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There are plenty of jobs available in the hobo bean industryWe know most people don’t watch “the news” anymore, but you might have heard from your friends on the Facebook that we are in the midst of a years-long grinding economic recession, the primary feature of which is persistently high un- and underemployment. Some might argue that this is because companies have learned to make money with fewer employees working more hours and that’s working out really good in the short term for them so why should they do anything different, plus state governments are running out of money and laying off tons of people. But other, smarter people, people working for Mitt Romney, know the truth about our economic downturn: it’s because Barack Obama is just stone cold givin’ out welfare money to “those people,” who otherwise would go out and get some of those hot computer programming jobs. Why did you cause the recession, President Obama, by granting states greater flexibility in the way in which they provide federally funded welfare benefits, four years after the recession started?

Do you remember the ’90s, and how welfare was bad then, so we destroyed it? Mitt Romney does! Here, here is something Newt Gingrich said in 1994, only this is the R-Money 2012 remix:

Making a play for middle-class voters, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney sought Tuesday to elevate welfare reform as a campaign issue, accusing President Barack Obama of encouraging a “culture of dependency.”

“We will end a culture of dependency and restore a culture of good hard work,” Romney said.

Haha, just like Bill Clinto did! But wait, didn’t Bill Clinton dismantle welfare in 1996? Yes, of course he did! But that dastardly liberal Barack Obama is trying to dismantle that dismantlement, by telling the states that they can keep giving people benefits if they aren’t working, if they want to. This is called “waiver authority,” and since Republicans always claim to be in favor of states’ rights, you would think they would like this! In fact, might a … certain Republican governor have requested this very thing, in 2005 or so?

Romney was among several Republican governors who signed a letter in 2005 asking for more “waiver authority.”

Haha, of course he did, why would this even be a question.

Anyway, we guess we should point out that, while it’s always gross to say that people who get subsistence-level government assistance so they and their children don’t starve are lazy bums who should get off the dole and get a minimum wage job at Wal-Mart that can’t actually support them, it was a lot easier to say this in the mid-90s when the economy was ticking along nicely, rather than in, say, the early ’10s, when the defining feature of the economic landscape is that there are not that many fucking jobs to get. But, whatever, obviously everyone’s on welfare because it’s easier than working one of those readily available jobs out there, and that’s why we’re having all these economic problems, and Mitt Romney will save America by firing all these underperforming welfare queens, the end.

Anyway, let’s end this post with a pair of deuling statements from the two campaigns that nicely exemplify the stilted, content-free language that we’ll be treated to over the next ninetysomething days until it’s all blessedly over. First up, Obama campaign spokesperson Lis Smith:

Romney is once again flip flopping on a position he took in Massachusetts, and demonstrating that he lacks the core strength and principles the nation needs in a president.

Oooh, how do you respond, Romney policy director Lanhee Chen?

His policies will take America backward — back to the discredited liberalism of a bygone era where bigger government programs and bigger government checks were the answer to every problem, and accountability was not on the agenda.

Dear presidential campaigns: If you’re looking to reduce headcount and increase efficiency, we’re pretty sure both of these people could be replaced by a Microsoft Word macro. [AP]

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