SAVE ME PWEASE  9:00 am August 10, 2012

Michael Gerson: Mitt Romney Must Let Chris Christie Emasculate Him

by Jim Newell

Romney the Great and PowerfulAll of these conservative dingdongs out there arguing for THE BOLD VICE PRESIDENT OPTION OF DEATH don’t seem to acknowledge that they’re forcing their presidential candidate to essentially humiliate himself and run a bottom-heavy ticket, as if that’s a sign of campaign wellness or augurs an effective administration. They want either Paul Ryan or Chris Christie because they consider Mitt Romney a weak, pathetic creature, and so in choosing either of them, Romney would be acceding as much. (And of course he is, but if he wants to win the election, moving further in that direction probably isn’t the way.)

David Frum, whose opinions will just steel conservatives’ determination to do the opposite, correctly sees “the Ryan proposal [as] a test of Romney’s leadership,” as in he needs to prove that he can turn them down. Another way of framing this: Is there a greater possible display of weak leadership than in letting Bill Kristol pick the vice presidential candidate again? After last time? When he got John McCain to pick that idiot — who was it — had a daughter or something — from the TV? These people aren’t Mitt Romney’s friends; it’s just another inter-party power exercise for them in which their top priorities are (1) making themselves the shot-callers and (b) getting another line on the resume of their preferred 2016 candidate. Because there’s really no excuse not to pick Rob Portman otherwise.

And yesterday on the Washington Post website, torture-loving Christian columnist Michael Gerson offered even more humiliating advice for Romney by advocating for Chris Christie, who will protect the delicate flower atop the ticket and fight back against those meanies in Chicago. Aww.

Gerson makes his case through the traditional Republican template of arguing for anything: THINK OF IT LIKE WAR (ANY OF WHICH I ALMOST CERTAINLY HAVE NOT FOUGHT IN):

But the trend of the last few weeks favors Chris Christie. The 2012 election has already proved to be a vicious, negative slugfest. In the last few weeks, Romney has been accused of committing a felony, avoiding taxes for a decade and contributing to the death of a woman with cancer. The squeals of various fact-checking outfits go ignored in Chicago. Romney, his family and staff are likely to feel offended and aggrieved. The question they are probably asking themselves is not: Who is the best vice presidential pick? Rather, it is: Who is the best wartime vice presidential pick?

Your Wonkette had to re-read that a few times — like, does Gerson really think that foreign policy will be such a determinant that he needs to make it his top priority in selecting a running mate? — before we remembered, oh right, he has been talking about about the need to defend Mitt Romney against mean attack ads this entire paragraph. It’s just that “wartime vice presidential pick” isn’t really used as a metaphor for something so pathetic as “someone who’s not scared of the teevee commercials” that often.

Romney needs more than an appealing spokesman.

Something less than an unappealing spokesman would be a good thing to consider, though!

He needs someone to engage aggressively on his behalf in the daily D-Day this campaign has become.

WELL, if we were a Republican, we’d be demanding a written apology to the veterans of our Greatest Generation on Tom Brokaw’s desk within the hour; but let’s just call him a toolshed instead.

All four leading vice presidential prospects might play this role. Christie would clearly play it best.

Gross.

Got it, Mitt Romney? Michael Gerson merely wants you to pick Chris Christie because you are a pathetic human being, and the most reasonable way to make up for that would be to pick Chris Christie to fight in D-Day. Isn’t that a winning image?

[WaPo]

 
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{ 125 comments }

ChernobylSoup August 10, 2012 at 9:05 am

All you voters get in mah belly.

Nowisallthereis August 10, 2012 at 10:18 am

There's room for everybody plus elephants and stuff.

Boojum August 10, 2012 at 10:45 am

"Slugfest" is the perfect description of anything involving Chris Christie.

ChernobylSoup August 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

These conservative pundits are doing for Romney what Broder and Cohen usually do for Democrats. It's fun to watch.

Chichikovovich August 10, 2012 at 9:09 am

Well at least nobody's suggested that Romney self-inflicted a wound to get himself sent home after only 6 months in Vietnam. That would be disgraceful.

I mean, for Pete's sake, the guy dodged the war in Vietnam.

CivilMcMannerly August 10, 2012 at 9:10 am

Use Christie as a landing craft. Pile all the VP-candidates on his belly and float away to storm the beaches of… Hawaii? Kenya? Either way, war is hell, man…

ChernobylSoup August 10, 2012 at 9:12 am

"Incoming!"

"Relax, Christie's on point. He'll absorb the blast."

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 9:27 am

Wow! A solution for the obesity crisis in America! Loosen military induction standards and put 'em on the front line!

MacRaith August 10, 2012 at 9:10 am

There's a flaw in this kind of thinking, and it's the idea that Romney could improve his chances of winning with the right VP pick. He can't. The best he can hope for is to not make things worse.

SoBeach August 10, 2012 at 9:43 am

Too true, and everyone knows it. Nobody says it though, because if they did they wouldn't able to fill hours and hours of air time with giddy speculation.

mavenmaven August 10, 2012 at 9:10 am

Chris Christie is certainly the person I would drop by parachute behind enemy lines. Would make a great image, at any rate.

HateMachine August 10, 2012 at 9:24 am

It'd be more effective to drop him sans parachute directly on top of enemy lines. I mean, just think of the damage you'd get out of that kind of payload.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 9:27 am
Limeylizzie August 10, 2012 at 9:35 am

Nooooo .He cannot be dropped behind enemy lines, I am already behind enemy lines with my radio and my basket , being given the once-over by this here Uberleutenant, if Chris Christie shows up my fantasy will become seriously gross.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 9:39 am

Fap harder.

INCOMING!

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 9:54 am

I will crash my plane into Christie, so you can nurse me back to health!

Limeylizzie August 10, 2012 at 10:01 am

Hurry,Chet Kincaid, he's blocking daylight, fly safely!

gurukalehuru August 10, 2012 at 10:01 am

I don't know if they make parachutes in that size, I really don't.

OzoneTom August 10, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Guess that you never saw "Operation Dumbo Drop".

grex1949 August 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

Any aircraft carrying Christie would be seriously over gross weight, in more ways than I can count.

unclejeems August 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm

"Drop" is the operative word there.

Gleem McShineys August 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I am reminded of this, but I am sure there would be much much less introspection on the part of Christie.

salt_bagel August 10, 2012 at 9:10 am

Mittens is not a wartime consigliere.

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 9:25 am

"Christie is easily neutralized, Boss. Alls we gotta do: lure him intada drive-thru at Micky Ds with Old Man Romney's golden ticket, box him in…and perforate his fat ass."

SoBeach August 10, 2012 at 9:12 am

Everyone knows the only way to balance out cold, pandering plutocrat is with obnoxious, abrasive blowhard.

Romney/Christie 2012.

John Birf Society August 10, 2012 at 9:12 am

Laurel/Hardy 2012!

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 9:20 am

WIN

weejee August 10, 2012 at 9:39 am

Can you super-size that?

eggsacklywright August 10, 2012 at 9:56 am

Dig up Brietbart, thus Anus and Andy 2012.

grex1949 August 10, 2012 at 11:42 am

This is another fine mess you've gotten me into!

DaSandman August 10, 2012 at 9:13 am

In that pix Don Christie is looking at Mittens like he's the last appetizer on the plate. When people say that Republicans eat their own they ain't fucking kidding.

BaldarTFlagass August 10, 2012 at 9:13 am

I think Rafalca should be the VP pick. For the equestrian vote.

ChernobylSoup August 10, 2012 at 9:17 am

And Rafalca would take up less room than Christie on the campaign bus.

LesBontemps August 10, 2012 at 9:33 am

Eats less, too.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 9:40 am

Well, he'd just tie the horse to the roof anyway…

weejee August 10, 2012 at 9:42 am

They'll have to re-build the frame and shocks on the campaign bus and make it more like one of these.

Ruhe August 10, 2012 at 9:49 am

Part of the definition of Dressage: "The rider will be relaxed and appear effort-free while the horse willingly performs the requested movement." I can't imagine Mitt looking too relaxed sitting atop Christie.

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 9:15 am

I disagree! If Romney looked like any more of a metrosexual fancy pants Kansas City dandy, he would be running around with his same sex lover and wearing a dress!

Get him out on the firing range and shoot up some advertisements right this instant! Obamacare – boom! Socialism – hand grenade!!! Amtrak — Flame thrower!!!!

Stop the small varmint stuff and show this guy shooting some big guns!!!

elviouslyqueer August 10, 2012 at 9:22 am

he would be running around with his same sex lover and wearing a dress!

PAUL RYAN LIBEL.

Oh, wait.

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 9:30 am

Extra points for harkening back to the rarely mentioned "small varmint gun" dustup of 2007:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1ZTIbr8MuY
http://wonkette.com/262284/mccain-apparently-tryi

viennawoods13 August 10, 2012 at 11:06 am

Always my favourite. Early evidence of his total tool-ness.

TavariousChinaSmith August 10, 2012 at 9:56 am

Perhaps he could ride around in a tank, like President Dukakis did? Or if he really wants to look macho, he could take up windsurfing like President Kerry.

DaSandman August 10, 2012 at 10:41 am

One word: Bazooka.

Mumbletypeg August 10, 2012 at 9:17 am

no excuse not to pick Rob Portman otherwise

Mittbot ponders. "Shoud I go with Portman… or Portly?"

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 9:18 am

Re: Chris Christie D-Day images – The allies CONSIDERED using blimps for the assault, but it was called off due to bad weather.

HateMachine August 10, 2012 at 9:26 am

Also, it's not likely that the Allies had the necessary resources to fuel a craft of that magnitude.

DaSandman August 10, 2012 at 10:41 am

We'd have to go nuclear.

One_who_wanders August 10, 2012 at 9:18 am

There were blimps at D-day?

e_z August 10, 2012 at 9:37 am

sort of blimps, barrage ballons; the mooring cables discouraged low passes of straffing planes. Of course there was not much in the way of Nazi sorties flown against the landing. The Allies flew about 14,000 and the Germans managed about 500.
http://www.americaslibrary.gov/assets/jb/wwii/jb_

TavariousChinaSmith August 10, 2012 at 9:20 am

Why settle for a lightweight like Christie? If you want a real fighter, might was well go for Ann Coulter!

nedbeaumontjr August 10, 2012 at 9:25 am

Because they couldn't find a lightweight like Dumbo or Jumbo.

LesBontemps August 10, 2012 at 9:57 am

At least Ann Coulter can see her own dick.

eggsacklywright August 10, 2012 at 9:20 am

Mittz is afraid of Christie because CC has a personality (such as it is).

mavenmaven August 10, 2012 at 9:20 am

I think, given his background, Romney should be allowed to take several veeps.

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 9:21 am

The best VP pick is Donald Trump. He'll pursue issues like Obama's kindergarten report card – and pick up the remainder of the billionaire vote and the white trash vote.

ChernobylSoup August 10, 2012 at 9:21 am

No snark: I'm still concern trolling for a surprise Kay Bailey Hutchinson pick. Move to the center, pick the least insane female in the party. It's his only chance to stay in the race.

BeefHardcake August 10, 2012 at 9:36 am

Continuing with the lack of snark: my money is on Nikki Haley. She's got the crazies, but she's mediapathic to hell and gone, which is something Romney could really use.

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 9:41 am

Gingrich. It will be Gingrich.

And that fantasy cost me a few Kleenex.

WABishop August 10, 2012 at 10:57 am

Oh please-please-please!

ChernobylSoup August 10, 2012 at 9:42 am

“mediapathic” … comes from the Neal Stephenson book Zodiac … he uses the term to refer to creating images and situations that register across the evening news and creating a lasting impact with viewers, usually creating a positive impact for your side and a negative impact for your adversary.

Interesting

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 9:52 am

That's what they said about Palin.

LesBontemps August 10, 2012 at 9:59 am

Turns out she was just mediapathetic.

BeefHardcake August 10, 2012 at 11:17 am

Yup. Really interesting book, BTW.

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 9:39 am

No more broads!

SoBeach August 10, 2012 at 9:53 am

I agree Romney needs to move to the center with his VP pick. Rush and the gang will deliver the wingnut vote no matter who Romney picks, but the only way Mittens can win is to get a big chunk of Obama-leaning voters to change their minds. And that's not going to happen if he picks a teabagger loon.

That said, it's really unlikely anyone on the Obama side is going to change their mind based on Romney's VP pick. Like MacRaith said above, all Romney can really hope is that his pick doesn't hurt his chances.

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 10:29 am

You forgot voter suppression, that's their ace in the hole.

anniegetyerfun August 10, 2012 at 11:08 am

Kay Bailey would be an excellent choice. She's a pro-choice woman who frequently votes to restrict access to abortion. Mittens will just die of happiness to have an accomplished politician on his team who, like him, can hold many views simultaneously. (Of course, Hutchinson never seems to look like a floundering asshole like Mitt, so therein lies the balance).

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 9:22 am

How do you emasculate a fembot?

eggsacklywright August 10, 2012 at 9:25 am

Retroactively.

HistoriCat August 10, 2012 at 11:07 am

Oh great, now I'm picturing Christie doing the Austin Powers dance to "When I think about you I touch myself." Ew. Ew. EW!

elburritodeluxe August 10, 2012 at 9:24 am

One of these days, Romney… Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon!

JackDempsey1 August 10, 2012 at 9:25 am

"Gerson makes his case through the traditional Republican template of arguing for anything: THINK OF IT LIKE WAR."

This is funny, and, like most things funny, incorrect.
The correct template for selection of a vice president is picking vitamins at the GNC. On a Saturday. With the wife.

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2012 at 9:29 am

What ever happened to Romney's idea of getting a bonus if he does a good job? I'm surprised no one is making more out of that idiotic idea.

Goonemeritus August 10, 2012 at 9:33 am

The sad truth is Romney needs someone who isn’t an insane Machiavellian troll with a poisonous ideology. The trouble is the Party is fresh out of those candidates.

Mumbletypeg August 10, 2012 at 9:33 am

David Frum:

The clamor you are hearing for Paul Ryan for VP is not about helping the Romney candidacy. It's about controlling the Romney campaign—and ultimately the Romney presidency.

Operative word being 'control.' Just like the clamor for the GOP to retake executive leadership is not about helping the general public. It's about controlling the body politic –and ultimately the preservation of the status quo, i.e. power as it remains in the hands of the few.

Rosie_Scenario August 10, 2012 at 9:34 am

Romney/ Christie 2012. Brought to you by the number 10.

gurukalehuru August 10, 2012 at 10:07 am

Ha! Took me a second, but I see what you did there.

weejee August 10, 2012 at 9:35 am

Well CrispieCreme Christie will add weight to the ticket. With all the campaigning it may lead to a nationwide doughnut shortage.

ManchuCandidate August 10, 2012 at 9:37 am

If this ticket happens it will give astrophysicists a real life example of what happens when two black holes get together.

1) The black hole of ideas that is Mitten's brain where no good idea escapes the event horizon
The black hole in Chris's belly where no food escapes

actor212 August 10, 2012 at 9:41 am

I substituted "ass" for "black." It makes even more sense

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 10, 2012 at 9:37 am

Fat mean guys are the worst kind of mean guys.

Come here a minute August 10, 2012 at 9:37 am

Chris Christie on D-Day would have caused Germany to send marine biologists to help him return to the sea.

Mumbletypeg August 10, 2012 at 9:38 am

Loaded/ Freightloaded 2012!!

Mojopo August 10, 2012 at 9:39 am

When the flame throwers hit Christie, bacon for everybody!

eggsacklywright August 10, 2012 at 9:39 am

Maybe Mittz will refuse to reveal his VP pick until after the election. That's all you people need to know.

LesBontemps August 10, 2012 at 9:41 am

The hell with Rob Portman, Mitt should pick Natalie Portman.

Oblios_Cap August 10, 2012 at 9:43 am

Who is the best wartime vice presidential pick?

Quite right – Willard doesn't need a Tom Hagan, who doomed the Corleone Family since he wasn't a wartime consigliere!

Wait, what?

Hera Sent Me August 10, 2012 at 9:43 am

The rednecks and hicks in various southern states (whose votes Romney will need if he has a chance of winning), aren't going to be enthused by a VP candidate who looks, talks and acts like the bouncer in an episode of Jersey Shore.

RadioBowels August 10, 2012 at 9:43 am

Christie would definitely be an enhanced pick.

Jus_Wonderin August 10, 2012 at 9:44 am

Dixie Chicks!!!! Oh, wait……………………

Angry_Marmot August 10, 2012 at 10:13 am

Per LimeyLizzie's French Underground fantasies, I can has Natalie Maines questioning me?

Oblios_Cap August 10, 2012 at 9:45 am

With Christie on board, mittens would sew up the Save The Whales vote!

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 9:45 am

I like all these RepubliPundit references to their new-found fear of the intimidating, browbeating bullies in "Chicago". Who besides Axelrod, Valerie Jarrett and Rahm are actually Chicagoans in Obama's "war cabinet"? Is Jarrett baking poisoned cannolis or something?

Angry_Marmot August 10, 2012 at 10:16 am

Yeah, there's no better example of projecting-your-shadow-onto-the-other than all this right wing squawking about "Chicago style politics".

IncenseDebate August 10, 2012 at 9:47 am

Christie would be the biggest thing to hit Omaha Beach (D-day reference) since Shamu got drunk on fermented seal fat and crashed into France.

ttommyunger August 10, 2012 at 9:47 am

What a dilemma: pick one with no detectable personality (Portman) or one with the personality of Donald Trump on steroids. Should be fun to watch.

not that Dewey August 10, 2012 at 9:48 am

At least Hitler didn't pick Paul Ryan or Chris Christie for Vice Fuhrer.

FNMA August 10, 2012 at 9:48 am

I think he means Mitt has to pick someone for veep who has gravitas, or maybe his own gravitational field.

Ruhe August 10, 2012 at 9:53 am

Can you imagine the reaction of the Europeans to a VP Christie? "Now, this guy…he looks like an American."

gurukalehuru August 10, 2012 at 9:59 am

I see Chris Christie wading ashore at Obama Beach (I meant to type Omaha, I really did), and the Germans just a quiverin' and a shakin' and saying ……. "Here Comes….. Fat Albert!"

Fukui-sanYesOta August 10, 2012 at 10:03 am

It'd certainly be a surefire winner in the Battle of the Bulge.

Angry_Marmot August 10, 2012 at 10:09 am

I don't know if it's sad or funny that Christie loves "Bruuuucce!" but doesn't understand why Springstein doesn't care for him. Would never occur to the governor to re-examine his priorities or preconceptions. I wonder if this kind of cognitive dissonance is a version of Richard III's being so steeped in blood he can't turn back…? Once you take that extra donut or glad hand that next contributor, it's hard to turn around so you just keep going forward 'til you're stuck.

MrsConclusion August 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

Not Richard. Macbeth.

Angry_Marmot August 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm

(Blush). You mean the "Scottish Play"?

MrsConclusion August 10, 2012 at 3:41 pm

The very one!

DahBoner August 10, 2012 at 10:19 am

run a bottom-heavy ticket

I see what you did there.

TootsStansbury August 10, 2012 at 10:29 am

I'm surprised he isn't going to just pick Grover Norquist or a Koch brother and be done with it.

docterry6973 August 10, 2012 at 4:03 pm

But isn't Norquist fronting for the Muslim Brotherhood? This is so confusing.

Chet Kincaid_ August 10, 2012 at 10:30 am

Really? No "Operation Dumbo Drop" comment yet? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHd7O6YeHIU

DaSandman August 10, 2012 at 10:42 am

Does a governor have to actually be the same size as their state?

Boojum August 10, 2012 at 10:47 am

I think he meant to say "slugfeast".

CleverSobriquet August 10, 2012 at 10:50 am

Chris Christie is the VP selection I'd get behind, especially if someone starts shooting.

ElPinche August 10, 2012 at 10:52 am

Chris Christie is so fat that he emasculates pancake syrup.

HistoriCat August 10, 2012 at 11:14 am

Now there's another thing I want you to remember. I don't want to get any messages saying that "we are holding our position near the buffet." We're not holding anything. Let the Dems do that. We are advancing constantly and we're not interested in holding onto anything except our full plates. We're going to eat the hell out of that buffet all the time and it's going to go through us like crap through a goose!

DaSandman August 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

LOL Fucking brilliant :)

Guppy August 10, 2012 at 11:20 am

Who is the best wartime vice presidential pick?

This looks like a job for warbloggers.

grex1949 August 10, 2012 at 11:38 am

I like the Chris "Krispy Kreme" Christie choice. If the ship of state needs one thing, it's got to be sufficient ballast to keep the keel in the water as Captain Capitalism plies the dangerous waters ahead. Who better to serve this function than Gov. Christie?

MrsConclusion August 10, 2012 at 11:45 am

I love, I LURVE Mitt's expression in this pic. "Oh, Heavenly Father, what kind of bullshit do I now have to listen to from THIS asshole…"

Misty Malarky August 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Funny – whenever I hear the name 'Chris Christie' I always think it's that Silver Fox of a Florida governor who used to make the sexytime with the frat boys.

Silly me!

outragedcitizen August 10, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Hell, it the conservatives want a mean, nasty motherfucker for VP, why don't they just run Cheney again?

Schmegeg August 10, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Bottom Heavy Ticket. Chris Christie.

Let's make it a little tougher for the comments, please

EBGrey August 10, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Whither T-Paw. Today's WASH Post describes Pawlenty relentlessly and pathetically stumping around swing states hoping, just hoping, that Romney will decide that nominating what amounts to a loaf of Wonder Bread as VP will be his ticket to the White House. Sorry T-Paw. They've had their way with you, and they're not gonna call you back.

vodkamuppet August 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Something tells me Governor sandwiches wouldn't have made it very far on Omaha beach.

VinnieSaltine August 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I thought that Emperor Cheney said the Death Star wouldn't be operational until 2016.

VespulaMaculata August 11, 2012 at 12:12 am

I'm sorry, and I have no wish to be disgusting, but I have wondered about the high number of back-achy days Christie must have, given just the strain alone of trying to reach around to wipe his own ass. After all, his arms don't look particularly long.

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