chicken = new starburst

Bill Kristol’s Dirtiest Fantasy: Watching Mitt Romney Eat Chicken

Liz Glover's finest scalpHow is American journalism’s most fearless armchair-warrior, Weekly Standard editor and former New York Times fail dragon Bill Kristol, keeping himself occupied this election? Some may recall his useful role in the last presidential election, which was to recommend to his good friend John McCain the VP selection of Sarah Palin, whom he met during a Weekly Standard cruise one time and enjoyed. But Kristol’s been glum for most of the year, since none of his 10,000 entreaties to Rep. Paul Ryan could convince him to join the presidential race. No Iran wars yet, no fun VPs to recommend, no Paul Ryan to do his bidding: these are the dark days for William Kristol. The best he can offer to the Party these days is a cynical, borderline-gross blog post about how much he wants to watch Mitt Romney eat fast-food chicken.

“‘Romney to Chick-fil-A?’ by William Kristol,” the headline roars, at the Weekly Standard. How awesome would it be if he did it? There are 900 Chick-fil-As around him, RIGHT NOW, and he could so just go to one, and smile, and everyone would think he was a badass. Yeah…

Mitt Romney’s hosting a campaign event at Jeffco Fairgrounds in Golden, Colorado around lunchtime today, and a quick scan of Chick-fil-A’s website shows several locations within fifteen miles or so of the Romney event. So it should be easy for Romney to stop at a Chick-fil-A for a photo-op (and a sandwich!) on his way there. He could also place a large take-out order from one of the stores for folks at his campaign event. And while he’s at it, he might follow the example of a caller from Wisconsin to Laura Ingraham’s radio show yesterday, and use his credit card to pay ahead of time for the next several members of the military who show up for a meal.

Bill Kristol is salivating at the idea of Mitt Romney pulling off this intricate, multistage pander to the social conservative chicken mob. He really is Irving’s boy, isn’t he? Back to the fantasy:

Mitt munching on a Chick-fil-A sandwich … the right thing to do, and politically smart, too. And tasty.

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And dreamy… oh, the chicken… Mitt just… pandering… pandering so hard… right into that chicken baby… just makes me feel… SO ALIVE!

[Weekly Standard]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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157 comments

      1. Nibbler of Niblonia

        *copyright bender bending rodriguez. you owe him a royalty for use of that phrase. give it to me, I'll see that he gets it.

    1. irishdave3

      If The Great Avoider,Chicken Mitt eats a chicken samwich, would that be the Donor Party like, you know redux?

      1. docteur_giraud

        The Seagull Statue at Mormon HQ is something to see. A flock of birds took a massive shit 100 years ago and the LDSrs built a shrine to the Great Seagull. . . . That's probably the coolest thing they ever did, actually.

        1. AncienReggie

          The legend of course is that a massive Flock of Seagulls arrived suddenly as though from a distant ocean and saved the land-thieving Mormons from a plague of locusts. (The seagulls remain to this day, shitting loudly all 'round the Great Salt Lake. The locusts transmuted into missionaries and spread throughout the world.)

          I guess this is probably true–except maybe the missionaries part–but I've seen most of Utah, which is mostly beautiful, and i can only wonder what the locusts found to eat there in the first place. Cedar? Sandstone.

          Anyway, it is a cool statue. And a very salty lake.

          1. doloras

            "…a massive Flock of Seagulls arrived suddenly as though from a distant ocean and saved the land-thieving Mormons from a plague of locusts."

            And then the Mormons ran. They ran so far away.

    1. Biff

      After his horse-in-law's meh performance at the Olympics, I'm seeing filly fil-a on the horizon.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      William's been eating his own foot even longer than that. Foot in his mouth and head up his ass, the man's a wonder.

  1. ChernobylSoup

    On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas that for far too long have strangled our politics. We remain a young nation. But in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things.

    "I wanna see Mitt eat chicken 'cuz gays."

  2. YasserArraFeck

    I suspect Mittens would eat anyone/anything to get a vote. Some greasy chikkin's no big deal.

    1. Dumbedup

      You are correct, sir, RMoney would suck cock to get votes/money, and he probably already has. Koch cock.

      1. chicken_thief

        The way he walks I'm thinking he took it up the pooper. But maybe he walked funny before.

    1. kittensdontlie

      When the chickens found out they were being used (for greasy pickled sandwiches), LDLs and salmonella were weapons used to maim the liberators.

    1. mavenmaven

      I would have thought this was the one conflict that did not involve Jews. This chick-fil-a business is entirely about goyim. Very Goyish goyim.

    1. ph7

      A few years ago, I saw Bill Kristol pulling out of the Arlington Hospital parking garage with a hot blonde in his silver Mercedes. I felt sorry for her.

    1. chicken_thief

      If he fucks around enough, maybe Dan Savage will come up with definition of "Romney".

  3. SmutBoffin

    YOU KNOW WHAT MITT SHOULD DO IS BUY CHICKFILA AND THAT WOULD BE A GOOD THING FOR THIS CANDIDATE TO DO THEN HE COULD EAT THERE EVERYDAY AND LET SERVICE MEMBERS SHARE HIS CO2 INFUSED CORN SYRUP WATER DRINK

    1. emmelemm

      "Some of my best friends OWN Chick-Fil-A."

      ETA: I see I was outmatched by OhDeerMee123 directly below this.

      And the BigSkullFuckingDog.

  4. OhDeerMee123

    Mitt has had friends who have bought whole chik fil a franchise chains…….but as for the sandwiches….that's for Those People.

      1. Dirt_Dog

        The nice thing about Coors Light is that with the temperature indicator on the can, he should be able to tell if you're actually cold and dead or just resting.

  5. Trannysurprise

    I like to go there and make the xtians run back and forth to my table as I tell them I need stuff one thing at a time. It's like being at Old Ebbitt but with more hate.

  6. bumfug

    Bill's already getting major wood over a candidate who looks like Mark Trail – the thought of chicken grease dripping off Mitt"s chin must be driving him mad with desire.

      1. bumfug

        For the 9 years I lived in GA I knew that Chick-fil-A was a pack of bible-thumping dicks I never ate there so I was just guessing they'd be greasy.

        1. ttommyunger

          Darkened their doors one time in my life. Dry cardboard in a stale bun with ONE pickle chip. Could not tell if it was chicken, fish or shoe leather. I don't get it.

  7. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Mitt munching on a Chick-fil-A sandwich …

    Mitt's wife is going to be so jealous.

  8. Schmannnity

    I would rather see Mitt eat one of those Iowa State Fair corn dogs that Bachmann was deep-throating.

  9. IncenseDebate

    When you have luminaries of the GOP telling the candidate to eat fried chicken to get votes, well, your goose is cooked, no?

  10. MissTaken

    Mitt munching on a Chick-fil-A sandwich … the right thing to do, and politically smart, too. And tasty.

    And includes a pickle. And your weekly allowance of sodium. And is on a bun. And comes in a red and white bag.

  11. An_Outhouse

    Poor Mittens. If he doesn't cater to the bigots he's fucked. If he listens to Mr. Wrong All the Time, he's fucked.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Think about it: Kristol has never NOT been wrong, so there's some horrific, unseen, cataclysmically-backfiring flaw to this seemingly simple and reasonable plan to pander to the fag-haters.

  12. SmutBoffin

    Did Billy K. eat at the Chick-Fil-A yesterday? He probably ate at some rich pundit fancy-place and told the server to "put a pickle on my pterodactyl souffle" or whatever it was he ate.

    He is not just a chickenhawk in matters of war, but a chickenchicken in matters of gastronomy as well.

  13. Tequila Mockingbird

    Dear Penthouse:

    I never thought this could happen to me. First of all, I’m a chicken, and with an occupation such as this, you always meet the most interesting people. One morning, I was greeted at the counter by a human robot! His enormous head, well-defined jaw, pepper-flecked hair, and enormous manframe drove me mad! I could see the dull lust in his eyes. He had all the charm of caffeine-free Diet Coke. I knew we had to have each other.

    Immediately, right there in the restaurant, he put his mouth on me, in front of everyone. Before I knew what was happening, all my dressings were gone – all that sauce and drippings were unnecessary foreplay. Before you know it, I was in his mouth, throbbing and wet. We didn’t even need to say anything. We were like a couple married 30 years who look at each other once a year and say, “Sure, why not,” before turning out the lights and making love in the missionary position with our eyes closed!

    He didn’t say much. I won’t lie – it was like going to prom with my sister. But he was tender, as was I. Afterwards he slapped a ten-thousand-dollar bill on the counter, winked, and left.

      1. widestanceromance

        Exactly! What is that anyway? It's like when I see co-workers drinking instant decaf hazelnut with liquid French Vanilla/sugar-free creaming product. It's just a cup of chemicals that don't even get you off.

  14. ph7

    I kinda hope our next President is decided based on which side of the Chik-Fil-A debate they fall on. Not because I think my guy would win, but because it will again confirm the intractable absurdity of life.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Bill Kristol's still waiting for the next presidential candidate to acknowledge his genius and make him viceroy or grand vizier or something, what with all his effusive ball-licking and third-grade strategy suggestions.

    Wait, wasn't he some president's actual advisor at one point? Nah, that's ridiculous — you'd have to be complete and utter dumbshit to take advice from this entitled smarmy jackass.

  16. Tundra Grifter

    The biggest problem with sending (r)Money to any fast food place is it would take him a month to decide what to eat. He'd keep changing his order until the folks in line behind him started a riot.

  17. OneYieldRegular

    I'm perversely cheered by the fact that conservatism's brand has been reduced to smugly eating a crappy slab of deep-fried processed chicken product.

  18. RedneckMuslin

    Knowing Mitt's handlers, they'll have him go on "Kiss A Member of the Same Sex Day" or "Any Cock'll Do Day"

  19. YouBetcha

    "What is this charming fowl-like delectable? Is that a preserved cucumber I spy under the Pain de Mie? Just charming. Ann, darling, come over here and look at this… What's that? She's where? [forced laughter] Of course, she is overseeing Rafalca's triumph in London. Will someone please hand me a moistened towel? I believe I have some oily substance from our lunch on my hands."

  20. Estproph

    My God I hope he does this. I'd love to see him at a Chick-Fil-A, talking about how the chicken must have come from a 7-11. Let both of them destroy each other…

  21. dcjdjay

    One effete elite douchebag getting his rocks off by thinking of ways another effete elite douchebag can exploit the utter baseness and stupidity of peasants with pitchforks.

  22. Guppy

    use his credit card to pay ahead of time for the next several members of the military who show up for a meal

    Oh hell no.

    I'm sorry, but whatever the merits of this idea to "support The Troops," your average fast food wage slave (let alone one paid in Biblically-mandated shekels) is not paid enough to be financially responsible for someone else's credit card info like that. All you need is for one customer to lie about his medals and everyone within a five mile radius gets sued.

    Why not use cash instead? Or do fiscal conservatives like spending more than they can afford?

    1. chicken_thief

      I doubt that Willard carries cash or credit cards. Too….. common. The places he frequents likely just bill him monthly – no signature required. Because people shouldn't talk about these things.

  23. Lascauxcaveman

    My just-ended, non-political tour of So. Cal makes me recommend the following: Carl's Jr.

    Sonic is pretty good, too. In & Out was OK, except for the really dry fries. (C'mon you people, fries are supposed to be greasy.)

    I would have tried the Chik Fil A, but I heard they only serve paranoid homophobes, and I don't really qualify.

  24. anniegetyerfun

    Richard Dreyfuss's overweight brother is right, you guys. It would be fantastic if Romney ate a chicken sandwich to make a political point. Especially since Romney obviously doesn't give a flying fuck about things like gay marriage, but has to suck up to all the homophobic haters in this country in order to make political headway.

  25. fuflans

    what is liz glover up to anyways?

    those were always fine times – waiting and waiting for the video to load to see the lovely lady take on some right wing gross out death monster.

    1. chascates

      She towered over Michele Bachmann and a lot of people she interviewed. I wonder if her sister is still some GOP party-thrower or whatever it was.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    That video. Wow. Just wow. I won't be surprised to hear about anomolous seismograph disturbances in the vicinity of Jimi Hendrix's grave up there in Seattle.

    1. bobbert

      Yeah. What a selection. Although they did astutely cut it off before the bombs and machineguns and shit.

  27. pdiddycornchips

    This election could be decided on the basis of who eats more deep fried bird carcasses and for what reason.

  28. BornInATrailer

    I'm assuming jokes about, in this case Mitt, performing Chick-Fil-Atio have already been done.

  29. OldWhiteLies

    Mmmhmm. Rmoney at CFA. Won't this cause a vortex of FAIL that could level numerous surrounding city blocks?

    But I suppose depending upon where it happens, mebbe no one will notice.

  30. Edith_Prickly

    Oh, that's a good one! Isn't MItt the guy who pulls the cheese off his pizza, takes the middle bun out of his Big Macs and only eats muffin tops because he believes all the unhealthy stuff soaks down into the stump? I'm sure his numbers will soar when he appears on the news picking all the breading off his filet of deep-fried Soylent Chicken and eating it without the top bun. Check the wall behind you Bill, that brain-shart may have left a stain.

  31. BlueStateLibel

    Kristol's an even bigger fool for thinking that Mitt Rmoney would ever buy a free lunch for anyone – Rmoney's idea of a good time would be to show up a Chik-fil-what?, fire everyone and throw pennies at them while they're leaving.

  32. MonkeyMotion

    In my fantasy, Bill Kristol is hacked to death by Big Bird with a dull rusty meat cleaver.

  33. timbo71351

    Bill Kristol is a rancid dickbag. I'm amazed he can go out in public without people throwing rotten garbage at him.

  34. chicken_thief

    "…[Sarah Palin, who] he met during a Weekly Standard cruise one time and enjoyed."

    I hope Tawd takes this news better than he did the Glenn Rice thing….

  35. Eve8Apples

    Romney at a Chik-fil-A?

    Chik-fil-A employee: "Welcome to Chik-fil-A Mr. Romney. It is pleasure to meet you, sir! What can I get for you?

    Romney: "I'll have your coq-au-vin with a side of new asparagous shoots covered in hollandaise sauce and a glass of your finest Chardonnay. "

    Chik-fil-A employee: "You wanna do what to my cock in your van?!?!?! Sir, I'm sorry but this is not that kind of place. We don't like the queers around here. And none of us here have Aspergers."

  36. Wilcoxyz

    I hope as the Commander in Chief, Obama goes and claims one of these "tasty" Chick-fil-A freedom meals purchased by Kristol for the troops. And then I hope he gives it to a drag queen in a wedding dress.

  37. lochnessmonster

    Okay I've been on the drugz the past couple daze after surgery and wonder where I woke up? Chicken fingers and all what not? Or is it chicken Kristol meth they gave me?

  38. Toomush_Infer

    Now, am I right about this? – aren't these chickens given a lot of estrogen hormones in their short dietary lives?….

  39. barto

    I bet Mitt might even be able to handle such a campaign stop. Just keep shoving fil-A into his piehole so he can't say anything, handlers.

    I said "might".

  40. DahBoner

    I'm guessing Bill orders his Hate Sauce on the side?

    Then, like Fuck this shit and throws away the CHIKen sammich, and downs the sauce like a shot????

  41. bikerlaureate

    I could be wrong, but this article almost reads like they let Rmoney back into the country.

  42. tessiee

    "he could so just go to one, and smile, and everyone would think he was a badass."

    Oh, dear; Kristol's apparently got Romney confused wtih Bruce Campbell.

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