they call me mister trump

Pathetic Loser Donald Trump Will Do The Classiest GOP Wheeling And Dealing (Updated)

I'm such a pig
According to frothy wingnut internet rag Newsmax, the desperate and comically flailing Romney campaign is about to “unleash” bellicose cartoon human Donald Trump to help Mitt Romney win the vote of angry white men who make less than $35,000 a year. In the article by discredited conservative fabricator Ed Klein, the author of “Amateur: Barak Obama in the White House” claims that an insider close to Mitt’s “brain trust” told him that. And is Trump up for the job? And how! It’s already brought him attention on Fox News where he claimed that “they want me” at the RNC Convention. The formal invitation hasn’t come yet but that’s only because he’s yet to have his formal unleashing. The proof of his importance, he announced, is that the “Sarasota Republican Party” will name him “Statesman of the Year,” at an event the night before. Wow! Sarasota Republicans. That is big. UPDATED BELOW!

When Trump’s not talking about himself, which is usually only when he’s shoving a blood-rare filet mignon down his throat, he’s advising the Romney campaign. He does this through the media (Fox) which is the just the easiest and most direct way. His latest advice to Mittens: promise to release your tax returns –– but only after Obama makes his college records public. College records, what does that have to do with the birther thing? Oh yeah, Obama’s Kenyan AND too stupid to really get into Harvard. (Plus, when he was supposed to be at Columbia, he was actually a gay-married CIA agent in Pakistan.)

Right, so college records and tax returns are obviously the same thing, but did you know Mitt Romney hasn’t released his college records either? Leave it to TRUMP! to negotiate the greatest deals, the really classiest deals, the most gold-plated of all the deals. Trump for Secretary of State, obviously. There can be no other way.

UPDATE! NewsMax now “reports” Trump has “declined” an offer to speak at the convention in Tampa, according to “sources with knowledge of convention plans.” Which would be, of course, Donald Trump. Haha, sure he did.

[Newsmax via Breitbart]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Boojum

    Trump!

    Obama should demand Trump release his Hair Club for Men records.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      Obama should demand that Fish and Wildlife investigate that poor creature glued to his head

      • Boojum

        Hasn't it suffered enough?

        • zippy_w_pinhead

          where's Sarah McLachlan when you need her?

          • MosesInvests

            In the arms of an angel?

          • Boojum

            Eated by the mangy squirrel on Teh Donald's head?

          • zippy_w_pinhead

            that's much worse than just being touched…

          • Negropolis

            That was so good.

    • Baconzgood

      "I'm not just the owner, but I'm also a client"

      Cy Sperling

    • Biff

      One birf certificate for each precious snowflake hairplug!

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Vetting Equality!!

  • IonaTrailer

    Ed Klein used to be Ed Gein.

  • mlle_derp

    Trump inciting classy warfare, derp, derp, derp…

  • ChessieNefercat

    Does anyone else see the creepy ad to get your social worker degree, illustrated by a creepy plastic looks almost real baby doll, or maybe it's a creepy plastic-looking real baby? Like it has steel fangs for teeth?
    [shiver}

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      that baby needs moar dancing…

    • Oblios_Cap

      no.

    • widestanceromance

      Damnit, I'm starting to feel out of the loop with this demon baby ad everyone else sees.

    • mlle_derp

      No, but I do see an ad for Gamecocks football tix. Weird.

    • Geminisunmars

      Are you hallucinating again?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Always.

        • Geminisunmars

          Well, yah, you — but what about ChessieNefercat?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Is THIS what it's come to? I tell you I'm always hallucinating, and you toss it off with a casual remark about HER? (sniff!) It's OK! Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.

            Oh, was I getting carried away again? Sorry darlz, just so good to see you.

          • Geminisunmars

            Come here Bubulah, let me kiss you and make it better.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            For a kiss from you, sweetie, I would climb a mountain. (Hugs the sweet lady)

            Fine weather we're having for a change out here. And you?

          • Geminisunmars

            Hot. Hot hot hot hot. 54 days over 90. Thus far. Average is 33.Cross the continental divide, and come get your kiss(es).

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I love you with a burning passion, but I ain't goin' nowhere in that kinda heat. I thought 80+ was tea-sippin' weather. Dang! How can you stand it? I hope you've got air-conditioning and the doggies aren't forcing you into long walks. Is Diego holding out OK? Is the foster pup gone? Is ShittySue over her Mad?

          • Geminisunmars

            We have a lovely swamp cooler that keeps it bearable inside. And it usuallly cools to less that 70 at night. Doggies aren't going for any walks howsomever. Shitty Sue will only cuddle in the day light. He must have gotten trompled some night. But he'll sleep on a pillow by the bed. Did you get my email the other day? I might have sent it wrong if not.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Poor ShittySue.

            If I didn't reply, I didn't get it. I'm always good about replying immediately. Either that, or I had a monumental moment of bitterness and destroyed a bunch of email, which is also possible. I'm feeling pretty fucking bitter these days. Luckily, I have this place to come and lurk at when I'm feeling foul. And it will pass. So, write me, already.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            *Hugs Z

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Hey, sweetpea. Don't let the whining get to ya. It's just a stage. And if I didn't have something to kvetch about life wouldn't be worth living. (Hugs the little star)

      • ChessieNefercat

        Hallucinating? Me? Oh, yes, that must be it! So the republicans aren't trying to put Mitt Rmoney in charge of the nation's treasury and tax code? What a relief!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I'm busy *pouting,* Chessie. *Pouting* because you upstaged me.

          • ChessieNefercat

            Aw, I'z sorry. Hugs?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            That's OK, I was just shamelessly fishing for hugs. Looks like I got me one, too. (Hugs the Chessie)

    • Steverino247

      That's just the Star Child from 2001. Relax.

    • Callyson

      No, I've got a blonde woman's torso, wearing a business suit, juggling three baseballs. Not sure which sounds creepier…

    • bobbert

      I had it for a couple of days, but it has apparently returned to Jupiter.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    It'll be the most luxurious clusterfuck jamboree of fail you've ever seen!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    The Don is a big fucking deal in Sarasota.

  • Fairtackle

    Donald Trump, a stupid person's idea of a rich person.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Heh. Trump. Mitt. Brain trust. Okay.

    • bflrtsplk

      Uh, I think you mean brain rust.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The formal invitation hasn’t come yet

    It must have been lost in the mail. Socialist Post Office!

  • Schmegeg

    Sarasota used to be, maybe still is, winter HQ for Ringling Bros circus. When they are on the road, they hand it off to the Sarasota Republican Party.

    • IonaTrailer

      Their noses got redder and redder, their shoes got bigger and bigger….

      • mlle_derp

        If they're Republicans, shouldn't their noses get longer & longer?

    • widestanceromance

      How on earth does the town deal with all that shit?

    • TribecaMike

      Sarasota is also the home of retired sideshow performers and carnies, bless their hearts.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I promise to release my tax returns when Trump releases his 'trophy wife'.

    • Exhausted66

      She turns 43 very soon. So that could happen in the near future.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I'm sure it's going to be scheduled sometime around 4am PST.

    • Oblios_Cap

      That's much too close to prime-time.

  • ph7

    Trump = citified Sarah Palin

    • ChessieNefercat

      I don't know which of them would be prouder of that description.

    • CivicHoliday

      Indeed, equal levels of overinflated self-importance. And equally puffed up awful awful hair.

  • SorosBot

    Oh Donald, nobody gives one rat's ass what you think.

    • Callyson

      Though a few rats gave their asses to adorn his head…

    • Boojum

      Perhaps, however, a small pouch of fleur de sel encrusted penii of the Rattus rattus?

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    in all fairness, he's also most rich person's idea of a stupid person…

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Send in the clowns, puffy faced funny haired clowns…

  • Goonemeritus

    Donald is the only option the Republicans have for classing-up their convention.

  • Nostrildamus

    You don't "unleash" Donald Trump, you use manual disimpaction (or laxatives).

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Doctor Jan? Is that you?

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

        Dr. Jan Itor?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Singh. ER physician at LA County for some years. Her idea of dinnertime conversation is describing the most recent manual disimpaction performed on one of the homeless who use the place regularly. Nurses are unionized, so they can refuse to do it, which leaves the doctors at, um, hand, to complete the job.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Yes. Trump- the only non Palin that could actually lower Rmoney's poll numbers.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Maybe they oughta turn that Big Tent Gathering into a Sadie Hawkins dance?

      • ChessieNefercat

        Imagine Yeehaw! in Palin's imbecilic shriek.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Saw the following Twitter exchange this morning:

    Trump: When taxes are low I employ more people.

    Someone: Taxes were low in 1991 when you went bankrupt.

  • BloviateMe

    Trump; proof that it's possible to anthropomorphize a wet, sodden fart.

  • Schmannnity

    Trump at the convention is going to be HUUUUGE!

    • ChessieNefercat

      He's huge anywhere. His ego also.

      • Negropolis

        "He's huge anywhere."

        That's not what she said.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Excellent point!

  • StarsUponThars

    Lifestyles of the Rich and Heinous.

  • Lazy Media

    Please, PLEASE, let the short-fingered vulgarian* get a prime-time speaking slot at the RNC. He could introduce Our Sarah.

    * RIP, Spy magazine.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "She's a world class whore and classies up any casino or Chick-fil-A she goes to."

  • Baconzgood

    Where the fuck is Sarasota, and why are they involved in statesmanship?

    • mlle_derp

      What is an 'ota' & does Sara want it back?

      • ChessieNefercat

        Probably not. I would think Sarah's ota is usually inflamed

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Paul Ryan and now Donald Trump.

    How can Mitt lose?

    • RadioBowels

      Smug and Rug.

      • Geminisunmars

        Eddie and Feddie.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Ass and wipe. Oh, wait, should it rhyme?

          • RadioBowels

            Stool and fool?

          • Geminisunmars

            Ass and Fat-ass. That rhymes, right?

          • viennawoods13

            Lenny and Squiggy

          • Geminisunmars

            That is too perfect. We'll have to forgive the non-rhyming.

          • viennawoods13

            Also not rhyming, but Pinky and… Pinky, because there is no brain.

          • Geminisunmars

            Pinky and Stinky? Pinky and Rinky-Dinky?

          • ChessieNefercat

            Ren and Stimpy?

          • RadioBowels

            Coupon Dead and Poop-On Head.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    If Trump wasn’t an actual person, and you did a sketch in which you just repeated verbatim things he says – you would be considered a comic genius.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      Andy Kaufman libel!

      though I do have to admit, if you repeat verbatim those things in Latka's voice they DO make much more sense…

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Class just oozes out him like puss from gangrene infected wound.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      that's not class, that's santorum…

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      If puss came out of an infected wound, I would be conflicted.

      • bobbert

        Just keep your puss clean, no prob.

  • MonkeyMotion

    The Donald could certainly help Mittens win the vote of stupid, angry, uneducated, religious, flagwaving asshole dickhead fuckfaces, but that bunch is already on the Romney-Train. Amen!

    • ChessieNefercat

      Yes, but oh, how they hate being on the Romney-Train. Isn't it grand?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Minoxidil overdose is not pretty.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, I thought he was the spokesman for Mycoxafloppin.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Donald Trump could very well be the rich asshole even the GOP dislikes. And while the mind sorta boggles at such an idea, his personality is so attached to his self-promotion that maybe even rich Republicans find him distasteful.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Imagine the demon-spawn offspring of a Romborg-Trump coupling. Could turn even birthers Democratic.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Donald Trump is a nice man, and very, very, successful, and he obviously looks after his hair. And if he says that Mitt Romney is a good man, well, darnit, Mitt Romney must be a good man. I think I'll vote for him instead of that neverty good black fellow. Yes. Mitt Romney and his nice white olympic lady wife. I hear he's very successful as well with helping people and such and making millions of dollars. Also, they raise horses and even take their dog on long drives, ya know, it's like their animal lovers or something. And he even has a history of giving poor, gay men free haircuts so they don't have to carry on with all that long, dirty hair they like. That's good, right?

  • widestanceromance

    He sure does have a big opinion of himself for a guy whose name rhymes with dump.

    • mlle_derp

      And is derived from 'strump'.

  • coolhandnuke

    "Keep your pussy clean, that’s all you need to do. Do you understand?"
    Trump's advice to Sarah Palin when he was considering her as his VP.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Yeah, yeah, that's what they all said, but I told 'em* 'thanks, but no thanks'"says Sarah.

      *all of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of (or behind or under or on top of) me over all these years, Katie.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    Just when you think you have seen to the bottom of the bowl of right wing jackassery, yet another vaguely anthropoidesque animated turd bobs to the top, spews its piece, and roils away – or the same ones, such as Trump, keep endlessly circulating in a swirl of stupidity.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Hey, how about a courtesy flush???????!

    • bobbert

      Enough with the poetry.

  • Misty Malarky

    I would NOT hit that.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      So I don't have to lend you my ballpeen hammer?

      • widestanceromance

        Only if it can be remotely controlled. From another coast.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    UPDATE:

    Shorter Trump: They want me to speak, but to show them, I'm saying no.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Trump, if your net worth is what you consider to be your best quality, stick a fuckin' fork in your soft palate now. You would immediately make the world a better place.

  • Extemporanus

    Your move, Rafalca.

    • ph7

      Rafalca is mounting Trump's hair as we speak.

      • Extemporanus

        "YOU'RE SIRED!"

        • WhatTheHeck

          How can that be? Pure-bred horses never breed with jackasses.

  • Baconzgood

    14:45…Tick-Toc Donny. Tick-Toc.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    It seems that Donald T. Rump has forgotten what happened to him the last time he crossed Barry.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCkTzqIW-qw

    • Limeylizzie

      I could watch that forever, especially knowing that Barry was about to issue the order to kill Osama. Giant bollocks on Bazza!

      • viennawoods13

        It's hard to decide which one I prefer: Obama taking down Trump, or Colbert taking down Bush. Both classics.

    • Negropolis

      This is where my avatar comes from. It's the only thing that keeps me politically happy. It's my political happy place, if you will.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Donald Trump, evidently the greatest washed-up-almost-has-never-been-or-will-be-again Amercian.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Not even *part* of one. Yeah, if you live with cats, you get partial rat-asses. At least they're still identifiable, unlike the other moist bits.

  • RadioBowels

    A pink shirt with a créme satin tie is gay.

  • Steverino247

    OK. In the interest of full disclosure, my lowest grade in college was the "C" I got in calculus, but it's the grade I'm most proud of because I worked my ass off to get it. My "A" in Russian that semester kept me in the B+/A- average.

    So, let's see Mitt's tax returns.

    • viennawoods13

      D+ in Latin. There were always better things to do of a Tuesday night.

      • Steverino247

        I was in the math tutoring shop on campus for four hours a day. Final outcome: two B's, three C's (including mine) and everybody else either dropped or failed the class.

        • viennawoods13

          Yeah, there's a reason I didn't take math after grade 12. Mostly that I sucked at it. A C in calculus would have been a miracle for me. Kudos! Actually, my proudest mark was a C+; I had a bunch of B+ and a few A's in my history courses, but my C+ was earned in a seminar course with a fairly distinguished scholar. I really worked for that mark.

  • MissTaken

    Trump can't speak at the convention because he's washing his toupee that day.

    • widestanceromance

      Swear by my eyes, I was just about to say the same damn thing.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, Romney has a brain trust? I thought he just had a server farm.

  • OneYieldRegular

    But seriously – is there any of us who hasn't declined an offer to speak at the GOP convention?

  • Misty Malarky

    If Trump is so damned rich why does he still look, well, like THAT?

    • ph7

      For the same reason Mr. Haney wore a porkpie hat.

    • Geminisunmars

      Just think what he'd look like without money.

  • viennawoods13

    That is just so full of win. The look on Trump's face throughout is priceless.

    • ChessieNefercat

      That was such an awesome bitch slap (one of several), even if the punchline didn't come until the next day. "The kind of decisions that would keep me up at night":

      Firing Gary Busey from stupid fake reality show = giving the order to Seal Team 6 to take out Global Enemy #1.

      • viennawoods13

        I know. DAMN that man is cool!

  • elburritodeluxe

    Trump declined a Gold Medal in the Men's Individual Triathlon. (Too foreign.) He declined the Nobel Peace Prize offered for the classiness of his Miss America Productions. (Not going to take Obama's sloppy seconds). Trump also declined to accept the Green Blazer at the Masters. (Went downhill since they let Tiger Woods in.)

  • Misty Malarky

    I liked it when Meat Loaf hollered and cussed at Gary Busey.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Rafalca for VP?

  • TribecaMike

    Just named at-large convention delegate from New York David Koch is going to be lonely.

  • Boojum

    Autoerotic hallucination?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Wow. My sex life is SO much better in your imagination than mine. No fair.

  • C_R_Eature

    The Angle of Lloyd Dangle is directly proportional to the Heat of the Beat.

  • docterry6973

    But who would give a better convention speech – The Donald or Rafalca? I say it's a toss-up.

  • ttommyunger

    That is definitely a face made for punching, but not without gloves; I would not want to touch that turd with a bare hand.

  • Negropolis

    Isn't Sarasota like the Branson of Florida?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Has Mitten considered Trump for Veep? That would be delicious.