scissor sisters

DHS Chief Janet Napolitano Sued For Being A Giant Lezzy, Apparently

We wrote "Janet Reno" like 30 times in this post and had to go back and fix them allHave you ever wondered if Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano likes vag? You probably have wondered that. She is asked if she is lesbionic all the time, by everyone, just constantly. Well, now comes a lawsuit from a guy who was demoted after Napolitano took over at DHS, so she could replace him with a woman, Dora Schriro, with whom she had a “long-standing relationship.” Also, some crazy person keeps calling subordinates on the telephone and screaming that she wants to blow them? That doesn’t sound very lesbian, but whatever, it is very sexually harrassy (and weird!).

So Obama and Napolitano come in, James T. Hayes Jr. gets demoted and replaced, and sues because whatever.

In court papers filed in Washington federal court, Hayes says [Dora] Schriro — who previously served as director of the Arizona Department of Corrections under Napolitano — was named a “special adviser” to Napolitano on detention and removal operations in February 2009 and began to replace him at DHS and ICE meetings.

“Schriro was not as qualified for the position plaintiff had because of lack of federal law-enforcement experience,” Hayes’ suit says.

“Schriro did have experience, however, working with Secretary Napolitano. Schriro enjoyed a long-standing relationship with the secretary.”

The suit doesn’t detail the nature of their relationship.

That is pretty damning, all right, Napolitano hiring someone she’d already worked with for a long time. WHO WAS A LADY. Also it is clear that being replaced by a woman means ipso facto that you were targeted because you were a man. Why else would a man be replaced by a woman unless there was stark obvious sexism at play, or worse, affirmative action? That is just so obvious it shouldn’t even need to be said. Then there’s this other hilarious chick:

The court papers also allege that Suzanne Barr, Napolitano’s chief of staff at Immigration and Customs Enforcement, has engaged in “numerous” acts of “sexually offensive behavior” intended to “humiliate and intimidate male employees.

Barr’s alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’

Now, who wouldn’t take that in the generous spirit with which it was obviously intended?

[NYPost]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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Comments

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  • Barb_

    "Barr’s alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’ "

    Yeah, men HATE when you do that!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Yeah! I'll be outraged if you did that to me. I double dog dare you!

    • HateMachine

      I know I certainly do, which is why such treatment should be reserved for when I have been behaving badly, and need to be punished.

      • miss_grundy

        Awwwwwww, has someone been reading Fifty Shades of Gray??????????

        • HateMachine

          Nah, I ain't need to read smut lit to have, well, Interests.

        • IonaTrailer

          Fifty Shades of Grey – the literary equivalent of crack.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Me third!

      P.S. Barr's not unattractive.

      • IncenseDebate

        Looks like she may have a cock or two lodge back there in her throat.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          If not, I'd volunteer in a heartbeat.

      • GuidanceRo_Man

        She does have that Britney Spears in 2030 about her, yes? (Assuming she doesn't OD before that).

    • widestanceromance

      Perhaps this man's penis would not reach the back?

      • HateMachine

        Unless it were, er, dislodged somehow…
        *shudder*

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Why is it that every women does that? Can't they control themselves instead of always demanding our essence?

      • Biff

        Really puts the "suck" in "succubus"!

    • Goonemeritus

      Speaking for most men I would like to point out that our aversion to casual sex stems from a fear of being objectified. Also would it kill you ladies to spend a few minutes cuddling afterwards?

      • Barb_

        Cuddling only takes time away from frying bacon for your club sandwich.

        • Goonemeritus

          I do love me some club sammich’s.

        • bikerlaureate

          Any unattached sisters?

      • rickmaci

        A little wine would help. And chocolates.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      And still the Republicans claim government doesn't create jobs.

    • Boojum

      Is she hiring?

      • rickmaci

        I heard she is hard on her staff. But I may have misunderstood.

    • Nibbler of Niblonia

      If it was true, he would have accepted the offer and never spoken a word of it to anyone. That's how we know this is false.

    • bobbert

      This is just a case of slightly fuzzy recall on the guy's part. What she actually said was "Blow me".

    • DahBoner

      I'm applying for a "job" down at ICE ICE BABY

  • nounverb911

    Looks like somebody needs to be put on the "No fly" list.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      The no blow list?

  • bumfug

    There's just no blowjob like a lesbian blowjob.

    • emmelemm

      Mostly because it's so rare, like a unicorn.

  • freakishlywrong

    Well fuck, at least she didn't hire Michael (Brownie) Brown.

    • Geminisunmars

      Heck of a b-j, Brownie.

  • Not_So_Much

    This is a very difficult time to be a white, penised-American.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Or a white penised American.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Both of you assume facts not in evidence with respect to plaintiff.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          I prematurely withdraw my objection.

    • TribecaMike

      All white penised Americans should immediately contact their dick doctor while the condition is still treatable.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Yeah, because there's no real reasons to not like Ms. Napolitano's policies…so, let's go after her lesbianic ways.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    How come Suzanne Barr never works the cancer-porno machines in the airport? She can invade my privacy and degrade me in public anytime.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “Barr also created a frat-house type atmosphere that is targeted to humiliate and intimidate male employees,” court papers say.

    Wait, I'm confused. A woman creating a frat-house type atmosphere, and dudes are complaining?

    • DaSandman

      Really. These lads are a mite confused. Sign me up!

    • ph7

      Performance review rating: Zero point zero.

      • HateMachine

        Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to feel up airline passengers, son.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I can't believe you threw up *ON* the TSA department head.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Bush appointees, no less.

    • chicken_thief

      The old "You wanna suck my cock?! I'll give you 30 minutes to quit that!!!"

    • SoBeach

      We men are sensitive creatures. Women often mistake our silence for approval when they engage in their off-color, sexually charged banter. But we don't approve. In fact, we die a little inside every time we are subjected to it.

      • Boojum

        Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

      • bobbert

        le petit mort, indeed.

    • eggsacklywright

      Shirley, a sorority-house atmosphere would be much more refined.

    • AncienReggie

      It's those Keystone Lite keggers. If she'd just spring for the Blue Ribbon complaints would taper off.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Cocktober Surprise arrives early.

    Giant Lezzy… chief of staff…screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’

    Well, the surprise part, anyway.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I threaten to skullf*ck my male colleagues all the time. What's the problem?

    • widestanceromance

      Hiring?

    • elviouslyqueer

      *dusts off resume, emails to BSFD*

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yes, but you do it in such a nice way.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’"

    This shit happens to me at work all the time.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Girls always want your clock in the back of their throat? How odd.

      • IncenseDebate

        So they know when it's time for the schlong.

      • eggsacklywright

        I'm trying to put together a daylight savings time and gag reflex joke but it's not working out for some reason.

      • bikerlaureate

        Whew. That makes more sense than "cloak".

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          Tell me about it. I read it as "chipmunk."

    • taylormattd

      So how is it working at Penthouse Forum?

  • LastGasp

    Schriro enjoyed a long-standing relationship with the secretary.

    Now who can prove she actually enjoyed the "relationship." Sometimes, you have to do horrible things to get ahead in this world.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Bow-chicka-whatnow?

  • Tundra Grifter

    The more I read about the right wing obsession with trivia, the happier I am.

  • SorosBot

    The tiny-dicked woman-hating macho men have really been getting angry lately.

  • widestanceromance

    How exactly does one do scissors while standing for a long time?

  • pinkocommi

    If Hayes attributes everything wrong in the world to Napolitano being a lesbian, I am going to attribute everything wrong in this story to Hayes having a small penis.

  • viennawoods13

    OT, but David Rakoff died. I am sad.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Pretty sure this guy was being interviewed as I happened to have NPR on returning from lunch one day months ago; I found his voice engaging and his tale was so moving I meant to follow up online & learn more about him, but then forgot about it. 47, wow. Truly a loss.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I know. Sigh…………………….

  • Oblios_Cap

    Hayes looks like a penis with ears. Therefore he's obviously a goat fucker.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Chupacabra libel! … What? Oh, goatfucker.

    • Boojum

      Hey, I look like a penis with ears, and I haven't fucked a goat in years!

  • SorosBot

    Plus, Yüksel Aytuğ and the people at the Free Republic don't want to have sex with Janet Napolitano, which is just as important for the head of DHS as it is for Olympic athletes.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Mary Kay Letorneau will be taking over at the Ed. Dept.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      However, Lorena Bobbit is going to slash the Ed. Dept budgets.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Lizzie Borden is gonna axe the budget of Mental Health Services.

      • eggsacklywright

        I thought ED was Bob Dole's department.

  • ChernobylSoup

    At some point you'd think the dude's self respect would have kicked in and stopped him from filing this suit.

    • Oblios_Cap

      You're assuming he has any.

    • widestanceromance

      For fuck's sake, he will work for a woman. How much self-respect could he have?

      • chicken_thief

        Seriously, you KNOW during the interview process at some point he weighed the age old question "would I or would I not bone her?" If the answer was "no", then why take the job?

        • widestanceromance

          Guy must be queer or something.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They start by acting just a little discreet.
    Then they're in the skies and they're in the streets.
    You can find them in cars or a hotel lobby,
    They're easy to find, just look for a body.
    Planet of women, oh yeah.
    Just a planet of women, oh yeah.
    It's driving me insane.

  • fartknocker

    Simple solution: give everyone involved an aspirin and ask them to squeeze it with their knees. This will surely stop any sexual proclivities.

  • not that Dewey

    Janet's dad, Leonard Napolitano, is dating Thelma Domenici, sister of retired/disgraced Senator Pete Domenici. Thelma runs an etiquette school. Don't ask me how I know this.

    • DaveJ

      First lesson at etiquette school: no late night calls screaming for cock in the back of your throat. Save that shit for business hours.

      • not that Dewey

        That should be a prerequisite. We can't be paying for remediation.

      • widestanceromance

        A hand-written note is the more civilized way to ask sensitive questions. Stick figure drawings are a nice touch.

    • Biff

      Goddamned for-profit schools are adding $billions to the student debt load…

      • Boojum

        Is "debt load" a euphemism?

  • IncenseDebate

    I pine for the days when an intern wanted the Big Dog's dong in the vicinity of her larynx.

  • Callyson

    Yawn, this lesbian rumor has existed for at least a decade–no one in the civilized parts of Arizona (yes, they exist, though they are definitely endangered) gave a shit. Neither do those of us in civilized America…

  • Oblios_Cap

    the story was broken by by blogger Debbie Schlussel. What a citizen-journalist.

    • SorosBot

      Well it's nice to see her taking a break from her usual insanity of "We must kill all the Muslims!".

  • pdiddycornchips

    ""alleged acts include calling one man “in his hotel room and screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat.’"

    She should be transferred to the Secret Service.

    • chicken_thief

      The problem wasn't with the request, it was SCREAMING the request.

  • calliecallie

    And Jane Fonda will play Janet Napolitano in the Lifetime movie that will be made as a result.

  • MissTaken

    To be fair it is difficult to keep your pussy clean when you can only carry 3 ounces of liquid around.

    • DahBoner

      #WINNING

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Little known fact: Lesbians do enjoy the odd mancock in the backs of their throats.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Mine is pretty odd; pls send them my way.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Don't we all?

      • SheriffRoscoe

        Remember, you have to get it past the teeth before it starts to feel good.

    • Limeylizzie

      By lesbians, do you mean gay men?

    • widestanceromance

      That loud wet squishy sound was every straight male reader spontaneously creaming his jeans.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Why does she want his cake in the back of her throat?

    • JustPixelz

      It's "c–k". Obviously a reference to his "cork" which he bought on a trip to Italy. It's possible she wanted his "cask" in the back of her throat. He bought the cask on the same trip.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If liking vag is wrong, I don't want to be right.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    We need to bring in Janet Reno to straighten out this whole mess.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      lmao

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Heh, "straighten."

      [/titters].

    • widestanceromance

      Even if it's Father/Daughter Day at Chelsea's school?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Stop fooling around in the Wonkette comments, Walnuts!!

        • widestanceromance

          Get off my lawn!

    • miss_grundy

      There hasn't been a Janet Reno Dance Party in a long time.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    "Fuckable" should definitely be on the list of litmus tests for lady feds. It's in the Constitution.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, the only racists are the color folks, and the only sexual harrassers are the women folk.

    My White, Male Brothers! We Must Rise Up And Fight The Power!!!

    • chicken_thief

      I going to do the French Army thing and just surrender to the perverted ways of the woman oppressors.

    • bikerlaureate

      Help, help, I'm being repressed!

  • Biff

    Political appointments–how do they fuckin' work?

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Is it a defense to point out that this lawsuit contradicts every letter to Penthouse ever written?

  • Beowoof

    I am getting my resume together, any one have the link where send. Besides the back of her throat.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    I didn't even know Roseanne Barr had a law enforcement background!

    • James Michael Curley

      Since my son saw Wicked the other day I reminded him of when we saw the stage performance of "The Wizard of Oz" staring Roseanne Barr and when she melted it washed out the first three rows.

  • Limeylizzie

    I have something in common with Janet Napolitano…we both have that odd little white streak of hair, although mine is more to the side , but I actually have much more in common with the cock-gobbling Suzanne Barr.

    • James Michael Curley

      Something under my desk is starting to twitch.

      • Limeylizzie

        Do you work for Suzanne?

        • James Michael Curley

          I report to “The Old Bat” and she is out today so I can spend more time on the internet.

    • ttommyunger

      It would seem I have something in common with fast-driving Janet, since we both enjoy going lickety-split.

  • chicken_thief

    I had lunch with Napolitano on several occasions.

    She always got the fish.

    Jes' sayin'.

    • widestanceromance

      Fingernail length. . .long, normal or trimmed for business?

  • lurker_above

    As head of ICE, Barr should clearly do the honorable thing and self-deport. To my pants.

  • James Michael Curley

    "Now, who wouldn’t take that in the generous spirit with which it was obviously intended?"

    Not if she was subject to lockjaw seizures.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    This is just a publicity campaign for Hayes' new erotic novel, "50 Shades Of Wuss".

  • Generation[redacted]

    Yes, but what does he think about the female Olympic athletes?

  • JustPixelz

    politically incorrect joke…

    Two gay guys are sitting on a park bench on a nice sunny day when they notice a beautiful woman walking in their direction. She is gorgeous. They can't take their eyes off her as she comes down the path, goes past them, and continues out of sight. One of the gay guys then says to the other, "It's times like this I wish I were a lesbian".

  • Limeylizzie

    OK enough Wonk Porn, I am off to the gym, I will be riding the bike…

    • bobbert

      Sybian libel?

  • JustPixelz

    screaming at him that she wanted his ‘c–k in the back of [her] throat

    So many Repubicans have described how the Obama Administration is ramming things* down throats, I'm surprised to hear the (alleged) opposite ramifying.
    _____________________
    * democratically enacted laws

  • lunchbox360

    Funny. She doesn't look Lebanese.

  • rickmaci

    So what happened? The DHS guy was afraid to go to the ICE meetings and he got ED? Jeeezus guy, gobble some blue pills, man up and do your duty for your country.

  • elburritodeluxe

    What, just because she's a professional single woman she's a Lesbian? Just because she's a single professional woman with short hair? Just because she's a single professional woman with short hair who dresses in a manly fashion? Just because she's a single professional woman with short hair who dresses in a manly fashion and is in law enforcement?

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Seriously, Republicans talking about the former Arizona governor's appearance? Compared to Jan Brewer, she looks like Madame Sarkozy.

  • mosjef

    It's comforting to know our security is in man hands.

  • Guppy

    The court papers also allege that Suzanne Barr, Napolitano’s chief of staff at Immigration and Customs Enforcement, has engaged in “numerous” acts of “sexually offensive behavior” intended to “humiliate and intimidate male employees.

    Unless the guy is a committed husband/a Mormon/etc, I really can't think of what's "humiliating" about being pressured into receiving oral sex. Hasn't every piece of feminist writing in the past 50 years been about how horrible porn is for focusing on humiliating fellatrixes*?

    About the only "humiliation" I'm seeing for this guy is "ZOMG, her libido his bigger than mine! The world turned upside down!"

    *Which is a shame, as a good fellatrix should be prized and treasured.

  • ttommyunger

    So, after all those years of Janet Reno, this is news because?

  • BJ001

    You’re an idiot.

  • BJ001

    She’s a bitch and evil.