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Meet Your New Vice Presidential Candidate, The One and Only History’s Greatest Monster, Paul Ryan

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Well how about that. Mitt Romney has chosen that nice young Boy Scout from down the street who’s offered to fix our finances, Rep. Paul Ryan, to be his presidential running mate.

A few things about Paul Ryan: He wants to end Medicare and give people (those who are 55 and younger at the time of passage) coupons to buy private insurance plans on the market instead. Those coupons would be explicitly designed not to keep up with medical inflation, ensuring seniors pay higher out-of-pocket costs each year until the market collapses.

He wants to convert Medicaid and food stamps into block grants sent to the states at sharply reduced levels. He wants to bring non-defense discretionary spending down to 3% of the federal budget. He wants to slash taxes on the wealthy, giving them an average 12.5% in additional after-tax income. The only reason his budgets haven’t said a word about privatizing or dramatically cutting benefits in Social Security is because his fellow congressmen demanded he not take that on in addition to everything else, at this point. He voted for the Iraq War, Medicare Part D, and TARP.

The Ryan Budget is not just about saving money. He thinks broad social spending programs are immoral in how they foster “dependency.” There’s no other reason to cut every modest discretionary program like that.

Paul Ryan worships Ayn Rand, a sociopath who sneered at those who would give to charity.

So let’s see some campaign ads and shit, right?

Congratulations to Rep. Paul Ryan and his family, who have much to be proud of tonight.

[USA Today]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • bumfug

    Pro tip for Mitt: If you're gonna choose a Munster, go with Herman.

    • TribecaMike

      Nobody ever appreciates Eddie. Sob. http://www.markymunster.com/markymunster210.jpg

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Or Marilyn. She's a mere trivia answer much like the 2012 Republican ticket aspires to be.

        • TribecaMike

          Bit o' trivia — Beverley Owen, who played Marilyn Munster, has a master's degree in Early American History.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Didn't he play bass for Manson in the 90's?

          • Fare la Volpe

            Bit o' more trivia, Pat Priest, Marilyn's second actress, said in interviews that literally anyone could have played Marilyn and no one would have noticed.

          • JustPixelz

            Here's a bit of early American trivia. The first Wonkette post: http://wonkette.com/2881/lets-play-doctor

    • LibertyLover

      I think Spot would have been a good choice.

      • TribecaMike

        See Mitt run. See Spot pee on Mitt's leg. Pee, Spot, pee!

      • tessiee

        He was too big to fit on top of the car.

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      Ryan is Eddie
      Mitt is Herman
      McCain is Grandpa
      Coulter is Marilyn (gag)
      Bachmann is Lily
      Rafacla is Spot

      • bumfug

        Not buying it – Herman was a sweet guy with a winning personality. If Mitt is a character from fiction he's C3PO, except less manly.

        • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

          All the Munsters were nice, this would be the evil Republican version. I think Mitt makes a good Evil Herman, because he's the titular leader but is pretty airheaded and can get really bratty and foot-stompy. He is also made from human parts, but is not a real human. Sadly, I could talk about this analogy for days.

  • bumfug

    When Mitt shows up on that Navy ship tomorrow, ya think there'll be a big "Mission Accomplished" banner and his codpiece'll look like he's got Rafalca's junk in there?

    • nounverb911

      Rafalca's a girl horse, Mitt'll have to borrow Ann Coulters instead.

      • bumfug

        Doesn't matter if Rafalca's a girl, it'll still be bigger than Mitt's real junk.

  • bumfug

    "Well, choosing Ryan for VP – this changes everything!" – said nobody, anywhere, ever.

    • soeoho

      Moot Romney

      • not that Dewey

        GOAL!

    • Naked_Bunny

      Oh, I'm sure there are plenty of independents who might have voted for him that now won't.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        But he did lock up the people who might have voted for Obama, but are thrilled with Ryan. I understand they're both of voting age.

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      It took some doing, but Mitt succeeded in finding a VP candidate more loathsome than himself. And going with the "Kill Medicare" guy when Florida is a key swing state? Well played, Mittens, well played.

      • miss_grundy

        You would be surprised to find how many stupid people there are in Florida who would vote to kill their own Medicare….I guess it must be from all that sun shining on their bald heads….

        • horsedreamer_1

          Just the ones who think it's a private sector program.

      • tessiee

        Meh, old people hardly ever vote.

    • CivicHoliday

      you're very prolific this morning

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    On a "middle class" ticket… This shit just writes itself.
    However, they are so natural together–like two robots fracking.

    • GemlikeFlame

      What's odd is that he doesn't look like either Cheney or Palin at all.

  • nounverb911

    Someone needs to remind Ryan that all the politicians die at the end of "Atlas Shrugged".

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Hey hey, SPOILER ALERT.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        For that book you'll avoid reading like the plague for the rest of your life.

        • James Michael Curley

          I read Atlas Shrugged in HS (1962-66) because the town was full of Birchers. Didn't jive with my beliefs/feelings at that age. After the Army I went to college and came across Adam Smith's 'Wealth of Nations' and realized all the hype about Ayn Rand's free market philosophy was totally distorted and wrong if compared to real world economics.

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      But He'll be ok, his libertarian zombies would never hurt him. Right?

      • comrad_darkness

        Do they own lots of guns? Votes. I mean votes.

    • Naked_Bunny

      The key psychological point about libertarians is that they always, always assume they'll be the ones on top.

      • tessiee

        Also, they assume this for no reason that I can see. All the libertarians I've ever met are lower middle class to middle middle class at best, with no academic or career distinctions in any way.

    • Beowoof

      I keep meaning to read it, but such a bleak view of people keeps me away. And I wouldn't give three cents to buy it. And there is so much other good stuff at the library.

      • rickmaci

        Pick it up some day when you have an urge to read the turgid prose of a narcissistic atheist..

        • viennawoods13

          Anthem is shorter. I still wanted to throw it against the wall. I was forced to read it in high school. What I remember best is that when the man and woman fled the bad city and found free home in country, he was enthralled by the books and she was enthralled by the clothes.

        • tessiee

          If I had to read the turgid prose of a narcissistic atheist (or I suppose I should say, *another* narcissistic atheist, since I probably qualify as one), Christopher Hitchens is at least intelligent and interesting. Also, I don't loathe him with every cell in my body.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Bugs Bunny is on, also.

  • bumfug

    "I can't just say I give up, they'll stop sending money – wait, I know! I'll pick Ryan!"

    • WhiteyMcFlyover

      Perfect choice! It makes everyone except moderate Republicans happy, and hell, there are only six of them left, screw em!

  • bumfug
    • Isyaignert

      Thanks – that's sweet. I'm going to share with my friends.

      • bumfug

        Go for it, that's why I make these things.

    • tessiee

      I love it!
      That actually made me laugh in that loud, jack-assy way you do when you're surprised into laughing.
      Good job!

    • miss_grundy

      I put it on my Facebook page, I hope you don't mind!

      • bumfug

        Like I told isyaignert above, that's why I make 'em.

    • Jimmyone

      Good one. I had the same reaction, but a second later I realized we are so screwed if the unthinkable happened.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      See, if you were a wingnut, you'd charge $1,995 for a deluxe print!

  • IceCreamEmpress

    Mittens has a gift. It's a gift.

    Holy fuck, way to lose the Boomer vote. Also, Biden v. Ryan is going to be an amazing debate.

    • BerkeleyBear

      You just know Biden's gonna wind up so po'd at that brown noser's face that he's gonna smash it in.

      And we will all cheer.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I'd pay to see that!

      • horsedreamer_1

        From "can I call you Joe/say it ain't so, Joe" to snaps about his hair plugs. We already know what Paulie's quips will be.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Okay, when I posted this I had no idea Ryan was actually voted "biggest "brown-noser"" of his high school class. Dude just vibes douchebag/Eddie Haskell.

    • ms_mcgee

      Who's going to teach Ryan how to wink?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Or wear hooker pumps.

        • not that Dewey

          "fancy pageant walkin"

          • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

            Parade wave, too.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      Poor Chris Matthews. Who will send a thrill up his leg now?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        He said that about Hopey. You're thinking of that wingnut who saw "starbursts".

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          I thought that was Chimpy in his flight suit (with requisite codpiece).

    • tessiee

      Ryan will be able to keep up with Biden about as well as the cute little toddler girl in the pink dress could outrun Obama.

    • HamsterSandwich

      Delawarean here and a Biden supporter since 1972. However, Joe has been know to activate his tongue a minute or two before his brain approves of the comment. Joe's gaffes are legendary, getting close to Dubya's, but way below Dan Quayle's. I'm not so sure a Biden v. Ryan debate would be a slam-dunk for Joe.

      • BerkeleyBear

        I don't think it matters what Joe actually says in a debate. Debates are almost never won on substance but on the emotional impression people take from them And Joe, even in his worst gaffes, is so utterly sincere and disarming that he should absolutely crush Ryan. Ryan comes across as an utterly insincere suck up on his own – next to Joe Biden, he's going to be in deep trouble.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          They're not a stupid man's gaffes, they're an affable man's gaffes.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Gaffable!

          • Nothingisamiss

            YES.

        • IceCreamEmpress

          Gaffer Joe is now old enough to be adorable instead of weird when he gaffes it up.

  • DrunkIrishman

    John McCain thinks this is a great choice.

    • http://dailyworldwatch.wordpress.com/ DWW

      He has got more Foreign Policy knowledge than McCain Palin combined apparently. http://blog.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2012/04/05/wh

      • TribecaMike

        I beleive it. How much of the world can one see from a North Vietnam tiger cage anyway?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Since McCain made such a great choice four years ago, we know that he is the master (bater) of picking VPs.

    • miss_grundy

      Yeeeesssssss, the same guy who allowed Palin to be his running mate. Yeah, a$$hole!

    • tessiee

      John McCain thinks this is a great choice.
      …By comparison.

    • aussiefromafar

      Say no more.

  • Typodong3

    Perfect. Now Romney will be inescapably tied to Ryan's budget mess, and his candidacy is shot to hell. Seriously, why not just give up now Mittens. You cant do ANYTHING right.

    • zumpie

      Event the way he did this is sucky and pathetic – announcing his announcement at 11PM on a Friday, for Saturday morning after yet another dreadful week and plummetting poll numbers looks soooooooo well planned. Not to mention the lame assed leak. And bolstering it with claims of double digit bounces.

      You'd think it was a news dump about quitting his post as governor after half a term…

    • miss_grundy

      And the campaign is denouncing Ryan's budget plans. So, how is this supposed to work? You select the guy and then say you don't want anything to do with his platform????

  • nounverb911

    Has Ryan ever created a job? Has Ryan ever had a job?

    • zwoits

      cook at McDonalds! He didn't have the personality for customer service.

    • dadanarchistmk2

      Apparently he once drove the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.

      No shit.

      Gave him experience being a giant dick.

      • tessiee

        The steering wheel is a giant onion ring.
        *jealous*

      • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

        OK, I have to admit, I'm actually impressed by that.

        • bobbert

          The Wienermobile is not a big fucking deal in Wisconsin.

        • finallyhappy

          for 3 months the Weinermobile was parked on and off at Summit Hill Apartments in Silver Spring- I met the young women who were the drivers-several weinermobiles go around the US – or so they said. What excitement for our neighborhood

      • tessiee

        "he once drove the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile"

        God knows it wasn't the Bookmobile.

    • HogeyeGrex
    • aussiefromafar

      possibly a blow job…..

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Oooo, making the announcement from the Nauticus museum, where the great battleship Wisconsin is berthed. My hometown is getting its moment in the sun! Unfortunately it is for Mittens and the zombie-eyed granny-starver Paul Ryan. Sigh. The little city that couldn't.

    • Isyaignert

      "…zombie-eyed granny-starver" would make a great bumper sticker.

    • bobbert

      You're from Janesville? Missed that somehow. (Shorewood here, long since).

      How did this fool ever get out of high school with such a poor grasp of arithmetic?

      • Negropolis

        I think he's talking about Norfolk (Naw-fuck).

        • bobbert

          Aha. That makes sense, now that I re-read the comment. My second question stands.

        • bibliotequetress

          Ahh yes. The Norfolk Christian Academy fight song: "We don't drink! We don't smoke! Naw-fuck! Naw-fuck!"

          Hmmm, are there a preponderance of military brats on Wonkette? If so, we should launch an anthropological study to determine how we all ended up here.

          • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

            Actually not a military brat. Just had some ancestors who found their way there back in the 1800s, and it took a couple of generations for at least a few of us to find our way out.

          • bibliotequetress

            Tidewater is like that. One false step into the mud, and next thing you know you're eating fried oysters, thinking Pat Robertson makes sense, and thirty years pass. Happened to my dad.

            Nothing wrong with fried oysters though.

      • finallyhappy

        and someone mentioned Rockford yesterday! Janesville has a Target where I bought a futon- that is all I can say about Janesville

    • thebeatgoeson

      thumbs up for the Charlie Pierce quote!

    • dennis1943

      My wife cosiders this a desecration of her birthplace………….

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      "Zombie-eyed granny-starver" I promote this as the official Ryan Nickname de Plume! "Lord High Hairgel and the Zombie-Eyed Granny-Starver" has a nice ring to it, like an Elton John album from 1973.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Heh heh, indeed. As noted by thebeatgoeson, zombie-eyed granny-starver is not my own construction, but I think it should go into much wider circulation.

  • TribecaMike

    Dang, my money was on Dana Delany.

    • tessiee

      Or possibly on Delaney Driscoll.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    Ooh, that will bring in the always-coveted Soulless Husk vote! Well played, Mittens McMoneyBaggs. Well played!

  • http://tactilepeggy.wordpress.com/ Pap Finn

    Jesus, did Willard just give up on Florida, or is he betting that the geezers down there hate That Nigra more than they love their Medicare?

    Wow.

    • Guppy

      Have you seen The Villages?

      There are reasons why Patrick McGoohan wanted to GTFO.

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        Those hate-bags love a good zombie-eyed granny starver. (Thanks Opus!)
        They've got theirs, fuck everyone else.

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ gogogodzilla

      THEIR Medicare is fine–it's ours that get taken away. Win-win for the geezers.

    • bikerlaureate

      Remember that Medicare fraudster that was elected governor last time around?

  • dadanarchistmk2

    If the 1983 Labour Party platform was the "longest suicide note in history," with the Ryan pick, the 2012 GOP platform promises to be the stupidest.

  • just_a_head

    I'm blown away. Mittens has reached a new stupidity low with this one.

    My grandfather would say that Romney is crazier than a shithouse rat and/or really doesn't know whether to shit or wind his watch.

    • Larry McAwful

      Yeah, but then Paul Ryan would go and cut your grandfather's Social Security, so they're even.

    • Guppy

      Great, now the eds are going to post That Picture again.

    • tessiee

      "Romney […] really doesn't know whether to shit or wind his watch"

      He has People to do both of those things *for* him.

      • just_a_head

        True, but it is ever so important to give clear instructions to the help. Dear god, can you imagine what they would come up with if left to use their own judgment?!

        Now bring me another gin and tonic! Try to get it right this time! One and three-quarters lime wedges! Wedges! Not slices! Le sigh.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    It's like Chrimbus in August! I look forward to the collective American gasp as the 90% of us who don't pay any attention to politics suddenly realize this guy would throw everyone's gramma under the bus.

    • bobbert

      It's not anybody's gramma. It's YOU.

    • finallyhappy

      or in my case, my husband!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      As one of the grampas who is married to a gramma, I look forward to being thrown under the bus. It is a much quicker way to go than to starve on Kibble and cat food that we will be doing under the Romney/Ryan emperorship. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em with a meat cleaver.

      • PuckStopsHere

        Fuck 'em with votes, you mean.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        We've got your back, gramps!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Today, we are all grammas, under this bus.

  • Tribbz

    You know who else led from behind?

    • nounverb911

      Lindsey Graham?

    • bumfug

      Marcus Bachmann?

    • tessiee

      Sir Mix-a-Lot?

      • bobbert

        Affection is not necessarily leadership.

        • tessiee

          That fuckin' guy's phone must STILL be ringing off the hook.

    • billy_reuben

      Tapeworms?

    • hollywooddood

      Christine O'Donnell?

    • C_R_Eature

      The med tech with the Proctoscope?

    • Barrelhse

      It must have been that Priest.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Alexis Texas?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        You scalawag!

    • redarmyzombie

      Richard Nixon?

  • coolhandnuke

    Vulture/Voucher 2012

    • zumpie

      Awwww, you beat me to it!!!

    • bobbert

      Voucher capitalism. I love it.

    • ms_mcgee

      This is brilliant thinking, my friend.

    • neiltheblaze

      You got a h/t over at Ballon Juice. You're a STAH!

    • tihond

      *Orson Wells clapping gif*

    • Blueb4sinrise

      sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

  • nounverb911

    Wait! Does this mean that Ryan can't run for his House seat anymore?

    • bobbert

      Yes, which is at least a significant positive.

      • Negropolis

        No. He can still run for his seat at the same time.

        • BerkeleyBear

          He can, but it is damn hard to run a House reelection campaign and a Presidential one at the same time. The optics just don't look right. Although a Dem hasn't cracked 40 percent against Ryan (and the last guy raised a whopping 12 grand to oppose him), he took a big hit for his budget proposal, so there could be an outside shot at an upset here. Or he could – to show his "dedication" – not run for re-election to put a puppet in his place, then convince that person to step aside and run in the special election to get the seat back.

          • Negropolis

            Or, he can simply do what Lieberman did. Really, his seat is not in danger for him unless he just absolutely bombs during the presidential campaign. Sitting politicians rarely lose whatever seat they held if they fail on the presidential ticket.

          • HogeyeGrex

            How many besides Lieberman have been cynical enough to run for both at once? I seem to remember that being a fairly rare event, which just added to the douchiness. It's like you're running to lose. Shows a real lack of confidence and dedication. Looks kind of bad all around.

            Yeah. He'll probably do it.

          • SnarkoMarx

            LBJ had Texas law changed so he could run for a third term in the senate while also running for VP with Kennedy in 1960.

          • BerkeleyBear

            Biden did fine, too, but Edwards didn't run because he was probably going to lose. Also, traditionally the House is a lot more volatile than the Senate (retail politics and all that) and you can't be at the meeting at the Shoney's on 12th street and the Lions chicken dinner if you are doing a six state swing.

            Of course, we are talking about a really small sample size, too, because almost no one gets on a Presidential ticket straight out of the House. The last sitting House member to get a Presidential nomination was William Jennings Bryan, and he lost. The last sitting GOP Congressman to get the VP nod was William Miller in 1964, and he didn't run for re-election that year. The last Democrat was Ferraro, and she didn't run for re-election either. Before that you gotta go back the 1800s.

            Let's be honest, picking any Rep is a sort of desperate – an admission you have to tap the JV squad.

          • tessiee

            "Let's be honest, picking any Rep is a sort of desperate – an admission you have to tap the JV squad."

            Haw, you meant "picking any Rep-RESENTATIVE" in that sentence, but for some reason, I read it as "picking any Rep-UBLICAN".

        • bobbert

          Seriously? I admit I haven't looked at Wisconsin election law. I guess it's just fairly rare for somebody to be running for two elective positions at the same time (maybe because that sort of signals that you expect to lose the higher-ranked election).

          • Larry McAwful

            Yep. Apparently Wisconsin law forbids you seeking two offices at the same time—unless you're talking about the presidential ticket. You can bet they're going to hang this on him, just like they tried to do to Joe Biden. That didn't get them very far, either.
            http://host.madison.com/ct/news/local/govt-and-po

  • LibertyLover

    Here's to the GOP on their long march towards the same fate as the Whigs.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ryan, Palin… meh.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    "Marvelous"

  • CromulentLogin

    Spineless Pussy/Sociopathic Randroid 2012! Feel the excitement!

  • Negropolis

    Ronald McDonald and Eddie Munster had a baby, a horrible, Medicare-murdering baby. Baggers better hold onto their scooters, 'cause your potential vice president's about to push your lazy asses over a cliff…for freedom.

  • TribecaMike

    Wait until the Mormon elders find out the USS Wisconsin's nickname is "Wisky."

    • Negropolis

      Wait until they found out Mitt picked a Shia Catholic.

  • ImpureScience

    They've given up on the Presidency, this is to fire up the base for downticket races.

    • HogeyeGrex

      I suspect you may be right. Picking Ryan is just going for the "If it pisses off the hippies it must be good" vote.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Dropping the snark a little, it looks like Rmoney's GOP rulers decided he's a loser anyway, so they're putting the golden child on the ticket for a test drive before 2016. If Ryan melts down or somebody finds nasty stuff about him, better now than later and Romney was toast anyway. If Mittens pulls out a win, they have their man in place at the table, and I'll be looking for tech writer jobs in Canada.

    • bobbert

      Yup. This is strategically a much better idea than Snowbarbie. If Ryan doesn't implode, he will have established an excellent position for 2016, assuming, of course, that the US electorate doesn't pay attention to the fact that his budgetary prescriptions, besides being cruel and inequality-increasing, WILL NOT WORK to eliminate the deficit. Using his own goddam numbers.

      But hey, American voters, eh? Tell 'em this innumerate motherfucker is the equal of Paul Krugman enough times, and they'll believe it.

      • mayor_quimby

        I look forward to Krugman shitting on Ryan's numbers twice a week for the next 3 months. Fear the beard .

    • Larry McAwful

      Good plan. I'll be looking for teaching jobs in Canada. Fortunately, I'm already bilingual in French. They like that up there.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Have you ever spoken to any Canadians? I don't think "like" is the right word.

        Try "tolerate."

        • Larry McAwful

          Well, that's true. I was thinking more along the lines of potential employers, particularly schools. Actual Canadians I've met who don't speak French tolerate at best.

      • finallyhappy

        I was thinking Costa Rica- better climate and no poutine. Also I can talk about the tropical fish to American tourists- I got nothing for Canada. .

        • Larry McAwful

          Not a bad choice. I don't know if I'd be able to give up on the cold winters. I've lived in Pennsylvania, Iowa, Alsace, New Jersey, New York and Massachusetts, so cold winters are in my blood. And though I've never been to the tropics, I'm scared of the bugs.

          From what I understand, you could get by in Costa Rica if you don't speak any Spanish. I'm okay with Spanish, so I think I could make it work, if I had to. Costa Rica, though, is kind of like a wetter, less crime-y Baja California, which is another place that's just lousy with Americans.

          • UnholyMoses

            Try Sweden, which is where The Mrs and I are looking, as they're a bit more lenient on immigration due to declining pop. #s, and if you want winters, well … ya. Not an issue.

    • viennawoods13

      People, people. Our current Prime Minister is the ideological twin of Ryan and Rmoney. In other words, why bother?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Are his policies really as bad as his conservative counterparts down here? (Or are you just trying to prevent your goodies from being over-run by Yankees?)

        • viennawoods13

          He is a right-wing dick. The only thing that stops him from dismantling our social programs is that it would lead to armed rebellion.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            I thought you guys didn't have any guns.

          • viennawoods13

            We have hunting rifles. Until recently we had a Long-Gun Registry, in which all rifles had to be registered with the gummint. The first thing that Harper did when he had a majority gov't was pass legislation to get rid of the Long-Gun Registry.

    • Jerri

      Exactly. He's all about 2016. Although having a failed VP candidate as your 2016 nominee seems a little weird to me, but whatever, GOP.

      Also "finds out nasty stuff about him?" Do you mean like, beyond everything he's ever said and done as a congressman?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

      Hey, speaking of which, I happen to work at a business and in an industry that gets a whole fucking lot of its money from Medicare. So I'll probably be joining you in that Canada-directed job-search, whether I want to or not.

    • tessiee

      "If Ryan melts down or somebody finds nasty stuff about him"

      I hear Rielle Hunter's got a lot of free time these days.

  • Negropolis

    Atlas Shrugged. #Meh

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Indeed.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

    Well, at least now we know what Mitt Romney wants to replace Obamacare with.

    • Negropolis

      I mean nothing is still something, right?

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

        Not really, but negative numbers are still numbers.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          In your imagination.

  • coolhandnuke

    Dickhead/Cheesehead 2012

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      cheesedick for short

      • bibliotequetress

        Oooh. Yuck. This begs for a circumcision joke that I just can't manage at the moment.

    • redarmyzombie

      "Dickhead/Shithead 2012"

      Fixed

  • tessiee

    Oh, HELL yes!
    the only way Mitt could have fucked himself worse would have been to pick Scott Walker for a running mate.
    Or Rick Scott.
    Or Rick Perry.
    Or Rick Santorum.

    • Negropolis

      Or Rick Snyder.

      • miss_grundy

        I really hate that guy…

        • tessiee

          Oh, THAT asshole.
          Is there something about the name "Rick" that guarantees that the guy's going to be a prick?
          *poem*

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      Rick Springfield would be pretty cool, but a bad choice.

      • tessiee

        Mitt shoulda TOLD everybody he picked Ryan, but then, when you click on the link, it's actually Rick Astley.

        • bobbert

          There's a win.

        • finallyhappy

          good one!!

      • miss_grundy

        At least he would be entertaining!

        • tessiee

          Also, Romney and Ryan WILL give us up, let us down, make us cry, tell a lie, and hurt us — so there's that to consider.

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    This is good news for John McCain!

    • WhiteyMcFlyover

      Naw, Sarah was still a stupider choice. Ryan's just a tie with Quayle in the stupidstakes.

  • Negropolis

    Poor Rob Portman. He sucked all that dick, and didn't even get a happy ending. Don't feel bad, though. You obviously got beat by the best.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Jesus. Best what?

    • finallyhappy

      everytime I saw Portman- I thought Natalie- what are you doing??

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        She had such a promising career!

        • James Michael Curley

          Not enough pole time.

          • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

            Gah – Portman looks like he would be all teeth, with sad apologies afterwards…

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            *cringes*

    • horsedreamer_1

      Twice! There was talk in 08 that Walnuts! would pick Portman.

      Oh, oh, & Pawlenty, too.

      Those guys — those guys must be toxic.

      • miss_grundy

        And Marco Rubio, the American son, was going to get the self-hating Latino voters. But with the wingnuts, it would have been a hard sell, since that last name just isn't Amurrican enough for them.

  • http://tactilepeggy.wordpress.com/ Pap Finn

    My God, I'd forgotten that they're holding the convention in Tampa. Tampa, FLORIDA, where the Medicare-lovin' old people live. Have they lost their fucking minds?

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Open carry at the convention? Bad idea.

    • arihaya

      You are assuming that those baby boomers are not senile or enjoy having a Blah president…

      Might as well hoping that Curiosity found Marvin the Martian.

      • bobbert

        Tediously, I have to point out that almost everybody currently on Medicare is NOT a boomer. Ordinary (non-disabled) boomers only started going on Medicare last year.

        And get off my lawn.

        • finallyhappy

          My husband is older so he is on Medicare and my son has a disability- so he may go on Medicare. And get off my lawn- if I see your damn Bedlington terrier pissing on the side of my house again, I am going to come over and piss on your lawn_ because I don't have a dog and I am crazy(and yet not old enough for Medicare for some years yet)

    • HogeyeGrex
      • Larry McAwful

        It's incredible that that search turns up so many images. And even more incredible that so many of them are not intended to be ironic.

  • Robman2

    Sorry to launch serious but here's my take.

    He's glib, pronounces as if his view is accepted fact, and a gym rat which memes him somehow as serious to the press corps.

    Folks are easily swayed by his charm and disarm, speaks eloquently about ideas with passion, even vapid ones and has been a hero since he prattled on with the Blair house meeting cameras rolling, for the cause.

    Interesting that many GOP right wingers see his budget spending as anathema, Richard Viguerie was on Ed saying Paul Raynd was not a good choice.

    Nuns on the bus, will be slapping his wrist, along with the bishops all through the catholic, and, this is desperation attempting to take Wisconsin off the table, but, Obama has more than one way to win, Romney has to, must take every swing state.

    Raynd is in it to run in 2016, Christie is now toast.

    Florida is out of play, Romney has lost.

    I believe that Ryan's only real job was after being funded in school by his dad's survivor SSI was driving one of the half dozen Oscar Mayer wiener mobiles. From there, Jack Kemp and Ayn Rand, before he flipped last year on her ethos (made every frosh GOP member read Rand or else).

    He's considered a career Washington politician, and Congress, has nothing to show except contempt for the struggeling middle.

    His negatives are ripe for defining, and no matter what that budget is a ball and chain.

    Good luck Mitt, too chicken shit to let Portman air Bush's legacy, would have been an easier sell.

    Romney has no plan, co-opted the junior executive's submittable, then made his decision to turn out the red meat base which, may still not be a lock even with the poster child for self wealth at the taxpayers expense.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Mittens' pick of Wienermobile maestro Paul Ryan means that his campaign ain't gonna be able to stay on the road to the White House.

      • bobbert

        This beginning to make me miss the Wienermobile. One of life's small pleasures was looking in the rearview and finding one of them behind you.

    • mayor_quimby

      I like your take, very observant. I hope you're right about FL
      I found it awesome that Rmoney introduced him as the next president. That was prescient, as he is a long shot to b pres himself.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Why can't I post long comments like that? The system always tells me to shorten up.

    • mnotrtoo

      There is another Bush in the arsenal that I don't think Ryan can get around in 2016. Unless he's lucky enough to hoodwink all the geezers in the mid-west and come into it as reigning VP. His Randian instincts may come out then as telling Mitt, "Loyal? Faithful? Its every man for himself!"

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      James Ellroy, is that you?

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    This music has to be played at the convention when they bring this Koch Sucker out…
    http://youtu.be/iuHr00nxeew

    Ryan is at 0:22

  • ElPinche

    OMG..Romney basically quit. Typical Romney move, he's resourcing the candidacy to Ryan. This is going to be Obama vs Ryan.

    • Guppy

      Do you perhaps mean "outsourcing?"

      Maybe he should have offshored. "I am being the vice presidential nominee of Party of Republicans!"

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        We screw you long time.

      • ElPinche

        doh! That's right. thx!

  • TribecaMike

    Sorry President Obama, but there goes the Opus Dei vote.

    • Negropolis

      Good fuckin' riddance. lol

  • tessiee

    Wait… I thought they *didn't* want everybody to attack them?

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    I'm expecting female conservative pundits to have Palinesque starbursts for this pick.

    • tessiee

      You missspelled "prick".

    • horsedreamer_1

      There's a tsunami in Michelle Malkin's pants.

      • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

        That made my rod meltdown.

  • barto

    The poors can now look forward to living the life of Ryan, we guess…

    • tessiee

      and what a lot *more* of them there will be!

  • TribecaMike

    "Faith is the worse curse of mankind, as the exact antithesis and enemy of thought." — Ayn Rand

    D-OH! Not only does this insult the GOP fundie base, but it shows that Rand couldn't write her way out of a paper bag. "Worse curse"? More like worst prose.

    • comrad_darkness

      Perhaps she was only comparing two possible curses: collecting social security and believing in the invisible sky god. We know which one she chose.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      How does Ryan square that shit with Catholicism?

      • BerkeleyBear

        Not well, given how he got smacked around for his budget proposals as shameful and twisting church doctrine by the US Conference of Bishops (which when a Republican pisses off those assholes you know they've gone too far). Then, in classic Eddie Haskell double twisting, he claimed he really didn't embrace the Randian dystopian vision he had said inspired and molded him at Rand worshiping events.

  • coolhandnuke

    Eddie rMoney/Eddie Munster 2012

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      You're good at these tickets.

    • bikerlaureate

      Won't you
      Pack your bags –
      We'll leave tonight.

  • Extemporanus

    That runt.

  • LakeLucilleLoon

    Ryan's Hope?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Raving "Privatize!" Ryan

  • TribecaMike

    Geez Mitt, just get it over with and admit you produced and directed Manos: The Hand of Fate. It's not like you could sink any lower than choosing Ryan.

    • Angry_Marmot

      That would finally explain the magic underwear wrestling scene.

    • doloras

      "I am Mittens. I take care of the place while the Koch Bros are away."

    • tessiee

      Ryan/Torgo 2016!

  • ElPinche

    August 11, 2012
    RIP Paul Ryan's Career

  • Negropolis

    OT: Michigan's first white-majority city is to be put under an emergency manager. It make take this to get people to howl, finally.

    • bobbert

      You think Snyder will actually do it?

      • Negropolis

        In the actual article it basically says that. Putting a city under "review" is nothing short of a formality. I don't think a city has ever been put under review and not gone into a financial emergency.

    • DahBoner

      Well, yeah. You know how corrupt and incompetent White People are with money.

      Probably blew it on Starbucks and iTunes downloads…

      • IceCreamEmpress

        WELFARE VOLVOS!

    • miss_grundy

      Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I want to see this happen, perhaps then they will howl over the indignity and decide to get rid of the emergency manager law when it will be on the ballot in November.

  • BerkeleyBear

    I am struggling to see what the process was here. Ryan had a short blip during the Wisc. primary, but it had been almost all Portman/Pawlenty/McDonnell (with token cameos by Jindal (the brown one) Haley (the brown one with ladybits) and the NM governor (the other brown one with ladybits)). Christie was out for fear of overshadowing Romney (or eating him for a late night snack). None of the minorities made sense as more than cover – Romney is way too uncomfortable with women, Jindal is stll a C lister at best, and no electoral votes were coming with any of them. So it was basically which skinny white guy to give the job to.

    Given Romney's strategy to try and be a bland, generic Republican, the last thing he wanted was to try and stake out a radical position himself. That seemed to rule out Ryan or anyone like that (Rand Paul – shudder). Portman probably made the most electoral math sense (since Ohio is so critical), with Pawlenty and McDonell a toss up depending on whether the MW or evangelical Christians were more important. None of them were awe inspiring but there were logical arguments for each.

    All of a sudden though, Romney commits unforced errors that anger his right, a couple of influence peddlers name drop Ryan, and he gets the nod? Because he makes the 12 percent of the population that really are Teabaggers happy, even as he ties Romney to a whole list of policy positions that are smellier than a whole flock of dead albatrosses? That is utterly out of character for Romney, at least to the extent he has a character – this is a guy whose whole supposed acumen is in minimizing negative exposure on any and all issues, down to engaging in tax and risk avoidance strategies that are just stunning in scope.

    I gotta think there was some short term risk that this mitigates that somehow overrode Romney's core strategy. Maybe it really is as simple as all the assholes who are funding Crossroads and AFP let it be known at their little non-coordinating coordinating confab that no more money would flow if Romney didn't reassure them he'd carry all there water. If that's the case, it would be a logical response to a stimulus, but the final proof that this man has no fucking clue how ordinary Americans think and no actual goals for his proposed Presidency as opposed to a desire for the title, no matter the cost.

    • TribecaMike

      When you're nine percentage points behind a sitting president during the worst recession since the Great Depression just three months before an election, perhaps it might be a good idea to consider another hobby besides politics. Since Mormons frown upon billiards, I recommend whist.

      • Isyaignert

        And that's the Fux News poll where Obama leads Rmoney by nine points – the other polls show him up by only seven.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Mitt is listening to the billionaires. It's as simple, and unsurprising, as that.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      After 2008, you would think they'd restrain themselves from rash, panic-filled VP picks.

      • tessiee

        These are the folks that had Bush *'04* bumper stickers, so you have to figure that they're the very personification of slow learners.

    • tessiee

      I think the comment upthread about how this was intended to position Ryan, rather than do anything for Romney, made a good point.

      Also, I think this is, and always has been, less about a desire for the title, no matter what the cost — because, let's face it, Romney could sit on his ass and do nothing for the next four years and make far more money than he would as President — and more about a desire to defeat the black guy, no matter what the cost.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Great. This should definitely lock up the white male vote…but Paul Ryan is a smug asshole; why gild the lily?

  • arihaya

    Can we say "Walking straight into Obama's trap?"

  • Negropolis

    You are way overthinking this. We're talking about Republicans, here, and Republicans in the age of the Tea Party, no less.

    • BerkeleyBear

      The second point is probably the right one. Because until McCain lost his mind with Palin (a proto-Tea Party move if there ever was one) the GOP had built a rep at the upper levels of being Machiavellian but disciplined and all but tied to doing the "safe" thing. Turdblossom and Darth Cheney were nasty mothers, but they didn't do a damn thing in W's campaigns that wasn't calculated and perversely logical.

      Then again, every few cycles one party or the other has to lose its damn mind somehow, so I suppose just be happy it is the GOP right at the moment.

      • tessiee

        "McCain lost his mind with Palin (a proto-Tea Party move if there ever was one)"

        I don't think Pailin was McCain's pick; I think it was the GOP's pick; and furthermore, I don't think McCain was entirely happy about it. I think he had the choice of running *their* campaign, with *their* VP pick, or not running at all, and that was why his concession speech was so markedly different from the entire rest of his campaign.

        But your larger point is absolutely right. The GOP has moved so far into the loony right fringe that the only candidates they'll deign to run are candidates that will annoy and alienate most of the voters — which suits me just fine.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Buh bye Mitt, nice knowin ya. Looks like your masters gave up on you and decided it was time to cut their losses and start grooming Eddie Munster for 2016

    • tessiee

      DINGDINGDING!!

      Give that man a laurel, and hearty handshake!

  • doloras

    And the really depressing thing is, that this ticket will still get about 150 electoral votes because Texas et al would vote for Jeffrey Dahmer before a blackamoor.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    It's pretty bad when you treat your VP pick as a Friday night news dump…

    • ms_mcgee

      Seriously. Who's thought of this? It gives the Sunday shows just enough time to dig up dirt, but the everyday citizen no time to pay attention. Idiots.

      • zumpie

        Don't get the news dump, the leak or how this is going to give Mittens a "double digit bounce".

        I'm not even sure how the guy whose plan lost the Puggies a safe seat is gonna help down ticket, either

    • Larry McAwful

      People keep saying this, but I'm not so sure it's a big deal. Remember that Obama chose Biden after 11:00 on a Friday—I remember getting the text that evening.

      "Dump" is the right word, though.

      • zippy_w_pinhead

        Biden was announced right before the convention though. Mitt still has two weeks

    • bibliotequetress

      Announced before 7 AM on a Saturday. Is it a Mormon thing? Do people without hangovers think "7:00 AM, Saturday" is a real time?

      • finallyhappy

        yes, we do.

    • Jimmyone

      I had my money on Weedlord BonerHitler…..Oh wait… I don't have any money.

  • sudsmckenzie

    I have personally vetted Ayn Ryan (TM) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KSdBYe6T5w. He drove the wienermobile, its over people.

    • TribecaMike

      Alan Greenspan vetted Ayn Rand in more ways than I care to think of, and on that sordid note I bid you buonanotte.

      • sudsmckenzie

        Yes, and he also has to listen to Andrea Mitchel stumble her way through conversations at breakfast – what is your point man?

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Greenspan: Sweet job and a blonde wife much younger.
        Rand: Shafted.

    • freddymcmurray

      i'm not 100% positive yet (still awaiting confirmation), but there exists the very real possibility that i actually met ryan while he was a wienermobile driver. not joking.

      • bibliotequetress

        Did the driver take your money, pass you a hot dog, then yank it from your hands before you could eat and call you a freeloader? If so, yeah, that was Paul Ryan.

  • ms_mcgee

    Wow! Romney found a way to add less excitement to the ticket.

  • Extemporanus
  • HogeyeGrex

    Ah, giving the Middle Class the Middle Finger.

    Keep fuckin' that chicken, Mitt.

  • zumpie

    Monty Burns/PeeWee Herman 2012

    • tessiee

      SO much win!!

  • Calapine

    Picking Romney/Ryan is a form of republican affirmative action in favor of Obama. Clearly they want him to win…

  • Goonemeritus

    John Boehner just cracked open a 25 year old bottle of scotch and is dancing the dance of pure joy.

    • horsedreamer_1

      He does look a little like Bronson Pinchot.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    "Romney aides told reporters on Friday that they expect the announcement of the running mate and the convention to be worth a double digit bounce in the polls for the candidate. "

    WTF!?!? Isn't the strategy always to say "gee willikers, I don't know what will happen", get the bounce and THEN brag about it??

    • OvertonWindolt

      Oh boy are they gonna be disappointed.

    • Larry McAwful

      They're called digits on both sides of the decimal point. And on both sides of zero.

    • tessiee

      "Romney aides told reporters on Friday that they expect the announcement of the running mate and the convention to be worth a double digit bounce in the polls for the candidate. "

      In related news, I'm going jewelry shopping this weekend, because I just KNOW I'm going to win the lottery.

    • tessiee

      I'm reminded of a quote from a non-Mormon book… Something something… goeth before a fall…

    • lulzmonger

      Ah, but did they specify in which direction?

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Republicans are just relieved he didn't pick no wimmin 'ner blacks.

    • miss_grundy

      Or a Latino.

  • freakishlywrong

    That seals it. They've already stolen the election. They've already rigged the Dibold machines. There is no other explanation for this choice. Maybe this will get the Donald to shut the fuck up about unsealing Barry's college records. What's worse to a conservative; affirmative action or using SS in any beneficial way, (like using your fathers to put you through).

  • Biff

    Fuck it, I'm convinced. Just hand them the job right away, no need for an election or anything…

  • Larry McAwful

    History's greatest monster? Or history's greatest Munster?

  • James Michael Curley

    OK Folks, Games On!

    From now to Election Day nothing you hear from any alleged journalist or pundit will have basis in reality. All will be poised to bring in a hefty 'book' during the next ratings review (which coincidentally coincides with the week before and the week of the election).

    What matters is the opinion of that guy or gal you see in the supermarket looking at a nice piece of lean beef but choosing ground chuck or that guy or gal patiently sells you your commuter ticket, cafe latte or dry cleaning while you barely regard them because you are preoccupied with the scuff marks on your Bruno Magli Maggios.

    If they go for the Romney/Ryan bilge your IRA, Pension Plan, 401k is going to be treading water while you hear a bass cello playing C B C B C B C B C B CB CB CB in the background.

    Its time to make your stand. Sure some cracker is going to make some crack about that Obama bumper sticker. But, believe me, I have a vehicle which displays more than an old Obama sticker and I've heard only half a dozen in the last four years. I don't give a shit about the guy giving the single finger salute a lane over. But many undecided independents are going to look and think "A reasonable guy supports Obama? I guess a lot of that crap I read on the blogs is crap."

    • Barrelhse

      Fuckin' right. We sport an Elizabeth Warren sticker as well.

    • finallyhappy

      I've had an Obama window cling and a magnetic sticker(?) on my car for some time. Of course, around here that is the majority view. . So today I start wearing my buttons again-the first family ones or the President ones- the Bo(the dog) ones are cute but people don't always get it. In fact, I had a Bo Obama shirt on- Bo on the front and "the First Dog" on the back. A black guy came up to me from behind and started berating me about wearing an insulting shirt- I turned around – and he apologized.

    • tessiee

      "If they go for the Romney/Ryan bilge your IRA, Pension Plan, 401k is going to be treading water while you hear a bass cello playing C B C B C B C B C B CB CB CB in the background."

      HAHA!! The joke's on THEM! I don't HAVE any pension plan! Ha…
      Oh, wait.
      Awwwww.

    • bobbert

      You seem to implicitly assume that my acquaintances regard me as a reasonable guy.
      This may be a weak spot in your reasoning.

      But yeah, you're right.

  • plinthic

    It's like that Star Trek episode where the little space ship is floundering — and so Mr Spok presses the button that says "Jettison fuel and ignite". Well done Mr Spok!

    • finallyhappy

      SPOCK!!!!!

    • DahBoner

      "Destroying Social Security and Medicare in order to save them is quite illogical, Captain"

  • neiltheblaze

    So Mittens takes the advice of Bill Kristol. The last Republican presidential aspirant did the same thing. That turned out well for them.

    With enemies like this – who needs friends?

    • tessiee

      Who needs enemas?

      • neiltheblaze

        Sometimes I think Mitt does.

  • OvertonWindolt

    I'm convinced this is no longer a campaign but a very expensive piece of performance art.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Yes but bad expensive performance art.

      • DahBoner

        And no one told them bad Performance art went out in the '80's…

  • Jerri

    Lifelike Android/Dickensian Villain 2012!

  • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

    Ziss iz Good German News.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Romney has flip flopped again.
    http://www.businessinsider.com/mitt-romney-admits

    • not that Dewey

      Yeah, but he usually flips away from the truth. Interesting development. The deficit-mad David Gregorys of the world are not going to like this news.

  • hollywooddood

    Seniors, say bye bye to Medicare.

    Willard, say bye bye to seniors.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    What happened to the special ap that was going to give the Romney-bots the inside scoop on the VP pick?

    Oooops?

  • Serolf_Divad

    Looks like Mitt learned the lesson from John McCain's 2008 run: if you're going to lose anyway, lose big…

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Maybe they'll spray some tan goop on Ryan in some half-hearted attempted to attract the brown people. You might as well have cloned Romney with emphasis on the smug-asshole gene.

    Can you clone money too?

    • tessiee

      "You might as well have cloned Romney with emphasis on the smug-asshole gene."

      Verrrrry nice.
      Well done, bonne fait, M'sieu.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I am pretty sure this is a good thing.

  • Misty Malarky

    I can't wait for the reality show where Ryan calls Willow Palin a faggot.

    • tessiee

      or vice versa

    • Negropolis

      Sometime later, I heard someone explain that he actually said "fucker", but who knows.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I want to see Ryan's face when he finally realizes that Ayn Rand book's are really fiction… if that ever happens.

    • Isyaignert

      …and that all of the politicians die at the end of "Atlas Shrugged."

  • DahBoner

    THEY WANT TO SAVE AMERICA WITH 10 CENTS OFF YOUR DOCTOR BILL???

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I pretty sure they were going for the Extreme Couponer vote.

    • Misty Malarky

      And with the 14 cents Obama won't be adding to the cost of our crummy pizzas we can afford to pass the savings on to . . . uh . . . somebody.

      • mayor_quimby

        I will buy papa johns once a week and give them to the homeless if we all get free heathcare. No brainer.

        • miss_grundy

          Papa John's pizza sucks!

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Groupon Voters!

    • RadioBowels

      IF your doctor is in network and you have reached your deductible. Oh, BTW, did you pre-cert?

  • 12X34X

    Does the little granny starver have to resign from Congress first before he can run with Mittens?

    • Limeylizzie

      No, Biden still ran for his Senate seat in 2008.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Vote Robot/Undertaker 2012.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ryan as "the biggest brown noser".

    http://www.politico.com/blogs/media/2012/08/the-p

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Well if Drudge Lite sayz it is so, then….

  • Misty Malarky

    "All we have to do is replace Obama. … We are not auditioning for fearless leader. We don't need a president to tell us in what direction to go. We know what direction to go. We want the Ryan budget. … We just need a president to sign this stuff."

    Norquist endorsing Romney

  • Naked_Bunny

    Um…did someone forget to tell Mitt that he has to start appealing to people who aren't teabaggers now?

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    I smell the work of Bill Kristol and his magical Veep prognostication machine.

    • RadioBowels

      Good, how has that worked out for the Wayne Allen Root of politics?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Indeed, Kristol nacht, uno mas

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    In first gaffe, Paul Ryan vows to take oath of office with hand on Thomas Jefferson's copy of Atlas Shrugged

    • tessiee

      *commercial voice over*
      "we've switched Thomas Jefferson's copy of Atlas Shrugged with Thomas Jefferson's copy of the Quran…"

  • Misty Malarky

    On the TV they have two black people standing directly behind the podium, so all is good.

    Romney is now blocking out the black man. That'll excite the base!

    Hey! Is that Bristol in the trashy purple top chewing her gum?

  • Schmegeg

    I cannot figure out the whole medicare "privatization" scheme. Any insurance executive that proposes to insure old people would get thrown out of a very high window. The whole point of medicare in 1965 was that oldsters could not buy insurance at any price. Why not just raise the eligibility to the same age as social security full retirement, and you go a long way to solving any problem with the program. Or give it to everybody.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Or take the caps off social security spending for a starter. For old folks, hire plenty of Medicare fraud investigators to go after the crooks in the system. No more scooterz for you, person in your thirties who is too fat to walk.

      • finallyhappy

        Send them to the Wal-mart In Aberdeen Md first

  • C_R_Eature

    Romney: "Join me in welcoming the next President of the United States Paul Ryan!"

    You heard it here first, folks!

    • Barrelhse

      My wife hasn't stopped repeating that and laughing since she saw it.

      • C_R_Eature

        I was looking for a Romney gaffe, but to lead off with a Tactical Nuclear Gaffe was just not fair. I almost spit coffee across the room.

        • tessiee

          Gaffe, or Freudian slip?

          • C_R_Eature

            Kinsley Gaffe.
            I had to look it up. Mumbley_joe mentioned it earlier but now I can't find the post of course….

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      He really said that??

      • C_R_Eature

        Oh, Yes he did.

        Honestly, Romney's got to stop doing our jobs for us.

  • Advn2rgirl

    Rmoney just asked the crowd to join him in welcoming "the next president of the United States, Paul Ryan.'' That's some freudian chit right there.

  • Bozorgzadeh

    As Robert Downey, Jr. says to Ben Stiller in "Tropic Thunder" . . . Everybody knows you never do a full tea-tard. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6WHBO_Qc-Q

  • C_R_Eature

    I like the new Romney-Ryan Logo.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      :>

    • Barrelhse

      Rich & Rare?

      • C_R_Eature

        Robot-Ruthless?

    • Isyaignert

      You're on fire today C R Eature!!! Nicely done!

      • C_R_Eature

        Thanks! But, seriously, look at his flippin' Logo.

  • Misty Malarky

    Mittens said Ryan is gonna be the next president.
    Woopsy daisy!

    It sounds like at least French horn players will have plenty of work during the campaign.

    • ImForMitt!

      Because Mitt Romney is A JOB CREATOR!

  • C_R_Eature

    That's some White crowd they've got there at the Nauticus museum. Well, except for the strategically-positioned Black couple behind the speaker's podium.

    • mayor_quimby

      Aren't there a lotta black folk in Norfolk? Guess we were all at Waffle House after a night at the cluuub.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Neptunes Libel!!!

    • finallyhappy

      Allen West and Michael Steele?

      • C_R_Eature

        Nah, they're probably saving them for the Convention. Don't want to use the same few faces over and over. I think they're probably actors playing a couple, hired for day wages.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Is that black guy standing behind the next president, Bigears Ryan a secret service agent trying to blend in? Wouldn't it be funny if the Republithugs requested minority agents so they could appear to have some diversity?

  • DustBowlBlues

    How late did they announce this? I'm only up at this hour because I have to do a bee inspection and don't want to do it in triple digit weather.

    • finallyhappy

      you raise bees? we have a very local bee guy(Takoma Park, MD) here- Bee George. I only get honey from him as I do not trust the stuff in stores- but I digress from whatever the topic here was

    • tessiee

      "I have to do a bee inspection"

      *trumpet music a la "Patton"*
      DBB [tapping riding crop against palm]: All right, you bees, line up! Hmmm, a few stragglers there. Let's see that honey!
      *tastes honey with fingertip*
      Hmm, not bad, could be better. Where's the Queen?
      *queen raises hand*
      Listen up, Queen! You guys have made a good start, but it needs improvement. I don't want ANY of you getting into people's cars. We really HATE that! I want to see MORE honey, I want to see BETTER honey, and when I ask a question, I want you to answer by dancing with your butts! Is that clear?
      Bees: Bzz a bzzz bzz!
      DBB: OK, then. [salutes] Carry on.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Ryan's tax returns! Ryan's tax returns!Ryan's tax returns!Ryan's tax returns!Ryan's tax returns!

  • RadioBowels

    The magic show has started: They are going to SAVE Medicare and Social Security…presto, shazam. They are going to make healthcare more affordable and accessible by getting rid of Obama/RomneyCare…poof. They are going to appeal to the middle class by being warm and fuzzy and whatever the opposite of smug is…here's our lovely assistant Sarah. They will overturn Roe v. Wade…crowd goes wild. And last of all they will make make black people white…try that Chris Angel.

  • Goonemeritus

    Didn’t anyone tell Romney that you never go full ****** (Edrix you will have to lift the ban on that word for the remainder of this election)

    • JustPixelz

      WTF!? We can't say "Quayle" now?

    • C_R_Eature

      Can we say "Ryantard"?

    • Barrelhse

      Speaking of which, I heard no outrage from Palin last week when a GOP state official told his little joke about an Obama bumper sticker indicating that the driver was mentally You-Know-What.
      So Sarah, WTF?

      • C_R_Eature

        "All Politics is Local Tribal."

  • C_R_Eature

    I'm just going to leave This right here.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    I've never been content to just curse the darkness either.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Rmoney/Nomedicare 2012

    Mittens/Wienermobiler 2012

    Willard/PD 2012
    / pronounce PD like "Petey", but think of it as short for pencil dick, Ryan's nickname in skool that he absolutely hates.

  • Serfville

    Ryan = Hate Robot
    This was some serious Freudian shit going down from second one. Blubber lips just had to screw up announcing VP Nazi SS Trooper. We know who is wearing the pants/breeches/lederhosen in this marriage. Ryan is a bigger, pumped up, more vile hater & poors annihilator. Yes, it's true the unnext Prez, albeit Ryan & henchmen will be the Prez of this flailing campaign.

    • tessiee

      "Ryan is a bigger, pumped up, more vile hater & poors annihilator."

      This. Very much this.
      Romney, for all the stench of entitlement he exudes, strikes me as more clueless than hateful. Oh, don't get me wrong — he'd probably hate poor people if he knew they existed, but he's not out to get them so much as he is unaware of anybody other than himself.
      Ryan, with all that "Die! Die, damn you!" towards the old, poor, and sick, strikes me as more testosterone-ridden (and not in the good way), and much more aggressively harmful.

  • C_R_Eature

    The Romney-Ryan Banner on the USS Wisconsin:

    MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

  • bauserdotcom

    If the GOP is going to keep letting Bill Kristol pick their VP candidates, they should just nominate Bill Kristol for President next time.

  • mbobier

    It's a Festivus miracle!

  • comrad_darkness

    Yawn.

  • jmarsh04

    Paul Ryan: "And next January, our economy will begin a comeback with the Romney Plan for a Stronger Middle Class that will lead to more jobs and more take home pay for working Americans."

    Sooooooooo. There's only two ways to increase take-home pay for working Americans. The first is to print more money. Since he would never do that because that would be socialist, he will obviously do the second, which is to DECREASE take home pay for the upper class working Americans. That sounds a bit like a redistribution of wealth, doesn't it? Paul Ryan: either a liar or a socialist.

    Of course, he could just be talking about lowering taxes, which would require gutting Medicare and social security, which won't fly in Florida, which will equal an Obama victory, which totally vindicates Romneycare, which is all Mitt's really in this for, anyway.

  • BoroPrimorac

    I bet David Axelrod hasn't stopped laughing since he heard Ryan was going to be the VP pick.

    • C_R_Eature

      He's at Bethesda getting his boner de-tumesced right about now.

      • BoroPrimorac

        But how are they going to stop the involuntary orgasms?

        • C_R_Eature

          I'm not sure they can. David Axelrod's going to be a helluva funny TV interview from now on.

          • BoroPrimorac

            "Bob, you know the American pe……Oh, Oh, Ah, Ah!!!!"

          • C_R_Eature

            "HA hahahaahah he he he."

    • Isyaignert

      Axlerod's hands are probably beet red from all of the high-fiving going on in the White House.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Old white people in Florida can now decide if they hate the black President more than they love Social Security.

    • DahBoner

      Ah, split it down the middle and vote for Pat Pukecannon?

  • nowave

    Ass Hat.

  • nowave

    This doomed campaign's slogan should be: "Saving Ryan's Privatizations".
    What a gormless twat.

  • Pragmatist2

    So, a Mormon and a Catholic go into a bar and the Mormon says to the Catholic: "Say, Paul, where do you get your economic philosophy from?"
    And Paul says: "From a Russian atheist novelist. Where did you get your money from, Mitt?"
    And the Mitt answers: "From my Swiss bank account."
    Oh, yeah. This is going to play well.

    • JustPixelz

      The Catholic then asks the Mormon: "Where did you get your political principles from?" And the Mormon replies, "My what?"

  • JohnnyBrooklyn

    Would now be a good time to ask how many years of tax returns Ryan submitted?

    Sorry. I'll try and think of something snarky/offensive for next post . . . .

  • comrad_darkness

    I take it they couldn't find a single republican women who wouldn't blow the ticket up.

  • RadioBowels

    Oh yes, sloppy seconds on this classic.

  • JustPixelz

    Ryan said today: "…we will restore the dreams and greatness of this country".

    Typical Repubican, putting down America. We already have greatness. They just can't see it through their veil of hatred for Obama.

    Paul Ryan: If you don't like America, go back to Ireland — they practiced the austerity you preach … and have 15% unemployment.

    • finallyhappy

      I am pretty sure we showed the dreams and greatness of America when we elected Barack Hussein Obama as our president.

  • MissNancyPriss

    What's the GOP ticket collective IQ?

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      I'm betting by the end of the day your thumbs up amount will exceed it…

    • DahBoner

      The meter is stuck on zero.

      Maybe it needs to warm up a little longer?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Not even sure Catholics like him:
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/paul-ryans

    • Jerri

      The Nuns on the Bus don't, that's for sure.

      • horsedreamer_1

        The nuns care about social justice. The men in charge only care about vaginas (abortion) & sex abuse cover-ups. So, I expect Tim Dolan to all but endorse his dear friend from their days together in southeast Wisconsin.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      And as reported in Wonkville, the Nunz want to throw him and Rmoney under the bus.

  • MissNancyPriss

    This obviousy was a last minute decision as Ryan pranced out in Chris Christie's suit.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Singing, "I've got a girlfriend who's better than that!"

      • bikerlaureate

        Niiiice.

        ♪ Cooo-ool baby
        Strange but not a stranger ♬

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    They blew it. They should have had Ryan ride in on Ralfalca wearing a star-spangled cowboy hat with the corpse of Ronald Reagan draped over his shoulders.

    • DahBoner

      Don't take the Brown Acid, kids…

  • lingin

    I hereby formally request that the Democrats produce an economics version of this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDTBnsqxZ3k

    • C_R_Eature

      The Romney Campaign just did it for them.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Republican public housing We inspect a lot of bridges, and there are damn few that we do that don't have clear signs of being used as a roof by the homeless.

  • James Michael Curley

    With Paul Ryan as the Romney VP pick I'm using this as my new avatar Wiener Mobile Wreck, Mount Pleasant, WI

    • C_R_Eature

      The driver thought it was a Meat Garage.

  • James Michael Curley

    Romney having never served in our military walks in from a historic WWII Battleship.

    I can not believe that after Bush's "Mission Accomplished" embarrassment he would do this. Is he being advised by a bunch of naive, religious, political neophytes. Oh Yeah, Right.

    Make this Romney's tank moment.

    • bobbert

      Didn't Raygun haul the Wisky out of mothballs and set it to lobbing 16-inch shells into Lebanon or something? So, Reagan, yay, maybe?

  • comrad_darkness

    I kept reloading expecting a new Wonkette post, then I realized it was Saturday and I don't have to feel guilty for reloading wonkette waiting for a new post. Kinda takes the spirit out of it…

  • NYNYNYjr

    Just want to add, my favorite part of the Fountainhead (there are so many good parts) is when the hero, the ideal man, finds out that the building he's designed is being used as a school for developmentally disabled people, he blows it up, with dynamite. (Why? Basically, re: charity, helping people diminishes human potential)

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I've never read any of her novels. But that sounds fucking disgusting – worse than I had imagined or read of before.

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        I think NYNYNYjr is talking about the film. Nobody actually reads the fountainhead.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          I randomly picked it up from a library shelf when I was about 16. I think I thought the title sounded vaguely dirty. (Most things sound vaguely dirty to me.) I quickly realized that Rand couldn't write her way out of a cardboard box and returned it mostly unread. That Twilight chick writes better prose.

    • NYNYNYjr

      I read it with relish. It's also kind of dirty…strike the also…it's all dirty and she writes with the most ridiculous flourishing billowing sentences. I skipped over a bit because sometimes you get into these swamps of philosophical parts, which are repetetive, but totes give it a try. It's also sort of about architecture and moderism and frank lloyd wright. [I haven't seen the movie]

    • tessiee

      "hero, the ideal man, finds out that the building he's designed is being used as a school for developmentally disabled people, he blows it up, with dynamite."

      A supreme irony, given the IQ of her fans.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Paul Ryan is basically the new Newt Gingrich.

    Without the complex financial arrangements (which appear to have collapsed like a sub-prime mortgage broker). And all those extra wives. Also.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    It's over. Four more years for Bammaz.

    This is great news.

    Can't wait to see the odious "kill the poorz" monster debate with Fightin' Joe Biden.

  • proudgrampa

    Oh, I love the smell of Republicans imploding in the morning.

    I love it so.

  • Estproph

    Unfortunately, no snark at this time. I think this is Romney's attempt to shore up the "keep them neegras in they place cuz they gettin uppity" vote. Along with other groups, they love Ryan because they think Ryan's budget will really his those on welfare and government employees – who are all black, after all.

    • Estproph

      hit, not his

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Ahhh, the Wisconsin was decommissioned in 1991, and is now a museum. So kinda appropriate.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

    So, contra Ewick Ewickson, this is the moment Mitt Romney lost the election. Here's why:

    The Romney campaign has basically been running on the idea that this election is a referendum on Obama. So much so, that Romney has thus far refused to outline any major specific policies he would enact if elected, and instead campaigning explicitly on the fact that he's not Obama, and that's it.

    In light of this, his chances of getting elected depend an enthusiasm gap that doesn't exist right now (in addition to disenfranchisement efforts among Democratic constituencies, of course). Which in turn means he needs there to exist a demoralized and unenthusiastic Democratic electorate, which decides to stay home or protest-vote the election away.

    Which is where the rub lies. The one concrete impact of Ryan's place on the ticket is that it means that, under a Romney presidency, the Ryan budget will be the starting point of all future proposed budgets. "Under a Romney Presidency, there will be no more Medicare" is a hell of an elevator pitch for Democrats and crossover voters, and meanwhile, Paul Ryan -while solidly right-wing- has none of the tribalist appeal to the Republican base that even Sarah Palin had.

    Having Paul Ryan as a running mate is a major coup for Democratic turnout this election, and isn't going to do all that much for Republicans. It's a fine signal to the Republican money that he's solidly in their camp, but the people who get starbursts over Paul Ryan are the Grover Norquists of the Republican party, not the base.

  • BoroPrimorac

    I think Ryan got the nod because the GOP big wigs want to see him, Romney and the Young Guns get their asses kicked. That probably explains why Jeb Bush put the kibosh on Rubio becoming VP.

  • horsedreamer_1

    The Chooooooooom Gang v. The Irish Mafia.

    I don't smoke weed, & I'm Italian, so I find this difficult to masturbate to.

  • tessiee

    You guys! You guys!!

    I finally figured out what this reminds me of:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfOAtl2exjc&fe

  • Xan

    So, the GOP Ticket is a Rich Douchebag and a Professional Asshat. I think I'll vote for the Gay Kenyan and the Doddering Old Guy, thanks.

  • OldRedneck

    Ryan held several jobs in college, one of which was driving the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. http://www.mediaite.com/online/paul-ryan-drove-th

    So — does this mean we now refer to him as "Weinerman?"

  • bobbert

    You're right, of course. It was the Mighty Mo.