MEET YOUR CANDIDATES  3:50 pm August 3, 2012

Tennessee Dems Nominate Insane No-Name Conspiracy Monster for Senate, But At Least He’s Not Harold Ford

by Jim Newell

It appears that whatever crew of shady state ballot-fucking political operatives have finally released their 2012-edition Alvin Greene Candidate. This time it’s in Tennessee, and his name is Mark Clayton. He will carry the Democratic party banner in this fall’s matchup against Sen. Bob Corker, because his name was listed first on the primary ballot and Tennessee Democrats have lost the will to live. His platform veers a touch typical cookie-cutter Democratic fare: It’s basically Paultardism garnished with even more virulent homophobia and concerns about a Schwarzenegger-led restoration of Nazism. You can extrapolate pretty easily from here — what, say, does he think about the Google? Correct, reader! He does in fact think that the Google, in collaboration with China, is out to get him. And so on. We apologize to Alvin Greene for making the comparison.

A bit more, from Tim Murphy at Mother Jones:

Mark Clayton believes the federal government is building a massive, four-football-field wide superhighway from Mexico City to Toronto as part of a secret plot to establish a new North American Union that will bring an end to America as we know it. On Thursday, he became the Tennessee Democrats’ nominee for US Senate.

Clayton, an anti-gay marriage activist and flooring installer with a penchant for fringe conspiracy theories, finished on top of a crowded primary field in the race to take on GOP Sen. Bob Corker this fall. He earned 26 percent of the vote despite raising no money and listing the wrong opponent on his campaign website. The site still reads, “DEDICATED TO THE DEFEAT OF NEO-CONSERVATIVE LAMAR ALEXANDER,” whom Clayton tried to challenge in 2008. (That year, he didn’t earn the Democratic nomination.) [...]

Clayton has another intriguing theory. This one involves a former governor of California: “Schwarzenegger, born in Austria, wants to amend the Constitution so that he can become president and fulfill Hitler’s superman scenario.”

The Schwarzenegger theory seems pretty out-there now, but in ~2005 it was a well-respected member of the “shit you can’t believe they’re earnestly debating on cable news every night” club of narratives.

Hopefully this is the last time we write about Mark Clayton, the Democratic Senate nominee in Tennessee. At least for a couple of years. We all know he’ll eventually wind up a regular in the guest chair on Morning Joe, playing the ol’ “Even the liberal Democrat Mark Clayton…” role.

[Mother Jones]

 

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{ 140 comments }

actor212 August 3, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Mark Clayton believes the federal government is building a massive, four-football-field wide superhighway from Mexico City to Toronto as part of a secret plot to establish a new North American Union that will bring an end to America as we know it.

Errrr, that would be I-35, Mark…

MissTaken August 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I-5 here on the Left Side.

Callyson August 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Anyone who thinks that constantly – clogged parking lot that some people call a freeway is going to serve as a route for invaders of any kind has clearly lost all sense of reality…

actor212 August 3, 2012 at 4:22 pm

"General, we're running behind schedule"

"Well, YOU try getting past the 10 at rush hour!"

Biel_ze_Bubba August 3, 2012 at 5:22 pm

It's there for defensive purposes — brilliant execution, if you ask me.

not that Dewey August 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

And it's not much of a secret.

anniegetyerfun August 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

So THAT'S why the gubmint can't afford to pave I-5 – a 54-lane highway from Canada to Mexico!

coolhandnuke August 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

You can understand Clayton's concerns. He is a long-time member of the Truck Stop Fluffers Union.

zippy_w_pinhead August 3, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I'm so glad to see that they've finally organized…

Ruhe August 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Are we sure the secret plan isn't to build a four-football-field wide football field so that four games can go on simultaneously and we can all expire in an orgasm of NFL awesomeness? That's more plausible…if you watch a lot of ESPN. I guess if you watch FOX all the time then shit like the Mexican superhighway seems pretty reasonable.

HistoriCat August 3, 2012 at 5:11 pm

There are some clueless cheerleading types in Texas who want to put together a new Interstate highway. They're the same conspiracy idiots you find elsewhere but I think they have real estate interests along the proposed route.

They want to call it I-69. Not kidding.

Larry McAwful August 3, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I-69 actually exists right now. It runs from somewhere in Michigan to Indianapolis. There has been a plan to extend it to Texas, running through a number of states along the Mississippi River, giving us an interstate we mostly don't need. Of course, an interstate that runs down eastern Arkansas would help, as well as one that replaces US Route 59 in east Texas.

Of course, connecting these highways to Indiana and Michigan makes no sense. Additional interstates down south would suffice. The "conspiracy" part of this had more to do with a bunch of senators occasionally bringing it up, planning to run it across as many state lines as is possible, thus winning crazy support for it in the Senate, making the wasteful project harder to defeat.

The proposed, superlong I-69 has more to do with cupidity than it does with New World Order conspiracies. Or maybe that's what they want you to think, as they pay for the first part of the I-69 extension with dollars, and the final part with… ameros!

Negropolis August 4, 2012 at 4:23 am

I live off of I-69 here in Michigan. There is no need for any kind of extension since other freeways kind of pick up its load after Indy.

TribecaMike August 3, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Here in New York, its called the Tappan Zee Bridge.

viennawoods13 August 3, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Welcome to the 401.

nounverb911 August 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Tennessee is an equal opportunity batshit crazy state.

MinAgain August 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I see you've visited my birth state.

mavenmaven August 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

How much did the Koch bros pay him to run?

hls58 August 4, 2012 at 5:32 pm

And the repubs cross over to vote for him. The repub primary was set for Corker.

Preferred Customer August 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

If the superhighway means I can get through Tennessee without stopping, I'm in. Where do I send my Ameros?

qwerty42 August 3, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Gold Ameros, I assume.

Larry McAwful August 3, 2012 at 10:27 pm

You assume wrong. The New World Order's choice currency, the amero, will be a fiat currency, and not backed by the only substance in the world that could possibly have monetary value: gold. Only the gold standard and Ron Paul can save America from the amero. Stand by to defend Fortress America. WOLVERIIIIIIINES!

metamarcisf August 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

This is weird. I thought for sure the Tennessee democrats would nominate Lane Kiffin.

LastGasp August 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

“Schwarzenegger, born in Austria, wants to amend the Constitution so that he can become president and fulfill Hitler’s superman scenario.”
And how will Ah-nold amend the Constitution? Oh nevermind — I can only take so much crazy from one person.

actor212 August 3, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Buh flexing his baisep, you girlieman.

arihaya August 3, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Actually this is not that crazy thought. Back before the Great George W Bush Financial Meltdown, GOP SERIOUSLY considered Ahnold as candidate and Sen Hatch of Yutah even proposed ammendement to enable it

But then economy crashed and they changed the plan. Instead of Ahnold, they deployed the rabid Tea Party, as a desperate re-branding effort.

PubOption August 3, 2012 at 7:45 pm

I can't see any of the Tea Partiers as ubermenschen.

Jukesgrrl August 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

You do, indeed, owe Mr. Greene an apology, Jim. This insanity is MUCH more Marceauxesque.

emmelemm August 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Agreed. Greene was a soothing balm of Zen. This guy's just a fucknut.

noodlesalad August 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I believe that highways are destroying our country, but I'm pretty confident that my reasoning is different from Mr. Clayton. Still, anyone's better than Bob Corker.

coolhandnuke August 3, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Don't blame me I voted for Tennessee Tuxedo.

Ruhe August 3, 2012 at 4:19 pm

T…T…T!

zippy_w_pinhead August 3, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I voted for Tennessee Jed…

Nostrildamus August 3, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Tuxedo/Chumly 2012 !

Biff August 3, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Tennessee Stud ftw.
RIP Doc Watson…

Graham Cracker August 3, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Sir, I served with the Tennessee Stud, I knew the Tennessee Stud, the Tennessee Stud was a friend of mine. Mark Clayton, you're no Tennessee Stud.

RIP Doc, too!

Goonemeritus August 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Say what you want but maybe we shouldn’t discount that Schwarzenegger theory out of hand.

Biff August 3, 2012 at 5:42 pm

It wasn't Ahnold that was floating that ridiculous idea, it was the RNC. Be afraid.

memzilla August 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Your move, Arizona…

zippy_w_pinhead August 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

we'll trade straight up for Joe Arpaio and toss in Trent Franks as a bonus. Don't fuck with us, our bench is DEEP

MinAgain August 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Two words…Stacey Campfield.

The defense rests.

Gorillionaire August 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Probably a ghey.

actor212 August 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

an anti-gay marriage activist and flooring installer

Damn carpet muncher.

DrunkIrishman August 3, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Remember when Harold Ford was Barack Obama before Barack Obama was Barack Obama? Yeah, me either.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

There is nothing wrong with an active fantasy life.

Not_So_Much August 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Does he recommend laminate or real hard wood for a living room?

actor212 August 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm

D'pends…how big's yer trailer? We talking double-wide or tow?

Gopherit August 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Other than Arizona, Tennessee might be the only state where a sharia-hating conspriabagger could have a shot to be a democratic candidate.

Larry McAwful August 3, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Maybe. But I still have a lot of faith in Oklahoma Democrats.

VaWyo August 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Your move, Basil Marceaux.

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Basil Marceaux is too crushed to come up with a move.

Biff August 3, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Imagine the traffic stop slavery prospects on an interstate highway 4 football fields wide, for fuck's sake!

Baconzgood August 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm

"an anti-gay marriage activist and flooring installer"

I find it delicious that he spends so much time on his knees.

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

More time than even WE think. I think.

Texan_Bulldog August 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm

"…and Tennessee Democrats have lost the will to live."

"…and Texas Democrats have lost the will to live."

Fixed.

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

No, don't jump! Texan! NOES!

HistoriCat August 3, 2012 at 5:13 pm

It is – sadly – true.

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 5:19 pm

(Hugs the HistoriCat, scritches the furry belly)

I wish we could partition Texas, with all YOU good guys on one side of a fence and the CFA FAGGOTS (yes I said faggots. They are. The worst bunch of nelly-boy nancies I ever laid eyes on) on the other.

emmelemm August 3, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Even us Democrats in blue states are starting to lose the will to live…

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 5:20 pm

(Hugs you too)

In my next life I am coming back as a very colourful, but tiny, cephalopod so I can give everybody their Minimum Daily Requirement of hugs.

emmelemm August 3, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Cephalopod so you have more arms for more hugs?

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Exactly. (And also because I have a total crush on cephalopods.)

But I would be a tiny little one, so, nonthreatening. Also very cute when they hug your finger with their tiny, tubular, strong little arms.

Negropolis August 4, 2012 at 4:25 am

I don't know. To me, Texas Dems seems as if they are getting more energized as the decades move on knowing the demographic changes are quickly favoring them.

You know, it's really crazy to realize the states that are trending towards us and those that are trending away from us, because it doesn't follow an easy formula or easy assumptions.

BarackMyWorld August 3, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Wow…26%? The TN Democratic Party just MIGHT want to consider changing their nomination process.

CommieLibunatic August 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Word. I'm trying to wrap my head around this. I mean, I know it's Tennessee, but what the flippin' fuck? This guy's worse than Randall "Don't care about my dead gay son" Terry as far as psychos with a D in front of their names go.

BarackMyWorld August 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Look up who previously has held that particular Senate seat, and you'll have an even harder time with it.

MinAgain August 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

The bar is set pretty low. It only takes 25 signatures to get on the ballot in Tennessee.

Baconzgood August 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Secret Superhighway to Mexico? This is stage 8 tin foil crazyness.

actor212 August 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

It gets better.

It gets MUCH better…

It's either a highway to heaven. Or to hell. Depending on which preacher– or Lou Dobbs– you listen to.

keinsignal August 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

How all of this relates to the I-35W bridge collapse is left as an exercise for the (deranged) reader…

actor212 August 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

The bridge over I-35 was brought down in a controlled demolition so they could begin construction the "SPP".

9-11 was merely a practice run.

SorosBot August 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Or whether you prefer Michael Landon or AC/DC.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 4, 2012 at 12:01 am
Baconzgood August 3, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I buy that.

Baconzgood August 3, 2012 at 4:16 pm

"for example, “setting free” an inebriated young man from “the desires to be with men” through the laying of hands at a gay bar."

That's it! I'm calling it a day. Shit is getting too homo-erotic with the right wing!

viennawoods13 August 3, 2012 at 9:11 pm

That is batshit insane.

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

In this country where people have trouble keeping their fucking UNDERWEAR a secret (see, e.g., Mitt Romney) and the only secret seems to be bazillionaire TAX RETURNS, yeah, I'd really like to see them build ANYthing and keep it secret.

chicken_thief August 3, 2012 at 4:42 pm

*leaning in close* Well, you saw the black ops troops set the charges for the demo of the WTC, right?

You didn't?!

THAT PROVES THEY DID IT!!!!!!!

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 5:04 pm

(Leans WAY back with a look of horror)

Put the weapon down, nice chicken_thief. That's right. Slow and easy does it.

(Flees at high speed)

coolhandnuke August 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

It's the old marketing maxim of getting your company's name first in the Yellow Pages. Clayton was listed first alphabetically on the ballot and considering this is Tennessee, if Albert Asshat had been running, Albert Asshat would have won.

chicken_thief August 3, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I'd vote for Albert just because saying "my congressman, A Asshat, …." would be so cool.

anniegetyerfun August 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Tennessee Democrats have lost the will to live.

Did they ever have it? Really?

Fraudulently_Joe August 3, 2012 at 4:14 pm

To be fair, if you were a Democrat who lived in Tennessee, you'd have lost it long ago too.

CrunchyKnee August 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Your move Joe "the plumber."

Extemporanus August 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

When reached for comment, Schwarzenegger had the following to say:

"ARRGGHLLBBLARRRBBHEHHGLLL!!"

actor212 August 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

In fairness, he was going down on the former housekeeper.

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Sounds about right. That's the extent of his vocabulary.

anniegetyerfun August 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Oh, check out his photo on Mother Jones. It's like someone crossed Phil from Modern Family with Dexter. The poor dog looks seriously dubious about this venture, too.

CapnFatowls August 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Wait, is he the one on the left or on the right?

Callyson August 3, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Whose dog is more miserable–Mittens' or Mark Clayton's?

And where is the ASPCA when we need it?

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 5:08 pm

He's gay.

Srsly. He's SO fucking gay, he broke my gaydar.

PubOption August 3, 2012 at 7:47 pm

He certainly has a serious case of gayface.

MittBorg August 4, 2012 at 12:32 am

If this dude turns out to be not-gay by some hideous mischance, I will eat my hat and yours. With mustard.

OhDeerMee123 August 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Can I have my Ameros and FEMA camps now, please?

keinsignal August 3, 2012 at 4:14 pm

The Tennessee Democrats' tent is not only big, it's tinfoil-lined!

SayItWithWookies August 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Yeah, all the crazies are against the secret Mexico-to-Canada superhighway — but tell 'em the Federal Gubbermint's gonna make it a toll road and then watch the cognitive dissonance fireworks start.

imissopus August 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Oh, another one of those guys who doesn't realize Infinite Jest was fiction.

le_derppage August 3, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Was it???

MissTaken August 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Tennessee could give this shining beacon of hope the nomination and we couldn't even get Orly Taitz? I'm so ashamed to be a Californian.

SorosBot August 3, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Well at least you did your part, too bad not enough other Californians joined in.

SorosBot August 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Yet he still seems sane than Michele Bachmann.

chicken_thief August 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

And, according to Marcus, Clayton has a purdier mouf.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

You know, in Tennessee, this just might work! Good Move!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

The only thing super about the Austrians is their ability to ingest alcohol.

The only thing super about Arnold is his ability to ingest steroids.

emmelemm August 3, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Sachertorte libel!

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Mmmm. I could use a nice thick slice of sachertorte right now.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 3, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Those are pretty amazing. I consumed one last year at the Hotel Sacher in Salzburg. That is the only thing I can afford to do at the Hotel Sacher.

chicken_thief August 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Ahnuld will take over the country by getting his Messicun son to take over the WH – employing the devious Austrian-Messicun Anchor Baby strategery.

chicken_thief August 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Mark Clayton?! Who is his press secretary – Dan Marino?

CommieLibunatic August 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Mr. Newell, are you just getting your news from the Onion now?

zippy_w_pinhead August 3, 2012 at 4:34 pm

No, he meant a four-football-field wide superherohighway. Apparently, the Hulk has put on a little bulk since living the good life with all those movie residuals…

Guppy August 3, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Even the nutjobs don't know the capital of Canada.

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 5:10 pm

So, it's *not* Canberra, is what you're saying?

Guppy August 3, 2012 at 5:26 pm

No, it's Vienna.

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Huh. And it's so far away, too.

viennawoods13 August 3, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Sadly, Vienna has been going downhill since the Edisons left.

TribecaMike August 3, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Nor can they speak a word of Canadian.

Guppy August 3, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Hectogramme avec fromage, si vous plaît.

arihaya August 3, 2012 at 8:06 pm

It's Canada City, duh.

viennawoods13 August 3, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Well, to be fair, Toronto acts like it's the capital.

Negropolis August 4, 2012 at 4:29 am

I don't even think Canadians acknowledge their capital as their capital. As far as Toronto cares, it's the capital.

MinAgain August 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I once read that the reason Canadians put the capitol in Ottawa was because no invading army would ever find it.

fuflans August 3, 2012 at 4:40 pm

what makes you think google ISN'T out to get him?

zippy_w_pinhead August 3, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I just Googled it and they say they aren't…

just_juice August 3, 2012 at 5:03 pm

So, uh, if this guy wins does this mean my Ameros are no good in Tennessee?

BZ1 August 3, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Actually that superhighway is part of Canada's nutzo powers that be in creating a Centreport in the heart of the country, Winnipeg????

Biff August 3, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Oh for fuck's sake.

Misty Malarky August 3, 2012 at 5:51 pm
Lazy Media August 3, 2012 at 6:20 pm

This is the state that gave us two Al Gores in the Senate. WTF, Tennessee? I know you hate black people and liberals despite not having very many of them, and that's why you went Republican, but srsly? This is some mentally deranged shit right here.

MinAgain August 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Not only that, but Tennessee gave women the right to vote. I don't know what the hell has happened to my state.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 3, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Next thing you know, they'll take away our torches and pitchforks.

Negropolis August 4, 2012 at 4:13 am

You know what? That title is perfect and spot-on. I despise Harold Ford, Jr. I mean, almost as much as Senators Bob Corker (R-Volkswagon) and Dick Shelby (R-Toyota) who rank right at the top of my list for their antics during the auto bailout. These two are enemies of the state up here in Michigan.

Negropolis August 4, 2012 at 4:30 am

Is this our Christine O'Donnell?

hls58 August 4, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I think it's worse, she was a republican. Aha, the republicans crossed-over and voted for this guy.

ttommyunger August 4, 2012 at 9:37 am

When I ride North to visit my son I'm really glad Tennessee is such a narrow State, but when I arrive at my destination I'm in fucking Kentucky, but then I live in Georgia, so…….(whimpers uncontrollably)

hls58 August 4, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I'm a Tennessee Democrat and I'm so ashamed…..how did this happen????

Baba_NinjaCat12 August 5, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I can't when Mark publicly believe the thin line on the globe, the latitude line, that goes across the United States, the Atlantic Ocean and Europe, is a socialist plan to build the intercontinental highway as part of a One World Government conspiracy.

gurukalehuru August 14, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I rather like the superwide highway idea, as long as they run a high speed rail line down the middle of it.

OldWhiteLies August 3, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Then you'd want to go with the Cuttlefish, Sir. They're pretty cute, as cephalopods go, and they have the requisite 8 arms plus 2 tentacles count. Plus they can do some fabulous manipulation of the pigments in their bodies to effect some of the most dazzling (literally) color patterns – that undulate.

MittBorg August 3, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Why, thank you kindly, OWL. I'll be sure to put in an application early.

I love those little cuttles.

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