Bolivia Expels Coca-Cola Because of the Apocalypse

  but what about chick-fil-a?

the War SodaSometimes your Wonkette gets so carried away lamenting the ills of American politics that we ignore the bigger picture: The Mayan Apocalypse is coming at the end of the year, and then we won’t have to worry about any of this. Has our government made preparations for the country’s afterlife? It’s time they got a jump on that, like Bolivia has. Bolivia’s foreign minister, Ken Layne David Choquehuanca — he’s all about the Mayan Apocalypse. In his view it won’t be so much an apocalypse-apocalypse, just an apocalypse of U.S. capitalists meddling in their business. And so he’s announced that in the New Times, Bolivians will no longer be allowed to drink Coca-Cola. They will drink this peach thing or another “fizzy” drink instead.

Via HuffPo:

In what is being called a “symbolic rejection of US capitalism,” Bolivia has announced that it will be marking the end of the Mayan calendar with the expulsion of the Coca-Cola Company from the country.

“December 21 of 2012 will be the end of egoism and division. December 21 should be the end of Coca-Cola,” Bolivian foreign minister David Choquehuanca said earlier this month, according to Russian news agency, RT.

This is a significant move for Bolivia — who will join Myanmar, North Korea and Cuba as the only countries in the world that are coke-free, Yahoo! News notes.

Unlike the doomsayers who have predicted the apocalypse to occur on Dec. 21, Choquehuanca said he is optimistic that the end of the Mayan calendar will usher in a new and more progressive era — one that will see “the end of hatred and the beginning of love.”

“The planets will align for the first time in 26,000 years and this is the end of capitalism and the beginning of communitarianism,” he said, adding that the people of Bolivia should opt to drink Mocochinchi — a local peach-flavored drink — as an alternative to Coke products, Russian newspaper Pravda reports.

Well, that’s one very longwinded way of saying that you’re trying to protect domestic industry:

What the minister failed to mention, however, is the Bolivian government’s other drink of choice — a fizzy energy drink called “Coca-Colla” — was given the stamp of approval by Bolivian president Evo Morales.

All hail the coming post-capitalist two-l’d soda pop knockoff era!

[HuffPo via Felix Salmon]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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158 comments

  1. actor212

    All hail the coming post-capitalist two-l’d soda pop knockoff era!

    Dollctor Pepper.

    Pllepsi (which probably gives you uncontrollable shakes)

    Slleven Up

      1. CapnFatowls

        You know what, I just spied the tip-top of the post. Newell had us both dead to rights.

  2. CapnFatowls

    However, sales of Chick-Fil-A in Bolivia will continue unabated.

    EDIT: Since Radio is cleverer than me by two minutes, here's a "wacky definition" update, so you don't have to read this comment and think, "Fuck that poser."

    unabated: Having performed mutual masturbation.

    THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

    . . .

    You still thought, "Fuck that poser," didn't you?

      1. CapnFatowls

        Perish the thought; I never drink caffeine! I get all of my soft drink refreshment from that Bolivian original, Sllice.

  3. chascates

    As long as it has actual cocaine in it I don't care what it tastes or looks like. One liter, please.

  4. MumbletyInFlight

    or another “fizzy” drink

    I will hold off further opinion til I see what commenter Mr. Fizzy has to say about this.

    He has been kvetching about his pee score not rising quickly enough so he better hurry the fuck up.

    1. Extemporanus

      Heydare, Peg! How's your Cute Avatar Theory playing out?

      (Mr. Fizzy: Regularly leaving lazy comments that are just unattributed re-tweets is apparently a winning strategy now for some inexplicable reason — you should try that and see if you garner a similar response.)

      1. MumbletyAvian

        There *is* a special person in my avi! may she rest in peace when not stirring up trouble in the hereafter. And another 'person' named within my profile blurblet, he whose vestigial nomenclature's echoing around these corridors outpaces his ability to manifest his hornbeaked, winged presence here. Our friend is sober one [1] year today August FIRST!!1!, and as I attempted earlier to incorporate his handle into mine, the avian-that-shan't-be-spoken triggered a spamfilter, thus rendering me frozen-out of here for a few sobriety-inducing moments. Which was educational, for now I've experienced how he feels in *more* ways that one!
        Humbly,
        Mumbletysomething

        1. Charlie_Foxtrot

          Happy Happy Happy One-Year Birthday to your friend! That is tremendous.

          The Un-Sober may not realize how on-topic a one-year sobriety birthday is. In my first year sober I was a one-man market segment for Dr. Pepper. And I ate about 3 gallons of ice cream a day.

          1. MumbletyAvian

            What you just said. Much the case, as described to me by numerous family and friends demonstrating thus the power of restraint, and discipline — enviable qualities these days. The extra calories and carbs can be exercised away. The damage done by habitual, unmitigated drinking — not so readily.

          2. Charlie_Foxtrot

            If I had known I was going to stay sober this long I'd have been working a stronger program.

          3. RadioBowels

            We have to give Owls a cyber chip. I would definitely go to his celebration speaker meeting.

          4. Huitzapochtli

            Thanks for coming, Charlie. There's Chexmix over there by the hi-fi and agua gaseosa in the cooler. Here, have a party favor! *phweeee!* What? No, no ice cream and none of that abominable Dr. Pepper swill either. Don't want us all to lose our girlish figures now, do we?

        2. Extemporanus

          She's a corker of an angel, I've little doubt — thanks for sharing. (Even if you only did so to test our recent hypothesis that one could emotionally manipulate others into more frequently fisting them solely by having a cute, rather than obtuse, avatar. *wink wink*)

          Regarding you honorific nom de guere, I noticed the mid-day change and briefly wondered What Up, Yo? I'm glad you made it out the other side, though saddened that a certain word did not. I remember one year ago today quite well, as we had a back-and-worth before he officially got back on the nest, and I shared words of drunken encouragement in the days that immediately followed. I hope that he continues to fly right — this joint clearly wasn't helping in that regard. (I trust that our friend Radio knows better when and how to take a little break now and then, as well…)

          1. RadioBowels

            Eyes here my friend. Clean and sober. And taking frequent walks down the Layne. There is a place, other than here, where the avian soars.
            I hope you see that feathered friend.
            Radiosomething

          2. Extemporanus

            Haha, right after I hit submit on my last reply to rebirthday boy, my apartment's main fuse blew! Had to wait until this morning to replace it. This can only mean one thing: The Mayan Apocalypse is nigh.

            I's had my ayes on you, and eye've found your recent stabilized readings to be totally rad. It's nice to know that there's at least one other person who remembers Ken's koan — birdbrain pinned it on me, and I never got around to plucking him for it:

            "I hate to seem like a drama queen with these Exto-labeled 'long walks' away…"

            Walk out with yer cock out, my brother…

          3. MittBorg

            Forgive me, y'all, for being so slow. I'm only now beginning to understand the degree of manipulativeness behind the cutesy. Upfists all around.

        1. Extemporanus

          They're magically fistlicious!

          (The best part? The attributed original wasn't even original, either!)

          By the by, I've been meaning to sincerely thank you for days now for the words you shared with Pris on the pink page — I agree across the board. So, um…thank you.

          (I do need to talk to him about the "negotiation" comment — we've always been super cool with each other, so I'm not sure where that's coming from. Just need to need find a time & place for a discreet tête-à-tête…)

          Oh yeah, also, too: Happy belated Birfday, big boy!

          1. CapnFatowls

            Lately Ive been daydreaming about attending a Battle of the Bands. I get to hear many great acts, but hell if it ain't the Who cover band that gets the highest score on the applause-o-meter. The result makes me wish we'd just thrust our hands back in our pockets. I wonder what that means?

            I was going to ask how you knew I was big, until I remembered my screen name. I kinda imply ample magnitude, don't I? Well, remember: it's all about the girth, not the length, Stilts.

            And you and Pris are good peeps; you'll hash it out over a couple of snifters of Cutty Snark, no doubt.

            Thanks for the birthday wishes. My dream was realized by a celebratory pie fight (a la the rejected Dr. Strangelove ending). It's a waste of food, but a hilarious one, and rinsing off never tasted so good.

  5. Dudleydidwrong

    "I'd like to teach the world to sing
    In perfect harmony
    I'd like to hold it in my arms
    And keep it company
    (That's the song I hear…)
    I'd like to see the world for once
    All standing hand in hand
    And hear them echo through the hills
    For peace throughout the land
    (CHORUS)
    Mocochinchi, it's the real th…."

    "Christ! Who wrote these damn lyrics?"

    1. fuflans

      Elevator! Going up!
      In the gleaming corridors of the 51st floor
      The money can be made if you really want some more
      Executive decision-a clinical precision
      Jumping from the windows-filled with indecision

      I get good advice from the advertising world
      Treat me nice says the party girl
      Koke adds life where there isn't any
      So freeze, man, freeze

      It's the pause that refreshes in the corridors of power
      When top men need a top up long before the happy hour
      Your snakeskin suit and your alligator boot
      You won't need a launderette, you can send them to the vet!

  6. ThankYouJeebus

    Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid just jumped off a cliff.

    (40-year-old Pop Culture References for $200, Alex.)

    1. deanbooth

      I was in Memphis when the movie came out. Apparently, Butch and SK yelled "shiiiiiiiit" as they jumped off the cliff, and there were stirrings in the Memphis government to ban the movie or any movie that used words "referring to excrement." There was much debate about what word they were actually yelling.

  7. MadBrahms

    Let's see, Bolivia, Mayans, "end of egoism and division", "beginning of love"… someone just got high and read a copy of The Celestine Prophecies before a press conference, I think.

    1. actor212

      Dammit! THAT was the one I was trying to remember! Also known as yagé.

      It's legal in the Santo Daime church, which almost makes me want to attend services again.

    2. Angry_Marmot

      Stay away from the reptiles and the insects if they try to speak to you. The jaguars usually know what they're talking about, but the tapirs just want to borrow money.

  8. Ducksworthy

    In other Latin American news, the crypto-Facist Opus Dei in the Vatican (where they have been preserving Mussolini living testicles since 1944) has sanctioned the Peruvian national catholic university, forbidding it to call itself Catholic on account of teaching.

    1. IndianaKevin

      Or IS it? (Zoom in on my eyes as I cock one eyebrow and stare directly into camera. Fade to black. Roll credits. Reach for a cool, refreshing Mocochinchi.)

  9. KeepFnThatChicken

    The planets will align for the first time in 26,000 years and this is the end of capitalism and the beginning of communitarianism

    As an amateur astronomer, and knowing where the planets will be on 12/21, I'd say Bolivia needs more science than the United States.

      1. KeepFnThatChicken

        I want to visit the Atacama desert, big time. Apparently you can rent a scope if you visit some certain observatory. *swooooon*

  10. Tequila Mockingbird

    *scratches head*

    In 2009, I spent six weeks backpacking La Ruta Maya (Mayan Route) of Central America, from San Cristobal de las Casas to Tulum, hitting up half a dozen ancient ruins sites along the way. I asked every one of my tour guides "What will happen on December 21, 2012?" and every one of them said "Absolutely nothing."

    Also, Coca Cola got its name from cocaine, and the world's entire cocaine crop comes from… yeah, I haz a confused.

    1. bobbert

      Well, the replacement is still named Coca Colla, and that rhymes with Coca Polla, which would be an excellent name for a fizzy drink.

  11. weejee

    / Steve King in a fit of imperialistic pique tears-off his wristwatch, throws it to the dirt, and drives over it with a Quad John Deere.

    / Steve starts to cry when he finds out that Bulova watches are not made in Bolivia.

  12. OneYieldRegular

    I eagerly await Michele Bachmann's call to arms about how this will open up the Bolivian soft drink market to Mecca-Cola.

  13. Mittens Howell, III

    Send the Fundies down to guzzle Bolivia's Coca Cola supply!

    They're probably thirsty after today's Totally Not-Gay Fried Chicken Orgy For Jeesus.

  14. Guppy

    The planets will align for the first time in 26,000 years

    How's that space program coming along?

  15. Comrade Wingtardd

    Doesn't Bolivia know the Cola Wars ended in the 80's? They're like those island-trapped Japanese soldiers who still thought WW2 was going on when they were rescued forty years later …

  16. Woodshedding

    This is excellent news and I'm sorry to hear this forum is brainwashed
    enough to make fun of it.

    1. actor212

      Yes, because we should only make fun of things from the right wing, and be completely serious, people, about bullshit from the left.

      Accurate enough for ya?

  17. Beowoof

    Don't you know this is the reason we spend more on defense than the next 12 countries combined. Now get the Marines ready to go in and defend the free market from the socialists.

  18. HateMachine

    I can't believe I keep forgetting that Cuba has no Coca-Cola. The fuck do they put all the rum in?

      1. HateMachine

        That'll get the job done, generally.

        Still, it is beyond weird that you can't get a drink (cuba libre) in the nation it is named for. Nothing beats real life and history for weird, I guess.

  19. CthuNHu

    President Morales referred all questions to the lovely and intelligent Bolivian Senator from La Paz, Michelle Bachmann.

  20. Rotundo_

    Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper are still allowed for humanitarian purposes (breakfasts for fat American touristas).

  21. SoBeach

    They like their Coke in Bolivia. Wonder if this will last.

    (BTW That picture you see next to my posts? I took that in Bolivia. Yay me.)

  22. SoBeach

    Coca tea and coca sodas are legal and ubiquitous in Bolivia. Do they really need neutered Coca-Cola?

  23. horsedreamer_1

    How can Bolivia be against high sugar drinks when their capital is called "Sweetwater"?

  24. WhatTheHeck

    The Bolivian foreign minister got tired of sniffing coke and having the bubbles get up his nose.

  25. tessiee

    Any other old farts who remember that this was a National Lampoon story ("Che Guevara's Bolivian Diaries") way back when?

  26. Negropolis

    In retaliation, Hillary Clinton has banned in the American afterlife whatever the fuck Bolivia is famous for like….Lake Titicaca or some shit.

  27. dopper0189

    No offense but Bolivia is hardly Coke free they are a major supplier of it.

    Oh my bad, didn't realize you meant Coca-Cola!

Comments are closed.