bad boys bad boys

Breaking: Goldman Sachs Did Not Break Any of Those Laws It Wrote

Wall StreetGood news, bankers! Our long national nightmare of no accountability and massive golden parachutes is behind us so let there be champagne, caviar, and get out of jail free cards for all because the entire financial crisis is forgiven and we can all go back to blaming Poors and Political Correctness for causing the housing crash and subsequent recession, or as we like to call it “the new normal.” This development, of course, is TOTALLY shocking and unexpected and no one saw this coming.

Neither Goldman Sachs Group Inc nor its employees will face U.S. criminal charges related to trades they made during the financial crisis that were highlighted in a 2011 U.S. Senate report, the Justice Department said on Thursday…

The statement from the Justice Department said that officials there “have determined that, based on the law and evidence as they exist at this time, there is not a viable basis to bring a criminal prosecution with respect to Goldman Sachs or its employees in regard to the allegations set forth in the report” from [Senator Carl] Levin’s subcommittee.

First of all, everyone knows that concepts like “law” and “evidence” are for Poors, and that holding banks responsible for the financial crisis would be un-American. And really, since Goldman Sachs paid for and made the law so it’s only fair for them to decide who, exactly, is breaking them. Senator Carl Levin has already stated that this decision shows “weakness,” but we beg to differ, given that it shows who, exactly, is in charge, and it’s not Carl Levin.


About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
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  1. CheeseBro69

    Who cares about shit like this?
    We have more pressing issues to deal with such as the encroachment of sharia law and whether or not kim and kanye will get married?

        1. Billmatic

          By Kanye'd I assume they would be rudely and hilariously interrupted so that one person may voice his or her particular subjective opinion?

    1. SorosBot

      And who's going to win American Idol / The X-Factor / America's Got Talent / The Voice / America's Kids Got Singing?

    2. MissTaken

      I read on teh interwebs that Brad and Angelina are gonna get married this weekend! And OMG, George Clooney will be there!!!!!

  2. ChernobylSoup

    My kid starts kindergarten next week. I hope the school lets the kids from the richest families set school policy and classroom standards. That way my kid can get a proper introduction to how the world works as early as possible.

    1. shelwood46

      Bernanke, before heading the Fed, was on my local school board. (He wasn't, actually, terrible.)

    1. chicken_thief

      Until Romney finds out Obama agrees. Then comes the Etch-a-Sketch move along with Mitt's patented hollow laugh.

  3. gullywompr

    Governments were invented to serve the interests of capital. "We the people?" Wonker please…

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Don't forget, they own the charmingly named Justice Department, too.

      When they are called to "testify" before a "committee," it's like you or me being invited to somebody's rec room to throw back some brewskis and watch a football game in appreciation for the giant box of money you left on their porch.

  4. johnnyzhivago

    Speaking of finance, if I switch my car insurance to say State Farm and then AllState and then Geico and then Progressive and then go back to State Farm and get a 40% discount every time, will I have to pay ANYTHING???

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      They will, however, hold a hearing to as Blankfein what laws they can pass to make his life easier.

  5. Goonemeritus

    Well if we take our cue from Representative King we can go back in time change those laws and throw everyone in jail that has ever tied a Windsor knot in a $200 tie. And when I say jail I mean an old school Cool Hand Luke kind of jail.

    1. coolhandnuke

      Carr: Them clothes got laundry numbers on them. You remember your number and always wear the ones that has your number. Any man forgets his number spends a night in the box. These here spoons you keep with you. Any man loses his spoon spends a night in the box. There's no playing grab-ass or fighting in the building. You got a grudge against another man, you fight him Saturday afternoon. Any man playing grab-ass or fighting in the building spends a night in the box. First bell's at five minutes of eight when you will get in your bunk. Last bell is at eight. Any man not in his bunk at eight spends the night in the box. There is no smoking in the prone position in bed. To smoke you must have both legs over the side of your bunk. Any man caught smoking in the prone position in bed… spends a night in the box. You get two sheets. Every Saturday, you put the clean sheet on the top… the top sheet on the bottom… and the bottom sheet you turn in to the laundry boy. Any man turns in the wrong sheet spends a night in the box. No one'll sit in the bunks with dirty pants on. Any man with dirty pants on sitting on the bunks spends a night in the box. Any man don't bring back his empty pop bottle spends a night in the box. Any man loud talking spends a night in the box. You got questions, you come to me. I'm Carr, the floor walker. I'm responsible for order in here. Any man don't keep order spends a night in…
      Luke: …the box.
      Carr: I hope you ain't going to be a hard case.

  6. Billmatic

    Sometimes I think it would be more productive to vote for the candidates that you think are going to bring on the collapse more quickly.

    But, I'm sure they'd disappoint you with that, too.

  7. sharethegrief

    This is only fair. The Justice Department wouldn't prosecute the New Black Panthers either and both groups did irreparable harm.

      1. sewollef

        Well I'm thinking there was probably plenty of drugs, and a fair sprinkling of sex, but definitely, certainly, bugger-all rock & roll.

        Unless you call Celine Dion, Mariah Scarey or Supertramp rock & roll. Have you seen Blankfein's iPod….?

  8. SorosBot

    The fact that everything these economy-destroying dickwads did is perfectly legal is the biggest scandal of all.

  9. johnnyzhivago


    (CNN) – Donald Trump is set to get a 'unique' gig at the Republican National Convention in late August, an aide to the real estate titan confirmed on Friday.

    "Mr. Trump's role will occur at the Tampa Bay Times Forum (site of the convention), though the specifics of the role are not being released at this time. The role, like Mr. Trump, is unique and will be memorable for all those in attendance at the convention and those watching around the country. Stay tuned," Executive Vice President and Special Counsel Michael Cohen told CNN.

    Jump out of cake naked????????
    Parachute into the hall?????
    Be a flaming flambe?????
    Exposed to Ebola virus and then kept in a giant jar for 4 days?
    Greeter – like at Walmart????

    1. chicken_thief

      He going to release the findings of his crack investigative team's search of Hawaii records for one "Barack Hussein Obama"?

  10. Callyson

    Henry David Thoreau:

    Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

    Lloyd Blankfein:

    Back to doing God's work

    Liquor company executives:

    Payday! Tell the breweries and distilleries to amp up production for the masses, who will need even more once word gets out!

    Also: FFS…

  11. pinkocommi

    Prosecuting Goldman Sachs would have thrown off the balance of the universe -you know the balance where the moneyed elite get to live like kings and the rest of us are relegated to poverty.

  12. Jus_Wonderin

    I don't follow sports but…who is the guy they dragged before Congress for the doping scandal? Twice? And Goldman…is innocent?

  13. SayItWithWookies

    I guess Rick Santelli was right — it was, in fact, the fault of those poor and middle-class people who bought risky loans they couldn't afford that caused the housing collapse. They should all be thrown in jail — except, of course, those who would go willingly for the food and shelter.

  14. TribecaMike

    Went to see The Campaign today, and there's a scene involving Goldman Sachs buying off one of the protagonists. Funny and smart flick, though it gets a little sappy and repetitive 4/5 of the way through, just like Fellini Satyricon did. I think it might even be a reboot of Fellini Satyricon.

  15. schvitzatura

    A ray of hope?

    "If any additional or new evidence emerges, today's assessment does not prevent the department from reviewing such evidence and making a different determination, if warranted," the statement said.

  16. chicken_thief

    "…and we can all go back to blaming Poors and Political Correctness for causing the housing crash and subsequent recession,…"

    Pfft. Everyone knows Obama caused the crash. Retroactively, before he was elected.

  17. Blunderthing

    I am so turning in that homeless guy for "Conduct Unbecoming A Poor". If he had only found Jeebus and not had an abortion or ate one corndog instead of two at the shelter, the economy would be sitting by the pool in Boca Raton having its fifth Oh What The Hell Daquiri.

  18. Callyson

    And the poll on the right hand side of Wonkette's home page is fitting (results so far in parens):

    Do you believe that the economic benefits of legalized gambling outweigh its societal impact?

    Yes, the economic benefits strongly outweigh its societal impact (8%)
    Yes, the economic benefits somewhat outweigh its societal impact (23%)
    No, the societal impact outweighs the economic benefits (23%)
    No, the societal impact outweighs the economic benefits (19%)
    No strong opinion (27%)

    (And yes, the "no" options are worded precisely the same way.)

    Now, what would the results look like if you replaced "legalized gambling" with "Wall Street speculation"?

  19. OneDollarJuana

    Bread and circuses only delay the inevitable. Eventually there will be no bread and the rich will be fed to lions at the circuses.

  20. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Evidence as it exists "at this time".

    At least people downtown can sleep at night, now that the damned shredders have stopped.

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