if you're not doing anything wrong, then why would you mind?Oh hi, judicial branch of the United States, how are you serving as a check or balance on the executive and legislative branches of government today? Why, by allowing the federal government to spy on Americans’ communications without warrants or exposure to lawsuits in order to keep us SAFE, of COURSE, which is exactly as the Constitution envisioned? Very good then!

The federal government may spy on Americans’ communications without warrants and without fear of being sued, a federal appeals court ruled Tuesday in a decision reversing the first and only case that successfully challenged President George W. Bush’s once-secret Terrorist Surveillance Program.

“This case effectively brings to an end the plaintiffs’ ongoing attempts to hold the executive branch responsible for intercepting telephone conversations without judicial authorization,” a three-judge panel of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals wrote. (.pdf)

Oh so warrantless wiretapping has actually been illegal this entire time? Learn something new every day! See, we were under the impression that it has been a sort of a Fourth Amendment free for all ever since 2001, because of Terrorism and Keeping Us Safe and everything, but it turns out, a warrant WAS required until sometime around yesterday afternoon. We’re sure that this is EXACTLY what the Founders had in mind when they wrote the Fourth Amendment, so kudos to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. 


Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • ChernobylSoup

    4th Amendment? How quaint.

    • If it really meant something, it would have been the Second Amendment! It didn't even get the Bronze in the Amendment Olympics!

    • Typodong3

      This is REALLY going to put a damper on my weekend warrentless wiretapping activities.

  • One_who_wanders

    Who needs that silly old third branch of government restraining the rightful power of the Executive?

  • bumfug

    "Warrants? We don't need no stinking warrants!"

  • neiltheblaze

    The rubber stamp court has spoken.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I thought the 9th Circuit was overflowing with Lieberal Activist judges. What happened?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Meh, I only use a cell phone these days, and it doesn't have any wires to tap, so I can say whatever the hell I want on the phone.

    • ChernobylSoup

      And that old "steam through the adhesive" trick doesn't work on email.

      • WhatTheHeck

        If you type/text quietly, they can’t hear you.

    • I just use the Cone of Silence. Works like a charm.

      • mlle_derp

        What? I can't hear you?

  • UnholyMoses

    Haven't you been paying attention? The only Amendments that matter are the 2nd and 10th.

    And maybe repealing the 13th and 14th.

    • Biff

      We also reserve the 1st amendment right to spew utter bullshit all the time.

      • bikerlaureate

        Only if it's Santorum-type bullshit.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Don't forget to repeal the 19th because women are dumb an have periods and cooties.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        That's okay, as long as they keep their pussy clean.

    • And the Fifth, but only if it's a Republican on trial

  • mavenmaven

    yeah, like they aren't going to do it anyway.

  • Extemporanus

    More importantly, what impact will this ruling have on warrantless ass tapping?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Ass tapping is always warranted.

      • Extemporanus

        …said Judge Wapner to Rusty the Bailiff.

    • Or warrantless spinal tapping (!) gah!

      • Extemporanus

        After the 9th District Court of Appeals, this case now goes to 11.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Ya gotta be hung to move from an ass tap to a spinal tap.

      • bikerlaureate

        They can have my cerebrospinal fluid when they suction it out of my cold, dead lumbars.

    • RadioBowels

      No more butt tapping? (Nervously looks over shoulder.)

    • elviouslyqueer

      According to Larry Craig, public restroom tapping is somewhat frowned upon.

      • Extemporanus


        Widestanceromance is in the next stall.

    • widestanceromance

      How about just a little white ass slapping? Who am I kidding, if you slap it, you're gonna tap it.

  • YouBetcha

    Would anyone like my rights? I'm not using them at the moment.

    • WhatTheHeck

      sorry, your rights are as worthless as mine. Keep em to yourself.

    • Are they fresh? Cuz mine are kinda gamey.

    • IndianaKevin

      Can I get that with a side of lefts?

  • noodlesalad

    A conservative's guide to the Bill of Rights:
    1st – I have the right to hate you, to talk about that hate, and to get paid to talk about that hate. You have no right to complain about this.
    2nd – I have the right to kill you, dead, forever. You have no right to complain about this.
    3rd – You don't have to live with a soldier. You do have to refer to them as heroes now and forever.
    4th – If you're not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to hide.
    5th – Only guilty people use this one. And you're all guilty anyway.
    6th – You have the right to be put to death as quickly as possible for being any one or combination of the following: hippie/black/illegal/liberal commie/terrorist.
    7th – You can get a jury in Gitmo. You just won't know they're there.
    8th – Waterboarding is totes OK.
    9th – We can ignore any law that conflicts with our freedom to oppress you.

    • RadioBowels
      • mlle_derp

        This is a public service announcement- with guitar!

    • elviouslyqueer

      And don't forget the important caveat/reminder:

      Fuck the remaining amendments, since they weren't what God and the Founding Fathers (with the exception of that godless intellectual slave-fucking asshole Thomas Jefferson) intended. USA USA USA USA USA, also.

    • bikerlaureate

      You forgot the end part of the 3rd:

      "…unless they like the ghey."

  • HogeyeGrex

    And this from those commies in the 9th Circuit, too.

    I guess we can just hold on to the fact that it's a good sign the plaintiffs haven't been extraordinarily rendered yet.

    They haven't, have they?

    • Schmannnity

      You're thinking of the 5th and 11th Circuits.

      • mlle_derp

        God-damned Arabic numerals…

    • shelwood46

      Of course not. According to the nice man in the suit, they're on a round-the-world cruise, on a boat with no phones, and they'll be back when you've forgotten they exist.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    The SCOTUS is still operational after the Obamacare ruling?

  • Baconzgood

    I'm sure that the right wing will blame Obama on this ruling.


  • Goonemeritus

    Well as long as we are tearing up amendments that second amendment looks like it will rip up real easy like.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You could also blow it to shreds with an assault rifle.

  • What kills me are the people who say, "I don't care. I have nothing to hide, if it makes us safer, I'm all for it." That's not the point you stupid fucks.

    • mlle_derp

      “Every nation that has ended in tyranny has come to that end by way of good order. It certainly does not follow from this that peoples should scorn public peace, but neither should they be satisfied with that and nothing more. A nation that asks nothing of government but the maintenance of order is already a slave in the depths of its heart; it is a slave of its well-being, ready for the man who will put it in chains.”
      ― Alexis de Tocqueville

    • bikerlaureate

      Worse, it's usually "if it might make us safer…", since proof is such a pinko egghead concept anyway.

    • But god forbid the government investigate neo-Nazi skinheads! Oppression!!

  • Baconzgood

    "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. NOT!!!!!"


    • emmelemm

      "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. NOT!!!!!"


      • Baconzgood

        I don't know how to do that. I'm not smart on the intertube.orgcom

        • mlle_derp
          • Baconzgood

            There was no pornography on that site…

          • mlle_derp

            I don't know how to do that. I'm not smart on the intertube.orgcom

          • Baconzgood

            Thanks for the help….But there was STILL no pornography on that site!

          • mlle_derp

            Sorry, snark fail- I just meant I don't know how to get porn onto that site…

          • Baconzgood

            My snark bad.

  • Ducksworthy

    They really should sue the Obama administration for doing what W. did if they want to limit Executive Branch power. Whats that acronym for "It OK if a Republican does it"? And is there a corollary that "Its treason if a blah Demonrat does it."

    • bikerlaureate

      Any blah, really.
      Or any Demonrat.

  • Boojum

    Yeah, but scary black Muslin Preznit.

  • PuckStopsHere

    In a related note, the Court also ruled that the right of citizens everywhere to get their asses shot off while attending a movie is absolute.

  • HogeyeGrex

    When does the Bush Legacy go the fuck away?

    • Biff

      When Roberts croaks or quits.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        We need to vote him out!
        What? Are you fucking kidding me?

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      When we try him for war crimes and make an example of him?

  • PhilippePetain

    When our kids hear Cherry Pie and they ask what the band's name means, we will just cry and cry, and they will never know what they said that hurt us so.

  • SorosBot

    Everyone say hi to the nice FBI man monitoring our conversations!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      *waves, then gives the bird*

    • ChernobylSoup

      01100111 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101000 01100101 01101100 01101100

      (FBI uses computers for most of that kind of work)

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Errbody knows they just build a parallel datacenter, make the service provider copy the traffic, and leave enough compute cycles on standby to decrypt anything interesting.

    • Negropolis

      "Goodnight, Gracie."

  • sbj1964

    Yes but the chineese judges gave the 9th court of appeals a 8.7 even though they stuck the landing perfect.

    • HogeyeGrex

      That was just because the court didn't get Google to self-censor.

  • coolhandnuke

    Does this mean I can listen to Warrant really loud without the neighbors calling the cops?

  • I can't wait until Dubya and all the assholes who unilaterally decided we didn't have any rights during his administration have croaked — it's going to be a great pee-on-their-graves road trip.

    (edited to fix abysmal syntax).

  • Biff

    But how will this affect $arah??

  • The only wires being used these days are like the one Clemenza used on Carlo. Quite effectively, I'd add.

  • Actually, having skimmed the decision, what the court said was that Congress had made it impossible for you to sue over it, as they didn't waive sovereign immunity related to the wire taps. As such, you can't sue for damages.

    • HistoriCat

      So it's illegal for them to wiretap but if they DO wiretap there are no consequences? Awesome.

  • WhatTheHeck

    This country needs a good exorcist.

  • fartknocker

    Habeas corpus is way over-rated…

    • Most Amercian corpuses are hardly worth habeasing…

  • RadioBowels

    I'm sure a Romney Administration would correct this affront on our liberties.

  • I wondered about that click on my phone line this morning…

  • IncenseDebate

    This will all be solved when we learn to love Big Brother.

  • Blueb4sinrise



    • TribecaMike

      I'm guessing you don't live in the USA. Am I right or am I right?

      • Blueb4sinrise


  • Yeah but the Second Amendment is still cool right? Because that's the IMPORTANT one.

  • Baconzgood

    What's the big deal? You only get dew process if you've already done somthing wrong. The government NEVER locks up innocent people, amIright?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I am okay with warrantless stuff because WARRANT sucked!

  • TribecaMike

    With that out of the way, the judges can move on to more pressing matters like why wizards, witches and presumably house-elves in the Harry Potter books celebrate Christmas.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Haha, fuckwit founding fathers, your experiment didn't last very long.

    Now I will go drink.

    • HarryButtle

      Have a Sam Adams. For freedum.

  • Blunderthing

    Tap on this. (Never miss an opportunity to shamelessly self-promote. This is, after all, the Innernetz.)

  • Next up on the chopping block – the need for a warrant to search your home, car or person.

    Who says Conservatives are progressive?

    • Generation[redacted]

      And woe be to those who refuse to quarter soldiers in their homes. That's just plain hating our troops.

    • bikerlaureate

      I say they're post-regressive.

      If it was good enough for the Know-Nothings, gosh darn it…

  • mlle_derp

    Meh- wake me up when you realize that all the Amendments are unwarranted…

  • Generation[redacted]

    "Hi. I'm the government. You don't need the 1st, 4th, or 5th Amendment rights anymore. In fact, all you need is the 2nd Amendment, and that should be sufficient to protect you from any abuse of government power. Go ahead. Here's a gun. Pick it up. I double dog dare you."

  • pinkocommi

    The government can still strip search me without a warrant, right? Because I LOVE being strip searched. Also.

    • IndianaKevin

      Now, if you'll just relax that sphincter, we'll have you on your way in a moment …

  • proudgrampa




  • ttommyunger

    Don't forget the all-seeing eye. CCTV cameras are people too, my friend.

  • BZ1

    we don't need no stinkin' warrants (I'm using this stale phrase to death now)

Previous articleConservatives And Liberals Unite To Get Paul Ryan on Presidential Ticket
Next articleAmtrak ‘Pulling A Train’ (Not The Sex Kind) For Gay Passengers