Remembrance of Veepstakes Past

Time Travel With Wonkette To The Marvelous Day When John McCain Picked Sarah Palin, America’s GILF

Shine On, You Crazy DiamondFollowing Willard Mittsworth Moneybaggs Romney IV’s introduction of his exciting Veep pick, Paul Ryan, Your Wonkette presents a look back at the heady days of 2008, when enfeebled man-who-would-be-king John McCain invigorated his moribund campaign by choosing as his running mate an exciting fresh face with impeccable conservative credentials, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. While news outlets around the nation asked themselves, “wait, WHO?” Wonkette readers were already well aware of who she was: Alaska’s GILF, the hottest Maverick ever depicted in LEGO (which, as nerds, we know is a singular mass noun; the individual little pieces are not “Legos,” but “bricks” … which is what most of us also shat at the thought of the empty-headed moose-shooter being a heartbeat away from the Presidency).

So join us on a trip down memory lane as we present the blogging equivalent of a clip show. Hey, remember the time we went to Alaska and became frenemies with a crazy lady?

Whatever else we can say about Paul Ryan, we can guarantee that he will not be nearly as entertaining.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • bumfug

    Starting to look like "A Children's Treasury Of Shitty GOP Vice-Presidential Picks" up in here.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Dan Quayle wants in on some of that action.

      • Serolf_Divad

        Seriously, is Dan Quayle the UR-VP Candidate, or was that Spiro Agnew?

        • Dudleydidwrong

          With those two cards in your hand, most people would throw in (or throw up) and go play something exciting, like badminton. But the Gee-No-Pee keeps drawing, and they have come up with Palin and now Ryan, two more to add to a losing hand. I'm surprised that Mittens didn't pick Cheney (maybe afraid he'd get shot?)

          • Serolf_Divad

            Oh, God… how could I leave out Cheney… probably because the memory is too close and painful, the wound still too fresh.

          • Boojum

            You hunt?

        • BerkeleyBear

          Nixon, now and always. Since not only was he the mold for the psychotic squirrel as VP, he actually managed to get the GOP nom in 2 different races, won the presidency twice, and foisted both Spiro Agnew and Gerald Ford on the nation.

        • HogeyeGrex

          I saw an interview with Quayle some years back and couldn't help but think how much more adult and Presidential he came off than the then-current resident of 1600 Penn, W. The goalposts have been moved so far, if it weren't for the billboards you couldn't tell you were on the field at all.

          This, about the guy I semi-jokingly referred to at the time as GWHB's life insurance because fuck, that's what you'd get if you killed him?

          • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

            I was awake in the wee hours when the "Bushuru" incident happened in Japan (GWHB Bush Vomiting all over the Japanese Prime Minister) the Reporters started talking about where Dan Qualye was and if he was ready to assume control. Luckily that panic only lasted less than an hour, but Jesus, that was scary. President Ryan may be scarier though, because he is driven by an evil ideology whereas Quayle was more of a blank slate of stupid.

          • tessiee

            "the guy I semi-jokingly referred to at the time as GWHB's life insurance because fuck, that's what you'd get if you killed him?"

            The joke circulating at the time was that if the Prez were in any dire distress, clutched his chest indicating an impending heart attack, etc., the Secret Service had instructions to *immediately* shoot Quayle.

          • Negropolis

            With votes, of course.

        • tessiee

          "is Dan Quayle the UR-VP"

          My sister said that the dream team was Ford and Quayle in '00.

    • Barrelhse

      Nice one, bumfug!

  • memzilla

    It's about time for some enterprising libtard political blog to dig up Paul Ryan's sordid spread in Playgirl, nu?

    • Serolf_Divad

      I'm pretty sure Playgirl would have passed on our man, not quite up to standards, you see… what's the female-audience analogue to Hustler?

      • beezie687

        That would be Martha Stewart Living.

        • zumpie

          Hey, Martha's a big Dem—she'd never let such teatard trash near her magazine.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        The female analog to Hustler is Hairy Ass.

      • IonaTrailer

        Cross-Dresser Magazine? http://gawker.com/paul-ryan/?comment=51773410

        (Ryan as Rand)

      • billy_reuben

        What you're looking for here is the analogue to Juggs.

    • Callyson

      Do. Not. Want.

  • JustPixelz

    I gather for more than a few people she went from GILF to GIF. I base that solely on unsubstantiated rumors, plus the documentary "Who's Nailin' Paylin?".

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

      See, I read GIF, and I think "dumb Internet meme". Which is also a way to describe her!

    • HogeyeGrex

      Is that an animated GIF?

    • Barrelhse

      She kind of went from being a GILF to being whatever the acronym is for At the Thought of Her Everybody's Dick Shriveled Up and Got Put Away, While Several Bi-men Swore Off Women.

      • tessiee

        Also, my private parts slammed shut with an audible "clank!".

  • orygoon

    Thanks ever so much for reminding us of our national stupid. It's like picking at a splinter that won't come out.

    • kittensdontlie

      On a positive note, a nasty pus did build up behind her and she was finally expelled(mostly)!

      • Geminisunmars

        It is still draining though.

  • Barb_

    And four years later, she still doesn't know that the Vice President's duties are.

    • Naked_Bunny

      To be fair, she didn't seem to pick up what the duties of a governor are, either, and she actually had that job.

      • Terry

        She quit when they started insisting that she actually be in Alaska and work for her money.

        • Barb_

          Terry, I am not sure if you saw the HBO movie, "Game Change" or not. I truly respect your opinion. Do you believe that Sarah Palin actually said, "I so don't want to go back to Alaska?"

          • BerkeleyBear

            I bet she said something like it, even if she meant "I don't want to be Governor" rather than "I never want to set foot in the place again." Having been exposed to the candor of Rod Blagojevich (who was all but climbing the walls in his campaign office he hated his job so much), I get the feeling that a lot of governors are sociopaths who got into politics for the glory, are convinced they are destined for greater things and absolutely despise the actual business of governing. Think Reagan, W, Perry, Walker, Scott, Jindal, McDonnell, Bayh, and Blago just to name a few past and present (I'm guessing Cuomo doesn't exactly love Albany, either). These clowns are the ones who invariably spend more days out of state fundraising and attending party functions at various levels where they get treated like VIPs and get to engage in various acts of dick measuring (especially the female ones), jump at the chance to go campaigning for others, and when they do support legislation do so only in line with some outside agenda they think will help their national image.

          • Negropolis

            I totally believe she said that, or at least something to that extent. Sociopath gets thrown around a lot, these days, but it just oozes out of her. I don't even think she'd miss Alaska for a day if she were ever able to truly get away. The only reason she is still there even part of the time is that I think she realizes how much of a small fish she'd be in a huge pond if she were to ever move to the Lower 48. Up there, she can still play Queen of Wasila.

          • Terry

            It's sort of like Bush's "ranch" in Crawford. I think she likes Alaska as a prop. Her reality show proved that she's not the outdoors woman she says she is. Hell, we've seen that nothing about her is as she says it is.

          • wolvenwood13

            I was a psychotherapist for 15 years; my diagnosis is that she's a borderline personality. Drama queen, attention-seeking, shallow and feelings hurt VERY easily. And on top of that, she's probably a sociopath as well as being stump stupid. Not a pretty picture inside that pointy head of hers.

          • Terry

            I'm sure she said something like that. Her former constituents in AK seem convinced she didn't want to be up there either.

          • NorthStarSpanx

            Negropolis is onto something, she just liked the pageantry part of it; god help you if you had to go in on a meeting with Sarah who'd be all , "Hi, I'm Sarah from Wasilla, I'm so grounded and real and hard working and pitbull but down with it," and then get on her Blackberries as you go into your elevator pitch. You'd have to hold up shiny objects if it were more than a minute long. And don't you even go there if you had a criticism (real or perceived) because her eyes would sharpen and jaw jut out and then she'd have to set her staff and ghostwriters onto you – then she'd stick her tongue out at you as you walked out the door.

            Governing is for chumps, it's the Title, the elusive Title she was shackled by, that gets her off.

            As for Alaska, we played a crucial and supporting role in her bigger than life narrative that would catch the Lower 48's attention (we all wait for it after we say where we are from) and she'd skate pretty easily with her Frontier 'prowess' after that. Just don't look behind the curtain.

          • Terry

            I think you nailed it. She's not a smart person, but she's got an almost feral wile and meanness that gotten her far.

          • viennawoods13

            Feral. I like that. You nailed it. And what happens when you corner a wild animal? Look out.

          • Negropolis

            And that's exactly what happened. They looked behind the curtain. Boy did the media look behind the curtain. So long as she stayed in Alaska that could be Alaska's little secret. But, she got greedy. And, when confronted with reality, instead of being apologetic and honest about her narrative, she doubled down and then even tried to take the falsehoods to the next level. Her complete lack of humility is her defining characteristic, if you ask me.

    • not that Dewey

      I don't know whether owls saw it or not, but I did. Are you threatening him? Are you doing to him what you accused V572 of doing to you? How does Twitter feel about your divulging someone else's personal information?

    • http://wonkette.com Jim Newell

      Barb, send me an email.

  • XeckyGilchrist

    That LEGO figure isn't Sarah Palin, it's Sir Elton John.

  • JustPixelz

    She has her faults, but at least she's no Paul Ryan.

    Fun fact: Ryan is an anagram for "yarn" which is a tall tale.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      And uncomfortably close to "Aryan." Just sayin'.

      • Serolf_Divad

        Ryan = Ayn R.

        Just tossin' out another possibility, here.

        • Weenus299

          "Paul" brings "ReLoveUtion" to mind.

          • BerkeleyBear

            I think buying off the Paultard revolt might well be the whole point of this, the more I think about it.

          • Negropolis

            I hadn't even thought of that. I wonder how well it will work, though? Ron would have to give his blessing, still, and I think Ron realizes that though closer than Romney, Ryan is still no Paultard. Ryan still believes in a government both so big and so small that it can fit in a ladys's business and wage intercontinental war at the same time.

          • horsedreamer_1

            "government both so big and so small that it can fit in a ladys's business and wage intercontinental war at the same time"

            Government brought to you by Ron Popeil?

        • MinAgain

          Okay, now you're scaring me.

        • bikerlaureate

          You are so beautiful to me-eeeee.

    • Boojum

      Paul Davis Ryan is a Panda Lay Virus

    • Barrelhse

      Paul Ryan = Pencil Dick

    • Negropolis

      Wha?!

      They are both equally disgusting. One for her total, genuine, and dangerous lack of curiosity, and the other for his true believing ways.

    • blueflowers

      Mitt Romney is an anagram for "Moment I Try"

  • OneYieldRegular

    You just think Ryan isn't going to be as entertaining. Wait until you find out he owns a full scale replica of Ayn Rand crafted in butter with his own hands.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Doubtful… how long do you think a sculpture such as that would last in the Ryan household before it was licked down to nuthin'?

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Given that he's cold-blooded…

      • tessiee

        He keeps it in the refrigerator so it's got a nice lifelike chilliness when he takes it out for Saturday night bow-chicka-bow-bow.

    • YasserArraFeck

      I'm holding out for the "Ayn Rand blow-up doll" revelation.

      • zumpie

        Heh, I was just thinking, "and what does he do with his lifesized, butter based Ayn Rand?"

        • James Michael Curley

          I'm guessing you never saw "Last Tango in Paris."

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    Gordita crunchwrap supremes and pajamas for everyone!

  • JustPixelz

    Now that Paul Ryan is on the ticket, can we never mention S—- P—-™ again?

    • BarackMyWorld

      S.W.S.N.B.N. (She Who Shall Not Be Named)?

      • YasserArraFeck

        VoldeCunt – oops, I said it…

    • Biff

      Who?

      • UW8316154

        T

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, can we start calling her "That One" a la John McCain about Obama?

      • NorthStarSpanx

        No, unfortunately, all the LSM outlets are going to go to her to get her sage opinion on all that Ryan has gotten himself into.

        We shan't ever be rid of her.

        • bobbert

          I fear you are right.

          The best we can hope for is that she will eventually subside to a mere recurring annoyance, like Kristol or Krauthammer or Noonan.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Executive Experience!

  • tihond

    Glen RIce was there first.

  • Biff

    After finally watching the VP selection from this morning, I can see another wardrobe looting scheme on the horizon. What a schlub, amirite?

    • zumpie

      To be fair, at least Ryan's kids were dressed decently. Unlike the hideous parade of polyester we saw the Palin children sporting.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Thanks for the mammaries, Wonkette!

    • LakeLucilleLoon

      Sarah Palin thanks Sarah Pac for her new ones.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I wonder what the fuck Paul Ryan can see from his house.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Rich people.

    • arihaya

      Canada?

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Lazy homeless people.

      • new_pic_for_NEWTer

        Distance — "The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep."

        …from The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce

    • C_R_Eature

      A 4 lane expansion of I-90.

      • Biff

        Is that the NAFTA Highway?

        • C_R_Eature

          Yup. There will be tolls also, but they will only take Ameros.

        • MissNancyPriss

          NAMBLA Highway. I'm calling it now.

    • Serolf_Divad

      The rest of Galt's Gulch.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        Bet there isn't a goddamn perpetual motion machine anywhere in sight to prop up Ryan's three-book manifesto on selfishness.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      A "roadmap", where he really needs a moral compass?

    • Barrelhse

      Taverns. Everywhere.

    • tessiee

      Third World America.

    • Negropolis

      Abandoned GM factories. Seriously.

    • tessiee

      Potterville.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Hitler?

  • annettaj

    Well all the granny starver needs is fuck you pumps and his wife to be a secessionist
    to really bring back memories of Sarah.

  • arihaya

    Fuck You Bill Kristol for talent-scouting this twat as veep candidate.

    • MistaEko

      Bill Kristol is the guy in the draft room that told the GMs to get Ryan Leaf, Greg Oden, and Len Bias.

      /Paul Ryan Leaf. It will stick! It will stick!

    • annettaj

      Which twat; Palin or Ryan?

  • fartknocker

    Please pick this woman to be Paul Ryan's debate coach.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Love it! I just wrote that on my hand so I won't forget.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Unveiling the new addition to prime-time viewing on Fox, January 2013:

    Inside Ayn's Anus, with Paul Ryan.

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      Atlas Buggered.

    • MinAgain

      Hmmm. Could give a whole new meaning to "fountainhead".

    • Fare la Volpe

      Enema Shrugged

    • Graham Cracker

      I love these deep, probing shows on Faux.

  • C_R_Eature

    10 Whore Diamonds for the Alt-Text.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I LOVE YOU, WIKIPEDIA.

    edit: Damn…already gone!

    • CivicHoliday

      did you get a screen capture? always get that!

    • Barrelhse

      The link just worked for me (6 hrs after your post), and I must say he's certainly a douchebag- but attractive?

    • tessiee

      Best screen capture EVAR!!

  • Groupshrug

    Waiting for Faux News to comment on what a hunky dreamboat Paul Ryan is.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Wait… have they ever stopped?

      • miss_grundy

        And have all the male anchors verbally fapping over him.

        • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          Kilmeade and Doocy will have the equivalent of a verbal swordfight singing Ryan's praises and when Gretchen tries to join in, Kilmeade will yell, "Fuck you, bitch! This is men talking about men here! Go make me a sammich!"

          • Negropolis

            I shouldnt' have laughed that hard; it's just not right.

    • Barrelhse

      Waiting for someone to drop a large incendiary bomb on Fox News studios. Jesus?

  • Weenus299

    Ryan did some creepy thing to get through college. I forgot what it was. See? I done generated a meme? No really, he did something like use his death money to go through college and later rail on about how we don't need Pell Grants and student loans and shit.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Doing creepy shit in college/prep-school is pretty much a requirement to join the GOP club. Cf. Mitt Romney forcibly cutting the hair of a gay classmate, or Bobbie Jindal performing an Exorcism on a female classmate.

      • Biff

        Don't forget Aqua Buddha!

    • MinAgain

      He used his social security death benefits to pay for college. But I'm sure he'll come up with some bogus reason why that doesn't make him the biggest damn hypocrite on the planet.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        "I was entitled but the rest of you aren't."

      • Geminisunmars

        He had no idea how wrong it was until he later became enlightened. Like Jesus, he converted.

  • Beowoof

    I remember Sarah's selection, as I remember having a hemorrhoid. It was painful and stuck around being a pain the ass for a long time.

    • kittensdontlie

      "Hemorrhoid, you sir, are no Sarah Palin(yea, she is a way bigger pain in the ass)."

  • Toomush_Infer

    I just would've liked a web shot of Boehner finding out the news about the Ryan pick – somehow I think there must have been tears involved…

    • tessiee

      Boner [sobbing like the little bitch he is]: Why? Why did he pick Ry-hi-hi-an? Why didn't he pi-hih-hih-ick me? *I* have beautiful blue eyes! Don't I have beautiful blue eyes?
      Mitch McConnell [bored]: Uh, sure, I guess.

  • LetUsBray

    As long as we're talking shitty VPs, where's the love for Dick the Undead?

    For that matter, what about his precursor, Aaron Burr? When that fucker shot a dude in the face, he stayed dead.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Now that you mention it, I remember her. She came with a lot of baggage and it wasn’t Samsonite. More like an American tourister abroad: loud and obnoxious. But the laffs. She gave us the laffs.

    • Graham Cracker

      She came with matching shopping bags from Wal*Wort

      • Negropolis

        Is there any other kind?

  • LetUsBray

    Anyway, the winky pic reminds me: That harpy sure has aged in four short years, hasn't she?

    • berkeleyfarm

      She really has. Meth: helluva drug.

    • C_R_Eature

      She and her buddies sure have aged me in the past four short years.

      • HogeyeGrex

        Not half as much as the previous eight, though.

        • C_R_Eature

          Goes without saying.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Or what ten grand a day in makeup people can do for someone.

      • Biff

        This.

  • C_R_Eature

    "Then she went and had that baby and gave him a weirdass name, which was forever enshrined as “your post has been deleted by the site administrator.”

    Now, that's funny!

    • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

      Thanks! Also, thanks for the reminder that it needed to be in italics. FIXED!

      • C_R_Eature

        At Your Service, Blog-Maestro.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Only because it's true.

  • C_R_Eature

    John McCain, starring in The Lion in Wintard

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Your recap, while brilliant, Dok, is incomplete without mention of some impishly inspired 'tributes' to Palin's impact on our political landscape. Without Sarah, bless her heart, we'd never have heard of mudflats.net nor had the opportunity to interact with palinaspresident~

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Sometimes I think I know this woman better than my own sister. There is so much wrong with that.

  • MinAgain

    What's the G stand for? Gorgon?

    • Serolf_Divad

      Gestapo.

    • ProgressiveInga

      G-note.

    • Chichikovovich

      goniff

    • C_R_Eature

      Gevault, Oy.

    • bikerlaureate

      Griftette.

    • tessiee

      Goofball.

  • ttommyunger

    "Whatever else we can say about Paul Ryan, we can guarantee that he will not be nearly as entertaining." However, considering the penchant for penis in Republican circles, he will be infinitely more fappable.

  • ttommyunger

    Grifter I'd Like To Forget?

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    I regret she was not allowed to give a concession speech.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    This brings back memories of a bunch of us getting banned by Ken for being too crude in our initial reaction to her existence, her red pumps and that hideous banana clip in her hair. I have learned my lesson and won't hope that Paul Ryan gets a tonsillectomy with a Moose dick. I'm above that now.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Ken, who posted on two topics: how Sarah Palin is a slob for eating a snack by a pool and how we are all going to die in some sort of peak oil apocalypse? That Ken?

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    This whole Veep sideshow just proves that Mittens is more desperate than a housewife on Wisteria Lane.

  • C_R_Eature

    This post has been deleted for old time's sake.

    • kittensdontlie

      Retard! Retard! Retard!(This is a test, this was only a test of the Wonkette emergency deleting administrator).

      • C_R_Eature

        Yup! That one still works! Woohoo!

        EDIT: The Test Forbidden Word post that was Deleted by the Administrator was just Deleted by the Administrator. Damn. I was hoping it would live in Infamy.

        • bobbert

          Yesterday, I was reminded that "girt" (reversed) still tri activates the deleter, even when embedded in another word. You'd think whoever maintains this system could write a better regex, after all this time.

          • C_R_Eature

            Nope, it's a Dumbhammer. The word that constantly used to trip me up was "Tr!@@er".

  • owhatever

    Sarah sat around disconsolate all morning, crying "Why didn't Mitt choose me? It's because of what Bristol's kid, whathisname, said on TV, isn't it? Why does he hate my fambly?"

  • Goonemeritus

    Seeing Sarah through the misty lens of time, while knowing about the rise in the Tea Party a few short years latter is full of strange emotions for me. I imagine it would be akin to casting back ones memory to the first lost finger for an end stage leper in biblical times.

    • http://slackoftownnola.wordpress.com Comrade Wingtardd

      … or the first time a castaway must drink his own urine

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I've seen Sarah, I've heard Sarah speak, I've known Sarah to eat potato chips and I'm guessing Sarah smells like rancid turkey giblets. Paul Ryan, you sir are no Sarah Palin, but for the life of me, I can't tell the difference.

    • tessiee

      "Paul Ryan, you sir are no Sarah Palin, but for the life of me, I can't tell the difference."

      Paul Ryan's tits are real.

    • CthuNHu

      Lipstick.

  • C_R_Eature

    Sarah Palin, appearing as "the Ghost of Griftmas Past" in Tricky Dicken's
    A Griftmas Carol

    • TribecaMike

      "At this festive season of the year, Mr Scrooge, … it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the Poor and destitute, who suffer greatly at the present time. Many thousands are in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts, sir."
      "Are there no prisons?"
      "Plenty of prisons…"
      "And the Union workhouses." demanded Scrooge. "Are they still in operation?"
      "Both very busy, sir…"
      "Those who are badly off must go there."
      "Many can't go there; and many would rather die."
      "If they would rather die," said Scrooge, "they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population."

      • C_R_Eature

        That's the reason Charles Dickens would refer to A Christmas Carol as "The Hammer".

  • thefrontpage

    Ryan is an idiot, a moron, ignorant, a doofus, a horrible politician, an anti-intellectual, and, let's just face it, a complete asshole.

    Anyone who votes for Romney and Ryan needs to be psychologically examined.

    Romney picked a complete idiot.

    Sorry for the lack of humor, but it just needs to be said: Romney and Ryan are assholes.

    • Geminisunmars

      What's not to laugh?

  • CivicHoliday

    I will fondly remember those early days, as I fondly remember 3am hairballs coughed up at the end of my bed

    • LibertyLover

      Careful where you step!

  • TribecaMike

    Palin: Winkin
    Ryan: Blinkin
    Romney: Nod

  • C_R_Eature

    That picture makes me feel funny in my bathing suit area Fundus.

    • TribecaMike

      There's "a plane passing horizontally through the cardiac orifice"? So that explains the contrails when I fart.

      • C_R_Eature

        It's very hard to deflect blame when all those condensate trails point right at you.

        • kittensdontlie

          As the ol' saying goes, 'the way to a man's cardiac orifice is through his fundus'.

    • GlowneyHouse
      • C_R_Eature

        That has to be the only song on earth with the word "fundus" in the title!

  • ThundercatHo

    Como esta, bitches! I have returned from 11 days in the wilderness (relatively speaking) with a case of wine and a signed copy of "Here Comes Trouble" by my boyfriend Michael Moore. Looks like the fun has just started. Picture this, mAnn Coulter reaches into her nightstand and takes out her dog-eared copy of Atlas Shrugged and her butt-plug with "PauL" scrawled across in purple Mr. Sharpy. . . . .

    • C_R_Eature

      …and the NSA technician on the other end of the spycam retches softly into a wastebasket.

      • ThundercatHo

        Ha! Excellent. It's good to be home.

        • C_R_Eature

          Welcome back! The Rudeness Lamp is lit.

    • tessiee

      "a signed copy of "Here Comes Trouble" by my boyfriend Michael Moore."

      Awesum.
      I got a big kick out of the book cover. Toddler aged Michael Moore riding his big wheel looks exactly the same as present day Michael Moore. Cracks me right up.

  • cheetojeebus

    Great, lets go back and relive that moment when America discovered it had chlamydia. I can't fucking wait.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    from wikipedia:
    Ryan was only 16 when he found his father lying in bed dead. Ryan's father, grandfather and great-grandfather all died from heart attacks at ages 55, 57 and 59 respectively.[15] His father’s death provided Ryan with Social Security benefits until his 18th birthday, which he used to pay for his education at Miami University of Ohio.[16]

    How quickly we forget (especially for Republicans).

    • ProgressiveInga

      Yep, another member of the "Pull the Ladder Up" Gang.

    • C_R_Eature

      What a Moocher.

    • not that Dewey

      which he used to pay for his education at Miami University

      or, as he likes to call it, The Ryan Plan

    • tessiee

      "Found"? Was anybody else in the room? Do we know for sure that he didn't kill his father in order to get his Social Security $$$? He certainly seems like enough of a prick.

      In any case, it would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      so how old is paul ryan?

    • Negropolis

      And, you know, there is nothing wrong with that…if he wasn't such a fucking hypocrite.

      Only Republicans can benefit from such welfare and then turn around and shit on the hand that fed them, the ungrateful bastards.

  • fishwharf

    I was really hoping Dickface would pick Michelle Bachman. This is going to be such a boring election season that I'm going to keep my TV tuned to the Home Shopping Channel until after Christmas.

  • RadioBowels

    I remember well my blink feeling on the cunt: PHONY.
    This time around it was: SMUG.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    "Ryan" is an avatar designed only to withstand a tightly controlled environment. He's never been tested by unscripted encounters. It won't take much prodding for this sanctimonius prick to lose his cool and when it happens I will probably break the internet from watching the video evidence on a continual loop and from overzealous dragging of the playhead.

    • Sheesko

      Thank you for that. I needed something sweet to dream about tonight.

    • tessiee

      "It won't take much prodding for this sanctimonius prick to lose his cool"

      Oh, yeah. You can totally tell he's a brat.

    • Negropolis

      I'm so waiting to see his P90X roid-rage breakdown.

      • anniegetyerfun

        I have faith that Biden can bring it out.

        • Negropolis

          And I have further faith that Joey can use his Old Man Strength to defend himself.

  • BoroPrimorac

    Romney has distanced himself from the Ryan budget in less than a day.

  • ElPinche

    There so much fail in Romney's choice. No wonder they decided to announce at 8:30 pm on a Friday. This smells like Palin all over again.

    • rmjagg

      that way , we won't notice who his running mate is – he'll go unnoticed

    • ThundercatHo

      "This smells like Palin all over again."

      This reminded me of too many pelvic exams on women with vaginal infections. Gak.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Things that begin with RR:

    1. Romney/Ryan

    2. Ruh-Roh.

    • RadioBowels

      Re†ard Redux?

    • doloras

      RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRONALD RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAGAN!!!

    • Geminisunmars

      Rail roaded?

  • Negropolis

    Isn't is just adorable that they think that people like Sarah Palin and Paul Ryan are their Barack Obama's? When are they going to learn that Obama didn't win just because he was photogenic, but because he doesn't come across as a fucking sociopath on television?

  • anniegetyerfun

    God, the winking. I had forgotten about the winking.

    • kittensdontlie

      I see the 'distance has made your heart grow fonder…

    • RadioBowels

      You think that's bad, you should see her anal wink.

  • mosjef

    I'll give her this: she wrote the definitive guide to using make up on the campaign trail called "Going Rouge"

  • rmjagg

    gilf – what's the ' g ' stand for – git ? don't care if she's the last git left on the planet , i would never ….

  • Guppy

    Then she went and had that baby and gave him a weirdass name, which was forever enshrined as “your post has been deleted by the site administrator.”

    I hereby propose the name "Baleeted" for short.

    • LetUsBray

      I suppose that's catchier than 'He Who Must Not Be Named On Wonkette'.

  • LakeLucilleLoon

    Paul Ryan might be a Granny Starver but Palin is a Starving Granny.

    • tessiee

      Not quickly enough.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        It's a good thing this bag of bones doesn't believe in science and nutrition, plus she'd never be able to pronounce "osteoporosis."

  • comrad_darkness

    I'll remind everyone here that the possible definitions of "Rogue" are: 1) A thief/robber/stealer of daughters in the night 2) a livestock animal that misbehaves to the point where destruction is the only option.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The double V team: Vulture/Voucher 2012

    • LetUsBray

      I'm partial to double G: Gekko/Galt '12.

    • Guppy

      Just remember not to use a certain other V-word around mixed company.

  • tessiee

    "(which, as nerds, we know is a singular mass noun; the individual little pieces are not “Legos,” but “bricks”"

    According to Jane and Michael Stern's Encyclopedia of Pop Culture (a fun book), the singular of the famous toaster pastry is "a Pop Tarts". They theorize that this is because they are intended to be eaten in multiples.

    • Biff

      Once you open that foil-like envelope, there's nothing to it but to toast 'em both.

  • LetUsBray

    Now here's the thing about Galt Boy, though, and where he departs from his idol: Ryan is famous for his Let-The-Olds-Starve policy, but he deserves also to be known for his All Your Fertilized Egg Are Belong To Us policy. He wants to say life begins at fertilization rather than implantation, which would make IUDs and hormonal birth control pills illegal, as well as in-vitro fertilization (owing to discarded extras).

    In short, he may hate the poors, but when it comes to government control of the lady parts, Ryan is only too happy to be the bishops' butt boy.

    • RadioBowels

      There is not a lot to like about the smug prince.

  • Negropolis

    Paul Ryan is Sarah Palin sans charisma, which is to say that Paul Ryan at shit, son.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I remember that when Palin was first picked, I was all, "Wait, isn't that the crazy bitch who always talks about Jesus?" and Wonkette was like, "No, that's Bachmann" and I was, like, "Whew" and then I was super worried that Palin would actually turn the election for McCain. And then she opened her mouth, in front of the camera, and it became obvious just what a goddamn idiot she really was.

    • UW8316154

      My first memory was thinking "THAT is their answer to Hillary??"

  • anniegetyerfun

    It should be noted that this is what Ken said when Palin was sworn in:

    Palin is just 42 and came out of nowhere; she was mayor of a small town. Otherwise, we don’t know anything about her, but we do hope she seeks national office soon because the Capitol is filled with scary old men wandering around in their pajamas and she could really class up the joint.

    May that hope HAUNT HIS FUCKING DREAMS.

    ETA: There were six comments back on that post in 2006, and most of the commenters are still around today!

  • BerkeleyBear

    Nudity, debasement and confession of secrets in fake coffins are supposedly all part of the Skull & Bones rites at Yale (which I'm sure dipshit was legacied into) but not branding.

    Weirdly enough, that shit is more of a historically black fraternity thing. It is sort of like how gays reclaimed the pink triangle from the Nazis – the idea is that somehow by doing it to themselves voluntarily it not only shows dedication but rejection of the slave system.

    White frat boys are more into drunken ankle tattoos (they show up better than brands on most white skin) and paddling. Or, as in my house's weird case, boring tedious labor and mind-fucking to the nth degree, but nothing physical or drug/booze related (in fact we had to forego alcohol during Hell Week, which made it drag that much more).

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Sure she can talk the talk, but can she walk the walk?
    Ooops, my bad. She can't even talk. So forget about all that walking stuff.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    We need a posting for potential pet names for Paul Ryan. I offer my vote…for Sparkle.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Scrooge … Sonny Boy…Paulie Boy…Granny Killer…

      Sociopath/Scrooge 2012 has a nice ring to it.

      • bobbert

        I'm partial to Granny Killa.

    • cheetojeebus

      I like "Husk", you know, as a moniker.

    • C_R_Eature

      Mooch.

      • BoroPrimorac

        This. For all his "gubbmint don't work no good" talk, he sure as fuck loves him some government pay and bennies. Also, his only other grown up job was working for the family construction business as a consultant, which means he was probably getting paid to sit and watch sport center all day.

  • LibertyLover

    At least Paul Ryan won't get preggers.

  • DahBoner

    What's in her eye?

    • C_R_Eature

      It's a Log.

      • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

        I thought you meant one of these

        • C_R_Eature

          "Her heaaaad, her heaaaad, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood!"

    • MonkeyMotion

      I think someone just yanked out a fork.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    So when is someone going to ask Ryan how many YEARS OF TAXES he had to turn over to Romney for vettering?????

    And by the way, this is obviously a case of "hey, press corps!!! look!!! SHINY thing!!!!" They need to get back on the taxes – because something in there will actually end this race.

    I'd like to try my laser pointer cat toy on the reporters that follow Romney…

  • sudsmckenzie

    Anita Cocktail August 29, 2008 at 11:05 am

    "Great. Now we can kiss the word “retard” good-bye. Republicans ruin everything."

    … the day the music died.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Sunday question… Is this the first GOP or other ticket that does not include a mainline Protestant?? (Episcopalian, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Methodist – from the main sections of these churches)

    It's funny, I grew up Catholic and always saw these Protestant groups as the Republican leaning, "old guard". I became Presybeterian 20 years ago and now see myself as part of the ultra liberal wing of Christianity. Most of my most liberal friends are either in these "old guard" churches or Jewish. What changed???

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Most all of those mainline Protestant groups have split over issues related to the conservative cause. Some are barely hanging together (Methodists), some have gone off in two directions (Episcopalians, Lutherans [but they were wandering in several directions for years,] and Presbyterians. You must be hangin' with one of the more liberal wings.

      What changed? Fear, selfishness and greed have become part of the Apostles' Creed. (Hey, that rhymes!) and the Gospel of Success has replaced the Gospel of Sacrifice.

      • bobbert

        Even when I was a youngster (50/60's), the Presbyterians were split (Lutherans too, I believe). While the theoretical basis of the split was doctrine, it was clear even to a pre-teen that the real basis was political ideology (basically, slave-state vs not).

  • Toomush_Infer

    So,Mitt, what do you call your act?…..(wait for it)…….The Plutocrats!!!!….

  • UW8316154

    I'm already getting tired of hearing "he's so handsome"…"what a dreamboat"…."look at those eyes"….

    I look at him (and others with that type of sociopathic "charm") with revulsion. Pretty boys like that are dangerous, narcissistic, manipulative and typically lack a conscience and empathy.

    I guess he has more in common with $arah than I first realized!

  • BoroPrimorac

    Paul Ryan may lose Florida for reasons other than his hatred for granny. As it turns out, he voted three times to end the Cuban embargo.

    • schvitzatura

      Babalu Aye!

  • Blendergoathead

    Wow – trolling back through those threads… we were all so young and innocent then, also.

  • smitallica

    Actually, I never laughed at Sarah Palin, because half of this country LOVED her stupid ass. And that scared the everloving shit out of me. Still does.

  • barto

    She had me at "revenue neural". How can Ryan possibly top that?