John Conyers, how regularly you delight us! (Once, we sat next to the million-term Michigan Democrat at a recording industry handjob event, and could not wait to tell him about how we had read that the stupid TSA, post-9/11, was constantly pulling him out of line because of his bum ticker. “That’s Dingell,” he answered shortly, and did not speak to us the rest of the night.) But what has John Conyers done now? Oh, just expertly trolled the hearings for the English Language Unity Act (because of how Congress is so singlemindedly focused on jobs) by opening his remarks in Spanish, Newt Gingrich’s famed “language of the ghetto.”

It was so sweet of Conyers to attempt, quite belaboredly, the Spanish tongue. But then — d’oh! — those clever Trent Frankses et al. said that he made their point for them, about how difficult it would be if all communications were translated into multiple lingua. Of course, the bill says rather more than that — it bans federal and state employees from communicating with people in their native languages at all, and not just in official business on the House floor. Why? Well, probably because Steve King is a dick.

Oh right, would you have ever guessed that the English Language Unity Act was first introduced in 2005 by champion of animal rights (to fight to the death) and person who thinks raping little girls is not illegal in the United States of America, Iowa Congressman Steve King? Another feather in Iowa’s cap!

And now, a musical interlude:

You are welcome.


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  • ChernobylSoup

    Did you know you can rape and kidnap a child, cross state lines and make her have an abortion, then drop her off at the swingset and it's completely legal if you do it while speaking Spanish?

  • ChernobylSoup

    Pressing 1 is a burden no white man should have to shoulder.

    • Come here a minute

      The voice mail people have disgracefully bowed to the English-only assholes by removing the "Press one for English". Now it just says to marca el número dos para continuar en Español, You have to just wait five seconds for the system to continue in English. (I'm pretty sure you could press one eliminate the wait, but I don't think the teabags are likely to figure that out.) Progress!

    • kittensdontlie

      Also, in the DC barrios, the language of King's most favored prostitutes is rarely english, making it difficult to procure their services.

  • BaldarTFlagass


    • Whollyholeyholy


  • Boojum

    Is it legal to rape and kidnap Congressman King, if you do it in the library, with a vote?

    • vasty_derp

      If you drop him off at the swing set when you're done- yeh, sure.

    • Mahousu

      Somehow, King does not strike me as a library type. Unless it's the Library of Cock-Fighting. (BTW, do not try to use the restrooms there.)

    • Isyaignert

      I'd rather do him in the library with the candlestick.

  • fartknocker

    Trent Franks: Vete a la chingada

    • BoroPrimorac

      I saw that idiot quoting a Daily Caller article in a hearing the other day.

    • Nibbler of Niblonia

      me cago en la leche de las putas madres de King y Franks

    • TribecaMike

      Vete a la chingada with chili verde.

  • King est un trou du cul. Je souhaite que quelqu'un aurait le poignarder avec un pic à glace. Des voix.

    • Nostrildamus

      Peut-il manger un sac de bites rat salés.

      • Poing un haut!

        • doloras

          MDR! (Ou, en Anglais: LOL!)

    • DahBoner

      Sorry no hablo French.

      Got Ranch?

  • noodlesalad

    Well, duh, they wrote the First Amendment in AMERICAN ENGLISH y'all. You cain't have freedum of speech if you're talking Messican.

    PS – 操你妈,Steve King.

  • "English motherfucker, do you speak it?!!!"

    • BarackMyWorld

      They should call Jules to testify.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "ANCIR" means "stupid assholes" in Spanish.

    Well, not really, but it would be really funny if it did.

    • doloras

      Not many people know that in Esperanto, ALEC is an anagram for Total And Complete Bastard.

  • sbj1964

    John Conyers will rape your cattle,and steal your women.

  • bumfug

    For a group that's so hot for English-only, these fucks are notably inept at using the language.

    • widestanceromance

      Look here, European English doesn't work there and it certainly won't work here!

      • Biff

        Right? I'm always failing to understand what the fuck they're saying on the Formula 1 team radios.

  • mavenmaven

    So Steve King will be in violation of his own law if he continues to speak Dickwad?

    • ChernobylSoup

      "Pardon me, I speak Dickwad."

  • MacRaith

    In all seriousness, there is a major problem with these English-only bills, and that's that there is no legal definition of "English language". And definitions are important when you're making laws – look how much nonsense we've had to deal with because the Founding Fathers never bothered to define "natural-born citizen". So, in order to force people to speak English and only English, we need a definition of what is English and what isn't. And we don't have that. There is no government body, or any other organization, that is legally the steward of the English language.

    You know what language does have a governing body? French. That's right. The conservatives are trying to turn us into France.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      The fact that they serve (not too horrible) tacos at Jack In The Box means we have already lost this war.

    • PsycWench

      True. I was at a rest stop in NC once listening to a local maintenance person and a Noo Yawker trying to talk to each other in "English".

      • MacRaith

        Speaking as a North Carolina native living in Massachusetts: I heah yah.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yup, French – the language that is disappearing so fast the French government is trying to promulgate rules to force the French to speak it…

    • i just spent last weekend in a shakespeare (theatre) workshop. we spent a good hour talking about english and it's descent and how corrupted and fluid and free it is.

      also, how it's tots just french and german only twice the vocabulary of either.

      english is wasted on these fuckwits (MADE UP WORD!!)

    • doloras

      The big problem with people who say "English is the international language of commerce" is that in fact *bad* English (aka Engrish, Singlish, etc etc) is the international language. In 100 years that'll be totally different from what we speak, like Latin collapsed into Italian, French etc.

    • Negropolis

      I love the chaos that is English. No school can tame it. Long live English!

  • Steve King a une jolie bouche.

    • Chichikovovich

      Un crâne qui est fait absoluement à foutre.

      • doloras

        Ah, je comprends! En Français, on est libre à dire que: Qu'est-ce que c'est la différence entre la bouche et le con de Mme Palin? Seulement un parmi ceux qui ont sortis de son con est imbécile.

        • Chichikovovich

          Tabarnak, c'est bon, ça.
          J'n'avais jamais entendu ce joke, là.
          M'ci b'coup.

  • Exhausted66

    Under the new(ish) rules, are we allowed to wish that some people get ANCIR and die?

    • An_Outhouse

      just Steve King

    • bikerlaureate

      There's no cure
      There's no answer.

  • BoroPrimorac

    Que hijo de puta! Hahahahaha!!!!!!

    • Se chupa la polla.

      • BoroPrimorac

        Por que lo insultas?

        • No tu. King!

          • BoroPrimorac

            Yo se. Solo te estaba molestando.

      • Biff

        Is that a cross between a chalupa and a chupacabra?

        • "Chupacabra" literally translates as "sucks goats"

          There's your hint.

  • peaceocrap

    From Detroit to Albuquerque, from the Mississippi Delta to the Patomac, from San Francisco to Pensacola, this great nation was built on the English language!

    • bobbert

      That's the great nation of Vespucci, right?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Nicely done.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Heh. I just got back from a week in Southern California and am experiencing the culture shock of seeing road signs and street names not in Spanish.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Point muy bien entendu, xi xie.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Okay, only one of those names is Messican…

    • ChernobylSoup


    • DahBoner

      Al Bu Querque, means Corktown…

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Reps. Franks and King:

    Vas te faire enculé, mày chết đi, and gai tren zich, also.



  • BaldarTFlagass

    Here at the federal facility I work at in San Antonio, many of my federal colleagues of the brown persuasion speak to each other in Spanish quite frequently, but it's usually private conversations and not about work. It doesn't bother me a bit, in fact it gives the place a little bit more of a cosmopolitan international flavor, even more so when Mr Oyelowo the Nigerian in the next cube is talking on the phone to his wife in Igbo and Dr Ramalamadingdong further down is chewing his kids out in Hindi.

    • ChernobylSoup

      He's laughing at you. That's the way [your coworker] laughs.

    • BerkeleyBear

      When I worked with a bunch of Filipinos and they spent all day chatting in Tagalog it bugged me a little, but only because they had the most awesome potlucks and never invited the whiteys. Didn't bug me nearly as much as other co-workers talking about their sex lives at the top of their lungs in English.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I liked how the Filipinos I worked with in Afghanistan would intersperse their Tagalog conversations with the occasional English word, i.e. "Malacanang olongapo gilling gilling puntongenemo internet."

    • chascates

      That's what I like about going to the Central Market here in Austin. You hear Russian, Chinese, sometimes French and Italian. It's almost like I don't live in fucking Texas.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I spend a lot of time wishing my coworkers spoke in languages I don't understand.

    • Isyaignert

      Hey, I'm planning my first trip to San Antonio in October. Hubby went there on a business trip and tells me it's wonderful.

    • doloras

      Which is precisely why I'm learning Farsi to keep up with the Iranians I hang out with. Also I can get a job as an interpreter after Israel nukes the place and they all come and live here.

    • Negropolis

      You forgot Mr. Tengallonhat speking Texan, and exotic language with lots of twang.

  • coolhandnuke

    I thought douchebag diatribe was Steve King's official language.

  • Typodong3


    Thats the only Spanish word I know. Other than Si. And Spanish.

    • MacRaith

      My Spanish begins with "Una cerveza, por favor," and pretty much ends with "Mas tequila, por favor."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Besame culo, Señor King. Mamar me verga también.

  • Modern English is a corrupt alla putrida chock-a-block with bastardized foreign words that no respectable xenophobe should be expected to communicate with. I'd argue for Shakespearean English, but that's no better, what with its constant borrowing from the French and Italian — nay, we need to go back to fundamentals, beeyotches — Old Norse or bust!

    • Nibbler of Niblonia

      The whole country itself is named after an Italian. So we're gonna have to rename.

      I vote for the US of Nascar-Coke-a-BigMac-o-FoxNews-ica

    • doloras

      Við höfum nú tvej kostir, ok er hvartki góðr!

  • Alright, which one of you fuckers is John Conyers?!

    • Goonemeritus

      OT. If I went to your jazz blog and listed some of my favorite albums would you be kind enough to suggest some artist/albums that I should give a listen to? I seem to be stuck in the late 50’s early 60’s.

      • I could try, but I'm no expert! I listen to some of the obvious immortals and a few others, but my jazz snobbery is nowhere near comprehensive.

        • Goonemeritus

          Thanks, I have listened for years but I know surprisingly little past Cool and Bop.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Bleeding Gums Murphy's "Sax on the Beach" is seminal.

          • Goonemeritus

            Is it as good as Cholera Joe's great unfinished album “Don’t Need No Doctor”?

  • Buzz Feedback

    Bring back the Bell Beefer.

  • Goonemeritus

    If we are going to do this English only thing how will Federal Agencies communicate with people from the Deep South?

    • DahBoner

      "First, empty the marbles…"

  • Callyson

    Vete a la mierda, Esteban King…

  • MegPasadena

    " it bans federal and state employees from communicating with people in their native languages at all."
    Good luck with the immigration officials, visa officers and diplomats.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Oh, they'll be just fine. They just have to use the Universal American Comprehension System in three easy steps:

      1. Speak English slowly and loudly.
      2. When that doesn't work, speak louder and slower.
      3. When it still doesn't work, pull out your concealed weapon and threaten to start shooting if they don't stop goofing around.

  • What if this law were passed, and you were a federal employee, and the only way to prevent the rape and murder of a child was to interview a witness in a language other than English, you fucking bigoted pieces of shit? I'm sorry, honorable fucking bigoted pieces of shit?

  • Terry

    "…could not wait to tell him about how we had read that the stupid TSA, post-9/11, was constantly pulling him out of line because of his bum ticker. “That’s Dingell,” "

    …and it's his hip and not his heart.

  • chascates

    Yes, someone who only speaks Spanish desperately trying to tell a forest ranger about a possible fire starting, or point out something suspicious to a TSA agent will certainly get the point about what we value in this republic.

  • Nibbler of Niblonia

    first they will outlaw every language other than English, then they will pass a law that strikes the phrase "I would like to vote for the Democratic candidate, please" from the English language, thus making it illegal to vote D

  • poorgradstudent

    India has 2 official languages on the national level but also 21 additional languages on the regional level. South Africa has 11.

    What the hell does it say about us that simply acknowledging and accepting that we have a multilingual (and by extension truly multicultural) society, when two countries with even more violent recent histories of ethnic and colonial conflict than ours have been capable of doing exactly that?

    • doloras

      In fact, one of the biggest uprisings in South African history came in 1976 when the government tried to introduce the Afrikaans Language Unity Act.

  • MissTaken

    But can we speak Dutch? I work with a bunch of Dutchies and their adorable 'stoopwafel' 'strippenkaart' is the way I judge if I'm drunk. If I can understand what they say I need to slow down.

    • vasty_derp

      No. And you'll have to start passing the Dutchies on the RIGHT-hand-side…

    • OneYieldRegular

      Very gouda idea.

    • Als inwoner van het oude Nieuw-Amsterdam, Ik ben het eens.

  • BZ1

    Steve braindead King, that one?

  • BerkeleyBear

    It is times like this that I wish I had spent more time learning a foreign language – like, say, native Floridian.

  • RedneckMuslin

    " it bans federal and state employees from communicating with people in their native languages at all."

    Uh, wouldn't that be English for most people?

    • Ha! Well, that would effectively drown the federal government in a bathtub.

  • owhatever

    That there English only rule ain't gona make no nevermind to us in the South cause we'uns already speaks it good, a whole lot bettern they'uns over yonder in Messico and Britin.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If this passes, does it mean all those inbred southern crackers are going to have to learn coherent English?

    • Butch_Wagstaff


  • I would like to introduce legislation stating that legislation written in "Idiot" cannot be brought before the House.

  • Of all the 200 odd countries in the world, some of which are very odd indeed, I don't believe there is even one that has a law that is this retarded.

    Then again, none of them have Steven King.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Surely Rep. Conyers could have cruised by a Home Depot parking lot to pick up an undocumented alien to inexpensively fix his broken spanish!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Shoot, Google Translate would have done a serviceable job for free!

  • Regarding the Musical Interlude: shouldn't this bitch be wearing a slinky black dress barely covering her Brazillian wax, and sexy black boots, and singin' sassily to me about what Aaron Rodgers plans to do to the Bears on Sunday Night Football? Her cracker accompanist has got a good ol' head waggle goin', also.

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      Will speaking Hillbilly be outlawed?

  • BoroPrimorac

    Who needs the Latino vote anyway?

  • coolhandnuke

    Conyers is pretty Spanish fly for a blah guy.

  • BarackMyWorld

    "Stewardess, I speak Jive."

  • OneYieldRegular

    I hope next time Conyers will bring along an English grammar pop quiz and force everyone to take it on the spot.

  • rickmaci

    Spanish words commonly used today made illegal by the Republitards English Only law, and this is just the list starting with the letter A: abalone, adios, adobe, albatross, Alcatraz, alligator, alpaca, amigo, amontillado, anchovy, Apache, armada, armadillo, arroyo, avocado.

    I guess this list would need to include all the names of most of the cities in Arizona, California, Nevada, Texas, New Mexico, Florida, Colorado, and the names of the state would need to be changed and oh shit this is complicated.

    • For the love of God, Montresor — not the amontillado!

    • JustPixelz

      They particularly want to outlaw "amigo".

  • pinkocommi

    I have always thought that Republitards and I do not speak the same language.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    So, are you saying my life-long study of Esperanto is all for naught?

    • Well, you can always put "Incubus" on your DVD…

      EDIT: Or Angoroj

      *heading over to Netflix queue*

    • doloras

      Lifelong? You can learn Esperanto in two months.

      (Tutvida? Vi povas lerni Esperanton ene de du monatoj.)

      • Isyaignert


  • Barb_

    Have any of ya'll read Sara Benincasa's book? I clicked the link to the right and got there through Wonkette to make my monthly order of M&M's and Advil and I was thinking about adding a book or two to the shopping order. Any help would be appreciated. I will just keep the order opened until I can get some feedback, please.

    I can't believe I've been ordering from Amazon this whole time and not going through this site to get there. I didn't even know that it benefits us when we do that. Now I can bring M&M's to our party and have Advil for the morning after.

    Does anyone need anything while I am there?

    • ChernobylSoup

      My wife read it and loved it. But now she has a fear of public settings and never leaves the house.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Barb, I need the 4th season of Battlestar Galactica.

      I haven't read Sara's book. I have looked at the listing for it though.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Hey Barb,
      I recently obtained and read a copy of Sara's book from a fellow Wonkettite(?) with the understanding that I would pass it on after I read it. It's a great book and Sara is my new, imaginary BFF. I will send you my copy if you promise to send it on when you are finished. If you are bent on buying your own copy I will just pass it on to someone at the next Seattle area meetup.

      P.S. Did you know that amazon sells sex toys? They don't make them easy to find, but they are there.

      • Barb_

        Big! I noticed that Walgreen's now sells sex toys.
        I would be honored to have your copy.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    How do I say "shut the fuck up" in Klingon?

    • Biff

      You just did!

  • at a recording industry handjob event

    Wait, you guys have those? Can we do that, in lieu of the drinky thing? "In addition to", "immediately after", and "during" are also reasonable prepositions to consider.

    Anyway, I got distracted; what were we talking about?

  • JustPixelz

    The Repubicans should be careful about this stuff. For example, in English "torture" doesn't mean "enhanced interrogation techniques", and "disclose" doesn't mean "hide", and "transvaginal ultrasound" doesn't mean "protect the unborn".

  • Biff

    Dos palabras: Frito Pendejo.

  • OhDeerMee123

    Boy to I enjoy the brown-fearing Republicans. Everyone should already know that if they don't understand you…..SPPPPEEEAAAKKK LOOUUDDEERR AND EEENNUNNCCCIIAATTEEE!!!

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I found myself making a clamshell gesture with my hands at lunch when I asked the waiter for a carryout box. I felt ashamed.

  • Toomush_Infer

    See, what it is – these conservative paranoids are afraid anyone speaking Spanish is talking about them….and they don't know what "douchebag" sounds like in Spanish….

  • Biff

    You're Garrison Keillor, then?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Hey, my Swedish grandparents were told by the school superintendent not to talk Swedish at home with the kids….so the little poikas and flicka never learned ten words…and of course, I'm now monolingual…if that…

    • jodyleek

      Crap! I meant to say "Stevie boy" rather than "Johnny boy" in my righteous rant.

  • HistoriCat
    • OhDeerMee123

      Well, he wrote the KJV in english, so that should settle it.

  • PhilippePetain

    When these bigoted dillweeds are making this argument, they are aware that Google Translate can do this sort of thing, um, rather inexpensively, and sort of instantaneously, right?

  • i feel more jobs growing already.

  • MosesInvests

    Haver Congress hamechubad King-lech tizdayen, ya ben-zonah! Us'tom ta'peh!

  • “That’s Dingell,” he answered shortly, and did not speak to us the rest of the night.

    Michigan Congressmen all look alike.

    • Negropolis

      It's funny, like three of the Detroit-area congressmen are over 80, so I understand when people get them confused. lol

  • ttommyunger

    I guess John Conyers is O.K., but the last time I heard him speak he was having trouble mastering English.

  • hilacious


  • Negropolis

    Conyers is a dick, and he's our dick. I was born in this guy's district, and while I personally think it's time to send him on his way (he's been a pretty sucky congressman for his consituents in the past term or two), he still has flashes of rhetorical brilliance now and again.

  • Negropolis

    What drives me up the wall, particularly, are the Anglos in the Southwest livid that someone there would dare speak Spanish. That, the some of the folks up here in the Great Lakes literally a few generations removed from their grandparents and great-grandparents who spoke nothing but German until WWI, and not just spoke it, but the language was taught in schools and printed in the media.

  • CivicHoliday

    King said "The argument that diversity is our strength has really never been backed up by logic," therefor I must assume that Gabby should be immediately stripped of her gold medal and returned to Africa where she belongs.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Did know Michigan Rep. Conyers use writers from China to write his statements and speeches in Spanish since he flunked Spanish in college and high school.

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