a grocery list leaves out guns?

Sharkey August 13, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And alcohol?

Veritas78 August 13, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Got the smokes for me and you 2 packs a peace, though.

kittensdontlie August 13, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Don't forget your meth supplies: sudafed, ammonia, & kitty litter.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Wait a sec. It sais "ALL OTHER PORK" first then it lists; sliced bacon, smoked ham, all pork chops, bone in pork chops, boneless pork chops, boneless ham, and all ham.

I don't know about you guys but I wanna move in with this chick. My lil' lady is a vegetarian and totally drops the ball when it comes to buying my pork products.

Goonemeritus August 13, 2012 at 3:48 pm

No shit right, last Sunday I woke up to no bread no eggs no cereal no milk and naturally no bacon. My wife offered me a kelp smoothie.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I don't even like when kelp gets between my toes at the beach.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Go for it, Baconz. Your little lady sounds like a sweetheart, but a man NEEDS his pigmeat. Maybe you can talk them into being sister-wives.

Julia, OTOH, needs an introduction to a fucking vegetable, any vegetable, in a hurry.

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 4:41 pm

She should call Kortney.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Shit that made me guffaw out loud and the cat jumped off in a huff. BRB after mopping up the blood.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 4:55 pm

YES! We can close the internet now.

Biff August 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

But when the same thing(s) happened under the shrub, including gasoline prices rising above $4 a gallon and people couldn't even afford to get to the store to buy shit anyway?

Fucking crickets…

zumpie August 13, 2012 at 8:14 pm

I was thinking that, too. Actually food prices were rising a lot more in 2007/2008. The hotel I worked at had to pay additional gas surcharges from their food vendors—which were passed on the thier customers in higher prices. Prior to the complete financial melt down, it was called "stagflation".

BTW, Julia's grocery bill presumably increased by less than 10% over 4 years, which isn't great, but really isn't all that terrible.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 14, 2012 at 7:37 am

Considering that the list seems designed to capture the items that have increased the most, 10% ain't bad at all.

sudsmckenzie August 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Better start bow hunting Julia.

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 5:02 pm

The village eats like king all winter! Oh, did I read that right?

LocalGirlMakesGoo August 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Why is Julia buying 33 80 ounce packages of white sugar?

Guppy August 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Because she don't want no negroid sugar touching her food.

DaRooster August 13, 2012 at 3:59 pm

She uses it for "cut"

UW8316154 August 13, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Nah, she uses her WIC coupons to get baby formula for that.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Oh, you know that trick too, huh.

sly_3 August 13, 2012 at 5:18 pm

brundlefly needs more sugar!

SayItWithWookies August 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Damn — nobody told me that if I voted for Barack Obama and he got elected, food prices would be higher in four years. The population has probably increased as well. And all the music sounds like noise, and the kids dress like whores. Bring back Ike!

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:06 pm

That's the spirit. We need to go back to the 1850s!

finallyhappy August 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Ike-the man beat up on Tina and you want to bring him back!!!

GunToting[Redacted] August 13, 2012 at 4:44 pm

And Obama has done NOTHING to address the growing threat of kids on my damn lawn.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Or the overhead clouds.

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Sugar AND Kool-aid WTF? Is it just not sweet enough until you add sugar to it?

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Or the 18 different types of ham and beef. Julia's probably the nom du net of some 800-lb housebound teabagger.

finallyhappy August 13, 2012 at 4:33 pm

For a fact- Kool-aid is unsweetened. That is one reason why it makes an excellent dye for wool. It is the only dye I use- and I was thrilled to find that the blue color is back( I am not sure what flavor that is). I do not however drink it or use it without plastic gloves

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Wonkette–come for the snark, leave with interesting tidbits of actual knowledge.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Wow. What widestance said. Thanks for that information! Not that I'll use it, or anything, but, just, wow.

Spurning Beer August 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

It seems that the weather and the world markets have been touched by a Negroidal person.

kittensdontlie August 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Why isn't there sunlight 24 hours a day?! Those 'darkies' can't keep their hands off the sun!!

M. Bouffant August 13, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Or a woman in the hut.

Mittens Howell, III August 13, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Shhh. Mooslim sun god is watching.

Dr_Zoidberg August 13, 2012 at 3:44 pm

DIABEETUS!!

Extemporanus August 13, 2012 at 3:44 pm
DaRooster August 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Aye of Noot…

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Wool of Twat.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Some of my childhood there.

smokefilledroommate August 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I remembered!

sudsmckenzie August 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm

My day at the food bank?

emmelemm August 13, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Love it.

M. Bouffant August 13, 2012 at 5:02 pm

What is the prop list for Last Tango in Paris, Alex?

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Actually, it looks more like a BoM for one of Lady Gaga's outfits.

MacRaith August 13, 2012 at 3:44 pm

You know what else? I'm three and a half years older than I was when Obama took office. Damn you, Obama, for making me get older!

OkieDokieDog August 13, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Is that Chuck "Eat More Meat" Grassley's housekeeper's shopping list?

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I can't believe any human being could eat that without instantly sprouting a giant carcinoma. I mean, I LOVE eating meat, but srsly, the diet represented by that shopping list would kill a human being within a few decades. Or make them very sick indeed.

M. Bouffant August 13, 2012 at 5:03 pm

We are going to live how much longer than a few decades anyway?

CrunchyKnee August 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I tried to make cedar cheese once, but I couldn't find the tree teets to begin with.

SayItWithWookies August 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I can't eat cedar cheese — it gives me the shakes.

GunToting[Redacted] August 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm

*slow clap*

Callyson August 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake. The increase in food prices has nothing to do with Obama and everything to do with weather conditions (i.e., droughts) that are partially driven by–you guessed it!–climate change.

Assholes.

sly_3 August 13, 2012 at 5:22 pm

don't leave out the corporations and the fast food executives who must show massive profits at each board meeting or they'll find themselves selling cable tv door-to-door.

GlowneyHouse August 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

White bread, white sugar, white flour… what are they saying with this list?

smokefilledroommate August 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

It's Darlene McBride's shopping list.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I never saw that before! Thanks!

Negropolis August 14, 2012 at 1:58 am

MADtv was one of my favorite shows ever.

pdiddycornchips August 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I would personally like to drop by and offer Julia a heapin' helpin' of dark brown sugar. One taste and she'll never go back.

UW8316154 August 13, 2012 at 10:54 pm

With some nice red meat to go along with it.

chicken_thief August 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

WTF are "peace" cigs? That ain't that wacky tuhbakky, is it?

AutomaticPilot August 13, 2012 at 5:05 pm

They are cigs from the Reservation – cheaper than brand name.

Canmon August 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Potato chips cost $5.26? Damn you Obama!

On the plus side, it will be a bountiful Thanksgiving if I can get a turkey for $1.56.

IonaTrailer August 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

needz moar home skoolin

BornInATrailer August 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Julia seems to eat a lot of "burger." Clever lesbian joke, GOP!

Biff August 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Now we know why they call it "pink slime", amirite?

shelwood46 August 13, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I did not realize there were so many kinds. But then, I am straight.

Mumbly_Joe August 13, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Look, all the GOP is saying is that Obama, being the Anti-Christ, used his anti-Jesus powers to negate Rick Perry's prayers for rain. That's all!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 3:47 pm

"Other Beef" It's what's for dinner.

DaRooster August 13, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I guess "Sludge" is out…

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:14 pm

*Long* beef. (Leers at BSFD)

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Keep movin. I taste like chicken.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Historicat LIES! I'm NOT a cannibal, dammit.

Just because I'm reading books about it don't mean I'm gonna *do* it …

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 8:25 pm

One must be prepared for all situations . . .

MissTaken August 13, 2012 at 3:48 pm

All Sizes Of White Sugar

None of the negroidal sugar for Julia.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Oh. You'll have the small, then.

DaRooster August 13, 2012 at 3:48 pm

What?! No DOG TREATS?!?
Bitch…

Biff August 13, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Only for BoBama.

UW8316154 August 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm

I love you for that.

DaRooster August 13, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Where's the cigs?

Veritas78 August 13, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Right at the top, before someone tried to balance things by adding some fruit at the top which will definitely rot before whoever wrote this list gets around to eating them.

CommieLibunatic August 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I have no words for this one.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Gross. With that shopping list Julia is going to be needing her Medicare provided hoveround very soon. Seriously, who the fuck eats like that?

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I don't see insulin on the list.

Guppy August 13, 2012 at 4:24 pm

It's a race to see if she'll have her first coronary before her type 2 becomes official.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 3:50 pm

The shopping list is my dog's wet dream.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 3:50 pm

The ketchup to mustard ratio is very ketchup heavy.

CrunchyKnee August 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Nothing says 'merica like ketchup covered winnies and hot dog buns for Jesus.

MissTaken August 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I never thought the Cedar Cheese and 1 Musturd shopping list would be the one that actually made sense.

SorosBot August 13, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Hey, the list shows a well-balanced diet with all four food groups: beef, pork, chicken and chips.

MissTaken August 13, 2012 at 3:58 pm

And the all-important fifth food group – White.

SorosBot August 13, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Mm, I love me that white bread, with all the flavor of air.

emmelemm August 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Man, how I've missed that shopping list.

Cedar cheese for all!

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I find something to love and something to hate every time I see it.

IonaTrailer August 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

The "3 Ketchups" to "1 Mustard" ratio indicates this is not a person of German origin.

SorosBot August 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Yeah, it's not Obama who has been blocking every attempt to do something to cut down on carbon emissions and try and stop the global warming which has caused the Midwestern droughts that made food prices go up.

Guppy August 13, 2012 at 3:53 pm

And the Republican plan for this is what, more corn subsidies?

PuckStopsHere August 13, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Tax relief for Gazillionaires and a permanent end to the Death Tax. Where have u been???

HistoriCat August 13, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Can you throw in a ban on abortions and birth control pills?

YouBetcha August 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Based on that shopping list, I'd say "meat subsidies" is more like it.

Guppy August 13, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Cows gotta eat something.

An_Outhouse August 13, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Lay off the ice cream. Problem solved.

BZ1 August 13, 2012 at 3:54 pm

This is a story?? She couldn't wait for a sale?

MissTaken August 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Wait for a sale? Are you fucking kidding me? When Julia needs her boneless and bone-in chops she needs them THIS INSTANT!

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I don't even know people who *food shop* like that. Most people buy the bulky staples once a month (rice, coffee, tea, sugar, flour); and buy their fresh vegetables and meat maybe two days or three at a time. What kind of people buy this unholy amount of shit in this fashion? Maybe this explains why Republicans and teabaggers are so fucking crazy.

HistoriCat August 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Maybe Julia is just lucky enough to have a huge walk-in freezer. She only buys meat and staples every four years!

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Geez, that's the other thing, innit? Where the HELL would you put all that shit?

MissTaken August 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Julia should really consider adding vegetables to her diet. May help with the IBS caused by 'bone-in chops' and 'boneless chops'.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Cabbage. That's the only green she got. With a diet like that you would think T.P. would be the first thing on the list.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm

*That's* my Baconz! Cuts to the, uh, heart (?) of the matter, puts the *important* things first.

SorosBot August 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

With that diet, I expect she can only take a crap once a week at most.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm

And shits bricks.

Gratuitous World August 13, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Following the GOP's repeal of the 20th century, many of us will be travelling the Oregon Trail just like Julia.

Jerri August 13, 2012 at 5:22 pm

"Julia has died of dysentery."

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I don't believe a word of it. After eating the stuff on that list, she wouldn't be able to crap without mechanical assistance.

Jerri August 13, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Good point. Therefore:

"Julia wishes she had dysentery. For the love of God, why can't she contract this horrible illness and be put out of her misery?!"

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Is it wrong of me to admit that I laughed so hard at that? It's wrong, isn't it?

Negropolis August 14, 2012 at 2:02 am

Nice!

orygoon August 13, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Imagine someone still buying white bread "after Obama". I thought Michelle had us all eating better than that.

Also, buried in the GOP platform they're sneaking in a rutabaga-and-kale tax, for those of us who are trying to be more independent and grow our own. Got to pay for that cap gains zillionaire tax cut, right out of my dirt and hard work.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Has this bitch never heard of Costco?

Calapine August 13, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Julia must have a flesh eating 500 pound monster in the cellar…

Maybe it's the 2016 surprise Republican candidate?

GunToting[Redacted] August 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Chris Christie libel!

zippy_w_pinhead August 13, 2012 at 5:20 pm

it's Paul Ryan's pet, Spot

Biff August 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I pretty much only eat sourdough when I eat bread, and it's mostly white. She could be the one for me!

pdiddycornchips August 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm

"And when we elect Romney/Ryan, all these things will be free and no blah's will ever touch your food again, and jobs will magically appear and the free market will bake us those cakes we like and all the union people will turn into pillars of bath salts". "It's gonna be great!!!"

OurHoboSenator August 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Julia pays a little extra for her groceries to make sure they're bagged by a white person.

elviouslyqueer August 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Wait a second. $5.26 for potato chips? Is Julia buying them by the crate?

bobbert August 13, 2012 at 6:32 pm

And $1.38 for red apples. Around here, that would be red apple.

BlueStateLibel August 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm

If I recall correctly, Julia could stand to lose a few pounds …

Biff August 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm
BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Just yesterday I went to the outdoor produce market down the street from me and bought what had to be 10 pounds of food for less than $10. But then I only bought fruits and veggies, not enough meat to feed a pride of lions.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I LOVE meat and often throw some in my veggies when I'm cooking them, and I live with two other reasonably carnivorous types, and all three of us would have trouble going through that much meat. And yes, no veggies at all. The farts in that house must be horrendous.

PuckStopsHere August 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

You know what's good? Cheesey-Weinies are good. You take hot dogs, slit 'em open and insert cheese (cheddar would be ok, I suppose but we use "MERKIN" for Freedom.) Wrap those bad boys in crescent rolls and oven 'em up at 375 until golden brown. Serve with cole slaw, chips, pork and beans and your best Merlot. Mmmm.

orygoon August 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Up here in the NW, we always opt for the Western Redcedar Cheese.

Sivart_R1 August 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm

your Cheesey-Weinies recipe made me think of 'ol Wide Stance's "Super Tuber":
Ingredients
1 hot dog, cook's choice
1 Idaho baking potato, 7 to 10 ounces
Mustard for dipping, any style
Other condiments as desired such as cheese sauce, sour cream, chili, chives, bacon pieces or black olives.
Wash and dry potato. Rub with shortening or butter. With an apple corer or small knife, core out the potato center (end to end). Push hot dog through the center. Bake until potato is cooked through. http://www.virtualcities.com/ons/id/gov/idgvlc10….

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 4:32 pm

How many times should the hot dog be pushed through the center? I got stuck here when I tried the recipe.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

It all depends on *whose* hot … never mind.

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 5:11 pm

The best part was having the paramedics eat the potato from my d—um, never mind, I'm about to overshare.

Sivart_R1 August 13, 2012 at 10:16 pm

That all depends on how well you've rubbed with shortening or butter…

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

OMG! OMG!

I swear I practically have an organism every time I think about that. I will *never* believe his wife made up that recipe.

beezie687 August 13, 2012 at 4:05 pm

bag of patatoes? alert Dan Quayle!

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Does Mrs. Goonemeritus have you on a diet, darlz? Because MY wife is starting to talk about a "plant-based diet," and it makes me crave a roast lamb leg like there was no tomorrow.

Frankly, if I had to live on a diet of cauliflower curry and rice and beans, I'd be hangin' around Julia's backdoor ALL night long.

Goonemeritus August 13, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Sorry for deleting but it was so close to Baconz comment that I didn’t want to take a chance of our Edrix going all Fareed Zakaria on me.

It’s not that the wife has changed anything but both kids are off to college and they provided a convenient excuse to grill more large recognizable parts of animals when they are home.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Whoa, we're getting busted for plagiarism now? Dang.

We don't grill anymore since partner delights to tell us about the carcinogenic byproducts of grilling. We make up for it by eating spicy curries with lots of beast, though. We have good intentions, and some day (when we damn well have to) we'll all settle down to lettuce for lunch and pears for dinner. Till then, it's meat with the required minimum daily servings of veggies.

UW8316154 August 13, 2012 at 10:51 pm

That sounds a bit dirty to ME, M-B….But yes, nothing like a roast leg of lamb for a nice Sunday evening supper.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 11:10 pm

I'm just a lowly slut, darlz, and not ashamed of it in the slightest. I do love my lambies, in any way shape or form.

Generation[redacted] August 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm

1. Cause global warming with excessive fossil fuel burning
2. Blame Obama for subsequent drought and high food prices
3. Profit!

viennawoods13 August 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Dry rub bbq pork loin at my house tonight. Not that I'm rubbing it in, or anything.

Goonemeritus August 13, 2012 at 7:07 pm

With a heart full of love for my Canadian brother I find myself thinking I hope you choke on it.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Of course you're rubbing it in! I can feel it all the way from over here.

GeorgiaBurning August 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Is Romney going for the vegan vote or something?

RedneckMuslin August 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I'm just glad summer is almost over cuz my butt keeps hurting here at band camp.

Dudleydidwrong August 13, 2012 at 5:26 pm

You shouldn't sit in front of the trombone section.

randcoolcatdaddy August 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm

My God, woman! Eat some frickin' vegetables!

Is this the modified Atkins heart-attack meat and fruit diet or something?

Come here a minute August 13, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I'm extremely sad — I really like "cakes we like" and now I can't afford them.

emmelemm August 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

You'll just have to get some "cakes we hate".

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Aw man, I hate those ones!

GunToting[Redacted] August 13, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Can we compromise and get "cakes we tolerate?"

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Cakes we love only slightly less than we did before?

Comrade Wingtardd August 13, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Try this one, assholes:
rent in 1999, before Bush: $575
rent in 2009, after Bush: $1200

Sharkey August 13, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Is there no seafood available at the market anymore?

imissopus August 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

If the movies have taught me anything, it is that Magical Negroes can cure your urinary tract infection and help with your golf swing, but control the weather? That's just crazy.

joshleefolsom August 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm

That's a trick list, man, no cigarettes and beer! My smokes and brew dropped in price lately, so I'm saving a quarter a pack and 50 cents a six. That Judy broad should smoke and drink and save $338.00 a year like me. FOUR MORE YEARS!

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Hey! I like the way you think!

bikerlaureate August 13, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Represent!

Thumbs-up comment to increase p-points.

Smokes are nature's appetite suppressant. That is all.

Mahousu August 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm

If I can buy all the meat and sugar in the store (never mind the few other things) for $136.49, then I don't see any inflation issue at all.

It is kind of telling, though, that even when cherry-picking (so to speak) the items to rig the comparison, the GOP managed less than a 15% increase over nearly four years. FYI, the actual overall inflation rate 2008-2012 was 6.6%, or only around 1.5% per year.

Mahousu August 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

For comparison, the overall inflation rate for 2000-2004 was 9.7%, and for 2004-2008 was 14%. I think some other guy was president then.

Generation[redacted] August 13, 2012 at 6:26 pm

you mean He Who Shall Not Be Named Nor Speak At The Convention?

Schmegeg August 13, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Seems like a well ordered market is setting prices, blah blah. Point is, Republicans are all atwitter at government regulations, so WTF is Obama supposed to do here that would actually help and not cause agita among the Randians.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Short of publicly slitting his wrists, there is almost nothing the man can do that would *not* cause agita among that bunch of mindless fuckwits.

YouBetcha August 13, 2012 at 4:41 pm

For fuck's sake Julia, eat a goddamn salad once in a while.

TheGyrus August 13, 2012 at 4:46 pm

White bread? Seriously?

Barrelhse August 13, 2012 at 4:59 pm

William Carlos Williams got nothin' on this guy.
I bet he has a Red Wheelbarrow, too.

zippy_w_pinhead August 13, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Obama can't be responsible for the drought, because we all know that rainfall is really socialist redistribution of water. If this were a diabolical plan from the Commie in Chief, we'd be experiencing Biblical floods right about now (of the Muslin variety, sorry Noah)

Jerri August 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Whoever came up with that list is either insanely out of touch or terrifyingly in touch with how Real Americans eat.

zippy_w_pinhead August 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Why'd you post a photo of Emo Philips?

beardooooo August 13, 2012 at 5:56 pm

An average of 4.7% inflation each year for three years. Damn you, Obama! Why did you invent inflation! If it weren't for you soda would only cost a nickel!

Generation[redacted] August 13, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Back in 2008 nickels had bumblebees on them. "Give me five bees for a quarter" we'd say…

Naked_Bunny August 13, 2012 at 6:05 pm

So the GOP thinks that Obama should be regulating food prices. Gotcha.

Naked_Bunny August 13, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Or maybe food stamps for everyone. What is their point?

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Apparently, it is a bony growth from the center of their collective skull. Oh, you meant, "Have they gone completely fucking nuts with this shit"? Yeah, pretty much.

EmileZoloft August 13, 2012 at 6:10 pm

In 2008 I had a job and was at least 10 lbs lighter. OBAMAAAAAA!

Thedongsofwar August 13, 2012 at 6:34 pm

So her bill increases by $17.33? That sucks but I mean, come on.

bobbert August 13, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Jeebus. The flunky who cribbed this shit from some CPI-tracking market-basket thing just picked a bunch of lines with relatively high increases, without paying any attention to things like sectional subtotals or quantities or — has been pointed out extensively — any simulation of a real-world shopping list.

What is the point? They cannot seriously think that something this artificial will actually persuade anyone who is currently undecided. I guess it's just filler to remind the base that President Obama is NOT LIKE THEM.

fuflans August 13, 2012 at 8:44 pm

here is what i wrote til i read your posting:

so some asshat just copy / pasted a portion of the CPI listing? they can't even be bothered to clean up categorizations like 'all pork'.

as pathetic at satire as they are at the economy, waging war, diplomacy, foreign policy initiatives, science, emergency response, legislation, adjudication, singing, etc.
_______

cheers!

bikerlaureate August 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm

There's no milk or eggs on the After Obama list.
Isn't that strange?
What are the odds?

Freakin' amazing, how that happened…

littlebigdaddy August 13, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I'm sorry, I am as snarky as the next Wonkster, but I have a very warm place in my heart for these people. The "cakes we like" thing is sort of precious.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 13, 2012 at 7:07 pm

What is Julia doing even buying groceries when she has no face-hole? That's the real story being ignored by the lame-stream media, as usual. WTF happened to Julia's face?

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Well, see, it's that whole Hello-Kitty pomo symbolism thingy, with the tie-in with, you know, Harlan Ellison and the ramifications of that imaginative syfy piece, I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream, and the … (looks around)

Hey where'd everybody go?

zumpie August 13, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Ummm, so a bunch of self proclaimed free market capitalists REALLY don't understand the volatility of the commodities market?

fuflans August 13, 2012 at 8:41 pm

where is the booze entry? i cannot judge obama without the booze entry.

Misty Malarky August 13, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I assume she shops at Trader Joes or World Market, or some other somesuch fancy Negroid-free groceryin' place.

If she'd switch to the Piggly Wiggly she could save some big bucks – maybe enough to spring for 2 musturds.

I feel like Bush, Sr. for asking this but – what the heck is 'All Sizes of White Sugar'?

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 11:14 pm

It's "Negroidal" to you, Missy.

I too would like to know this last thing.

Negropolis August 14, 2012 at 1:49 am

I'm getting constipated just looking at the list. Damn.

ttommyunger August 14, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Not saying the "After Obama" gal is fat, but I'm guessing her weight begins with a "2".

widestanceromance August 13, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Generally, something in season.

Mittens Howell, III August 13, 2012 at 5:28 pm

ribzgood2.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Oh, man. I have a GREAT recipe with jalapenos, cherry preserves, and lemon juice. Mmm. Pig meat.

Baconzgood August 13, 2012 at 5:34 pm

As I say "if I'm holding a fork, I'm munchin' the pork"

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:17 pm

And porking the munchee too, no doubt.

If there is a god and it created any life on this planet, it was probably the tasty, tasty pig.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Ice cream. Honey. Fresh peaches. BRB.

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Oh, no, go right ahead. (cups chin in hands, fascinated)

MittBorg August 13, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Just remember, if it comes to that, don't eat the left knee, it's metal and harder than teeth.

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