like shooting ducks in a barrel

Your Monday Caption Contest: Paul Ryan With This Dead Thing

Which is the dead thing?
Hey y’all, it’s not that you didn’t do a swell job on yesterday’s caption contest, except that you kind of didn’t. But we didn’t either, so who can blame you! Let us try again. Here is Paul Ryan, with something that he presumably murdered. That should be easier, don’t you think? Have at it. [FoxNews]

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  1. sbj1964

    Just another thing Paul Ryan has killed along with Mittens chance of being President.Old people hate it when you want to end Medicare Asshole!

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Sarah's not that good. She's a wonky-eyed shot and proved in on SPA. Only thing we Alaskan's believe this Frontier Woman did was hold those warm moose eyeballs for her dad's "sciency" class.

      1. el_donaldo

        I love his epithet for Scott Walker, too: "the goggle-eyed homunculus hired by Koch Industries to manage its midwest subsidiary formerly known as the state of Wisconsin."

        1. MittBorg

          Right. I forgot I was on Teh Wonketz, where *evuhbuddy* is willing to leap in to any discussion of ass-fucking, without the slightest trace of shame.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      More like Boehner's balls, given the way he torpedoed every deal the Orange Satan tried to strike.

      I actually think Boehner may have tried to talk up Ryan to Romney's people (y'know the Mitt is not meeting with him directly) in hopes that the resulting crash and burn either got him out of the House altogether or at least toned him down for a cycle or two ala McCain suddenly being a good GOP soldier for a few years. Now if he can just find a way to get rid of Cantor, we might actually negotiate a long term deficit deal.

      1. MittBorg

        Every night I pray to a god in which I don't believe that Eric Cantor will develop elephantiasis of the balls and never again be able to leave his house or use a telephone or computer.

  2. UnholyMoses

    "In this picture, Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan (R-evolting) shows off a deer that's as dead as senior citizens and Poors will be if Ryan's budget plan is ever put into place. Credit Associated Press."

  3. friendlyskies

    See? I *can* shoot straight after a massive bong hit. You owe me $10,000, bitch. Now let's dress this bad boy and get it back home so the womenfolk can cook us dinner. What do you mean, Ann can't butcher a deer? Jesus, is there anything about you that isn't totally pathetic, Mitt? Pfft.

  4. gullywompr

    No caption, but I just want to point out – that's not a gun. Why does Ryan hate the 2nd Amendment?

    1. HistoriCat

      Technically the 2nd Amendment says "keep and bear arms" … doesn't say they have to be firearms.

      And that's why I prefer to use a cavalry saber – I'm old-school.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Because one of the only 2 bills he authored to become law in 14 years was to make bow hunting cheaper on a per arrow basis. So it only made sense to take advantage of the low low prices of Chinese arrow shafts.

      The other was to name a post office, by the way.

      1. MittBorg

        In SEVEN Congressional terms, FOURTEEN years, he has earned the equivalent of somewhat over TWO MILLION dollars for warming his seat. That's ONE MILLION per bill. I'd rather not pay that much to be ass-raped by China-made arrows, thankyewveddymuch.

    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      the department of natural resources is probably the second or third most dangerous branch of government to be infiltrated by creeping socialism

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Well, unless it was on a private game canned hunt (ala Cheney's dove fetish) you can all but guarantee the states or feds had a big part in subsidizing that buck's growth until Ryan could take it down. Even if it was raised in fenced off private lands, I could in 5 steps or less trace out how the success of the hunt in some way was directly attributable to government actions that he claims have no place in America.

      Which is yet one piece of evidence that the Randian morons just don't get how stupid they truly are.

      1. tessiee

        Yes, but more importantly, it would also give most of us a break on that whole "Height/Weight Proportionate" thing.

  5. thewarmingsun

    "Observe that in all the propaganda of the ecologists—amidst all their appeals to nature and pleas for 'harmony with nature'—there is no discussion of man's needs and the requirements of his survival."

    I killed this deer for you, my sweet Ayn.

    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      Did Ayn really write that? Cause that's bullshit. Most hunters and wildlife ecologists believe in maintaining healthy deer populations – which involves well-regulated hunting. Too many deer is just as bad for the deer as too few.

      Just like sweet Ayn to completely invent a strawman for her bullshit arguments.

      1. sullivanst

        Although her saying that does kind of explain Ryan's hardcore climate denialism, don't you think?

      2. BerkeleyBear

        Oh, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Her books are full of bullshit failures to comprehend the actual beliefs of anyone else and the policies behind laws and regulations. That complete lack of understanding allows her to create horrorscapes where nonsense laws are commonplace and government is useless (but anything private industry makes is awesome regardless of technological realities).

        Which is why anyone who has learned anything from a college level poli/sci, western civ or public policy class (or actually paid close attention to School House Rock) should now the Randian philosophy is utter bullshit.

    1. SexySmurf

      Richie Cunningham, on that episode of Happy Days when he "accidentally" chokes that hooker to death, but his dad (Tom Bosley) helps him bury the body so everything works out okay in the end.

        1. sudsmckenzie

          I just don't believe anyone hasn't pointed out Ayn Ryan looks alot like Aron Rodgers.
          And I would make a Jake Cutler joke, but that, well, it doesn't even ….

    1. elviouslyqueer

      The one of him with the compound bow in his office looks like he's auditioning for The Hunger Games.

      Oh, wait.

          1. MittBorg

            They bring me all their ooky, bleeding things with that question in their enormous, puzzled, predator eyes. I don't mind dead bodies, children, but not on the pillow, PLEEZ!

  6. invisichad

    "See, you pull on its jowls and snot shoots out. JUST like a metaphor for something political."

    1. MittBorg

      Hell, shooting any and all BLAH "bucks" would definitely be consistent with their platform too. It's only the GREEN bucks that they love and cherish.

        1. MittBorg

          I am? (looks around, bewildered)

          I have no idea what the Milwaukee Bucks are, btw. I assume a football team. Or is it baseball when they chase the little ones around on the field?

          1. BerkeleyBear

            Basketball – hence ordinarily an implication of blah athlete. But Milwaukee, being a bunch of twits, drafted a big slow white Australian a while ago, as well as a Chinese player who had publicly said he wanted to play pretty much anywhere else.

          2. MittBorg

            Ah. Basketball's like volleyball? Don't think I've ever seen a basketball game. Oh, wait, no, that's what our President plays. Never mind.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but the Bucks already shoot themselves in the foot, year after year (Andrew Bogut, anyone?)

  7. Pragmatist2

    I bet this is popping up on all the bestiality/skullf*ck sites. Er, I mean, if there are such things.

    1. MittBorg

      I wouldn't know. (walks off whistling, hands in pockets, eyes turned heavenwards, trips, faceplants)

      As you were, gentlemen. As you were.

  8. Beowoof

    Wow, a manly man, tracks down and kills the ferocious white tail deer. The white tail know to reek havoc through out suburban Wisconsin. With tough guys like Ryan around I know we will be safe.

    1. MittBorg

      In the Gilbert and Ellis islands, young men would participate in manhood-proving ceremonies. This usually involved taking on a full-grown shark or octopus, armed with nothing but a small hunting knife. THAT's the kind of tough-guyness I can admire. This shit? I've seen cats face down deer.

      1. tessiee

        When I lived in North Carolina, I had a nice but rather stressed-out co-worker who worked full-time, had four kids of her own, and also took in foster kids. Her husband used to sit on the back porch and shoot the deer that came into their yard (although, since they were trying to feed four, or six, or eight kids, I can't really blame him).

        1. MittBorg

          I have no problem with hunting for food, but only by those who need to. F'rinstance, as much as I'd like to make MY resident deer into carpaccio, that would be totally way not cool in my book, since they were here before me, and I can afford to feed myself without preying on them. But if some guy needed to feed his kids, I wouldn't turn a hair if he came up here and shot the bloody lot, maybe leave one breeding pair. God knows they breed like fucking rabbits anyway. They're terribly stupid, they're pests, and they're serious disease vectors. But I can find no excuse for killing them *myself* that makes any sense to me. Especially since they provide a tasty snack for the local cougars.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      You just know there's a salt lick bait just out of the photo frame. (Which for all I know might be legal in Wisconsin, but it sure is dickish to turn around and act like the "great white hunter" afterwards).

      This sums up my problem – I like venison (and elk, and yak, and moose, and cow and all of the rest of God's delicious herbivores) and have no philosophical issue with hunting as long as it is well managed ecologically. I just hate how guys who basically sit up in a tree all day waiting for the deer to follow its normal pattern, holding a complex piece of tech that allows them to hold an arrow at full draw for minutes at a time without fatigue, then act like it is such a huge manly accomplishment. Hunting has basically become about as tough as fishing a stocked pond in a lot of cases, so just don't brag on it.

      1. MittBorg

        I LIKE meat. I also love animals (in their live state). It's a terrible dilemma, and I feel like a fucking hypocrite, but I'm not giving up lamb chops or goat curry or roast chicken in this lifetime. I just want people to be fair about it. You wanna kill an animal? Fine. Go into the woods lightly armed (no guns) and give the beast a fighting chance. Then if you kill it in a fair fight, by all means, eat it. These rules don't apply to ME, of course. I just buy my meat at the butcher's. Let someone else accumulate the bad karma of killing the poor thing.

        Sorry. When I start snarking on myself, it might be time to dial it down, no?

  9. rocco2727

    If you hold it by the neck, right here, and then grab it's nuts…hard…snot will come shooting from it's nose. See!

  10. MozakiBlocks

    I showed this picture to Mr. Mozaki Blocks a life-long hunter and he said "Eh, nothing special"

    I assume he meant the deer.

  11. Limeylizzie

    Oh God another bow and arrow person, that is so repulsive I would like my cat, Neville, he of the most enormous turds imaginable, to shit on Ryan's face.

  12. chicken_thief

    Not a caption, but the grass is green and Ryan isn't bundled up – when the fuck is deer season in WI?!

    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      archery is usually legal for a much longer season than firearms. This was likely late september/early october.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Because of the supposed greater difficulty (which is bullshit if you have one of those high tech death dealers that Ryan posed with in a picture linked elsewhere and a good tree stand set up).

        1. Nibbler of Niblonia

          @BerkeleyBear do you hunt?

          Most explanations I've heard for archery season being longer is that fewer people do it, and the range of the weapon is much, much shorter than firearms. So the likelihood of someone pulling a Dick Cheney on some fellow hunter or innocent hiker is pretty low during archery season.

          From the looks of it, Ryan's bow in that pic isn't all that special. And no matter how much high-tech gear you have, deer hunting with archery tackle is never easy. There's still a lot of leaves on the trees so most hunters are lucky to get a clear shot within range – which for most is max 30-50 yards. And mating hasn't begun yet so the deer don't respond to scents and calls. Your tracking and scouting skills have to be tuned in.

          I know it's hard for people who don't hunt to keep all this in perspective. It's not like you just walk out in the woods and there's a group of 50 deer sitting there and you just go BLAHMO.

          1. BerkeleyBear

            All that can be how you hunt, and I certainly was taught it was tough and manly, but I've seen enough bullshit hunts that were completely one sided that I don't take all that at face value. A compound bow and a tree stand in a highly populated deer area increases your odds a hell of a lot over what people had to do even a few generations ago to bring down game. And don't even get me started on fucking salt lick baiting, dove "plantations" and other canned hunting exploits.

            It is the natural tendency of humans to make life easier, not harder. I'm not asking anyone to go out with a bronze age spear and bring down a wooly mammoth, just as long as they stop acting like taking down a white tail buck is in the same league (especially in places where they are overpopulated to begin with). You want a tough challenge try killing a city rat with nothing but a sharpened stick.

    2. tessiee

      $: – ?
      Hey, YEAH!
      What, was this taken during the ten days a year that Wisconsin is *not* covered in six feet of snow?

  13. JustPixelz

    Paul Ryan: Protecting the sanctity of god-given life since … um, what's the date of this picture?

  14. Nibbler of Niblonia

    you call hunting murder. I call it a different kind of grocery shopping.

    shitting on hunting is lame.

    Paul Ryan is still a douche.

      1. Nibbler of Niblonia

        Fair enough. It might be safe to say that Paul Ryan only started hunting when he realized it would have political benefit.

        Where is the original long-form hunting license from BEFORE Ryan decided to run for congress?

    1. Biff

      I'm thinking Rafalca rMoney didn't make the flight back to Amercia, and was diverted to a plant outside of Paris instead.

        1. Biff

          Not to worry–Frenchies are out and proud of their chevalle-eating ways, no need sneaking it in where it's not wanted!

          1. Biff

            If raised as food, they are quite good. I've eaten burro, too–tough, bland. Not farm-raised, of course. Not very sporting, but when you're hungry, you do something about it. Glad I don't have to do that anymore.

  15. Naked_Bunny

    I don't have a caption. I'm too distracted by the fact that the dead buck has more dignity and intelligence — indeed, more life and humanity — in his eyes than Ryan does.

  16. iburl

    "That hunter can take that deer out of the forest, and haul him across a state line, and force him to sign a tax return, to eradicate the evidence of his crime, and bring him back and shoot him in front of a camera. And that’s not against the law in the United States."

    1. Joey_Blau

      NO!! we should force women to have babies and then grind them up to feed the OLD! we are in control now!

      and no one is taking our drivers' licenses away!!

      1. viennawoods13

        On the other hand, we have been hit by deer twice while driving innocently down the road, so, please, feel free to cull the herd.

        1. MittBorg

          Personally, I'd love to make venison carpaccio out of the deer that are constantly chomping on my garden. And I have no problem with people shooting them and eating them, if they;re hungry and need to. Goddamn overgrown rats. OTOH, this fucker makes $174,000 dollars from the taxpayer treasury per year, not to mention the millions he's made with insider trading on the stock market. He doesn't need to shoot no deer or turkey to feed himself or his trust-fund-baby wife. He'd look a lot manlier if he would donate the meat to a charity. Poor people are eating out of fucking dumpsters, for chrisake, they could use a little venison.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      There's nothing wrong with deer hunting unless you are a vegan, and not all hunters are douches. But yeah, an adult posing with the carcass with a shit-eating grin is pretty much a guarantee of douchiness. I mean, you don't see the guy with the air hammer at the slaughterhouse tweeting picks of every kill.

      1. 415buzzard

        Sorry, just don't see the "sport" in killing an animal, just for kicks. And I am sure being shot with an arrow feels fucking terrific.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          I didn't call it a sport, and there's very little sporting about using weapons against grazing animals (although others on here plainly disagree). But hunting itself is part of the process of balancing the ecosystem and our interactions with it – at least as long as we aren't willing to let a bunch of other alpha predators be introduced into human population centers and let them do their natural jobs.

          As for the "just for kicks" comment, is eating steak done "just for kicks"? Arguably – I don't need to eat red meat. But as long as that's okay, hunting is at least as acceptable as chicken slaughtering or cow killing.

          1. 415buzzard

            Ha Ha. The "ecosystem" is fucked far beyond "balancing" at this point. Getting dressed up in camo and taking out your repressed rage on a freaking deer is not going to help matters.

    1. Franknflower

      Guy Smiley? And what does Ryan have against Muppets? From his Twitter:

      Remember that muppet that's a pig but also a reporter? That muppet is a piece of shit. I hate that muppet.

      1. tessiee

        He's such a piece a shit, he's probably mad at the Muppets because they pulled their support from Chik-Fil-Homophobe.

  17. glasspusher

    I just noticed in that picture, looks like a pencil thin stream of mist coming out of that deer's right nostril? What is up with that? Is that its soul leaving its body?

  18. pdiddycornchips

    This Tea Party deer was happy to sacrifice herself so that rich assholes can eat well.
    We expect the rest of you to learn from her example.

  19. randcoolcatdaddy

    "That should feed grandma for a couple of years when don't have no Social Security anymore."

  20. An_Outhouse

    "I told you it was easier when you shine a bright light in their eyes. Fuck you if its illegal. Where's the rest of the beer?"

  21. Blunderthing

    "Your health care voucher now comes with a year's supply of venison that I personally kilt, like Abe Lincoln kilt that b'ar."

  22. Dudleydidwrong

    "Lookey me! Lookey me! I'm a real man. I shot a wild animal. Now elect me vice-president and my life will be complete."

    "Fuck you, Cheney. What you shot went to the hospital. Mine went to the freezer. Who's the better man, huh?"

  23. tessiee

    Seriously, those googly bug eyes can focus well enough to hit anything with a hunting bow and arrow?

  24. fuflans

    i don't believe in arbitrary contests that pit people of good will against each other as they reduce the human impulse to shallow randian equations of 'win' vs. 'lose'.

    also, i don't have any ideas.

  25. AnEast

    I told you! This is just a photo op. Now, hold your head still for one more minute and we'll have a great pic of my marvelous manly, manliness.

  26. Smithboy

    I've seen that deer in the headlight look before. It was when Palin was asked what newspapers she read.

  27. BerkeleyBear

    "Rep. Paul Ryan, seen here after shooting little Beverly Whitegirl's pet deer. The Representative was quoted as saying afterwards, "You think that was brutal? Just wait until you see what I plan on doing to her future.""

  28. Joey_Blau

    well.. an eight point buck.. with a bow and arrow.. that is pretty hard core…

    unless he went to a petting zoo and shot it with a rifle and then posed with the bow…

    but since we have killed all the wolves and other predators we do need to kill some deer. Leaving the large bucks and killing some does and yearlings is a good wildlife management policy.

    because if we don't do it mother nature will.. by starving them to death.

  29. poncho_pilot

    "Paul will get you like a case of anthrax and that's something I don't want to catch."

    too obscure?

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