Ohio May Choose The Next President (Who Will 100% Be Mitt Romney Guaranteed)

  one man no vote

i ohio voting?It was only a few short days ago that Mitt Romney lied for no apparent reason about Barack Obama wanting to disenfranchise military voters. Somehow, giving everyone in Ohio three extra days to vote would be like the next Pearl Harbor, except instead of Japanese bombs, Obama’s planes would drop little Dennis Kuciniches to socialize everything.

But hey, Mitt Romney, turn that frown upside down! (Or that weird grin-grimace thing you do when confronted with the spectre of human feelings.) Even if you can’t hide behind the military to temporarily disenfranchise Democrats, there’s like a million other ways you could do it, because Ohio Republicans are the Steve Jobses of Democrats not voting.

In response to the 2008 election results, Ohio Republicans drastically curtailed the early voting period in 2012 from thirty-five to eleven days, with no voting on the Sunday before the election, when African-American churches historically rally their congregants to go to the polls. (Ohio was one of five states to cut back on early voting since 2010.) Voting rights activists subsequently gathered enough signatures to block the new voting restrictions and force a referendum on Election Day. In reaction, Ohio Republicans repealed their own bill in the state legislature, but kept a ban on early voting three days before Election Day (a period when 93,000 Ohioans voted in 2008), adding an exception for active duty members of the military, who tend to lean Republican. (The Obama campaign is now challenging the law in court, seeking to expand early voting for all Ohioans).

Okay, so there are like eighteen laws now that allow voting at some point before election day based on military affiliation and maybe what god you believe in, it’s not clear. But at least it’s the same law across the state.

Now, in heavily Democratic cities like Cleveland, Columbus, Akron and Toledo, early voting hours will be limited to 8 am until 5 pm on weekdays beginning on October 1, with no voting at night or during the weekend, when it’s most convenient for working people to vote. Republican election commissioners have blocked Democratic efforts to expand early voting hours in these counties, where the board of elections are split equally between Democratic and Republican members. Ohio Republican Secretary of State Jon Husted has broken the tie by intervening on behalf of his fellow Republicans.

 
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‘I cannot create unequal access from one county board to another, and I must also keep in mind resources available to each county,” Husted said in explaining his decision to deny expanded early voting hours in heavily Democratic counties.

I mean, that makes sense, you wouldn’t want unequal access across-

Yet in solidly Republican counties like Warren and Butler, GOP election commissioners have approved expanded early voting hours on nights and weekends. Noted the Cincinnati Enquirer: “The counties where Husted has joined other Republicans to deny expanded early voting strongly backed then-candidate Barack Obama in 2008, while most of those where the extra hours will stand heavily supported GOP nominee John McCain.”

Oh, fuck you with a million burning hammers.

This can’t even be a real thing. This is like some crazy conspiracy you read about in the comments section of a newspaper article between links to 80% off Prada Gucci Viagra BIG TIME DEALS.  This is America. We are, at the very least, supposed to have our thorough corruption of the voting process appear facially neutral. This is offensive to everything I’ve come to expect from targeted voting restrictions in America.

I AM DISAPPOINT.

[The Nation]

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125 comments

    1. Oblios_Cap

      It almost makes me happy that the Gators drub OSU every time they play for a championship in any sport.

      Almost.

    2. kittensdontlie

      We fended off Gov Kaisch's overeach to strip public sector union rights, we will weather this storm too….One can only hope this wakes up those fence-sitting independent voters to the conservative's continuing unconstitutional agenda.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          Good call! My bad. And I grew up eating it (and as kidz we loved the little white cloth bags the sausage came in).

  1. hagajim

    Wow – way to avoid any appearance of impartiality. I don't understand why Ohioans don't just go kick someones ass….oh right, they're in Ohio.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          What a pussy, that guy he smacked didn't even go down.

          When I punch a throat, it stays punched.

  2. grex1949

    These people don't even TRY to hide their racism anymore. And I thought Ohio was north of the Mason/Dixon Line. Guess not.

      1. kittensdontlie

        True. Southerners ever keep pushing their way north to our great misfortune. Lots of West Virginians escaping the Appalachian Coal Apocalypse.

  3. actor212

    In response, the Dems should open polling places in 24 hours a day stores like 7-11 and gas stations.

    "Fill 'er up, and a vote for Obama for me, please!"

  4. noodlesalad

    How do Republicans sleep at night? Oh, right, on big piles of oily, ill-gotten dollars and, increasingly, renminbi. I hear the Chinese Yuan provides more back support.

  5. Not_So_Much

    They're past even pretending that there is anything but a desire to massively fuck over everybody. Orwell used to be fiction, fer fucks sake…

  6. SorosBot

    The fact that they're not even trying to hide these blatant attempts at election theft should at least make the courts much more likely to overturn them.

  7. Goonemeritus

    As a Constitutional originalist I feel only the first 13 colonies should be allowed to vote. I would also remove voting privileges from States that ever engaged in rebellion against the lawful government.

    1. doloras

      So that's down to 9 states? Hmmm… too lenient. You're still allowing West Virginia and New Hampshire to vote.

  8. JCE1985

    I wonder what's it like to live a life so driven by greed, power and self-interest that you'd openly pull this shit in the hopes that people will be so complaisant as to not even try to fight it.

    This is why I don't believe in conspiracy theories (well, one of the reasons): The people who demand power and work to disenfranchise various people and parts of society are doing it out in the open.

  9. FakaktaSouth

    I don't know why anyone is questioning the judgment of the state that brought us John Boehner as Speaker. Also, fucked with a million burning hammers? Like, the handle part?

  10. Oblios_Cap

    You forgot to mention that the precincts in heavily Democratic (i.e. urban) areas are usually few and far between, while they tend be stacked up in the GOP areas.

    That's what this really meant in GOP-speak: ‘I cannot create unequal access from one county board to another, and I must also keep in mind resources available to each county,” Husted said

    1. Mumbly_Joe

      I am just trying to imagine the wingnut flipout if the, say, Colorado Secretary of State were to say, "I will do everything in my power to deliver Colorado to the President".

  11. bflrtsplk

    What the Rethugs don`t know is that I have already formed my own company, Liebold, and I have one million Obama votes in Ohio all ready to go as soon as I get the signal. Oops, maybe I shouldn`t have said that.

  12. Mittens Howell, III

    Let's just tell Republicans that November 6 is Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day II and they can cast their vote with their order.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It's a tradition dating back over 100 years, although LeBron didn't have to invent the airplane to get the fuck out like them brothers from Dayton.

    2. Chet Kincaid_

      I'm originally from Cleveland, but that shit the owner and fans pulled was disgraceful. He gave them 7 years to get their act together and put a winning team around him, then exercised his rights as an emancipated 5/5ths of a human being. Yet they all acted like he had fucked their daughters while watching a dogfight and firing a pistol in a dance club.

      1. Billmatic

        Akron, to be precise; being from there is all the more reason to leave.

        The only issue I had with the whole situation was the televised announcement/commercial which I blame more on ESPN than LeBron.

  13. NorthStarSpanx

    Liberals work to register voters, conservatives work to impede the voting process. . .I'm beginning to see a trend.

  14. comrad_darkness

    Why are they bothering with any of this. They can just run select counties' votes through the RNC servers like in 2004, right? Done and done.

  15. actor212

    OK, so here's the rules for voting in Ohio:

    Each voter gets a vote, except for the voter on the machine's right, who gets two. Now, his second vote is turned up, except on Tuesdays. Two votes for Obama are a "half-fizzbin" unless one vote is for Romney, in which case you have a "royal fizzbin," and Ohio goes for Romney.

    Clear now?

  16. freakishlywrong

    Should be fun when wingnuts steal the house, senate and the WH and try to tell the pitchfork wielding electorate that they "have a mandate". And then dismantle all the safety nets. Good times!

  17. Estproph

    "Solidly Republican" areas in Ohio are mostly along the Ohio river. Think "Deliverance" with a bigger river.

    1. ph7

      The polling booths of Ohio had been replaced by shopping malls
      And teatard rage filled the air from Seneca to Cuyahoga Falls
      Way to go, Ohio

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    "with no voting at night or during the weekend, when it’s most convenient for working people to vote."

    Well, those Republicans are shooting themselves in the foot, since we all know that the people they want to disenfranchise are all a bunch of shiftless, no-jobs-having, welfare-collecting minorities. "Those people" have all fucking day to vote.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Heh … these same states are forcing welfare recipients to carry photo IDs in order to get benefits. This is going to collide head-on with the goals of the GOPtard voter-ID laws.

  19. viennawoods13

    My g-g-g-g-g-g Irish grandfather used to accompany Shawnee on their raids on white settlements in the Ohio Valley during the Revolution. Retroactively, I think he may have been right.

    1. doloras

      The Irish have always known that the whites (Anglos) are not to be trusted. Until that asshole Peter King (R-IRA) came along.

  20. Mittens Howell, III

    Here comes Wolf Blitzer's scalding investigative journamalism report where he call these fuckers out and gives them a tongue lashing.

    No! No Wolf, not THAT kind of tongue lashing.

    Oh, Wolf, that's just sad, give the man his pants back and go to a commercial for fuck's sake.

  21. CapnFatback

    In my seven years in this prosaic state, I've learned that Ohioans are simple people with simple pleasures. Those pleasures include:

    ► Staking all the hopes and dreams of their humdrum lives to the success of a college athletic team
    ► Not buying new pants when their waistline begins to migrate above their current size, thus leading to the gut shelf resting upon a tightened belt that I like to call the "Ohioverhang"
    ► Randomly drifting in and out of highway lanes without signal nor any real sense of purpose
    ► Bacon, and lots of it!
    ► Disenfranchising the votes of poors and "colorful" folk

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      On one of my first trips to Wright Pat a couple years back, I found a local Dayton bar and asked the barmaid to set me up with a pint of some local suds. She asked what I meant and I said "Well, if you go to Wisconsin, there's Leinenkugel's; in PA, Rolling Rock; Boston, Sam Adams; Texas, Shiner. So what ya got, Ohio?"
      She said, "We got Bud Light longnecks for a buck seventy five all night long tonight."
      "Gimme a Bacardi and Coke."

      1. SorosBot

        No, PA is Yuengling; Rolling Rock is in that sucky Western half of the state.

        And I've stayed in Ohio a few times while traveling between Philly and Chicago; everyone there over about 25 was morbidly obese, and the majority of people had fucking mullets.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      My one and only trip to Ohio, for a wedding, featured an overnight drive deep into the sclerotic heart of the state, ending with breakfast at a local feeding trough (Denny's, I think). We watched in horrified wonder as a family of four (mom, dad, junior and sis), each of them three feet wide and easily 300 lbs, waddled to the all-you-can-eat buffet and piled their plates sky high with bacon, sausage, biscuits, and "gravy". (In Ohio, "gravy" is bacon fat and flour.) They later went back for seconds, like a small herd of grazing elephants. For all I know, they went back for thirds after we left. Thus sensitized, we observed that fully 2/3 of all adults in the room were very seriously fat. Clearly, an all-you-can-eat buffet is not going to provide a representative sample, but still, it was scary.

      That was 40 years ago, and all four of them are most likely dead, so they, at least, can't vote for Romney.

  22. jaytingle

    The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is located in Cleveland, ostensibly because the term "rock and roll" was coined by disgraced Cleveland disc jockey Alan Freed. But the induction ceremony for the hallowed hall takes place in NYC. It's as if the inductees/rock gods wouldn't bother to accept the honor of eternal tribute if the process requires a trip to Ohio.
    Let's ask Mitt if he's willing to retire in Ohio in exchange for their electoral votes. He can always flip-flop.

      1. jaytingle

        You got me. The ceremony moved from the Waldorf Astoria to Public Hall this very year. And what a stellar assemblage: Not Guns and Roses performed as well as the Faces. And let's not forget the Kid Rock tribute to the late Adam Yauch.
        Look for the party to move back to New York when big names are inducted.
        As a wise man once said: "Ever heard the term 'pity fuck?'"

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        As did Ian Hunter, too, I guess. But he had an excuse, he was from England, what would he know about Cleveland?

      2. actor212

        Oh, I don't know. They have the world's longest bar right across the street from the Jake. That has to count for something in "rockin'"

  23. KeepFnThatChicken

    We are, at the very least, supposed to have our thorough corruption of the voting process appear facially neutral.

    If you think that's offensive, then Diebold 2004. When can we go back to the days of rigged elections by paper ballots, corrupt election officials, and missing ballot boxes? Those were the good ol' days.

    Ohio, the Floriduh of the Midwest.

  24. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Ohio Rethuglicans:

    It's all fun and games until the U.N. election monitors show up.

    Just sayin'.

    EQ

    1. JustPixelz

      EXACTLY! If, say, Iran or mon dieu! France made rules like this, the Repubicans would be all "see what they're like". And I'd be all "same as you". And they'd be all like " USA USA USA". And I'd be all like "Albania runs elections better than us." And they'd be all like "USA USA USA". Just sayin'.

  25. thefrontpage

    Ohio will go completely to Obama-Biden in the November, 2012, general election, by a margin of 75 percent for Obama-Biden, 20 percent for those Republicans, and 5 percent for other candidates, according to a recent poll and survey of 58,694 voters across the United States by Carnac Kreskin Polls and Surveys. "I am quite confident that–wait, I'm getting a sign, hold on, I'm seeing something here–yes, now, I'm quite confident that Obama-Biden will indeed win Ohio with 75 percent of the votes cast," said Carnac Kreskin III, the president, chief executive officer, chairman and chief operating officer of Carnac Kreskin Polls and Surveys. "In fact, the only state where we see a Romney victory is Utah."

  26. ttommyunger

    This is all so complicated, why not just implement the "Paper Bag" Test at Polling Places? – If you be darker than a paper bag, you are shit out of luck, my friend. The old solutions are often the best ones.

  27. Native_of_SL_UT

    Cleveland should hire a lion hunter. I know there are no lions in Cleveland, just as there is no voter fraud. Lions are scarier than voters though.

  28. TribecaMike

    Sad but true bit o' political trivia: After winning four gold medals in the 1936 Olympics, Jesse Owens was so broke (and white society so uninterested in him except as a curiosity), he accepted a bribe of $10,000 – $15,000 from GOP boosters to endorse Alf Landon in that year's presidential election. Repugs are old hands at chicanery.

  29. ChessieNefercat

    I'm so sorry, everyone. Please accept my apologies. I am Ohioan born and bred, growing up in Ohio when rivers burst into flames, world class lakes died, the Indians never won, and the Cleveland city trashcans all proudly proclaimed Cleveland to be the "Best Location in the Nation!" Dull, yes, but hey, not Michigan! (Now I live in Michigan.)

    I grew up in Lakewood, an adjoining suburb on the west side of Cleveland, which somehow remained 100% white until long after I was grown and gone. African-Americans must have felt positively presidential driving through town to go fishing in Bay Village, followed as they were by whatever local police cars happened to notice them. Just like a motorcade!

    At least I didn't live in Parma. We always sneered at Parma, though I am not sure why. I think it had something to do with white shoes and belts and polka. Like we Irish were any better. The water taps still run pure whiskey on St. Patrick's Day on the West Side, judging from my last visit. The East Side is still the old money side of town (Shaker Heights, etc.).

    So by all means keep piling on Ohio. I live in Michigan now so I am not really in a position to point fingers.

  30. HelmutNewton

    This is too depressing to snark. And the worst part is that the "liberal" media has not even bothered to cover the GOP voter-suppression effort honestly. They have swallowed the phony right-wing "OMG, dead voters are everywhere!" meme hook line, and sinker.

  31. BeefHardcake

    When I read the title of this article, I thought about what Romney would be like as president, and I peed myself. Just a little bit.

  32. Ducksworthy

    The first Supreme Court ruling to be made, after Willard makes his appointments, will dispense with the myth of voting and have all politicians directly appointed by the people who count, corporations.

  33. Ducksworthy

    I suggest we let Diebold rule Ohio, secede, and turn Ohio into the Hunger Games type industrial wasteland it was meant to be.

Comments are closed.