BURNING DESIRE  2:45 pm August 6, 2012

What Are Humble Followers Of Jesus Burning To The Ground Today?

by Doktor Zoom


A portly neckbearded gentleman with a pink shirt and a blowtorch sets fire to a box of Honey Nut Cheerios to show General Mills that he does not care for its gay-friendly policies. It does not go quite as brilliantly as he planned, thanks to wind and highly flammable sugar. But what else has been set on fire lately? Well, what hasn’t?

We are going to assume that the mosque that was burned to the ground in Joplin, Missouri, this morning was also just a fun protest prank gone awry, and not at all deliberate arson as was ruled on the mosque’s previous fire, just five weeks ago. Because everybody knows terrorists only come in Muslim-flavored, which is why Michelle Malkin et al. lost their shit when the Department of Homeland Security put out its report on homegrown terror doods.

We would like to recommend that Christian lulzmongers seek a source of inspiration other than 4chan. “KILL IT WITH FIRE” is not going to win them any friends.
[Youtube/JoplinGlobe]

 

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{ 150 comments }

nounverb911 August 6, 2012 at 2:46 pm

OKLAHOMA! Why does Jeebus hate Jim Inhofe?

AncienReggie August 6, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Same reason I do?

Maman August 6, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I was hoping for a happy ending with that dude setting himself on fire.

Terry August 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I love the scent of scorching demin in the morning. It smells like victory.

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

This guy probably needed to start small scale, like lighting his own farts.

sullivanst August 6, 2012 at 3:29 pm

A blowtorch is always the best way to light farts. Pass it on.

actor212 August 7, 2012 at 9:28 am

And liberals HATE blowtorches to light farts because global warming. Too.

JustPixelz August 6, 2012 at 3:57 pm

We did get a preview of his future life in the fires of Hell.

FNMA August 6, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Did he say "Blessed are the firestarters"?

Come here a minute August 6, 2012 at 2:48 pm

The best part is at the end, when his co-conspirator starts laughing at him.

coolhandnuke August 6, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Cereal murderer!

Antispandex August 6, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Cheerios lible?

glasspusher August 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Capn' Crunch- dead! Toucan Sam- missing! Sounds like another cereal killer, alright!

Gorillionaire August 6, 2012 at 2:50 pm

That's gotta be Zack Galifinakis, right?

veritass August 6, 2012 at 2:50 pm

That guy is gay. No doubt about it.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

emmelemm August 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

The irony of a pink shirt is not lost on us.

succalina August 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Oh hell yes he is. He and Marcus "burn cereal" all night long….

Esteev August 6, 2012 at 4:23 pm

That's hot.

new_pic_for_NEWTer August 6, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Pink shirt, manboobs plus neckbeard must appeal to some subset of the ho – mo – sexuals, but the blinkered pig ignorance is offputting whether straight or ghey.

stopthemovie August 6, 2012 at 8:06 pm

O hes a flamer allright.

Callyson August 6, 2012 at 2:51 pm

It doesn't occur to this guy that if he is deliberately going to set something on fire, it might be a good idea to have a fire extinguisher, or at least a bottle of water, with him?

Moran.

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Oh, c'mon… Blowtorch + blowhard. What could possibly go wrong?

zippy_w_pinhead August 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

or at least stand upwind…

Gratuitous World August 6, 2012 at 2:51 pm

More evidence the Raisin Bran Sun God is the One True God.

ChernobylSoup August 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Christ is King Vitamin's better.

SorosBot August 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Blasphemy! Bow before the Baby-Faced Sun God from Teletubbies or He will smite you!

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I'm a member of al-Kashigolean.

viennawoods13 August 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

The pink shirt is my favorite touch.

OneYieldRegular August 6, 2012 at 3:37 pm

It was already flaming before he started the fire.

the_problem_child August 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Thanks to this guy, I now know how to get my next campfire going.

rickmaci August 6, 2012 at 4:05 pm

No shit. That stuff was burning better than those fire starter sticks they sell at the hardware.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I always kind of liked the Flamin' Ohs. The musical kind not the burnt ones.

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm

And after you eat them, you get Flaming Lips?

SorosBot August 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

How can you call burning down a mosque terrorism? Next you'll claim a white supremacist gunning down six people at a Sikh temple because he thought they were Muslim is a terrorist.

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Now now, we don't know he thought they were Muslim. He might just have hated Sikhs.

sullivanst August 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

You know who else hates Sikhs?

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 3:21 pm

The Punjab?

zippy_w_pinhead August 6, 2012 at 3:55 pm

the Hides?

TheMightyHaltor August 6, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Indira Gandhi?

Antispandex August 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I believe all of the forest fires this season show that the conservatives are not pleased with forests and their gay friendly practices as well…or, God hates trees, whatever.

CommieLibunatic August 6, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Well, Jesus DID get really pissed at that one fig tree.

MosesInvests August 6, 2012 at 3:34 pm

JEEZUS HATES FIGS!

Antispandex August 6, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Well…*hate* is a strong word, but you know, G.H.W. Bush really didn't like broccoli, and he said he just didn't, you know, prefer it. And also it could be a more of a texture than a taste thing….what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, I don't like figs either.

decay500 August 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm

uhmmm, dude with Marcus B syndrome?

BZ1 August 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm

That's a pink salmon shirt.

Oblios_Cap August 6, 2012 at 3:29 pm

coral

PuckStopsHere August 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm

This is simply not the way one makes a bowl of cereal.

glasspusher August 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm

"Part of this complete breakfast"

mlle_derp August 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Probably asked Mitt for his recipe.

Baconzgood August 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm

This is simply the WIN of this thread.

You sir made me laugh for 5 min.

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Does Jesus live on Mars? I ask you. Wingnuts should all pilgrimmage there and burn the hell out of Mars.

Mittens Howell, III August 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Hey Wingnuts, I hear the Acme Dynamite Co. donates millions to Pro gay causes. Aren't you MAD about that?

pinkocommi August 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Hey, homophobe! You can eat all the Chick-a-fila you want. But Cheerios, Go-gurt and Toaster Streudels are ours in all their butt-secks-loving glory.

(You think he realizes that someone had to BUY that box of Cheerios he then burnt?)

Jus_Wonderin August 6, 2012 at 2:58 pm

He probably justifies a "five finger discount" for the cause!!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Geez. Christians are pretty much stuck eating only chicken gobs now, aren't they? So much for a balanced diet!

chicken_thief August 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Like they give a shit about calories, cholesterol, etc. The fatter the better, to show the gubmint that they ain't no quitters. Or some fucked up logic like that.

emmelemm August 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Pink slime for all!

nounverb911 August 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Needs more Birmingham AL style fire hoses.

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 2:54 pm

So Honey Nut Cheerios is officially a gay ceral? Why? Because of the tight holes?

bikerlaureate August 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm

All three words in the name have disgusting connotations, if you're paranoid enough about the gheys.

An_Outhouse August 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I thought it was because of the delicious nutty flavor.

chicken_thief August 6, 2012 at 2:54 pm

What an epic fail. Whoever the cameraman was must hate Mr. Pink Shirt as much as we do, otherwise he would have just recorded a "Burning the Cereal – Take Two" over the fucked up, but hilarious original.

Mittens Howell, III August 6, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Works for me. I used to be a chronic fapper till the 'Holy Christ!' lap-fire of 2010 reduced me to 'heavy user'.

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 2:56 pm

You know Fifi, too????

Billmatic August 6, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Yet it's a Crime Against Free Speech if libs want to stop eating at that fried chicken sandwich shop.

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Nice guys, abandoning their hate-filled and fire-singed friend there to be picked up by the thought police…

mavenmaven August 6, 2012 at 2:57 pm

dude with a pink shirt and lisp gives new meaning to "flaming".

JustPixelz August 6, 2012 at 3:59 pm

He's so flaming coulda started that fire without the torch. [rimshot!]

Jus_Wonderin August 6, 2012 at 2:57 pm

What does the "5000 Moms" have to say about this?

Nostrildamus August 6, 2012 at 2:57 pm

From the YouTube comments:

I like my´╗┐ gays like I like my Cheerios… FLAMING!

TribecaMike August 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Emmett Kelly look-alikes are just naturally cursed.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/thedailymirror/im

bumfug August 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Well hell, that "blood of the Lamb" shit wasn't working so…

CrunchyKnee August 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

That made me shoot Quisp milk outta my nose.

Mittens Howell, III August 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Hey! Where did it go? I wanna squirt milk outta my nose too, dammit!

ChernobylSoup August 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Sorry about that. I moved the comment to Gratuitous World's thread up above. It fit nicely there.

YasserArraFeck August 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Looks like the tubby motherfucker's been gorging on Chik-Fil-A already. And Mom's gonna be really pissed when he brings her favorite bowl home, all scorched 'n shit.

coolhandnuke August 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Wait until the whackadoodles hear the Cheetos gave money to the Obama campaign.
That's when the dust will really hit the fan.

randcoolcatdaddy August 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Makes me teary-eyed for the good old days of the Watts riots and such when people actually were starting fires and rioting and vandaling and stuff because they were pissed about something worth being pissed off about.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

This all makes sense, as I believe Jesus' favorite saying was "Burn, baby, burn!"

emmelemm August 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Disco Inferno!

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 6, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Jesus always dominated on the dance floor. I believe that was in James 12:Studio 57.

Nostrildamus August 6, 2012 at 4:02 pm

He was also a regular guest star on "Studio 54, Where Are You?"

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Blessed are the pyros, for they shall inherit the scorched earth

Oblios_Cap August 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Being an Oldz, I remember having to read that book back in High School.

DonnyKerabotsos August 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Maybe we can convince this guy to launch his next protest against BP.

Beowoof August 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Chik-fil-A with none of the cholesterol lowering benefits of Cheerios seems to be rather an obtuse means of making your point.

Dildeaux August 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I see an articulate man with a big belly wearing a pink shirt. Why am I thinking of Lindsey Graham?

sullivanst August 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Self-immolation or GTFO.

glasspusher August 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Fuckin' amateurs…

sullivanst August 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I know, right? I mean, they're getting like totally out-fundied by brown people.

glasspusher August 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

This makes me want to start an explosives factory that supports same sex marriage!

MumbletyPesade August 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Making a statement with honey-nut as a designated preference was way more classy when that roguish shotgun artist in crack-infested Baltimore did it.

NorthStarSpanx August 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm

1. By his logic, odds are, my kids are gay?

2. He showed them.

3. He's not going to be happy when the socialist First Responders ticket him for being a threat to society.

Doktor Zoom August 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Whatcha settin' fire to?

Nut'n Honey!

emmelemm August 6, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Are you allowed to sprinkle your own posts with extra snark like that?

kittensdontlie August 6, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Is it any wonder that generally-milled foodstuff causes some serious heartburn…

bikerlaureate August 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm

What product will they buy (and destroy) next, before running away like selfish, entitled morans?

glasspusher August 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

There's a guy who's so repressed he's ashamed to show someone his Cheery O face.

deanbooth August 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Are those Burns-Os?

actor212 August 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Toastie-O's!

glasspusher August 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

More like COs and CO2s when it's all over!

sullivanst August 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Yeah, arson does often lead to one becoming uncomfortably familiar with COs.

doloras August 6, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Sorry, pops, they don't name cereals after nobodies.

Jus_Wonderin August 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm

He should do a protest of American Airlines as they have partner benefits. Then I bet Napolitano would take notice.

metamarcisf August 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Rumor: Romney's VEEP to be Hurricane Ernesto – locking up the Latino vote.

glasspusher August 6, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I'm sorry, only questions on farming.

fawkedifiknow August 6, 2012 at 3:12 pm

And a "Pip, pip cheerio" to you, too. Twat.

fuflans August 6, 2012 at 3:14 pm

which one of you did this?

Chet Kincaid_ August 6, 2012 at 3:46 pm

The proper form is, "Alright, which one of you fuckers is Portly Neckbeard?!"

Baconzgood August 6, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Ahhhhhh. General Mills doesn't care if you eat 'em, set 'em on fire, or ground them up in a food processor and load 'em in a rubber with milk-freeze 'em, then use the frozen dildo to fuck yourself in the ass. All General Mills cares about is if you buy 'em. You bought a box and that's fine with them.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 6, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Remind me not to have breakfast at your house.

Gleem McShineys August 6, 2012 at 5:11 pm

This maybe explains what that filthy rabbit always wanted Trix for.

TribecaMike August 6, 2012 at 10:02 pm

The boxes are more nutritious than the contents.

fuflans August 6, 2012 at 3:15 pm

yeah. no. not linking on anything with 'michele malkin' in the sentence.

Blueb4sinrise August 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Thank you Dok, this is best.

Baconzgood August 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Hey Carl, can you call security? I just think I saw some fat ass hat in a totally gay pink shirt set our sod on fire.

CheeseBro69 August 6, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Is "cheerio" some sort of gay euphemism I don't know about?

Chet Kincaid_ August 6, 2012 at 3:19 pm

First, a conservatard fakes a pro-gay tantrum in a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru, then libtards fake a dumbass anti-gay cereal burning. Don't these people realize they are eroding youtube's journalistic credibility?!

HistoriCat August 6, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Youtube still has more journalistic credibility than CNN.

billy_reuben August 8, 2012 at 12:26 am

This wasn't fake. The guy's name is Michael Leisner, and erratic homophobic tirades with spasms of violence is his "thing". Before becoming internet-famous, he'd get his jollies humiliating himself on Minnesota and Wisconsin college campuses. He's been doing this sort of special brand of monkeyshit for decades. He's a piece of work.

An_Outhouse August 6, 2012 at 3:21 pm

It rare to view that quality of performance art outside of a high end gallery.

Estproph August 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

The stupid, it burns!

Exhausted66 August 6, 2012 at 3:32 pm

He's the last guy I thought you'd find smoking a bowl out in public.

SayItWithWookies August 6, 2012 at 3:33 pm

It's not civil disobedience if it doesn't involve an unplanned conflagration and then a bunch of chickenshits running away yelling "Quick, get in the car!" That's precious.

not that Dewey August 6, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Good and sweet
nice to eat…
I set myself on fire!

barto August 6, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I doubt the truth of his claims given the state of rapid oxidation of his pants.

TribecaMike August 6, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Aye, there's the rub.

1stNewtontheMoon August 6, 2012 at 3:38 pm

totally self-hating closet queen, amirite?

Misty Malarky August 6, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Every wingnut in the US of A should show they love Jesus by immediately going to their local Piggly Wiggly and purchasing several cases of Big G cereals. They can burn them at their lesiure in their back yards.

Then go back and repeat the whole process (particularly the buying of whole cases of General Mills products) until the gay huggers get their lesson.

That'll learn 'em!

zippy_w_pinhead August 6, 2012 at 3:50 pm

can't wait to see the look on that fool's face when someone tells him about Fruit Loops

KeepFnThatChicken August 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Why can't someone burn Bibles?

Generation[redacted] August 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And for my next trick — protesting the oil companies!

James Michael Curley August 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Somebody mentioned five fingered discount. Back in college a guy who had a lot less smarts than money got caught trying to shop lift some cereal. Wearing sweats he had gone into the store, opened the box and poured them down his pants.

MinAgain August 6, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Someone took that "Light of the World" thing a little too literally.

zippy_w_pinhead August 6, 2012 at 4:00 pm

just another Fundie cereal killer

JustPixelz August 6, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I call bullshit! Pink shirt makes a fool of himself AND puts the video on youtube? Well, in fairness, it was a plan elegant in its simplicity.

a_pink_poodle August 6, 2012 at 4:05 pm

"My lawn, man! What the hell! Do I set fire to your lawn?"

DahBoner August 6, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Can't start a fire without a spark.

Too bad he's just farting in The Dark…

rickmaci August 6, 2012 at 4:11 pm

What in the name of sweet baby Jeebuz makes somebody think that taking a blow torch to a box of processed breakfast cereal is an act of devotion to God?

zippy_w_pinhead August 6, 2012 at 4:24 pm

General Mills, Colonel Sanders and Captain Crunch? OMFG!!!! the military has been taken over by Teh Gays!!

ElPinche August 6, 2012 at 4:42 pm

These through-the-roof gaydar readings show that the cherrios aren't the only things that's are flaming.

zippy_w_pinhead August 6, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Lack of fiber- no wonder the Fundies are so full of shit

TribecaMike August 6, 2012 at 5:41 pm

As usual, nuns do it better:

"The U.S. government's only facility for handling, processing and storing weapons-grade uranium was temporarily shut this week after anti-nuclear activists, including an 82-year-old nun, breached security fences, government officials said on Thursday." http://in.reuters.com/article/2012/08/02/usa-secu

Lazy-arsed fundie Protestants shouldn't even bother.

argillic August 6, 2012 at 5:50 pm

This needs to be a TV reality show. Each week 2 teams compete to burn something God hates, and each week one loser goes h… to the hospital in an ambulance.

Baba_NinjaCat12 August 6, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Ceral Terrorist! Send him to Camp Chocula.

lulzmonger August 7, 2012 at 8:22 am

We would like to recommend that Christian lulzmongers seek a source of inspiration other than 4chan. “KILL IT WITH FIRE” is not going to win them any friends.

For the record, Lulzmonger is a lifelong atheist who advocates prompt fire suppression of all targets, which should be limited to the headquarters of certain Wall Street firms, & even then only as a last resort.

Now, if you're talking pre-emptive FALCON PUNCH, on the other hand …

billy_reuben August 7, 2012 at 6:48 pm

It took me a minute, but then I realized, "Holy shit! I KNOW that dude!" He used to come to the University of Minnesota in the 90's and harrass students on the campus mall, and he was an AM talk radio host on some now-defunct Christian station that was (in his words) "to the right of Rush Limbaugh ont he dial". His name is Michael Leisner, and he's also a former used car salesman. A quick google search confirms my memory.

Doktor Zoom August 7, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Thanks! And according to the comments, he apparently tag-teamed with Brother Jed Smock, so to speak. Wotta doofus.

billy_reuben August 8, 2012 at 12:19 am

Jesus, the campus preaching was a cavalcade of tragic human failure. These guys would hand out Chick tracts and photocopies of excerpts from "the Pink Swastika", I actually have an autographed copy of Brother Jed's "Who Will Rise Up?" Somewhere.

This isn't Mr. Leisner's first run-in with Johnny Law. Back when he was campus preaching (ca. 1996), he liked to use props to get people's attention. One day he stood out in the campus mall and bulled out a bullwhip, which he started cracking while he shouted obscenities. The campus police told him it was a weapon, and if he didn't get rid of it immediately, he'd be arrested.

The campus mall preachers elicited all sorts of great guerilla theater. Jugglers putting on a stand-up "blue" routine, strippers, people with portable amps doing guitar solos. It was magical.

The freakshow menagerie of psychologically dysfunctional preachers was a marvel to be hold in aggregate, but local shitbird Leisner always stood out of the crowd. He was an unreconstructed antisemite, who talked in essentialist singular phrases about the character of "the Jew". He would go on elaborate, spittle-flecked, baroque tirades about Liberace, Rock Hudson, and Lord Byron. He was convinced Jesus had short hair, and that long-haired Jesus was a conspiracy by Medieval French homosexuals. Long story short: for the last 20 years, the dude spend all day long thinking about other dude's penises, which makes him do vaguely violent, dangerous things for attention.

ttommyunger August 7, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Proving once and for all, anything can get on the intertoobs for everyone to see, no matter how irrelevant or stupid. In fact, irrelevant and stupid seem to rule nowadays.

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