girl on walrus

‘Big Hollywood’ Saves America from Candy And Chewing Gum Company’s Pro-Bestiality Agenda

Oh noes! Itz a moral crisis -- SRSLY guyz!Has John Nolte of the Breitbart remnant blog Big Hollywood gone completely nuts, or has he perhaps just read so much of his own bullshit that he is incapable of distinguishing his usual brand of faux outrage from absurd self-parody? Or is he actually indulging in self-parody? It would be irresponsible not to speculate! How else can we explain his thoroughly bizarre post that purports to expose the sinister purpose behind a rather odd advertisement for Skittles? Is Nolte serious, or is this a brilliant example of Poe’s Law in action?

Consider, if you will, the stilted intro to the piece:

Skittles is sold and manufactured by the Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company and according to Merriam-Webster, one of the definitions of bestiality is:

sexual relations between a human being and a lower animal

John Nolte is a grown-up human being, a professional screenwriter, blogger, and occasional columnist for what almost counts as a real newspaper, the Washington Times. He is well-known enough to have been honored for writing “the most epically idiotic article on the internet.” And yet he begins an actual article, for which he was presumably paid money, with 1) a complete nonsequitur and 2) a goddamned dictionary definition??? The guy says he’s a traditionalist, but isn’t honoring the conventions of fifth grade Language Arts class taking tradition a little far? This introduction alone suggests that we are being toyed with. In fact, Webster’s defines “taking the piss” as “what that puffed-up dildo Nolte did in that Skittles thing.”

Now, on to Nolte’s actual book report on “Our Friend the Walrus” analysis of the Skittles ad. You see, it’s not merely a kind of stupid ad featuring a woman making out with a computer-generated walrus. No, indeedy — it is part of a coordinated Hollywood “assault to define deviancy down and to normalize destructive behavior.” Wow, this is going to be shocking! Nolte warns the viewer to “Pay special attention to the thoroughly disgusting sound effects:”

“Humor,” Nolte intones, “is an excellent way to get us used to and to take the shock value out of something hideous and immoral.” Indeed! Were it not for the little comic strips, we almost certainly wouldn’t have gone on to chew that awful Bazooka Joe bubble gum. Nolte continues:

If you don’t think there’s an agenda behind this, you haven’t been paying attention the last 40 years. And if you don’t think that there are those who hold the levers of power in our popular culture that would like to remove the stigma from bestiality, you don’t understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of.

I used to laugh at loud at the term “slippery slope.”

Then I grew up.

Oh, my. A lady is making slurping sounds with a pinniped, and Nolte says it’s a “slippery slope”? Yes, this is the lowest sort of buffoonery, is it not? The good gentleman is winding us up — he has to be. We know exactly where he’s headed with this. We saw it coming way back in 1982:

[Big Hollywood]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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205 comments

    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      Nolte must have a lot of bottled up self-loathing over that marathon weekend masturbation session with the DVD box set of Blue Planet

  1. elviouslyqueer

    You can laugh and say it's just a joke, but through a war of inches, Hollywood continues its assault to define deviancy down and to normalize destructive behavior

    Wow. Just… WOW.

    1. elgin_pelican

      "You can laugh and say it's just a joke, but we actually plan to vote for a robot in November."

    2. HogeyeGrex

      “assault to define deviancy down and to normalize destructive behavior.”

      Ah. Like normalizing torture, wars of aggression and extralegal murder and rendition.

      What? That's not what he was talking about?

  2. Hera Sent Me

    Ever noticed that the people most easily shocked are also the ones who go out of their way to find things that shock them?

    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      There's an overactive revulsion/arousal drive going on there. I bet he had a raging semi the entire time he wrote his column, with the offending walrus-fucking skittles video on a continuous repeat loop.

    2. MumbletyAvian

      Victim of malevolent social ills, peddles shock value of those same delusional observations for attention and personal gain. The viper bite stings only long enough til you realize you can take and distill the poison into an antidote, marketed and sold to the nearest rabid buyer, for profit$.

  3. memzilla

    …you don’t understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of.

    Presumably, judging from his sentence structure, John Nolte does know.

  4. metamarcisf

    John Nolte majored in Animal Husbandry at the University of Phoenix School of Genetic Mutations

    1. bikerlaureate

      If he sees kissing and races to the dictionary to cut-and-paste the definition of a sex act, that loony wing nut panic about anything sensual seems to be affecting his deductive reasoning skillz.
      Exactly the kind of perv I don't want telling teenagers that abstinence is a cake walk.

  5. Goonemeritus

    “Humor,” Nolte intones, “is an excellent way to get us used to and to take the shock value out of something hideous and immoral.”

    I don’t know the world has been making fun of the political right for my whole life and they seem just as hideous and immoral as ever to me.

    1. Fraudulently_Joe

      It's amazing how thoroughly they don't understand how humor -which in this case relies on the "shock value" in question- works. Yes, they're trying to make this less shocking, just like when Charlie Chaplin made fun of Hitler, or when the Daily Show makes fun of Fox News, or when we make fun of the ghost of Andrew Breitbart, who is dead. It's because we all want more of those things in our society, not because we're trying to ridicule them into irrelevance.

      Well, I suppose this all goes a ways to explaining conservative "comedians", at least.

      1. Goonemeritus

        All true and on a side note no day is so dark that being reminded of Breitbart absence can’t bring a smile.

  6. FakaktaSouth

    This commercial doesn't even make me want to eat skittles (it's the ground up beetles that make 'em shiney!) much less fuck a walrus, so I'm not sure WHO wins here.

    1. prommie

      Mrs. Christie has to fuck a walrus, I suppose as frequently as walri can muster the energy.

      You must google "autofellatio walrus," I tell you, you just gotta.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        All right, all right, I guess I kind of have to now. Since apparently walruses now define my sexual preferences, I suppose I need to see what they like.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Oh god no. I watched the video. I am afraid of walruses now. One of the best comments was "now we know why President Taft REALLY drowned in the bathtub" so, that was kinda worth it.

          2. prommie

            Which one of the Fantastic Four was made of rubber? Rubber man? He could stretch? That is clearly that walrus's superpower, as well.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Luckily the one doing his ownself in the video didn't have such puncture-possibilities. Even walri know the "no teeth" rule.

    2. prommie

      Just to make up for the walrus, if you think the ground up beetles is strange, go read the wiki article on how xanthan gum is made, weird as hell. Its ground up bacteria, and its in everything. They even pump it into oil wells for some fucking reason.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        At the risk of exposing myself for the complete nerd I truly am, I have actually watched an episode of "How's It Made?" on the topic of xanthan gum. It's an amazing, disgusting, ubiquitous substance, you are right.

  7. MacRaith

    You can also rape a walrus, abduct it and force it to have an abortion across state lines, and drop it off at the swimming pool, and that's perfectly legal in the United States of America.

    1. emmelemm

      Actually, I think the raping the walrus part might prove difficult.

      How do you get a 2-ton animal with tusks to do what you want? Answer: you don't.

  8. johnnymeatworth

    100% of individuals wearing hoodies and carrying Skittles who are shot by George Zimmerman end up dead. Ergo, Skittles are fatal. OUTLAW SKITTLES IMMEDIATELY.

  9. freakishlywrong

    This will give me night terrors. Not the bestiality; the thought process of a wingnut. Speaking of "slippery slopes" fer fucks sake.

  10. Dumbedup

    He is correct that humor is his true enemy, and the enemy of humorless, angry batshit crazy wingnuts everywhere, John Stewart, watch yourself!

    1. Boojum

      You know, it is wonderful how the debate has gone from the right mocking the left for being too sensitive (It's just a joke!) to the left (the good guys in this story) mocking the right for their incredible lack of humor. It is a sign of their increasing marginalization.

  11. Dildeaux

    "sexual relations between a human being and a lower animal"

    So by this definition, whoever bangs Nolte is into beatiality?

    1. tessiee

      Every time I see the words "John Bolton" (mercifully seldom these days), I think of the cranky old guy's blog that called him "mustache on his ass".

  12. RedneckMuslin

    "you don’t understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of."

    We just sit back and enjoy it, dude. We don't analyze it.

  13. Not_So_Much

    When he sees those tusks, it takes him to a very different place than it does the rest of us.

  14. Boojum

    True story.

    I was cross-examining a sexual harasser in a case (partially) involving beastiality porn. I asked him if he had ever viewed or shown beastiality porn. His answer:

    "No. I would never do that. I'm an animal lover."

  15. Billmatic

    Wow, I didn't know growing up meant deciding that logical fallacies are actually pretty fuckin awesome.

  16. BoatOfVelociraptors

    I can understand taking offense at lower animals, but them giraffes have some serious tongue skills.

    1. AbandonHope

      I disagree. Tell him about furries, please. It would be so hilarious to see the ensuing explosion.

  17. Monsieur_Grumpe

    If it had been sheep instead of a Walrus I suspect that Mr. Nolte would not be objecting.

  18. Fraudulently_Joe

    Nolte is trying to start a moral panic over a commercial that is obviously fiction and played for laughs? In that case, nobody tell John Nolte about furries, or about anthro cartoon fandom, or My Little Pony fandom.

    Actually wait, do tell him, about all those things I'm pretty sure the resulting rage-derp will be hilarious. "WARNER BROTHERS AND HASBRO ARE TRYING TO CONVERT US ALL TO BESTIALITY!!!!1!!1"

    1. tessiee

      "Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?" — Garth Algar

    2. Grokenstein

      I am beset by recurring overwhelming urges to hug and/or snuggle Pinkie Pie. TELL ME, NOLTE, AM I THE SYMPTOM OR THE DISEEEEASE? (Disclaimer: I do NOT hang around farms or stables in a raincoat, "clop," nor wear any sort of "fursuit.")

      (quote) “Humor,” Nolte intones, “is an excellent way to get us used to and to take the shock value out of something hideous and immoral.” (endquote)

      This…this is actually true. It's my primary concern about Jon Stewart's daily LOL! YOU'RE ALL SCREWED *GOOFY FACE* AND NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT LOLOLOLOL! routine.

      But in this case, Nolte? You just batshit crazy, boy.

  19. annettaj

    I'm so much dumber after reading Nolte's idiocy, I'm going to sign my kid's college fund over to the GOP.

  20. actor212

    It probably took Nolte about ten viewings to realize this wasn't some redneck cousin of his from Alabama. He should have noticed right away there was more than one toof.

        1. RadioBowels

          I don't know about you, but i wasn't looking at the walrus. That chick, ahem, "acts" very well. But, you are right I'm sure Nolte never even looked on the left half of the screen.

        2. FakaktaSouth

          I'm not sure why wax is sharp wherever you live in superior land, but I can ASSURE you, you would not be confused if I bit you. Come here.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Please, Lorena needed a knife – I got angry resentment and something to prove after years of this shit on my side.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            suuuuure it is, I prooooomise, truuuuust meeeee.
            I kinda like a guy willing to take chances with the redneck underbelly of society.

  21. Jus_Wonderin

    My name is Jus_Wonderin, and I must admit I have a monkey on my back and an albatross around my neck.

    1. tessiee

      *raises hand*

      Bats in the belfry, here.
      Also, sometimes when I'm nervous, butterflies in my stomach.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Do you remember when Esso used to give a free tiger tail to hang out/under our gas caps???? I'm an oldz.

  22. An_Outhouse

    The comments are precious:

    Now, I'm not saying it should be ILLEGAL (it shouldn't — animals are property, you can do what you want with your own property as long as you aren't violating someone else's rights) but it certainly isn't moral or normal psychologically.

    1. tessiee

      "Now, I'm not saying it should be ILLEGAL (it shouldn't — animals are property, you can do what you want with your own property"

      I sure hope this person doesn't have kids.

  23. Guppy

    I've watched the ad, and I feel no perverse sexual lust for a walrus. For the bespectacled brunette, on the other hand…

  24. finette_

    You know he's just trying to work this into his pre-conceived narrative that says woman-on-walrus is the next step after gay marriage. Taste the Rainbow!

  25. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "thou shalt not fuck a walrus". Unfortunatly Moses' hands were too full for that last stone tablet.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "The Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen … oy … ten, ten commandments, for all to obey."

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I remember my children's illustrated bible. Those things look heavy. Ima go ahead and thank you for god not being smart enough to use paper or papyrus or whatever. Then we would have the 1001 commandments and 900 of them would be about where we should and shouldn't put our privates.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Funny how it's only your neighbor's wife that's actually off-limits. That leaves a pretty wide open field, when you think about it.

  26. Buckminster

    When are we going to get civilized and institute public flogging for such flagrantly bad writing? When?

  27. Jeri 2.0

    By fundie Republican standards any human male having sexual relations with a human female is having sex with a lower life form, we being too stupid to make our own healthcare choices and using inappropriate words in senate hearings and all.

    Oh wait! I get it now! Rainbows = accepting teh ghey = accepting pedophilia/bestiality/necrophilia/toe-sucking/gerbil farming/etc. The man's a genius.

    1. tessiee

      "By fundie Republican standards any human male having sexual relations with a human female is having sex with a lower life form"

      What a coincidence: By my standards, anyone having sexual relations with a Republican is having sex with a lower life form.

      1. Jeri 2.0

        But, anyone having sexual relations with a Republican is a lower life form having sex with a lower life form, so it's like two jackals or badgers or Tasmanian devils going at it, if two jackals or badgers or Tasmanian devils could actually have boring sex.

  28. Larry McAwful

    These people have a point, though. Those Five Gum commercials ruined my hearing by getting me to buy huge stereo speakers and lay naked on them while surrounded by ball bearings.

    Mine is but a cautionary tale, ladies. Don't let Wrigley's lead you into walrus sex. It can happen here. Really it can.

  29. An_Outhouse

    I have seen this stuff i speak of in the course of doing a research paper. If you won't see it for yourself then you cannot know if it poses a threat or not.

    'It was all for a research project, really.' This stuff is golden. I always assumed Big Morons visit Big Whatever but I didn't think it would be so blatant.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      The paper was supposed to be on the Lincoln-Douglas debates, but that's how academic exploration works.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      "I'm just doing this for research purposes." Is this Nolte's new pickup line? At Sea World?

  30. tessiee

    "that would like to remove the stigma from bestiality"

    I'm thinking that removing the smegma from bestiality is probably the worst job in the pron industry.

  31. Pragmatist2

    Uh, he missed the big Skittles story. If you go to Skittles.com it greets you with an invitation to "Taste the Rainbow." So really it is gay bestiality going on and that's, as we know, the worst kind.

  32. tessiee

    "If you don’t think there’s an agenda behind this, you haven’t been paying attention the last 40 years."

    Step 1: Make commercials that subtly imply bestiality.
    Step 2: Get everyone to accept that bestiality is OK.
    Step 3: ?????
    Step 4: Profit!!

  33. tessiee

    I watched it with the sound off. Is Zooey Deschanel distressed because she disapproves, or because her roommate didn't share the skittles and/or walrus?

  34. Generation[redacted]

    I agree with Nolte, this is insensitive and offensive to all of us who enjoy having sex with walruses. And those sound effects! It's like they secretly recorded Nolte in the Sea World men's room.

  35. pdiddycornchips

    Why are we blaming the woman here? What about that walrus? Isn't he just as responsible? What about Walrus morality? That walrus was probably paid handsomely to whore himself out like that on national TV. Oh wait, how can we even be sure that's a male walrus? Could this be a lezzie walrus? Impossible to tell but they aren't denying it are they? Also, too, I found this on the google.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/07/walrus-o

  36. pdiddycornchips

    Why are we blaming the woman here? What about that walrus? Isn't he just as responsible? What about Walrus morality? That walrus was probably paid handsomely to whore himself out like that on national TV. Oh wait, how can we even be sure that's a male walrus? Could this be a lezzie walrus? Impossible to tell but they aren't denying it are they? Also, too, I found this on the google.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/07/walrus-o

  37. mavenmaven

    What the Breitbart people are really saying is "see, anyone who eats skittles deserves to be shot, so free Zimmerman"

  38. swordfis

    This is it; the prophecy has been fulfilled: right wing Götterdämmerung, It can't get any worse than this. From here on in, it's drooling and Napoleon hats.

  39. Fraudulently_Joe

    I'd say what I think of John Nolte, but it violates the rules of commenting on this forum. John Nolte, as a paid editor at Breitbart's Decaying Earthly Remains, evidently is under no such restrictions as to what sorts of things are acceptable to say, as he regularly calls for people to be murdered for such crimes as allowing their children appear on television.

  40. TribecaMike

    Our society has been going downhill since the Army started recruiting talking mules in the 1940's.

  41. ttommyunger

    I cannot for the life of me understand how some people can totally obsess with what others do with their genitals. I've spent over 71 years on this mortal coil and I'm still totally preoccupied with my own.

  42. Biel_ze_Bubba

    What's fascinating to me is that there's an "agenda behind this" — and has been for 40 years. I look forward to reading Nolte's disclosure of who is behind this 40-year-old plot to make Nolte succumb to the temptations of bestiality.

  43. Misty Malarky

    "I has an interspecies sexual relationship!"

    "Noooo – They be stealing my interspecies sexual relationship!"

  44. HeartlandLibral

    Someone seriously needs to do a psychological profile of these people. There sexual hangups are so blatantly obvious in their self conscious homophobia, there frequent reference to injuring others by anal penetration when they get all hot and bothered during comment wars online; and now this bestiality focus.

    Seriously, it's called projection, guys, Psych 101 stuff. Blatantly obvious.

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