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a penguin inspecting the defense departmentThe thing about the deficit is that it will cause the end of the world and is an existential threat to freedom, which is why it is so important to deny entitlements to Poors and Olds. Tax increases for rich people and cuts to the Department of Defense, however — that’s different, THAT’s the kind of deficit that doesn’t matter. See, the deficit can magically tell if the debt is coming from helping Poors, Olds, children, and science (which is the bad kind of debt) or from a bloated military-industrial complex (which is the good kind). Why are we even having to explain this to you at all? Because the Republicans who agreed to a debt deal (to be put off into the Future, which is Now) would like to rewrite it so that the half of the automatic spending cuts that they care about (i.e. high class escorts for all military contractors) miraculously do not go into effect. Because Barack Obama refuses to compromise, obviously.

One year after Congress approved a controversial plan to extend the nation’s debt ceiling, Republicans are stepping up their campaign to repeal a major part of the law. They’re worried about a part of the measure called “sequester,” a requirement that spending for some federal government programs be slashed starting in 2013 once a “supercommittee” of Congress failed to compromise on $1 trillion in deficit reductions last fall. The law requires that more than $100 billion be sequestered — or automatically cut — in January.

GOP officeholders and candidates, however, aren’t worried about all the automatic reductions. They’re concerned that more than $50 billion in cuts will come from the Defense Department, saying that will threaten national security and tens of thousands of defense-related private-sector jobs. They’re pushing to rewrite that part of the law.

The rest of the cuts that would deprive 700,000 young children of nutrition assistance, 100,000 kids of Head Start, and the 25,000 teachers and aides of their jobs — well, we have to make Sacrifices, you guys. And by “we” we mean you, specifically, unless you work for a defense contractor or the highest echelons of the federal government, in which case you’re in good shape.

Remember, being a Republican means never having to live up to your end of the bargain, because compromising is for losers.


  • Maman

    Screw the GOP. They should have to live by their word, like they expect the rest of us to.

    • HogeyeGrex

      You're funny.

      • Serolf_Divad

        "Ha ha" funny, or "infant malnutrition" funny?

        • PubOption

          Ha Ha (the spike-filled, branch-covered ditch, used to end cavalry charges) funny.

  • Gratuitous World

    Do as I say, not as I say?

    • HistoriCat

      Yes, very good. You may still make it as Republican one of these days.

      • zippy_w_pinhead

        the mandatory lobotomy is a tough one though…

  • actor212

    We really didn't mean that part, we just agreed because *HE* had majorities in both Houses of Congress and we couldn't get a deal done.

    Wait… I mean the Senate. And we didn't bother trying.

  • hagajim

    What a bunch of spineless cocksuckers….nuff said.

  • mull_man

    Live by the sword, die by the fucking stab the poors with the sword.

    Words to live by?

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Republicans AREN'T people, too, my friends.

  • CrunchyKnee

    American Jesus approves this message.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Hypocrisy? From Republicans?

    I'm shocked! Shocked, I tell you!

    In other news: Water wet. Fire hot.

    • Whatever

      I believe it is time to clutch my pearls *clutches pears*

      • starfanglednut

        *runs to get smelling salts

        • Negropolis

          *in the meantime I'm bringing in the fainting couch.

    • TootsStansbury

      And Mitt Romney is still a liar; details at 11:00.

  • barto

    I'm quite certain they never imagined it would come to this.

  • Designer_Rants

    Why won't Obama reach across the aisle and work on this in good faith?

    • HogeyeGrex

      Why won't Obama reach across the aisle and slap the living fuck out of them (with votes)?

    • CrunchyKnee

      Oh, he (and the Democrats) will. If by good faith, you mean bend over for the republitards, yes, yes he will.

      • Designer_Rants

        If this is anything like last year's debt ceiling extravaganza, I'll have to restrain myself from driving into a tree* when I hear whatever it is that Eric Cantor did that day on my way home from work.

        *I'm not suicidal, that sort of thing just makes me want to wreak havoc and destruction. I've got airbags.

        • zippy_w_pinhead

          * Tiger Woods, is that you?

          • Designer_Rants

            LOL. I'm not Blasian enough.

        • emmelemm

          "I've got airbags."

          That made me laugh. Thank you, good sir or madam.

          • Designer_Rants

            Sir, last time I checked :)

          • emmelemm

            It pays to check at least once a day, just to make sure nothing's gone horribly wrong "down there".

      • Negropolis

        Not this time. Maybe I'm a fool, but I think they'll stare down the Republicans on this one if only because they don't have any excuse not for knowing that the polls are on their side.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      they were hoping for less reach across and more reach around…

  • ChillBill

    They’re concerned that more than $50 billion in cuts will come from the Defense Department, saying that will threaten national security and tens of thousands of defense-related private-sector jobs. They’re pushing to rewrite that part of the law.

    Blackwater is too big to fail!

  • bikerlaureate

    Last week, three GOP senators — led by 2008 presidential candidate John McCain — traveled along the East Coast urging voters to help them overturn the automatic defense cuts next year.

    The party of superior morals and fiscal responsibility is actually capable of taking back the Senate.

  • LesBontemps

    Wow, who could've predicted that?

  • RadioBowels

    Hey Rethugs, eight level chess is a bitch.

    • MissTaken

      Their playing checkers and just keep yelling "King me!" and calling that chess.

      • emmelemm

        They just upend the board and make all the pieces fly on the floor when they think they're losing.

  • Callyson

    Defense employment creates “a lot of jobs,” agreed U.S. Sen. Roy Blunt, a Missouri Republican

    You know what else creates a lot of jobs? Education, fixing the nation's decaying infrastructure, and funding first responders, just to mention three.


    • sullivanst

      Also too, after the jobs have been created, with the education, infrastructure and first responding stuff, you have a result that enables more job creation. There's not much job creation enabled by turning a wedding party into a smoking crater and scattered limbs.

      • Boojum

        Oh, not true! Think of all the jobs that are vacant, now that the job holders are more finely particulated! Job creation!

        • sullivanst

          Aha, now I see why the GOP loves it so: the jerbs are all created overseas!

    • redarmyzombie


      Oh, wait you said WHAT, not WHO! Nevermind.

    • Tundra Grifter

      The GI Bill certainly helped build the American middle class all through the 1950sand early 1960s. Actually, up until we elected Ronald Reagan President.

      Not to mention it was simply the right thing to do.

    • Negropolis

      Not only that, those jobs are far more sustainable than constant warmongering.

  • mavenmaven

    And apparently the more they take away from the people, the more those people will clamor for their election! They love that tough GOP love!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But isn't the question we all should be asking: Are our Defense Contractors eating Steak Dinners?

  • MLHencken

    Sword of Damocles, meet John Boehner.

  • MissTaken

    Remember when saying you'd do something and then not doing it was considered a personality flaw? I miss those days.

    • sullivanst

      I think that was around the time that it was inconceivable that a compulsive liar would be a viable candidate for President, wasn't it?

    • Negropolis

      It still is if you're a Democrat or liberal. However, IOKIYAR, or whatever in the hell that acronym is.

  • Callyson

    U.S. Rep. Vicky Hartzler, a Republican…paused when asked to explain why stimulus spending doesn’t create jobs while defense spending does.
    “I wasn’t there when they did the stimulus package,” she said. “I’m just supporting our national defense, making sure these jobs aren’t lost.”


    "Fucked if I know, I'm just following the Koch's orders…"

  • johnnyzhivago

    $50 billion is probably the cost of those fancy luxury bathrooms in those new aircraft carriers. The ones the female "sailors" need to powder their noses… They could probably save the whole $50 billion by putting some cheap used urinals in.

    • HogeyeGrex

      They could probably save the whole $50 billion by putting some cheap used urinals in.

      So, just how many Republican Congressmen are you suggesting we put to sea?

      • HistoriCat

        I am not here to state the obvious Katie.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Surely, if the defense of the realm is that important, it can be accomplished with volunteer patriots riding in on their hover-rounds. Government spending just leads to corruption.

    • Boojum

      Yes! Let them have unfettered access to arms and these patriots will defend our freedoms!

      And what's worse is that the above statement could either be snark or a serious comment.

  • weejee

    The Wikipedia sayz sequester is Scottish for bankruptcy. Would seem the Rethug haggis is a good bit short on sheep's pluck, and overly salted. Eat yer gruel fools.

    • Boojum

      I thought it was Scottish for fuck your sister. See what you learn?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I say, fuck 'em. They wanted to play chicken, and Obama should just play them some serious fucking chicken. Let the Bush tax cuts expire, let the Pentagon budget get axed, and let the fucking billionaires piss and moan, as noisily and publicly as possible. The 99% (of voters, suckas!) will love it.

    • orygoon

      They want to play chicken? We have a rotisserie.

  • johnnyzhivago

    Make soldiers buy their own ammunition. I mean give them guns and stuff, but let them buy the bullets. No more wasted ammunition!

    • Tundra Grifter

      In two World Wars the Russian army went into battle with one rifle for every three or so soldiers.

    • Negropolis

      Let's go back to the days of the well-regulated militia, as the Founding Fathers intended, of course. Why do the Republicans hate the Constitution and specifically the actual Second Amendment (and not the thing that they call the Second Amendment)?

      • johnnyzhivago

        Now my head is spinning…  Why would the founders who were anti-regulation want the militia to be regulated at all?

  • mlle_derp

    "I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." —Ronald Reagan

  • Callyson

    Also: a humble edit of the story's headline:


  • CivicHoliday

    Just think of how many new jobs will open up for cannon fodder in future foreign wars if we maintain the defense budget and elect a pro-Israel candidate who will bomb bomb bomb Iran! Who needs food stamps when they can eat army rations with half a jaw and no hands?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Cook? Yes. Eat? Probably not so much.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Gee, if they didn't want the bad (for them) result to happen, they shouldn't have let it happen. I know that would've meant compromising with Democrats, which is the same as sending Jews to Auschwitz, but there ya go.

  • Blunderthing

    Until these "poors" I keep hearing about and these "olds" get it together to become "powerful" they're going to inherit the earth (as Woody Allen said) "Right in the teeth."

  • RadioBowels

    Time for the Föx pundits to blame this on the "establishment" Republicans. Teabaggers would have never agreed to this insult to the Military-Industrial-Socialist Complex and tax hikes for the rich lack of incentives for the job creators.

  • Schmannnity

    Obama must apologize for not compromising in undoing the law created by our failure to compromise.

  • nowave

    Simple: Have the damn military uniforms made in China and have the military consist entirely of successful Olympians; film their adventures with a bombastic Danny Elfman soundtrack and some shitty CGI, movie-video game tie-in, lunch boxes, happy meals, merchandise = goodbye deficit. Penguins are good too.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Fear not!!!!!!!!!
    Superbadass Harry Reid will tell people what other people told him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • sbj1964

    December 22,2012 can't get here soon enough.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. I could kick their asses….all around.

  • rickmaci

    Time to make them gag on their Teabag lies and bullshit. No backing down on this one, no quarter. Nada. Voters have your back on this one Barry.

  • peaceocrap

    "…saying that will threaten national security and tens of thousands of defense-related private-sector jobs."

    But I keep seeing letters to the editor explaining that gummint doesn't create jobs. Surely all those self-made defense contractors will find something else to sell after the cutbacks – they're plucky individualists, after all.

  • emmelemm

    How Soon Is Now?

    • gullywompr

      "Sweetness, I was only joking"
      ~ GOP officeholders

    • Respitetini

      Corporations are human, and they need to be loved – just like everybody else does.

  • deanbooth

    Back in 2011, Obama got off Air Force One clutching the sequester bill in his hand: "I believe this is deficit reduction in our time," he said, smiling.

    Luckily, he seems to have wised up a bit since then.

  • TootsStansbury

    Murka? We need to talk. Now let me start by saying it isn't you, it's me…

  • BarackMyWorld

    According to conservative pundits and the Republican Congressional leadership, public sector jobs aren't "real jobs", but they still include them when talking about job losses, for some reason.

    Why do you think that is? My guess is they don't want anyone to notice their policies are what's wrecking the economy right now, but I could be wrong.

  • CromulentLogin

    I find myself conflicted. Republicans are acting like the loathsome duplicitous sacks of shit they always are. OTOH, I work on the F135 engine program and I'd rather not be poor and homeless.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    No take backs! NO TAKE BACKS!

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    I wish sequester mean staying in Washington, D.C. at a roach motel, eating Chinese food takeout and no visit from lobbyist/special interest groups until both sides can work together and find a practical solution to the nation real problems.

  • MinAgain

    If I had a nickel for every time the Republicans turned out to be two-faced bastards, I'd be part of the 1%.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Defense spending is a great way to funnel tax money from New York and California commies into nice Republican districts of Texas and Georgia. Cut that gravy train and suddenly a lot of Republican governors and local officials need to balance local budgets by raising taxes or reducing services. That could get fun.

    • emmelemm

      Ugh. That's pretty much the most accurate reading of the situation.

    • Negropolis

      All your (Souther military) bases are belong to us!

  • bobbert

    In some ways, this is really "it". I imagine a good many of these fuckers were figuring all along that after the Stupor Committee failed, they'd just magic the defense part of the sequester out of existence.

    But it does require enacting a law, so they are hanging their collective hat on ousting Bamz, because if he gets re-elected, exactly what motivation would he have not to veto any cheesy, dishonorable, one-sided-agreement-breaking de-sequestration bill?

    This election really will be a referendum on how stupid the American electorate is.

    • Boojum

      Oh God, please don't say that!

    • HistoriCat

      This election really will be a referendum on how stupid the American electorate is.

      Oh shit.

    • Negropolis

      When you put it like that, I'm simultaneously exicted and horrified.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Break the deal, face the wheel mothertruckers

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Dear Lord, this is a horrible scenario! They might have to do something drastic like take work from private contractors and give it back to Federal employees, at approximately half the cost.

  • Negropolis

    America, we are so close. Do. Not. Blow. This. When you vote, this fall, tell the Kock brothers to go blow an elephant.

  • TribecaMike

    Yup, these 'publicans sure are good with money, yes siree Bob.

  • DahBoner

    This sounds an awful lot like Socialism.

    The Free Market dictates everyone should have their own private army.

    Why, I got three guys with one pant leg rolled up in mine….

  • BeefHardcake

    You all can't see it, but this right here is my shocked face. Because I'm shocked.


  • ttommyunger

    I have it on good authority that Mitch McConnell's health is failing fast. No snark. I wouldn't wish anyone bad luck; but for Mitch, I might make an exception.

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