LIKE PEARL HARBOR 9/11 AND YOSHINOYA  3:35 pm August 1, 2012

Actual United States Congressmen: Free Birth Control Sinks Their Battleships

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Just like slutsRemember in 1990, when conservatives shrieked and moaned about the threat to religious freedom that was the Supreme Court upholding a ban on Native Americans’ sacramental Tripping Off of the Balls? You don’t? That is because those people were Indians. But today? Today, Aug. 1, 2012, is a Day That Shall Live in Infamy. This is the day that American women, with their slutty whorish terrorism, and Pill-taking even when their employers don’t want them to, became a living atrocity greater than Pearl Harbor or 9/11. Actual sitting United States congressmen said so. They said it with their mouths. In front of people. Are you happy now, womyn? ARE YOU?

“I know in your mind you can think of the times America was attacked,” said Rep. Mike Kelly (R-Pa.), a freshman. “One is December 7 — that is Pearl Harbor Day. Another was September 11 — that was the day of the terrorist attack. I want you to remember August 1, 2012 — the attack on our religious freedom. That is a date that will live in infamy, along with those other dates.”

This is what happens when you let K-Lo continue to have a job. All of a sudden, half the country is in agreement that religious liberty means never having to let anyone else do anything you don’t want them to. If anything it just makes too much sense!

But what is going on in places where the Catholic Church has been successful in making sure birth control is out of reach? Let us read, together, this long passage from the LA Times, about the Philippines!

Yolanda Naz’s daily scramble had begun. Peddling small shampoo packets in the shantytown of San Andres, she raced to earn enough money to feed her eight children.

She went door to door in the sweltering heat, charming and cajoling neighbors into parting with a few pesos. After several hours, she had scrounged enough to buy a kilo of rice, a few eggs and a cup of tiny shrimp.

“My husband and I skip lunch if there is no money,” Naz said as she dished rice and shrimp sauce into eight plastic bowls in the 10-by-12-foot room where the family eats and sleeps.

This was not the life Naz wanted. She and her husband, who sells coconut drinks from a pushcart, agreed early in their marriage to stop at three children. Though a devout Catholic, she took birth control pills in defiance of priests’ instructions at Sunday Mass.

But after her third child was born, the mayor of Manila — with the blessing of Roman Catholic bishops — halted the distribution of contraceptives at public clinics to promote “a culture of life.” The order put birth control pills and other contraceptives out of reach for millions of poor Filipinos, who could not afford to buy them at private pharmacies.

“For us, the banning of the pills was ugly,” Naz said. “We were the ones who suffered.”

At 36, she had more children than teeth, common for poor women after repeated pregnancies and breast-feeding.

Undernourished and living in close quarters, her children were often sick. Measles was sweeping through the shantytown, afflicting two of Naz’s sons and her 3-year-old daughter, Jasmine, who hung like a rag doll from her mother’s arms.

“I pray to God. I pray really, really hard,” she said. “Should God decide to take my kids, just don’t let them suffer.”

Fuckin’ A. Total whore.

[TheHill/LAT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 193 comments }

Designer_Rants August 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm

That guy should take pills for The Crazy.

AbandonHope August 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Yeah, preferably some sort of cyanide derivative.

With votes, or something… whatever… nah, screw it, what I'm saying is this guy should poison himself.

Pres.Beeblebrox August 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Kelly is a certified Crazy. The funny thing is, he represents part of the district in PA that Tom Ridge had back when he was a Congressman….and say what you will about his time at Homeland Seekurity, Ridge was a pretty moderate Congresscreature and Governor of PA, which means he couldn't get elected as a GOP Precinct Captain now.

Callyson August 1, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I would edit your comment by cutting out the last three words of your sentence, but then I would be in violation of Rules for Radicals. So I will have to STFU instead…

Barb_ August 1, 2012 at 3:39 pm

It's the women who "pleasure fuck" who are ruining this great nation.

YouBetcha August 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

My bad.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Ladies, we'll need to test this theory of yours. My place. I have wine.

memzilla August 1, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Names, plz. Names 'n emails, ktnxbai.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Yahooo IM IDs will suffice, in a pinch.

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

But Pleasure Fucking is encouraged by the Professional Fucking Association's "Fuck 60" campaign!

BoatOfVelociraptors August 1, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I believe the correct phrase is "rocking this nation".

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 1, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Hey, hey, hey…let's not be too hasty here. Oh sure these douchebags go out in public and say these idiotic condemnations to appeal to the Francisco Franco type of rightwing Catholic and the Church of Germany Protestants, but let's not forget: wingnut states are the biggest consumers of porn. That study doesn't exactly state which gender of porn that the porn is…my personal view is any guy who thinks women shouldn't feel pleasure during sex is either hung like a Ken doll or gayer than Lindsey Graham eating the special sauce at Chick-Fil-A.

Oh and side note…ladies who do pleasure fuck…no worries, sure wingnuts may consider you demonic but I totally accept and encourage women to pleasure fuck with me. Consider my apartment your sanctuary….

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Huh? I'm going to be attacked by sluts today? I'm waiting!

Barb_ August 1, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Supermodels and bombshells away!

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I will greet them as liberators!

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Don't retreat! Reload!

Negropolis August 2, 2012 at 2:27 am

If your magazine clip lasts for more than four hours, consult your physician.

BaldarTFlagass August 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Ooh, I hope me too! Gonna go gird my loins, just in case!

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

The attacks have already begun!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nijVBbTdcec

Steverino247 August 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

"And don't fuck any of those sluts." You heard it on the news, dude.

UW8316154 August 1, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I love you for that!

BlueStateLibel August 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I'll be covertly giving your Wonkette comments "the eye" from the safety of my PC workstation. Enjoy!

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

They came in low, out of the sun…we never stood a chance!

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Tori! Tori! Tori!

Negropolis August 2, 2012 at 2:27 am

ROTFLMAO!

duckellis August 1, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Also, just a heads up — Mike Kelly's Facebook page is completely open to comments.

Even his pictures. Have at it. Looks like someone just crapped all over his entire gallery of photos from today's speech.

Come here a minute August 1, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Today is also like Gettysburg, and Rep. Mike Kelly will be remembered for having delivered the new Gettysburg Address.

HempDogbane August 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

And today is the 5th anniversary of the 35W bridge falling down, which was caused by T-Paw pleasure fucking too much and gusset plate inspecting too little !

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 1, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Between this and the chick-fil-a post, the wonkettes are actually making me nauseous. I have to go sit down.

emmelemm August 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Stop.This.World. I wanna get off.

That is not a double entendre. I literally want to get off this world.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 1, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Tired of earth? Try one of these! http://www.nasa.gov/exploration/systems/sls/sls1….

Wadisay August 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

This site is sacred! Kiss my ass!

AbandonHope August 1, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Okay, I call it: Rebecca is officially embittered enough now to rival Ken Layne. Congratulations!

JustPixelz August 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

This stuff must give her a headache. Maybe she needs an aspirin.

YouBetcha August 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Between her knees?

AbandonHope August 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I think that was implied.

YouBetcha August 1, 2012 at 3:46 pm

That's an off-label use. It should be spelled out, especially for the libruls.

anniegetyerfun August 1, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Between the knees, you mean.

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Nope. No thoughts of suicide or depression here.

AbandonHope August 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I don't know, between this and the last post, it would hit me pretty hard, if I didn't already take pills for that…

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 3:54 pm

She better last until September 13, is all I'm saying.

deanbooth August 1, 2012 at 4:08 pm

In Ken's version, the children die, but not before suffering.

Guppy August 1, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Gin and whiskey for everyone!

swordfis August 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

It's worse than if Hitler himself took down the WTC panel by glass panel.

AbandonHope August 1, 2012 at 3:47 pm

With an army of unwed mothers!

swordfis August 1, 2012 at 4:23 pm

!!! On the other hand, Allen Ginsberg and a bunch of other antiwar hippies tried to levitate the Pentagon by chanting. If they had had more unwed mothers they probably could have done it.

johnnyzhivago August 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I saw on the internet that if you play the tape backward, at ultra low speed, that's EXACTLY what did happen.

swordfis August 1, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Great

memzilla August 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Just when you think the Rethuglicans have alienated the wimmenz' vote in every possible way, a new Tardenspieler comes up to the microphone with a fresh 'dis.

YouBetcha August 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Fuck you, asshole. Fuck you for comparing a terrorist attack to widespread availability of contraceptives, you mindless, overwrought douche.

AbandonHope August 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Why stop there, Representative Kelly? This is the greatest world tragedy since the Rape of Nanking.

See? Rape? See what I did there? Now you go!

Not_So_Much August 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Going out on a limb here — Mike Kelly, Tea Party freshman?

fuflans August 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

well white catholic over 50, former football player, bought his father's chevy dealership.

same thing right?

sewollef August 1, 2012 at 5:09 pm

He's still an unpleasant twat.

horsedreamer_1 August 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Under 80?

He's a GOP Young Gun!

mavenmaven August 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Learn from the Catholic Church- if you only molest children, you won't need the devil's birth control pills!

emmelemm August 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Boy children, natch.

BaldarTFlagass August 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

It's a "culture of life," alright. A shitty life.

finallyhappy August 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Of course, on those days we were merely attacked in a physical way- thousands of people died. Today what with the Chick a Fil a protests and the birth control mandate- we are all dead – what with women not having babies and gay people wanting to get married.

GuyClinch August 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Would that Rep. Kelly's mother had been a bit more vigilant with her own birth control

IncenseDebate August 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Mike Kelly is fat and ugly. That's the birth control he uses.

Crank_Tango August 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm

This is worse than when Josef Manson Hitler boycotted that chicken place I have never seen anywhere.

prommie August 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm

You know I have never seen one either, that I recall. I have seen the signs, thats all.

Schmannnity August 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Catholic Church doctrine on contraception impregnable, unlike its adherents.

Jus_Wonderin August 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I think these rightwingers exaggerate sometimes.

YouBetcha August 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Lil' bit.

CthuNHu August 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Why are you Hitler?

HogeyeGrex August 1, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Literally.

Maman August 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Who exactly are these sluts cavorting with, pray tell?

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Are you trying to imply that men have some role in this? That's Un-American!!

YouBetcha August 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Other sluts, natch. Which is why we should all eat more Chick-Fil-A today, to fight the lesbian invasion, also too.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Wait…what is this "fight" you speak of? If by "fight", you mean "pop popcorn and pull up a comfy chair to watch," then I'm all in.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm

The unsuspecting innocent tumescent.

I mean, there I was, walking along, minding my own business with my hard dick in my hand….

EDIT: massive hard dick…

MosesInvests August 1, 2012 at 3:54 pm

And why isn't it with me?

Steverino247 August 1, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Well, it's not me. Damnit!

Negropolis August 2, 2012 at 2:31 am

Silly, slutty men can't be sluts; only slutty wimmenz can be sults.

northernbassist August 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

October 26, 2001 (the day the U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T act was signed into law) is the real Day Which Will Live In Douchbaggery–today's just a Wednesday.

Baconzgood August 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I'd just like to point out (because Baconz talks about Baconz's EX Father-in-law's douchbaggery) that this ass hat is the Representative for Baconz's EX Father-in-law's district.

anniegetyerfun August 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

"All of a sudden, half the country is in agreement that religious liberty means never having to let anyone else do anything you don’t want them to."

This. I am printing this on every surface of everything I own.

noodlesalad August 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Sorry to disappoint Rep. Kelly, but my religious freedom to oppress womenfolk has been underway since August 26, 1920, when Tennessee ratified the 19th amendment, making it the law of the land. This clearly contradicts the bible which says we should have kings and, in case of democracy, make sure the ladies just let the menfolk make the tough choices, having those weak Eve-tendencies and all.

BaldarTFlagass August 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

"I want you to remember August 1, 2012 — the attack on our religious freedom. That is a date that will live in infamy, along with those other dates"

I guess Congressman Kelly isn't down with the Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day, either.

Billmatic August 1, 2012 at 3:46 pm

This is the worst thing to happen to America since liberals stopped eating at Chick-Fil-A.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I'm sorry, I must have missed the stories today about steeples toppling over in a firey conflagration of bombs and airplane fuel…

SayItWithWookies August 1, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Really. If I'd heard about that, I'd've gotten some cake and beer.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 3:56 pm

But really gay beer, in support of Chick-fil-A

fartknocker August 1, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Why is providing access to contraception and medical care for women is in any way comparable to 9-11-2001 or the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor? Another neocon goat fucker bloviating utter horse shit.

JustPixelz August 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

What he apparently means is "those attacks were no worse than democratically enacted legislation". I'm sure the 9/11 families will appreciate where their loss fits into Kelly's moral scale.

elburritodeluxe August 1, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Life, baby! The devil's filthy, hateful condoms are for the wealthy!

JustPixelz August 1, 2012 at 3:48 pm

"I want you to remember August 1, 2012 — the attack on our religious freedom."

I thought that happened on June 13, 2012 when Michele Bachmann attacked her fellow Americans for being Muslim.

MacRaith August 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

If we're going to answer ridiculous hyperbole with ridiculous hyperbole, I can now accuse Rep. Kelly of treason for dishonoring the memory of the 9/11 victims. Somebody dispatch the US Marshalls to arrest that traitor right now.

BaldarTFlagass August 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

When I was young, and ever since, my father has always told me that "95% of the people in this world are fucking assholes." The longer I live, the more I think he was/is being generous.

sharethegrief August 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

No snark here. There are millions of Yolandas in our world. May Mike Kelly, the Catholic Church and every evangelical crumble into a pile of dust.

HistoriCat August 1, 2012 at 5:15 pm

During the Middle Ages the popes would do things like wash beggars' feet as a mark of humility. I can't imagine the Nazi Pope doing anything so lowly as to actually interact with human beings who are just hanging on.

In other words, he can shove his fucking Prada shoes up his ass. The Yolandas of the world deserve so much more than those assholes in the Catholic Church are willing to let them have.

sharethegrief August 1, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Remember Pope John Paul11? He visited Haiti in the 80's and warned the people of the evils of birth control. Nevermind that Haiti was and remains the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. And he was the "good" Pope. I hate those fucking men draped in their lacy dresses sitting on untold piles of wealth.. As one of my favorite songs by XTC goes:
Peter Pumpkinhead came to town
Spreading wisdom and cash around
Fed the hungry and housed the poor
Showed the Vatican what gold's for

aussiefromafar August 2, 2012 at 8:39 am

Everytime the Yolandas of this world have to endure another childbirth His Holiness Pope Hitler gets another jewel to add to his collection of baubles.
He's really the chief fudge packer at the Vat.

MumbletyAvian August 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

halted the distribution of contraceptives at public clinics to promote “a culture of life.”

Somewhere in Arizona, no, Tampa no, all -of-'em-Katie: a plurality of conserva-vultures are fapping to this story.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Using Chick-fil-A grease as lube.

vasty_derp August 1, 2012 at 4:10 pm

But they will not ejaculate, because that would be destroying life…

SayItWithWookies August 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

It takes a complete fucking douchebag not to understand that when we prevent the government from fucking with people's reproductive rights it isn't just to allow the fucking church to do so. Today, Mike Kelly, you are that complete fucking douchebag.

SorosBot August 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

This assault on religious freedom has been going on much longer; for example, I used to work for a firm where the senior partners were Jewish, yet spent some of the money they paid me on bacon cheeseburgers, and on doing things between sundowns on Fridays and Saturdays.

Billmatic August 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Well, as long as they didn't roll.

BaldarTFlagass August 1, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Shomer Shabbos!

vasty_derp August 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

One of the nicer things about Jews is that they are refreshingly free of evangelistic tendencies, and will usually try to dissuade potential converts. The kosher ones may not be too thrilled if you treyf their kitchens, though…

vasty_derp August 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Stupud me- I thought Aug 1 2012 was a day that would like in infamy because so many fundies would get clogged arteries & hypertension from eating too much Chik-Fil-A…

emmelemm August 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Which would cause them to need more medical care, which would be more readily provided to them to the ACA, which is the true cause of this day of infamy.

Irony!

vasty_derp August 1, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Especially ironic if teh fast food diet & avoidance of teh socialist medicine causes 'em to expire before Election Day…

Baconzgood August 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Now now people. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. He doesn't KNOW that he's as stupid as a sack of ball bearings.

Goonemeritus August 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm

“I know in your mind you can think of the times America was attacked,”

I’m going with November 2nd 2010. It’s the day we agreed that statesmanship and intellect have no place in government.

HogeyeGrex August 1, 2012 at 4:08 pm
StealthMuslin August 1, 2012 at 3:53 pm

It's all part of Philippine Exceptionalism and we could use a little of it here!

pdiddycornchips August 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Maybe it's not such a good idea to let a criminal syndicate of pedophiles set health care policy for the rest of us.

Steverino247 August 1, 2012 at 4:24 pm

May this dork be asked that question by a member of the press immediately.

SorosBot August 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

"But what is going on in places where the Catholic Church has been successful in making sure birth control is out of reach?"

Let's not forget the Church's good works in Africa, making sure people don't fall into the sin of using condoms just to prevent the spread of AIDS! Better for millions to die of a horrific preventable disease than avoid pregnancy by wrapping your dick.

pdiddycornchips August 1, 2012 at 4:04 pm

An army of Sandusky's set forth from Rome to rid the world of latex cock wrappers, causing untold suffering for millions of the worlds most vulnerable people, all in the name of Jesus.

emmelemm August 1, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Because… The Bible!

barto August 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Isn't "sport fucking" in the Olympics this year? Phillipines gonna take the gold, baby!

AbandonHope August 1, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Uh, what channel is that on again? My.. um.. research… I… look, just tell me the damned channel.

HistoriCat August 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm

NBC isn't covering that since there are no Americans competing. You can watch the second third fourth interview Ryan Seacrest has with Michael Phelps instead!

BaldarTFlagass August 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Today is a day that will live infamy: The day the deck guy came by and gave me an estimate that was way too high. Also, today was the day that my pool guy told me I was going to need a new pump motor for the swimming pool filter.

Jus_Wonderin August 1, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I lowered the flag in my office to half mast.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

We'll hold a telethon. Kanye can say Obama hates pool people.

BornInATrailer August 1, 2012 at 4:12 pm

"I'm not concerned so much for the pool people."

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Meanwhile Doktor Zoom sits, smug and satisfied, on his Vlad The Impala Repairs Wad.

BaldarTFlagass August 1, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Plus he's no doubt rolling, a la Scrooge McDuck, in the piles of filthy lucre he's been harvesting for moonlighting as a Wonkette staffer.

Negropolis August 2, 2012 at 2:37 am

You have a pool!? What a snob!

Baconzgood August 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

You ask someone who attends Catholic church who isn't one of those nut job converts who take the church's doctrines to crazy town, and most will agree that birth control is a non-issue for them.

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I don't understand Catholics.

Baconzgood August 1, 2012 at 4:04 pm

It's easy. You only go to church 2 times a year, do some genuflecting and get a slug of wine and a Necco waifer at the end. The best part is on your death bed you say sorry for all the horrid shit you did in life and go to heaven.

BornInATrailer August 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Wait.. are you saying communion wafers come in different flavors!? Christ was a parfait?

MissTaken August 1, 2012 at 4:12 pm

It's true, and those people piss me off more than the Church hierarchy. Remember, every single penny you stick in the collection plate goes to lobby against the rights of women and the rights of children to not be ass-raped. Playing the "I only go on Easter and Christmas" card is a fucking cop-out. Stand up and say you detest their doctrine full stop.

sharethegrief August 1, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I love that you said that.

viennawoods13 August 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Sweet Jesus. Since when is it an attack on YOUR religious liberty to give someone else the liberty to make up their own fucking mind? But hey, that's the foundation of religious liberty that the USofA was built on- those Puritan pilgrims didn't want liberty for all to practice their religion, just for them to be able to impose their religious beliefs on everyone else. Which would be why they hanged Quakers on Boston Common in 1660. So, good work, asshole, upholding proud American tradition.

FakaktaSouth August 1, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Soooo, my pills are free now? Hmm. I know what I'M doing to celebrate. Way to go free pill pushers, now I'm a whore.

SorosBot August 1, 2012 at 4:00 pm

(Snark mode off) Not quite; starting today insurance has to cover birth control without co-pays, so if you have health insurance, your pills will be free after the next time you renew your policy.

Guppy August 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

How you doin'?

IncenseDebate August 1, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Don't you just want to stand your ground in Florida with Mike Kelly?

PsycWench August 1, 2012 at 3:57 pm

No snark. That story yanked all the snark out of me.

Steverino247 August 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

See your doctor.

Mittens Howell, III August 1, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I don't see any terrorist attack. Is he referring to all the Fundies gorging on chicken and hi-fructose corn syrup? That shit's definitely gonna blow up in the next few hours.

emmelemm August 1, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Every toilet in the South… (or wherever Chick-Fil-A restaurants are most prevalent – none near me, thank FSM)

Wilcoxyz August 1, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I am sorry these sluts are ruining America, and I promise to take one for the team if I see one looking for an innocent bystander to victimize with her fuck-for-pleasure insurgency.

Schmegeg August 1, 2012 at 4:00 pm

In the future, we should ask all congresscritters one question: Did you get laid in College, and was it enjoyable? That should rule out these assholes that want to limit birth control.

Negropolis August 2, 2012 at 2:40 am

Please ask "was it consensusal" I mean, these are Republicans we're talking about. It has to be asked.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 1, 2012 at 4:01 pm

If women are not barefoot and preggers, what good are they?

Baconzgood August 1, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Makin' sandwiches?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 1, 2012 at 5:22 pm

They can do that while preggers. And cleaning the house and everything else. Birth control just gives them the idea that they can leave the house and force us men to do stuff.

SpeedoFart August 1, 2012 at 9:23 pm

*looks down*
*sees protruding belly*
*wiggles toes*
*notices lack of footwear*

Well, fuck me. Barefoot and preggers it is!

Baconzgood August 2, 2012 at 10:21 am

Congrats! Now where's my BLT?

chicken_thief August 1, 2012 at 4:03 pm

What about the day that Viagara was covered by insurance? Is that like the 2nd Worst Day in the History of the USA?

BornInATrailer August 1, 2012 at 4:03 pm

It's like the Democrats are literally flying a plane full of burning bibles* right into the Statue of Liberty's vagina.

*now with added hyperbole

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

McNaughton doesn't work blue.

deanbooth August 1, 2012 at 4:04 pm

8/1 bag of rat dicks, Rep. Mike Kelly.

fuflans August 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

AUGUST 1ST!!

this reminds me i need to change all my calendars.

BlueStateLibel August 1, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Wait, isn't Mike Kelly the guy who writes comics for The Onion? Makes sense now.

BaldarTFlagass August 1, 2012 at 4:08 pm

OT but ooh, my p-ness size increased today! I must have got off a good one at some point.

RadioBowels August 1, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Wait, I haz a confused. I thought today was glorious Chick-Fil-A Hate the Gay Day!!?!

Abernathy August 1, 2012 at 4:08 pm

If this date is indeed living in infamy with those other dates, then it's a slut, too.

Chet Kincaid August 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Nice.

Negropolis August 2, 2012 at 2:41 am

Oh, I think you've won the thread.

This slut has so many dates, and they are all living together in sin. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

JustPixelz August 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

He must mean those deadly attacks are morally equivalent to a democratically enacted law. Makes you wonder what the big deal was at the time.

MissTaken August 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

My mom has a theory that we need to go into countries, including the USA, and yank all the women out for their own protection. I'm starting to think she's on to something.

Steverino247 August 1, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I've proposed that for Afghanistan. If those assholes can't stop pouring acid on schoolgirls, we just move all the females out of the country. In sixty years, we move them back, along with the decent guys they met while they were away. Problem solved.

unclejeems August 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Date? Dates? I had a date once.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

If only there were a proper equivalency between Proper Penis Placement and Proper Plane Placement.

horsedreamer_1 August 1, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Henceforth, the vagina shall be known as "ground zero".

/receive censure from the Michigan legislature

JustPixelz August 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I love the way conservative and RTL'ers talk about the holocaust of the unborn. And yet there are breathing (for now) children in world who are starving to death or dying of disease for whom they haven't a penny to spare. Cut foreign aid, cut food stamps, cut food inspectors. That's how a real death panel operates.

johnnyzhivago August 1, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Al Queda's next attack will surely involve 100 virgins with birth control pills!

Naked_Bunny August 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Remember when Archie Bunker was a satire of conservatives and not someone who was too enlightened to be one?

qwerty42 August 1, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Pearl Harbor? So we are already past the Mukden Incident AND the Panay Incident? Wow. And the Philippines are next. So we can expect a Bataan Death march? I kind of think it would be helpful if these nuts actually had some knowledge of the past … isn't there something that does that? Oh yeah, old movies.

Sharkey August 1, 2012 at 4:23 pm

How do I get in on this "shampoo packet" racket?

TootsStansbury August 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I got nothing so I went on an upfisting rampage. I'll be in bed sobbing the rest of the evening.

Redhead August 1, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I just… 098jndfgopuganweproufhq34ouhopdisufhgoiiadhrsg.
Uggg. How dare I even exist, since everything I, as a woman, do is a mortal sin/some great atrocity to these people – whether it's having sex, not having sex, using birth control, not using birth control and then having babies or an abortion… christ.

HistoriCat August 1, 2012 at 5:25 pm

It's not all your fault. Really we should blame your parents for not smothering you when you were born with no penis.

chascates August 1, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Well I'm from where we still REMEMBER THE ALAMO! so I'm already ahead on my infamy holidaze.

CapnFatowls August 1, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I bet the Catholic church would have far more luck if they dumped the "religious freedom" angle and just called for "Stand Your Holy Ground" laws.

Surely, that would prevent anyone poppin' birth control pills like they were so many Skittles.

DahBoner August 1, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Actually January 20, 1981 was when America was invaded by brain-dead, second-rate actors pretending not to be TaxCut N' Spend ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!

Fraudulently_Joe August 1, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Don't be silly! Slutty sluts slutting it up with contraceptives and breast exams isn't like 9/11; 9/11 happened because of slutty sluts slutting it up with contraceptives and breast exams. Which really means that slutty sluts slutting it up are themselves much more like Al Qaeda, or the deliberate decision to disregard intelligence reports outlining Bin Ladin's determination to strike within the US using commercial airlines and instead go on vacation for two months.

Get your analogies right, asshole!

Nesnora August 1, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Today, after years of being fucked by America, I can finally afford to fuck it back.

And honey, if you're reading this— throw out our aspirin and get your WW2 aviator goggles on…

MiniMencken August 1, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Rebecca: I would have been able to understand this posting much more quickly if you had mentioned that today was the day that the contraception mandate portion of the Affordable Health Act had gone into effect.

Nostrildamus August 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm

If _____________________, then the terrorists will have won.

horsedreamer_1 August 1, 2012 at 6:10 pm

In a family of ten, what quality, let alone sanctity, of life is there?

BZ1 August 1, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Recently posted about the crazies: They are working overtime to restrict rights, taking more and more hardlines against minorities, rigging elections against minorities, working to restrict a woman's reproductive rights, blaming the woes of the country and minorities and for god's sake, teachers, firemen and police and unions. Cozing up to to the ultra wealthy white people who control the money in this country, trying to claim the military is conservative and should have the right to refuse orders from presidents they don't agree with (unless the president is a conservative which then makes you a traitor).

BoroPrimorac August 1, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Mike Kelly should pace himself or he's going to be all drama'ed out when he gets the big middle finger from voters in his purple district.

sudsmckenzie August 1, 2012 at 8:14 pm

This is Not the 'mommy blog' I signed up for.

fishwharf August 1, 2012 at 8:30 pm

All you need to know about catholic priests. http://nobeliefs.com/images/NaziPriestsSaluteHitl

GregComlish August 1, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Loose lips sink ships!

YasserArraFeck August 1, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Religious conservatives are cunts – that's all I have.

Biff August 1, 2012 at 11:42 pm

I'ma start a church and hand out the pill as a fucking sacrament. Religious freedum, bitches!

ttommyunger August 1, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Once more: the more I learn about people, the more I appreciate dogs.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 1, 2012 at 11:56 pm

All I have to say is you birth control poppin' sluts…I salute you. Were it not for the pill (and other means) I might have a truckload of slobberin' little mouthbreathers to raise rather than working my ass off to get into the mid-upper echelon of professional society where I can give the little slugs a good life. So, thank you…and stupid "religious liberty" wingnuts…remember, K-Lo hasn't gotten laid since that time she sat on a bike withou the seat on…hardly a good spokes…uh, thing.

Negropolis August 2, 2012 at 2:19 am

Too Soon!

TribecaMike August 2, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Fishy bit o' trivia: Kelly is the sponsor of H.R.5915, The Research Fairness Act of 2012, "To amend the Fair Labor Standards Act to exempt marketing research participants and mystery shoppers from certain provisions of that Act."

Chet Kincaid August 2, 2012 at 8:28 am

hehe

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