don't have a cow

GOP: Barack Obama’s Command Over The Weather Means We Will Pay More For Cedar Cheese And Those Cakes We Like

Real Americans smoke two packs of cigs a peaceRemember “Julia,” the main character in an Obama campaign website who goes through her childhood and adolescence suckling off the government teat before becoming a web designer and taking birth control pills? Well, now she is back, courtesy of a GOP Political Action Committee, and her grocery bill is TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. This is because 1) she seems to be buying enough groceries to assemble an entire cow, from scratch and 2) because Obama is in charge of the weather AND the free market and has used his magical weather powers to cause this summer’s drought and the subsequent rise in food prices. But for the purposes of critical analysis, here is her shopping list. We are saddened to report that she is not planning on picking up any cedar cheese. Or those cakes we like. We’ll get over it though, with effort.

On the bright side, she can maybe make those cakes we like, using the white flour and the 33 80-oz packages of white sugar. Or console herself by starting Atkins and kicking it off with a veritable feast of ground beef, all uncooked beef steaks, sliced bacon, chicken legs, ground chuck beef, turkey, boneless ham, all pork chops, and boneless chuck roast.

These high food prices are a direct result of Obama's control over the weather. Will YOU stand for it come November?

At least Obamacare will cover Julia’s adult-onset diabetes, so there is always that.

[GOP.com]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

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  • DrunkIrishman

    HOW MUCH ROAST DOES A WOMAN NEED?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Where's the beef?

      Answer: In this woman's FRIDGE!

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      about as much as a woodchuck can chuck, I imagine…

    • Callyson

      Great, now I'm craving beef. Off to take a quick masturbation break…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Girl?

        • Callyson

          Ah, that was quite the refreshing break for this girl…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            First I ever heard of no *girls* masturbating to no beef.

    • MissTaken

      All of them, Katie?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        So it would seem: "All uncooked other beef". "All sizes of white sugar".

        WTF kind of "grocery list" is this?

    • kakotechnia

      Because, really, who doesn't buy three different kinds of ground beef at once?

    • emmelemm

      HOW MUCH YA GOT?

  • jjdaddyo

    Now he's all up in our weather!
    I wish I could photoshop a Thor helmet onto a picture of Obammerz.

  • el_donaldo

    high speed cerail!

    • orygoon

      The cerail of champions!

    • Veritas78

      That's just for you and the kids. The rest is all for me.

    • Negropolis

      Joe Biden-approved. Choo! Choo! Oh, I meant Chew! Chew!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Julia doesn't eat Hamburger Helper?

    I smell a "mus-turd".

    • Trannysurprise

      I don't know why they call it hamburger helper. It does just fine all by itself.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        It certainly doesn't *help* anything.

  • Baconzgood

    Notice that she has 2 bacon. 'Cause Baconzgood!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hey, that's my line! I mean, your name. Oh, never mind.

      • Baconzgood

        I had to get it up there quick for the up fists. I rarely get to make a pun about my avatar.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I so enjoy ribbing you. So, when do we get the cute little piggy back?

          • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

            Ribs!

          • Mittens Howell, III

            ribzgood2.

          • Baconzgood

            As I say "if I'm holding a fork, I'm munchin' the pork"

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            And porking the munchee too, no doubt.

            If there is a god and it created any life on this planet, it was probably the tasty, tasty pig.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, man. I have a GREAT recipe with jalapenos, cherry preserves, and lemon juice. Mmm. Pig meat.

    • Isyaignert

      Yes it is!! I just took out a pack of 12 slices we got from the local rancher. We're making blueberry pancakes and bacon for breakfast tomorrow. Be here at 9:00 everybody.

  • mavenmaven

    The GOP didn't bill for the "kool-aid"?

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      sounds socialist to me…

  • BloviateMe

    Since Obama, I have to pee more often. She's right, Obama's such a fucker.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    This is just an excerpt from Callista Gingrich's new children's book, "Where's Vegetable?"

    • sharethegrief

      He's checking her medical records.

  • RRoccoco

    Is this a shopping list or a suicide note?

    • widestanceromance

      Yes.

    • chicken_thief

      Hey. They got the tamatoes apples and bannas and grapes on the list. And some of them are actually words! Ooh, ooh! And taco salad – 'cause anything with "salad" in the name is healthy as shit for you.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      The latter, obvz. Unless you're a Mormon with umpteen children, there's no way you can eat everything on that list within a week without lapsing into a coma.

  • StarsUponThars

    Mmmmm, spegiti and Coolaid!

  • Oblios_Cap

    You spell "patatos", I spell "potatoes"…

    It's like these action committee folks have never heard of "inflation", either.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I can't believe that fucking list! Who eats like that? Does "Julia" have a herd of man-trolls with gaping pieholes? I could feed a family of six on that, and I'd still have to throw out some of the meat and replace it with vegetables.

      • shelwood46

        Look, the President just promised Iowa farmers that he'd buy $170 million of meat. Clearly he's too busy to go to the store himself, so he is sending Julia. It's gonna take her a few trips because she can only fit so much in her Prius.

  • YouBetcha

    Don't fret, teabaggers. You'll still be able to cash your Medicare vouchers for any item from the McDonald's Value Menu when the darkie gets a second term.

    • HamsterSandwich

      Under Vice-President Paul Ryan's plan it would be Medicare "Medical Stamps", not vouchers. Medicare "Medical Stamps", please pass this term and expression on to all of your over-60 friends and family. Make sure your "crazy" aunt gets this and tell her to pass it on to 10 of her friends within two days or something unlucky will happen to her cat. It works every time!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oh, I *like* that idea! Thank you.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I wish I was crafty enough to write (in Wingnut) one of the classic "Obama is going to…………." emails, full of color and ALLCAPS and then….have it all be what Ryan is going to do to the country.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Do it! DO EEET!

          Hey! Maybe *I* should do it!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Why bother? Nobody will notice that it's any different from all the other wingnut Obummer chain mails.

          Slightly OT: got a wingnut friend who was raving about what a brilliant choice Ryan was. I emailed him back: "The fact that you like it shows that it was a bad move." I doubt he'll catch on to the truth of the statement.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            You need better friends

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Why are things more expensive now than they were 4 years ago?
    I do not know!

    • widestanceromance

      It may have something to do with the fact that things were cheaper 4 years ago.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It's the birds, I tells ya!

      Our hummingbirds have taken to buzzing me daily. It's a contest with them now to see who's bravest, or something. Not easy to photograph, tho! They can see the slightest movement!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        A hummingbird once went after my sister's big red earrings. The little sucker was persistent, which made for much hilarity.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          That must have been worth watching! One followed me around the garden for about an hour once because I was wearing a shirt with a floral print. I think they see red, and they don't care who it's on, they assume there's nectar there. Then they fly up next to your face looking very annoyed and buzzing their tiny wings and tails. They're incredibly aggressive for such tiny little guys, and will chase bigger birds away from the feeders.

    • AutomaticPilot

      The tide comes in; the tide goes out. Who can explain it?

  • joshleefolsom

    Nothing like a grapefruit to wash down my barrel of sugar and meat!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Jesus, yeah, I'm feeling diabetic just looking at that thing. One vegetable, lots of meat, and white flour.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And white sugar (all sizes!)

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          *faints*
          *lapses into diabetic coma*

          Why "all sizes"? I'm still trying to figure that out. Did she have to buy a Family-Sized Barrel for the monster in the basement, individual packets for the children to suck on, and pound-boxes for the family larder? And "larder" is becoming *so* appropriate as a description.

  • Limeylizzie

    Negroidals rool the weather!

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Well, you know it got serious when Boehner says Obama has to take responsibility for the drought – you know, as I'm sure he did with Perry last summer.

    • Negropolis

      And here I was thinkin' the Injuns rule the weather. I've had the power all along!

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    All pork chops? Like in the entire store?

    • Biff

      Is your name Katy?

    • not that Dewey

      No wonder it's expensive.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Not only that, but All Other Pork is on the list. Must be a bag of mixed parts (ears, snouts, tails).

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Hooves. Guts. Dangly bits.

        • mayor_quimby

          The dangly bit poppers are just divine.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Note "All Sizes of White Sugar" also.
      That is a LOT of sizes.

  • Limeylizzie

    America WTF?

    • AlterNewt

      Concise and perfect.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Don't judge our eating habits!

      • Limeylizzie

        I was judging the stupidity of people who do not come to the Wonkette.

    • Baconzgood

      And this comming from the English.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I know. At least we don't eat "bangers" and "spotted dicks".

        • widestanceromance

          I do like a nice striped dick now and then.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I was going to ask what it might be striped *with,* but then I got all carried away …

          • widestanceromance

            Generally, something in season.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Ice cream. Honey. Fresh peaches. BRB.

    • orygoon

      Coming from a person of English extraction, that is the ultimate in humiliation.

    • Negropolis

      Lizzie,

      Methinks you got your acronyms mixed up. I think you meant "America FTW!".

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Feed your kids white bread, folks. Wholesome nutrition in every slice.

    • OkieDokieDog

      Wonder Bread, it's a wonder it's bread!

      *Childhood memory.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    How come Beano isn't on that list?

    • widestanceromance

      Cuz they like entertainin' after dinner?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      It should be, especially if they live in Mississippi.

    • mayor_quimby

      Because that person will never shit or fart again, they'll just die and decompose into a tallow candle.

  • HarryButtle

    Looking at that handwritten list, I can see plenty of places for "Julie" to cut back. Like, if she's getting "stuf to make speggti" why is she buying "spegtti and meatballs"?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Also, too, how many kinds of beef can you eat in a week? Bitch has a whole fucking cow on that list.

    • Veritas78

      There difrent.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Truely?

  • elviouslyqueer

    I call such bullshit. A true Obama creation would be eating tofu, arugula, raw sugar, rice flour, and gluten-free bread.

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ gogogodzilla

      And aborted fetusburgers.

    • finallyhappy

      sugar- I don't think so- local honey and we bake our own bread from locally grown and ground wheat.

  • fartknocker

    Julia's last name is DeWhitt because she only purchases white flour and all white sugar. She also likes some chocolate chips.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It's a miracle Julia isn't suffering from permanent fecal impaction, with a diet like THAT.

      • HistoriCat

        Girlfriend better toss some prunes into the shopping cart next time …

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Hon, she needs to get 'em by the fuckin' crate, if she's eating stuff off *that* list. Prunes with every meal, with a prune juice chaser.

    • mayor_quimby

      Who buys white sugar other than bakers? (/elitist)

  • Oblios_Cap

    Julia sure likes meat, but it appears that she doesn't particularly care for the bone.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Also, ALL HAIL ALL HAM.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    'winnies and hot dog buns' and 'white kasuls' still gets me..

    • MissTaken

      I always read it as 'winnies that dog bans' and wonder what the fuck Winnie did to get banned by the dog.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      That whole damn list holds a speshul place in our hearts.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      I was sad to learn that White Castle is a major anti-Obama contributor. Not that I eat them anymore, but what if I want to?

    • UW8316154

      "White Kasul fries only come in one size!!"

  • Mittens Howell, III

    What kind of a grocery list leaves out guns?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      And alcohol?

      • Veritas78

        Got the smokes for me and you 2 packs a peace, though.

    • kittensdontlie

      Don't forget your meth supplies: sudafed, ammonia, & kitty litter.

  • Baconzgood

    Wait a sec. It sais "ALL OTHER PORK" first then it lists; sliced bacon, smoked ham, all pork chops, bone in pork chops, boneless pork chops, boneless ham, and all ham.

    I don't know about you guys but I wanna move in with this chick. My lil' lady is a vegetarian and totally drops the ball when it comes to buying my pork products.

    • Goonemeritus

      No shit right, last Sunday I woke up to no bread no eggs no cereal no milk and naturally no bacon. My wife offered me a kelp smoothie.

      • Baconzgood

        I don't even like when kelp gets between my toes at the beach.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Go for it, Baconz. Your little lady sounds like a sweetheart, but a man NEEDS his pigmeat. Maybe you can talk them into being sister-wives.

      Julia, OTOH, needs an introduction to a fucking vegetable, any vegetable, in a hurry.

      • widestanceromance

        She should call Kortney.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Shit that made me guffaw out loud and the cat jumped off in a huff. BRB after mopping up the blood.

        • Baconzgood

          YES! We can close the internet now.

  • Biff

    But when the same thing(s) happened under the shrub, including gasoline prices rising above $4 a gallon and people couldn't even afford to get to the store to buy shit anyway?

    Fucking crickets…

    • zumpie

      I was thinking that, too. Actually food prices were rising a lot more in 2007/2008. The hotel I worked at had to pay additional gas surcharges from their food vendors—which were passed on the thier customers in higher prices. Prior to the complete financial melt down, it was called "stagflation".

      BTW, Julia's grocery bill presumably increased by less than 10% over 4 years, which isn't great, but really isn't all that terrible.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Considering that the list seems designed to capture the items that have increased the most, 10% ain't bad at all.

  • sudsmckenzie

    Better start bow hunting Julia.

    • widestanceromance

      The village eats like king all winter! Oh, did I read that right?

  • LocalGirlMakesGoo

    Why is Julia buying 33 80 ounce packages of white sugar?

    • Guppy

      Because she don't want no negroid sugar touching her food.

    • DaRooster

      She uses it for "cut"

      • UW8316154

        Nah, she uses her WIC coupons to get baby formula for that.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Oh, you know that trick too, huh.

    • http://www.sly-3.blogspot.com sly_3

      brundlefly needs more sugar!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Damn — nobody told me that if I voted for Barack Obama and he got elected, food prices would be higher in four years. The population has probably increased as well. And all the music sounds like noise, and the kids dress like whores. Bring back Ike!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      That's the spirit. We need to go back to the 1850s!

    • finallyhappy

      Ike-the man beat up on Tina and you want to bring him back!!!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      And Obama has done NOTHING to address the growing threat of kids on my damn lawn.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Or the overhead clouds.

  • widestanceromance

    Sugar AND Kool-aid WTF? Is it just not sweet enough until you add sugar to it?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Or the 18 different types of ham and beef. Julia's probably the nom du net of some 800-lb housebound teabagger.

    • finallyhappy

      For a fact- Kool-aid is unsweetened. That is one reason why it makes an excellent dye for wool. It is the only dye I use- and I was thrilled to find that the blue color is back( I am not sure what flavor that is). I do not however drink it or use it without plastic gloves

      • widestanceromance

        Wonkette–come for the snark, leave with interesting tidbits of actual knowledge.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Wow. What widestance said. Thanks for that information! Not that I'll use it, or anything, but, just, wow.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    It seems that the weather and the world markets have been touched by a Negroidal person.

    • kittensdontlie

      Why isn't there sunlight 24 hours a day?! Those 'darkies' can't keep their hands off the sun!!

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      Or a woman in the hut.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Shhh. Mooslim sun god is watching.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    DIABEETUS!!

  • Extemporanus
    • DaRooster

      Aye of Noot…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Wool of Twat.

    • Baconzgood

      Some of my childhood there.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      I remembered!

    • sudsmckenzie

      My day at the food bank?

    • emmelemm

      Love it.

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      What is the prop list for Last Tango in Paris, Alex?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Actually, it looks more like a BoM for one of Lady Gaga's outfits.

  • MacRaith

    You know what else? I'm three and a half years older than I was when Obama took office. Damn you, Obama, for making me get older!

  • OkieDokieDog

    Is that Chuck "Eat More Meat" Grassley's housekeeper's shopping list?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I can't believe any human being could eat that without instantly sprouting a giant carcinoma. I mean, I LOVE eating meat, but srsly, the diet represented by that shopping list would kill a human being within a few decades. Or make them very sick indeed.

      • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

        We are going to live how much longer than a few decades anyway?

  • CrunchyKnee

    I tried to make cedar cheese once, but I couldn't find the tree teets to begin with.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      I can't eat cedar cheese — it gives me the shakes.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        *slow clap*

  • Callyson

    Oh, for fuck's sake. The increase in food prices has nothing to do with Obama and everything to do with weather conditions (i.e., droughts) that are partially driven by–you guessed it!–climate change.

    Assholes.

    • http://www.sly-3.blogspot.com sly_3

      don't leave out the corporations and the fast food executives who must show massive profits at each board meeting or they'll find themselves selling cable tv door-to-door.

  • GlowneyHouse

    White bread, white sugar, white flour… what are they saying with this list?

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      It's Darlene McBride's shopping list.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I never saw that before! Thanks!

      • Negropolis

        MADtv was one of my favorite shows ever.

    • pdiddycornchips

      I would personally like to drop by and offer Julia a heapin' helpin' of dark brown sugar. One taste and she'll never go back.

      • UW8316154

        With some nice red meat to go along with it.

  • chicken_thief

    WTF are "peace" cigs? That ain't that wacky tuhbakky, is it?

    • AutomaticPilot

      They are cigs from the Reservation – cheaper than brand name.

  • Canmon

    Potato chips cost $5.26? Damn you Obama!

    On the plus side, it will be a bountiful Thanksgiving if I can get a turkey for $1.56.

  • IonaTrailer

    needz moar home skoolin

  • BornInATrailer

    Julia seems to eat a lot of "burger." Clever lesbian joke, GOP!

    • Biff

      Now we know why they call it "pink slime", amirite?

    • shelwood46

      I did not realize there were so many kinds. But then, I am straight.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

    Look, all the GOP is saying is that Obama, being the Anti-Christ, used his anti-Jesus powers to negate Rick Perry's prayers for rain. That's all!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "Other Beef" It's what's for dinner.

    • DaRooster

      I guess "Sludge" is out…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      *Long* beef. (Leers at BSFD)

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Keep movin. I taste like chicken.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Historicat LIES! I'm NOT a cannibal, dammit.

          Just because I'm reading books about it don't mean I'm gonna *do* it …

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            One must be prepared for all situations . . .

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Just remember, if it comes to that, don't eat the left knee, it's metal and harder than teeth.

  • MissTaken

    All Sizes Of White Sugar

    None of the negroidal sugar for Julia.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh. You'll have the small, then.

  • DaRooster

    What?! No DOG TREATS?!?
    Bitch…

    • Biff

      Only for BoBama.

    • UW8316154

      I love you for that.

  • DaRooster

    Where's the cigs?

    • Veritas78

      Right at the top, before someone tried to balance things by adding some fruit at the top which will definitely rot before whoever wrote this list gets around to eating them.

  • CommieLibunatic

    I have no words for this one.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Gross. With that shopping list Julia is going to be needing her Medicare provided hoveround very soon. Seriously, who the fuck eats like that?

  • Baconzgood

    I don't see insulin on the list.

    • Guppy

      It's a race to see if she'll have her first coronary before her type 2 becomes official.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The shopping list is my dog's wet dream.

  • Baconzgood

    The ketchup to mustard ratio is very ketchup heavy.

    • CrunchyKnee

      Nothing says 'merica like ketchup covered winnies and hot dog buns for Jesus.

  • MissTaken

    I never thought the Cedar Cheese and 1 Musturd shopping list would be the one that actually made sense.

    • SorosBot

      Hey, the list shows a well-balanced diet with all four food groups: beef, pork, chicken and chips.

      • MissTaken

        And the all-important fifth food group – White.

        • SorosBot

          Mm, I love me that white bread, with all the flavor of air.

    • emmelemm

      Man, how I've missed that shopping list.

      Cedar cheese for all!

      • widestanceromance

        I find something to love and something to hate every time I see it.

  • IonaTrailer

    The "3 Ketchups" to "1 Mustard" ratio indicates this is not a person of German origin.

  • SorosBot

    Yeah, it's not Obama who has been blocking every attempt to do something to cut down on carbon emissions and try and stop the global warming which has caused the Midwestern droughts that made food prices go up.

  • Guppy

    And the Republican plan for this is what, more corn subsidies?

    • PuckStopsHere

      Tax relief for Gazillionaires and a permanent end to the Death Tax. Where have u been???

      • HistoriCat

        Can you throw in a ban on abortions and birth control pills?

    • YouBetcha

      Based on that shopping list, I'd say "meat subsidies" is more like it.

      • Guppy

        Cows gotta eat something.

  • An_Outhouse

    Lay off the ice cream. Problem solved.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    This is a story?? She couldn't wait for a sale?

    • MissTaken

      Wait for a sale? Are you fucking kidding me? When Julia needs her boneless and bone-in chops she needs them THIS INSTANT!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I don't even know people who *food shop* like that. Most people buy the bulky staples once a month (rice, coffee, tea, sugar, flour); and buy their fresh vegetables and meat maybe two days or three at a time. What kind of people buy this unholy amount of shit in this fashion? Maybe this explains why Republicans and teabaggers are so fucking crazy.

        • HistoriCat

          Maybe Julia is just lucky enough to have a huge walk-in freezer. She only buys meat and staples every four years!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Geez, that's the other thing, innit? Where the HELL would you put all that shit?

  • MissTaken

    Julia should really consider adding vegetables to her diet. May help with the IBS caused by 'bone-in chops' and 'boneless chops'.

    • Baconzgood

      Cabbage. That's the only green she got. With a diet like that you would think T.P. would be the first thing on the list.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        *That's* my Baconz! Cuts to the, uh, heart (?) of the matter, puts the *important* things first.

    • SorosBot

      With that diet, I expect she can only take a crap once a week at most.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        And shits bricks.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Following the GOP's repeal of the 20th century, many of us will be travelling the Oregon Trail just like Julia.

    • Jerri

      "Julia has died of dysentery."

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I don't believe a word of it. After eating the stuff on that list, she wouldn't be able to crap without mechanical assistance.

        • Jerri

          Good point. Therefore:

          "Julia wishes she had dysentery. For the love of God, why can't she contract this horrible illness and be put out of her misery?!"

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Is it wrong of me to admit that I laughed so hard at that? It's wrong, isn't it?

      • Negropolis

        Nice!

  • orygoon

    Imagine someone still buying white bread "after Obama". I thought Michelle had us all eating better than that.

    Also, buried in the GOP platform they're sneaking in a rutabaga-and-kale tax, for those of us who are trying to be more independent and grow our own. Got to pay for that cap gains zillionaire tax cut, right out of my dirt and hard work.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Has this bitch never heard of Costco?

  • Calapine

    Julia must have a flesh eating 500 pound monster in the cellar…

    Maybe it's the 2016 surprise Republican candidate?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Chris Christie libel!

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      it's Paul Ryan's pet, Spot

  • Biff

    I pretty much only eat sourdough when I eat bread, and it's mostly white. She could be the one for me!

  • pdiddycornchips

    "And when we elect Romney/Ryan, all these things will be free and no blah's will ever touch your food again, and jobs will magically appear and the free market will bake us those cakes we like and all the union people will turn into pillars of bath salts". "It's gonna be great!!!"

  • OurHoboSenator

    Julia pays a little extra for her groceries to make sure they're bagged by a white person.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Wait a second. $5.26 for potato chips? Is Julia buying them by the crate?

    • bobbert

      And $1.38 for red apples. Around here, that would be red apple.

  • BlueStateLibel

    If I recall correctly, Julia could stand to lose a few pounds …

  • Biff
  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Just yesterday I went to the outdoor produce market down the street from me and bought what had to be 10 pounds of food for less than $10. But then I only bought fruits and veggies, not enough meat to feed a pride of lions.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I LOVE meat and often throw some in my veggies when I'm cooking them, and I live with two other reasonably carnivorous types, and all three of us would have trouble going through that much meat. And yes, no veggies at all. The farts in that house must be horrendous.

  • PuckStopsHere

    You know what's good? Cheesey-Weinies are good. You take hot dogs, slit 'em open and insert cheese (cheddar would be ok, I suppose but we use "MERKIN" for Freedom.) Wrap those bad boys in crescent rolls and oven 'em up at 375 until golden brown. Serve with cole slaw, chips, pork and beans and your best Merlot. Mmmm.

    • orygoon

      Up here in the NW, we always opt for the Western Redcedar Cheese.

    • Sivart_R1

      your Cheesey-Weinies recipe made me think of 'ol Wide Stance's "Super Tuber":
      Ingredients
      1 hot dog, cook's choice
      1 Idaho baking potato, 7 to 10 ounces
      Mustard for dipping, any style
      Other condiments as desired such as cheese sauce, sour cream, chili, chives, bacon pieces or black olives.
      Wash and dry potato. Rub with shortening or butter. With an apple corer or small knife, core out the potato center (end to end). Push hot dog through the center. Bake until potato is cooked through. http://www.virtualcities.com/ons/id/gov/idgvlc10….

      • widestanceromance

        How many times should the hot dog be pushed through the center? I got stuck here when I tried the recipe.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          It all depends on *whose* hot … never mind.

          • widestanceromance

            The best part was having the paramedics eat the potato from my d—um, never mind, I'm about to overshare.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, no, go right ahead. (cups chin in hands, fascinated)

        • Sivart_R1

          That all depends on how well you've rubbed with shortening or butter…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        OMG! OMG!

        I swear I practically have an organism every time I think about that. I will *never* believe his wife made up that recipe.

  • beezie687

    bag of patatoes? alert Dan Quayle!

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Does Mrs. Goonemeritus have you on a diet, darlz? Because MY wife is starting to talk about a "plant-based diet," and it makes me crave a roast lamb leg like there was no tomorrow.

    Frankly, if I had to live on a diet of cauliflower curry and rice and beans, I'd be hangin' around Julia's backdoor ALL night long.

    • Goonemeritus

      Sorry for deleting but it was so close to Baconz comment that I didn’t want to take a chance of our Edrix going all Fareed Zakaria on me.

      It’s not that the wife has changed anything but both kids are off to college and they provided a convenient excuse to grill more large recognizable parts of animals when they are home.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Whoa, we're getting busted for plagiarism now? Dang.

        We don't grill anymore since partner delights to tell us about the carcinogenic byproducts of grilling. We make up for it by eating spicy curries with lots of beast, though. We have good intentions, and some day (when we damn well have to) we'll all settle down to lettuce for lunch and pears for dinner. Till then, it's meat with the required minimum daily servings of veggies.

    • UW8316154

      That sounds a bit dirty to ME, M-B….But yes, nothing like a roast leg of lamb for a nice Sunday evening supper.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I'm just a lowly slut, darlz, and not ashamed of it in the slightest. I do love my lambies, in any way shape or form.

  • Generation[redacted]

    1. Cause global warming with excessive fossil fuel burning
    2. Blame Obama for subsequent drought and high food prices
    3. Profit!

  • viennawoods13

    Dry rub bbq pork loin at my house tonight. Not that I'm rubbing it in, or anything.

    • Goonemeritus

      With a heart full of love for my Canadian brother I find myself thinking I hope you choke on it.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Of course you're rubbing it in! I can feel it all the way from over here.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Is Romney going for the vegan vote or something?

  • RedneckMuslin

    I'm just glad summer is almost over cuz my butt keeps hurting here at band camp.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      You shouldn't sit in front of the trombone section.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    My God, woman! Eat some frickin' vegetables!

    Is this the modified Atkins heart-attack meat and fruit diet or something?

  • Come here a minute

    I'm extremely sad — I really like "cakes we like" and now I can't afford them.

    • emmelemm

      You'll just have to get some "cakes we hate".

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Aw man, I hate those ones!

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Can we compromise and get "cakes we tolerate?"

        • widestanceromance

          Cakes we love only slightly less than we did before?

  • http://slackoftownnola.wordpress.com Comrade Wingtardd

    Try this one, assholes:
    rent in 1999, before Bush: $575
    rent in 2009, after Bush: $1200

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Is there no seafood available at the market anymore?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    If the movies have taught me anything, it is that Magical Negroes can cure your urinary tract infection and help with your golf swing, but control the weather? That's just crazy.

  • joshleefolsom

    That's a trick list, man, no cigarettes and beer! My smokes and brew dropped in price lately, so I'm saving a quarter a pack and 50 cents a six. That Judy broad should smoke and drink and save $338.00 a year like me. FOUR MORE YEARS!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hey! I like the way you think!

    • bikerlaureate

      Represent!

      Thumbs-up comment to increase p-points.

      Smokes are nature's appetite suppressant. That is all.

  • Mahousu

    If I can buy all the meat and sugar in the store (never mind the few other things) for $136.49, then I don't see any inflation issue at all.

    It is kind of telling, though, that even when cherry-picking (so to speak) the items to rig the comparison, the GOP managed less than a 15% increase over nearly four years. FYI, the actual overall inflation rate 2008-2012 was 6.6%, or only around 1.5% per year.

    • Mahousu

      For comparison, the overall inflation rate for 2000-2004 was 9.7%, and for 2004-2008 was 14%. I think some other guy was president then.

      • Generation[redacted]

        you mean He Who Shall Not Be Named Nor Speak At The Convention?

  • Schmegeg

    Seems like a well ordered market is setting prices, blah blah. Point is, Republicans are all atwitter at government regulations, so WTF is Obama supposed to do here that would actually help and not cause agita among the Randians.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Short of publicly slitting his wrists, there is almost nothing the man can do that would *not* cause agita among that bunch of mindless fuckwits.

  • YouBetcha

    For fuck's sake Julia, eat a goddamn salad once in a while.

  • TheGyrus

    White bread? Seriously?

  • Barrelhse

    William Carlos Williams got nothin' on this guy.
    I bet he has a Red Wheelbarrow, too.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Obama can't be responsible for the drought, because we all know that rainfall is really socialist redistribution of water. If this were a diabolical plan from the Commie in Chief, we'd be experiencing Biblical floods right about now (of the Muslin variety, sorry Noah)

  • Jerri

    Whoever came up with that list is either insanely out of touch or terrifyingly in touch with how Real Americans eat.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Why'd you post a photo of Emo Philips?

  • beardooooo

    An average of 4.7% inflation each year for three years. Damn you, Obama! Why did you invent inflation! If it weren't for you soda would only cost a nickel!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Back in 2008 nickels had bumblebees on them. "Give me five bees for a quarter" we'd say…

  • Naked_Bunny

    So the GOP thinks that Obama should be regulating food prices. Gotcha.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Or maybe food stamps for everyone. What is their point?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Apparently, it is a bony growth from the center of their collective skull. Oh, you meant, "Have they gone completely fucking nuts with this shit"? Yeah, pretty much.

  • EmileZoloft

    In 2008 I had a job and was at least 10 lbs lighter. OBAMAAAAAA!

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    So her bill increases by $17.33? That sucks but I mean, come on.

  • bobbert

    Jeebus. The flunky who cribbed this shit from some CPI-tracking market-basket thing just picked a bunch of lines with relatively high increases, without paying any attention to things like sectional subtotals or quantities or — has been pointed out extensively — any simulation of a real-world shopping list.

    What is the point? They cannot seriously think that something this artificial will actually persuade anyone who is currently undecided. I guess it's just filler to remind the base that President Obama is NOT LIKE THEM.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      here is what i wrote til i read your posting:

      so some asshat just copy / pasted a portion of the CPI listing? they can't even be bothered to clean up categorizations like 'all pork'.

      as pathetic at satire as they are at the economy, waging war, diplomacy, foreign policy initiatives, science, emergency response, legislation, adjudication, singing, etc.
      _______

      cheers!

    • bikerlaureate

      There's no milk or eggs on the After Obama list.
      Isn't that strange?
      What are the odds?

      Freakin' amazing, how that happened…

  • littlebigdaddy

    I'm sorry, I am as snarky as the next Wonkster, but I have a very warm place in my heart for these people. The "cakes we like" thing is sort of precious.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    What is Julia doing even buying groceries when she has no face-hole? That's the real story being ignored by the lame-stream media, as usual. WTF happened to Julia's face?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Well, see, it's that whole Hello-Kitty pomo symbolism thingy, with the tie-in with, you know, Harlan Ellison and the ramifications of that imaginative syfy piece, I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream, and the … (looks around)

      Hey where'd everybody go?

  • zumpie

    Ummm, so a bunch of self proclaimed free market capitalists REALLY don't understand the volatility of the commodities market?

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    where is the booze entry? i cannot judge obama without the booze entry.

  • Misty Malarky

    I assume she shops at Trader Joes or World Market, or some other somesuch fancy Negroid-free groceryin' place.

    If she'd switch to the Piggly Wiggly she could save some big bucks – maybe enough to spring for 2 musturds.

    I feel like Bush, Sr. for asking this but – what the heck is 'All Sizes of White Sugar'?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It's "Negroidal" to you, Missy.

      I too would like to know this last thing.

  • Negropolis

    I'm getting constipated just looking at the list. Damn.

  • ttommyunger

    Not saying the "After Obama" gal is fat, but I'm guessing her weight begins with a "2".