less money mo problems

Mitt Romney So Mad About Obama Doing A Thing Mitt Romney Asked For

There are plenty of jobs available in the hobo bean industryWe know most people don’t watch “the news” anymore, but you might have heard from your friends on the Facebook that we are in the midst of a years-long grinding economic recession, the primary feature of which is persistently high un- and underemployment. Some might argue that this is because companies have learned to make money with fewer employees working more hours and that’s working out really good in the short term for them so why should they do anything different, plus state governments are running out of money and laying off tons of people. But other, smarter people, people working for Mitt Romney, know the truth about our economic downturn: it’s because Barack Obama is just stone cold givin’ out welfare money to “those people,” who otherwise would go out and get some of those hot computer programming jobs. Why did you cause the recession, President Obama, by granting states greater flexibility in the way in which they provide federally funded welfare benefits, four years after the recession started?

Do you remember the ’90s, and how welfare was bad then, so we destroyed it? Mitt Romney does! Here, here is something Newt Gingrich said in 1994, only this is the R-Money 2012 remix:

Making a play for middle-class voters, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney sought Tuesday to elevate welfare reform as a campaign issue, accusing President Barack Obama of encouraging a “culture of dependency.”

“We will end a culture of dependency and restore a culture of good hard work,” Romney said.

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Haha, just like Bill Clinto did! But wait, didn’t Bill Clinton dismantle welfare in 1996? Yes, of course he did! But that dastardly liberal Barack Obama is trying to dismantle that dismantlement, by telling the states that they can keep giving people benefits if they aren’t working, if they want to. This is called “waiver authority,” and since Republicans always claim to be in favor of states’ rights, you would think they would like this! In fact, might a … certain Republican governor have requested this very thing, in 2005 or so?

Romney was among several Republican governors who signed a letter in 2005 asking for more “waiver authority.”

Haha, of course he did, why would this even be a question.

Anyway, we guess we should point out that, while it’s always gross to say that people who get subsistence-level government assistance so they and their children don’t starve are lazy bums who should get off the dole and get a minimum wage job at Wal-Mart that can’t actually support them, it was a lot easier to say this in the mid-90s when the economy was ticking along nicely, rather than in, say, the early ’10s, when the defining feature of the economic landscape is that there are not that many fucking jobs to get. But, whatever, obviously everyone’s on welfare because it’s easier than working one of those readily available jobs out there, and that’s why we’re having all these economic problems, and Mitt Romney will save America by firing all these underperforming welfare queens, the end.

Anyway, let’s end this post with a pair of deuling statements from the two campaigns that nicely exemplify the stilted, content-free language that we’ll be treated to over the next ninetysomething days until it’s all blessedly over. First up, Obama campaign spokesperson Lis Smith:

Romney is once again flip flopping on a position he took in Massachusetts, and demonstrating that he lacks the core strength and principles the nation needs in a president.

Oooh, how do you respond, Romney policy director Lanhee Chen?

His policies will take America backward — back to the discredited liberalism of a bygone era where bigger government programs and bigger government checks were the answer to every problem, and accountability was not on the agenda.

Dear presidential campaigns: If you’re looking to reduce headcount and increase efficiency, we’re pretty sure both of these people could be replaced by a Microsoft Word macro. [AP]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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164 comments

    1. emmelemm

      Wasn't he just seen buying several cases of caffeine free diet soda on his "look at me I'm a regular guy" shopping trip this weekend?

      I think he's doubling down.

  1. SorosBot

    Dear Mitt Romney;

    As someone who has been unemployed for many months and has been looking for a job, any job, and not finding anything, I cordially request that you please go kindly fuck yourself.

    1. imissopus

      Wonkette commenter is a sort of job. Well, unpaid internship in Snark. But the page views provide income to the Editrix, so we're sort of job creators, when you think about it. I will now go back to bed.

    2. pdiddycornchips

      Sorry to hear that dude. You should ask Mittens parents to loan you 20k to start a business.

    3. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Quit being lazy Mr. Bot and go out and inherited some money like everyone else in America.

    4. proudgrampa

      As someone with exactly the same qualifications (AND my unemployment benefits ran out last week), I second the motion of the gentleman-Bot from Soros.

    5. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Well Soros…you can solve this the Republican way. Okay, here's how we begin…first we shrink you to the size of an infant, then we pop you into the vagina of some upperclass GOP twat (maybe Bachmann…) and then, when you're born you can ask for your inheritance and use that to finance some shady enterprise designed to fuck people over and when the government regulates your industry, bitch about the government and take your ill-gotten fortune to run for Congress. Then you can buddy up with the Kochs and other like-minded sociopathic fuckwads and they can finance your endless re-election campaigns! It's a fool proof plan…now where's my shrink ray?

      1. Designer_Rants

        Don't forget the millions of dollars that taxpayers pay in pension guarantees, unemployment, and food assistance when said shady entrepreneur decimates those jobs, pensions, and communities. We all have a stake!

    6. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      also…as an added bonus of my plan (which costs just 2999.99!) you can get the benefit of telling other people how they don't deserve "entitlements" that they pay for while creating bills which only cut your classes taxes and give your old company 'incentives' in the form of cold, hard cash…which inflates your stock value giving you more money! It's a hypocritical sociopathic asshole's dream life.

    7. new_american

      but of course……if Mitt becomes a president, then you would really start looking for a job.

  2. NorthStarSpanx

    "I never thought of what I do for a living as job creation," said Marc B. Walpow, a former managing partner at Bain who worked closely with Romney for nine years before forming his own firm.

    1. James Michael Curley

      “They’re whitewashing his career now,” said Marc B. Wolpow, a former managing director at Bain Capital who opposes Romney’s White House bid. “We had a scheme where the rich got richer. I did it, and I feel good about it. But I’m not planning to run for office.” http://www.politicususa.com/romney-administration

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Quantum bit flip? You can know his position on an issue or his velocity, but not both. Also, observing him changes the result.

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      I am sure it has to be a physics term.

      Quantum Simultaneous States?
      Spacial Stance Interplexing?

      Edit: Fuck, Jus Wonderin, why can't you read?????

          1. sullivanst

            We could probably at this point engage in a lengthy discussion of hypodescent, matrilineality and "passing", but that'd just be depressing, now, wouldn't it?

      1. miss_grundy

        So, Great Britain, Germany and the Netherlands won the dressage medals. Don't they also have health care??????

    1. sewollef

      Ahem. Great Britain won the prestigious Dressage gold medallion.

      But then the British hoi-polloi love their horsey pursuits.

      1. sullivanst

        Hoi polloi like the Queen's granddaughter?

        OT, but was just interested discovering who she married… used to cheer for "Tinds" down at the Rec… and also both dismayed and amused discovering about his whole "I didn't mislead you when I said I didn't toss that dwarf during the World Cup, because I was too drunk to remember doing it" thing. Wow!

        1. sewollef

          She's nice but no great looker, but Tindall's not exactly Mr Handsome. How many times has he broken his nose I wonder?

          Rugby was my school sport and how I smashed up my right ACL… still giving me gip all these years later.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    "His policies will take America backward — back to the discredited liberalism of a bygone era…"

    Whereas Romney's policies will take us even further back. Ah, the 1890s. I can't wait to get one of those bicycles with the big giant front wheel and the little tiny back wheel, put on my straw boater, and grow a big old handlebar mustache.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      The goal is a nation of serfs and overlords with an militarized police state in between to keep the masses on the outside looking in. That's the Republican Utopia.

  4. docteur_giraud

    On his jaunty English holiday, Mitt noticed how well austerity is working and was more resolved to bring that success here. Either that or one of his double secret Cayman Islands companies is HoboBeans LLC.

  5. actor212

    Et maintenant en compétition dans le dos flop-flip, des Etats-Unis, Mitt Romney

    And now competing in the backflipflop competition, from the United States, Mitt Romney

  6. noodlesalad

    Before this campaign is over, Mitt Romney will have bravely held (and sensibly abandoned) more positions than any other politician before him. Romney/Gumby 2012

  7. jtinks

    "he lacks the core strength and principles the nation needs in a president"

    Read: Romney better start doing some pilates.

  8. weejee

    The more Rmoney keeps flippin' his campaign griddle cakes, the more likely his campaign will get flattened like a pancake. God's anointed prophet, Nate Silver, has Barry's chances of winning at over 70%, up over 5 percent during the past week.

    Go Mittens, go
    Flip Mittens, flop

    1. sullivanst

      ♫♪ Go go
      Go Romney go
      Go
      Go Romney go
      Go
      Go Romney go
      Go
      Go Romney go
      Go
      Romney flip flop ♪♫

  9. gullywompr

    Libs don't understand the concept of states rights at all. Only conservatives understand that special relationship. You're just going to have to trust me on this.

  10. Extemporanus

    It looks like you're losing a campaign.

    Would you like help?

    ○ Get help with losing the campaign
    ○ Just lose the campaign without help

    ◘ Don't show me this tip again

    1. actor212

      Clippy would make an awesome Republican: always interfering where he's not wanted, yet when you need to find some help, he's off playing golf in the Marianas.

      1. Extemporanus

        If one were to diagram Romney's position on any particular policy, it would look exactly like a flimsy cartoon paperclip.

        Tack on some googly eyes and leering eyebrows, and you've got Mitty.

    2. miss_grundy

      Hopefully, the debates will demonstrate how superficial and stupid Mittens truly is. That should help the Dems and the Independents vote for the Pres. The Repubs will be too stupid and never say die. But I hope enough people notice that this guy is just shit for brains.

  11. kittensdontlie

    Mitt, Wake Up!! Clean up your own house first. The biggest private welfare queen is ANNE!! Your Wife! You need to get her off your welfare dole and GET HER A REAL JOB!! And that goes double for that fancy dancin' horse of hers…

    1. MissTaken

      Oh no, Ann isn't a welfare queen. She works every day being a mom, the hardest job in the world. Sure, her children are all grown adults with families of their own, but she is there just in case Tagg gets the sniffles.

      Ann will immediately tell the butler to call the family's personal physician to take good care of those sniffles.

      1. kittensdontlie

        "King Mitt's work is from none to none, and Queen Ann's work is never done…(yes it's literally not done!)."

  12. Goonemeritus

    I heard the ad this morning it hit all the Republican sweet spots.

    1 Dog whistle to the racist crowd (Obama is letting welfare recipients out of working)
    2 Call out to the PUMA crowed. (Obama undid Clinton’s fine work on Welfare reform)
    3 Gridlock is Obama’s fault.

  13. BlueStateLibel

    Since government handouts are bad, I'm assuming that Willard will also shortly be demanding that the banks pay back their own special little government handouts (and don't tell me they "paid them back," that's bullshit). I'm also assuming I'll be waiting a long, long time.

  14. sullivanst

    Yeah, that's the ticket Romney campaign. Tell us those horrible tales of how Obama will take us "backward" to the time of full employment, solid growth and a prospering middle class. Oh, how awful! Who'd want that?

  15. MissTaken

    Yeah, they're bringing back the 90's! Lemme go grab my Birkenstock's and put on my CD of that new Seattle grunge music while I twist my hair up in a scrunchie. Does anyone know where I can find that super-fun flying toaster wallpaper for my Windows 3.1 computer?

      1. James Michael Curley

        Somewhere I have a disc from AOL 'with the new 16 Graphic User Interface.' I could never get rid of it because that's like abortion.

    1. sullivanst

      Meanwhile, on the other side of the pond, it'll be all Oasis vs. Blur while Suede and The Stone Roses produce better music than either but break up in despair at not being able to have anyone pay attention.

        1. sullivanst

          Although you won't mind its absence much, as it'll give you much-needed time to recover from Mel, Ace and the Seventh Doctor.

          1. SorosBot

            Hey now, Ace and the Seventh Doctor were great. The Sixth Doctor and Mel were truly horrible, though.

          2. sullivanst

            Wow, I'd entirely expunged Colin Baker from my memory, but I do still remember how much I disliked Sylvester McCoy. At least Ace didn't scream (I'm sure Bonnie Langford permanently damaged my hearing), but the cool kids at school were already done with saying “ace” before she hit the screen.

  16. rickmaci

    We are all going to wake up one day to a headline that says Twitt Romoney was a Mormon before he became a Catholic before he became a Southern Baptist but he is a Mormon now and has been all along. Not shitting.

  17. mavenmaven

    "discredited liberalism of a bygone era where bigger government programs and bigger government checks were the answer to every problem, and accountability was not on the agenda."
    This doublespeak is as meaningful as their description of Nazis as leftists.

  18. pdiddycornchips

    Jamie Dimon:
    " Mitt, JD here, when you said you would break this "culture of dependency", you were talking about the poors right? "

    Mittens:
    "Of course! Oh, you were thinking I might turn off the free money machine?" "Don't you worry your pretty silver head"

    Mittens and Jamie Dimon in unison: "HAHAHA!!!!"

  19. actor212

    You get the sense that if the Republicans were running a candidate for president of Somalia, they'd still be harping on government regulation…

    1. PubOption

      Other than Obamacare, which is not really a regulation, I have yet to hear of a specific regulation they would like to repeal.

      Katie?

      1. sullivanst

        The regulations arising from Obamacare. Also too, any regulation that has anything to do with extracting planet-killing fuels, plus the CAFE increases. Otherwise, AOTK, of course.

  20. mlle_derp

    Why is this so hard for you folks to understand? Mittens is unwaveringly in favor of waivers, except when he isn't. Sheesh!

  21. pinkocommi

    Remember… If we are not all jobless, homeless, starving people dying of diseases we cannot afford health care for, the communist-socialist-Islamofascists win!

  22. OneYieldRegular

    Travaillez plus pour gagner moins.

    At least that's how this approach was characterized in France when Sarko tried it.

  23. widestanceromance

    Willard is that salesman from hell who is instantly your best friend, promises everything, knows nothing and is eternally blameless. Basically, the guy who shows up at your house and you cannot wait for him to leave. And he does not get your business.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      I'm fairly certain he has gutted more than a few businesses. Oh, wait, you said "get".

  24. SayItWithWookies

    Also bizarre is Romney's contention that working within the boundaries of the law and allowing states the latitude to tailor their own welfare programs is "gutting" welfare reform. Of course this is the same as accusing the Justice Department of wanting to curtail voting rights in Ohio by giving citizens the same opportunity to vote as soldiers have, or whining about how taxes have never been higher when in fact they've never been lower.

    Remember when losing one's grip on reality was thought of as a bad thing? Now it's a requirement for the GOP nomination.

    1. MumbletyPeaches

      Remember when losing one's grip on reality was thought of as a bad thing?

      And all this time I wanted to call it a personality flaw; it was at times so easy to forget these walking disasters are Real and not simulated, entertainment-value props.

      Or as Lewis Black put it when asked his thoughts on the GOP contenders during his Jeopardy! bit: "Republicans have managed to actually find a series of candidates who, uh, really make sense" — *pause* — "as fictional characters."

        1. MumbletyPeaches

          I know it seems obnoxious but something today is compelling me to change my suffix according to what themes are being discussed. Or acc. to what brainfarts I blurt out in response to said discussions~

        2. sullivanst

          So according to TPM, Obama would be reelected if he only won the states he's currently leading by at least 5 points? Nice. Not sure I feel that comfortable about it yet, myself.

          1. emmelemm

            Right… that's assuming that the people polled are actually able to *cast* votes that are "counted" by whatever method their wholly owned Koch subsidiary state governments permit them to use.

            I'll be more comfortable on Nov. 8th.

          2. sullivanst

            Ahh, the unbridled pessimism of a true liberal ;)

            Fortunately, although perhaps not surprisingly, not too many of the mid- and dark-blue states are wholly owned subsidiaries of Koch Industries.

          3. emmelemm

            AW HELL NAW

            You're about to make me double down on my true liberal pessimism. I won't deny it for a second.

            So, yes, the mid and dark blue states are 1) not as likely to be wholly owned Koch subsidiaries but 2) more difficult for the forces to pull off a Romney upset through trickery, since everybody expects those states to go blue. It's only the swing states that matter, where the results are in question, and thus, if they go for Romney it won't be suspicious beyond all reasonable doubt. And many swing states are wholly Koch owned.

          4. sullivanst

            Well, depends how you define swing states.

            I was actually referring to the states which TPM colors dark (Obama +10 or more) or mid (Obama +5 – +10) blue. As of right now, those states alone are enough to seal the election – Mitt can sweep the +5 to -5 states (CO, IA, IN, TN (!!! *), FL, NC, VA and NH), and still lose. It's not very likely he'll sweep all those states, RCP currently has Obama +1.3 in IA, +1.4 in FL, +2.7 in CO, +2.8 in VA and +3 in NH. Meantime, some of the states – MT, GA, SC, AZ, IN – that Romney hasn't yet managed to turn darker than light pink on RCP's map should have Karl Rove in a flop sweat every night.

            * looks like most of the TN polling was done before Mitt sealed the nomination, and is thus non-representative. The only post-primary poll is a more believable Rmoney +7.

  25. coolhandnuke

    "A Cadillac in every welfare queen's garage….no?… Two cadillacs in every car elevator…no?….A welfare queen operating every cadillac car elevator…no?…Cadillac welfare for some, small American flags for others."
    —Mitt Romney

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      You know, we should start using the ter "welfare kings" to describe the old white men who pay no taxes and get government subsidies.

  26. randcoolcatdaddy

    "His policies will take America backward — back to the discredited liberalism of a bygone era where bigger government programs and bigger government checks were the answer to every problem, and accountability was not on the agenda." *

    *Bigger government programs and bigger government checks for corporations, defense contractors, and the Koch Brothers excluded. Some restrictions on individuals with darker skin color may apply. Not valid in all states. If bigger governments persists after taking Republicanism, speak to your doctor about controlling your intake of FoxNews and Rush Limbaugh. But, for God's sake, don't talk to your doctor about abortion or guns.

  27. BTWBFDIMHO

    …"that we are in the midst of a years-long grinding economic recession"…

    Technically, the economic recession ended in 2009, that is, last time we had "2 or more quarters with negative GDP growth". http://www.tradingeconomics.com/united-states/gdp

    But what matters is the labor market, true. I have a phd and it took me four years to get a pinche full-time job.

    1. sullivanst

      Nixon may have told the most brazen lies ("I am not a crook"), but on sheer volume of lies, the determination to keep telling lies that have repeatedly been exposed, and willingness to lie even when the truth would've worked just fine, I'm pretty sure Romney has him soundly beaten.

  28. sullivanst

    The NBER's criteria are actually much more complicated than 2 quarters of GDP shrinkage. They consider employment, industrial production and real income in addition to GDP.

    But even focusing on just the employment situation, the recession ends at the trough, in other words, at the worst of the bad times. The recession does not last until the economy has recovered to pre-recession levels. Clearly the employment situation has been (too slowly) improving for years, so looking only at jobs one is still forced to conclude that the recession ended no later than Q1 2010.

  29. Biff

    Says the motherfucker that gets a bigger tax deduction on his one house in La Jolla CA every year than I take home every year.
    Douche.

  30. ttommyunger

    Jerbs? Speaking of jerbs, where are all those jerbs the Republicans promised to deliver when they were running last time?

  31. IonaTrailer

    OOOOooo – well har-de-har-har! Obama gives Oklahoma drought disaster relief!!

    WELFARE DEPENDENCY!

  32. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "His policies will take America backward — back to the discredited liberalism of a bygone era…"

    Careful there, Mitt-tards — voters are sort of hankering for the days when everything pretty much worked. You know, back when people had jobs, there was no Federal deficit, and the Clinton-era tax rates on bazillionaires somehow left actual job-creators humming along just fine.

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