Wall StreetGood news, bankers! Our long national nightmare of no accountability and massive golden parachutes is behind us so let there be champagne, caviar, and get out of jail free cards for all because the entire financial crisis is forgiven and we can all go back to blaming Poors and Political Correctness for causing the housing crash and subsequent recession, or as we like to call it “the new normal.” This development, of course, is TOTALLY shocking and unexpected and no one saw this coming.

Neither Goldman Sachs Group Inc nor its employees will face U.S. criminal charges related to trades they made during the financial crisis that were highlighted in a 2011 U.S. Senate report, the Justice Department said on Thursday…

The statement from the Justice Department said that officials there “have determined that, based on the law and evidence as they exist at this time, there is not a viable basis to bring a criminal prosecution with respect to Goldman Sachs or its employees in regard to the allegations set forth in the report” from [Senator Carl] Levin’s subcommittee.

First of all, everyone knows that concepts like “law” and “evidence” are for Poors, and that holding banks responsible for the financial crisis would be un-American. And really, since Goldman Sachs paid for and made the law so it’s only fair for them to decide who, exactly, is breaking them. Senator Carl Levin has already stated that this decision shows “weakness,” but we beg to differ, given that it shows who, exactly, is in charge, and it’s not Carl Levin.


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  • nounverb911

    "Laws are for little people."
    –Carl Levin

    • ph7

      "Steal a little and they throw in jail
      Steal a lot and they make you king"
      –Robert Zimmerman

      • themcwow

        But what about George Zimmerman and Jonah Lehrer?

  • Who cares about shit like this?
    We have more pressing issues to deal with such as the encroachment of sharia law and whether or not kim and kanye will get married?

    • Billmatic


      • It would be cooler if Mary and Kim were getting Kanye'd

        • Billmatic

          By Kanye'd I assume they would be rudely and hilariously interrupted so that one person may voice his or her particular subjective opinion?

    • SorosBot

      And who's going to win American Idol / The X-Factor / America's Got Talent / The Voice / America's Kids Got Singing?

      • Come on we all know Jenna is gonna win America's Kids Got Singing

      • justkillmenow

        Don't forget Honey Boo Boo. (the fuck?)

        • SorosBot

          I'm ashamed that I know what that is.

          • ProgressiveInga

            Me, too. : (

      • chicken_thief

        DWTS or gtfo!!!!

        Bris-dull! Bris-dull!!!! Bris-dull!!!!!!!!11

    • MissTaken

      I read on teh interwebs that Brad and Angelina are gonna get married this weekend! And OMG, George Clooney will be there!!!!!

  • ChernobylSoup

    My kid starts kindergarten next week. I hope the school lets the kids from the richest families set school policy and classroom standards. That way my kid can get a proper introduction to how the world works as early as possible.

    • Billmatic

      as if those kids go to public school with the proles

    • Make sure your kid carries plenty of K-Y, in that case.

    • shelwood46

      Bernanke, before heading the Fed, was on my local school board. (He wasn't, actually, terrible.)

  • Finally something Obama and Romney can agree upon!!!

    • chicken_thief

      Until Romney finds out Obama agrees. Then comes the Etch-a-Sketch move along with Mitt's patented hollow laugh.

      • TootsStansbury

        It's the stuff of nightmares HAHAHAHA. I don't think it would even echo.

  • gullywompr

    Governments were invented to serve the interests of capital. "We the people?" Wonker please…

  • LIT_Fag

    Retroactive legality!

  • Baconzgood

    The bankers own Congress? Whoda thunk it.

    • Don't forget, they own the charmingly named Justice Department, too.

      When they are called to "testify" before a "committee," it's like you or me being invited to somebody's rec room to throw back some brewskis and watch a football game in appreciation for the giant box of money you left on their porch.

  • Speaking of finance, if I switch my car insurance to say State Farm and then AllState and then Geico and then Progressive and then go back to State Farm and get a 40% discount every time, will I have to pay ANYTHING???

    • nounverb911

      In Romney World, yes.
      In Johnnyzhivago World, no.

      • RadioBowels

        Do you know how expensive car elevator insurance is?

  • I'm surprised the House Republicans haven't passed a resolution demanding Obama apologize to Goldman Sachs now.

    • MacRaith

      There's no point. Steve King would just repeal it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They will, however, hold a hearing to as Blankfein what laws they can pass to make his life easier.

  • Calapine

    These people are our true masters…

    I has a sad.

  • America: Brought to You by Goldman, Sachs and Company

    • emmelemm

      Amercia, brought to you by Goldman Sachs.

  • Goonemeritus

    Well if we take our cue from Representative King we can go back in time change those laws and throw everyone in jail that has ever tied a Windsor knot in a $200 tie. And when I say jail I mean an old school Cool Hand Luke kind of jail.

    • coolhandnuke

      Carr: Them clothes got laundry numbers on them. You remember your number and always wear the ones that has your number. Any man forgets his number spends a night in the box. These here spoons you keep with you. Any man loses his spoon spends a night in the box. There's no playing grab-ass or fighting in the building. You got a grudge against another man, you fight him Saturday afternoon. Any man playing grab-ass or fighting in the building spends a night in the box. First bell's at five minutes of eight when you will get in your bunk. Last bell is at eight. Any man not in his bunk at eight spends the night in the box. There is no smoking in the prone position in bed. To smoke you must have both legs over the side of your bunk. Any man caught smoking in the prone position in bed… spends a night in the box. You get two sheets. Every Saturday, you put the clean sheet on the top… the top sheet on the bottom… and the bottom sheet you turn in to the laundry boy. Any man turns in the wrong sheet spends a night in the box. No one'll sit in the bunks with dirty pants on. Any man with dirty pants on sitting on the bunks spends a night in the box. Any man don't bring back his empty pop bottle spends a night in the box. Any man loud talking spends a night in the box. You got questions, you come to me. I'm Carr, the floor walker. I'm responsible for order in here. Any man don't keep order spends a night in…
      Luke: …the box.
      Carr: I hope you ain't going to be a hard case.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    BANK NUTZ!!!!!!!

    • They do have a special shine in the <alt text> photog, don't they?

  • Billmatic

    Sometimes I think it would be more productive to vote for the candidates that you think are going to bring on the collapse more quickly.

    But, I'm sure they'd disappoint you with that, too.

  • sharethegrief

    This is only fair. The Justice Department wouldn't prosecute the New Black Panthers either and both groups did irreparable harm.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Too much Sachs, not enough violence.

    • calliecallie

      Not enough drugs and rock-and-roll either.

      • sewollef

        Well I'm thinking there was probably plenty of drugs, and a fair sprinkling of sex, but definitely, certainly, bugger-all rock & roll.

        Unless you call Celine Dion, Mariah Scarey or Supertramp rock & roll. Have you seen Blankfein's iPod….?

  • SorosBot

    The fact that everything these economy-destroying dickwads did is perfectly legal is the biggest scandal of all.

  • Beowoof

    Those fine up standing citizens of the business world prove once again what Carlin said .

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank

    Give a man a bank and he can rob the world…

  • Semi-OT:

    (CNN) – Donald Trump is set to get a 'unique' gig at the Republican National Convention in late August, an aide to the real estate titan confirmed on Friday.

    "Mr. Trump's role will occur at the Tampa Bay Times Forum (site of the convention), though the specifics of the role are not being released at this time. The role, like Mr. Trump, is unique and will be memorable for all those in attendance at the convention and those watching around the country. Stay tuned," Executive Vice President and Special Counsel Michael Cohen told CNN.

    Jump out of cake naked????????
    Parachute into the hall?????
    Be a flaming flambe?????
    Exposed to Ebola virus and then kept in a giant jar for 4 days?
    Greeter – like at Walmart????

    • Jump out of cake naked????????

      Congratulations. You just made me sick.

    • nounverb911

      Take the Gerbil off his head and stick it back up his ass?

      • Got it! Fire Romney and give the nomination to himself!

      • zippy_w_pinhead

        he can't, his head is in the way

    • Introduce Rafalca??????????

    • Announce that Romney will be on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice??

    • pinkocommi

      May i suggest a dunking booth?

      • Yes, but in the traditional Navy way that is sometimes known as keel hauling.

    • Callyson

      MC at the strip club that will have the Sarah Palin look alike?

    • chicken_thief

      He going to release the findings of his crack investigative team's search of Hawaii records for one "Barack Hussein Obama"?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Declare bankruptcy again?

    • Just out of curiosity is the Trump related to Kim Il Jong?

    • bobbert

      We can always hope that whatever it it, it will startle the strapped delegates.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The GOP is descending rapidly into a very bad parody of itself.

  • Callyson

    Henry David Thoreau:

    Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

    Lloyd Blankfein:

    Back to doing God's work

    Liquor company executives:

    Payday! Tell the breweries and distilleries to amp up production for the masses, who will need even more once word gets out!

    Also: FFS…

  • pinkocommi

    Prosecuting Goldman Sachs would have thrown off the balance of the universe -you know the balance where the moneyed elite get to live like kings and the rest of us are relegated to poverty.

  • RadioBowels

    I sure like those Gold Sacs on the bull.

    • nounverb911

      Blankfein does a good job polishing them.

  • Right. And Don Corleone was just in the olive oil business.

  • This is just bull-cockey.

  • Baconzgood

    Banks steal money bangs go free. You can't explain it.

  • I don't have time to think about this now. My car elevator is stuck.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I don't follow sports but…who is the guy they dragged before Congress for the doping scandal? Twice? And Goldman…is innocent?

  • I guess Rick Santelli was right — it was, in fact, the fault of those poor and middle-class people who bought risky loans they couldn't afford that caused the housing collapse. They should all be thrown in jail — except, of course, those who would go willingly for the food and shelter.

  • MissTaken

    Too big to jail.

    • SorosBot

      That is awesome right there.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Too big to jail because the jails are owned by the big.

  • TribecaMike

    Went to see The Campaign today, and there's a scene involving Goldman Sachs buying off one of the protagonists. Funny and smart flick, though it gets a little sappy and repetitive 4/5 of the way through, just like Fellini Satyricon did. I think it might even be a reboot of Fellini Satyricon.

  • schvitzatura

    A ray of hope?

    "If any additional or new evidence emerges, today's assessment does not prevent the department from reviewing such evidence and making a different determination, if warranted," the statement said.

    • bobbert


    • HistoriCat

      Please – that's a "we'll keep your resume on file" line if I ever heard one.

    • OneDollarJuana

      That's just bullshit to keep us from revolting today. Or tomorrow after breakfast.

  • chicken_thief

    "…and we can all go back to blaming Poors and Political Correctness for causing the housing crash and subsequent recession,…"

    Pfft. Everyone knows Obama caused the crash. Retroactively, before he was elected.

  • In other news, a black man has been sentenced to life in the electric chair for shoplifting a loaf of bread from a local supermarket…

  • barto

    The balls on that bull are way too small to be representative of Wall St.

  • Blunderthing

    I am so turning in that homeless guy for "Conduct Unbecoming A Poor". If he had only found Jeebus and not had an abortion or ate one corndog instead of two at the shelter, the economy would be sitting by the pool in Boca Raton having its fifth Oh What The Hell Daquiri.

  • BZ1

    Just check out what Canada does to rogue bankers (politely make them obey the law!)

  • mosjef

    If all that is true, why does my ass still hurt every time I sit down?

  • Callyson

    And the poll on the right hand side of Wonkette's home page is fitting (results so far in parens):

    Do you believe that the economic benefits of legalized gambling outweigh its societal impact?

    Yes, the economic benefits strongly outweigh its societal impact (8%)
    Yes, the economic benefits somewhat outweigh its societal impact (23%)
    No, the societal impact outweighs the economic benefits (23%)
    No, the societal impact outweighs the economic benefits (19%)
    No strong opinion (27%)

    (And yes, the "no" options are worded precisely the same way.)

    Now, what would the results look like if you replaced "legalized gambling" with "Wall Street speculation"?

    • OneDollarJuana

      Once share value is not directly linked to business performance it becomes gambling.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Bread and circuses only delay the inevitable. Eventually there will be no bread and the rich will be fed to lions at the circuses.

  • ttommyunger

    As if any other outcome had been expected….

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Evidence as it exists "at this time".

    At least people downtown can sleep at night, now that the damned shredders have stopped.

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