NOT AFRAID TO BE SERVICEY  3:02 pm August 11, 2012

Your Wonkette Primer On The Ryan Plan And How It Will Murder America as We Know It

by Kris E. Benson

Paul Ryan (R-Romney)Congrats, Amercia, Mitt Romney picked a VP, and it is Paul Ryan. Of course, dear reader, you are probably already aware of the fact that you loathe Paul Ryan but are unsure about why, exactly. This might leave you confused, and possibly angry. Do you hate him because of his smug countenance,  you wonder? Or perhaps the prep-school pretty-boy yearbook-picture good looks? But, no, it has nothing to do with either of those things, and is instead probably because of the Ryan Plan, although you’re fuzzy on the details. It will destroy America, you know, but HOW exactly? Privatization something something big government and liberty and blah blah blah, of course, but this is the GOP answer to everything, so what makes this plan SPECIAL? Luckily, your Wonkette is here to tell you about the Ryan Plan, what’s Special about it, and why you hate it.

Corporate Tax Rate: the plan cuts the tax rate for Incorporated Americanss from 35% to 25%. Will this make Grover Norquist cry, given that most large Incorporated Americans currently either pay no taxes, or get money back from the government? No, it will not make him cry, because it only pretend closes a lot of tax loopholes (otherwise known as “the corporate tax code”) and thus probably does not actually change the tax rate for Incorporated Americans in anything other than theory.

Taxes for Non-Incorporated Americans: the plan creates two tax brackets: 25% and 10%. You enter the 25% tax bracket if you’re an individual making $50,000 or a joint filer or family with an income of $100,000, which means that an individual making $50,000 per year will pay the same tax rate as multi-millionaire Mitt Romney (in the event that multi-millionaire Mitt Romney deigns to pay taxes, that is, which as we know, he may or may not.) This, of course, raises taxes on the middle class (a.k.a, “one medical emergency away from being Poors”) but taxes only count when they are levied on Job Creators, so we can breathe a sigh of relief about that.

Health Insurance: Those who purchase health insurance get a non-taxable sum of $2300 in the beginning of the year, unless they are on military health plans or Medicare and joint filers get $5700 for the entire family.

Medicaid:  Medicaid benefits would be paid via debit cards from a bank,  thus allowing the banks to charge fees to Poors even though they may not even have bank accounts. Medicaid would also be given as block grants (as opposed to matching-grants) so about 14 million would lose their Medicaid coverage on the plan. These 14 million are probably sick, disabled, or Poors, which has raised the ire of a bunch of uppity nuns who seem to have forgotten that their mission is less about helping Poors than lecturing about sluts and buttseks.  Paul Ryan has that effect on people, we guess.

Non-military spending: anything that is not “military spending,” such as foreign aid, assistance to veterans and federal funding for schools and roads would be cut by over two-thirds.

Health Insurance: the Ryan Plan sets up “health insurance exchanges,” which allow insurance companies to reach across state lines and screw you, instead of being limited to screwing residents within state lines.

Medicare: if you become eligible for Medicare prior to January 1, 2021, you can still “retire” at 65; otherwise you have to “retire” at 67. By “retire” we mean “continuing to work until you’re 80 and then dying.”   Medicare will consist of “standard payments” for health care coverage. These “standard payments” are the average amount that Medicare spends per beneficiary, unless you make $80,000 per year or more, in which case you get half that. Also, it will be “geographically adjusted” at first but then they’ll phase that out at some point. Unlike the 2010 version of the plan, the 2012 plan allows Olds to stay on Medicare if they REALLY REALLY want to, but they will have to purchase it using these standard payments, and it will cost them more than if traditional Medicare was left in place.

Social Security: are you feeling left out, Social Security beneficiaries? Don’t, because you’re in here too! In the Ryan Plan, Social Security becomes an opt-out system wherein you’re given a personal account to which you contribute annually, administered by a Social Security Savings Account Board, and then when you retire, you get payments from your account in the form of an annuity.

So in summary, the Ryan Plan will privatize anything and everything, raise your taxes if you make over $50,000 per year, cut them if you make over $200,000 per year, and end Medicare and Medicaid as we know it.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 229 comments }

Barb_ August 11, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Nothing will be Saving Privatizing Ryan. He's fucked before he even got out of the gate.

BarackMyWorld August 11, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I see what you did there.

Barb_ August 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I'm glad you did. It made no sense to me there for a minute.

coolhandnuke August 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Paul Ryan: Tell me I have led a good life.
Ryan's wife: What?
Paul Ryan: Tell me I'm a good man.
Ryan's Wife: You aren't.

metamarcisf August 11, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Have you trademarked the "Privatizing Ryan" yet? 'Cause I know a guy…

CapnFatback August 11, 2012 at 3:57 pm

You may want to have him contact Paul Krugman or R.J. Matson first.

not that Dewey August 11, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I don't recall seeing either of them on Wonkette. This is virgin comedy territory.

CapnFatback August 11, 2012 at 6:10 pm
Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2012 at 2:08 am
CapnFatback August 12, 2012 at 10:26 am

That doesn't count. You didn't post in the thread's first five comments, duh.

memzilla August 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Current Drudge Report headline is "Ryan Rocks It!" with poll results showing over 80% of his eyeballs calling Ryan a "good pick."

I'm hoping that Paul Ryan will be as good for the Romney campaign as Charles Curtis was for the Hoover campaign.

BarackMyWorld August 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm

I'm surprised it's not higher….like 100% across party lines.

Ryan is a good pick for Romney because Romney needed someone who was going to be specific on the issues and to help shore up "the base" (conservatives), and Democrats think Paul Ryan is a giant douchebag and can't wait to trash him in speeches and on TV.
It's a total win-win.

Goonemeritus August 11, 2012 at 6:18 pm

The last thing Republicans want is specificity for years they have stuck to the mantra of waste fraud and abuse until after the election. That’s when the rubes would find out that they were being serviced by waste.

Negropolis August 12, 2012 at 2:41 am

Well, it's a "win-win" until they inevitably lose. It's not as if Romney really had any other choices in a pool so shallow. If Ryan is a "win", then Romney is "winning!" like Charlie Sheen, let me tell you.

Toomush_Infer August 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I believe that's: "fucked before he even got off the boat….", Barb…

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2012 at 2:22 am

Or minutes afterward … Paul Ryan is Private Ryan's brother.

Angry_Marmot August 12, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Kate Winslet's character in Titanic, she was fucked before she even got off the boat.

miss_grundy August 11, 2012 at 6:51 pm

From your mouth to G-d's ear.

bumfug August 11, 2012 at 3:08 pm

The good news is that we'll never in a million years know what actually would happen if Romney or Ryan were ever to be elected.

Dr. Nick Riviera August 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I don't know…Obama is still black…

bumfug August 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Yeah and he was black four years ago when he beat a POW veteran and a far-right wacko and now he's running against a draft-dodger and a far-right wacko.

Naked_Bunny August 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Have you seen Obama's hair recently, though? I think it would benefit him if some of the olds thought they were voting for Morgan Freeman.

Serolf_Divad August 11, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I'm told it's talcum powder, applied to make crusty old white voters feel more comfortable by reminding them of Morgan Freeman (or Uncle Ben depending on just how old they are). Obama's actually 24 years old, and allowed to be president under the awesomeness clause:

No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, unless he be awesome and consistently able to score three point shots while playing hoops with the troops, even if he sucketh at bowling

WIDTAP August 11, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Or as Seth Meyers noted, if Obama's hair were any whiter, the Tea Party would endorse it.

deanbooth August 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm

But Ryan is just 42 — he'll be running for pres. for the next 30 years.

Toomush_Infer August 11, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Yup, next Republican President, like Mitt said…

bumfug August 11, 2012 at 4:13 pm

So did Harold Stassen…

BerkeleyBear August 11, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Well, since his father, grandad and greatgrandpa all croaked in their 50s from heart issues, maybe not. Then again, living in the land of beer, cheese curds and brats might have had something to do with their issues.

Which might very well explain Ryan's attitude towards all forms of elder benefits – he doesn't think he'll live to use them, so fuck em all.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2012 at 2:23 am

Explains why he's a gym rat … he knows the system sucks, and he plans to make it worse.

ChapterUndVerse August 12, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Now I understand the Ryan plan. Much obliged.

For some reason I though he either just hated everybody or was going to live forever–not that those things are mutually exclusive.

Negropolis August 12, 2012 at 2:43 am

William Jennings Bryan ran for president, forever, too, and he was a helluva better candidate than Paul Ryan, bless his heart.

BarackMyWorld August 11, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I can't wait for the explanation why Budget Committee Chairman is valuable executive experience, but Biden's chairmanships of both Foreign Relations and Judiciary committees was not.

glasspusher August 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Never cloud the issue with facts.

Naked_Bunny August 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Especially when everyone hates your budgets.

Terry August 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Remember, consistency is not a valued trait among the GOP leaders and spin meisters.

Toomush_Infer August 11, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Because, Democrat, Duh!…don't count…

MozakiBlocks August 11, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Oh, I know this one.

Because he's the black guy's choice?

miss_grundy August 11, 2012 at 7:05 pm

It wasn't valuable because……he was a Democrat. But Prepboy as a budget chairman probably means to the Repubs that he has CEO-type experience.

Mittens Howell, III August 11, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I don't trust Ryan, because I don't trust anyone who would have Mitt Romney as his number 2.

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I see what you Cheneyd there.

kittensdontlie August 11, 2012 at 11:13 pm

I am surprised that Ryan would join a ticket for which he foolishly was chosen…shows a lack of judgement…hee…hee.

Mittens Howell, III August 11, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Alan Greenspan just came in his pants for the first time since 1984.

Naked_Bunny August 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I upfisted you despite the vomit. Just so you know.

tihond August 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Barbara Walters remembers that time fondly.

Negropolis August 12, 2012 at 2:45 am

Hell, Barbara remembers whe she walked over here with her family across the Bering Strait.

Come here a minute August 11, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I call Pants On Fire and a zillion Pinocchios! It can't be ending Medicare and Medicaid because his programs are still called "Medicare and Medicaid". And don't think your fancy trick of tacking on "as we know it" makes any difference, because, uh, freedom!

StarsUponThars August 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Plus, he was voted Biggest Brown-Noser in high school.

memzilla August 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

The End of the American Empire, so ably begun by eight f**king years of GW Shrub, will be fully accomplished if these two pandering corporatist a**hats are elected.

Congratulations, Rethuglicans! You're on track to accomplish what 75 years of Communism could not.

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:18 pm

'The End of the American Empire, dismantling of the New Deal, and transfer of what's left of the wealth to the top 1% — all while fooling the American public into thinking there's no class war going on — so ably begun 30 years ago, by Ronald f**king Raygun,

memzilla August 11, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Too much agreement with you!

Fukui-sanYesOta August 11, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Yes, this.

Limeylizzie August 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

If I hear anyone say " Obama and Romney are exactly the same" I will knee them in the bollocks or vagina, whichever is appropriate.

Come here a minute August 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Get them in both, just to be sure. Also … Obamneycare!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Punch em in the boob, too!

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Lizzie could employ the Rack of Doom [tm], and punch em in the boob WITH her boob.

Mittens Howell, III August 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Anyone who says that probably has a Ken / Barbie bump.

metamarcisf August 11, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Never mind the bollocks. Here's the the Weinermobile.

glasspusher August 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Milquetoast / Silver Spoon 2012!

Mittens Howell, III August 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Biden V Ryan debate will now be transformed into cage boxing format and be pay per view.

Thus making Paul Ryan suddenly grateful for his Government Sponsored Health Care Plan.

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I would hope it also makes him grateful for his government-assisted education. You know, the entitlement he doesn't want anyone else to have.

BarackMyWorld August 11, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I'm especially looking forward it, since Battlin' Joe won't be handicapped this time with "go easy on her because she's a girl."

Mittens Howell, III August 11, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Ryan's going to end up on his back, spitting teeth.

SpeedoFart August 11, 2012 at 7:05 pm

So, a normal Friday night, then?

Negropolis August 12, 2012 at 2:46 am

Spitting if he's lucky…

Spurning Beer August 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I hate him because "Ryan's Hope" was a crappy soap opera.

Mumbletypeg August 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Maeve/ Siobhan/ Jack Fenelli LIBEL!!1!

*names that first came to mind. The show might've been my earliest introduction to names of Irish/Gaelic origin that tweaked my interest in etymology derivations from other countries.

sharethegrief August 11, 2012 at 4:00 pm

You forgot Delia, crazy, conniving Delia.

Mumbletypeg August 11, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I'm having trouble picturing her among the other blondes, Faith and Kelli[? who appeared in Grease] but I do remember the name. Faith and Jillian were sisters. Who was Delia related to?

sharethegrief August 11, 2012 at 4:30 pm

She was married to Frank Ryan and had really long hair.
It's funny because I was always so disdainful of soaps but for a while, Ryan's Hope had me hooked.

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I liked Paddy (Malcolm Groome).

CindynEncinitas August 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

My sister and I still call our father "Da."

sufferinsuccotash August 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The next 87 days oughta be fun, watching Robme tap-dance his way to 38% of the popular vote trying to explain to the voters why he does/doesn't support the Ryan Plan.
Prediction: Texas in play by 10/1.

Joshua Norton August 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I wouldn't mind Ryan if his candidacy wiped out the memory of Palin. But no such luck. They're just creating another teabagger Frankenstien monster that will become another Fox/wingnut mouthpiece for the next 4 years.

The good news is Mitt is screwed. He knows it. We know it. Even Ann Coulter, Malkin and the Red Staters know it. The only one who doesn’t seem to know it is Peggy Noonan. Mainly because she hasn't sobered up since Reagan's funeral.

valthemus August 12, 2012 at 7:19 am

Don't underestimate the fervor of the "Anyone but Obama" crowd, many of whom are middle- and lower-middle-class workers who actually believe Romney is interested in improving their lives. Suckers.

Nothingisamiss August 12, 2012 at 3:23 pm

God, if only I could believe Mitt was screwed. The vile insanity and fox news knowledge is pervasive.

Weenus299 August 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

If democrats screw this up, it really will be their fault.

proudgrampa August 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

This fear is what keeps me in martinis.

NellCote71 August 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm

That's as good an excuse as any.

memzilla August 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm

As Will Rogers famously said, "I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat."

deanbooth August 11, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Well, except for the lies and the $$$$$$$$$$.

Sharkey August 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

This is Sharkey©®™ Incorporated LLC, how may I vote for you today?

Hera Sent Me August 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Romney / Ryan – The Dad N Lad ticket.

CheeseBro69 August 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Lets not forget he also paid for college with social security benefits http://www.wpri.org/WIInterest/Vol19No2/Schneider

Mittens Howell, III August 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Lovely tid-bit there.

shelwood46 August 11, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I'm sure Paul is eternally grateful to Saint Ronnie for not forcing him to receive four more years of survivor's benefits by cutting them off at 18 instead of all the way through college. I know when my dad died two weeks after the cut off date in October of '81, I was relieved to learn of all the money I would not be getting. Of course, I was giving the money I did get to my mother to pay for rent and food, not socking it away in a bank account, so clearly my perspective is skewed.

And it's adorable that Paul's mom "went back to school for Interior Design to make ends meet" with three kids in college and one in high school. Sounds like money was super tight for them.

Wadisay August 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

It's amazing what you can come up with when it doesn't have to make sense.

Dr. Nick Riviera August 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

OT: Has anyone else noticed that the trolls always hang out on our FB page? They're too afraid to come in here and play

metamarcisf August 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

There's a Facebook page, Dr. Nick? By the way, aren't you dead?

commiegirl99 August 11, 2012 at 4:46 pm

They're not allowed to come in here and play, Dr. Nick. We have secret passwords.

Grief_Lessons August 11, 2012 at 8:28 pm

I don't know the passwords. Does this mean that if I leave I'll never get back in?

CindynEncinitas August 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Fuck yeah!

lurker_above August 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

So in summary, the Ryan Plan will privatize anything and everything, raise your taxes if you make over $50,000 per year, cut them if you make over $200,000 per year, and end Medicare and Medicaid as we know it.

Aside from that, you'll totally love it.

Naked_Bunny August 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm

The 30% unemployment that happens as spending ceases and what's left of the economy grinds to a halt will be delightful.

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I always did like that Bonnie and Clyde style.

Negropolis August 12, 2012 at 2:48 am

We'll, you'll like it 'til the end. Everyone knows how they went out, right? Shot dozens of times…with painful votes, of course.

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:29 pm

On the plus side, soon there will be nothing left to eat but the rich.

kittensdontlie August 11, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Don't laugh, but they do taste like CHICKEN…and we know why.

Negropolis August 12, 2012 at 2:49 am

But the hawk feathers get caught in your teeth, too.

PuckStopsHere August 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Heartless just picked Mean to be his running mate. Baggers rejoice at the news, we presume.

glasspusher August 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Amercia? Does that mean "without Mercia"?

No mercy!

Mittens Howell, III August 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I bet Ann Coulter really grabbed Mitt's milque-nuts and squeezed as she told him who the VP was going to be.

Pragmatist2 August 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Romney has outsourced his economic policy to Ryan.
A case of the blind leading the bland.

Naked_Bunny August 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I assume the Thunderdomes that will inevitably be needed are going to be run by corporations.

glasspusher August 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Needz moar Hungrr gamezzz

Designer_Rants August 13, 2012 at 1:15 am

2 Leveraged Buy Outs enter!
1 Bankrupt Merger leaves!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

At least he's white and a man, so he has that going for him.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I am against America being murdered because I am not bilingual and am too dumb and lazy to learn a second language now, which limits my emigration options.

glasspusher August 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

You would think that wanting to leave here would demonstrate some intelligence, maybe they would pity you and take you in.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I think one of those not-in-debt European countries technically considers me a citizen since my dad was a citizen when I was born. I am sure they will be rethinking that policy when I move back to suckle on the socialist teat.

Designer_Rants August 13, 2012 at 1:17 am

You'll get to learn how Mexicans feel.

glasspusher August 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Oh, yeah, cut everything but defense, because freedumbs! Smaller gvt my narrow white ass.

Wadisay August 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm

You quit before you got to the part where the tooth fairy shows up to balance the federal budget.

Designer_Rants August 13, 2012 at 1:17 am

She's projected to show up sometime around 2070. Give or take a thousand years.

Mittens Howell, III August 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Wonder Bread / Mean Wonder Bread. 2012

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Mormon / Catholic 2012

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:33 pm

"Wonder Bread / Mean Wonder Bread"

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.
although I also would have accepted Thurston Howell/Eddie Munster.

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

OK, I get what everyone's saying about Ryan being a double-down on Rmoney's usual insanity and that means Hopey can just go play golf instead of campaigning. I agree that any 99%-American capable of reading the above paragraphs (which leaves out the majority in my state, I'm just sayin') would not vote for that. BUT.

Just imagine who/what (as in institutions) benefit beyond their wildest dreams from the proposed plutocracy. What would they be willing to do to create this Zillionaire's Wet Dream? Work with me now. The Republicans just turned 1% of our citizenry into Bond Villains. What could go wrong? I'm not even a dabbler in conspiracy theories on the average day, but I can't help but think this is a petri dish for a doozy.

I vote for the Rmoney/Ryan fanboys crashing the stock market on purpose in October. I just picked that one because I don't like violence. Any other ideas?

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Lets privatize social security and THEN crash the stock market. Everybody wins!

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Nice detail.

Goonemeritus August 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Senior management of most powerful corporations are not idiots, evil sure but not idiots they will watch the polls and give to Obama because they know he will win.

BerkeleyBear August 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm

These assholes are guys who, with a straight face, claimed they had to overpay on bonuses to keep the "talent" that drove the financial market off a cliff. While they might prefer Romney enough to throw money at him, they'd never risk their own livelihoods to make him win. That sort of exposure is for the little people.

Plus, in all seriousness, you are assuming way too much willingness to cooperate. Those assholes live to take little cuts out of each other – no way they'd hold a conscious conspiracy to tank the market together. They'd all be paranoid someone else would clean up – and even if they tried, Buffett, Soros et al would eat their lunch.

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm

OK, I feel better now. Still, I think the president should double his security.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

We the people vs. We the money.

Chet Kincaid_ August 11, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Nobody is saying Hopey can just go play golf instead of campaigning.

finallyhappy August 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Powerball has a big jackpot tonight – I am going to buy a ticket and then give most of the money(200 M? ) to a PAC which will be dedicated to telling the truth about mittens and Granny starver- the Dems won't do it. I will use the rest to pay for drinks at the Atlanta meet-up. OK maybe I won't buy a ticket- so no drinks on me.

SigDeFlyinMonky August 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm

The Publicans just threw in the towel. All of this is aimed at reassuring and consolidating the delusional base, as said base declines into an ossified topor of familiar prejudices.

Riggsveda August 11, 2012 at 3:41 pm

"Those who purchase health insurance get a non-taxable sum of $2300 in the beginning of the year, unless they are on military health plans or Medicare and joint filers get $5700 for the entire family."

I share my health insurance costs with my employer (even though I am a government employee leech who does no work and steals from the taxpayers). It's an Aetna HMO, and it costs over $12 thousand a year to cover me and my partner-in-theft. I also have friends who are self-employed who are paying almost $2000 per month.

Ryan can take his $5700 and shove it up his tight little Randian ass. Or better yet, spend it on wine when he takes some Job Creators out for dinner.

Goonemeritus August 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Well that settles it I’m going to start looking for a job that pays over $250k.

Gorillionaire August 11, 2012 at 3:44 pm

All I know is that the VP debate is gonna be a fucking laugh riot.

MozakiBlocks August 11, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I might actually watch this. Sic 'em Joey B.

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:36 pm

After which they will do nothing but whine about how MEAN our side is, and whatever happened to civility in the public discourse, wah wah wah.

Chet Kincaid_ August 11, 2012 at 7:53 pm

That will be how we know it's working.

Designer_Rants August 13, 2012 at 1:24 am

Why are liberals so ANGRY?

That actually does make me angry sometimes, since it conjure up a mental image of a teatard at an Obama rally with a rifle strapped to his back, or all the other teatards just bein' tardy. And angry. And racist.

Edith_Prickly August 11, 2012 at 8:49 pm

that was my first thought too. Handsome Joe is going to squish Paulie Randnuts into a greasy little stain on the floor

Mumbletypeg August 11, 2012 at 3:46 pm

So what if this Ryan guy is full of FAIL. The teatards and quackbaits kited their bullshit metrics and judgment capacity infinitum ago. The real indicator of leadership potential is, to me it seems, found at the end of Ryan's wiki "Personal":

Ryan is a deer hunter and he makes his own bratwurst and Polish sausage.[9]

It's clear he is eminently equipped for making the law flow underregulated from violated warm-blooded innards as surely as he makes sausages. The meretricious electorate, however, will simply let this folksy side hobby endear him to them as they did Palin fluffing her "mooseburger" expertise.

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 4:48 pm

A free concert from Ted Nugent can't be far off.

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:38 pm

"Ryan is a deer hunter and he makes his own bratwurst and Polish sausage."

Wasn't there another guy from Wisconsin who was also a deer hunter who did that, too?
What was his name, Ed? Ed something? Ed Gein?

not that Dewey August 12, 2012 at 7:18 am

Mitt picked him to go after the "kill and field-dress a moose/mooseburger" vote.

deanbooth August 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Will there be IRAs where $6000/year will get you $100 million?

NellCote71 August 11, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I really, really want one of those.

Naked_Bunny August 11, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Yeah, if you include the "enormous inheritance" option.

Designer_Rants August 13, 2012 at 1:26 am

Don't forget the strange side effect of having one of those magical IRAs: Never pay taxes again!

MinAgain August 11, 2012 at 4:08 pm

How can anyone take a man who idolizes Ayn Rand seriously? I mean, sure. Ayn Rand changed my life…for about three months. But I was 19 years old and thought I was going to rule the world one day.

I got over it.

NellCote71 August 11, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I read it when I was 15. I was already living with a pack of narcissistic sociopaths, so the concept didn't exactly capture my adolescent imagination.

shelwood46 August 11, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I managed to avoid Rand (maybe because I'm a girl), but made the mistake of reading Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth fantasy series, which is just one long (really long) Randian screed. There's an entire book devoted to showing why Buddhist philosophy and non-violence is Evil. And lots and lots of rape and torture. It's really horrific all around.

doloras August 11, 2012 at 10:29 pm

THIS WAS NO CHICKEN. IT WAS EVIL MANIFEST.

shelwood46 August 11, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Man, that part went on forever, with as little payoff as most of the stuff that happened.

spareme August 11, 2012 at 8:09 pm

That bitch ruined my life for about a month – thats how long it took me to read that over written, insane bullshit. If she handed a doctoral thesis in based on these theroies fo hers, that I had to review, I would of flunked her for boring me to death. Whatever points she tried to make that were worthy were negated by her OCD writing style. I want my month back.

Tangled sin tax August 12, 2012 at 1:17 am

That's a late 20th century American male rite of passage, isn't it? 18-yo freshman in college here; totally full of Rand and myself for about 6 weeks. Then my sillymeter exploded and I resumed normal life. How can people like Ryan actually spend their lives in that bubble? I'm giving extra loot to the Dems this time and I may even dare an Obama yard sign; though in Eastern Oregon that makes you Evil and Other. Not a pleasant existence in a small town.

MinAgain August 12, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I think, in order for Rand to have any lasting impact on a person, he has to believe that he's morally and intellectually superior to everyone else and that he therefore deserves to triumph while others fail. It dovetails nicely with the concept of American exceptionalism.

ChapterUndVerse August 12, 2012 at 5:50 pm

I'm with you on that, including the yard sign. Although I'm in a moar librul area (currently under siege from wingnutz, sadly).

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Let me get this straight.

The Republican party is about to nominate for the Presidency an entitled draft dodging inherited-wealth billionaire with a secrecy fetish who's sole business experience embodies the worst aspects of Gordon Gekko style predatory capitalism and who is by far the first in the running for the Most Unlikable Candidate ever.

Then, He thinks it would be a swell idea to pick as a Vice President the Congressional Budget Committee Chairman who has no business experience whatsoever, is an acolyte of a dead Atheist Russian author who deified wealth and created a philosophy based wholly upon greed, drafted budget proposals that were so frightening that Republicans refused to be seen with them and who thinks that all government social aid programs are Immoral and churches will magically spring into the breach to save the poor when said programs all are summarily eliminated.

By picking Ryan, Romney's nationalized all the downticket races by irrecoverably welding himself to the most unpopular Congress since polling was invented and – hands down – the most radical and regressive economic proposals since before the Great Depression. And the Republicans think this is a Good Thing.

This all looks crazy to me. Am I missing something?

Naked_Bunny August 11, 2012 at 4:23 pm

You're missing Ryan's purty face and aw-shucks charm, which is all the MSM will talk about.

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Ooh, that's right! Not to mention the fact that he's a Very Serious Thinker who's ready to make those hard choices to balance our budget. O'course, the Hammer from those Hard Choices will never fall on him, his friends, financiers or many of his constituents because LOOK OVER THERE SHINY THING!

Chet Kincaid_ August 11, 2012 at 7:56 pm

He creeps me the fuck out. There must be something wrong with me.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 11, 2012 at 11:41 pm

No, there's something very right with you.

viennawoods13 August 12, 2012 at 9:21 pm

No, you're spot on. He makes my flesh crawl.

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I don't know why you don't trust Faith-Based Initiatives. They worked so well under the Cheney Administration.

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Something about trusting Peer Review and Evidence Based Decision making more. I know, I know I'm only part of the "Reality Based Community" so I don't count.

Naked_Bunny August 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Something about trusting Peer Review and Evidence Based Decision making more.

Pfft. Commie.

Mittens Howell, III August 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Ayn Rand, Russian Atheist. You gotta fucking love that.

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm

It gives me a chuckle every time I see it.

MinAgain August 11, 2012 at 5:09 pm

The hand of God.

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 5:13 pm
HistoriCat August 11, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Stone him!

NYNYNYjr August 11, 2012 at 5:38 pm

The party of Romney, Ryan and Rand. And Rascals.

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

And, don't forget the [REDACTED].

NYNYNYjr August 11, 2012 at 6:30 pm

rednecks?

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 6:44 pm

This post has been sent to the Naughty Room for imprudent usage of the R-Word.

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:39 pm

"by far the first in the running for the Most Unlikable Candidate ever"

Bob Dole approves of this comment, mainly because it knocks Bob Dole out of first place.

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Bob's sitting in his study, watching CSPAN and chuckling as he tops off his tumbler of Ardbeg.

Way back when I saw a Dole-Kemp bumper sticker that had been artfully spliced to read DOPE-KELP. After the election, of course.

MonkeyMotion August 11, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Let the games begin!

Paul Ryan, may we see your birth certificate? College transcripts? Tax returns? Have you ever run a business? Can you see Russia from your living room?

Take your time…we'll wait.

Graham Cracker August 11, 2012 at 7:34 pm

…and what newspapers do you read?

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Imagine how different the world would be if all those brooding teenagers that got hooked up with Atlas Shrugged read Ursula K. LeGuin's The Dispossed instead.

EDIT: Yes, yes, I know – We're an Anarcho-Syndicalist Commune!

BerkeleyBear August 11, 2012 at 4:44 pm

We have the ultimate combo here, Mitt Romney the hair cutter and Paul Ryan the suck up.

Bully/Brown-noser 2012! Woo hoo!

smokingood August 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm

So, when do I get my cake?

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

The major media companies of the U.S. need to think twice before giving this GOP ticket their usual gloss-over. They're making piles of filthy lucre on movies like The Hangover 27 and The Undead 44, TV programs like Jersey Shore and The Bachelor, and video games like Assassin's Creed and Shadows of the Damned. How's that going to work under a Mormon/Catholic administration?

And they thought Tipper Gore was a problem?

NYNYNYjr August 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm

They don't have to worry it's more like a Mammonite/Randian Atheist. Their disguises are pretty thin.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 11, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Assassin's Creed isn't known for a pro catholic bias.

slowhansolo August 11, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I was at a townhall a couple years ago with a bunch of well-heeled olds and the local congressman, who spent an hour touting Ryan Plan One in the nicely-appointed great hall of a hugely expensive assisted living community. *evil chuckle* "So let me start off by asking: How many of you here today are older than 50?" *dry hand washing*

Hands shot up, but most weren't buying it. One adorable old gal stood demurely and asked why the congressmen thought she wouldn't give a rip for her kids and grandkids, just because nothing would change for her. I think I fell in love, just a little.

Which is all well and good. But what about the less cosmopolitan olds, the ones embittered by hard experience, lack of money, racist upbringing, fear of everything, confusion at a world they no longer or never did understand, those small enough to care only for themselves? You know, the other 90 percent. (Am I wrong about it being 90 percent? I sure hope so.)

ttommyunger August 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I smell a feature-length movie: "Saving Ryan's Privates!".

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 10:52 pm

The sequel could be "Shaving Ryan's Privates".

ttommyunger August 11, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Hopefully with a dull machete.Sent from my iPhone

BlueStateLibel August 11, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Hey, where's that commercial showing Paul Ryan pushing granny in a wheelchair off a cliff? I knew I put it somewhere around here. Oh, wait, here it is, enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGnE83A1Z4U enjoy.

NYNYNYjr August 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm

"anything that is not “military spending,” such as foreign aid, assistance to veterans and federal funding for schools and roads would be cut by over two-thirds."

Wow– so he'd cut foreign aid to Israel by over 2/3s? That's amazing. I can't wait to hear more about this development in the debates.

TribecaMike August 11, 2012 at 6:00 pm

If Ryan is elected, the federal government will send every American a copy of Atlas Shrugged as a Christmas present, with the mandate that it must be read.

Dudleydidwrong August 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Wonketeers will send everyone in the US a copy of the Cliffs Notes on Atlas. We'll beat these devious sucky bastards yet.

valthemus August 12, 2012 at 7:25 am

I thought we still had at least a few rules left limiting the use of torture and "cruel and unusual punishments."

Mumbly_Joe August 11, 2012 at 6:33 pm

In the Ryan Plan, Social Security becomes an opt-out system wherein you’re given a personal account to which you contribute annually, administered by a Social Security Savings Account Board, and then when you retire, you get payments from your account in the form of an annuity.

So, the Bush privatization plan, basically. It's interesting to read between the lines here, though, as under this plan, Social Security would be simultaneously:

a) Paying out benefits to current beneficiaries
b) Organized into individual investments accounts that pay out full benefits to account-holders upon maturity.

Which only works if you spend twice the value of the Social Security fund at some point, based on elementary arithmetic. Of course, the actual Republican strategy for paying for this is to not pay for it, but instead just count each dollar twice, and be totally surprised when the Social Security fund suddenly goes bankrupt (hopefully under a Democratic president).

And then they have the gall to say that the current system is a Ponzi scheme.

C_R_Eature August 11, 2012 at 6:42 pm

By George, I think you're got it!

Fukui-sanYesOta August 11, 2012 at 11:46 pm

and it misses the major point of a social system, in that if you're unlucky and get, say, bone cancer even though you've never smoked or done anything wrong … you get only what you put in.

that means you're dead. death-panel deaddy mcdeadster. no re-dos.

he doesn't miss the point of a social system, he doesn't care, because he's a heartless cunt.

Fuck him, and fuck Romney too.

Generation[redacted] August 13, 2012 at 1:29 am

Does he say how big the annuity will be? Or will it be based on the market value of your shares at time of retirement?

johnnyzhivago August 11, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Also a big fat liar about his girlfriend Ayn Rand:
http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/05/p

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I'm already sick of him.

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Shorter Ryan Plan:

Away with excess enemy
But no less value to property
No sense in war but perfect sense at home:

The sun beams down on a brand new day
No more welfare tax to pay
Unsightly slums gone up in flashing light
Jobless millions whisked away
At last we have more room to play
All systems go to kill the poor tonight

starfanglednut August 11, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Now that we have a neutron bomb.

Chet Kincaid_ August 11, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Is it going too far to call these kinds of Republican plans genocidal? I don't think so. They are not shoving people before firing squads or gassing them, but the long-term effect and callous disregard is the same. So long as people are dying quietly somewhere off budget, they feel their hands and consciences are clean.

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 10:56 pm

"Is it going too far to call these kinds of Republican plans genocidal?"

Sure, why not?
Their policies toward women pretty much equate to honor killing, just in slow motion.

BlueStateLibel August 12, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Call it for what it is, there's lots of ways to "eliminate" the undesirables, just ask the Brits about what they did to the Irish. Which even more pisses me off about Ryan, because he's Irish and should know better.

comrad_darkness August 11, 2012 at 7:39 pm

No worries, we can all panhandle from the defense contractors who will be wasting so much carte blanche government monies that they will feel guilty and share a little of it.

grex1949 August 11, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I'd be a little concerned about a "trickle-down" theory when that "trickle" comes from a drone. Could be a negative experience.

Generation[redacted] August 13, 2012 at 1:39 am

Oh yes, we will all have our fill of hobo beans then, at least until the defense contractors are hired to clear out the panhandlers.

Chet Kincaid_ August 11, 2012 at 7:40 pm

The last time I gave Ayn Rand half a thought was while listening to a dopey album with a butt-naked guy and pentagram on the cover. I had all but forgotten it and her by the time "London Calling" came out, and so had the guys who made it.

HistoriCat August 11, 2012 at 10:10 pm
Boojum August 12, 2012 at 12:20 am

100 years from now, the passage to Bangkok will open.

valthemus August 12, 2012 at 7:34 am

So when part 2 of the "Atlas Shrugged" movie trilogy comes out you won't be downloading wallpapers from the web site? The first part was a brilliant cinematic triumph according to the 15 individuals with extraordinarily bad taste who actually saw it.

Generation[redacted] August 13, 2012 at 1:42 am

Best make-out session in an empty theater ever.

ryanmer August 11, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Too many numbers. Needs more boobs.

TribecaMike August 11, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Overnight polls are showing that 99% of voters think Paul Ryan is Eric Cantor.

glamourdammerung August 11, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Any bets on how long it is going to take for someone to ask Ryan how many years in tax returns he gave Romney's people?

Jukesgrrl August 12, 2012 at 3:13 am

I saw some footage of his very Williamsburg-looking house on TV today and wondered where a fellow like that, who was a poor boy who's daddy died and left him the man of the family, could come up with the cash for it when he's supposedly devoted his life to public service. I know Congressmen make more money than your average American. But his salary alone is not enough to come up with a pile like that. Supposedly the Mrs. is a tax attorney. Maybe Mitt's tax returns aren't the only ones we should be yelling for.

Jennyjen798 August 11, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Romney and Ryan's presidential career flushed down the toilet in one campaign? It's so beautiful man!

valthemus August 12, 2012 at 7:29 am

I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.

PubOption August 11, 2012 at 8:54 pm

So under the Romney/Ryan plan, health insurance exchanges will be encouraged. The Republicans in Missouri are all squawking about refusing to set up the exchanges under the ACA. Tap-dancing to follow, I imagine.

Troubledog August 11, 2012 at 8:54 pm

He's won Rupert Murdoch's vote! Yes!

TribecaMike August 11, 2012 at 9:11 pm

In an interview on Fox News tonight, Ryan said if elected he'd "clean up the smut" shown on television. "For instance," he told Megyn Kelly, "Did you know that on NBC right now they're showing nothing but watersports? Disgusting."

Xan August 11, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I miss Ryan's Medicare cut off by 15 days. This is good to know so far ahead, helps me plan the euthanasia more precisely.

Barrelhse August 11, 2012 at 10:04 pm

I assume that Congressional types will also get a $2300 voucher at the beginning of the year with which to purchase THEIR fucking health insurance, correct?

DustBowlBlues August 11, 2012 at 10:45 pm

The biggest attack ad on the pair would be an airing of the interview with his dead girl friend, She-Of-The-Disgustingly-Nicotine-Stained-Teeth. Like his plan for social security, and a few weeks ago he "opted out" of the atheist part of his honey's philosophy, aka, I've got mine. Fuck you.

Bull shit. He didn't mention opting out of the atheist part when he required all new staffers in his office to read Atlas Heaved, or whatever it's called. Plus, that's like saying you broke up with a guy you are still dating, because you have opted out of sitting through his bands practice sessions in his parents' basement. You believe his band can still make it, or you are not going to be his girl friend.

His honey was a soulless atheist, but he wants to claim he is only going with the soulless part and not the atheist part.

Personally, I think a great attack ad would be just a clip of her interview shown in a split screen with Ryan and a caption about this is his inspiration for going into public office."

Fuck it. Long day, so it's nitey-nite for me. 'Later, losers.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 11, 2012 at 11:48 pm

I take a little exception to this being an atheist. I'd like to make clear I'm not a heartless cunt.

Thank you.

misanthrope August 12, 2012 at 1:44 am

Fuck I'm going to need to make a lot more or a lot less money, this makes my head hurt.

Negropolis August 12, 2012 at 2:58 am

I want Obama & Co. to absolutely wreck this guy. The gloves are off, the vision clear, now it's time to put in the work. I want to see Occupy and anyone with any kind of opinion just cold protest these two whever they decide to show their faces, particularly up here in the Rust Belt. This insult to our intelligence will not stand.

Zepster August 12, 2012 at 8:52 am

How many years of tax returns did Ryan have to turn over to Willard Mittenphoos Romney ?

rocktonsam August 12, 2012 at 9:08 am

can I haz a job and moniez now?

christianmaxwell August 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I think alot of you are forgetting three things: first, that the majority of Americans aren't paying attentions to the details of this plan, secondly they routinely vote against their won interests, and finally they will eagerly embrace obviously bad ideas.

savagemike August 13, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Despite all the Right's shouted accusations of Class Warfare, they're the ones who are apparently prepared to actually engage in such.

This man is a skidmark on the underpants of America.

tessiee August 11, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Delia (my second favorite bad girl after Erica Kane) was played by Ilene Kristen. She had long, very blonde hair, was very busty and top-heavy, and had sort of Nordic-looking face with a square jaw. She was originally in love with Paddy, but married Frank, who was in love with Faith, by pretending to be pregnant. Years later, she surfaced on "The Sopranos" in a cameo where she was smoking in the non-smoking section of a fancy restaurant.

Mary Ryan (Kate Mulgrew) went on to play Commander Janeway.

not that Dewey August 11, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Or, as Conan O'Brien likes to say, "'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo."

CindynEncinitas August 13, 2012 at 3:50 pm

The ever-resolute Meeree (roll the r).

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