OH MY GOD  1:03 pm August 6, 2012

Buying ‘Hardware Stuff’: Day One of the Press’ 24-Hour Surveillance of Mitt Romney

by Jim Newell

Just wowIt’s a fresh, hellishly dystopian day for Mitt Romney and Co., collectively referred to as “Boston.” Until now, the press could only cover our fair non-incumbent at scheduled events or when summoned to transcribe amateurish spin. Starting today, a small herd of nosey scribes known as the “protective press pool” will follow Romney wherever he goes, always, until the end of time, but probably just until November. What is a day in the life of a Mitt like? We’ll never know. But we do now have some sense of what a pretend day in the life of a Mitt is like. He does simple-folk things, like run errands to the grocery and hardware stores. His advisers surely gave him a thorough briefing on what one is supposed to do at these retail institutions, because he nailed it: At the hardware store, for example, he exchanged United States legal tender for market goods and services he described as “hardware stuff” — just as he was told to do, and in the terse lingo of the proletariat.

Hopefully the pool reports will all stay this hilarious, and we can have one sure-thing post each day until the election. First, to the village merchant of hard-wares, shortly after sunrise:

Gov. Romney arrived at Bradley’s Hardware in downtown Wolfeboro, N.H., at 8:45 a.m., after a short drive down Main Street.

Romney was wearing a casual salmon checkered button-down shirt, his sleeves rolled up his forearm. He wore jeans and black New Balance shoes. As he walked into the store, he was carrying what appeared to be a shopping list. He said hello to a local woman, “Hi, there, how are you doing?” When your pool asked her if she planned to vote for Romney, she said, “Of course.”

Romney is inside the store shopping and your pool is holding on the street outside.

The pool coverage of Mitt Romney’s Typical, Unspectacular Day Doing Errands continued at the cookery’s supply market, and then the dispensary of medicines:

Gov. Romney left Bradley’s Hardware at 8:54 a.m. with a beige bucket of goods. Asked what he bought, Romney told your pooler, “Hardware stuff.” Then, he said, “Going to the grocery store now,” and climbed into his Suburban.

At 8:57 a.m., Romney arrived at Hunters Shop ‘n Save, a nearby grocery store. Before entering the store, he stopped to get two ears of “native sweet corn” from an outside display. They were on sale for two for $1.00.

When your pool asked if he was cooking tonight, Romney said, “Absolutely.” At that, Romney grabbed a shopping cart and went inside the store. Your pool remained outside in the parking lot.

At 9:09 a.m., Romney exited the store with a shopping cart full of groceries. He loaded up the trunk of the Suburban himself, without help of agents. He had 12-packs of Caffeine Free Diet Coke and Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi, as well as a 24-pack of Poland Spring bottled water. He also had two plastic bags of groceries. Your pooler spotted Greek yogurt.

When your pool asked whether he was cooking tonight, Romney said, “I’ll make my own dinner. That’s not exactly cooking.”

Romney said, “I’ve got some folks coming over today.” When one reporter asked if they were Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty, Romney laughed, “Ha, ha, ha, ha,” but did not answer.

At 9:11 a.m., Romney walked across the parking lot to Rite Aid pharmacy. Your pool stayed outside. At 9:16 a.m., Romney emerged from the store with a plastic bag of goods. He held his iPhone with his left hand up to his ear, but then had a conversation with one lady whose car was blocked in by his motorcade.

“I’m sorry for blocking you in there. I don’t know about these guys,” Romney told her, motioning at the Secret Service agents.

“It’s because you’re a very special person,” she told Romney, giving him a thumbs up.

“Have a nice day,” he said.

Romney arrived back at his residence at 9:22 a.m. and your pool is holding.

At what unspectacular destinations will he perform unspectacular tasks this afternoon? Perhaps a clothery, a haberdasher, some other bullshit…

[HuffPo]

 
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{ 194 comments }

SorosBot August 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm

But was he surprised by the workings of the mysterious bar code scanning machine, like Bush Sr.?

larrykat August 6, 2012 at 1:38 pm

12 minutes from arrival at the grocery store until exiting with a cart full of groceries?? I call bullshit and pre-shopped merchandise. Probably had his valet go down there and pick it all out before hand.

not that Dewey August 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm

He is amazed by 'touchtone keypads'

HateMachine August 6, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Probably, but Mittens had the wherewithal to have the pool wait for him outside.

ChernobylSoup August 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm

"…then I bought a 13 guage at the firearms emporium, for varmints."

GunToting[Redacted] August 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I think he also purchased an 8MM Glick for personal protection.

rickmaci August 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Couldn't find any round magazines.

Billmatic August 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm

This one just says "I bought supplies, 2005."

Come here a minute August 6, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Wife's in London. Will Mitt have to figure out how to work the washing machine?

kittensdontlie August 6, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Being a master of the domestic arts, Mitt is pretty sure that is an auxillary dish washer.

chicken_thief August 6, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Then why would he need to buy condoms at the Rite Aid? I mean, I'm not suggesting that Mitt is fucking around on Ann or anything. But it would be irresponsible to not ask the question.

coolhandnuke August 6, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Did he strap the groceries to the roof of his car?

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm

That's just for dogs- they LIKE it up there!

ChernobylSoup August 6, 2012 at 1:09 pm

There was an awkward moment when he asked the only black member of the press pool to __________.

ShreditorsDesk August 6, 2012 at 1:18 pm

"…speak only when you are spoken to!"

horsedreamer_1 August 6, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Molotov Libel!!!

freakishlywrong August 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm

"Kiss my ass, show some respect, shove it!"

Baconzgood August 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm

"Sorry", taking the grocery bags that he just gave the man "I thought you were the delivery boy."

Hedley_Lamarr August 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm

"GET BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE!"

larrykat August 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

tell him what their best score on the uneven bars was.

chicken_thief August 6, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I was going to guess "shine his shoes", but they weren't at the airport, were they?

HistoriCat August 6, 2012 at 2:40 pm

"put two coats of wax on the car!"

imissopus August 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

…not join the LDS Church.

horsedreamer_1 August 6, 2012 at 7:21 pm

So, the reporter wasn't Brazilian?

Goonemeritus August 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm

I’m trying to think of a synonym for special.

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Republican?

ChernobylSoup August 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Palinesque?

kittensdontlie August 6, 2012 at 1:59 pm

What is that ingredient that makes ChickFilA sauce so 'special'…?

natoslug August 6, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Flaming asshole?

bikerlaureate August 6, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Well-constructed?

(Articulated?)

Baconzgood August 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm

“It’s because you’re a very special person,”

That's a really nice way to put it. Very PC nice PC woman.

JustPixelz August 6, 2012 at 2:02 pm

maybe she used the r-word, but Jim can't repeat that on this blog.

eggsacklywright August 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Next stop is the chemist, to purchase some ethics.

slithytoves August 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm

No discount liquor stores, no coffee shops. What kind of awful life is that?

GunToting[Redacted] August 6, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I don't think I've ever met a casual salmon.

Boojum August 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Salmon are some intense motherfuckers, I mean INTENSE, do NOT fuck with the pink fish!!!

Isyaignert August 6, 2012 at 5:05 pm

LOL – I spewed my tea!

horsedreamer_1 August 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Clearly, you aren't reading the right PlentyOfFish profiles.

Sue4466 August 6, 2012 at 1:11 pm

He spent 9 minutes in the hardware store, 11 minutes buying a cartful of groceries,and 5 minutes at the Rite Aid? I call bullshit.

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Dude's efficient. Gets stuff done. Decisive. No flipflopping.

Generation[redacted] August 6, 2012 at 1:40 pm

And that's how quick and efficient his war with Iran will be, too.

bikerlaureate August 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Like the Iraq conquest?
Not if he consults Rumsfeld, Rice, Darth, Turdblossom, etc.

GunToting[Redacted] August 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

You'd be quick in those stores too if you just grabbed random shit off the shelves.

larrykat August 6, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Oops didn't see your post- yes indeed, more fake than Brisdull Palin's reality show.

Sue4466 August 6, 2012 at 2:20 pm

hmmm, super-human speed on the commenting, goes by larry*kat*, Mittens, is that you?

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Mitt's just a regular guy at the regular hardware store buyin' regular hardware stuff.

(Snicker, snicker.)

Harrison Wintergreen August 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

In the electrical supplies aisle, when asked if he needed a 220-volt plug, he sagely responded "Sure, yeah, 220, 221, whatever it takes."

apologies to Mr. Mom.

Gleem McShineys August 6, 2012 at 3:41 pm

That question has an entirely different meaning to an android.

Boojum August 6, 2012 at 1:11 pm

"When one reporter asked if they were Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty, Romney laughed, “Ha, ha, ha, ha,” but did not answer."

And that is exactly the way he evinced laughter: "Ha, ha, ha, ha," with the right number of "ha's", which is four, indicating moderate levels of amused discomfort.

CthuNHu August 6, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I guarantee that for any reporters who have covered Romney, this was their absolute favorite part of this story, and they knew exactly how Mittens looked and sounded at that very moment.

Kudos to brave and patient pool reporter Phil Rucker. A nation turns its grateful eyes to you.

Note: "…moderate levels of amused discomfort" is incorrect. "…an attempt to convey a moderate level of amusement while actually feeling moderate levels of discomfort and contempt" is more accurate.

Sue4466 August 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Bought Coke AND Pepsi. Proving he's on every side of the important issues of our day.

Oblios_Cap August 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

What!?! No RC Colas and Moon Pies?

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Do they sell those in Boston?

Preferred Customer August 6, 2012 at 1:38 pm

RC Cola? That's like the American Motors of the soft drink industry.

"Screw you, Dad! You think you're so big! You can't control me! I'm buying Coke *and* Pepsi! And a Ford! And a couple of Cadillacs! And I'll be president one day, too!

bikerlaureate August 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Also, it seems his hydration sensors liked the water when he was in Poland.

MiniMencken August 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Pix of him laundering his Garment or GTFO.

Designer_Rants August 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I hope he didn't start eating metal objects in the hardware store like those robots in "Batteries Not Included", cuz, awkwaaard! if he did.

TootsStansbury August 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I had to stifle a guffaw.

annettaj August 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I didn't stifle mine.
Gu-effing-faw!

SexySmurf August 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Just when you think Mittens can't get any more boring…

mookwrthwilson August 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Diet Cherry Pepsi can't be for him or his family…it has caffeine…must be for his boyfriend…or maybe one of his horses…

Nostrildamus August 6, 2012 at 1:18 pm

… but I repeat myself …

freakishlywrong August 6, 2012 at 1:14 pm

He's SO one of us! (actually, I run my fucking errands on the weekend or in the middle of the night, due to my "job")

ManchuCandidate August 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Yeah, who besides the unemployed or unproductive do errands on a MONDAY MORNING??!?

Generation[redacted] August 6, 2012 at 1:42 pm

As an unemployed father, he's demonstrating the hardship he has to suffer due to the Obama economy.

MumbletyPesade August 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

You crack me up. I *just* finished zipping around town during "lunch break" which I routinely substitute with errand running. The time it took me to find my choice coffee bean hipster joint was a.) filled to overflowed parking, and b.) auxiliary coffee stand vacant "WE'RE CLOSED", was all the time I could afford away from my desk — in which same interval, Rmoney could've helped himself to a few extra leveraged buyouts for his mid-day snack.

slithytoves August 6, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Right – and that's when every store is so crowded because we're in the same boat, and you waste half your day in lines or trying to find someone to help you, and then you get home and have to go to work again.

Blueb4sinrise August 6, 2012 at 1:14 pm

THIS IS DRAMATIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rehearsal:
…….
"Then you put stuff in the cart and push it to the checkout."

"You gotta be kidding!"

"No, really."

Baconzgood August 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm

If I had 100 million and people following me and reporting about all the little errands I do in a day I'd totally fuck with them. Buy every Hustler in the store, an enema, and then ask "how much for your women, I want to buy the little girl and your wife" in my Jake Blues voice.

Designer_Rants August 6, 2012 at 1:24 pm

When the cashier gives you the stinkeye for buying all the Hustlers and enemas, the appropriate response would be; "Big weekend comin' up."

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 6, 2012 at 1:33 pm

One time I went to the hardware store and bought a shovel. I picked up duct tape and extra large garbage bags just for fun.

Isyaignert August 6, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Kewl.

horsedreamer_1 August 6, 2012 at 10:35 pm

"I didn't say I want a lot of sheisse porn. I said I want all the sheisse porn you have".

mookwrthwilson August 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Did he buy some oil to grease up his inner workings???

Designer_Rants August 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I think he's mostly solid state now. The steampunk version of Mittbot patina-ed into a greenish brown, and that did not fly in the Red States.

SorosBot August 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I'd be very surprised if either Mitt or Ann knew how to cook; they have people to do that for them.

SheriffRoscoe August 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Romney is a loser. I hope to be rich enough one day to pay somebody to do my shopping for me and DON'T HATE ME FOR BEING SUCCESSFUL.

Trannysurprise August 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm

He probably wondered if the wad of $100 bills he shoved at the cashier would indeed be enough to purchase the food type products.

SexySmurf August 6, 2012 at 1:16 pm

“It’s because you’re a very special person,” she told Romney, giving him a thumbs up.

I'm guessing she actually held up a different finger.

Oblios_Cap August 6, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I'm still trying to wrap my head around what the biege bucket of goods he got in the hardware store could possibly be. i've never come out of a "hard-wares store" with a bucket of anything.

GunToting[Redacted] August 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

He probably purchased a bucket of roofing tar, along with some washers and a cold chisel.

Schmannnity August 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Did he get a new hard drive with the hardware stuff?

edgydrifter August 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Who the fuck only buys two ears of corn? I don't care if you're a confirmed bachelor–you see a good deal on sweet corn, you buy yourself at least a dozen. Gluttony is American, Mitt. That's a fact.

Angry_Marmot August 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I asked the same question. On the bright side, for once we'll know what kind of shit is coming out of him the day before it happens.

Biff August 6, 2012 at 6:13 pm

True. You eat corn, you shit corn.

Designer_Rants August 6, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Some of his best friends own corn farming corporations.

hagajim August 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Mittens bought "hardware stuff" because he doesn't have a clue what he bought – but he can read hardware….thus hardware stuff. My lord, is this what "news" reporting has come to? I am ashamed that I were ever part of the media.

grex1949 August 6, 2012 at 6:18 pm

It was prolly a new set of washers for the kitchen faucet and one of those grinders to re-face the valve and cure that dripping faucet Anne has been complaining about. You know, surprise the "old lady" when she returns from showing her horse at the Olympics, just like we all do, when our wife is at the Olympics showing her horse in the dressage competition. She'll be so happy when she drives up in her couple of Cadillacs and finds that kitchen faucet repaired! What a great country we live in!

SayItWithWookies August 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

When my parents first encountered a microwave, they were trying to cook some hot dogs and put them in for what they figured was a reasonable amount of time — fifteen minutes or thereabouts. I kind of imagine Mitt cooking for himself will produce about the same results as the scorched, exploded meat that resulted.

Oblios_Cap August 6, 2012 at 1:18 pm

great story!

Ducksworthy August 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I think you'll see similar results when Willard starts to cook the U.S. treasury's books.

Isyaignert August 6, 2012 at 5:10 pm

At least they didn't try to dry the cat in the microwave.

coolhandnuke August 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I sense the L.L Bean costume he's sporting, to hide in plain sight, rejected its' host.

ShreditorsDesk August 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Did his SUV have it's own driver?

Baconzgood August 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"Toggle bolts are people too my friend"

Nostrildamus August 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm

This is like "The Beverly Hillbillies" in reverse.

ShreditorsDesk August 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Kinda gives 'Green Acres' a whole new meaning.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Green Acres was more based in reality then Mittens.

bumfug August 6, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Mitt was quick to point out, "When you're successful like I am you're always buying things and when you buy things they charge sales tax. I told you I pay a lot of taxes and there's your proof. Now shut up about my taxes."

DustBowlBlues August 6, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I've actually wondered if his claim to have paid taxes is based on paying sales and property taxes. I heard this AM he made a sweet $100,000 on the taxes on one of his estates by hiring a lawyer and appealing. Like they couldn't pay the bill. What complete douches. He is the least public spirited candidate for president since Calvin Coolidge. When he dies I hope someone goes all Dorothy Parker on his ass.

Isyaignert August 6, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I agree with your supposition about Rmoney's taxes. He never said he paid a lot of "income" tax just taxes.

Bonus points for the excellent Dorothy Parker reference!!

Joey_Blau August 6, 2012 at 1:20 pm

what a miserable soul sapping existance… to be following Willard around.

"When your pool asked if he was cooking tonight, Romney said, “Absolutely.” . . . .

When your pool asked whether he was cooking tonight, Romney said, “I’ll make my own dinner. That’s not exactly cooking"

about 10 minutes later… wow.

outragedcitizen August 7, 2012 at 2:20 pm

To be fair, each time, his software sensed that was the correct response. So, blame the nerds that write his code.

mull_man August 6, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Romney's Hardware "Stuff"
1. Qrt shellac for hair
2. 1 doz eneloop LSD AA batteries for servo controlled facial motors
3. 3 cans WD40 for joints
4. 2 stainless steel hex head bolts,1/2-20×2" for neck
5. 1 box of 100 nitrile gloves for fudge packing

GunToting[Redacted] August 6, 2012 at 1:36 pm

He also purchased a box of galvanized nails "just for snacking."

Isyaignert August 6, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Gawd, I love you Wonketeers!!

SoBeach August 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm

He's just a regular guy, doin' regular stuff. Just like me.

Why, just this morning I told the household staff to take a break while I scrubbed out some dirty toilets and mowed the lawn. We rich aren't so different…

fartknocker August 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

The trip to the hardware store was to ensure no accidental leaks of his tax returns.

TheGyrus August 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Shouldn't a potential future president have more important things to do with his time than putz around a strip mall?

Fukui-sanYesOta August 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Romney later saw a crooked physician. The pool questioned him afterwards

pool: "What did you score?"

Romney: "shitloads of Oxy. Bitch is making me cook tonight so I need to be mellow"

A spectator made some pretty serious moves on Romney after hearing the news, but he seemed immune. "He's got to be gay" said the spectator after her gambit failed.

It's unknown whether Romney prefers the Oxy or the Vikes he scored yesterday. When asked to comment, Romney's press aide simply said "Fuck you".

SmutBoffin August 6, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Later on, at the adult novelties superstore, Romney browsed the glass selection.

"I'm looking for, like, a party bowl with a long-ish stem. Can I see that blue one with the dragon?"

He was last seen disappearing behind the curtain leading into the dildo aisle.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

On hearing that Romney had purchased the anus version of the fleshlight, pool reporters were rushing to report the quote from Willard's campaign strategist: "I'll kill your family and everyone you love"

Further comment was unavailable.

outragedcitizen August 7, 2012 at 2:28 pm

The full comment was, "Fuck you! This is sacred ground!"

CrunchyKnee August 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm

And to think, MIttens is hedging his entire campaign on "at least I an not a negro!"

kittensdontlie August 6, 2012 at 1:48 pm

The pool neglected to mention the white face foundation– Maybelline's 'Unadulterated Snow'– that he bought at Rite-Aid.

RadioBowels August 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Next stop, H&R Block.

DahBoner August 6, 2012 at 2:29 pm

WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Why don't he go to the liquor store and check cashing place like real US Amerricuns? Followed by a delicious, non gay, hunk of chicken and a trip to the casino!

Goonemeritus August 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

My favorite shopping story is G.H Bush the day of the election with Clinton bought a fishing pole as if to say I guess I’m going to have some free time on my hands.

Callyson August 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

No, because they're the same bar code scanning machines that start Mittens up every morning.

bikerlaureate August 6, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Seems like a natural function enhancement for Mitt's own optical sensors.

BarackMyWorld August 6, 2012 at 1:27 pm

And somewhere Gary Hart's all "Oh! So THAT'S how you do it…"

ChernobylSoup August 6, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Nice!

mwittier August 6, 2012 at 1:27 pm

While in the hardware store, he should've bought a new bulb. His is rather dim.

Ducksworthy August 6, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I think I know now where he gets his Jeans. And is bottled water really hardware stuff, or is that some kind of poison?

metamarcisf August 6, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Mitt Romney consumes mass quantities.

Biff August 6, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Mep! MEP!!

larrykat August 6, 2012 at 1:28 pm

"Gov. Romney arrived at Bradley’s Hardware in downtown Wolfeboro, N.H…." Whereupon he promptly remarked to the owner that he had "heard some distressing things" about their gate hinges and thought maybe that didn't bode well for the success of opening and closing gates. Romney then wrote a short prayer and tried to stuff it into the display of PVC piping.

johnnyzhivago August 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

In addition to being a tax cheat, he's also an all around cheap skate.

Jus_Wonderin August 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Pandering to people who nail things and eat???????????

SmutBoffin August 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Ron Jeremy?

walterhwhite August 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

But wait! The Wild Cheery Diet Pepsi has caffeine. Has the pool reported this to the 12 ancient men who run the Mormon church?

Blueb4sinrise August 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

It's for the pool reporters to help them stay awake.

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Hello? It's for the butler.

HistoriCat August 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Have they no store brand sodas?!?

horsedreamer_1 August 6, 2012 at 10:37 pm

I still miss Adria Cola, the local Coke competitor from my time in Romania.

BaldarTFlagass August 6, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Then after he got home, he got on the phone and bought one of the remaining manufacturing companies in this country, gutted the employee's pension fund, moved the jobs to China, fired all the employees, and then sold the company for a sweet 200% profit.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 6, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I can see Mitt in a hardware store staring long and hard at a toilet plunger wondering what it's used for.

GeorgiaBurning August 6, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Fixing the Republican party?

larrykat August 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm

.. when suddenly it comes back to him: Oh yes! It was that funny-looking tool from the janitor's closet that we used on that long-haired hippie back in '65!

thedeathofirony August 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Of course he went to tax-free NH to shop instead of 'Taxachusetts'.

Fucking asshole

annettaj August 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Mittens: "Now do I get to take this wheeled metal thingy home with me or do I
give it to that patriotic multi-clothed American sitting in the alley?"

And oh yeah—What fresh hell will come of this?

TootsStansbury August 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm

This crap is supposed to be believable? Bwaahaahaa!

SheriffRoscoe August 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

He hit a brief snag in the screwdriver aisle. His shopping list said to get a Phillips but all they had were ones that said "Stanley." (This comment is not the least bit autobiographical.)

RadioBowels August 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

He could go to Wal-Mart and get some more flip-flops and other "Made in China" stuff.

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Real Americans don't lean away from their shopping carts.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 6, 2012 at 1:39 pm

You know the whole time he just kept thinking to himself "Boy, this was easier when I would just hire some illegal Mexicans to do it for me."

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 6, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Question 1. Why did he go to NH?

Question 2. What is NH sales tax rate vs. MA?

HistoriCat August 6, 2012 at 2:54 pm
BigSkullF*ckingDog August 6, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I'm SHOCKED! Shocked I tell you!

imissopus August 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm

They have a house in NH, so maybe that's where he is staying right now.

Biff August 6, 2012 at 6:25 pm

You call that a "house?<a>" Ha,ha,ha,ha.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Quit being a Mittens apologizer! I looked at a googlemaps and it is a short drive to the sales tax havin state of Maine from there! Monster! He's a tax dodging MONSTER!

johnnymeatworth August 6, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Are they planning to barbecue Rafalca?

BlueStateLibel August 6, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I can just imagine him going into these stores and just randomly picking shit up and throwing it in his cart, having no idea what it is and what it's used for. I bet there's some random Cover Girl makeup, a box of Fruit Loops and a 32-bit drill thrown in with that lot.

bikerlaureate August 6, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Froot Loops? Don't tell the brave practitioner of flaming civil disobedience –

Oh, wait, that's a Kellogg's product. Carry on.

deanbooth August 6, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Greek yogurt

Is that another name for Santorum?

DemonicRage August 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm

This is proof positive again that he is the Republican version of John Kerry. The press followed Kerry around on a 'natural' day shopping and he pointedly bought a jockstrap. I'm not making this up!

Limeylizzie August 6, 2012 at 1:52 pm

"casual salmon checkered button-down shirt", does he know that that sounds very gay and very non-blue collar, also sounds as if it would look foul on him.

GeorgiaBurning August 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I've never been to NH, but Banana Republic dress-down seems a bit preppy for a hardware store.

Biff August 6, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I thought Ann was the one who wore fishy shirts?

not that Dewey August 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm

His application layer is confused by what his physical layer is doing.

Chet Kincaid_ August 6, 2012 at 2:02 pm

"Whachu shoppin' for, Mitt?"
"Oh, you know, hardware and stuff…"

Dildeaux August 6, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Well, that settles it. Mitt is a normal guy. He now has my vote. That was easy.

Chet Kincaid_ August 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Proletariat Drag.

fuflans August 6, 2012 at 4:58 pm

you will never get the 'p's' you deserve for that comment this far down on the thread

Nesnora August 6, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Ridiculous puppetry.

Chet Kincaid_ August 6, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Later this evening, he'll try to start up his propane grill with matches and lighter fluid.

thewarmingsun August 6, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Can you imagine what the rehearsals for this were like?

"Goddammit, Mitt. No! You give the cashier money. She doesn't give you money!"

DahBoner August 6, 2012 at 2:28 pm

How dare Those People actually cover what a Republican actually says and does!!!

Don't they know they're only supposed to cover fake events like clearing brush or riding a horse on a ranch in Santa Barbara????

GeorgiaBurning August 6, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Somebody still doesn't get it. He needs to show up in a flannel shirt, paint spattered old jeans and a day's beard growth, and come out of the store with a couple paint brushes, a can of spackle and a gallon of turpentine. Plus a Slim-Jim from the display by the cash register.

barto August 6, 2012 at 2:46 pm

What a plebe! Just the kind of guy I'd love to have a Caffeine-Free Diet Cherry Coke with.

BZ1 August 6, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Resorting back to his last visit to the outside, then he fired all the employees at the store …

OneYieldRegular August 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

"Romney was wearing a casual salmon checkered button-down shirt."

I'm surprised he didn't wear a wife-beater, you know, like the commoners.

BeefHardcake August 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm

The scene paints itself: Mitt walks into the grocery store, approaches the first person he finds and says, "Hello, Earth person! I would like to purchase some of this human food supply product, please."

Then he peels off his fake epidermis to reveal that he is, in fact, Ultron in disguise.

imissopus August 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Just reading that pool report has sapped my will to live.

DustBowlBlues August 6, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Notice that the Pepsi isn't caffeine free? When the Brigham Young Capitalist wing of the C of JC of LDS invested in Pepsi stock, the caffeine in Pepsi became not harmful to your body. I'm supposing the president of the "church" wandered into the Utah desert for about the same amount of time that Mittens spent in the hardware store, buying hardware stuff, had a talk with God's own stockbroker, who said that it was a good buy and consuming shit that's bad for your personal temple of God is okay, as long as it's a good investment.

Biff August 6, 2012 at 6:30 pm

They don't seem to mind receiving their cut of the Marriott porn profits, either.

An_Outhouse August 6, 2012 at 4:27 pm

This time of the year you can get a dozen ears of corn for two dollars. Over paying by that much is not a good attribute for the leader of the free world.

Isyaignert August 6, 2012 at 5:17 pm

I thought the same thing.

An_Outhouse August 6, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Romney spent 12 minutes in the grocery store. That's a lot of shit to buy in in 12 minutes. Maybe he called ahead and they had everything waiting for him.

owhatever August 6, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Next, I'm headed over to a private massage emporium where college girls are working to earn money for their degrees in biochemistry. Then I will go home and cook up a lettuce and watch some gay porn, I mean the Olympics.

fuflans August 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm

remember when walnuts knocked over the applesauce aisle?
http://wonkette.com/401443/john-mccain-bombs-groc

i miss 2008.

MissTaken August 6, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Oh shit, that was fun! Gawd I love elections

Biff August 6, 2012 at 5:59 pm

I'm not gonna read all the comments to see if anyone else says this, but I'ma say this is a man that has never been sent to the store for tampons. Ever.

TribecaMike August 6, 2012 at 7:18 pm

I'm sure he didn't pick up any Moxie at the grocery store. For one thing, his faith doesn't allow it (24 mg of caffeine per 12-ounce bottle), and secondly he's a fecking wimp.

horsedreamer_1 August 6, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Cue: Crawford 2 — The Brush-clearenning.

TribecaMike August 6, 2012 at 7:36 pm

I can see the reporters reporting oh-so-seriously over Mitt clearing the Silky Sassafras from his estate(s). Or at the least supervising a crew of wetbacks.

mrivers459 August 6, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Will he be going to Kinko's tomorrow to make thousands of pages of copies of his tax returns to give to that filthy liar, Harry Reid, shut him up ?

DocChaos August 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm

So Romney managed to hit 3 separate stores in 31 minutes, buying several items at each venue? I guess if they have the shit waiting at the counter for you, and the line cleared so there is no waiting, that's possible.

Warpde August 6, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Well I heard from an inside source at Bain that Mitt's hardware shops always consist of:
Ball-peen Hammer
Duct tape
Industrial gloves
6' of Nylon rope
Hacksaw
10 pac heavy duty Glad garbage bags and
Bleach

dennis1943 August 7, 2012 at 5:17 am

Mitts day can easily be described as "in the script"…………..

Thunderclees August 7, 2012 at 9:29 am

I’ve got some folks coming over today.

And yet you only bought two ears of corn?

WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING!?!

ttommyunger August 7, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Geez, I wish I would bump into him at a store and have him ask me if I planned to vote for him; I could use a good laugh.

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