Stand Your Coop

Chicken Lady With Gun Teaches Little Girl Valuable Lessons About Private Property, 2nd Amendment

Do you love life? Chicken Lady loves life!Your Wonkette recommends reading this post while enjoying a special musical accompaniment.

In yet another example of a brave homeowner making responsible use of a firearm, a Staten Island woman recently protected her life, home, and chickens from an 11-year-old neighbor thug who threw a piece of chalk in a threatening manner near her chicken coop, according to serious journalism outlet the New York Post.

The trouble had started the day before, when the girl, Alexis Ranieri, threw a piece of chalk into the yard of Elizabeth Gelman, 49. The young miscreant admitted throwing the missile, adding “I don’t know why.” Gelman later confronted the girl’s mother, Sharon Raneiri, telling her “Your daughter threw chalk at my chicken.”

The ugliness escalated:

Later that day, a bike belonging to Ranieri’s youngest daughter, Felicia, was damaged. The next morning, Rainieri found that her car had been keyed and spray-painted.

She filed a police report saying Gelman was the culprit because a neighbor told her she caught her in the act.

At around 10:00 that night, Gelman, who had clearly been pushed to her limits, refused to be a victim of chalk-wielding little girls any more. She fired one shot from her window at the mother and daughter chicken-tormentors as they sat on their back deck.

“I felt something go right by my head, something hit my forearm,” said the girl, who was struck by wood or siding that came loose from the bullets. “She shot at me, but she just had bad aim.”

Gelman was charged with illegal possession of a .38-caliber revolver and ammunition and released without bail following the incident. Pending ballistics tests, no further charges have yet been filed.

Real Americans know that they must be vigilant at all times, ready for whatever threat may arise, be it a prepubescent chicken-chalker or terrifying Canadian strangers trying to make us go to “the Stampede.” Your Wonkette salutes this latest 2nd Amendment Hero, a woman who refused to let the sanctity of her property or her poultry be violated. She had her finger on the trigger, and she knew she had to pullet.

[New York Post]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  1. hagajim

    Damn! And I thought the old guy who threatened to cut off my ears and put them in a pot of peas because I cut across his grass was bad. I am wondering why this nut was released without bail – she shot at someone for hell sake!

    1. AncienReggie

      The old man next door to me when I was 7 told me he'd "gouge my eyes out and poor sand in the holes" if he ever caught me climbing his apple tree again. It took me decades to decide he was probably kidding, but as apparently in your case too, hagajim, the resonant phrase has stayed with me forever.

  2. smashedinhat

    Hah! The Chicken Lady invades my nightmares again due to the Wonkette. Fitting in some strange way.

  3. Nibbler of Niblonia

    Gelman is clearly justified in fearing for her life. After all, her neighbors were sitting on their back deck eating skittles and drinking cans of Arizona iced tea.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      I wasn't there, but I'm sure one of them said, "You're going to die now," or "You're going to die tonight" or something like that.

  4. arihaya

    Somehow I doubt the story, seeing that it came from NY Post, which is merely a degree more reliable than Weekly World News.

    But, since this is America where a handcuffed kid somehow could shoot himself in the head while in police car, the story could be true. Also.

    1. James Michael Curley

      What ever ills that Murdock infested rag has, it is diligent with the old fashioned, news hounds task of 'checking the police blotter.' To it's credit the NY Post actually went to court and won against Rudi Giuliani to secure the right to have open access to the 'blotter' as soon as the reports were filed.

  5. Typodong3

    Wow I wonder if that bullet had been an inch to the left and hit her in the head, would they have pressed any charges? Fortunately, the stand your ground law is tailor-made for situations like this.

    Ok I cant resist… they shouldnt have egged the poor lady on like that.

  6. Harrison Wintergreen

    When I saw "Chicken Lady" and the KITH photo, I thought this was going to be a story about Callista Gingrich.

    1. actor212

      It will come as no shock to anyone that Staten Island is where Lady Gaga hails from.

      Also Christina Aguilera.

      We don't really talk about Staten Island when we talk about New York City.

      1. sullivanst

        It's so much closer to New Jersey than it is to any of the other Boroughs… plus, it's the only borough without a road link to Manhattan.

        1. HogeyeGrex

          The classic joke when I were just a wee sprog was that NY and NJ had a boat race over who was going to get SI. NY lost.

      2. Harrison Wintergreen

        But isn't there a really famous gay guy from there? 'Cause I'm always hearing about the Staten Island Fairy.

  7. sullivanst

    Surely saying you can't just cold shoot someone because their daughter once threw a fraction-of-an-ounce piece of chalk in your general direction is an impermissible impingement of one's right to bear arms, no?

    1. FlownOver

      Depends on (a) the jurisdiction and (b) the ethnicity of the parties. I wouldn't throw chalk (or set foot, for that matter) in Florida, por ejemplo, without Kevlar™ head to toe.

  8. SorosBot

    Um, what the fuck is someone living on Staten Island; which, last time I checked, is a part of New York City, and not farmland; doing raising fucking chickens?

    That was probably the first sign this lady was crazy.

    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      it's part of the whitetrashening of amurrica. even the urbans are watching nascar and farming whatever few square inches of dirt they can afford

          1. CommieLibunatic

            There was a great story on This American Life about this guy who decided to get a couple chickens for his yard. But it went wrong when he got a rooster, too. Not only does it turn out that fertilized eggs make them inedible, but the rooster was raised indoors and didn't learn to crow at the right time.

            In the end, he got no eggs and a rooster going off at random hours. You know you have a problem when you find a local wireless channel called "shut up rooster"

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          My neighbor two doors down has chickens. They don't make a peep. You just can't have roosters, which you don't need anyway unless you want baby chickens.

          1. Swampgas_Man

            I lived next door to a chicken-raiser too; no problems during the week, but when they wrang a chicken's neck Sunday morning for dinner, you'd think a goddamn bagpipe parade marched past.

        2. bikerlaureate

          You can apparently buy muted roosters now. My sis lives in a suburb that still allows chickens…

    2. OneYieldRegular

      My neighbor in our very urban corner of San Francisco spent weeks preparing to raise chickens, then finally introduced them into her yard. Within 12 hours they had been eaten by raccoons. The NRA may argue that had the chickens been armed…

      1. HogeyeGrex

        One of my neighbors here had a duck for quite a while. I don't know what happened to it, but I haven't heard it for some time now. Kind of an odd sound to hear randomly coming from the yard.

    3. James Michael Curley

      There is a lot of farmland in Staten Island. Many suburban towns in NY still allow the raising of chickens if the property is above a certain size. Where I live in NJ if I owned a horse and had it on my property when the the township rewrote the ordinance I would be allowed to keep it. That was almost ten years ago and the last of a neighbor's horses died about six years ago. He even let me ride it a few times along the beach.

      NJ permits chickens in some towns and attempt to ban them in my town went down to defeat only two years ago. The same demographic also failed to pass an open space referendum. Go figure.

    4. Goonemeritus

      Though Staten Island is technically one of the 5 boroughs of NYC it is basically NJ. In fact it was won from NJ by the outcome of a yacht race. Chicken coops are a big deal in the outer boroughs, hand guns not so much.

      1. sewollef

        I live on the other side of the [spectacular] Verrazano-Narrows Bridge — the Brooklyn side — and I can tell you this story is one of the reasons they charge a $13 toll to cross into Staten Island.

        Most New Yorkers don't recognise Staten Island as being part of NYC…. except the ones that live there of course.

  9. FlownOver

    Just couldn't resist that "pullet" gag at the end, could you? It's exactly as if someone had said "Take my wife…."

    The good news, Dok: continued use of this level of humor is accepted as proof that you're eligible for Social Security.

  10. anniegetyerfun

    She SHOT at a mother and daughter and was released from jail with no, oh, I don't know, ATTEMPTED MURDER charges or anything?

    1. Groupshrug

      No kidding!!! I just hope the bit about further ballistics testing means that after they can prove it was her gun that shot at them, she will have real charges.

    1. SpeedoFart

      Oooo, Staten Island finally surpassed New Hampshire as the "South of the North"! Way to go, Staten Islanders!

    1. AddHomonym

      Good point! Thin people make it more difficult for others to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights. Eat up everyone! It's Constitutionally mandated!

  11. Not_So_Much

    You guys! This was an illegal gun, so totally not scary or batshit insane like all the other NRA masturbaters. If the girl and her mother (and the chicken) had all had legal assault weapons, this would all be settled by now.

  12. CapnFatback

    Gelman was just protecting the natural order of things. You introduce a foreign element, in this case chalk, and it all breaks down. Chalk is thrown in the yard. The chickens use the talk for learnin'. Now you've got super-intelligent chickens on your hands. Super-intelligent chickens don't want to be eaten. Thus begins the Great Staten Island Chicken Uprising of 2012. The battle is bloody, with many a beak broken and feather molted, but the chickens are victorious. The clucking is incessant–news of their freedom spreads to coops far and wide. Soon we have a full-fledged Chicken Rebellion. By the time an accord between human and fowl is reached, it matters little who plucked whom or who pecked out whose eye. We have peace. And still . . .


    1. PsycWench

      Having had neighbors with chickens for a few years, I don't think we have to worry about "super-intelligent chickens" anytime soon. The chickens I know would have eaten the chalk.

  13. JustPixelz

    "…charged with illegal possession of a .38-caliber revolver…"

    This is why there should be no gun laws*. People will get guns anyway. It's the same reason speeding and murder should be legalized: People will do it anyway.
    * Although in this case, the useless gun laws let the police arrest her and take away the illegal gun. Your move, NRA.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    I am such a tool for Kids In The Hall that I start by trying to identify which actor is my favorite; stray when I realize how futile an exercise since they're equally gifted in originality of character, impeccable delivery & deadly wit; and finish simply helpless before their collective comedic genius.

    Which is approximately what befalls me in the presence of wonkette snark here, too and also, but I just needed to get my appreciation of this troupe out of my system, thx~

  15. James Michael Curley

    I'll wait for the AP version where we find out little Alexis is at fault and never would have been shot if DA Donovan was not hampered by the Albany Democratic machine and failed to arrest her for throwing the chalk as poor Ms Gelman.

  16. OneYieldRegular

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    A: To get away from its criminally insane, gun crazy owner.

  17. DailyGrumbles

    Well that will teach them to "swing on the porch" without an assault rifle or flamethrower. My question is "where where the hero's ala Flight 93" surely some good American would have, could have called in a air strike or made a head shot using only beer glass and a mirror to have prevented all of this! What I'm trying to say is it's OBAMA'S FAULT!!1!!!

  18. widestanceromance

    Before I decide who's been wronged here, I need to know if this little girl was a Democrat and was the chalk white or colored? And who paid for her contraceptives (which she has not denied taking)?

  19. Mahousu

    OT, but I am now getting Groupon ads in Turkish here. Has Wonkette, too, been taken over by the Vast Muslin Conspiracy?

    On the other hand, 49 Turkish lira for that wireless signal extender (or whatever) is a really good price. So perhaps the conspiracy has its benefits.

  20. James Michael Curley

    Hey folks! Editor & Publisher's 2012 EPPY Awards nominations are due by the end of the month.
    Here's the list:
    • Best News Website
    • Best Daily Newspaper Website
    • Best Weekly or Non-Daily Newspaper Website
    • Best Business/Finance Website
    • Best Sports Website
    • Best Spanish-Language Newspaper Website
    • Best Investigative/Enterprise Feature on a Website
    • Best News or Event Feature on a Website
    • Best Community Service on a Media-Affiliated Website
    • Best Use of Social Media for News Services
    • Best Crowd Sourcing/Citizen Journalism
    • Best Mobile Website
    • Best News Video
    • Best Sports Video
    • Best Enterprise/Investigative Video
    • Best Webcast
    • Best Use of Photography on a
    • Best Home Page
    • Best Overall Website Design
    • Best Redesign/Relaunch
    • Best Food Website
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    • Best Classified Website
    • Best Online Advertising/Marketing
    • Best Business Blog
    • Best News/Political Blog
    • Best Entertainment Blog
    • Best Sports Blog
    • Best College/University Websites

    If somebody knows how to get more mileage out of my Chevy Transvestite I'll nominate Wonkette as Best Automotive Website.

  21. LibertyLover

    Could we possibly combine the Scientology e-meter process with the gun buying process so that people like Gelman can't get a gun and shoot it at other people sitting on a porch?

    Oh, and that Gelman Chick definitely needs to quit trying to egg-xact revenge on that poor little girl.

  22. Beowoof

    Well the happy thought here is that Chicken Lady is going to be couped soon. Illegal hand gun in New York City, automatic prison time. And if she is shooting at people with that illegal hand gun, it gets even happier for the little girl, this woman will most likely be in prison for a long long time.

  23. elburritodeluxe

    Thank God we live in a nation where a good woman like this can attack protect her property from 11 year olds.

  24. Generation[redacted]

    Wait, was the republican health care plan chickens for checkups or chickens for chalk?

  25. neiltheblaze

    Somehow Staten Island never struck me as a place to raise chickens particularly. But there you go.

  26. rickmaci

    As we in LA know, because LAPD is constantly reminding us of this fact, the greatest threats to America's safety and security are terrorist chalkers. Chick Fil-Ammo probably saved NY from another 9-11 or something.

  27. BklynE

    To drive a car from my Brooklyn neighborhood to Staten Island requires a $13.00 toll. I respect the New York Port Authority for their valiant attempts to make us think twice before crossing the Verrazano. Now, if only we could stock the Narrows with man-eating otters and seals with a taste for conservative SI wingnuts, then we would have a legitimate moat to further fortify our security. Somehow, I don't think Mike Grimm would support my plan…

  28. GunToting[Redacted]

    The kid got wood in her arm which came off the bullets? WTF is chicken-lady packing?

  29. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Few people outside of NYC know this, but the Mason-Dixon line runs just north of Staten Island.

  30. Gleem McShineys

    "I am a little bit disturbed by politicians who, in the immediate aftermath of this type of tragedy, try to grandstand on it, and I’m not going to be one of those people. I think that we’ve got enough poultry laws now. It’s time for us to address and enforce the chicken laws that we have."

  31. owhatever

    She missed?? Now for a trip to the gun store man who will trade a nice assault rifle and a 100-round drum magazine and a scope for three chickens and a dozen eggs.

  32. TribecaMike

    I'm going to have to think about this and get back to you in ten years, because this is just insane.

Comments are closed.