Burning Desire

What Are Humble Followers Of Jesus Burning To The Ground Today?

A portly neckbearded gentleman with a pink shirt and a blowtorch sets fire to a box of Honey Nut Cheerios to show General Mills that he does not care for its gay-friendly policies. It does not go quite as brilliantly as he planned, thanks to wind and highly flammable sugar. But what else has been set on fire lately? Well, what hasn’t?

We are going to assume that the mosque that was burned to the ground in Joplin, Missouri, this morning was also just a fun protest prank gone awry, and not at all deliberate arson as was ruled on the mosque’s previous fire, just five weeks ago. Because everybody knows terrorists only come in Muslim-flavored, which is why Michelle Malkin et al. lost their shit when the Department of Homeland Security put out its report on homegrown terror doods.

We would like to recommend that Christian lulzmongers seek a source of inspiration other than 4chan. “KILL IT WITH FIRE” is not going to win them any friends.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. new_pic_for_NEWTer

      Pink shirt, manboobs plus neckbeard must appeal to some subset of the ho – mo – sexuals, but the blinkered pig ignorance is offputting whether straight or ghey.

  1. Callyson

    It doesn't occur to this guy that if he is deliberately going to set something on fire, it might be a good idea to have a fire extinguisher, or at least a bottle of water, with him?


    1. rickmaci

      No shit. That stuff was burning better than those fire starter sticks they sell at the hardware.

  2. SorosBot

    How can you call burning down a mosque terrorism? Next you'll claim a white supremacist gunning down six people at a Sikh temple because he thought they were Muslim is a terrorist.

  3. Antispandex

    I believe all of the forest fires this season show that the conservatives are not pleased with forests and their gay friendly practices as well…or, God hates trees, whatever.

        1. Antispandex

          Well…*hate* is a strong word, but you know, G.H.W. Bush really didn't like broccoli, and he said he just didn't, you know, prefer it. And also it could be a more of a texture than a taste thing….what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, I don't like figs either.

  4. Mittens Howell, III

    Hey Wingnuts, I hear the Acme Dynamite Co. donates millions to Pro gay causes. Aren't you MAD about that?

  5. pinkocommi

    Hey, homophobe! You can eat all the Chick-a-fila you want. But Cheerios, Go-gurt and Toaster Streudels are ours in all their butt-secks-loving glory.

    (You think he realizes that someone had to BUY that box of Cheerios he then burnt?)

  6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Geez. Christians are pretty much stuck eating only chicken gobs now, aren't they? So much for a balanced diet!

    1. chicken_thief

      Like they give a shit about calories, cholesterol, etc. The fatter the better, to show the gubmint that they ain't no quitters. Or some fucked up logic like that.

    1. bikerlaureate

      All three words in the name have disgusting connotations, if you're paranoid enough about the gheys.

  7. chicken_thief

    What an epic fail. Whoever the cameraman was must hate Mr. Pink Shirt as much as we do, otherwise he would have just recorded a "Burning the Cereal – Take Two" over the fucked up, but hilarious original.

  8. Mittens Howell, III

    Works for me. I used to be a chronic fapper till the 'Holy Christ!' lap-fire of 2010 reduced me to 'heavy user'.

  9. Billmatic

    Yet it's a Crime Against Free Speech if libs want to stop eating at that fried chicken sandwich shop.

      1. ChernobylSoup

        Sorry about that. I moved the comment to Gratuitous World's thread up above. It fit nicely there.

  10. YasserArraFeck

    Looks like the tubby motherfucker's been gorging on Chik-Fil-A already. And Mom's gonna be really pissed when he brings her favorite bowl home, all scorched 'n shit.

  11. coolhandnuke

    Wait until the whackadoodles hear the Cheetos gave money to the Obama campaign.
    That's when the dust will really hit the fan.

  12. randcoolcatdaddy

    Makes me teary-eyed for the good old days of the Watts riots and such when people actually were starting fires and rioting and vandaling and stuff because they were pissed about something worth being pissed off about.

  13. Beowoof

    Chik-fil-A with none of the cholesterol lowering benefits of Cheerios seems to be rather an obtuse means of making your point.

  14. Dildeaux

    I see an articulate man with a big belly wearing a pink shirt. Why am I thinking of Lindsey Graham?

  15. NorthStarSpanx

    1. By his logic, odds are, my kids are gay?

    2. He showed them.

    3. He's not going to be happy when the socialist First Responders ticket him for being a threat to society.

  16. bikerlaureate

    What product will they buy (and destroy) next, before running away like selfish, entitled morans?

  17. Jus_Wonderin

    He should do a protest of American Airlines as they have partner benefits. Then I bet Napolitano would take notice.

  18. Baconzgood

    Ahhhhhh. General Mills doesn't care if you eat 'em, set 'em on fire, or ground them up in a food processor and load 'em in a rubber with milk-freeze 'em, then use the frozen dildo to fuck yourself in the ass. All General Mills cares about is if you buy 'em. You bought a box and that's fine with them.

  19. Baconzgood

    Hey Carl, can you call security? I just think I saw some fat ass hat in a totally gay pink shirt set our sod on fire.

  20. Chet Kincaid_

    First, a conservatard fakes a pro-gay tantrum in a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru, then libtards fake a dumbass anti-gay cereal burning. Don't these people realize they are eroding youtube's journalistic credibility?!

    1. billy_reuben

      This wasn't fake. The guy's name is Michael Leisner, and erratic homophobic tirades with spasms of violence is his "thing". Before becoming internet-famous, he'd get his jollies humiliating himself on Minnesota and Wisconsin college campuses. He's been doing this sort of special brand of monkeyshit for decades. He's a piece of work.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    It's not civil disobedience if it doesn't involve an unplanned conflagration and then a bunch of chickenshits running away yelling "Quick, get in the car!" That's precious.

  22. Misty Malarky

    Every wingnut in the US of A should show they love Jesus by immediately going to their local Piggly Wiggly and purchasing several cases of Big G cereals. They can burn them at their lesiure in their back yards.

    Then go back and repeat the whole process (particularly the buying of whole cases of General Mills products) until the gay huggers get their lesson.

    That'll learn 'em!

  23. zippy_w_pinhead

    can't wait to see the look on that fool's face when someone tells him about Fruit Loops

  24. James Michael Curley

    Somebody mentioned five fingered discount. Back in college a guy who had a lot less smarts than money got caught trying to shop lift some cereal. Wearing sweats he had gone into the store, opened the box and poured them down his pants.

  25. JustPixelz

    I call bullshit! Pink shirt makes a fool of himself AND puts the video on youtube? Well, in fairness, it was a plan elegant in its simplicity.

  26. rickmaci

    What in the name of sweet baby Jeebuz makes somebody think that taking a blow torch to a box of processed breakfast cereal is an act of devotion to God?

  27. zippy_w_pinhead

    General Mills, Colonel Sanders and Captain Crunch? OMFG!!!! the military has been taken over by Teh Gays!!

  28. ElPinche

    These through-the-roof gaydar readings show that the cherrios aren't the only things that's are flaming.

  29. TribecaMike

    As usual, nuns do it better:

    "The U.S. government's only facility for handling, processing and storing weapons-grade uranium was temporarily shut this week after anti-nuclear activists, including an 82-year-old nun, breached security fences, government officials said on Thursday." http://in.reuters.com/article/2012/08/02/usa-secu

    Lazy-arsed fundie Protestants shouldn't even bother.

  30. argillic

    This needs to be a TV reality show. Each week 2 teams compete to burn something God hates, and each week one loser goes h… to the hospital in an ambulance.

  31. lulzmonger

    We would like to recommend that Christian lulzmongers seek a source of inspiration other than 4chan. “KILL IT WITH FIRE” is not going to win them any friends.

    For the record, Lulzmonger is a lifelong atheist who advocates prompt fire suppression of all targets, which should be limited to the headquarters of certain Wall Street firms, & even then only as a last resort.

    Now, if you're talking pre-emptive FALCON PUNCH, on the other hand …

  32. billy_reuben

    It took me a minute, but then I realized, "Holy shit! I KNOW that dude!" He used to come to the University of Minnesota in the 90's and harrass students on the campus mall, and he was an AM talk radio host on some now-defunct Christian station that was (in his words) "to the right of Rush Limbaugh ont he dial". His name is Michael Leisner, and he's also a former used car salesman. A quick google search confirms my memory.

      1. billy_reuben

        Jesus, the campus preaching was a cavalcade of tragic human failure. These guys would hand out Chick tracts and photocopies of excerpts from "the Pink Swastika", I actually have an autographed copy of Brother Jed's "Who Will Rise Up?" Somewhere.

        This isn't Mr. Leisner's first run-in with Johnny Law. Back when he was campus preaching (ca. 1996), he liked to use props to get people's attention. One day he stood out in the campus mall and bulled out a bullwhip, which he started cracking while he shouted obscenities. The campus police told him it was a weapon, and if he didn't get rid of it immediately, he'd be arrested.

        The campus mall preachers elicited all sorts of great guerilla theater. Jugglers putting on a stand-up "blue" routine, strippers, people with portable amps doing guitar solos. It was magical.

        The freakshow menagerie of psychologically dysfunctional preachers was a marvel to be hold in aggregate, but local shitbird Leisner always stood out of the crowd. He was an unreconstructed antisemite, who talked in essentialist singular phrases about the character of "the Jew". He would go on elaborate, spittle-flecked, baroque tirades about Liberace, Rock Hudson, and Lord Byron. He was convinced Jesus had short hair, and that long-haired Jesus was a conspiracy by Medieval French homosexuals. Long story short: for the last 20 years, the dude spend all day long thinking about other dude's penises, which makes him do vaguely violent, dangerous things for attention.

  33. ttommyunger

    Proving once and for all, anything can get on the intertoobs for everyone to see, no matter how irrelevant or stupid. In fact, irrelevant and stupid seem to rule nowadays.

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