great moments in punditry

World’s Greatest Operative Dick Morris Says Magical Poll Numbers Show Mitt Not Losing

nom nom nomThis is interesting! Dick Morris, professional toe-sucker, says His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney should not sweat the poll numbers showing him down 10 or a thousand nationally, forever, because he has seen the real poll numbers, done by an outfit he trusts (Rasmussen, probably), and they show a trend for his Mittness!

On Friday, I saw the real numbers. These state-by-state polls, taken by an organization I trust (after forty years of polling) show the real story. The tally is based on more than 600 likely voter interviews in each swing state within the past eight days.”

“The trend line is distinctly pro-Romney. Of the thirteen states studied, he improved or Obama slipped in nine states while the reverse happened in only four. To read the media, one would think that Romney had a terrible month. In fact, the exact reverse is true.”

But where are these real poll numbers? Are they from Harry Reid’s double secret source? Are they with the yellowcake in Niger?

real killers

No. They are with the real killers.


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  1. grex1949

    I have consulted my magic 8-ball and the answer was "Not Likely". I'm going with that. Sorry, Mitt.

    1. sullivanst

      Magic 8-ball's record is significantly more accurate than Dick "always wrong, all the time" Morris'.

    1. LetUsBray

      Owing to a case of the runs, I've released a couple of sets of Toe-suck's poll numbers in the last hour.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Andrew Brietbart is not dead. He lives on in the chocolate smeared visage of every child who tells you with a straigh face that it was the family dog that pushed the stool up to the refrigerator, opened up the freezer and ate all the ice cream.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Either that or they're locked away in one of the safety deposit boxes in a bank in Switzerland.

  2. DrunkIrishman

    Dick Morris should go choke on a toenail. His absurd analyst can be summed up by his '08 prediction:

    As Obama has oscillated, moving somewhat above or somewhat below 50 percent in all the October polls, his election likely hangs in the balance . . . Likely a disproportionate number of the undecideds will vote for McCain.

    But don’t write Obama off. His candidacy strikes such enthusiasm among young and minority voters that there is still a chance that a massive turnout will deliver the race to the Democrats.

    Yes, folks, don't write Obama off just yet! He may, though I'm not betting on it, possibly beat McCain!

    Leave it to FOX to employ such a disgraced, hooker-lovin', fat faced piece of shit like Morris.

      1. LetUsBray

        The United Association of Disgraced, Hooker-Lovin', Fat Faced Pieces of Shit says, "Whoa, whoa, don't lump us in with that loser…"

      2. PuckStopsHere

        per Gorillionaire: Leave it to FOX to employ such a disgraced, hooker-lovin', fat faced piece of shit like Morris.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Don't write Obama off just yet, there's still a slight chance that he'll beat McCain by a 365 to 173 electoral vote margin (and nearly ten million votes in the popular count).

      1. LetUsBray

        Somewhere (was it Democratic Underground? Seems a bit clever for there), he was known for a while as the Dick of Death, although during his pulseless stretch Dick the Undead seemed a lot more apt.

  3. zumpie

    No snark here, this could actually be true…but

    A) the four swinging the Prez's way probably include Florida and Ohio, so still, game over, Mittens.

    B) 13 swing states???? So do they consider Idaho and Alaska to be swing states, then?

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Probably Colorado, Florida, Michigan, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Wisconsin and maybe Iowa. Don't know about the 13th…

      1. BerkeleyBear

        CNN lists all those, plus New Mexico, Arizona and Indiana as leaners or true toss ups. Add that to the lack of discussion of things like magnitude and the reliance on small sample size polls of "likely voters" and you have a recipe for crap.

      2. sewollef

        …. Don't know about the 13th…"

        Well, that's New York, obvs. Biggest swing state of them all. Right, Mitt?

  4. DaSandman

    Dick mouth suctioned the REAL numbers off some particularly attractive pollsters piggies.

  5. Maman

    Let's add Dick Morris to the other clever Romney advisors, like the ones that keep telling him that Americans fear the Soviet Union and don't care about Mitten's tax returns

  6. sullivanst

    I seem to recall having heard something similar from this Morris guy in the last election. How'd that work out again?

  7. Callyson

    These state-by-state polls, taken by an organization I trust

    So far today, we've seen that Mittens has a dramatic plan that he won't name and Toe-sucker has a polling organization with Rmoney ahead that he won't name. I fully expect the next story to be about how the VP has been selected, but will not be named on this fall ballot…

    1. sullivanst

      Note Morris didn't actually say Romney was ahead, merely that he was trending the right way in an unnamed subset of swing states. Note also that Morris feels comfortable calling a comparison between a total of two snapshots a "trend".

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Not OK. Telling tasteless Poll jokes is so politically incorrect. And Morris knows that these are, literally, tasteless.

  8. anniegetyerfun

    Is that the image of the young woman that Dick Morris raped and murdered in the 1990s?

    Oh, that wasn't Dick Morris? Has he denied it, though?

  9. Beowoof

    An old adage of us CPA's is: figures don't lie, but liars figure. Dick is a champion liar and douchebag so his numbers are suspect.

  10. MissTaken

    On Friday, I saw the real numbers.

    On Friday, this little piggy went to the market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef. This little piggy had none. And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way to a swing state to pull poll numbers out of his ass.

  11. timbo71351

    Even Fox News has to be embarrased by this hunk of shit. He's wrong 95% of the time about politics. Therubes that watch the channel should have noticed by now that so many of his predictions don't come true.

      1. timbo71351

        Dick Morris is the only person in America who is more wrong than Bill Kristol. Shit, Morris wrote a billion columns on how Hillary Clinton wouldn't get elected to the Senate, then he wrote a book that the 2008 Presidential race would come down to her and Condi Rice

    1. An_Outhouse

      Their viewers like what he says, that's all that matters. Oh yeah, thanks again, Bill Clinton.

      1. Ducksworthy

        Yeah. I can forgive him for Monica. I mean who'd turn down an office blowjob. But forgiveness for bring this toejam sucking muther onto the national stage will not be forthcoming.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Are you kidding? These are people who still pay attention to Jim Cramer. I've heard rumors that some of them even voted for Dumbya in 2004!

  12. dyedwool

    Of course, Dick Morris' REAL poll numbers are probably about as REAL as Dick Cheney's fabricated and felonious fucking WMDs. Won't stop him fapping while fantasizing about them, though.

  13. Callyson

    Oh, and for people who aren't concerned with making snarky comments using a Facebook account, Toe-sucker's website takes comments:

    ETA: OK, which one of you is responsible for this gem?

    Poor little Dick. That's the best you can come up with to push back against Obama's obvious lead? And you claim that Forbes-owned RCP is also lying by showing Obama heading for an electoral landslide, by citing some nameless source? At least Harry Reid fed into an existing narrative with his nameless claims. You can't even do that.
    Go back to sucking toes, you fat douche.

    Whoever you are, you get the gold…

    1. montreal_bruin

      Can I get an honorable mention for getting Joe the Plumber the Anna Lingus endorsement?

      1. Callyson

        I just checked and saw them–scroll down toward the bottom.I see the same comments I saw this morning, which tells me how much traffic the toe sucker's site gets…

  14. SayItWithWookies

    This reminds of 2008, when Karl Rove told an NPR host that while the host had numbers, Karl had the numbers, and those told him McCain and Palin would win it. Thems was some numbers.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          And oh, how I enjoyed watching him having to choke on Pennsylvania going comfortably for Obama in 08. He knew, live on air, that he had shit the bed. I was hoping he'd be banished even by Fox when that debacle went down. But like all good pathological political critters, he just shook it off and suckered billionaires out of millions in secret donations for Crossroads.

  15. Gorillionaire

    Dick is right. After I saw pictures of Willard buying hardware stuff, I knew it was over.

  16. AlterNewt

    What the fuck numbers do the rest of us have, then? God damn it! I've got work to do and it involves numbers ALL THE TIME!

    1. Ducksworthy

      What is the word for this kind of misdirection? It's propaganda and, if sincere, a product of doublethink…..Oh I remember. It's called lying.

  17. Angry_Marmot

    Did Shrimper Dick have the shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried, deep fried, stir fried, pineapple, lemon, coconut, pepper, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp in potatoes, shrimp burger, or shrimp sandwich?
    Scratch that last one, he can't afford the sandwich anymore.

  18. Come here a minute

    If I told you where the numbers came from, I'd have to kill you, and I'm too much of a goddamn pussy.

  19. spends2much

    Assuming this were true, can you imagine the brain power of someone who watched Mittens' performance over the last month, and said to him or herself, Yes, this is the man I want in the White House! ??

    1. deanbooth

      Remember, they voted for Palin.*

      * A wise Wonketeer once told me to think about this whenever I talk to a conservative. It's like imagining them in their magic underwear.

    2. NellCote71

      I heard a conservative commentator say on a Sunday talk show that a candidate's foreign policy (and behavior on foreign soil) accounted for less than one percent of the vote. Funny, how four years ago–and eight years ago–they were all "we are the only ones with international terroir experience," and "we are the only ones who can jump all over battleships in parachute thongs."

    3. Isyaignert

      Unfortunately, I can do more than imagine – I'm related to fidiots who support Mittens. Woe is me!!

  20. Rotundo_

    Fox News Consultant is enough of a tell that this is bullshit, the name Dick Morris fairly screams it.

  21. zumpie

    Oh also, Dick says the media's "trying to create a sense of inevitability". Huh??? The media knows full fucking well that if they call it now, no one will watch their stupid pantomime/puppet show. the media works really, really hard to make things seem closer than they really are.

    1. sullivanst

      Just because it's nowhere even remotely close to anything vaguely approximating the truth, doesn't mean it doesn't feed in neatly to the propaganda Fox has been disseminating for years, or that it doesn't help Romney to be reinforcing said propaganda.

      Remember, a huge swathe of the American population lives their lives in perpetual pant-shitting terror that a vast conspiracy is out to get them, personally, in more ways than they can possibly imagine, and they have some really fevered imaginations. Meanwhile, a vast conspiracy has been, for decades, extremely effective at leveraging that fear and converting into careers and vast personal wealth.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      the media's "trying to create a sense of inevitability"

      He's right. The NY Times not only predicts a sunrise tomorrow, they're giving the exact time. If they say it often enough, I bet people will think it's true.

  22. not that Dewey

    As long as Dick Morris uses the same poll numbers that Mark Penn used, we're all gonna be fine.

  23. TribecaMike

    Rasmussen is really showing his true colors in this election, and they're a shade lighter than anti-flash white.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      If he didn't think that this was terrible, I can't wait to see what happens when the campaign REALLY implodes.

      1. TribecaMike

        Mitt Romney drinks your pink gun! Well, he would if the Elders let him, but you know he wants to.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Its not who votes that counts, its who counts the votes. I can't remember, did Diebold "deliver Ohio" for McCain?

  24. TribecaMike

    Tonight on the BBC News America broadcast, an American pollster was interviewed (and taken seriously) about a focus group his company did with 12 – count 'em 12 — people. "It was representative," he said. "We had an African-American, and a … it was a real cross section."

    [I made up those last six words because after his mention of 12 people I drifted off to thoughts of how underrated The Youngblood's 1969 Elephant Mountain album is and how strange that it was produced by Charlie Daniels, who's such an a-hole, but he also played rhythm guitar on Dylan's Blonde On Blonde, which in my opinion is second only to the Chuck Berry compilation The Great Twenty-Eight as the greatest rock 'n roll album, so he couldn't have been all bad back in the day, and then I thought about what it would be like to share a slice of pizza with Claudia Cardinale, though she's Tunisian not Italian but she lives in Italy, I think. Anyway, you get the idea.]

  25. rickmaci

    Can't understand a word this clown says. Always sounds like he has a hoe toe in his mouth

    1. TribecaMike

      Fantastic. And Dominican Republic and Trinidad and Tobago took the silver and bronze, respectively.

        1. Callyson

          Ah, except I knew what his race was…but that's OK, turns out I did not get home enough to see the event live anyway. And yes, it is pretty cool for his country.But yeah, it's been annoying that I can't go to *any* news site without spoilers right on the home page–I've got no idea WTF is going on in the world, other than what Wonkette tells me.Which might be a good thing…

  26. YouBetcha

    His voice is such a libido killer. Every time he talks I feel like I will never have sex again.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      It is an astoundingly terrible voice. I mean, I cringe when I hear my own voice on voicemail, but how does this fucker sleep at night?

  27. Tundra Grifter

    When political pundits start talking about "the internals," it's code for "My gut tells me were going to get shellacked.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Yep – nothing like the "I've got super secret bought and paid for polling showing me slightly better off than dead" to signal desperation.

      1. zumpie

        Heh. In our special congressional election, the unqualified, job fabricator, Mormon Puggie with family $$$ (his wife's in this case) ran against an experienced Dem, He wet his pants because a week or so before the election his own poll showed him down by just 4 points, instead of the double digits the real polls did.

        Election was called for the Dem literally 3 minutes after the polls closed.

  28. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Mittens is pulling in more money than Obama. In the Republican mind $$$= Win!!!111!

  29. bobbert

    Jesus H Piaffing Christ, talk about pulling it out of your ass. I don't even care who the fucking pollster is (guessing it's not Republicomussan, because those numbers would likely become public).

    1. 13 "swing" states is one more than any other analysis I've seen.

    2. Of the "swing" states, almost all of them currently "lean Obama". Fluctuations don't really matter much until they get into the "tossup" range.

    3. Speaking of fluctuations, while 600 is a respectable sample, it still has an error margin of what, about plus-minus 3%? I'm speaking very loosely about statistics here, but my point is this: unless the alleged "improvements" or "slips" exceed the relevant probable errors, they are statistically meaningless. Of course, we have no way to judge this, because we don't have the "real numbers".

    4. As a consequence of propositions 1-3 above, Dick Morris is an irredeemable piece of shit. QEMFD.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      You forgot the key tell that it is a pile of shit. Namely, that it was a sample of "likely voters" without any disclosure on sample breakdown. Which is Rasmussen speak for double counting conservatives since the GOP is paying it to produce a propaganda piece rather than actual intelligence.

  30. Ducksworthy

    Say. Now I get it. Nom-Nom-Nom..dirty toes. The picture of legs lying on the ground right above O.J.'s picture confused me.

  31. rocktonsam

    Thats why he is on FOX NEWZ.. Opposite world, where they laugh at how stupid and gullible their viewers are.

  32. Beowoof

    There are many: Constant Pain in the Ass, Cleaning Pressing and Alterations, and my personal favorite, Cheap People's Association.

  33. PubOption

    Poll questions
    1. Do you consider 'Obamacare' to be either an evil,socialist, anti-religious, government take-over of health care, or do you consider it a sell-out to insurance companies?

    2. Do you, therefore, think that Obama has failed to deliver a meaningful solution to the health-care problem?

    3. Based on your answers to the previous two questions, are you less likely to support Obama in this election than in the previous one?

  34. DemonicRage

    The lamestream media polls are all wrong and Morris is right. Anyone can see that Romney is running the greatest campaign since the German corporal took over all those European countries, like feeble dominoes falling. Start saving up for a dressage horse, because, come fall, this will be the must-have pet to take to work with you on the subway.

  35. Negropolis

    Can I just say that I like your creativity in choosing pictures for Dick Morris posts in particular?

  36. Negropolis

    Truth be told, Obama had this thing in the bad months ago. Anything can happen, but to pull out any time since, say, Romney clinching the nomination that he's ever been in the lead in a real way is fucking insane. Republican pollsters have tried for months to make this into a horse race but even their most partisan pollsters couldn't ever get Romney up more than a few points over the president, bless their hearts.

    This is true even on a state level. Republicans tried so hard to fix the polls here in June to make it look like my state (Michigan) is a legitimate swing state and had to be slapped back down to reality. Can you believe that they were trying to put Willard "Let Detroit Go Bankrupt" Romney as a legitimate challenger in Michigan?!

  37. DahBoner

    It's The Trend, people!!!

    By the year 2135, there will be enough Mormons in the world to elect Mitt Emperor of China!

    True fact!

  38. Thunderclees

    Of the thirteen states studied, he improved or Obama slipped in nine states while the reverse happened in only four.

    Since every state has the same number of electoral votes, I think we all have enough facts to jump to the conclusion that Mitt Romney will crush Barack Obama and hire a private contractor to ship him back to Kenya.

  39. ttommyunger

    I'm withholding judgement until I hear from Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann (take your pick).

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