don't have a cow

GOP: Barack Obama’s Command Over The Weather Means We Will Pay More For Cedar Cheese And Those Cakes We Like

Real Americans smoke two packs of cigs a peaceRemember “Julia,” the main character in an Obama campaign website who goes through her childhood and adolescence suckling off the government teat before becoming a web designer and taking birth control pills? Well, now she is back, courtesy of a GOP Political Action Committee, and her grocery bill is TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. This is because 1) she seems to be buying enough groceries to assemble an entire cow, from scratch and 2) because Obama is in charge of the weather AND the free market and has used his magical weather powers to cause this summer’s drought and the subsequent rise in food prices. But for the purposes of critical analysis, here is her shopping list. We are saddened to report that she is not planning on picking up any cedar cheese. Or those cakes we like. We’ll get over it though, with effort.

On the bright side, she can maybe make those cakes we like, using the white flour and the 33 80-oz packages of white sugar. Or console herself by starting Atkins and kicking it off with a veritable feast of ground beef, all uncooked beef steaks, sliced bacon, chicken legs, ground chuck beef, turkey, boneless ham, all pork chops, and boneless chuck roast.

These high food prices are a direct result of Obama's control over the weather. Will YOU stand for it come November?

At least Obamacare will cover Julia’s adult-onset diabetes, so there is always that.


About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
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      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        So it would seem: "All uncooked other beef". "All sizes of white sugar".

        WTF kind of "grocery list" is this?

  1. jjdaddyo

    Now he's all up in our weather!
    I wish I could photoshop a Thor helmet onto a picture of Obammerz.

      1. Baconzgood

        I had to get it up there quick for the up fists. I rarely get to make a pun about my avatar.

          1. MittBorg

            And porking the munchee too, no doubt.

            If there is a god and it created any life on this planet, it was probably the tasty, tasty pig.

    1. Isyaignert

      Yes it is!! I just took out a pack of 12 slices we got from the local rancher. We're making blueberry pancakes and bacon for breakfast tomorrow. Be here at 9:00 everybody.

    1. chicken_thief

      Hey. They got the tamatoes apples and bannas and grapes on the list. And some of them are actually words! Ooh, ooh! And taco salad – 'cause anything with "salad" in the name is healthy as shit for you.

    2. MittBorg

      The latter, obvz. Unless you're a Mormon with umpteen children, there's no way you can eat everything on that list within a week without lapsing into a coma.

  2. Oblios_Cap

    You spell "patatos", I spell "potatoes"…

    It's like these action committee folks have never heard of "inflation", either.

    1. MittBorg

      I can't believe that fucking list! Who eats like that? Does "Julia" have a herd of man-trolls with gaping pieholes? I could feed a family of six on that, and I'd still have to throw out some of the meat and replace it with vegetables.

      1. shelwood46

        Look, the President just promised Iowa farmers that he'd buy $170 million of meat. Clearly he's too busy to go to the store himself, so he is sending Julia. It's gonna take her a few trips because she can only fit so much in her Prius.

  3. YouBetcha

    Don't fret, teabaggers. You'll still be able to cash your Medicare vouchers for any item from the McDonald's Value Menu when the darkie gets a second term.

    1. HamsterSandwich

      Under Vice-President Paul Ryan's plan it would be Medicare "Medical Stamps", not vouchers. Medicare "Medical Stamps", please pass this term and expression on to all of your over-60 friends and family. Make sure your "crazy" aunt gets this and tell her to pass it on to 10 of her friends within two days or something unlucky will happen to her cat. It works every time!

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        I wish I was crafty enough to write (in Wingnut) one of the classic "Obama is going to…………." emails, full of color and ALLCAPS and then….have it all be what Ryan is going to do to the country.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Why bother? Nobody will notice that it's any different from all the other wingnut Obummer chain mails.

          Slightly OT: got a wingnut friend who was raving about what a brilliant choice Ryan was. I emailed him back: "The fact that you like it shows that it was a bad move." I doubt he'll catch on to the truth of the statement.

    1. MittBorg

      It's the birds, I tells ya!

      Our hummingbirds have taken to buzzing me daily. It's a contest with them now to see who's bravest, or something. Not easy to photograph, tho! They can see the slightest movement!

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        A hummingbird once went after my sister's big red earrings. The little sucker was persistent, which made for much hilarity.

        1. MittBorg

          That must have been worth watching! One followed me around the garden for about an hour once because I was wearing a shirt with a floral print. I think they see red, and they don't care who it's on, they assume there's nectar there. Then they fly up next to your face looking very annoyed and buzzing their tiny wings and tails. They're incredibly aggressive for such tiny little guys, and will chase bigger birds away from the feeders.

        1. MittBorg

          *lapses into diabetic coma*

          Why "all sizes"? I'm still trying to figure that out. Did she have to buy a Family-Sized Barrel for the monster in the basement, individual packets for the children to suck on, and pound-boxes for the family larder? And "larder" is becoming *so* appropriate as a description.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Well, you know it got serious when Boehner says Obama has to take responsibility for the drought – you know, as I'm sure he did with Perry last summer.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Not only that, but All Other Pork is on the list. Must be a bag of mixed parts (ears, snouts, tails).

    1. mayor_quimby

      Because that person will never shit or fart again, they'll just die and decompose into a tallow candle.

  4. HarryButtle

    Looking at that handwritten list, I can see plenty of places for "Julie" to cut back. Like, if she's getting "stuf to make speggti" why is she buying "spegtti and meatballs"?

  5. elviouslyqueer

    I call such bullshit. A true Obama creation would be eating tofu, arugula, raw sugar, rice flour, and gluten-free bread.

    1. finallyhappy

      sugar- I don't think so- local honey and we bake our own bread from locally grown and ground wheat.

  6. fartknocker

    Julia's last name is DeWhitt because she only purchases white flour and all white sugar. She also likes some chocolate chips.

        1. MittBorg

          Hon, she needs to get 'em by the fuckin' crate, if she's eating stuff off *that* list. Prunes with every meal, with a prune juice chaser.

    1. MissTaken

      I always read it as 'winnies that dog bans' and wonder what the fuck Winnie did to get banned by the dog.

  7. Baconzgood

    Wait a sec. It sais "ALL OTHER PORK" first then it lists; sliced bacon, smoked ham, all pork chops, bone in pork chops, boneless pork chops, boneless ham, and all ham.

    I don't know about you guys but I wanna move in with this chick. My lil' lady is a vegetarian and totally drops the ball when it comes to buying my pork products.

    1. Goonemeritus

      No shit right, last Sunday I woke up to no bread no eggs no cereal no milk and naturally no bacon. My wife offered me a kelp smoothie.

    2. MittBorg

      Go for it, Baconz. Your little lady sounds like a sweetheart, but a man NEEDS his pigmeat. Maybe you can talk them into being sister-wives.

      Julia, OTOH, needs an introduction to a fucking vegetable, any vegetable, in a hurry.

  8. Biff

    But when the same thing(s) happened under the shrub, including gasoline prices rising above $4 a gallon and people couldn't even afford to get to the store to buy shit anyway?

    Fucking crickets…

    1. zumpie

      I was thinking that, too. Actually food prices were rising a lot more in 2007/2008. The hotel I worked at had to pay additional gas surcharges from their food vendors—which were passed on the thier customers in higher prices. Prior to the complete financial melt down, it was called "stagflation".

      BTW, Julia's grocery bill presumably increased by less than 10% over 4 years, which isn't great, but really isn't all that terrible.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Considering that the list seems designed to capture the items that have increased the most, 10% ain't bad at all.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Damn — nobody told me that if I voted for Barack Obama and he got elected, food prices would be higher in four years. The population has probably increased as well. And all the music sounds like noise, and the kids dress like whores. Bring back Ike!

    1. finallyhappy

      For a fact- Kool-aid is unsweetened. That is one reason why it makes an excellent dye for wool. It is the only dye I use- and I was thrilled to find that the blue color is back( I am not sure what flavor that is). I do not however drink it or use it without plastic gloves

    1. kittensdontlie

      Why isn't there sunlight 24 hours a day?! Those 'darkies' can't keep their hands off the sun!!

  10. MacRaith

    You know what else? I'm three and a half years older than I was when Obama took office. Damn you, Obama, for making me get older!

    1. MittBorg

      I can't believe any human being could eat that without instantly sprouting a giant carcinoma. I mean, I LOVE eating meat, but srsly, the diet represented by that shopping list would kill a human being within a few decades. Or make them very sick indeed.

  11. Callyson

    Oh, for fuck's sake. The increase in food prices has nothing to do with Obama and everything to do with weather conditions (i.e., droughts) that are partially driven by–you guessed it!–climate change.


    1. sly_3

      don't leave out the corporations and the fast food executives who must show massive profits at each board meeting or they'll find themselves selling cable tv door-to-door.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      I would personally like to drop by and offer Julia a heapin' helpin' of dark brown sugar. One taste and she'll never go back.

  12. Canmon

    Potato chips cost $5.26? Damn you Obama!

    On the plus side, it will be a bountiful Thanksgiving if I can get a turkey for $1.56.

  13. Mumbly_Joe

    Look, all the GOP is saying is that Obama, being the Anti-Christ, used his anti-Jesus powers to negate Rick Perry's prayers for rain. That's all!

    1. Veritas78

      Right at the top, before someone tried to balance things by adding some fruit at the top which will definitely rot before whoever wrote this list gets around to eating them.

  14. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Gross. With that shopping list Julia is going to be needing her Medicare provided hoveround very soon. Seriously, who the fuck eats like that?

  15. MissTaken

    I never thought the Cedar Cheese and 1 Musturd shopping list would be the one that actually made sense.

    1. SorosBot

      Hey, the list shows a well-balanced diet with all four food groups: beef, pork, chicken and chips.

  16. SorosBot

    Yeah, it's not Obama who has been blocking every attempt to do something to cut down on carbon emissions and try and stop the global warming which has caused the Midwestern droughts that made food prices go up.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      Tax relief for Gazillionaires and a permanent end to the Death Tax. Where have u been???

    1. MissTaken

      Wait for a sale? Are you fucking kidding me? When Julia needs her boneless and bone-in chops she needs them THIS INSTANT!

      1. MittBorg

        I don't even know people who *food shop* like that. Most people buy the bulky staples once a month (rice, coffee, tea, sugar, flour); and buy their fresh vegetables and meat maybe two days or three at a time. What kind of people buy this unholy amount of shit in this fashion? Maybe this explains why Republicans and teabaggers are so fucking crazy.

        1. HistoriCat

          Maybe Julia is just lucky enough to have a huge walk-in freezer. She only buys meat and staples every four years!

  17. MissTaken

    Julia should really consider adding vegetables to her diet. May help with the IBS caused by 'bone-in chops' and 'boneless chops'.

    1. Baconzgood

      Cabbage. That's the only green she got. With a diet like that you would think T.P. would be the first thing on the list.

        1. Jerri

          Good point. Therefore:

          "Julia wishes she had dysentery. For the love of God, why can't she contract this horrible illness and be put out of her misery?!"

  18. orygoon

    Imagine someone still buying white bread "after Obama". I thought Michelle had us all eating better than that.

    Also, buried in the GOP platform they're sneaking in a rutabaga-and-kale tax, for those of us who are trying to be more independent and grow our own. Got to pay for that cap gains zillionaire tax cut, right out of my dirt and hard work.

  19. Calapine

    Julia must have a flesh eating 500 pound monster in the cellar…

    Maybe it's the 2016 surprise Republican candidate?

  20. Biff

    I pretty much only eat sourdough when I eat bread, and it's mostly white. She could be the one for me!

  21. pdiddycornchips

    "And when we elect Romney/Ryan, all these things will be free and no blah's will ever touch your food again, and jobs will magically appear and the free market will bake us those cakes we like and all the union people will turn into pillars of bath salts". "It's gonna be great!!!"

  22. OurHoboSenator

    Julia pays a little extra for her groceries to make sure they're bagged by a white person.

  23. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Just yesterday I went to the outdoor produce market down the street from me and bought what had to be 10 pounds of food for less than $10. But then I only bought fruits and veggies, not enough meat to feed a pride of lions.

    1. MittBorg

      I LOVE meat and often throw some in my veggies when I'm cooking them, and I live with two other reasonably carnivorous types, and all three of us would have trouble going through that much meat. And yes, no veggies at all. The farts in that house must be horrendous.

  24. PuckStopsHere

    You know what's good? Cheesey-Weinies are good. You take hot dogs, slit 'em open and insert cheese (cheddar would be ok, I suppose but we use "MERKIN" for Freedom.) Wrap those bad boys in crescent rolls and oven 'em up at 375 until golden brown. Serve with cole slaw, chips, pork and beans and your best Merlot. Mmmm.

    1. Sivart_R1

      your Cheesey-Weinies recipe made me think of 'ol Wide Stance's "Super Tuber":
      1 hot dog, cook's choice
      1 Idaho baking potato, 7 to 10 ounces
      Mustard for dipping, any style
      Other condiments as desired such as cheese sauce, sour cream, chili, chives, bacon pieces or black olives.
      Wash and dry potato. Rub with shortening or butter. With an apple corer or small knife, core out the potato center (end to end). Push hot dog through the center. Bake until potato is cooked through.….

      1. widestanceromance

        How many times should the hot dog be pushed through the center? I got stuck here when I tried the recipe.

          1. widestanceromance

            The best part was having the paramedics eat the potato from my d—um, never mind, I'm about to overshare.

  25. MittBorg

    Does Mrs. Goonemeritus have you on a diet, darlz? Because MY wife is starting to talk about a "plant-based diet," and it makes me crave a roast lamb leg like there was no tomorrow.

    Frankly, if I had to live on a diet of cauliflower curry and rice and beans, I'd be hangin' around Julia's backdoor ALL night long.

    1. Goonemeritus

      Sorry for deleting but it was so close to Baconz comment that I didn’t want to take a chance of our Edrix going all Fareed Zakaria on me.

      It’s not that the wife has changed anything but both kids are off to college and they provided a convenient excuse to grill more large recognizable parts of animals when they are home.

      1. MittBorg

        Whoa, we're getting busted for plagiarism now? Dang.

        We don't grill anymore since partner delights to tell us about the carcinogenic byproducts of grilling. We make up for it by eating spicy curries with lots of beast, though. We have good intentions, and some day (when we damn well have to) we'll all settle down to lettuce for lunch and pears for dinner. Till then, it's meat with the required minimum daily servings of veggies.

    2. UW8316154

      That sounds a bit dirty to ME, M-B….But yes, nothing like a roast leg of lamb for a nice Sunday evening supper.

  26. Generation[redacted]

    1. Cause global warming with excessive fossil fuel burning
    2. Blame Obama for subsequent drought and high food prices
    3. Profit!

    1. Goonemeritus

      With a heart full of love for my Canadian brother I find myself thinking I hope you choke on it.

  27. randcoolcatdaddy

    My God, woman! Eat some frickin' vegetables!

    Is this the modified Atkins heart-attack meat and fruit diet or something?

  28. imissopus

    If the movies have taught me anything, it is that Magical Negroes can cure your urinary tract infection and help with your golf swing, but control the weather? That's just crazy.

  29. joshleefolsom

    That's a trick list, man, no cigarettes and beer! My smokes and brew dropped in price lately, so I'm saving a quarter a pack and 50 cents a six. That Judy broad should smoke and drink and save $338.00 a year like me. FOUR MORE YEARS!

    1. bikerlaureate


      Thumbs-up comment to increase p-points.

      Smokes are nature's appetite suppressant. That is all.

  30. Mahousu

    If I can buy all the meat and sugar in the store (never mind the few other things) for $136.49, then I don't see any inflation issue at all.

    It is kind of telling, though, that even when cherry-picking (so to speak) the items to rig the comparison, the GOP managed less than a 15% increase over nearly four years. FYI, the actual overall inflation rate 2008-2012 was 6.6%, or only around 1.5% per year.

    1. Mahousu

      For comparison, the overall inflation rate for 2000-2004 was 9.7%, and for 2004-2008 was 14%. I think some other guy was president then.

  31. Schmegeg

    Seems like a well ordered market is setting prices, blah blah. Point is, Republicans are all atwitter at government regulations, so WTF is Obama supposed to do here that would actually help and not cause agita among the Randians.

    1. MittBorg

      Short of publicly slitting his wrists, there is almost nothing the man can do that would *not* cause agita among that bunch of mindless fuckwits.

  32. zippy_w_pinhead

    Obama can't be responsible for the drought, because we all know that rainfall is really socialist redistribution of water. If this were a diabolical plan from the Commie in Chief, we'd be experiencing Biblical floods right about now (of the Muslin variety, sorry Noah)

  33. Jerri

    Whoever came up with that list is either insanely out of touch or terrifyingly in touch with how Real Americans eat.

  34. beardooooo

    An average of 4.7% inflation each year for three years. Damn you, Obama! Why did you invent inflation! If it weren't for you soda would only cost a nickel!

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Back in 2008 nickels had bumblebees on them. "Give me five bees for a quarter" we'd say…

      1. MittBorg

        Apparently, it is a bony growth from the center of their collective skull. Oh, you meant, "Have they gone completely fucking nuts with this shit"? Yeah, pretty much.

  35. bobbert

    Jeebus. The flunky who cribbed this shit from some CPI-tracking market-basket thing just picked a bunch of lines with relatively high increases, without paying any attention to things like sectional subtotals or quantities or — has been pointed out extensively — any simulation of a real-world shopping list.

    What is the point? They cannot seriously think that something this artificial will actually persuade anyone who is currently undecided. I guess it's just filler to remind the base that President Obama is NOT LIKE THEM.

    1. fuflans

      here is what i wrote til i read your posting:

      so some asshat just copy / pasted a portion of the CPI listing? they can't even be bothered to clean up categorizations like 'all pork'.

      as pathetic at satire as they are at the economy, waging war, diplomacy, foreign policy initiatives, science, emergency response, legislation, adjudication, singing, etc.


    2. bikerlaureate

      There's no milk or eggs on the After Obama list.
      Isn't that strange?
      What are the odds?

      Freakin' amazing, how that happened…

  36. littlebigdaddy

    I'm sorry, I am as snarky as the next Wonkster, but I have a very warm place in my heart for these people. The "cakes we like" thing is sort of precious.

  37. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    What is Julia doing even buying groceries when she has no face-hole? That's the real story being ignored by the lame-stream media, as usual. WTF happened to Julia's face?

    1. MittBorg

      Well, see, it's that whole Hello-Kitty pomo symbolism thingy, with the tie-in with, you know, Harlan Ellison and the ramifications of that imaginative syfy piece, I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream, and the … (looks around)

      Hey where'd everybody go?

  38. zumpie

    Ummm, so a bunch of self proclaimed free market capitalists REALLY don't understand the volatility of the commodities market?

  39. Misty Malarky

    I assume she shops at Trader Joes or World Market, or some other somesuch fancy Negroid-free groceryin' place.

    If she'd switch to the Piggly Wiggly she could save some big bucks – maybe enough to spring for 2 musturds.

    I feel like Bush, Sr. for asking this but – what the heck is 'All Sizes of White Sugar'?

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