scissor sisters

DHS Chief Janet Napolitano Sued For Being A Giant Lezzy, Apparently

We wrote "Janet Reno" like 30 times in this post and had to go back and fix them allHave you ever wondered if Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano likes vag? You probably have wondered that. She is asked if she is lesbionic all the time, by everyone, just constantly. Well, now comes a lawsuit from a guy who was demoted after Napolitano took over at DHS, so she could replace him with a woman, Dora Schriro, with whom she had a “long-standing relationship.” Also, some crazy person keeps calling subordinates on the telephone and screaming that she wants to blow them? That doesn’t sound very lesbian, but whatever, it is very sexually harrassy (and weird!).

So Obama and Napolitano come in, James T. Hayes Jr. gets demoted and replaced, and sues because whatever.

In court papers filed in Washington federal court, Hayes says [Dora] Schriro — who previously served as director of the Arizona Department of Corrections under Napolitano — was named a “special adviser” to Napolitano on detention and removal operations in February 2009 and began to replace him at DHS and ICE meetings.

“Schriro was not as qualified for the position plaintiff had because of lack of federal law-enforcement experience,” Hayes’ suit says.

“Schriro did have experience, however, working with Secretary Napolitano. Schriro enjoyed a long-standing relationship with the secretary.”

The suit doesn’t detail the nature of their relationship.

That is pretty damning, all right, Napolitano hiring someone she’d already worked with for a long time. WHO WAS A LADY. Also it is clear that being replaced by a woman means ipso facto that you were targeted because you were a man. Why else would a man be replaced by a woman unless there was stark obvious sexism at play, or worse, affirmative action? That is just so obvious it shouldn’t even need to be said. Then there’s this other hilarious chick:

The court papers also allege that Suzanne Barr, Napolitano’s chief of staff at Immigration and Customs Enforcement, has engaged in “numerous” acts of “sexually offensive behavior” intended to “humiliate and intimidate male employees.

Barr’s alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’

Now, who wouldn’t take that in the generous spirit with which it was obviously intended?

[NYPost]

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152 comments

  1. Barb_

    "Barr’s alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’ "

    Yeah, men HATE when you do that!

    1. HateMachine

      I know I certainly do, which is why such treatment should be reserved for when I have been behaving badly, and need to be punished.

      1. GuidanceRo_Man

        She does have that Britney Spears in 2030 about her, yes? (Assuming she doesn't OD before that).

    2. Goonemeritus

      Speaking for most men I would like to point out that our aversion to casual sex stems from a fear of being objectified. Also would it kill you ladies to spend a few minutes cuddling afterwards?

    3. Nibbler of Niblonia

      If it was true, he would have accepted the offer and never spoken a word of it to anyone. That's how we know this is false.

    4. bobbert

      This is just a case of slightly fuzzy recall on the guy's part. What she actually said was "Blow me".

    1. TribecaMike

      All white penised Americans should immediately contact their dick doctor while the condition is still treatable.

  2. CrunchyKnee

    Yeah, because there's no real reasons to not like Ms. Napolitano's policies…so, let's go after her lesbianic ways.

  3. iburl

    How come Suzanne Barr never works the cancer-porno machines in the airport? She can invade my privacy and degrade me in public anytime.

  4. elviouslyqueer

    “Barr also created a frat-house type atmosphere that is targeted to humiliate and intimidate male employees,” court papers say.

    Wait, I'm confused. A woman creating a frat-house type atmosphere, and dudes are complaining?

    1. SoBeach

      We men are sensitive creatures. Women often mistake our silence for approval when they engage in their off-color, sexually charged banter. But we don't approve. In fact, we die a little inside every time we are subjected to it.

    2. AncienReggie

      It's those Keystone Lite keggers. If she'd just spring for the Blue Ribbon complaints would taper off.

  5. Mumbletypeg

    Cocktober Surprise arrives early.

    Giant Lezzy… chief of staff…screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’

    Well, the surprise part, anyway.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    "alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’"

    This shit happens to me at work all the time.

      1. eggsacklywright

        I'm trying to put together a daylight savings time and gag reflex joke but it's not working out for some reason.

  7. LastGasp

    Schriro enjoyed a long-standing relationship with the secretary.

    Now who can prove she actually enjoyed the "relationship." Sometimes, you have to do horrible things to get ahead in this world.

  8. pinkocommi

    If Hayes attributes everything wrong in the world to Napolitano being a lesbian, I am going to attribute everything wrong in this story to Hayes having a small penis.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Pretty sure this guy was being interviewed as I happened to have NPR on returning from lunch one day months ago; I found his voice engaging and his tale was so moving I meant to follow up online & learn more about him, but then forgot about it. 47, wow. Truly a loss.

  9. SorosBot

    Plus, Yüksel Aytuğ and the people at the Free Republic don't want to have sex with Janet Napolitano, which is just as important for the head of DHS as it is for Olympic athletes.

  10. ChernobylSoup

    At some point you'd think the dude's self respect would have kicked in and stopped him from filing this suit.

      1. chicken_thief

        Seriously, you KNOW during the interview process at some point he weighed the age old question "would I or would I not bone her?" If the answer was "no", then why take the job?

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    They start by acting just a little discreet.
    Then they're in the skies and they're in the streets.
    You can find them in cars or a hotel lobby,
    They're easy to find, just look for a body.
    Planet of women, oh yeah.
    Just a planet of women, oh yeah.
    It's driving me insane.

  12. fartknocker

    Simple solution: give everyone involved an aspirin and ask them to squeeze it with their knees. This will surely stop any sexual proclivities.

  13. not that Dewey

    Janet's dad, Leonard Napolitano, is dating Thelma Domenici, sister of retired/disgraced Senator Pete Domenici. Thelma runs an etiquette school. Don't ask me how I know this.

    1. DaveJ

      First lesson at etiquette school: no late night calls screaming for cock in the back of your throat. Save that shit for business hours.

      1. widestanceromance

        A hand-written note is the more civilized way to ask sensitive questions. Stick figure drawings are a nice touch.

  14. Callyson

    Yawn, this lesbian rumor has existed for at least a decade–no one in the civilized parts of Arizona (yes, they exist, though they are definitely endangered) gave a shit. Neither do those of us in civilized America…

    1. SorosBot

      Well it's nice to see her taking a break from her usual insanity of "We must kill all the Muslims!".

  15. pdiddycornchips

    ""alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’"

    She should be transferred to the Secret Service.

  16. calliecallie

    And Jane Fonda will play Janet Napolitano in the Lifetime movie that will be made as a result.

  17. MissTaken

    To be fair it is difficult to keep your pussy clean when you can only carry 3 ounces of liquid around.

    1. widestanceromance

      That loud wet squishy sound was every straight male reader spontaneously creaming his jeans.

    1. JustPixelz

      It's "c–k". Obviously a reference to his "cork" which he bought on a trip to Italy. It's possible she wanted his "cask" in the back of her throat. He bought the cask on the same trip.

    1. chicken_thief

      I going to do the French Army thing and just surrender to the perverted ways of the woman oppressors.

  18. Beowoof

    I am getting my resume together, any one have the link where send. Besides the back of her throat.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Since my son saw Wicked the other day I reminded him of when we saw the stage performance of "The Wizard of Oz" staring Roseanne Barr and when she melted it washed out the first three rows.

  19. Limeylizzie

    I have something in common with Janet Napolitano…we both have that odd little white streak of hair, although mine is more to the side , but I actually have much more in common with the cock-gobbling Suzanne Barr.

        1. James Michael Curley

          I report to “The Old Bat” and she is out today so I can spend more time on the internet.

    1. ttommyunger

      It would seem I have something in common with fast-driving Janet, since we both enjoy going lickety-split.

  20. James Michael Curley

    "Now, who wouldn’t take that in the generous spirit with which it was obviously intended?"

    Not if she was subject to lockjaw seizures.

  21. JustPixelz

    politically incorrect joke…

    Two gay guys are sitting on a park bench on a nice sunny day when they notice a beautiful woman walking in their direction. She is gorgeous. They can't take their eyes off her as she comes down the path, goes past them, and continues out of sight. One of the gay guys then says to the other, "It's times like this I wish I were a lesbian".

  22. JustPixelz

    screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat

    So many Repubicans have described how the Obama Administration is ramming things* down throats, I'm surprised to hear the (alleged) opposite ramifying.
    _____________________
    * democratically enacted laws

  23. rickmaci

    So what happened? The DHS guy was afraid to go to the ICE meetings and he got ED? Jeeezus guy, gobble some blue pills, man up and do your duty for your country.

  24. elburritodeluxe

    What, just because she's a professional single woman she's a Lesbian? Just because she's a single professional woman with short hair? Just because she's a single professional woman with short hair who dresses in a manly fashion? Just because she's a single professional woman with short hair who dresses in a manly fashion and is in law enforcement?

  25. Guppy

    The court papers also allege that Suzanne Barr, Napolitano’s chief of staff at Immigration and Customs Enforcement, has engaged in “numerous” acts of “sexually offensive behavior” intended to “humiliate and intimidate male employees.

    Unless the guy is a committed husband/a Mormon/etc, I really can't think of what's "humiliating" about being pressured into receiving oral sex. Hasn't every piece of feminist writing in the past 50 years been about how horrible porn is for focusing on humiliating fellatrixes*?

    About the only "humiliation" I'm seeing for this guy is "ZOMG, her libido his bigger than mine! The world turned upside down!"

    *Which is a shame, as a good fellatrix should be prized and treasured.

Comments are closed.