SCISSOR SISTERS  12:16 pm August 10, 2012

DHS Chief Janet Napolitano Sued For Being A Giant Lezzy, Apparently

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

We wrote "Janet Reno" like 30 times in this post and had to go back and fix them allHave you ever wondered if Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano likes vag? You probably have wondered that. She is asked if she is lesbionic all the time, by everyone, just constantly. Well, now comes a lawsuit from a guy who was demoted after Napolitano took over at DHS, so she could replace him with a woman, Dora Schriro, with whom she had a “long-standing relationship.” Also, some crazy person keeps calling subordinates on the telephone and screaming that she wants to blow them? That doesn’t sound very lesbian, but whatever, it is very sexually harrassy (and weird!).

So Obama and Napolitano come in, James T. Hayes Jr. gets demoted and replaced, and sues because whatever.

In court papers filed in Washington federal court, Hayes says [Dora] Schriro — who previously served as director of the Arizona Department of Corrections under Napolitano — was named a “special adviser” to Napolitano on detention and removal operations in February 2009 and began to replace him at DHS and ICE meetings.

“Schriro was not as qualified for the position plaintiff had because of lack of federal law-enforcement experience,” Hayes’ suit says.

“Schriro did have experience, however, working with Secretary Napolitano. Schriro enjoyed a long-standing relationship with the secretary.”

The suit doesn’t detail the nature of their relationship.

That is pretty damning, all right, Napolitano hiring someone she’d already worked with for a long time. WHO WAS A LADY. Also it is clear that being replaced by a woman means ipso facto that you were targeted because you were a man. Why else would a man be replaced by a woman unless there was stark obvious sexism at play, or worse, affirmative action? That is just so obvious it shouldn’t even need to be said. Then there’s this other hilarious chick:

The court papers also allege that Suzanne Barr, Napolitano’s chief of staff at Immigration and Customs Enforcement, has engaged in “numerous” acts of “sexually offensive behavior” intended to “humiliate and intimidate male employees.

Barr’s alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’

Now, who wouldn’t take that in the generous spirit with which it was obviously intended?

[NYPost]

 
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{ 152 comments }

Barb_ August 10, 2012 at 12:18 pm

"Barr’s alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’ "

Yeah, men HATE when you do that!

Oblios_Cap August 10, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Yeah! I'll be outraged if you did that to me. I double dog dare you!

HateMachine August 10, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I know I certainly do, which is why such treatment should be reserved for when I have been behaving badly, and need to be punished.

miss_grundy August 10, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Awwwwwww, has someone been reading Fifty Shades of Gray??????????

HateMachine August 10, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Nah, I ain't need to read smut lit to have, well, Interests.

IonaTrailer August 10, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Fifty Shades of Grey – the literary equivalent of crack.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Me third!

P.S. Barr's not unattractive.

IncenseDebate August 10, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Looks like she may have a cock or two lodge back there in her throat.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 12:32 pm

If not, I'd volunteer in a heartbeat.

GuidanceRo_Man August 10, 2012 at 1:28 pm

She does have that Britney Spears in 2030 about her, yes? (Assuming she doesn't OD before that).

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Perhaps this man's penis would not reach the back?

HateMachine August 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Unless it were, er, dislodged somehow…
*shudder*

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 10, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Why is it that every women does that? Can't they control themselves instead of always demanding our essence?

Biff August 10, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Really puts the "suck" in "succubus"!

Goonemeritus August 10, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Speaking for most men I would like to point out that our aversion to casual sex stems from a fear of being objectified. Also would it kill you ladies to spend a few minutes cuddling afterwards?

Barb_ August 10, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Cuddling only takes time away from frying bacon for your club sandwich.

Goonemeritus August 10, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I do love me some club sammich’s.

bikerlaureate August 10, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Any unattached sisters?

rickmaci August 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm

A little wine would help. And chocolates.

FlownOver August 10, 2012 at 12:47 pm

And still the Republicans claim government doesn't create jobs.

Boojum August 10, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Is she hiring?

rickmaci August 10, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I heard she is hard on her staff. But I may have misunderstood.

Nibbler of Niblonia August 10, 2012 at 2:15 pm

If it was true, he would have accepted the offer and never spoken a word of it to anyone. That's how we know this is false.

bobbert August 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

This is just a case of slightly fuzzy recall on the guy's part. What she actually said was "Blow me".

DahBoner August 10, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I'm applying for a "job" down at ICE ICE BABY

nounverb911 August 10, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Looks like somebody needs to be put on the "No fly" list.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 10, 2012 at 12:38 pm

The no blow list?

bumfug August 10, 2012 at 12:20 pm

There's just no blowjob like a lesbian blowjob.

emmelemm August 10, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Mostly because it's so rare, like a unicorn.

freakishlywrong August 10, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Well fuck, at least she didn't hire Michael (Brownie) Brown.

Geminisunmars August 10, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Heck of a b-j, Brownie.

Not_So_Much August 10, 2012 at 12:21 pm

This is a very difficult time to be a white, penised-American.

Oblios_Cap August 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Or a white penised American.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Both of you assume facts not in evidence with respect to plaintiff.

Jus_Wonderin August 10, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I prematurely withdraw my objection.

TribecaMike August 10, 2012 at 3:36 pm

All white penised Americans should immediately contact their dick doctor while the condition is still treatable.

CrunchyKnee August 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Yeah, because there's no real reasons to not like Ms. Napolitano's policies…so, let's go after her lesbianic ways.

iburl August 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

How come Suzanne Barr never works the cancer-porno machines in the airport? She can invade my privacy and degrade me in public anytime.

elviouslyqueer August 10, 2012 at 12:23 pm

“Barr also created a frat-house type atmosphere that is targeted to humiliate and intimidate male employees,” court papers say.

Wait, I'm confused. A woman creating a frat-house type atmosphere, and dudes are complaining?

DaSandman August 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Really. These lads are a mite confused. Sign me up!

ph7 August 10, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Performance review rating: Zero point zero.

HateMachine August 10, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to feel up airline passengers, son.

Lascauxcaveman August 10, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I can't believe you threw up *ON* the TSA department head.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Bush appointees, no less.

chicken_thief August 10, 2012 at 12:45 pm

The old "You wanna suck my cock?! I'll give you 30 minutes to quit that!!!"

SoBeach August 10, 2012 at 12:48 pm

We men are sensitive creatures. Women often mistake our silence for approval when they engage in their off-color, sexually charged banter. But we don't approve. In fact, we die a little inside every time we are subjected to it.

Boojum August 10, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

bobbert August 10, 2012 at 2:43 pm

le petit mort, indeed.

eggsacklywright August 10, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Shirley, a sorority-house atmosphere would be much more refined.

AncienReggie August 10, 2012 at 1:39 pm

It's those Keystone Lite keggers. If she'd just spring for the Blue Ribbon complaints would taper off.

Mumbletypeg August 10, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Cocktober Surprise arrives early.

Giant Lezzy… chief of staff…screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’

Well, the surprise part, anyway.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 10, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I threaten to skullf*ck my male colleagues all the time. What's the problem?

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Hiring?

elviouslyqueer August 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm

*dusts off resume, emails to BSFD*

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Yes, but you do it in such a nice way.

BaldarTFlagass August 10, 2012 at 12:24 pm

"alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’"

This shit happens to me at work all the time.

Oblios_Cap August 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Girls always want your clock in the back of their throat? How odd.

IncenseDebate August 10, 2012 at 12:54 pm

So they know when it's time for the schlong.

eggsacklywright August 10, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I'm trying to put together a daylight savings time and gag reflex joke but it's not working out for some reason.

bikerlaureate August 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Whew. That makes more sense than "cloak".

GunToting[Redacted] August 10, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Tell me about it. I read it as "chipmunk."

taylormattd August 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm

So how is it working at Penthouse Forum?

LastGasp August 10, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Schriro enjoyed a long-standing relationship with the secretary.

Now who can prove she actually enjoyed the "relationship." Sometimes, you have to do horrible things to get ahead in this world.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Bow-chicka-whatnow?

Tundra Grifter August 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The more I read about the right wing obsession with trivia, the happier I am.

SorosBot August 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The tiny-dicked woman-hating macho men have really been getting angry lately.

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

How exactly does one do scissors while standing for a long time?

pinkocommi August 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

If Hayes attributes everything wrong in the world to Napolitano being a lesbian, I am going to attribute everything wrong in this story to Hayes having a small penis.

viennawoods13 August 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

OT, but David Rakoff died. I am sad.

Mumbletypeg August 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Pretty sure this guy was being interviewed as I happened to have NPR on returning from lunch one day months ago; I found his voice engaging and his tale was so moving I meant to follow up online & learn more about him, but then forgot about it. 47, wow. Truly a loss.

Jus_Wonderin August 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I know. Sigh…………………….

Oblios_Cap August 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Hayes looks like a penis with ears. Therefore he's obviously a goat fucker.

Angry_Marmot August 10, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Chupacabra libel! … What? Oh, goatfucker.

Boojum August 10, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Hey, I look like a penis with ears, and I haven't fucked a goat in years!

SorosBot August 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Plus, Yüksel Aytuğ and the people at the Free Republic don't want to have sex with Janet Napolitano, which is just as important for the head of DHS as it is for Olympic athletes.

Buzz Feedback August 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Mary Kay Letorneau will be taking over at the Ed. Dept.

Jus_Wonderin August 10, 2012 at 12:41 pm

However, Lorena Bobbit is going to slash the Ed. Dept budgets.

Lascauxcaveman August 10, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Lizzie Borden is gonna axe the budget of Mental Health Services.

eggsacklywright August 10, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I thought ED was Bob Dole's department.

ChernobylSoup August 10, 2012 at 12:31 pm

At some point you'd think the dude's self respect would have kicked in and stopped him from filing this suit.

Oblios_Cap August 10, 2012 at 12:35 pm

You're assuming he has any.

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 12:42 pm

For fuck's sake, he will work for a woman. How much self-respect could he have?

chicken_thief August 10, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Seriously, you KNOW during the interview process at some point he weighed the age old question "would I or would I not bone her?" If the answer was "no", then why take the job?

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Guy must be queer or something.

BaldarTFlagass August 10, 2012 at 12:32 pm

They start by acting just a little discreet.
Then they're in the skies and they're in the streets.
You can find them in cars or a hotel lobby,
They're easy to find, just look for a body.
Planet of women, oh yeah.
Just a planet of women, oh yeah.
It's driving me insane.

fartknocker August 10, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Simple solution: give everyone involved an aspirin and ask them to squeeze it with their knees. This will surely stop any sexual proclivities.

not that Dewey August 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Janet's dad, Leonard Napolitano, is dating Thelma Domenici, sister of retired/disgraced Senator Pete Domenici. Thelma runs an etiquette school. Don't ask me how I know this.

DaveJ August 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm

First lesson at etiquette school: no late night calls screaming for cock in the back of your throat. Save that shit for business hours.

not that Dewey August 10, 2012 at 12:48 pm

That should be a prerequisite. We can't be paying for remediation.

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm

A hand-written note is the more civilized way to ask sensitive questions. Stick figure drawings are a nice touch.

Biff August 10, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Goddamned for-profit schools are adding $billions to the student debt load…

Boojum August 10, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Is "debt load" a euphemism?

IncenseDebate August 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I pine for the days when an intern wanted the Big Dog's dong in the vicinity of her larynx.

Callyson August 10, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Yawn, this lesbian rumor has existed for at least a decade–no one in the civilized parts of Arizona (yes, they exist, though they are definitely endangered) gave a shit. Neither do those of us in civilized America…

Oblios_Cap August 10, 2012 at 12:37 pm

the story was broken by by blogger Debbie Schlussel. What a citizen-journalist.

SorosBot August 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Well it's nice to see her taking a break from her usual insanity of "We must kill all the Muslims!".

pdiddycornchips August 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm

""alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’"

She should be transferred to the Secret Service.

chicken_thief August 10, 2012 at 12:58 pm

The problem wasn't with the request, it was SCREAMING the request.

calliecallie August 10, 2012 at 12:40 pm

And Jane Fonda will play Janet Napolitano in the Lifetime movie that will be made as a result.

MissTaken August 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

To be fair it is difficult to keep your pussy clean when you can only carry 3 ounces of liquid around.

DahBoner August 10, 2012 at 3:23 pm

#WINNING

SheriffRoscoe August 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Little known fact: Lesbians do enjoy the odd mancock in the backs of their throats.

Lascauxcaveman August 10, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Mine is pretty odd; pls send them my way.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 10, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Don't we all?

SheriffRoscoe August 10, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Remember, you have to get it past the teeth before it starts to feel good.

Limeylizzie August 10, 2012 at 12:57 pm

By lesbians, do you mean gay men?

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 1:17 pm

That loud wet squishy sound was every straight male reader spontaneously creaming his jeans.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Why does she want his cake in the back of her throat?

JustPixelz August 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm

It's "c–k". Obviously a reference to his "cork" which he bought on a trip to Italy. It's possible she wanted his "cask" in the back of her throat. He bought the cask on the same trip.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm

If liking vag is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 12:46 pm

We need to bring in Janet Reno to straighten out this whole mess.

SheriffRoscoe August 10, 2012 at 12:48 pm

lmao

Lascauxcaveman August 10, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Heh, "straighten."

[/titters].

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Even if it's Father/Daughter Day at Chelsea's school?

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Stop fooling around in the Wonkette comments, Walnuts!!

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Get off my lawn!

miss_grundy August 10, 2012 at 1:46 pm

There hasn't been a Janet Reno Dance Party in a long time.

mrblifil August 10, 2012 at 12:46 pm

"Fuckable" should definitely be on the list of litmus tests for lady feds. It's in the Constitution.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 10, 2012 at 12:46 pm

So, the only racists are the color folks, and the only sexual harrassers are the women folk.

My White, Male Brothers! We Must Rise Up And Fight The Power!!!

chicken_thief August 10, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I going to do the French Army thing and just surrender to the perverted ways of the woman oppressors.

bikerlaureate August 10, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Help, help, I'm being repressed!

Biff August 10, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Political appointments–how do they fuckin' work?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 10, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Is it a defense to point out that this lawsuit contradicts every letter to Penthouse ever written?

Beowoof August 10, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I am getting my resume together, any one have the link where send. Besides the back of her throat.

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I didn't even know Roseanne Barr had a law enforcement background!

James Michael Curley August 10, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Since my son saw Wicked the other day I reminded him of when we saw the stage performance of "The Wizard of Oz" staring Roseanne Barr and when she melted it washed out the first three rows.

Limeylizzie August 10, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I have something in common with Janet Napolitano…we both have that odd little white streak of hair, although mine is more to the side , but I actually have much more in common with the cock-gobbling Suzanne Barr.

James Michael Curley August 10, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Something under my desk is starting to twitch.

Limeylizzie August 10, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Do you work for Suzanne?

James Michael Curley August 10, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I report to “The Old Bat” and she is out today so I can spend more time on the internet.

ttommyunger August 10, 2012 at 11:29 pm

It would seem I have something in common with fast-driving Janet, since we both enjoy going lickety-split.

chicken_thief August 10, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I had lunch with Napolitano on several occasions.

She always got the fish.

Jes' sayin'.

widestanceromance August 10, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Fingernail length. . .long, normal or trimmed for business?

lurker_above August 10, 2012 at 1:03 pm

As head of ICE, Barr should clearly do the honorable thing and self-deport. To my pants.

James Michael Curley August 10, 2012 at 1:04 pm

"Now, who wouldn’t take that in the generous spirit with which it was obviously intended?"

Not if she was subject to lockjaw seizures.

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 1:04 pm

This is just a publicity campaign for Hayes' new erotic novel, "50 Shades Of Wuss".

Generation[redacted] August 10, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Yes, but what does he think about the female Olympic athletes?

JustPixelz August 10, 2012 at 1:09 pm

politically incorrect joke…

Two gay guys are sitting on a park bench on a nice sunny day when they notice a beautiful woman walking in their direction. She is gorgeous. They can't take their eyes off her as she comes down the path, goes past them, and continues out of sight. One of the gay guys then says to the other, "It's times like this I wish I were a lesbian".

Limeylizzie August 10, 2012 at 1:13 pm

OK enough Wonk Porn, I am off to the gym, I will be riding the bike…

bobbert August 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Sybian libel?

JustPixelz August 10, 2012 at 1:19 pm

screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat

So many Repubicans have described how the Obama Administration is ramming things* down throats, I'm surprised to hear the (alleged) opposite ramifying.
_____________________
* democratically enacted laws

Biel_ze_Bubba August 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

They do have an obsession with that imagery, don't they?

JustPixelz August 10, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Me too, but in my mind it ain't laws that are going down throats. Not cheese fries either. The internets has numerous helpful videos and photos on this subject. Like this one (IMO SFW) :http://static8.businessinsider.com/image/4e49467fecad04747a000009/michele-bachmann-corndog.jpg

TribecaMike August 10, 2012 at 10:40 pm

I would be remiss not to salute your HTML footnote formatting.

lunchbox360 August 10, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Funny. She doesn't look Lebanese.

TribecaMike August 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Neither does surf guitar legend Dick Dale. I could of sworn he was from the land of the Navajo. http://bloximages.newyork1.vip.townnews.com/phill

rickmaci August 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm

So what happened? The DHS guy was afraid to go to the ICE meetings and he got ED? Jeeezus guy, gobble some blue pills, man up and do your duty for your country.

elburritodeluxe August 10, 2012 at 3:23 pm

What, just because she's a professional single woman she's a Lesbian? Just because she's a single professional woman with short hair? Just because she's a single professional woman with short hair who dresses in a manly fashion? Just because she's a single professional woman with short hair who dresses in a manly fashion and is in law enforcement?

Jukesgrrl August 10, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Seriously, Republicans talking about the former Arizona governor's appearance? Compared to Jan Brewer, she looks like Madame Sarkozy.

mosjef August 10, 2012 at 7:12 pm

It's comforting to know our security is in man hands.

Guppy August 10, 2012 at 9:38 pm

The court papers also allege that Suzanne Barr, Napolitano’s chief of staff at Immigration and Customs Enforcement, has engaged in “numerous” acts of “sexually offensive behavior” intended to “humiliate and intimidate male employees.

Unless the guy is a committed husband/a Mormon/etc, I really can't think of what's "humiliating" about being pressured into receiving oral sex. Hasn't every piece of feminist writing in the past 50 years been about how horrible porn is for focusing on humiliating fellatrixes*?

About the only "humiliation" I'm seeing for this guy is "ZOMG, her libido his bigger than mine! The world turned upside down!"

*Which is a shame, as a good fellatrix should be prized and treasured.

ttommyunger August 10, 2012 at 11:30 pm

So, after all those years of Janet Reno, this is news because?

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