A Wingnut Of Mars

Spite-Generated Harpy Michelle Malkin Has Thoughts On NASA, Science, Forced Abortions Probably

It IS a Red planet, you knowNerds everywhere are celebrating last night’s successful landing of NASA’s “Curiosity” rover, breathing a sigh of relief, glorying in the awesome technological achievement, and giddily anticipating that some JPL engineers will almost certainly get laid.

But hold on just a damn minute, here: rage-based nonsequitur generator Michelle Malkin would just like to remind all you liberals that you are not allowed to be happy about this. For one thing, she’ll have you know that Barack Obama, the wildly free-spending socialist who just can’t stop spending taxpayers’ dollars on everything, actually proposed a $300 million cut to NASA’s budget, probably so he could spend it on abortions for hippies on welfare. It was so horrible that planetary scientists were drivent to holding bake sales to raise money. For another thing, something-something-something HYPOCRISY!!!

Also: If Obama now an advocate of privatizing federal space programs to save taxpayer dollars, why does he attack and demonize government reformers who are looking for market-based solutions on health care?

Yeah, good point, whatever that was! Even worse, the Liberal Media which universally mocked George Bush’s Mars program said some nice things about Obama several years ago when he announced he would pursue somewhat similar goals in space, so all you zombies had better stop being such awful hypocrites! It is good to know that Michelle Malkin cares so much about NASA and science, except for when NASA and science think things like global warming might be real.

Finally, during the coverage of the landing, Malkin tweeted an important warning when Obama’s science advisor, John Holdren, had the effrontery to speak on NASA’s feed:

Oh, golly, what is this about John Holdren wanting to impose forced abortions on Deja Thoris? Aha, we see: He knew and co-edited a book with a guy who once said some intemperate things about overpopulation 30 years ago, so clearly he is a threat to America!

[Michelle Malkin]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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135 comments

  1. vulpes82

    I love how a "science adviser" turns into "czar" in Wingnuttese. A science adviser in this benighted country where greasy "chikin" is the new national food? OMG, THE POWER! THE POWER! Truly he is heir to the divinely-ordained autocracy of the Romanovs.

    1. larrykat

      Yeah suddenly "czar" is a left-wing socialist dirty word. Never mind that GW Bush had 33 of 'em.

      1. SorosBot

        Or that the word was created by the media, is not an official title, and dates back to the Reagan administration; no, Obama is creating all these czars.

        1. larrykat

          No kidding – obviously if Obama had come up with the idea they would be called "Chieftains" or "Bwanas", not "czars".

  2. Come here a minute

    NASA, quit stonewalling and allow Michelle Malkin to do a full investigation of the rover Curiosity by launching her to Mars.

  3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Curiosity is unamerican and can only lead to two things. Science and gay sex! DOWN WITH CURIOSITY!!!!

  4. Jus_Wonderin

    OT: I was driving from DFW to Houston Friday. I lost my NPR so channel surfed. Found………….Bryan Fisher. That dude is insane, seriously. He called BO a Facists about 10 times. I wanted to punch the radio. I wanted to call, but felt I wouldn't be able to hold my own.

    Then turned on Pacifica and that was refreshing.

    1. Designer_Rants

      Last time I was in the South (Mississippi, Bryan Fischer territory), we surfed when the NPR went out, and we heard a DJ who had just auditioned a new song for his show's rotation and then about a thousand (trillion?) people called in to "Pump it or Dump it". For literally at least a half hour all we heard was "PuhPuhPuhPuhPuhPuhPuhPuhPuhPuuuuuump iiiiiiit or D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-Duuuuuummmmmp it!?". It was kinda awesome. So for the rest of the week every time the wife asked a question instead of saying "yes" or "no", I would say "P-P-P-P-P-P-PUUUUUMMMP IT!" (or "Dump it").

      My point is that thankfully, we didn't surf into Fischer's radio program.

    2. HistoriCat

      My final year in college I had a dorm room which was oddly situated and I could only pick up two radio stations: a) the Virginia Tech NPR station and b) "the station that believes in Jesus!" I went with option a.

    3. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yeah, the last time I listened to a wingnut on the radio was like six years ago. The reason I quit listening is because I knew I could only take so much before I called in. I wouldn't be afraid of being unable to hold my own because I can trounce these fucks in arguments…I'd worry about losing my cool with colorful language and then embarrasing myself. Also, it doesn't matter how well you crush them they keep lying as if nothing was ever said…Hannity is a great example.

    1. RadioBowels

      Why yes, as I recall, they did blame Obama because he cut fire fighting funding.
      These fuckers are sooo predictable. Here is my first comment this morning about Mitt's lying:

      I also heard that the Mars Curiosity landing was a secret private sector project. And despite Obama gutting NASA, he is go to take full credit for the accomplishment.

      It garnered a whole 3 fists. Boooring.

    2. GunToting[Redacted]

      Over at Balloon Juice there is a thread discussing how most of the wildfires were actually set by Russian military troops who are training here in advance of the offensive which Obama will use to claim power before the election. I wish I were making this up.

      1. Devilette

        That was some insane reading. As much as I was laughing, those folks were scaring the shit out of me with their craziness.

    1. kittensdontlie

      "Yea right, Mars! If that isn't the Gingrich's moonbase, then our President is a monkey's uncle…"–Fox and Fiends

    1. CommieLibunatic

      In a rare example of bipartisan cooperation, Congress voted to change the planet's name to finally end those stupid jokes. It shall now be respectfully referred to as Urektum.

  5. edgydrifter

    In space, no one can hear Michelle Malkin screech. Just another reason space is so damned fabulous.

  6. Hera Sent Me

    I have no witty comment to make. She's a vile, unprincipled and unbelievably hypocritical human being. The only mitigation, and it's a small one, is that she obviously is turning pathological, emotionally-crippling self-loathing inside out and spewing it at "The Left".

    But then, so was Hitler.

    1. HistoriCat

      The good news is that no matter how hateful she becomes, she will never morph into the white male she wants to be.

  7. ChernobylSoup

    Proof that America can still do great things. Further proof of what's holding us back.

  8. Nostrildamus

    rage-based nonsequitur generator Michelle Malkin

    Speaking of nonsequiturs, any news on Alfred the Great?

  9. MacRaith

    So some JPL rocket scientists got laid and Michelle Malkin didn't. This horrible injustice is clearly Barack Obama's fault.

  10. SoBeach

    …why does he attack and demonize government reformers who are looking for market-based solutions on health care?

    Ouch. She's right and that one hits a little close to home. We should all quit demonizing those on the right who cheer and applaud when asked if we should just let the uninsured die. Because civility. We don't have to be all mean to them. They have feelings too.

  11. Fukui-sanYesOta

    I watched John Holdren on the live feed after the landing yesterday, and he was very "USA NUMBER ONE!!!!!1111!111!" about the whole thing, which seemed … somehow wrong.

    It's a stunning achievement and the whole world should be proud, but there's something which feels a bit odd about the "fuck you world, you're better because America!" thing which was going on.

    Huh, I'm snark-free again. Let me add some more: That landing is possibly the best moment I've had in my entire life watching space exploration. A truly wonderful achievement.

    I heard that Pete Hoekstra tweeted something about government-run space exploration being worse than the holocaust.

    1. Billmatic

      Are you trying to say that America is not exceptional? How dare you!!! You want the terists to win!!!

    2. Tangled sin tax

      I watched (along with the whole country) the countdown and takeoff for Alan Shepard's first flight and then got on the bus to go to school. By the time I got there he was back on earth. I think that was my most excited time.
      I also listened to the moon landing over Armed Forces Korea Network while watching a farmer plowing his field with an ox outside our wire. The contrast was dizzying.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        I am jealous as fuck.

        I do remember watching Columbia's first countdown whilst being a little kid at school and seeing the launch get scratched for computer glitches at around five seconds. It made me want to become a scientist.

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          I watched the Challenger blow the fuck up. In class. In the 5th grade. Not the best day of school ever.

  12. Goonemeritus

    It will take a lot more than Malkin to harsh my nerd buzz, Higgs boson now this Mars landing it’s a great year to have a slide-rule.

      1. Goonemeritus

        You’ll wish you had one when the power plants fail and our planet is ruled by STINKING APES!

      2. JustPixelz

        "Is that a slide rule in your pocket or are just happy to see me?"

        True fact: Until around 1940, "computer" was an occupation.

    1. viennawoods13

      Speaking of slide rules, that was a great scene in Apollo 13 when all the nerds pulled out their slide rules at Mission Control to do those complicated computations. Even more amazing, the guys on the ship did the same computations IN THEIR HEAD. Which is why I could never work at Mission Control or be an astronaut.

  13. CrunchyKnee

    I bet whoever paid for her as a mail order bride from the Philippines wishes they had a return policy. If only he'd have kept that damn receipt.

  14. Generation[redacted]

    Oh, golly, what is this about John Holdren wanting to impose forced abortions on Deja Thoris?

    BARSOOM LIBEL!!!1!

    1. Angry_Marmot

      It's worse than that– wait 'til they find out Barsoomians hatch from eggs and John Carter wants to marry one. Didn't Santorum warn us about this?

      1. MumbletyPesade

        Aw, the hashtag hearkens to the previous Rmoney post.. Pesade is frenchy term for a dressage move, which category of horseplay seems impossible to exhaust.

        p.s. update on orchestral manoevres in the donut: rosewater pistachio's and garam masala dusting apparently tickled one museum's fancy, as said Donut was catered to their latest exhibition, to respond with a humorous reverse-tribute I thought you'd also appreciate~

        1. Designer_Rants

          Pardon my "North Indian Spicy" language, but that donut looks fucking awesome. I had to look up what garam masala is, but I'm guessing it's perfect with the pistachio and icing on that cake donut.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    "Also: If Obama now an advocate of privatizing federal space programs to save taxpayer dollars, why does he attack and demonize government reformers who are looking for market-based solutions on health care?"

    If gasoline is so good for my car, then why isn't it good for my plants?
    If going fast and turning left is such a good strategy in NASCAR, why doesn't it get me to the grocery store?
    If bitching about everything being some big government conspiracy works so well on FOX News, why does it just get me shunned and ignored in public situations?

  16. ChernobylSoup

    Watching the landing (or better put, watching the scientists and engineers watching the landing) last night was so cool. I woke up my 6 year old son at midnight and we jumped and cheered along with the JPL team after the seven minutes of terror. It was an excellent night.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Someone this evil and traitorous – for money – would be wise to avoid bringing up words like "freak" and "ugh".

      1. Carabella1

        roflmao… have you ever been on her "new" site, twitchy.com? It's hilarious. She gets her fans soooo riled up. So much fun to get on there and twist their tits every once in a while.

        1. bikerlaureate

          You're doing yeoman's work.
          It would be hard for me to visit there and concentrate properly on snark. Trolling is not my favorite thing on these here innertubez

          1. valthemus

            I hate to think of it as trolling, but I do try to look at some right-wing blogs and sometimes I see something so unbelievably, outrageously, staggeringly wrong, I just have to say something. It's usually dismissed as librul lies, but if even one regular reader begins to realize how "selective" some sites are in presenting what they consider "facts" then I consider it a mitzvah.

  17. MosesInvests

    You don't need to force Deja Thoris to have an abortion-just destroy the hatchery. Barsoomian women lay eggs. (Yes, I *am* a nerd, why do you ask?)

  18. CommieLibunatic

    What the fuck is she even talking about?

    Y'know what, never mind. Just bring my kilowatt disruptor to bear and set the beam to "Brown Note."

  19. RedneckMuslin

    Obama cut the defense against the Eludium Q36 explosive space modulator. Now, Marvin the Martian wins..

  20. johnnyzhivago

    Just wait till that Rover's laser canon thing vaporizes some Martian kid who comes by to check it out and then see the world of trouble Obama got us into.

  21. gogogodzilla

    "Also: If Obama now an advocate of privatizing federal space programs to save taxpayer dollars, why does he attack and demonize government reformers who are looking for market-based solutions on health care?"

    It's got electrolytes! Let's water the crops with it.

  22. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Landing a full-size probe on mars costs about 2 billion dollars.
    Crashing the the global economy with MBA's costs 60 Trillion dollars.
    Paying CEO bonuses and golden parachutes? Priceless.

  23. JustPixelz

    Malkin's remarks are typical of the America-hating conservatives. Our greatest accomplishments are derided as mistakes, our best-and-brightest belittled as fools, our can-do spirit inverted into "don't do".

    Michelle Malkin can cheer for the Go-Pee Space Agency over NASA and for insurance company death panels instead of universal coverage and for burn-baby-burn over the complexity of climate science. Because that's what America haters do.

  24. Katydid

    Did someone forget to tell me this is opposite day? The whackjobs at Miss Manners' site are exercised that Obama cut Nasa's budget…since when are they mad about budget cuts? Guaranteed that they'd be screaming bloody murder now if Obama had asked for an increase for NASA. I guess every day is opposite day when you're a rightwing lunatic who cannot stand even the idea of a Democratic president.

    1. SorosBot

      They're mad about budget cuts if and only if they can be pinned to Obama; like deficits didn't matter under Bush.

  25. YasserArraFeck

    Hey 'Tards!! Fuggetabout your "Red States" – There's a whole Red Planet over there!!!
    Don't let the atmosphere hit you in your fat asses etc etc

  26. JCE1985

    While the lack of funding and general interest towards space programs and NASA does sadden me, I don't appreciate it being temporarily hijacked by the hateful, known-nutjob Malkin. Especially through the magic power conservatives and their extremist friends like to use, known simply as the "false equivalency."

    NASA does rely on public funds, but many of its connections are also funded by private interests. That may be unfortunate, but it's what happens in a climate of hostility and misunderstanding towards science and space exploration.

    So, why in the hell would we want the same fate for health care? Besides, aren't conservobots generally displeased with the "amount of money poured into NASA" and say things like, "We should spend it on more important things!" Like health care? Oh no, you meant the military, lobbyism, promoting religious institutions and influence, and policing the world. How silly of me.

      1. mavenmaven

        hey, captain black was the tragic bad guy in that story, if my childhood memories are correct.

  27. Oblios_Cap

    I thought Malkin was competing in the Dressage portion of the Olympics. What's she doing back in our country?

  28. DahBoner

    Did she dress up like a cheerleader when she said this?

    How can we take anything a Conservative says seriously unless they give us fetish wear???

  29. unclejeems

    Well, it looks like Ferdinand Marcos is finally getting his revenge. I wonder how many pairs of shoes this chick has?

  30. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    I'd like to have about five minutes alone with the Malkintent…I wouldn't physically abuse her because I don't believe there's ever a reason to hit a woman…well, one exception and that's if the bitch is trying to kill you. I'd just do my homework and ask about issues with the object being for her to yammer as many phallacies as possible in return. That alone would be immensely satisfying…I love how much they lie when cornered.

  31. Thunderclees

    There is nothing in the Constitution that empowers the federal government to spend money on going into outer space.

Comments are closed.