Actual United States Congressmen: Free Birth Control Sinks Their Battleships

  like pearl harbor 9/11 and yoshinoya

Just like slutsRemember in 1990, when conservatives shrieked and moaned about the threat to religious freedom that was the Supreme Court upholding a ban on Native Americans’ sacramental Tripping Off of the Balls? You don’t? That is because those people were Indians. But today? Today, Aug. 1, 2012, is a Day That Shall Live in Infamy. This is the day that American women, with their slutty whorish terrorism, and Pill-taking even when their employers don’t want them to, became a living atrocity greater than Pearl Harbor or 9/11. Actual sitting United States congressmen said so. They said it with their mouths. In front of people. Are you happy now, womyn? ARE YOU?

“I know in your mind you can think of the times America was attacked,” said Rep. Mike Kelly (R-Pa.), a freshman. “One is December 7 — that is Pearl Harbor Day. Another was September 11 — that was the day of the terrorist attack. I want you to remember August 1, 2012 — the attack on our religious freedom. That is a date that will live in infamy, along with those other dates.”

This is what happens when you let K-Lo continue to have a job. All of a sudden, half the country is in agreement that religious liberty means never having to let anyone else do anything you don’t want them to. If anything it just makes too much sense!

But what is going on in places where the Catholic Church has been successful in making sure birth control is out of reach? Let us read, together, this long passage from the LA Times, about the Philippines!

 
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Yolanda Naz’s daily scramble had begun. Peddling small shampoo packets in the shantytown of San Andres, she raced to earn enough money to feed her eight children.

She went door to door in the sweltering heat, charming and cajoling neighbors into parting with a few pesos. After several hours, she had scrounged enough to buy a kilo of rice, a few eggs and a cup of tiny shrimp.

“My husband and I skip lunch if there is no money,” Naz said as she dished rice and shrimp sauce into eight plastic bowls in the 10-by-12-foot room where the family eats and sleeps.

This was not the life Naz wanted. She and her husband, who sells coconut drinks from a pushcart, agreed early in their marriage to stop at three children. Though a devout Catholic, she took birth control pills in defiance of priests’ instructions at Sunday Mass.

But after her third child was born, the mayor of Manila — with the blessing of Roman Catholic bishops — halted the distribution of contraceptives at public clinics to promote “a culture of life.” The order put birth control pills and other contraceptives out of reach for millions of poor Filipinos, who could not afford to buy them at private pharmacies.

“For us, the banning of the pills was ugly,” Naz said. “We were the ones who suffered.”

At 36, she had more children than teeth, common for poor women after repeated pregnancies and breast-feeding.

Undernourished and living in close quarters, her children were often sick. Measles was sweeping through the shantytown, afflicting two of Naz’s sons and her 3-year-old daughter, Jasmine, who hung like a rag doll from her mother’s arms.

“I pray to God. I pray really, really hard,” she said. “Should God decide to take my kids, just don’t let them suffer.”

Fuckin’ A. Total whore.

[TheHill/LAT]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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193 comments

    1. AbandonHope

      Yeah, preferably some sort of cyanide derivative.

      With votes, or something… whatever… nah, screw it, what I'm saying is this guy should poison himself.

    2. Pres.Beeblebrox

      Kelly is a certified Crazy. The funny thing is, he represents part of the district in PA that Tom Ridge had back when he was a Congressman….and say what you will about his time at Homeland Seekurity, Ridge was a pretty moderate Congresscreature and Governor of PA, which means he couldn't get elected as a GOP Precinct Captain now.

    3. Callyson

      I would edit your comment by cutting out the last three words of your sentence, but then I would be in violation of Rules for Radicals. So I will have to STFU instead…

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Hey, hey, hey…let's not be too hasty here. Oh sure these douchebags go out in public and say these idiotic condemnations to appeal to the Francisco Franco type of rightwing Catholic and the Church of Germany Protestants, but let's not forget: wingnut states are the biggest consumers of porn. That study doesn't exactly state which gender of porn that the porn is…my personal view is any guy who thinks women shouldn't feel pleasure during sex is either hung like a Ken doll or gayer than Lindsey Graham eating the special sauce at Chick-Fil-A.

      Oh and side note…ladies who do pleasure fuck…no worries, sure wingnuts may consider you demonic but I totally accept and encourage women to pleasure fuck with me. Consider my apartment your sanctuary….

    1. BlueStateLibel

      I'll be covertly giving your Wonkette comments "the eye" from the safety of my PC workstation. Enjoy!

    2. duckellis

      Also, just a heads up — Mike Kelly's Facebook page is completely open to comments.

      Even his pictures. Have at it. Looks like someone just crapped all over his entire gallery of photos from today's speech.

  1. Come here a minute

    Today is also like Gettysburg, and Rep. Mike Kelly will be remembered for having delivered the new Gettysburg Address.

    1. HempDogbane

      And today is the 5th anniversary of the 35W bridge falling down, which was caused by T-Paw pleasure fucking too much and gusset plate inspecting too little !

  2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Between this and the chick-fil-a post, the wonkettes are actually making me nauseous. I have to go sit down.

    1. emmelemm

      Stop.This.World. I wanna get off.

      That is not a double entendre. I literally want to get off this world.

  3. AbandonHope

    Okay, I call it: Rebecca is officially embittered enough now to rival Ken Layne. Congratulations!

      1. AbandonHope

        I don't know, between this and the last post, it would hit me pretty hard, if I didn't already take pills for that…

      1. swordfis

        !!! On the other hand, Allen Ginsberg and a bunch of other antiwar hippies tried to levitate the Pentagon by chanting. If they had had more unwed mothers they probably could have done it.

  4. memzilla

    Just when you think the Rethuglicans have alienated the wimmenz' vote in every possible way, a new Tardenspieler comes up to the microphone with a fresh 'dis.

  5. YouBetcha

    Fuck you, asshole. Fuck you for comparing a terrorist attack to widespread availability of contraceptives, you mindless, overwrought douche.

  6. AbandonHope

    Why stop there, Representative Kelly? This is the greatest world tragedy since the Rape of Nanking.

    See? Rape? See what I did there? Now you go!

  7. mavenmaven

    Learn from the Catholic Church- if you only molest children, you won't need the devil's birth control pills!

  8. finallyhappy

    Of course, on those days we were merely attacked in a physical way- thousands of people died. Today what with the Chick a Fil a protests and the birth control mandate- we are all dead – what with women not having babies and gay people wanting to get married.

  9. Crank_Tango

    This is worse than when Josef Manson Hitler boycotted that chicken place I have never seen anywhere.

    1. YouBetcha

      Other sluts, natch. Which is why we should all eat more Chick-Fil-A today, to fight the lesbian invasion, also too.

      1. actor212

        Wait…what is this "fight" you speak of? If by "fight", you mean "pop popcorn and pull up a comfy chair to watch," then I'm all in.

    2. actor212

      The unsuspecting innocent tumescent.

      I mean, there I was, walking along, minding my own business with my hard dick in my hand….

      EDIT: massive hard dick…

  10. northernbassist

    October 26, 2001 (the day the U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T act was signed into law) is the real Day Which Will Live In Douchbaggery–today's just a Wednesday.

  11. Baconzgood

    I'd just like to point out (because Baconz talks about Baconz's EX Father-in-law's douchbaggery) that this ass hat is the Representative for Baconz's EX Father-in-law's district.

  12. anniegetyerfun

    "All of a sudden, half the country is in agreement that religious liberty means never having to let anyone else do anything you don’t want them to."

    This. I am printing this on every surface of everything I own.

  13. noodlesalad

    Sorry to disappoint Rep. Kelly, but my religious freedom to oppress womenfolk has been underway since August 26, 1920, when Tennessee ratified the 19th amendment, making it the law of the land. This clearly contradicts the bible which says we should have kings and, in case of democracy, make sure the ladies just let the menfolk make the tough choices, having those weak Eve-tendencies and all.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    "I want you to remember August 1, 2012 — the attack on our religious freedom. That is a date that will live in infamy, along with those other dates"

    I guess Congressman Kelly isn't down with the Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day, either.

  15. Billmatic

    This is the worst thing to happen to America since liberals stopped eating at Chick-Fil-A.

  16. actor212

    I'm sorry, I must have missed the stories today about steeples toppling over in a firey conflagration of bombs and airplane fuel…

  17. fartknocker

    Why is providing access to contraception and medical care for women is in any way comparable to 9-11-2001 or the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor? Another neocon goat fucker bloviating utter horse shit.

    1. JustPixelz

      What he apparently means is "those attacks were no worse than democratically enacted legislation". I'm sure the 9/11 families will appreciate where their loss fits into Kelly's moral scale.

  18. JustPixelz

    "I want you to remember August 1, 2012 — the attack on our religious freedom."

    I thought that happened on June 13, 2012 when Michele Bachmann attacked her fellow Americans for being Muslim.

  19. MacRaith

    If we're going to answer ridiculous hyperbole with ridiculous hyperbole, I can now accuse Rep. Kelly of treason for dishonoring the memory of the 9/11 victims. Somebody dispatch the US Marshalls to arrest that traitor right now.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    When I was young, and ever since, my father has always told me that "95% of the people in this world are fucking assholes." The longer I live, the more I think he was/is being generous.

  21. sharethegrief

    No snark here. There are millions of Yolandas in our world. May Mike Kelly, the Catholic Church and every evangelical crumble into a pile of dust.

    1. HistoriCat

      During the Middle Ages the popes would do things like wash beggars' feet as a mark of humility. I can't imagine the Nazi Pope doing anything so lowly as to actually interact with human beings who are just hanging on.

      In other words, he can shove his fucking Prada shoes up his ass. The Yolandas of the world deserve so much more than those assholes in the Catholic Church are willing to let them have.

      1. sharethegrief

        Remember Pope John Paul11? He visited Haiti in the 80's and warned the people of the evils of birth control. Nevermind that Haiti was and remains the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. And he was the "good" Pope. I hate those fucking men draped in their lacy dresses sitting on untold piles of wealth.. As one of my favorite songs by XTC goes:
        Peter Pumpkinhead came to town
        Spreading wisdom and cash around
        Fed the hungry and housed the poor
        Showed the Vatican what gold's for

      2. aussiefromafar

        Everytime the Yolandas of this world have to endure another childbirth His Holiness Pope Hitler gets another jewel to add to his collection of baubles.
        He's really the chief fudge packer at the Vat.

  22. MumbletyAvian

    halted the distribution of contraceptives at public clinics to promote “a culture of life.”

    Somewhere in Arizona, no, Tampa no, all -of-'em-Katie: a plurality of conserva-vultures are fapping to this story.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    It takes a complete fucking douchebag not to understand that when we prevent the government from fucking with people's reproductive rights it isn't just to allow the fucking church to do so. Today, Mike Kelly, you are that complete fucking douchebag.

  24. SorosBot

    This assault on religious freedom has been going on much longer; for example, I used to work for a firm where the senior partners were Jewish, yet spent some of the money they paid me on bacon cheeseburgers, and on doing things between sundowns on Fridays and Saturdays.

    1. vasty_derp

      One of the nicer things about Jews is that they are refreshingly free of evangelistic tendencies, and will usually try to dissuade potential converts. The kosher ones may not be too thrilled if you treyf their kitchens, though…

  25. vasty_derp

    Stupud me- I thought Aug 1 2012 was a day that would like in infamy because so many fundies would get clogged arteries & hypertension from eating too much Chik-Fil-A…

    1. emmelemm

      Which would cause them to need more medical care, which would be more readily provided to them to the ACA, which is the true cause of this day of infamy.

      Irony!

      1. vasty_derp

        Especially ironic if teh fast food diet & avoidance of teh socialist medicine causes 'em to expire before Election Day…

  26. Baconzgood

    Now now people. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. He doesn't KNOW that he's as stupid as a sack of ball bearings.

  27. Goonemeritus

    “I know in your mind you can think of the times America was attacked,”

    I’m going with November 2nd 2010. It’s the day we agreed that statesmanship and intellect have no place in government.

  28. pdiddycornchips

    Maybe it's not such a good idea to let a criminal syndicate of pedophiles set health care policy for the rest of us.

  29. SorosBot

    "But what is going on in places where the Catholic Church has been successful in making sure birth control is out of reach?"

    Let's not forget the Church's good works in Africa, making sure people don't fall into the sin of using condoms just to prevent the spread of AIDS! Better for millions to die of a horrific preventable disease than avoid pregnancy by wrapping your dick.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      An army of Sandusky's set forth from Rome to rid the world of latex cock wrappers, causing untold suffering for millions of the worlds most vulnerable people, all in the name of Jesus.

    1. AbandonHope

      Uh, what channel is that on again? My.. um.. research… I… look, just tell me the damned channel.

      1. HistoriCat

        NBC isn't covering that since there are no Americans competing. You can watch the second third fourth interview Ryan Seacrest has with Michael Phelps instead!

  30. BaldarTFlagass

    Today is a day that will live infamy: The day the deck guy came by and gave me an estimate that was way too high. Also, today was the day that my pool guy told me I was going to need a new pump motor for the swimming pool filter.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Plus he's no doubt rolling, a la Scrooge McDuck, in the piles of filthy lucre he's been harvesting for moonlighting as a Wonkette staffer.

  31. Baconzgood

    You ask someone who attends Catholic church who isn't one of those nut job converts who take the church's doctrines to crazy town, and most will agree that birth control is a non-issue for them.

      1. Baconzgood

        It's easy. You only go to church 2 times a year, do some genuflecting and get a slug of wine and a Necco waifer at the end. The best part is on your death bed you say sorry for all the horrid shit you did in life and go to heaven.

        1. BornInATrailer

          Wait.. are you saying communion wafers come in different flavors!? Christ was a parfait?

    1. MissTaken

      It's true, and those people piss me off more than the Church hierarchy. Remember, every single penny you stick in the collection plate goes to lobby against the rights of women and the rights of children to not be ass-raped. Playing the "I only go on Easter and Christmas" card is a fucking cop-out. Stand up and say you detest their doctrine full stop.

  32. viennawoods13

    Sweet Jesus. Since when is it an attack on YOUR religious liberty to give someone else the liberty to make up their own fucking mind? But hey, that's the foundation of religious liberty that the USofA was built on- those Puritan pilgrims didn't want liberty for all to practice their religion, just for them to be able to impose their religious beliefs on everyone else. Which would be why they hanged Quakers on Boston Common in 1660. So, good work, asshole, upholding proud American tradition.

  33. FakaktaSouth

    Soooo, my pills are free now? Hmm. I know what I'M doing to celebrate. Way to go free pill pushers, now I'm a whore.

    1. SorosBot

      (Snark mode off) Not quite; starting today insurance has to cover birth control without co-pays, so if you have health insurance, your pills will be free after the next time you renew your policy.

  34. Mittens Howell, III

    I don't see any terrorist attack. Is he referring to all the Fundies gorging on chicken and hi-fructose corn syrup? That shit's definitely gonna blow up in the next few hours.

    1. emmelemm

      Every toilet in the South… (or wherever Chick-Fil-A restaurants are most prevalent – none near me, thank FSM)

  35. Wilcoxyz

    I am sorry these sluts are ruining America, and I promise to take one for the team if I see one looking for an innocent bystander to victimize with her fuck-for-pleasure insurgency.

  36. Schmegeg

    In the future, we should ask all congresscritters one question: Did you get laid in College, and was it enjoyable? That should rule out these assholes that want to limit birth control.

    1. Negropolis

      Please ask "was it consensusal" I mean, these are Republicans we're talking about. It has to be asked.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        They can do that while preggers. And cleaning the house and everything else. Birth control just gives them the idea that they can leave the house and force us men to do stuff.

    1. SpeedoFart

      *looks down*
      *sees protruding belly*
      *wiggles toes*
      *notices lack of footwear*

      Well, fuck me. Barefoot and preggers it is!

  37. chicken_thief

    What about the day that Viagara was covered by insurance? Is that like the 2nd Worst Day in the History of the USA?

  38. BornInATrailer

    It's like the Democrats are literally flying a plane full of burning bibles* right into the Statue of Liberty's vagina.

    *now with added hyperbole

  39. BaldarTFlagass

    OT but ooh, my p-ness size increased today! I must have got off a good one at some point.

    1. Negropolis

      Oh, I think you've won the thread.

      This slut has so many dates, and they are all living together in sin. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

  40. JustPixelz

    He must mean those deadly attacks are morally equivalent to a democratically enacted law. Makes you wonder what the big deal was at the time.

  41. MissTaken

    My mom has a theory that we need to go into countries, including the USA, and yank all the women out for their own protection. I'm starting to think she's on to something.

    1. Steverino247

      I've proposed that for Afghanistan. If those assholes can't stop pouring acid on schoolgirls, we just move all the females out of the country. In sixty years, we move them back, along with the decent guys they met while they were away. Problem solved.

  42. BoatOfVelociraptors

    If only there were a proper equivalency between Proper Penis Placement and Proper Plane Placement.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Henceforth, the vagina shall be known as "ground zero".

      /receive censure from the Michigan legislature

  43. JustPixelz

    I love the way conservative and RTL'ers talk about the holocaust of the unborn. And yet there are breathing (for now) children in world who are starving to death or dying of disease for whom they haven't a penny to spare. Cut foreign aid, cut food stamps, cut food inspectors. That's how a real death panel operates.

  44. Naked_Bunny

    Remember when Archie Bunker was a satire of conservatives and not someone who was too enlightened to be one?

  45. qwerty42

    Pearl Harbor? So we are already past the Mukden Incident AND the Panay Incident? Wow. And the Philippines are next. So we can expect a Bataan Death march? I kind of think it would be helpful if these nuts actually had some knowledge of the past … isn't there something that does that? Oh yeah, old movies.

  46. TootsStansbury

    I got nothing so I went on an upfisting rampage. I'll be in bed sobbing the rest of the evening.

  47. Redhead

    I just… 098jndfgopuganweproufhq34ouhopdisufhgoiiadhrsg.
    Uggg. How dare I even exist, since everything I, as a woman, do is a mortal sin/some great atrocity to these people – whether it's having sex, not having sex, using birth control, not using birth control and then having babies or an abortion… christ.

    1. HistoriCat

      It's not all your fault. Really we should blame your parents for not smothering you when you were born with no penis.

  48. chascates

    Well I'm from where we still REMEMBER THE ALAMO! so I'm already ahead on my infamy holidaze.

  49. CapnFatowls

    I bet the Catholic church would have far more luck if they dumped the "religious freedom" angle and just called for "Stand Your Holy Ground" laws.

    Surely, that would prevent anyone poppin' birth control pills like they were so many Skittles.

  50. DahBoner

    Actually January 20, 1981 was when America was invaded by brain-dead, second-rate actors pretending not to be TaxCut N' Spend ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!

  51. Fraudulently_Joe

    Don't be silly! Slutty sluts slutting it up with contraceptives and breast exams isn't like 9/11; 9/11 happened because of slutty sluts slutting it up with contraceptives and breast exams. Which really means that slutty sluts slutting it up are themselves much more like Al Qaeda, or the deliberate decision to disregard intelligence reports outlining Bin Ladin's determination to strike within the US using commercial airlines and instead go on vacation for two months.

    Get your analogies right, asshole!

  52. Nesnora

    Today, after years of being fucked by America, I can finally afford to fuck it back.

    And honey, if you're reading this— throw out our aspirin and get your WW2 aviator goggles on…

  53. MiniMencken

    Rebecca: I would have been able to understand this posting much more quickly if you had mentioned that today was the day that the contraception mandate portion of the Affordable Health Act had gone into effect.

  54. BZ1

    Recently posted about the crazies: They are working overtime to restrict rights, taking more and more hardlines against minorities, rigging elections against minorities, working to restrict a woman's reproductive rights, blaming the woes of the country and minorities and for god's sake, teachers, firemen and police and unions. Cozing up to to the ultra wealthy white people who control the money in this country, trying to claim the military is conservative and should have the right to refuse orders from presidents they don't agree with (unless the president is a conservative which then makes you a traitor).

  55. BoroPrimorac

    Mike Kelly should pace himself or he's going to be all drama'ed out when he gets the big middle finger from voters in his purple district.

  56. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    All I have to say is you birth control poppin' sluts…I salute you. Were it not for the pill (and other means) I might have a truckload of slobberin' little mouthbreathers to raise rather than working my ass off to get into the mid-upper echelon of professional society where I can give the little slugs a good life. So, thank you…and stupid "religious liberty" wingnuts…remember, K-Lo hasn't gotten laid since that time she sat on a bike withou the seat on…hardly a good spokes…uh, thing.

  57. TribecaMike

    Fishy bit o' trivia: Kelly is the sponsor of H.R.5915, The Research Fairness Act of 2012, "To amend the Fair Labor Standards Act to exempt marketing research participants and mystery shoppers from certain provisions of that Act."

Comments are closed.