Burning Desire

What Are Humble Followers Of Jesus Burning To The Ground Today?

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A portly neckbearded gentleman with a pink shirt and a blowtorch sets fire to a box of Honey Nut Cheerios to show General Mills that he does not care for its gay-friendly policies. It does not go quite as brilliantly as he planned, thanks to wind and highly flammable sugar. But what else has been set on fire lately? Well, what hasn’t?

We are going to assume that the mosque that was burned to the ground in Joplin, Missouri, this morning was also just a fun protest prank gone awry, and not at all deliberate arson as was ruled on the mosque’s previous fire, just five weeks ago. Because everybody knows terrorists only come in Muslim-flavored, which is why Michelle Malkin et al. lost their shit when the Department of Homeland Security put out its report on homegrown terror doods.

We would like to recommend that Christian lulzmongers seek a source of inspiration other than 4chan. “KILL IT WITH FIRE” is not going to win them any friends.
[Youtube/JoplinGlobe]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    OKLAHOMA! Why does Jeebus hate Jim Inhofe?

    • AncienReggie

      Same reason I do?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I was hoping for a happy ending with that dude setting himself on fire.

    • Terry

      I love the scent of scorching demin in the morning. It smells like victory.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      This guy probably needed to start small scale, like lighting his own farts.

      • sullivanst

        A blowtorch is always the best way to light farts. Pass it on.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          And liberals HATE blowtorches to light farts because global warming. Too.

    • JustPixelz

      We did get a preview of his future life in the fires of Hell.

  • FNMA

    Did he say "Blessed are the firestarters"?

  • Come here a minute

    The best part is at the end, when his co-conspirator starts laughing at him.

  • coolhandnuke

    Cereal murderer!

    • Antispandex

      Cheerios lible?

      • glasspusher

        Capn' Crunch- dead! Toucan Sam- missing! Sounds like another cereal killer, alright!

  • Gorillionaire

    That's gotta be Zack Galifinakis, right?

  • veritass

    That guy is gay. No doubt about it.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    • emmelemm

      The irony of a pink shirt is not lost on us.

    • succalina

      Oh hell yes he is. He and Marcus "burn cereal" all night long….

      • Esteev

        That's hot.

    • new_pic_for_NEWTer

      Pink shirt, manboobs plus neckbeard must appeal to some subset of the ho – mo – sexuals, but the blinkered pig ignorance is offputting whether straight or ghey.

    • stopthemovie

      O hes a flamer allright.

  • Callyson

    It doesn't occur to this guy that if he is deliberately going to set something on fire, it might be a good idea to have a fire extinguisher, or at least a bottle of water, with him?

    Moran.

    • mlle_derp

      Oh, c'mon… Blowtorch + blowhard. What could possibly go wrong?

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      or at least stand upwind…

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    More evidence the Raisin Bran Sun God is the One True God.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Christ is King Vitamin's better.

    • SorosBot

      Blasphemy! Bow before the Baby-Faced Sun God from Teletubbies or He will smite you!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I'm a member of al-Kashigolean.

  • viennawoods13

    The pink shirt is my favorite touch.

    • OneYieldRegular

      It was already flaming before he started the fire.

  • the_problem_child

    Thanks to this guy, I now know how to get my next campfire going.

    • rickmaci

      No shit. That stuff was burning better than those fire starter sticks they sell at the hardware.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I always kind of liked the Flamin' Ohs. The musical kind not the burnt ones.

    • mlle_derp

      And after you eat them, you get Flaming Lips?

  • SorosBot

    How can you call burning down a mosque terrorism? Next you'll claim a white supremacist gunning down six people at a Sikh temple because he thought they were Muslim is a terrorist.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Now now, we don't know he thought they were Muslim. He might just have hated Sikhs.

      • sullivanst

        You know who else hates Sikhs?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          The Punjab?

        • zippy_w_pinhead

          the Hides?

        • TheMightyHaltor

          Indira Gandhi?

  • Antispandex

    I believe all of the forest fires this season show that the conservatives are not pleased with forests and their gay friendly practices as well…or, God hates trees, whatever.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Well, Jesus DID get really pissed at that one fig tree.

      • MosesInvests

        JEEZUS HATES FIGS!

        • Antispandex

          Well…*hate* is a strong word, but you know, G.H.W. Bush really didn't like broccoli, and he said he just didn't, you know, prefer it. And also it could be a more of a texture than a taste thing….what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, I don't like figs either.

  • decay500

    uhmmm, dude with Marcus B syndrome?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    That's a pink salmon shirt.

    • Oblios_Cap

      coral

  • PuckStopsHere

    This is simply not the way one makes a bowl of cereal.

    • glasspusher

      "Part of this complete breakfast"

    • mlle_derp

      Probably asked Mitt for his recipe.

    • Baconzgood

      This is simply the WIN of this thread.

      You sir made me laugh for 5 min.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Does Jesus live on Mars? I ask you. Wingnuts should all pilgrimmage there and burn the hell out of Mars.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Hey Wingnuts, I hear the Acme Dynamite Co. donates millions to Pro gay causes. Aren't you MAD about that?

  • pinkocommi

    Hey, homophobe! You can eat all the Chick-a-fila you want. But Cheerios, Go-gurt and Toaster Streudels are ours in all their butt-secks-loving glory.

    (You think he realizes that someone had to BUY that box of Cheerios he then burnt?)

    • Jus_Wonderin

      He probably justifies a "five finger discount" for the cause!!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Geez. Christians are pretty much stuck eating only chicken gobs now, aren't they? So much for a balanced diet!

    • chicken_thief

      Like they give a shit about calories, cholesterol, etc. The fatter the better, to show the gubmint that they ain't no quitters. Or some fucked up logic like that.

    • emmelemm

      Pink slime for all!

  • nounverb911

    Needs more Birmingham AL style fire hoses.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So Honey Nut Cheerios is officially a gay ceral? Why? Because of the tight holes?

    • bikerlaureate

      All three words in the name have disgusting connotations, if you're paranoid enough about the gheys.

    • An_Outhouse

      I thought it was because of the delicious nutty flavor.

  • chicken_thief

    What an epic fail. Whoever the cameraman was must hate Mr. Pink Shirt as much as we do, otherwise he would have just recorded a "Burning the Cereal – Take Two" over the fucked up, but hilarious original.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Works for me. I used to be a chronic fapper till the 'Holy Christ!' lap-fire of 2010 reduced me to 'heavy user'.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You know Fifi, too????

  • Billmatic

    Yet it's a Crime Against Free Speech if libs want to stop eating at that fried chicken sandwich shop.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Nice guys, abandoning their hate-filled and fire-singed friend there to be picked up by the thought police…

  • mavenmaven

    dude with a pink shirt and lisp gives new meaning to "flaming".

    • JustPixelz

      He's so flaming coulda started that fire without the torch. [rimshot!]

  • Jus_Wonderin

    What does the "5000 Moms" have to say about this?

  • Nostrildamus

    From the YouTube comments:

    I like my´╗┐ gays like I like my Cheerios… FLAMING!

  • TribecaMike

    Emmett Kelly look-alikes are just naturally cursed.
    http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/thedailymirror/im

  • bumfug

    Well hell, that "blood of the Lamb" shit wasn't working so…

  • CrunchyKnee

    That made me shoot Quisp milk outta my nose.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Hey! Where did it go? I wanna squirt milk outta my nose too, dammit!

      • ChernobylSoup

        Sorry about that. I moved the comment to Gratuitous World's thread up above. It fit nicely there.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Looks like the tubby motherfucker's been gorging on Chik-Fil-A already. And Mom's gonna be really pissed when he brings her favorite bowl home, all scorched 'n shit.

  • coolhandnuke

    Wait until the whackadoodles hear the Cheetos gave money to the Obama campaign.
    That's when the dust will really hit the fan.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Makes me teary-eyed for the good old days of the Watts riots and such when people actually were starting fires and rioting and vandaling and stuff because they were pissed about something worth being pissed off about.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This all makes sense, as I believe Jesus' favorite saying was "Burn, baby, burn!"

    • emmelemm

      Disco Inferno!

      • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Jesus always dominated on the dance floor. I believe that was in James 12:Studio 57.

        • Nostrildamus

          He was also a regular guest star on "Studio 54, Where Are You?"

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Blessed are the pyros, for they shall inherit the scorched earth

    • Oblios_Cap

      Being an Oldz, I remember having to read that book back in High School.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    Maybe we can convince this guy to launch his next protest against BP.

  • Beowoof

    Chik-fil-A with none of the cholesterol lowering benefits of Cheerios seems to be rather an obtuse means of making your point.

  • Dildeaux

    I see an articulate man with a big belly wearing a pink shirt. Why am I thinking of Lindsey Graham?

  • sullivanst

    Self-immolation or GTFO.

    • glasspusher

      Fuckin' amateurs…

      • sullivanst

        I know, right? I mean, they're getting like totally out-fundied by brown people.

  • glasspusher

    This makes me want to start an explosives factory that supports same sex marriage!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyPesade

    Making a statement with honey-nut as a designated preference was way more classy when that roguish shotgun artist in crack-infested Baltimore did it.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    1. By his logic, odds are, my kids are gay?

    2. He showed them.

    3. He's not going to be happy when the socialist First Responders ticket him for being a threat to society.

  • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

    Whatcha settin' fire to?

    Nut'n Honey!

    • emmelemm

      Are you allowed to sprinkle your own posts with extra snark like that?

    • kittensdontlie

      Is it any wonder that generally-milled foodstuff causes some serious heartburn…

  • bikerlaureate

    What product will they buy (and destroy) next, before running away like selfish, entitled morans?

  • glasspusher

    There's a guy who's so repressed he's ashamed to show someone his Cheery O face.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Are those Burns-Os?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Toastie-O's!

      • glasspusher

        More like COs and CO2s when it's all over!

        • sullivanst

          Yeah, arson does often lead to one becoming uncomfortably familiar with COs.

    • doloras

      Sorry, pops, they don't name cereals after nobodies.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    He should do a protest of American Airlines as they have partner benefits. Then I bet Napolitano would take notice.

  • metamarcisf

    Rumor: Romney's VEEP to be Hurricane Ernesto – locking up the Latino vote.

    • glasspusher

      I'm sorry, only questions on farming.

  • fawkedifiknow

    And a "Pip, pip cheerio" to you, too. Twat.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    which one of you did this?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      The proper form is, "Alright, which one of you fuckers is Portly Neckbeard?!"

  • Baconzgood

    Ahhhhhh. General Mills doesn't care if you eat 'em, set 'em on fire, or ground them up in a food processor and load 'em in a rubber with milk-freeze 'em, then use the frozen dildo to fuck yourself in the ass. All General Mills cares about is if you buy 'em. You bought a box and that's fine with them.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Remind me not to have breakfast at your house.

    • Gleem McShineys

      This maybe explains what that filthy rabbit always wanted Trix for.

    • TribecaMike

      The boxes are more nutritious than the contents.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    yeah. no. not linking on anything with 'michele malkin' in the sentence.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Thank you Dok, this is best.

  • Baconzgood

    Hey Carl, can you call security? I just think I saw some fat ass hat in a totally gay pink shirt set our sod on fire.

  • http://gorejusgeorge.tumblr.com CheeseBro69

    Is "cheerio" some sort of gay euphemism I don't know about?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    First, a conservatard fakes a pro-gay tantrum in a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru, then libtards fake a dumbass anti-gay cereal burning. Don't these people realize they are eroding youtube's journalistic credibility?!

    • HistoriCat

      Youtube still has more journalistic credibility than CNN.

    • billy_reuben

      This wasn't fake. The guy's name is Michael Leisner, and erratic homophobic tirades with spasms of violence is his "thing". Before becoming internet-famous, he'd get his jollies humiliating himself on Minnesota and Wisconsin college campuses. He's been doing this sort of special brand of monkeyshit for decades. He's a piece of work.

  • An_Outhouse

    It rare to view that quality of performance art outside of a high end gallery.

  • Estproph

    The stupid, it burns!

  • Exhausted66

    He's the last guy I thought you'd find smoking a bowl out in public.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    It's not civil disobedience if it doesn't involve an unplanned conflagration and then a bunch of chickenshits running away yelling "Quick, get in the car!" That's precious.

  • not that Dewey

    Good and sweet
    nice to eat…
    I set myself on fire!

  • barto

    I doubt the truth of his claims given the state of rapid oxidation of his pants.

    • TribecaMike

      Aye, there's the rub.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    totally self-hating closet queen, amirite?

  • Misty Malarky

    Every wingnut in the US of A should show they love Jesus by immediately going to their local Piggly Wiggly and purchasing several cases of Big G cereals. They can burn them at their lesiure in their back yards.

    Then go back and repeat the whole process (particularly the buying of whole cases of General Mills products) until the gay huggers get their lesson.

    That'll learn 'em!

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    can't wait to see the look on that fool's face when someone tells him about Fruit Loops

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Why can't someone burn Bibles?

  • Generation[redacted]

    And for my next trick — protesting the oil companies!

  • James Michael Curley

    Somebody mentioned five fingered discount. Back in college a guy who had a lot less smarts than money got caught trying to shop lift some cereal. Wearing sweats he had gone into the store, opened the box and poured them down his pants.

  • MinAgain

    Someone took that "Light of the World" thing a little too literally.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    just another Fundie cereal killer

  • JustPixelz

    I call bullshit! Pink shirt makes a fool of himself AND puts the video on youtube? Well, in fairness, it was a plan elegant in its simplicity.

  • a_pink_poodle

    "My lawn, man! What the hell! Do I set fire to your lawn?"

  • DahBoner

    Can't start a fire without a spark.

    Too bad he's just farting in The Dark…

  • rickmaci

    What in the name of sweet baby Jeebuz makes somebody think that taking a blow torch to a box of processed breakfast cereal is an act of devotion to God?

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    General Mills, Colonel Sanders and Captain Crunch? OMFG!!!! the military has been taken over by Teh Gays!!

  • ElPinche

    These through-the-roof gaydar readings show that the cherrios aren't the only things that's are flaming.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Lack of fiber- no wonder the Fundies are so full of shit

  • TribecaMike

    As usual, nuns do it better:

    "The U.S. government's only facility for handling, processing and storing weapons-grade uranium was temporarily shut this week after anti-nuclear activists, including an 82-year-old nun, breached security fences, government officials said on Thursday." http://in.reuters.com/article/2012/08/02/usa-secu

    Lazy-arsed fundie Protestants shouldn't even bother.

  • argillic

    This needs to be a TV reality show. Each week 2 teams compete to burn something God hates, and each week one loser goes h… to the hospital in an ambulance.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Ceral Terrorist! Send him to Camp Chocula.

  • lulzmonger

    We would like to recommend that Christian lulzmongers seek a source of inspiration other than 4chan. “KILL IT WITH FIRE” is not going to win them any friends.

    For the record, Lulzmonger is a lifelong atheist who advocates prompt fire suppression of all targets, which should be limited to the headquarters of certain Wall Street firms, & even then only as a last resort.

    Now, if you're talking pre-emptive FALCON PUNCH, on the other hand …

  • billy_reuben

    It took me a minute, but then I realized, "Holy shit! I KNOW that dude!" He used to come to the University of Minnesota in the 90's and harrass students on the campus mall, and he was an AM talk radio host on some now-defunct Christian station that was (in his words) "to the right of Rush Limbaugh ont he dial". His name is Michael Leisner, and he's also a former used car salesman. A quick google search confirms my memory.

    • http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

      Thanks! And according to the comments, he apparently tag-teamed with Brother Jed Smock, so to speak. Wotta doofus.

      • billy_reuben

        Jesus, the campus preaching was a cavalcade of tragic human failure. These guys would hand out Chick tracts and photocopies of excerpts from "the Pink Swastika", I actually have an autographed copy of Brother Jed's "Who Will Rise Up?" Somewhere.

        This isn't Mr. Leisner's first run-in with Johnny Law. Back when he was campus preaching (ca. 1996), he liked to use props to get people's attention. One day he stood out in the campus mall and bulled out a bullwhip, which he started cracking while he shouted obscenities. The campus police told him it was a weapon, and if he didn't get rid of it immediately, he'd be arrested.

        The campus mall preachers elicited all sorts of great guerilla theater. Jugglers putting on a stand-up "blue" routine, strippers, people with portable amps doing guitar solos. It was magical.

        The freakshow menagerie of psychologically dysfunctional preachers was a marvel to be hold in aggregate, but local shitbird Leisner always stood out of the crowd. He was an unreconstructed antisemite, who talked in essentialist singular phrases about the character of "the Jew". He would go on elaborate, spittle-flecked, baroque tirades about Liberace, Rock Hudson, and Lord Byron. He was convinced Jesus had short hair, and that long-haired Jesus was a conspiracy by Medieval French homosexuals. Long story short: for the last 20 years, the dude spend all day long thinking about other dude's penises, which makes him do vaguely violent, dangerous things for attention.

  • ttommyunger

    Proving once and for all, anything can get on the intertoobs for everyone to see, no matter how irrelevant or stupid. In fact, irrelevant and stupid seem to rule nowadays.