THEY CALL ME MISTER TRUMP  3:40 pm August 9, 2012

Pathetic Loser Donald Trump Will Do The Classiest GOP Wheeling And Dealing (Updated)

by Lloyd Dangle

I'm such a pig
According to frothy wingnut internet rag Newsmax, the desperate and comically flailing Romney campaign is about to “unleash” bellicose cartoon human Donald Trump to help Mitt Romney win the vote of angry white men who make less than $35,000 a year. In the article by discredited conservative fabricator Ed Klein, the author of “Amateur: Barak Obama in the White House” claims that an insider close to Mitt’s “brain trust” told him that. And is Trump up for the job? And how! It’s already brought him attention on Fox News where he claimed that “they want me” at the RNC Convention. The formal invitation hasn’t come yet but that’s only because he’s yet to have his formal unleashing. The proof of his importance, he announced, is that the “Sarasota Republican Party” will name him “Statesman of the Year,” at an event the night before. Wow! Sarasota Republicans. That is big. UPDATED BELOW!

When Trump’s not talking about himself, which is usually only when he’s shoving a blood-rare filet mignon down his throat, he’s advising the Romney campaign. He does this through the media (Fox) which is the just the easiest and most direct way. His latest advice to Mittens: promise to release your tax returns –– but only after Obama makes his college records public. College records, what does that have to do with the birther thing? Oh yeah, Obama’s Kenyan AND too stupid to really get into Harvard. (Plus, when he was supposed to be at Columbia, he was actually a gay-married CIA agent in Pakistan.)

Right, so college records and tax returns are obviously the same thing, but did you know Mitt Romney hasn’t released his college records either? Leave it to TRUMP! to negotiate the greatest deals, the really classiest deals, the most gold-plated of all the deals. Trump for Secretary of State, obviously. There can be no other way.

UPDATE! NewsMax now “reports” Trump has “declined” an offer to speak at the convention in Tampa, according to “sources with knowledge of convention plans.” Which would be, of course, Donald Trump. Haha, sure he did.

[Newsmax via Breitbart]

 
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{ 160 comments }

Boojum August 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Trump!

Obama should demand Trump release his Hair Club for Men records.

zippy_w_pinhead August 9, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Obama should demand that Fish and Wildlife investigate that poor creature glued to his head

Boojum August 9, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Hasn't it suffered enough?

zippy_w_pinhead August 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

where's Sarah McLachlan when you need her?

MosesInvests August 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm

In the arms of an angel?

Baconzgood August 9, 2012 at 3:54 pm

"I'm not just the owner, but I'm also a client"

Cy Sperling

Biff August 10, 2012 at 9:50 am

One birf certificate for each precious snowflake hairplug!

BoatOfVelociraptors August 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Vetting Equality!!

IonaTrailer August 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Ed Klein used to be Ed Gein.

mlle_derp August 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Trump inciting classy warfare, derp, derp, derp…

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Does anyone else see the creepy ad to get your social worker degree, illustrated by a creepy plastic looks almost real baby doll, or maybe it's a creepy plastic-looking real baby? Like it has steel fangs for teeth?
[shiver}

zippy_w_pinhead August 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

that baby needs moar dancing…

Oblios_Cap August 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

no.

widestanceromance August 9, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Damnit, I'm starting to feel out of the loop with this demon baby ad everyone else sees.

Nostrildamus August 9, 2012 at 3:59 pm
widestanceromance August 9, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I had to ask, and then I had to click. Heaven knows, I'm miserable now.

mlle_derp August 9, 2012 at 3:53 pm

No, but I do see an ad for Gamecocks football tix. Weird.

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Are you hallucinating again?

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Always.

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Well, yah, you — but what about ChessieNefercat?

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Is THIS what it's come to? I tell you I'm always hallucinating, and you toss it off with a casual remark about HER? (sniff!) It's OK! Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.

Oh, was I getting carried away again? Sorry darlz, just so good to see you.

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Hallucinating? Me? Oh, yes, that must be it! So the republicans aren't trying to put Mitt Rmoney in charge of the nation's treasury and tax code? What a relief!

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I'm busy *pouting,* Chessie. *Pouting* because you upstaged me.

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Aw, I'z sorry. Hugs?

Steverino247 August 9, 2012 at 4:02 pm

That's just the Star Child from 2001. Relax.

Callyson August 9, 2012 at 4:06 pm

No, I've got a blonde woman's torso, wearing a business suit, juggling three baseballs. Not sure which sounds creepier…

bobbert August 9, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I had it for a couple of days, but it has apparently returned to Jupiter.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 9, 2012 at 3:45 pm

It'll be the most luxurious clusterfuck jamboree of fail you've ever seen!

Mittens Howell, III August 9, 2012 at 3:45 pm

The Don is a big fucking deal in Sarasota.

Fairtackle August 9, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Donald Trump, a stupid person's idea of a rich person.

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Heh. Trump. Mitt. Brain trust. Okay.

bflrtsplk August 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Uh, I think you mean brain rust.

Oblios_Cap August 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

The formal invitation hasn’t come yet

It must have been lost in the mail. Socialist Post Office!

Schmegeg August 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Sarasota used to be, maybe still is, winter HQ for Ringling Bros circus. When they are on the road, they hand it off to the Sarasota Republican Party.

IonaTrailer August 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Their noses got redder and redder, their shoes got bigger and bigger….

mlle_derp August 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm

If they're Republicans, shouldn't their noses get longer & longer?

widestanceromance August 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

How on earth does the town deal with all that shit?

TribecaMike August 9, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Sarasota is also the home of retired sideshow performers and carnies, bless their hearts.

Mittens Howell, III August 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I promise to release my tax returns when Trump releases his 'trophy wife'.

Exhausted66 August 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

She turns 43 very soon. So that could happen in the near future.

johnnyzhivago August 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I'm sure it's going to be scheduled sometime around 4am PST.

Oblios_Cap August 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

That's much too close to prime-time.

ph7 August 9, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Trump = citified Sarah Palin

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I don't know which of them would be prouder of that description.

CivicHoliday August 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Indeed, equal levels of overinflated self-importance. And equally puffed up awful awful hair.

SorosBot August 9, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Oh Donald, nobody gives one rat's ass what you think.

Callyson August 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Though a few rats gave their asses to adorn his head…

Boojum August 9, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Perhaps, however, a small pouch of fleur de sel encrusted penii of the Rattus rattus?

zippy_w_pinhead August 9, 2012 at 3:48 pm

in all fairness, he's also most rich person's idea of a stupid person…

ManchuCandidate August 9, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Send in the clowns, puffy faced funny haired clowns…

Goonemeritus August 9, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Donald is the only option the Republicans have for classing-up their convention.

Nostrildamus August 9, 2012 at 3:49 pm

You don't "unleash" Donald Trump, you use manual disimpaction (or laxatives).

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Doctor Jan? Is that you?

Mumbly_Joe August 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Dr. Jan Itor?

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Singh. ER physician at LA County for some years. Her idea of dinnertime conversation is describing the most recent manual disimpaction performed on one of the homeless who use the place regularly. Nurses are unionized, so they can refuse to do it, which leaves the doctors at, um, hand, to complete the job.

Oblios_Cap August 9, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Yes. Trump- the only non Palin that could actually lower Rmoney's poll numbers.

NorthStarSpanx August 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Maybe they oughta turn that Big Tent Gathering into a Sadie Hawkins dance?

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Imagine Yeehaw! in Palin's imbecilic shriek.

ChernobylSoup August 9, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Saw the following Twitter exchange this morning:

Trump: When taxes are low I employ more people.

Someone: Taxes were low in 1991 when you went bankrupt.

Baconzgood August 9, 2012 at 3:56 pm
RadioBowels August 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Do you know how many lawyers he employed?

timbo71351 August 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

The person who wrote that won the Internet for the day

Negropolis August 10, 2012 at 1:47 am

Okay, which one of you, here, is "Someone"?

BloviateMe August 9, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Trump; proof that it's possible to anthropomorphize a wet, sodden fart.

Schmannnity August 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Trump at the convention is going to be HUUUUGE!

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 4:36 pm

He's huge anywhere. His ego also.

Negropolis August 10, 2012 at 1:49 am

"He's huge anywhere."

That's not what she said.

ChessieNefercat August 10, 2012 at 9:32 am

Excellent point!

StarsUponThars August 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Lifestyles of the Rich and Heinous.

Lazy Media August 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Please, PLEASE, let the short-fingered vulgarian* get a prime-time speaking slot at the RNC. He could introduce Our Sarah.

* RIP, Spy magazine.

actor212 August 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

"She's a world class whore and classies up any casino or Chick-fil-A she goes to."

Baconzgood August 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Where the fuck is Sarasota, and why are they involved in statesmanship?

mlle_derp August 9, 2012 at 4:00 pm

What is an 'ota' & does Sara want it back?

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Probably not. I would think Sarah's ota is usually inflamed

actor212 August 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Paul Ryan and now Donald Trump.

How can Mitt lose?

RadioBowels August 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Smug and Rug.

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Eddie and Feddie.

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Ass and wipe. Oh, wait, should it rhyme?

RadioBowels August 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Stool and fool?

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Ass and Fat-ass. That rhymes, right?

Joshua Norton August 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

If Trump wasn’t an actual person, and you did a sketch in which you just repeated verbatim things he says – you would be considered a comic genius.

zippy_w_pinhead August 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Andy Kaufman libel!

though I do have to admit, if you repeat verbatim those things in Latka's voice they DO make much more sense…

Monsieur_Grumpe August 9, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Class just oozes out him like puss from gangrene infected wound.

zippy_w_pinhead August 9, 2012 at 4:12 pm

that's not class, that's santorum…

deanbooth August 9, 2012 at 4:57 pm

If puss came out of an infected wound, I would be conflicted.

bobbert August 9, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Just keep your puss clean, no prob.

MonkeyMotion August 9, 2012 at 3:53 pm

The Donald could certainly help Mittens win the vote of stupid, angry, uneducated, religious, flagwaving asshole dickhead fuckfaces, but that bunch is already on the Romney-Train. Amen!

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Yes, but oh, how they hate being on the Romney-Train. Isn't it grand?

Monsieur_Grumpe August 9, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Minoxidil overdose is not pretty.

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Oh, I thought he was the spokesman for Mycoxafloppin.

SayItWithWookies August 9, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Donald Trump could very well be the rich asshole even the GOP dislikes. And while the mind sorta boggles at such an idea, his personality is so attached to his self-promotion that maybe even rich Republicans find him distasteful.

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Imagine the demon-spawn offspring of a Romborg-Trump coupling. Could turn even birthers Democratic.

Mittens Howell, III August 9, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Donald Trump is a nice man, and very, very, successful, and he obviously looks after his hair. And if he says that Mitt Romney is a good man, well, darnit, Mitt Romney must be a good man. I think I'll vote for him instead of that neverty good black fellow. Yes. Mitt Romney and his nice white olympic lady wife. I hear he's very successful as well with helping people and such and making millions of dollars. Also, they raise horses and even take their dog on long drives, ya know, it's like their animal lovers or something. And he even has a history of giving poor, gay men free haircuts so they don't have to carry on with all that long, dirty hair they like. That's good, right?

widestanceromance August 9, 2012 at 3:55 pm

He sure does have a big opinion of himself for a guy whose name rhymes with dump.

mlle_derp August 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm

And is derived from 'strump'.

coolhandnuke August 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm

"Keep your pussy clean, that’s all you need to do. Do you understand?"
Trump's advice to Sarah Palin when he was considering her as his VP.

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all said, but I told 'em* 'thanks, but no thanks'"says Sarah.

*all of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of (or behind or under or on top of) me over all these years, Katie.

Hammiepants August 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Just when you think you have seen to the bottom of the bowl of right wing jackassery, yet another vaguely anthropoidesque animated turd bobs to the top, spews its piece, and roils away – or the same ones, such as Trump, keep endlessly circulating in a swirl of stupidity.

Jus_Wonderin August 9, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Hey, how about a courtesy flush???????!

bobbert August 9, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Enough with the poetry.

Misty Malarky August 9, 2012 at 4:00 pm

I would NOT hit that.

actor212 August 9, 2012 at 4:01 pm

So I don't have to lend you my ballpeen hammer?

widestanceromance August 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Only if it can be remotely controlled. From another coast.

actor212 August 9, 2012 at 4:00 pm

UPDATE:

Shorter Trump: They want me to speak, but to show them, I'm saying no.

Jus_Wonderin August 9, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Trump, if your net worth is what you consider to be your best quality, stick a fuckin' fork in your soft palate now. You would immediately make the world a better place.

Extemporanus August 9, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Your move, Rafalca.

ph7 August 9, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Rafalca is mounting Trump's hair as we speak.

Extemporanus August 9, 2012 at 4:10 pm

"YOU'RE SIRED!"

WhatTheHeck August 9, 2012 at 4:19 pm

How can that be? Pure-bred horses never breed with jackasses.

Baconzgood August 9, 2012 at 4:01 pm

14:45…Tick-Toc Donny. Tick-Toc.

DonnyKerabotsos August 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

It seems that Donald T. Rump has forgotten what happened to him the last time he crossed Barry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCkTzqIW-qw

Limeylizzie August 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I could watch that forever, especially knowing that Barry was about to issue the order to kill Osama. Giant bollocks on Bazza!

viennawoods13 August 9, 2012 at 6:05 pm

It's hard to decide which one I prefer: Obama taking down Trump, or Colbert taking down Bush. Both classics.

Negropolis August 10, 2012 at 1:51 am

This is where my avatar comes from. It's the only thing that keeps me politically happy. It's my political happy place, if you will.

NorthStarSpanx August 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Donald Trump, evidently the greatest washed-up-almost-has-never-been-or-will-be-again Amercian.

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Not even *part* of one. Yeah, if you live with cats, you get partial rat-asses. At least they're still identifiable, unlike the other moist bits.

RadioBowels August 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm

A pink shirt with a créme satin tie is gay.

Steverino247 August 9, 2012 at 4:08 pm

OK. In the interest of full disclosure, my lowest grade in college was the "C" I got in calculus, but it's the grade I'm most proud of because I worked my ass off to get it. My "A" in Russian that semester kept me in the B+/A- average.

So, let's see Mitt's tax returns.

viennawoods13 August 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm

D+ in Latin. There were always better things to do of a Tuesday night.

Steverino247 August 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

I was in the math tutoring shop on campus for four hours a day. Final outcome: two B's, three C's (including mine) and everybody else either dropped or failed the class.

viennawoods13 August 9, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Yeah, there's a reason I didn't take math after grade 12. Mostly that I sucked at it. A C in calculus would have been a miracle for me. Kudos! Actually, my proudest mark was a C+; I had a bunch of B+ and a few A's in my history courses, but my C+ was earned in a seminar course with a fairly distinguished scholar. I really worked for that mark.

MissTaken August 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Trump can't speak at the convention because he's washing his toupee that day.

widestanceromance August 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Swear by my eyes, I was just about to say the same damn thing.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Wait, Romney has a brain trust? I thought he just had a server farm.

OneYieldRegular August 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm

But seriously – is there any of us who hasn't declined an offer to speak at the GOP convention?

Misty Malarky August 9, 2012 at 4:12 pm

If Trump is so damned rich why does he still look, well, like THAT?

ph7 August 9, 2012 at 4:28 pm

For the same reason Mr. Haney wore a porkpie hat.

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Just think what he'd look like without money.

viennawoods13 August 9, 2012 at 4:13 pm

That is just so full of win. The look on Trump's face throughout is priceless.

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 6:02 pm

That was such an awesome bitch slap (one of several), even if the punchline didn't come until the next day. "The kind of decisions that would keep me up at night":

Firing Gary Busey from stupid fake reality show = giving the order to Seal Team 6 to take out Global Enemy #1.

viennawoods13 August 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I know. DAMN that man is cool!

elburritodeluxe August 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Trump declined a Gold Medal in the Men's Individual Triathlon. (Too foreign.) He declined the Nobel Peace Prize offered for the classiness of his Miss America Productions. (Not going to take Obama's sloppy seconds). Trump also declined to accept the Green Blazer at the Masters. (Went downhill since they let Tiger Woods in.)

Misty Malarky August 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm

I liked it when Meat Loaf hollered and cussed at Gary Busey.

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Rafalca for VP?

TribecaMike August 9, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Just named at-large convention delegate from New York David Koch is going to be lonely.

Boojum August 9, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Autoerotic hallucination?

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Wow. My sex life is SO much better in your imagination than mine. No fair.

C_R_Eature August 9, 2012 at 6:05 pm

The Angle of Lloyd Dangle is directly proportional to the Heat of the Beat.

docterry6973 August 9, 2012 at 6:51 pm

But who would give a better convention speech – The Donald or Rafalca? I say it's a toss-up.

ttommyunger August 9, 2012 at 11:27 pm

That is definitely a face made for punching, but not without gloves; I would not want to touch that turd with a bare hand.

Negropolis August 10, 2012 at 1:45 am

Isn't Sarasota like the Branson of Florida?

BZ1 August 10, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Has Mitten considered Trump for Veep? That would be delicious.

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Come here Bubulah, let me kiss you and make it better.

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm

For a kiss from you, sweetie, I would climb a mountain. (Hugs the sweet lady)

Fine weather we're having for a change out here. And you?

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Hot. Hot hot hot hot. 54 days over 90. Thus far. Average is 33.Cross the continental divide, and come get your kiss(es).

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I love you with a burning passion, but I ain't goin' nowhere in that kinda heat. I thought 80+ was tea-sippin' weather. Dang! How can you stand it? I hope you've got air-conditioning and the doggies aren't forcing you into long walks. Is Diego holding out OK? Is the foster pup gone? Is ShittySue over her Mad?

viennawoods13 August 9, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Lenny and Squiggy

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

We have a lovely swamp cooler that keeps it bearable inside. And it usuallly cools to less that 70 at night. Doggies aren't going for any walks howsomever. Shitty Sue will only cuddle in the day light. He must have gotten trompled some night. But he'll sleep on a pillow by the bed. Did you get my email the other day? I might have sent it wrong if not.

Boojum August 9, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Eated by the mangy squirrel on Teh Donald's head?

zippy_w_pinhead August 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm

that's much worse than just being touched…

Negropolis August 10, 2012 at 1:43 am

That was so good.

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

That is too perfect. We'll have to forgive the non-rhyming.

viennawoods13 August 9, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Also not rhyming, but Pinky and… Pinky, because there is no brain.

Geminisunmars August 9, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Pinky and Stinky? Pinky and Rinky-Dinky?

ChessieNefercat August 9, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Ren and Stimpy?

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Poor ShittySue.

If I didn't reply, I didn't get it. I'm always good about replying immediately. Either that, or I had a monumental moment of bitterness and destroyed a bunch of email, which is also possible. I'm feeling pretty fucking bitter these days. Luckily, I have this place to come and lurk at when I'm feeling foul. And it will pass. So, write me, already.

MittBorg August 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

That's OK, I was just shamelessly fishing for hugs. Looks like I got me one, too. (Hugs the Chessie)

RadioBowels August 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Coupon Dead and Poop-On Head.

starfanglednut August 9, 2012 at 9:32 pm

*Hugs Z

MittBorg August 10, 2012 at 2:16 am

Hey, sweetpea. Don't let the whining get to ya. It's just a stage. And if I didn't have something to kvetch about life wouldn't be worth living. (Hugs the little star)

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