snitches get stitches from obamacare

Obama ‘Basketball’ Fund-Raiser Will Be Full Of Terrible Famous Black Millionaires, Also Hip-Hop, Probably Too

snitchin on his oral hygeineBarack Obama likes basketball, and so will hold a basketball-themed fundraiser. (Presumably he will do other stereotypically black things, like hold a massive rummage sale for his giant stockpile of old Alizé.) The Washington Free Bacon is covering this event by doing the responsible journalism the Lamestream Media won’t, and exposing all of the tall, rich black men who almost certainly have giant equipment … in their spacious homes for practicing basketball.

Politico reports that the Obama campaign has announced the “Obama Classic,” a fundraiser starring former and current NBA stars. Those announced to attend include failed baseball player Michael Jordan, “Ewing Theory” namesake Patrick Ewing, and anti-police activist Carmelo Anthony.

Hahaha, that’s cute how the greatest basketball player of all time is actually a failed baseball player! And how one of the greatest centers of all time is awful because he couldn’t win a championship with the Knicks, just like pretty much everyone ever! And how Carmelo Anthony is an “activist”! I mean, have you seen him on the court?

So lazy.

While best known for his disappointing stints with the Denver Nuggets and New York Knicks, Anthony has also taken up the mantle of the “stop snitchin’” movement, appearing in a video promoting drug use and encouraging those who are questioned by the police to refuse to “snitch” on drug dealers, murderers, and other criminals[.]

By “appearing in,” Free Bacon means “standing next to his idiot friend laughing hysterically because this is ridiculous.”

In one segment, Anthony stands on a street, wearing a red shirt and baseball hat and laughing while another man talks about life on the street, snitches and the NBA. Anthony, 20, doesn’t respond to any of the comments about violence, except to laugh.

Also, via Wikipedia, the Stop Snitchin’ videos actually helped catch corrupt police officers, because Carmelo Anthony is a Machiavellian genius.

The publicity of Stop Snitchin’ actually helped to identify several corrupt police officers in the Baltimore area such as former BPD officers William King and Antonio Murray who were sentenced to 315 and 139 years in prison, respectively, following an investigation caused by the DVD which identified the officers as drug traffickers.

Discount Bacon doesn’t stop there, though, oh, no. This is all a part of a grand conspiracy to make The Wire a reality on our streets.

Like President Obama, Anthony has declared his affection for The Wire, HBO’s critically acclaimed drug drama. An Obama donor recently hosted a controversial Wire-themed fundraiser for the president’s reelection campaign.

We are all millionaire athlete gay stick-up men now. #Obama2012

A hint to Carmelo Anthony: take a page from Ice-T and advocate shooting cops for freedom.

[Washington Free Bacon]

What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. RedneckMuslin

      "Jesus Christ, just scream the "N-word" for 20 solid minutes and get it over with. "

      Haven't been round a basketball court much, have ya.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      There is a hilarious Richard Pryor bit where that's basically what he did. Before he dropped the word forever, of course.

  1. Jus_Wonderin

    When I heard this on NPR this morning my very first thought was about all the racist commenters (everywhere) and what they might say. Then I went back to bed and tried to snuff myself with my pillow. Thankfully, my weiner dog didn't want me to die and nuzzled in to find me.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I find it hard to believe that anyone with a wiener dog (or a kitten) in the house would ever contemplate suicide.

    1. MissTaken

      as Childish Gambino aka Donald Glover says:
      'they said me rappin
      was like MJ and baseball
      but that would make me MJ
      so motherfuck all y'all'

    2. Come here a minute

      It only follows that if they call Obama a failed president they are calling him the most successful president ever.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      The "Ewing Theory" drop (the idea that sometimes an otherwise awesome player can actually keep the rest of his team from achieving their highest potential) is an interesting attempt at crossover humor, but most Bill Simmons' readers probably would love the chance to be at any event with Ewing, MJ and Carmelo.

    1. mlle_derp

      Yeah- Team USA might have won gold in dressage if Romney's wife's horse hadn't been affirmative actioned onto the team…

      1. 1stNewtontheMoon

        Exactly what I was thinking. He talks like an annoying post-grad student who just got back from the old country and starts saying, "cheers [even though my religion forbids drinking]," and other bullshit euro-phrases to impress us all.

        either that or Mittbot's internal translating processor was filtering the English to German to English (again).

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Neigh, neigh, neigh. Foot stamp! Whinny.

      Consulting my horse to human athlete translator:

      Fuck that noise! Motherfucker claimed he didn't even know when my event was! After I trained all my God-damned life for the Olympics. He ain't no friend of mine.

      Oh, and I want to thank my personal savior, the ass Jesus rode into Jerusalem, for giving me the ability to overcome such adversity and lack of support to make it to this level.

  2. SmutBoffin

    But will they play the basket sports game? WILL OBAMA PLAY THE SPORTS GAME FREE BACON WHAT GOOD ARE YOU?

      1. 1stNewtontheMoon

        Nash is Canadian and he is almost as proficient at fulfilling the best Canadian stereotypes as he is at running an NBA offense.

  3. WhatTheHeck

    We are all millionaire athlete gay stick-up men now

    Dennis Rodman is showing up in a dress, again?

  4. Callyson

    that’s cute how the greatest basketball player of all time is actually a failed baseball player!

    Ronald Reagan = failed actor

    George W Bush = failed baseball executive

    John Mc Cain = failed war pilot

    Hey, this game is fun!

    OK, Wonketteers, any suggestions on what Mittens failed at, other than running for president?

    1. MacRaith

      Failed dog owner.

      Except that doesn't do him justice. He's a completely catastrophic dog owner.

    2. kittensdontlie

      Failed jeans model.
      Failed job creator.
      Failed taxpayer.
      Failed human.
      Failed. Failed. Failed.

    3. fartknocker

      Wins in the Mom Jeans category and Luxemburg tax havens
      Fails in shopping for groceries and home improvement/repair

  5. BarackMyWorld

    Would Free Bacon refer to an Olympic Gold Medalist as someone who "failed to win a silver"?

  6. coolhandnuke

    No wonder the Washington Generals have lost 11,542 straight to the Harlem Globetrotters–it's all that Washington free bacon.

  7. thefrontpage

    I was a pro basketball player for nine years, made a couple million, and now live comfortably, and I support Obama. So I'll be at the party, too. It should be fun. Basketball was fun, I met a lot of girls, made a lot of money, and I now enjoy my two houses, one a beach house, three cars, beautiful model wife, and two kids, and two dogs (pure-bred, of course). So just because you play basketball and make a lot of money and live a comfortable life, that doesn't mean that you cannot support a Democrat for president! I also have a line of fashionable sportswear, a line of men's formal wear, a cologne, and a line of custom-made water bottles, travel mugs and coffee mugs. Joe Biden is a friend of mine, too. Obama and Biden are pretty good at pick-up basketball, too!

    1. fartknocker

      Thanks rich NBA athlete for all your job creation. Do you enjoy dressage and if so, what is the name of your dancing, prancing pony?

    2. Tundra Grifter

      If were were a pro basketball player for 9 years and you've been out of the game more than about 2 years, you would have declared BK by now.

      Just sayin'.

      1. thefrontpage

        Why wtf? Read what I said! I'm a pro basketball player, retired, who made a lot of money and supports Obama and Biden! And I have a big house, lots of money, a trophy wife, some cars, and I am a Democrat! That's the message–that the rich and athletic and succesful and good-looking can also support Democrats.

  8. SwanSwanH

    Cue a regatta-themed fundraiser for the other guy, featuring failed casino owner Donald Trump, rudder-post failure Dennis Conner and Judge Elihu Smails.

    1. Poindexter718

      I'll say the toast:
      It's easy to grin/
      when your ship comes in/
      and you've got the IRS beat.
      But a man worthwhile/
      is the man who can smile/
      when his magic underwear's too tight in the seat.
      –Judge Smails

    1. b[redact]opple

      I'll never forgive myself for that time I was walking down L Street, espied that sad twat, and refrained from kicking him in the face. I mean just look at it!

  9. noodlesalad

    I prefer the "Stop Bitchin" movement, whereby you kick the shit out of racist pieces of trash like Washington Free Bacon.

  10. Maman

    I thought the key was to advocate for gun rights and make them forget you previously advocated killing cops… So when they support you they are actually supporting killing cops by the laws of syllogism…

  11. Biff

    When I realized Larry Bird would not be in attendance, I respectfully declined the invitation.

  12. bikerlaureate

    "Controversial," in this article, couldn't be more redundant if it tried.

    I don't remember this kind of bitterness when non-blah incumbents held fundraisers, but that's probably what comes from being outside the Beltway.

  13. Goonemeritus

    Why doesn’t Obama hold fundraisers with sports that are dominated by white people like Luge & Curling? Could it be he has a deep seated resentment of white people?

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Duh, black people are afraid of cold weather. That's why you never see them skiing.

      1. Negropolis

        And, that's why you never see blah people in Chicago, and Cleveland, and Milwaukee, and especially why you don't see them at all in Detroit.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Those may be the last sports that actually are dominated by white people. (And hockey, but that's awfully working-class.) Golf, cricket, and tennis got s(p)oiled years ago.

      There's always yachting, but there are about as many Democrats as blacks in yachting circles. It's hard to have a fundraiser with three guests, no matter how much you charge them.

  14. Biff

    I'm reasonably certain that it is not by accident that Bain Capital owns no NBA franchises.

    Assumes facts not in evidence, I know…

  15. Advn2rgirl

    MJ: "I'll do what I can to help y'all. But, the game's out there, and it's play or get played. That simple. "

    Anthony: "For a cold-ass crew of gangstaz, y'all carried it like Republicans and shit."

  16. coolhandnuke

    Much assploding heads in wingnutville over this one. They'll need to slip the "Hoosiers" VHS in and drift back to blissful absolutes where the scrappy underdog traditional valued white kids beat them.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        Misty May and Kerri have no idea why their sport consisting of one team and an international cast of Washington Generals in bikinis is more popular than the WNBA! Beach Volleyball uniforms are entirely practical! Doesn't everyone want more opportunities for sand to reach their nethers?

      2. Negropolis

        A WNBA is what happens when a mommy and another mommy love each other very much…like so much that it's illegal in certain states.

    1. UnholyMoses

      Many are on the USA Olympic team and are kicking the living shit out of the rest of the world.

      Just like they've done in every international game since 1992.

      USA! USA! USA!

  17. elviouslyqueer

    Oh, I get it. The Free Beacon is like Breitbart, only with an IQ that's slightly above 10 and with a smidge less racism.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    "An Obama donor recently hosted a controversial Wire-themed fundraiser for the president’s reelection campaign."

    It was a lot more interesting than the Leave It to Beaver-themed fundraiser that was held for the Mittster. Except when the keynote speaker dropped the "stay home and help the boys pack fudge" line.

  19. Shypixel

    Of course he had to come up with twisted, convoluted reasons to dislike the attendees.

    You can't just speak the truth these days: Black = Scary

    Why is this so hard for people to understand? I'm pretty sure this is in the Bible somewhere…

    1. mlle_derp

      And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him.
      But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

      1. Shypixel

        Don't quote the Liberal Bible to me. The only one that counts is the Conservative, Tea-Party Bible, which edits out all that lib claptrap that has snuck in over the years.

        The new version of Leviticus 19:33-34 is:

        And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him, unless he be black, or mexican, or any color really, other than lily white. Or if he be Muslim, and if he be not white, than he surely is Muslim.

        But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be blamed for all your ills, and for taking your jobs, and deported, and there shall be no amnesty; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt, but were still much better than those ragheads: I am the LORD your God.

    2. FlownOver

      "Now therefore ye are cursed, and there shall none of you be freed from being bondmen, and hewers of wood and drawers of water for the house of my God."

      Joshua 9:23, KJV

  20. Callyson

    And in a related story–some GOP lackey describes us Obama supporters as mental cases:

    "There was a disappointment tonight. I was very embarrassed. I was in this parking lot and there was a man looking for a space to park, and I found a space for him. And I felt badly — he looked like he was sort of in distress. And I said, 'Sir, here's a place.' And he said, 'That's a handicapped space.' I said, 'Oh I'm so sorry, I saw that Obama sticker and I thought you were mentally retarded."….

    IOKIYAR again….


  21. lunchbox360

    Wow! Those blahs sure are uppity with their millions of dollars and gigantic equipment.

  22. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Black millionaires, who are you kidding? Really? Do the Republicans know about this?

    1. SorosBot

      No, Wilt Chamberlain libel! No one else has ever managed to score over a hundred points in a single game.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          THANK You!

          It's all about the hardware.

          PS: Take a look some time at how many World Series rings Yogi Berra has – player, coach, manager. Astonishing.

        2. Negropolis

          Well, that, and it's easy to dominate in the early era of a sport, particularly when everyone (including the players) are still learning how to play the game and you are quite literally building the game around yourself. That, and everyone was shorter and smaller back then. lol

  23. Tundra Grifter

    Based on the reports of the Romney Family 4th of July Picnic and Field Day, the theme of a (r)Money fundraiser would be any game Mittens is guaranteed to win.

    Mr. Obama is well-known for getting very upset if anyone ever tries to play "client golf" with him.

  24. 1stNewtontheMoon

    If Mitt hosts a dressage themed fundraiser can attendees write off the cost of ticket as a business loss?

    1. Biff

      I'd be willing to let the bastards write off all their rMoney campaign contributions as losses if they'd just shut the fuck up and go away after the election.

  25. pdiddycornchips

    Guinness Book of World Records will be monitoring this fundraiser as it will likely be the largest sausage fest in history.

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      You are sorely mistaken. Have you ever seen a pack of NBA groupies? It resembles an AVN awards pre-party.

  26. 1stNewtontheMoon

    The stop snitching bit is hilarious. It was 8 years ago. Anthony was 20 years old at the time and not "known for disappointing stints" with the Nuggets or Knicks but for kicking so much ass that he led Syracuse to win the NCAA tournament as a freshman.

  27. Antispandex

    I know we have a negro President, but you mean to tell me that "those people", are allowed to go to Washingotn D.C. (our holy national capitol, amen), and play basketball, and be all political? This may be the worst thing ever…well, at least since we annexed Texas.

  28. Gleem McShineys

    Dear Free B(e)acon:

    Usually it is called a "dog whistle" — not an air horn.

    Next time be a little more subtle, like using the words Knickers, niggardly, dark horse, enigmas, and of course, tar-baby into your story.

    1. Shypixel

      And a failed pundit, failed journalist, failed mother, failed college student, failed follower of jesus… the list just goes on and on…

  29. BZ1

    The Wash Free Bacon is a fronted by "the Center for American Freedom, a non-profit organization dedicated to preserving and protecting the Constitution and American freedoms, while educating the American public on how to morally and wisely use their freedoms." (gag, gag) Note the Constitution is invoked whenever the loons want to justify shot-em-ups.

  30. Butch_Wagstaff

    Don't forget "deNIGrate". Seems to be one of Romney's favorite words to criticize Obama.

  31. Butch_Wagstaff

    I clicked on the link thinking free bacon might be involved. Damn you, Wonkette! I want my free bacon!

  32. JohnnyBrooklyn

    Somewhere in here there's a dressage joke in here involving Rafalka and Anne Romney's virginity but rather than think of it I'd rather just call these tools a bunch of racists and go to bed.

Comments are closed.