should've gone with newt

Mitt Romney Offers Truce In Which Criticism of Mitt Romney Would Be Banned

I've got it all figured outHa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ha… ha… ah ha: “Romney also said in the interview he would like a pledge (of sorts) with Obama that there be no ‘personal’ attack ads. ‘[O]ur campaign would be — helped immensely if we had an agreement between both campaigns that we were only going to talk about issues and that attacks based upon — business or family or taxes or things of that nature.'” Okay… okay… let’s consider this… HAHAHAH, hahahahah, ha ha ha ha ha, sorry, we can’t do it, ha ha ha… what a world. Even the good little brown-noser people at Politico have written, “What is surprising is hearing a candidate say, essentially, ‘stop hitting me.'”

Mitt Romney just suggested that he would be fine — totally okay with! — a pledge that would prevent the Obama campaign from criticizing Romney’s business career, the centerpiece of his campaign for president. “Family” — no one’s doing this anyway. There was a DNC horse ad once that was up for about 12 hours, and somehow that counted, okay, okay. “Taxes” — just lay off, right? What is with this Obama and taxes. “Or things of that nature.” What nature? Criticisms of Mitt Romney? You know, no criticizing me in the political campaign, yadda yadda yadda, the usual.


Romney said of his own campaign: “[O]ur ads haven’t gone after the president personally. … [W]e haven’t dredged up the old stuff that people talked about last time around. We haven’t gone after the personal things.” That doesn’t mean surrogates or Super PACs have, as was brought up to him.

It’s so pathetic. He’s trying to run his primary campaign of bombing the opposition with SuperPAC ads exclusively, instead of getting one single speck of dirt on his hands. And even his “issues-based” criticisms of Obama are highly personal in a cowardly back-door way. “This President’s economic policies show that he knows nothing about, wasn’t really raised in, and absolutely hates America,” and so on.


We’re only one or two days away from a “I’m suspending my campaign to go back to Washington and get in everyone’s fucking way” freakout. Ha ha ha ha.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. Limeylizzie

    Then what will he be running on exactly? What a fucking, entitled, pathetic,narcissistic pussy.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      So, no Bain and no Governorship.
      That leaves the Olympics. So his claim to the Presidency will be about what a great community organizer he was for a grand socialist enterprise.

      1. bikerlaureate

        When the dust settled, Mitt’s lobbying effort brought over $1.5 Billion to the SLC Games. In 2000 the GAO did an audit of US taxpayer support for Olympic Games in the country. Taxpayers spent $74,654,000 for the LA Games in 1984; and $608,512,000 for the 1996 in Atlanta. These were both summer Olympics and so you would expect them to cost more. But, the 2002 Winter Games in SLC blew the doors off the Treasury—taxpayers paid $1.5 Billion to bail out Mitt.


  2. Barb_

    My friends, if you vote for me, I promise you to pound a stake into the hearts of the middle class.

    1. SorosBot

      But I thought all those giveaways to the rich were supposed to trickle down on the rest of us!

  3. Limeylizzie

    Oh Jim Newell, you know the way to a girl's heart don't you? I was just lamenting the lack of the Mitten's fudge-packing pic.

    1. HateMachine

      See, I heard that mealy mouthed whining about how unfair everyone is being to you, a la Mittens, is just plain irresistible to the ladyfolk. I may need to change my approach.

      1. HistoriCat

        I've tried it – that shit might work in some sitcom but in real life it means you're just ignored by the ladyfolk.

        1. Designer_Rants

          Us Nice Guys just can't catch a break! We're so nice. Maybe too nice. I almost got the presidency once, but then America went home with this black dude. Again. He's not nice – personally attacked my business career! I guess nice guys just finish last.

    2. Tundra Grifter


      Up in Northern Michigan ("God's Country," and I mean that in the nicest possible way) the Summer tourists are known as "fudgies."

  4. bumfug

    Keep up the pressure – when this dipshit really snaps it's gonna make the Yellowstone Caldera eruption look like Mentos in a Coke can.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      I believe that's a Diet Pepsi bottle (have you seen the You-Tube video of the cameraguy getting the bottle right in the kisser?) – but I certainly get the idea.

  5. coolhandnuke

    The pathology of the modern day Republican has perfected the hybrid art of playing bully and victim into every narrative.

    1. Tingomonkey

      Oh god, I opened a damn account just to say how well you've articulated what's really going on here. There's this story I have heard about Newt, and how he elevated the art of the pathological campaign. Things have never been the same since.

    2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      True except Mittens seems more like a pussy…even Newsweek came across and just called him a pussy with his constant whining, peevishness and rules lawyering. Rove is the perfect case study of a mean asshole bully from the shadows but a complete pussy in broad daylight…a toddler could mug him.

  6. LetUsBray

    Calling the president an anti-Christian anti-American representative of a community that's always looking for free stuff will still be okay, of course.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      If they wanted to play nice, they should have thought of that before spending four years hurling vile accusations.

  7. TavariousChinaSmith

    "It's unfair to expect me to win when people keep asking questions which my programming expressly prevents me from answering."

  8. redarmyzombie

    In response, the Obama campaign issued this statement:

    "Stop hitting yourself, Mitt. Stop hitting yourself. Why do you keep doing that?"

    1. Tundra Grifter

      The Republicans have gone from quoting polls to "Well, I've seen the 'internals' and they show Romney is in the lead" to "Polls? Who needs stinkin' polls? Ya want polls, go to Poland."

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Fuck it, that's what happens in all the feel-good high school movies anyway. If Obama's our Marty McFly, I'd say it's high time for Romney to stand in for Biff and comically fly into a manure truck.

      1. Larry McAwful

        Environmental regulations slashed, schools closing, legalized gambling everywhere… We're already living in Biff Tannen's America!

  9. SexySmurf

    If Mittens becomes president, Putin, Chavez and Castro are going to pass him around like a $5 joint.

    1. Larry McAwful

      They might… unless he gets them to agree to be nice and stick to the issues. Say! What if there was a diplomatic crisis but nobody came? That's the solution to all international problems! Let's all be nice, now!

  10. Mumbly_Joe

    Romney said of his own campaign: “[O]ur ads haven’t gone after the president personally. … [W]e haven’t dredged up the old stuff that people talked about last time around. We haven’t gone after the personal things.” That doesn’t mean surrogates or Super PACs have, as was brought up to him.

    Yeah, Obama! Stop Picking on Mittens!

    (Oh and P.S. you're basically Nixon, and need to stop not-coordinating with SuperPACs, says Karl Rove's SuperPAC.)

  11. OneYieldRegular

    What issues? The only issues Mitt might be able to talk about with authority are how to minimize his taxes, how to capitalize on his own investments, and how superior the filthy rich are to the rest of us plebes.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      He'd best not run on that because, well, we don't know that Mittens knows how to minimize his taxes, do we? Double-edged sword, Mitt old boy.

  12. SorosBot

    When McCain went into full panic mode, he came up with Palin; hopefully whatever Romney returns with will similarly doom his campaign.

    1. Steverino247

      Axelrod thinks it's going to be Pawlenty. It certainly can't be anybody more human than Mitt or that person would take all the attention away from the candidate. So, who's more boring that Mittens? Gotta be Pawle….zzzzzzzzzz.

    2. fuflans

      i am catching up on old wonkette (backwards of course) from the land of my mother's people in canada and man damn soros, you were prescient.

      if i was a job creator, i would hire you on the spot.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    I love how Mitt notes that his campaign hasn't brought up any of that stuff in Obama's background that the — um — McCain-Palin campaign found worked so well for them.

  14. BoatOfVelociraptors

    His sense of entitlement burns so brightly that NASA has to turn all of the telescopes away.
    His entitlement is so large it needs multiple houses, just to support it.
    His entitlement is so tall, the Curiosity rover has to drive around it.

    1. TavariousChinaSmith

      His entitlement is so large, it pays taxes avoids paying taxes in more than one state.

  15. majicunderwear

    The Bishop Romney campaign is taking on water rapidly and just like Walnuts he's desperate to push the reset button, I really don't think this self-entitled prick has ever had anyone question anything he has done his entire life.

    1. NellCote71

      You may be on to something, his never being questioned before. For someone who has been running for president for a decade, he seems so completely baffled that someone would question him on anything he says or does.

  16. Doktor Zoom

    OT: Vlad the Impala is finally home! It took $1666.38 and a month of them trying to find the right parts, because at some point my idiot brother swapped in the rear end from a totally different GM car.

    On the way out of Baker City, I looked up Wonketteer "Tangled sin tax," who had mentioned in one of the other drinky thing threads that he lives there; very awesome to meet another dang soshulist in the Idaho-Eastern-Oregon corridor.

    I also promise never to try to take Vlad on a long trip again.

    The tip jar is still open; thanks to an insanely generous single anonymous contribution of $400, the repair costs are about half covered. Thanks to everyone who contributed, and if you still want to chip in a couple bucks, believe me, I can use it. You are the best damn blog-commenters that ever commented on a blog!

      1. viennawoods13

        My sister got by the luck of the draw once KAR 666 for her license plate. She called it, of course, "The Beast"

  17. ProgressiveInga

    So, Barack Hussein Obama stopped apologizing for America just long enough to say something mean about Mittens? I'm not surprised.

    1. Callyson

      This needs to be on continuous loop at the Obama campaign headquarters. And the White House. And all Democratic candidates for political office HQ.

      1. Steverino247

        I love the smell of Mitt shitting himself in the morning. Smells like…Victory.

        You know, someday this campaign's gonna end…

  18. barto

    I think Obama should arrange to have Rafalca's head planted under Mittens bedsheets as a proper response to this request.

  19. Sue4466

    "Just stop questioning the shit I say I'm good at and rely on to say I'm qualified to be president, 'kay?"

    1. SorosBot

      Expect that Bobby is at least friendly and likeable, but is just a privileged idiot with no real ideas; Romney is a total unlikeable asshole as well as a privileged idiot.

  20. redarmyzombie

    Oh my god, it just hit me:

    This was the best candidate they could come up with. Honest to god, throughout the entire nation, this was the best pick that they could come up with.

    Holy fucking fuck.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      I still think Mr. Huntsman was the best candidate the GNoP had. His trouble was, he's just too good for them. They don't deserve nice candidates.

    2. arihaya

      There are many more electable GOPers than Romney, but they are also smarter than him.

      And since they are smart, they knew they cannot win primary with wingnuts voters reigning. Even if they won nomination they still cannot defeat Obama. So they just sit down and eat popcorns watching Mitt self-destructs.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        They probably are hoping that the 'baggers and God-botherers will be a distant memory of noisy incontinent incompetence by 2016, and that sane people will be able to step up to the plate without having to dance around with their underpants on their heads while twirling flaming batons and juggling bibles with nascar stickers on them to prove that they are conservative.

  21. widestanceromance

    Willard is suspending his campaign to go to Washington to save civility.

    OT: have you seen the photo @ HuffPo of Scott walker with a a large bandage on his head? Could not look phonier if it he was wearing a daishiki at the Apollo.

  22. Sue4466

    "Oh, and if Obama would stop calling me a liar when I lie, that'd be terrific. Because being called on my bullshit is really fucking up my campaign strategy."

    1. ChessieNefercat

      You have a strategy, Mitt? Do tell. Apparently it's as big a secret as your tax returns.

  23. LetUsBray

    Okay, we're not supposed to talk about Willard's business career or taxes. We're not supposed to talk about his record as governor, and certainly not his health care plan.

    We're not supposed to talk about his religion. After his junket to Europe, I gather we're not supposed to talk about his foreign policy. For that matter, we're not supposed to talk about his economic policy: I'm sure he's said that he won't divulge the details as it would make people less likely to vote for him (Every once in a while, he'll pick a heck of a time to tell the truth).

    We're not supposed to talk about his moderate, tax retrun-releasing father. Indeed, we're not supposed to talk about his name being Willard – hence 'Mitt'. So what IS this campaign supposed to be about?

    Picture a bus, driving around in circles honking its horn – forever.

  24. SolitaireRose

    I would like this Kenyan Muslim Socialist who thinks that if you have a business you didn't build that and knows if the election is about the economy he can't win to look away from his teleprompter and take time out from creating death panels and creating the highest budget deficits in history to quit talking about my past and focus on the issues.

  25. Jerri

    Mitt would absolutely hold up his end of the bargain, too. You can count on it because he has proven himself to be an honorable, honest and trustworthy gentle-man thus far.

  26. owhatever

    "Uh, Mitt, this is Turdblossom. Football pre-season started yesterday. pal. That means November is not that far away. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

  27. TribecaMike

    I don't know what scares the GOP more — that Mitt is the worst presidential candidate they've had since Bob Dole, or that he's got a closet full of tuxes but not a single coattail.

  28. Wilcoxyz

    Yeah, let's make the rest of the campaign a contest about singing popular patriotic songs and hymns. And maybe some memorized poems (no rapping) from grade school. That would help voters select a world leader.

    1. LetUsBray

      Oh, I'm sure singing is totally off limits. Have you heard that ad where Willard sings a patriotic song?

  29. Larry McAwful

    Okay, then: Mittens just locked up the wuss vote, is now leading in the polls for the pussy vote, and has a slight lead for the milquetoast vote. Never have I seen such a thorough and successful grab for ball-less America.

    1. SorosBot

      Now why do you have to go and insult the good, hard-working pussies of America by comparing them to Romney voters?

  30. Blunderthing

    I guess he just can't have a debate unless he's pushing your face into the ground and has a knee in your back.

  31. Chet Kincaid_

    You know what? In 2008, John McCain was the only credible candidate out there to save the Republican Party from Mitt Romney. In 2012, there was nobody, because the Koch Brothers hired the Tea Party to chase all the sane people away. Enjoy your completely untrustworthy Mormon, wingnuts — because of you, he's all you've got!

    1. Tundra Grifter


      I believe I posted a similar thought here on Wonkette. The GNoP has gone from Sen. McCain in 2008 to the guy who couldn't beat Sen. McCain in 2012.

    2. BoroPrimorac

      The average Tea Bagger is convinced that the only reason why Romney is getting his ass kicked is because he's a RINO which was picked for them by the establishment.

  32. Fox n Fiends

    Joan Walsh said he's in the "Mittness Protection Program" and by gosh gum golly she's right.

  33. anniegetyerfun

    Well, to be perfectly fair, Mittens HIMSELF hasn't said anything particularly nasty about Obama, at least, that I can recall (correct me if I am wrong). But that's mostly because Lord Hairgel's been so busy embarrassing the fuck out of himself by saying incredibly stupid things, singing off-key, and offending everyone he meets.

  34. TribecaMike

    This guy lies so much I'm beginning to wonder if there really was a Salt Lake City Olympics in 2002.

      1. TribecaMike

        My theory: In a public relations attempt to increase tourism, Norway hired Bain to fake the whole thing so they could appear to have won 25 gold medals. And then Bain double crossed Norway by buying their country, confiscating the gold, melting it down into bite-sized ingots which they ingested in the alchemical belief that it would make them immortal. A classic Occam's razor situation, with a dash of Robert Ludlum.

      1. TribecaMike

        I had a gut feeling that a guitarist from Ontario was somehow involved in this conspiracy. Once again, I doff my hat to the wily Canadians.

        Next time, mes amis, next time.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      No it really happened. I was here in the middle of nowhere, which actually is a pretty accurate description of this state.
      It was awesome. We brought together the whole world for a common good to spread peace and goodwill (ie, socialism). He did a wonderful job organizing our community too.

  35. Chet Kincaid_

    If Romney had said JUST ONE THING reprimanding someone, anyone in his party who had outrageously slandered Obama in the last 2 years, he might have moral standing to make this request. He can't even do "butthurt" right!

    1. LetUsBray

      Hell, even McCain talked down the wingnut shrieking about Obama being an Arab. Willard had a similar opportunity and he just stood there.

      In short, fuck him.

    2. BoroPrimorac

      He could've taken a stand when Rush Limpdick said all that nasty shit about Sandra Fluke, but he waffled that too.

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      or he could just remind the American people that some of his best friends own lumber mills.

  36. Chet Kincaid_

    The Mittens campaign is desperately trying to push the idea that Obama started this, but I do believe it was Sununu, as an official Romney surrogate, who fired the first volley. They really didn't think Reid was going to answer in kind, and maybe they thought Obama was too dumb to learn from taking the high road throughout 2010-11. They really shouldn't have pissed off Hopey — this is the scene where Bruce Lee tastes his own blood and then opens up a can of howling whup-ass.

  37. NorbertsRevenge

    Even more than yesterday's waffling on healthcare reform, this should make movement conservatives completely spastic with rage. They want more than anything a fire-breathing champion to put Obama in his place, not a display of pantie wetting. As insane as talk of Romney getting dumped from the nomination seems…

  38. TribecaMike

    You would think the head of a political party named Reinhold Reince Priebus would be a lot more popular than he is. In eighteenth century Prussia, I mean.

  39. T3rbo

    Son, son, son, Mr. Romney, you were never ready to be president, now go home and work for somebody and find out how the real world works

  40. glamourdammerung

    One would think the best the Republicans could do would not be such a wimp. If President Obama pointing out this guy's lies makes him cry this much, how in the world would he be able to handle dealing with North Korea?

  41. BlueStateLibel

    Dude, just give up already.

    I'm sure the Obama campaign will be having quite a few laughs over this tonight.

  42. TribecaMike

    In a limo somewhere, Mitt is confessing to Ann, "I can't wait 'til this is over so I can take this steel girder out of my ass and go back to my old reliable corncob pipe."

  43. LetUsBray

    I think whatever is in Citizen Bain's tax returns is way worse than him not paying taxes in ten years.

    I also wonder if this latest gambit is a prelude to his dropping out of the race. To spare Ann, Rafalca, and his dear, dear car elevators any more of these vicious attacks, you understand.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      We all know what's in Mitt's tax returns. Obama's winning argument for taxes for the rich.

  44. MinAgain

    Sounds a little like the bully who wants to call a truce, because the kid he was picking on finally figured out he had a glass jaw.

  45. NYNYNYjr

    Mr President, if you have questions about my past, why don't we meet alone in a quiet room, and I'll explain everything to you.

  46. Schmegeg

    Agreed. No personal attacks. BTW, Rafalca is ugly and should be sent to the dog food factory.

  47. didgen

    Stop! How much fur is showing between his cuff and the lovely mint green glove. I know you you can't fight genetics but damn!

  48. zippy_w_pinhead

    Now that we have a 30 year head start on the mud slinging how about we just call it even and agree not to do it any more?

    1. TribecaMike

      And then he showed his asshole. And then he showed his asshole twice, followed by showing his asshole thrice. And as he left the stage he showed his asshole more times than Carol Channing went on tour with Hello Dolly. And as an encore, he jumped back on stage and showed his asshole a record 75 times, followed by showing the roadies his asshole until he reached the contracted Teamster limit. And then he went to Denny's and showed the waitress his asshole while smirking, "Consider this your tip." As usual, he showed his asshole to the entire Marriott staff (they're very used to it), and just as he was nodding off he showed his asshole to his asshole, which dreamed for eight hours about his asshole.

      But show his tax returns? Ahem, that would be in dubious taste.

  49. MonkeyMotion

    Please everyone: Mittens is doing GREAT!

    And the Koch Bros, Murdoch, and all those bazillionaire friends should dump their entire fortune$$$ on electing him. 'Cause, you know, he's clearly such a winner and stuff. Really.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      If there is one good thing about Romney, it's his getting all these rich fuckers to blow part of their wad on a losing cause.

  50. VinnyThePooh

    In my younger years, if a rich kid told me not to hit him, I would hear nothing but him begging me to knee his sack like I was tightening carpet.

        1. TribecaMike

          That's easy: my high school journalism teacher, who will remain nameless, at least until the publication of my memoir, "I Shouldn't Have Bothered." Hubbadeehubba.

          1. glasspusher

            I had a catechism teacher, eighth grade, confirmation class. Tight black turtlenecks. What a hottie. Although I'm an atheist now, that's as close as I got to Catholicism showing me heaven.

  51. DustBowlBlues

    I used to the think the tell on politicians lying to someone who is interviewing them is when they start using the pundit reporter guy's first name. "In what sense, Charley?"

    But this is of no help with Rmoney because he never talks to anyone but Faux News and other haters so they never ask him a hard question like, "which are smarter, Swiss or Bermudan bankers?"

    Thanks Pete's sake that Rmoney has that "mirthless laugh" as romance novels describe it. If a staffer began, "For a taxing–" he'd pause and wonder what set off the 'bot's mirthless laughing fit then continued, "–read, I'd take War And Peace, hands down." Fuck the Republicans. (Because I hadn't used a profanity yet and the wonkeratti were wondering what Mormon hacked into DBB's Intense Debate acccount.

  52. labman57

    Romney says that he is highly qualified to be POTUS based on his extensive experience as a "job creator" while at Bain … however we should not be allowed to analyze or critique said business experience.

    Mitt to news media and Obama campaign:
    "Don't discuss my personal finances, don't discuss my business practices, don't discuss my recent overseas trip, and most of all, don't discuss my policies and programs while Governor of Massachusetts."

    Okay, let's talk about something totally benign … "Mitt, how's Seamus? What? Don't talk about the dog either?"

  53. LibertyLover

    I am eminently qualified to be President based on my Business Smartiness, but don't look into any of my Business Practices or my finances, because then I might not look so good, so can we just talk about our policy Diffs? Ok? K? Like how I want to repeal the ACA which totally wasn't based on Romneycare….

  54. Ms_Anthrope

    You people must all be nails ladies or something!It's perfectly acceptable to make up anything to make your opponent look bad. The wingbat shitnuts will eat it up. Political opponents aren't supposed to tell the truth about you right out in the open to the commoners! It just isn't done.

  55. Native_of_SL_UT

    The Huufington Post asked the Romney people for a comment and got this response from Andrea Saul:

    "The governor was expressing his view that he hopes we can have a campaign focused on the issues rather than one of desperation and lies as we’ve seen from the Obama campaign,"

    So see, that's what they mean by sticking to the issues, calling the President a desperate liar. No personnel attack there.
    How does this dumb bitch have a job as spokesman? She undermines and contradicts Romney before he even has a chance to stop talking.

  56. TribecaMike

    "Looky here, Big O. You don't mention my sleazy business dealings, my taxes or El Salvadoran hit squads, and I won't mention how smart and cute your kids are. We got a deal, bro?"

    1. TribecaMike

      It sure as hell wasn't from Lucretius' On the Nature of Things, with its immortal line, Tantum religio potuit suadere malorum (Only religion can lead to such evil).

  57. ttommyunger

    OT, but: I can't help but wonder, is it wearing magic underwear and mom jeans that makes him walk like he's wearing panty hose backwards?

  58. mr bojangles

    ok no more personal attacks. hey mitt your wife is a fat ugly beotch and your moronic sons dress funny!

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