You Will Never Guess CNN’s Double-Secret Source About Romney’s Taxes

Look at that punim!
It’s good to be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Sure, all the establishment whiners are like, OH, HOW RUDE, Harry Reid is positing terrible things about poor Mittens Romney, who has no possible way to clear himself of Harry Reid’s terrible charges! Worse, Reid refuses to say who his source is, and we ALL KNOW you are always supposed to give up your source, immediately, because that is how sources work! Jon Stewart especially, in his role as Defender of Civility and the Faith, is most dismayed by the Ethics of it all. But, hrrrm, now CNN’s Dana Bash is doubling down in defense of Harry of the Mighty Balls, with her own source, who also knows the source, and who says if we knew the source we would all be like DAYUMM, yeah, that source WOULD be in a position to know that Mitt Romney, despite his heated avowals that he has paid taxes and a lot of them every year forever, could actually have been telling the truth and lying at the same time, because he never said “income” tax. Haha, gotcha stupid media. Where were we? Yes, Dana Bash says that her source says that the first source is like a super famous person or something that we would all know, and who would know. Here, since the HuffPo video player is being rather cunty, is a transcript:

Bash: But I did speak, I just have to tell you, that I did speak to one source who’s very close to Senator Reid who claims to also know who this Bain investor is that Reid spoke with, and insists that this is a credible person and this person if we knew the name we would understand that they would have the authority and the ability to know about Romney’s tax returns. Whether we’ll find it out ever, who knows. But they’re doing this on purpose so that this is the discussion.

Which can mean only one thing:

the source is Ann Romney. You guys, it was staring you in the face THE WHOLE TIME. (And by “it,” we mean “Ann Romney’s nipple.”)

ann romney's nipple

[Fuck you, HuffPo, guess we have to link to PoliticsUSA]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. actor212

      "OK, Rafalca, I know we can't quote you directly, but here's a thought: to confirm this story, finish thirteenth in the opening day of horsey dancing. Then we'll publish the taxes story and your claim that he touches you inappropriately"

      1. kittensdontlie

        How devious of Rafalca, but a well deserved payback for all those silly horse dancing lessons…

        1. MittBorg

          You think he might have written Harry before he kacked? I would, if someone tied me on top of a car all wet and crappy and freezing.

          1. MittBorg

            Man, you're talking to the one person in the room who ALWAYS fucks up the social cues, yaknow? I won't even notice. I'll just hug you and then you'll feel bad for making fun of the village idiot.

            Is THAT what you want, Chet? IS IT?

  1. anniegetyerfun

    That fishbird on her shirt has been staring me in the eye for MONTHS now. I can't unsee it.

    1. kittensdontlie

      I wonder how much it cost Ann to have her nipple replaced with an eye? That could come in handy in so many ways…

    2. Mittens Howell, III

      Fun Fact: That $1,000 t-shirt actually counts as a $1,200 tax deduction. The Romneys entered it in the Dancing Fish event at the 2010 Aqua Olympics, held in the Bahamas.

    3. fuflans

      she has terrible taste in clothes. you expect some kind of amped up ll bean (like the mittbot himself). but NOOOOOOOO. instead we are treated to some reductive nancy reagan 80s crap with florid colors and bizarre patterns. and fish.

      did you see that spikey zig zaggy candy cane pink and white thing she had on last week? horrid.

      i can only imagine how she decorates the car elevator.

      1. MissTaken

        For realz. One thing my grandma (pre-Alzheimers) taught me was to wear prints very sparingly. If you look back at photos of yourself that make you cringe, chances are you were wearing a print.

        Wonkette Fashion Tips!

        1. anniegetyerfun

          Actually, you can wear TONS of prints these days, as long as you are razor-thin.

          I am not, and as such, wear nothing but solid black.

        2. ChessieNefercat

          I'm such a fashion don't.

          I wear jeans and blouses every day to my fabulous job. And the blouses are, without exception, plain or (brace yourselves) floral prints. In cotton. I prefer small dainty prints but I will take cabbage roses or bird of paradise prints if I have to (clearance!). There. I said it. I'm a botanist. I like flowers. I feel happy wearing them. (And moss, but there aren't many blouses for bryologists. But I digress).

          Sniffle. I will just never be one of the cool, stylish, fashionable kids, will I?

          1. MittBorg

            (Hugs Chessie fervently) I don't know if you *will* ever be one of the cool, stylish, fashionable kids, but I suspect if shit like that mattered to you, you wouldn't wear what pleases you. That said, I just want to say that, as a lover of all things plantlike and especially of flora, you would certainly delight my eyes.

      2. MittBorg

        Or the weird dress she was wearing on her trip to London, black-and-white with giant yellow splotches like Rafalca had just peed all over her.

          1. MittBorg

            All my life I got into trouble because whenever people said "Don't do ____, whatever happens, I would do ____.

            And now you tell me this. You know I'm gonna lie awake all night wondering, right? I'll check tomorrow and see if you relented yet.

        1. MittBorg

          If you look at John McCain's LENGTHY Senate career, over the years he has tended to be fairly nonpartisan in his hatreds. I.e., at least in my humble opinion, the miserable fuck is an equal-opportunity hater.

      1. Isyaignert

        This story is about a CNN reporter who said she had a very reliable someone who could back up Harry Ried. I'm speculating it could be John McCain for various reasons.

      2. An_Outhouse

        I'm guessing a fellow Mormon – small circles of powerful families that despise each other.

          1. MittBorg

            Really? Evidence? I can imagine Huntsman wouldn't be overly fond of Rmoney, but I have no evidence for any major rift between them. (They're very much alike, except Huntsman's a little nicer.

          2. BonoboReview

            That's actually a really plausible guess. Huntsman did not endorse Romney in 2008 but went with McCain. He is also "famous" and rich enough that he would be credible.

    1. MittBorg

      There ya go. He doesn't LIKE RMoney very much, either. And he has a million opportunities to speak to Harry all casual-like. My money's on John-Boy.

    1. Isyaignert

      I was always amazed that he was a boxer and wondered what he boxed – dustbunnies? Glad to see he's strapped on the gloves.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    You'd think with all their loot that she'd be able to get that Wandering Nipple Syndrome fixed.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    "he has paid taxes and a lot of them every year forever,"

    Yeah, it's pretty difficult to hide your mansions in a Swiss bank, so property taxes are hard to dodge.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      That's what the mansion elevator is for. You just lower the whole thing into the ground.

    2. ibwilliamsi

      Not to mention sales taxes on all of the Caddies that Ann drives. Of course, he writes them off, but he PAYS them at the point of sale!

  4. fredbell

    So Adnan Khashoggi has access to Rmoney's tax returns?….But this guy is like super secretive…He's not going to say an effing thing….

          1. emmelemm

            So you're one of those cheapskates who says, "Why buy nipple clamps, just use binder clips?"

    1. Steverino247

      No, he's already denied ever seeing the returns. I wouldn't put it past Sarah Palin to have taken a peek, but she's too stupid to read them.

  5. noodlesalad

    The secret source is also reporting that the turkey is done, and that the headlights are on.

    1. Isyaignert

      Haha! What's with that "Put up or shut up" comeback from Rmoney. What a fukkin' douche!

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        I would love to see them two duke it out. Mitt's so dumb he told a former boxer to 'put up'. I would give my husband's left testicle to see Harry slap Mitt around and mess up his perfect Grecian-formulated coif.

  6. Steverino247

    It's got to be John McCain. He doesn't like Mitt Romney, has seen his returns and is a member of a very collegial organization, the United States Senate. Political posturing aside, they do respect each other and often are sorry to see other members go. See Kennedy and Hatch, for example.

  7. SmutBoffin

    As it turns out, Mitt Romney just wants to hide the fact that his tax returns contain write-offs like the cost of Extra-Virgin Robot Oil, magic underwear repair, "full release" rubdowns for his horse, and soul depreciation.

  8. SorosBot

    You know, if Reid's source is wrong then Mitt could prove it just by releasing his tax returns instead of attacking the messenger, just saying.

    1. ph7

      That's ridiculous. That would be akin to demanding that the President of the United States produce his birth certificate to prove he wasn't hiding something.

  9. deanbooth

    I've always loved Jon Stewart, but I stopped watching him when he went after ACORN a second time (based on false wingtard premises). I didn't decide to stop watching him, it just kinda happened.

    1. Isyaignert

      I hear ya! I watched Wednesday's Daily Show and was hugely pissed off when Stewart did a whole bit dissing Harry Reid for saying he had a reliable source for Rmoney's not paying income taxes for 10 years. I almost threw something at the TV. Most of the time, he's spot-on, IMHO. I hope he eats his words on this one tho.

    2. larrykat

      Stewart's just ass-covering. He probably has an interview coming up and wants once again to be able to claim he goes after both sides. I like him generally, but this "equal sides" shit from him is chapping my ass, I must say.

    3. LetUsBray

      I can't pinpoint when I gave up on him, but that's pretty much where I'm at. I think his intentions are honorable, but when a person gets too Inside it becomes all too easy for them to be co-opted.

  10. Weenus299

    I don't care what anybody says, that thing on Annie's shirt or whatever looks like a fish or an eel.

    1. MissTaken

      For a thousand bucks you'd think they'd make it obvious to tell. Or at least give her two nipples.

      1. Comrade Wingtardd

        I thought it was an extinct Finchfish, If we are to believe that, then this describes RHoney?

        "She works hard, walks with a purpose and enjoys the sort of lunches you have at the Modern or STK in midtown. While always full, her handbag never is messy. She shops the third floor (obviously) but you also may find her mixing in pieces from the sixth floor and 5F (think ALC, Peter Som or Helmut Lang). She prefers a low pony, parted down the middle…but it’s ok if her hair is a bit rumpled — she’s busy, industrious. You’ll find fresh flowers in her entryway, always."

  11. Veritas78

    I particularly like Mitt's belligerent "put up or shut up", which I believe was exactly the desired response, given that his tax returns would accomplish the same.

    I'm beginning to think that Mitt might not be that bright. Perhaps it's the inbreeding.

    1. proudgrampa

      "Perhaps it's the inbreeding. "

      That, or it's the Mormon mindset. On a certain level, they are very intelligent. But the lies that they profess to believe (Jesus in the New World, Golden Tablets, etc.) twist the point of view so that they tend to not think as critically as they should.

    2. Soylent Green

      It was in the same tone as "I did not have sex with that woman". And we all know how well that turned out.

  12. anniegetyerfun

    In the same way that Mittens sat around blabbing with his dressage horses with Hannity, I can see Ann blithely discussing how she and her hubby haven't had to pay a cent in income taxes for years (yay, her!).

  13. HistoriCat

    I clicked on the "journamalism" tag – talk about a trip down memory lane! Some great stories from the last four years there. Good times!

  14. Wadisay

    Well, if Rmoney did pay nothing, at least he can honestly say that he won't personally benefit from his tax proposal.

  15. Gleem McShineys

    "Dana, when you interview David Banner; two things. One, don't make him angry, and two, definitely don't tell him your full name."

  16. Isyaignert

    If Harry Reid is right and Rmoney is worth far more than a measly $250M, then perhaps the Moron church hasn't been getting its fair share from him. Wouldn't that be delicious to watch unfold?

        1. not that Dewey

          I know, but he wasn't saying it.

          It came up the other day in the context of the chick-fil-a Santorum sauce.

  17. BarackMyWorld

    Reid and Romney are both Mormon, so my guess is Joseph Smith, in an email to Reid from the planet Kolob.

    (I don't like to make fun of Mormons, in general, but you gotta admit that's a weird coincidence.)

      1. MittBorg

        Have I hated on you lately? With, you know, a sort of white fire of righteous hatred?

        Because if not, we could fix that. Just so's you know.

  18. Billmatic

    Also I'd like tos ay that while the Editrix makes some good sarcastic points about anonymous sources I still don't think it's Harry Reid's job as the Senate Minority Leader to be this petty. It could be total misinformation, and I don't think Democrats need to resort to that like the right does. Facts tend to work pretty good for us, maybe he should have a little chat with Bernie Sanders, whose info-graphics on Facebook about income inequality and global warming are always accurate and devastating.

      1. Dr. Nick Riviera

        Didn't they just post a survey that one out of 3 Americans think Obama is a muslim?

        1. SorosBot

          And the majority of Fox "News" viewers believe we actually found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

  19. BeefHardcake

    Ann Romney's creepy bird T-shirt proves in and by itself that money and taste, indeed, do not always skip happily along together hand-in-hand.

    1. MittBorg

      I don't know what is it about this rich bitch and clothes. She NEEDS a fashion advisor STAT. She dresses like a fucking Goodwill garbage-bag-rummaging hobo.

      Somebody needs to tell her old women shouldn't wear bright, snappy young colours and loud prints. They just look like cheap attention-whores when they do. (Unless they're black, or regally tall, and she's neither.)

      1. BeefHardcake

        Plus, it's just something about having a BIG FACE on your t-shirt. It's not like Ann gives us enough of the crazy-eyes on her own, oh no; she has to have more of them on her clothes, too! *shudder*

        1. ChessieNefercat

          I just realized how mean that shirt is to guys. Trained to look at a gal's eyes</i., damn it! their eyes are inevitably drawn to the eyes on that godawful shirt. Giving Ann an excuse to tell her huntsman to lop off the poor disrespectful shmuck's head. For fun.

  20. chascates

    Can't somebody start waterboarding politicians and pundits so we'll know their real agenda, sources, and political backers? I mean, it probably doesn't work like the experts say and you end up with false confessions. But we need to start somewhere.

  21. Callyson

    this is a credible person and this person if we knew the name we would understand that they would have the authority and the ability to know about Romney’s tax returns.

    See–there *is* a God…

    1. MissTaken

      No, but what you think is a fish/bird eye is actually her clitoris. They call her Deep Nipple.

  22. johnnyzhivago

    It's Superman.

    But seriously, it's so obvious that it's someone close to McCain, who hates Romney and wants to scuttle the convention.

    Sarah Palin???


    The point is, this is probably true.

    1. ph7

      it's someone close to McCain, who hates Romney

      That puts John McCain at the top of list, then.

    1. MittBorg

      I always thought it was a large salmon. There's the gill right where Ann's breast should be if you were a mutant and had a breast growing out of your shoulder.

  23. majicunderwear

    HENNNNNG!!! Sorry, It's WALLNUT'S revenge for lack of respect. Even "members" of the rich pricks club find Mitten's blend of pious sociopathic behavior insufferable.

  24. C_R_Eature

    You know who else used covert information from a famous source who wished to remain anonymous?

    1. MittBorg


      I don't wanna hear any argument. Last time I *didn't* say "Hitler," it turned out to be Hitler after all, and I STILL haz a butthurt.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Well, I would have said "Glenn Beck", but the Judges will accept "Hitler"

        500 points to you and you get to spin the Wheel of Fish!

        1. MittBorg

          CRE! (Hugs the CREature)

          I went to SciAm looking for that phallus-throated marine life, but couldn't find it and wandered back here. Has SciAm always been so *perky*? I seem to remember them being more sciency, but maybe I've just gotten used to the ScienceNews format. Anywho. If you tell me its name, I'll go look for it on Teh InterToobz, which are stuffed full of interesting things, I hear tell.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Hey, MB!

            Phallostethus cuulong.

            It's Here in a Blog called, oddly enough "Running Ponies" by an incredibly funny Oz woman called Becky Crew. My New Favorite writer. Go there & give her some love.

          2. MittBorg

            Thank you so much. She's a hoot!

            Unfortunately, I'm not a Scientific American, so I can't leave her meaningful leers over her comments on priapiumfish. Pity!

          3. C_R_Eature

            The thought's what counts and I'm sure that the extra site traffic doesn't hurt either.
            I'm looking for her book, supposedly coming out later on through the U of NSW Press called " Zombie Tits, Astronaut Fish and Other Weird Animals". Although the Tit is probably an Avian, rather than a mammalian reference just the title alone's got me hooked.

          4. MittBorg

            I'm sending out her blog URL to all my sciency friends. They'll love her, being, basically, horrible snarky people.

            I saw that! Of COURSE I thought of the bird immediately. (Not.) I'm reading more and more about *zombies* lately, dude. Beetles, ants, now bees and tits. Oh, and crazy cat ladies, too. Geesh. What's this shit about free will?

          5. MittBorg

            Oh, man. CRE. You couldn't have known, but I have been in the worst fucking depression, and listening to this … I just lit up some FINE JillyBean and Steve Vai is doing things to my spinal column long distance that should *surely* be outlawed.

            Talk about "the band was tight." Thank you. You are one helluva fine fucking friend.

          6. C_R_Eature

            Well, this makes me very happy and I'm glad that I can help.
            Just by happenstance, for 18 days at this time of year I make it a point to do One Good Thing every day. I don't have to stop at one, though and I think you'll need something to get you through the rest of the night:

            Frank and Stevie live.

            ZPZ's Call Any Vegetable
            (I have a bit of a Creature Crush on Schelia Gonzalez)

            Susan Tedeschi & Derek Trucks jamming on "Anyday".

            Stevie Ray Vaughan. 'Nuff Said.

            Clapton. Badge. 1977.

            Go and be happy.

  25. SayItWithWookies

    Hell, I'm betting it was Mitt — not directly, but if that bastard could keep himself from blabbing to all his fellow Bain investors that he hasn't paid income taxes in years I'm a monkey's uncle.

  26. James Michael Curley

    Challenge Mitt regarding this "I pay lots of taxes" issue. What? Sales taxes? Taxes paid by partnerships which are created to launder earnings to his personal accounts? $1 in taxes because the earnings are in the Caymen Islands and he would have to pay $10 if that same money were invested in the US?

    This guy is worse then a phony, he is a stupid phony and worse than that he is a stupid phony who thinks we don't know he is a stupid phony because he is so much smarter than we are.

    Madame Defarge, you're on!

    1. coolhandnuke

      We can rule out Mitt paying any alcohol, tobacco and gambling taxes.
      Tis a shame there is no lying tax on the books. If it was, by Mitt alone, we'd be in surplus.

  27. C_R_Eature

    Is it me or does Ann Romney dress like someone that's been surrounded, for years, by people who's jobs depend on telling her exactly what she wants to hear?

    Come to think of it, that's exactly the way Mitt speaks.

  28. Extemporanus

    Serious question, you guys:

    Is it even physiologically possible for a post-menopausal woman's nipple to be the source of a leak?

    1. MissTaken

      I'm gonna go with 'no', but then again, she may be on hormones to help with hot flashes (it would explain her horrible fashion sense) so who knows?

      I'm seriously thinking about Ann Romney's nipples right now. That counts as the 3rd stage of Hell, right?

  29. Soylent Green

    Jeez Willard, why so serious? It's not like we're doubting your citizenship and demanding a birth certificate or anything. PS: Oh yeah – it is.

  30. TribecaMike

    The Masonic-Mormonic nipple sees all and knows all. That's why it's on the dollar bill.

  31. DemonicRage

    It's that girl in the vampire movies. She did it to get the press to stop barking about who she's been doing.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Out West, where you vacation, the nipples will already be turning. They turn in clusters, because their fishbirds connect them. Come back to work—and life. Until then, you will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

  32. keinsignal

    God I love it when Harry Reid goes aggro. It's like watching a hamster kick somebody's ass.

  33. Jukesgrrl

    C'mon, Megs McCabe, this is your chance to do some real journalism! Pulitzer Prize, baby. You know your Mommy pays at least SOME income tax, so she must hate the Rmoneys. Not to mention Tina Brown would owe you, big time.

    I haven't convinced you yet? I hear the Pulitzer comes with a boyfriend and a weekly spot on TRMS.

  34. zippy_w_pinhead

    I'm pretty sure you could post a picture of Calista Gingrich with this article and no one would know the difference…

  35. ttommyunger

    I'm sorry for always thinking about my dick, but Ann's face says only one thing to me: instant soft-on.

Comments are closed.