BAD BOYS BAD BOYS  4:00 pm August 10, 2012

Breaking: Goldman Sachs Did Not Break Any of Those Laws It Wrote

by Kris E. Benson

Wall StreetGood news, bankers! Our long national nightmare of no accountability and massive golden parachutes is behind us so let there be champagne, caviar, and get out of jail free cards for all because the entire financial crisis is forgiven and we can all go back to blaming Poors and Political Correctness for causing the housing crash and subsequent recession, or as we like to call it “the new normal.” This development, of course, is TOTALLY shocking and unexpected and no one saw this coming.

Neither Goldman Sachs Group Inc nor its employees will face U.S. criminal charges related to trades they made during the financial crisis that were highlighted in a 2011 U.S. Senate report, the Justice Department said on Thursday…

The statement from the Justice Department said that officials there “have determined that, based on the law and evidence as they exist at this time, there is not a viable basis to bring a criminal prosecution with respect to Goldman Sachs or its employees in regard to the allegations set forth in the report” from [Senator Carl] Levin’s subcommittee.

First of all, everyone knows that concepts like “law” and “evidence” are for Poors, and that holding banks responsible for the financial crisis would be un-American. And really, since Goldman Sachs paid for and made the law so it’s only fair for them to decide who, exactly, is breaking them. Senator Carl Levin has already stated that this decision shows “weakness,” but we beg to differ, given that it shows who, exactly, is in charge, and it’s not Carl Levin.

[Reuters]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 93 comments }

nounverb911 August 10, 2012 at 4:01 pm

"Laws are for little people."
–Carl Levin

ph7 August 10, 2012 at 4:07 pm

"Steal a little and they throw in jail
Steal a lot and they make you king"
–Robert Zimmerman

themcwow August 10, 2012 at 4:35 pm

But what about George Zimmerman and Jonah Lehrer?

CheeseBro69 August 10, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Who cares about shit like this?
We have more pressing issues to deal with such as the encroachment of sharia law and whether or not kim and kanye will get married?

Billmatic August 10, 2012 at 4:06 pm

OMG KIM AND KANYE ARE GETTING MARRIED????

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

It would be cooler if Mary and Kim were getting Kanye'd

Billmatic August 10, 2012 at 4:19 pm

By Kanye'd I assume they would be rudely and hilariously interrupted so that one person may voice his or her particular subjective opinion?

SorosBot August 10, 2012 at 4:20 pm

To be fair to Kanye, Beyonce really is much more talented than Taylor Bland.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Imma let you finish…

SorosBot August 10, 2012 at 4:15 pm

And who's going to win American Idol / The X-Factor / America's Got Talent / The Voice / America's Kids Got Singing?

CheeseBro69 August 10, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Come on we all know Jenna is gonna win America's Kids Got Singing

justkillmenow August 10, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Don't forget Honey Boo Boo. (the fuck?)

SorosBot August 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I'm ashamed that I know what that is.

ProgressiveInga August 10, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Me, too. : (

chicken_thief August 10, 2012 at 4:23 pm

DWTS or gtfo!!!!

Bris-dull! Bris-dull!!!! Bris-dull!!!!!!!!11

MissTaken August 10, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I read on teh interwebs that Brad and Angelina are gonna get married this weekend! And OMG, George Clooney will be there!!!!!

ChernobylSoup August 10, 2012 at 4:03 pm

My kid starts kindergarten next week. I hope the school lets the kids from the richest families set school policy and classroom standards. That way my kid can get a proper introduction to how the world works as early as possible.

Billmatic August 10, 2012 at 4:07 pm

as if those kids go to public school with the proles

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Make sure your kid carries plenty of K-Y, in that case.

shelwood46 August 10, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Bernanke, before heading the Fed, was on my local school board. (He wasn't, actually, terrible.)

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Finally something Obama and Romney can agree upon!!!

chicken_thief August 10, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Until Romney finds out Obama agrees. Then comes the Etch-a-Sketch move along with Mitt's patented hollow laugh.

TootsStansbury August 10, 2012 at 4:56 pm

It's the stuff of nightmares HAHAHAHA. I don't think it would even echo.

gullywompr August 10, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Governments were invented to serve the interests of capital. "We the people?" Wonker please…

LIT_Fag August 10, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Retroactive legality!

Baconzgood August 10, 2012 at 4:05 pm

The bankers own Congress? Whoda thunk it.

Jukesgrrl August 10, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Don't forget, they own the charmingly named Justice Department, too.

When they are called to "testify" before a "committee," it's like you or me being invited to somebody's rec room to throw back some brewskis and watch a football game in appreciation for the giant box of money you left on their porch.

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Speaking of finance, if I switch my car insurance to say State Farm and then AllState and then Geico and then Progressive and then go back to State Farm and get a 40% discount every time, will I have to pay ANYTHING???

nounverb911 August 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

In Romney World, yes.
In Johnnyzhivago World, no.

RadioBowels August 10, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Do you know how expensive car elevator insurance is?

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I'm surprised the House Republicans haven't passed a resolution demanding Obama apologize to Goldman Sachs now.

MacRaith August 10, 2012 at 4:31 pm

There's no point. Steve King would just repeal it.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2012 at 10:25 am

They will, however, hold a hearing to as Blankfein what laws they can pass to make his life easier.

Calapine August 10, 2012 at 4:07 pm

These people are our true masters…

I has a sad.

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

America: Brought to You by Goldman, Sachs and Company

emmelemm August 10, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Amercia, brought to you by Goldman Sachs.

Goonemeritus August 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Well if we take our cue from Representative King we can go back in time change those laws and throw everyone in jail that has ever tied a Windsor knot in a $200 tie. And when I say jail I mean an old school Cool Hand Luke kind of jail.

coolhandnuke August 10, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Carr: Them clothes got laundry numbers on them. You remember your number and always wear the ones that has your number. Any man forgets his number spends a night in the box. These here spoons you keep with you. Any man loses his spoon spends a night in the box. There's no playing grab-ass or fighting in the building. You got a grudge against another man, you fight him Saturday afternoon. Any man playing grab-ass or fighting in the building spends a night in the box. First bell's at five minutes of eight when you will get in your bunk. Last bell is at eight. Any man not in his bunk at eight spends the night in the box. There is no smoking in the prone position in bed. To smoke you must have both legs over the side of your bunk. Any man caught smoking in the prone position in bed… spends a night in the box. You get two sheets. Every Saturday, you put the clean sheet on the top… the top sheet on the bottom… and the bottom sheet you turn in to the laundry boy. Any man turns in the wrong sheet spends a night in the box. No one'll sit in the bunks with dirty pants on. Any man with dirty pants on sitting on the bunks spends a night in the box. Any man don't bring back his empty pop bottle spends a night in the box. Any man loud talking spends a night in the box. You got questions, you come to me. I'm Carr, the floor walker. I'm responsible for order in here. Any man don't keep order spends a night in…
Luke: …the box.
Carr: I hope you ain't going to be a hard case.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

BANK NUTZ!!!!!!!

weejee August 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm

They do have a special shine in the <alt text> photog, don't they?

Billmatic August 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Sometimes I think it would be more productive to vote for the candidates that you think are going to bring on the collapse more quickly.

But, I'm sure they'd disappoint you with that, too.

sharethegrief August 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

This is only fair. The Justice Department wouldn't prosecute the New Black Panthers either and both groups did irreparable harm.

BarackMyWorld August 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Too much Sachs, not enough violence.

calliecallie August 10, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Not enough drugs and rock-and-roll either.

sewollef August 10, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Well I'm thinking there was probably plenty of drugs, and a fair sprinkling of sex, but definitely, certainly, bugger-all rock & roll.

Unless you call Celine Dion, Mariah Scarey or Supertramp rock & roll. Have you seen Blankfein's iPod….?

SorosBot August 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

The fact that everything these economy-destroying dickwads did is perfectly legal is the biggest scandal of all.

Beowoof August 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Those fine up standing citizens of the business world prove once again what Carlin said .

zippy_w_pinhead August 10, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world…

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Semi-OT:

(CNN) – Donald Trump is set to get a 'unique' gig at the Republican National Convention in late August, an aide to the real estate titan confirmed on Friday.

"Mr. Trump's role will occur at the Tampa Bay Times Forum (site of the convention), though the specifics of the role are not being released at this time. The role, like Mr. Trump, is unique and will be memorable for all those in attendance at the convention and those watching around the country. Stay tuned," Executive Vice President and Special Counsel Michael Cohen told CNN.

Jump out of cake naked????????
Parachute into the hall?????
Be a flaming flambe?????
Exposed to Ebola virus and then kept in a giant jar for 4 days?
Greeter – like at Walmart????

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Jump out of cake naked????????

Congratulations. You just made me sick.

nounverb911 August 10, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Take the Gerbil off his head and stick it back up his ass?

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Got it! Fire Romney and give the nomination to himself!

zippy_w_pinhead August 10, 2012 at 4:20 pm

he can't, his head is in the way

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Introduce Rafalca??????????

Sharkey August 10, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Announce that Romney will be on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice??

pinkocommi August 10, 2012 at 4:25 pm

May i suggest a dunking booth?

weejee August 10, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Yes, but in the traditional Navy way that is sometimes known as keel hauling.

Callyson August 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm

MC at the strip club that will have the Sarah Palin look alike?

chicken_thief August 10, 2012 at 4:32 pm

He going to release the findings of his crack investigative team's search of Hawaii records for one "Barack Hussein Obama"?

ProgressiveInga August 10, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Declare bankruptcy again?

outragedcitizen August 10, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Just out of curiosity is the Trump related to Kim Il Jong?

bobbert August 10, 2012 at 6:49 pm

We can always hope that whatever it it, it will startle the strapped delegates.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2012 at 10:29 am

The GOP is descending rapidly into a very bad parody of itself.

Callyson August 10, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Henry David Thoreau:

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

Lloyd Blankfein:

Back to doing God's work

Liquor company executives:

Payday! Tell the breweries and distilleries to amp up production for the masses, who will need even more once word gets out!

Also: FFS…

pinkocommi August 10, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Prosecuting Goldman Sachs would have thrown off the balance of the universe -you know the balance where the moneyed elite get to live like kings and the rest of us are relegated to poverty.

RadioBowels August 10, 2012 at 4:17 pm

I sure like those Gold Sacs on the bull.

nounverb911 August 10, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Blankfein does a good job polishing them.

Joshua Norton August 10, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Right. And Don Corleone was just in the olive oil business.

Sharkey August 10, 2012 at 4:20 pm

This is just bull-cockey.

Baconzgood August 10, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Banks steal money bangs go free. You can't explain it.

Jukesgrrl August 10, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I don't have time to think about this now. My car elevator is stuck.

Jus_Wonderin August 10, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I don't follow sports but…who is the guy they dragged before Congress for the doping scandal? Twice? And Goldman…is innocent?

SayItWithWookies August 10, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I guess Rick Santelli was right — it was, in fact, the fault of those poor and middle-class people who bought risky loans they couldn't afford that caused the housing collapse. They should all be thrown in jail — except, of course, those who would go willingly for the food and shelter.

MissTaken August 10, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Too big to jail.

SorosBot August 10, 2012 at 4:29 pm

That is awesome right there.

OneDollarJuana August 10, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Too big to jail because the jails are owned by the big.

TribecaMike August 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Went to see The Campaign today, and there's a scene involving Goldman Sachs buying off one of the protagonists. Funny and smart flick, though it gets a little sappy and repetitive 4/5 of the way through, just like Fellini Satyricon did. I think it might even be a reboot of Fellini Satyricon.

schvitzatura August 10, 2012 at 4:29 pm

A ray of hope?

"If any additional or new evidence emerges, today's assessment does not prevent the department from reviewing such evidence and making a different determination, if warranted," the statement said.

bobbert August 10, 2012 at 4:43 pm

No.

HistoriCat August 10, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Please – that's a "we'll keep your resume on file" line if I ever heard one.

OneDollarJuana August 10, 2012 at 11:21 pm

That's just bullshit to keep us from revolting today. Or tomorrow after breakfast.

chicken_thief August 10, 2012 at 4:29 pm

"…and we can all go back to blaming Poors and Political Correctness for causing the housing crash and subsequent recession,…"

Pfft. Everyone knows Obama caused the crash. Retroactively, before he was elected.

outragedcitizen August 10, 2012 at 4:34 pm

In other news, a black man has been sentenced to life in the electric chair for shoplifting a loaf of bread from a local supermarket…

barto August 10, 2012 at 5:39 pm

The balls on that bull are way too small to be representative of Wall St.

Blunderthing August 10, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I am so turning in that homeless guy for "Conduct Unbecoming A Poor". If he had only found Jeebus and not had an abortion or ate one corndog instead of two at the shelter, the economy would be sitting by the pool in Boca Raton having its fifth Oh What The Hell Daquiri.

BZ1 August 10, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Just check out what Canada does to rogue bankers (politely make them obey the law!)

mosjef August 10, 2012 at 6:14 pm

If all that is true, why does my ass still hurt every time I sit down?

Callyson August 10, 2012 at 10:14 pm

And the poll on the right hand side of Wonkette's home page is fitting (results so far in parens):

Do you believe that the economic benefits of legalized gambling outweigh its societal impact?

Yes, the economic benefits strongly outweigh its societal impact (8%)
Yes, the economic benefits somewhat outweigh its societal impact (23%)
No, the societal impact outweighs the economic benefits (23%)
No, the societal impact outweighs the economic benefits (19%)
No strong opinion (27%)

(And yes, the "no" options are worded precisely the same way.)

Now, what would the results look like if you replaced "legalized gambling" with "Wall Street speculation"?

OneDollarJuana August 10, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Once share value is not directly linked to business performance it becomes gambling.

OneDollarJuana August 10, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Bread and circuses only delay the inevitable. Eventually there will be no bread and the rich will be fed to lions at the circuses.

ttommyunger August 10, 2012 at 11:52 pm

As if any other outcome had been expected….

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2012 at 10:16 am

Evidence as it exists "at this time".

At least people downtown can sleep at night, now that the damned shredders have stopped.

Billmatic August 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Honestly it made me like Yeezy more, and also:
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m125ngjyEF1rpns

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