GIRL ON WALRUS  10:25 am August 2, 2012

‘Big Hollywood’ Saves America from Candy And Chewing Gum Company’s Pro-Bestiality Agenda

by Doktor Zoom

Oh noes! Itz a moral crisis -- SRSLY guyz!Has John Nolte of the Breitbart remnant blog Big Hollywood gone completely nuts, or has he perhaps just read so much of his own bullshit that he is incapable of distinguishing his usual brand of faux outrage from absurd self-parody? Or is he actually indulging in self-parody? It would be irresponsible not to speculate! How else can we explain his thoroughly bizarre post that purports to expose the sinister purpose behind a rather odd advertisement for Skittles? Is Nolte serious, or is this a brilliant example of Poe’s Law in action?

Consider, if you will, the stilted intro to the piece:

Skittles is sold and manufactured by the Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company and according to Merriam-Webster, one of the definitions of bestiality is:

sexual relations between a human being and a lower animal

John Nolte is a grown-up human being, a professional screenwriter, blogger, and occasional columnist for what almost counts as a real newspaper, the Washington Times. He is well-known enough to have been honored for writing “the most epically idiotic article on the internet.” And yet he begins an actual article, for which he was presumably paid money, with 1) a complete nonsequitur and 2) a goddamned dictionary definition??? The guy says he’s a traditionalist, but isn’t honoring the conventions of fifth grade Language Arts class taking tradition a little far? This introduction alone suggests that we are being toyed with. In fact, Webster’s defines “taking the piss” as “what that puffed-up dildo Nolte did in that Skittles thing.”

Now, on to Nolte’s actual book report on “Our Friend the Walrus” analysis of the Skittles ad. You see, it’s not merely a kind of stupid ad featuring a woman making out with a computer-generated walrus. No, indeedy — it is part of a coordinated Hollywood “assault to define deviancy down and to normalize destructive behavior.” Wow, this is going to be shocking! Nolte warns the viewer to “Pay special attention to the thoroughly disgusting sound effects:”

“Humor,” Nolte intones, “is an excellent way to get us used to and to take the shock value out of something hideous and immoral.” Indeed! Were it not for the little comic strips, we almost certainly wouldn’t have gone on to chew that awful Bazooka Joe bubble gum. Nolte continues:

If you don’t think there’s an agenda behind this, you haven’t been paying attention the last 40 years. And if you don’t think that there are those who hold the levers of power in our popular culture that would like to remove the stigma from bestiality, you don’t understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of.

I used to laugh at loud at the term “slippery slope.”

Then I grew up.

Oh, my. A lady is making slurping sounds with a pinniped, and Nolte says it’s a “slippery slope”? Yes, this is the lowest sort of buffoonery, is it not? The good gentleman is winding us up — he has to be. We know exactly where he’s headed with this. We saw it coming way back in 1982:

[Big Hollywood]

 
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{ 205 comments }

ChernobylSoup August 2, 2012 at 10:27 am

Shorter John Nolte: Come on, you know you want to.

Nibbler of Niblonia August 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

Nolte must have a lot of bottled up self-loathing over that marathon weekend masturbation session with the DVD box set of Blue Planet

ChernobylSoup August 2, 2012 at 10:28 am

I miss I Miss Opus.

freakishlywrong August 2, 2012 at 10:38 am

Word.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

Can't upfist this enough

GunToting[Redacted] August 2, 2012 at 11:18 am

A nation turns its lonely eyes to Berkely Breathed.

emmelemm August 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Agreed.

imissopus August 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Aw, you guys are killing me.

Barb_ August 2, 2012 at 10:28 am

Isn't Paul the walrus?

Doktor Zoom August 2, 2012 at 11:09 am

I was the Walrus – Paul wasn't the Walrus!
I was just saying that to be nice, but I was actually the Walrus!

"Magical Misery Tour," Tony Hendra, 1972

(Also: Bonus reading! http://everything2.com/title/Magical+Misery+Tour?… )

Barb_ August 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Thanks for the link Dok! You rock!

Nostrildamus August 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Bristol is the walrus.

redarmyzombie August 3, 2012 at 4:03 am

Actually, that would be my friend/former boss. I myself am the Carpenter.

Andrew Drinker August 2, 2012 at 10:29 am

Amateurs. All of 'em. Breitbart was the only one any good at this stuff over there.

eggsacklywright August 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

Koo – Koo – Ka – Choo.

BaldarTFlagass August 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

She's got Skittles!! Shoot dat bitch!!

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

But she ain't wearing a hoodie!

Terry August 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

…and where is the iced tea?

ManchuCandidate August 2, 2012 at 11:02 am

Considering the epidemic of Diabeetus 2… justifiable.

elviouslyqueer August 2, 2012 at 10:31 am

You can laugh and say it's just a joke, but through a war of inches, Hollywood continues its assault to define deviancy down and to normalize destructive behavior

Wow. Just… WOW.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

Gay men are taking over this country, one inch at a time.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 2, 2012 at 11:02 am

According to craigslist, you are incorrect by a factor of 8.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 11:11 am

These are Republicans.

redarmyzombie August 3, 2012 at 4:04 am

Would you go so far as to say that they've penetrated deeply?

Nibbler of Niblonia August 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

In Nolte's case, it's probably a war of about three inches.

HogeyeGrex August 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm

He's just jealous of the walrus.

Boojum August 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

Our dicks are bigger?

elgin_pelican August 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

"You can laugh and say it's just a joke, but we actually plan to vote for a robot in November."

HogeyeGrex August 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm

“assault to define deviancy down and to normalize destructive behavior.”

Ah. Like normalizing torture, wars of aggression and extralegal murder and rendition.

What? That's not what he was talking about?

DonnyKerabotsos August 2, 2012 at 10:31 am

I'll bet he offered her a mustache ride.

RedneckMuslin August 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

Her koo koo kachoo.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 2, 2012 at 11:04 am

Two tusks, one walrus.

Hera Sent Me August 2, 2012 at 10:32 am

Ever noticed that the people most easily shocked are also the ones who go out of their way to find things that shock them?

Nibbler of Niblonia August 2, 2012 at 10:51 am

There's an overactive revulsion/arousal drive going on there. I bet he had a raging semi the entire time he wrote his column, with the offending walrus-fucking skittles video on a continuous repeat loop.

MumbletyAvian August 2, 2012 at 10:57 am

Victim of malevolent social ills, peddles shock value of those same delusional observations for attention and personal gain. The viper bite stings only long enough til you realize you can take and distill the poison into an antidote, marketed and sold to the nearest rabid buyer, for profit$.

Clancy_Pants August 2, 2012 at 10:32 am

"sexual relations between a human being and a lower animal"

So by that definition, sex (or sharing Skittles) with a Breitbart-o-phile is bestiality?

RedneckMuslin August 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

Ann Rmoney libel!!!

widestanceromance August 2, 2012 at 10:32 am

In the photo, which one is the lower animal?

memzilla August 2, 2012 at 10:33 am

…you don’t understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of.

Presumably, judging from his sentence structure, John Nolte does know.

bobbert August 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Exactamundo.

metamarcisf August 2, 2012 at 10:33 am

John Nolte majored in Animal Husbandry at the University of Phoenix School of Genetic Mutations

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

And animal wifery in his dorm room

veritass August 2, 2012 at 10:33 am

The only thing stopping me from having sex with a walrus is geography.

ManchuCandidate August 2, 2012 at 10:33 am

Who thinks about shit like this?

The mind of RW nutjobs is a scary sick place

bikerlaureate August 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

If he sees kissing and races to the dictionary to cut-and-paste the definition of a sex act, that loony wing nut panic about anything sensual seems to be affecting his deductive reasoning skillz.
Exactly the kind of perv I don't want telling teenagers that abstinence is a cake walk.

ph7 August 2, 2012 at 10:36 am

This slippery slope started when that princess kissed that frog.

Angry_Marmot August 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Yeah, her father didn't believe that story either.

emmelemm August 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Win.

Goonemeritus August 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

“Humor,” Nolte intones, “is an excellent way to get us used to and to take the shock value out of something hideous and immoral.”

I don’t know the world has been making fun of the political right for my whole life and they seem just as hideous and immoral as ever to me.

Fraudulently_Joe August 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

It's amazing how thoroughly they don't understand how humor -which in this case relies on the "shock value" in question- works. Yes, they're trying to make this less shocking, just like when Charlie Chaplin made fun of Hitler, or when the Daily Show makes fun of Fox News, or when we make fun of the ghost of Andrew Breitbart, who is dead. It's because we all want more of those things in our society, not because we're trying to ridicule them into irrelevance.

Well, I suppose this all goes a ways to explaining conservative "comedians", at least.

Goonemeritus August 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

All true and on a side note no day is so dark that being reminded of Breitbart absence can’t bring a smile.

LesBontemps August 2, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Is true. Among the things we all want more of is dead Andrew Breitbart.

GuanoFaucet August 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

Keep fucking that chicken, Nolte!

FakaktaSouth August 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

This commercial doesn't even make me want to eat skittles (it's the ground up beetles that make 'em shiney!) much less fuck a walrus, so I'm not sure WHO wins here.

prommie August 2, 2012 at 10:42 am

Mrs. Christie has to fuck a walrus, I suppose as frequently as walri can muster the energy.

You must google "autofellatio walrus," I tell you, you just gotta.

FakaktaSouth August 2, 2012 at 10:45 am

All right, all right, I guess I kind of have to now. Since apparently walruses now define my sexual preferences, I suppose I need to see what they like.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

Looks like I picked the wrong summer to go on a diet…

FakaktaSouth August 2, 2012 at 10:52 am

Oh god no. I watched the video. I am afraid of walruses now. One of the best comments was "now we know why President Taft REALLY drowned in the bathtub" so, that was kinda worth it.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 2, 2012 at 11:08 am

Prommie, I'm not even gonna ask how you know about this.

prommie August 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

Hey, you know, guys talk, word gets around.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

Pardon me good sir, but haz you seen mah…
NOOOOOOO!!!!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 2, 2012 at 10:55 am

But look at those tusks!

FakaktaSouth August 2, 2012 at 10:57 am

Luckily the one doing his ownself in the video didn't have such puncture-possibilities. Even walri know the "no teeth" rule.

prommie August 2, 2012 at 11:08 am

Its as important as the golden rule.

chicken_thief August 2, 2012 at 11:07 am

Agreed. But it does make me want to have lunch with the blond.

prommie August 2, 2012 at 11:27 am

Just to make up for the walrus, if you think the ground up beetles is strange, go read the wiki article on how xanthan gum is made, weird as hell. Its ground up bacteria, and its in everything. They even pump it into oil wells for some fucking reason.

FakaktaSouth August 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

At the risk of exposing myself for the complete nerd I truly am, I have actually watched an episode of "How's It Made?" on the topic of xanthan gum. It's an amazing, disgusting, ubiquitous substance, you are right.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 10:38 am

I'm shocked Nolte went with such a subtle ad when theres one that even MORE about bestiality…

StealthMuslin August 2, 2012 at 10:38 am

Going anti-beastiality is gonna totally alienate the GOP base.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

Right? It would be like coming out against incest.

Boojum August 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

"A good goat will do that" is the punch line of an old, old joke.

shelwood46 August 2, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Steve King is drafting his rebuttal right now.

MacRaith August 2, 2012 at 10:38 am

You can also rape a walrus, abduct it and force it to have an abortion across state lines, and drop it off at the swimming pool, and that's perfectly legal in the United States of America.

Nibbler of Niblonia August 2, 2012 at 10:53 am

MacRaith for congress!

emmelemm August 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Actually, I think the raping the walrus part might prove difficult.

How do you get a 2-ton animal with tusks to do what you want? Answer: you don't.

doloras August 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm

AND STEAL ITS BUKKIT

johnnymeatworth August 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

100% of individuals wearing hoodies and carrying Skittles who are shot by George Zimmerman end up dead. Ergo, Skittles are fatal. OUTLAW SKITTLES IMMEDIATELY.

DerrickWildcat August 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

If you soak Skittles in cat piss and dry them out in the oven and then smoke them, you can get super high and it's totally legal!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 2, 2012 at 10:55 am

Brother? Is that you?

freakishlywrong August 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

This will give me night terrors. Not the bestiality; the thought process of a wingnut. Speaking of "slippery slopes" fer fucks sake.

Dumbedup August 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

He is correct that humor is his true enemy, and the enemy of humorless, angry batshit crazy wingnuts everywhere, John Stewart, watch yourself!

Boojum August 2, 2012 at 10:53 am

You know, it is wonderful how the debate has gone from the right mocking the left for being too sensitive (It's just a joke!) to the left (the good guys in this story) mocking the right for their incredible lack of humor. It is a sign of their increasing marginalization.

Clown_Baby August 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

Just wait until he finds autofellatio walrus (google it)

ChernobylSoup August 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

Has this dude even ever seen an Old Spice commercial?

widestanceromance August 2, 2012 at 11:08 am

For many reasons, he only watches the first 15 seconds and nods off.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 11:54 am

Yeah, NODS off.

metamarcisf August 2, 2012 at 10:45 am

The Walrus was Paul.

Dildeaux August 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

"sexual relations between a human being and a lower animal"

So by this definition, whoever bangs Nolte is into beatiality?

Terry August 2, 2012 at 10:47 am

That's no walrus. It's John Bolton. Ewwwww, even worse.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

Every time I see the words "John Bolton" (mercifully seldom these days), I think of the cranky old guy's blog that called him "mustache on his ass".

bobbert August 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Tusks up on the new motto.

RedneckMuslin August 2, 2012 at 10:47 am

"you don’t understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of."

We just sit back and enjoy it, dude. We don't analyze it.

Baconzgood August 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

This guy needs to log on to 4chan random if he wants to see depravity.

IncenseDebate August 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

Conservitards will never understand humor.

Not_So_Much August 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

When he sees those tusks, it takes him to a very different place than it does the rest of us.

Boojum August 2, 2012 at 10:51 am

True story.

I was cross-examining a sexual harasser in a case (partially) involving beastiality porn. I asked him if he had ever viewed or shown beastiality porn. His answer:

"No. I would never do that. I'm an animal lover."

prommie August 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Albanian, huh?

Antispandex August 2, 2012 at 10:51 am

I blame Chick Fil A.

Billmatic August 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

Wow, I didn't know growing up meant deciding that logical fallacies are actually pretty fuckin awesome.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 10:55 am

Or just lurk here.

Say, that's a really pretty chinchilla you got there…

BoatOfVelociraptors August 2, 2012 at 10:55 am

I can understand taking offense at lower animals, but them giraffes have some serious tongue skills.

BarackMyWorld August 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

NO ONE TELL HIM ABOUT FURRIES.

AbandonHope August 2, 2012 at 11:47 am

I disagree. Tell him about furries, please. It would be so hilarious to see the ensuing explosion.

viennawoods13 August 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

Hell, he probably IS a furry.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 11:59 am

EVERYONE TELL HIM ABOUT FURRIES.

Joshua Norton August 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

Given his logic skills, he must also assume that 'animal husbandry' is a marital state.

Biff August 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

Wait–I thought it was Nick Nolte that was dain-bramaged?

thatsitfortheother1 August 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

I dunno about a walrus, but it is definitely better to do a chiken than pullet.

Doktor Zoom August 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

You will win the Pullet Surprise for that one.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 2, 2012 at 10:59 am

If it had been sheep instead of a Walrus I suspect that Mr. Nolte would not be objecting.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

Brown chicken, brown cow

emmelemm August 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Hee!

SoBeach August 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

That's a creepy ad that doesn't make me want to buy skittles. Or make out with walruses.

RadioBowels August 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

Um, that's not a boy walrus. Hey look over there, there's no line at Chik-Fil-A today.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 2, 2012 at 11:01 am

Nolte probably won't like this one either. Warning: swallow your coffee first.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Aw, I bet that's not a real skittles commercial.
$>: – ]

Dudleydidwrong August 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Now that's fucking funny! Hey Nolte! Which one is the lower animal?

Doktor Zoom August 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Thanks for the link. Kid Zoom informs me he is now going to research which monastic orders offer a vow of celibacy.

Fraudulently_Joe August 2, 2012 at 11:01 am

Nolte is trying to start a moral panic over a commercial that is obviously fiction and played for laughs? In that case, nobody tell John Nolte about furries, or about anthro cartoon fandom, or My Little Pony fandom.

Actually wait, do tell him, about all those things I'm pretty sure the resulting rage-derp will be hilarious. "WARNER BROTHERS AND HASBRO ARE TRYING TO CONVERT US ALL TO BESTIALITY!!!!1!!1"

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 12:03 pm

"Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?" — Garth Algar

emmelemm August 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

"Me neither."

Grokenstein August 2, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I am beset by recurring overwhelming urges to hug and/or snuggle Pinkie Pie. TELL ME, NOLTE, AM I THE SYMPTOM OR THE DISEEEEASE? (Disclaimer: I do NOT hang around farms or stables in a raincoat, "clop," nor wear any sort of "fursuit.")

(quote) “Humor,” Nolte intones, “is an excellent way to get us used to and to take the shock value out of something hideous and immoral.” (endquote)

This…this is actually true. It's my primary concern about Jon Stewart's daily LOL! YOU'RE ALL SCREWED *GOOFY FACE* AND NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT LOLOLOLOL! routine.

But in this case, Nolte? You just batshit crazy, boy.

annettaj August 2, 2012 at 11:03 am

I'm so much dumber after reading Nolte's idiocy, I'm going to sign my kid's college fund over to the GOP.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

OK, make the check out to me, and I'll make sure that the funds are handled responsibly.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 11:06 am

It probably took Nolte about ten viewings to realize this wasn't some redneck cousin of his from Alabama. He should have noticed right away there was more than one toof.

FakaktaSouth August 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

Hey buddy, go fuck yourself, I have ALL my teeth and they are spectacular. And sharp.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 11:19 am

Are they the wax ones you can buy at a novelty shop?

RadioBowels August 2, 2012 at 11:22 am

I don't know about you, but i wasn't looking at the walrus. That chick, ahem, "acts" very well. But, you are right I'm sure Nolte never even looked on the left half of the screen.

FakaktaSouth August 2, 2012 at 11:22 am

I'm not sure why wax is sharp wherever you live in superior land, but I can ASSURE you, you would not be confused if I bit you. Come here.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 11:26 am

This had better be foreplay…

ph7 August 2, 2012 at 11:09 am

Nolte feels threatened by a walrus stealing the pool of available women.

Jus_Wonderin August 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

My name is Jus_Wonderin, and I must admit I have a monkey on my back and an albatross around my neck.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 12:08 pm

*raises hand*

Bats in the belfry, here.
Also, sometimes when I'm nervous, butterflies in my stomach.

Angry_Marmot August 2, 2012 at 1:40 pm

And a tiger in my tank.
Ladies…

Jus_Wonderin August 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Do you remember when Esso used to give a free tiger tail to hang out/under our gas caps???? I'm an oldz.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 2, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Does a trouser snake count?

An_Outhouse August 2, 2012 at 11:18 am

The comments are precious:

Now, I'm not saying it should be ILLEGAL (it shouldn't — animals are property, you can do what you want with your own property as long as you aren't violating someone else's rights) but it certainly isn't moral or normal psychologically.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 2, 2012 at 11:24 am

At least the libertardian is being consistent.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 12:09 pm

"Now, I'm not saying it should be ILLEGAL (it shouldn't — animals are property, you can do what you want with your own property"

I sure hope this person doesn't have kids.

Generation[redacted] August 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm

He can't have kids from fucking a walrus, can he?

JustPixelz August 2, 2012 at 11:18 am

When someone reaches for the dictionary to make their argument, they've already lost.

Guppy August 2, 2012 at 11:20 am

I've watched the ad, and I feel no perverse sexual lust for a walrus. For the bespectacled brunette, on the other hand…

iburl August 2, 2012 at 11:26 am

You need to watch it as much as Mr. Nolte did. You'll never look at tusks again the same way.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 2, 2012 at 11:20 am

Methinks the goatfucker doth protest too much.

Generation[redacted] August 2, 2012 at 12:22 pm

walrusfucker

finette_ August 2, 2012 at 11:21 am

You know he's just trying to work this into his pre-conceived narrative that says woman-on-walrus is the next step after gay marriage. Taste the Rainbow!

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 2, 2012 at 11:23 am

"thou shalt not fuck a walrus". Unfortunatly Moses' hands were too full for that last stone tablet.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Also, no walruses in the desert.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 2, 2012 at 1:18 pm

"The Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen … oy … ten, ten commandments, for all to obey."

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 2, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I remember my children's illustrated bible. Those things look heavy. Ima go ahead and thank you for god not being smart enough to use paper or papyrus or whatever. Then we would have the 1001 commandments and 900 of them would be about where we should and shouldn't put our privates.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 2, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Funny how it's only your neighbor's wife that's actually off-limits. That leaves a pretty wide open field, when you think about it.

Buckminster August 2, 2012 at 11:28 am

When are we going to get civilized and institute public flogging for such flagrantly bad writing? When?

Jeri 2.0 August 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

By fundie Republican standards any human male having sexual relations with a human female is having sex with a lower life form, we being too stupid to make our own healthcare choices and using inappropriate words in senate hearings and all.

Oh wait! I get it now! Rainbows = accepting teh ghey = accepting pedophilia/bestiality/necrophilia/toe-sucking/gerbil farming/etc. The man's a genius.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 12:13 pm

"By fundie Republican standards any human male having sexual relations with a human female is having sex with a lower life form"

What a coincidence: By my standards, anyone having sexual relations with a Republican is having sex with a lower life form.

Jeri 2.0 August 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

But, anyone having sexual relations with a Republican is a lower life form having sex with a lower life form, so it's like two jackals or badgers or Tasmanian devils going at it, if two jackals or badgers or Tasmanian devils could actually have boring sex.

Larry McAwful August 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

These people have a point, though. Those Five Gum commercials ruined my hearing by getting me to buy huge stereo speakers and lay naked on them while surrounded by ball bearings.

Mine is but a cautionary tale, ladies. Don't let Wrigley's lead you into walrus sex. It can happen here. Really it can.

An_Outhouse August 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

I have seen this stuff i speak of in the course of doing a research paper. If you won't see it for yourself then you cannot know if it poses a threat or not.

'It was all for a research project, really.' This stuff is golden. I always assumed Big Morons visit Big Whatever but I didn't think it would be so blatant.

Generation[redacted] August 2, 2012 at 12:21 pm

The paper was supposed to be on the Lincoln-Douglas debates, but that's how academic exploration works.

Dudleydidwrong August 2, 2012 at 12:24 pm

"I'm just doing this for research purposes." Is this Nolte's new pickup line? At Sea World?

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

"that would like to remove the stigma from bestiality"

I'm thinking that removing the smegma from bestiality is probably the worst job in the pron industry.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

No wonder Lowell Turpin is so jealous. His girlfriend is HAWT!

Estproph August 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

The walrus P-E-N-I-S goes into the anus…

Geminisunmars August 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

Hollywood is just continuing the fine work started by Hieronymus Bosch.

not that Dewey August 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

Post walrus, ergo propter walrus.

DahBoner August 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

Don't look to the Animal Kingdom for "moral values".

Over 1500 species have homo behavior:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavio

WHERE IS THE DEFENSE OF GUT WORM MARRIAGE ACT???

Pragmatist2 August 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

Uh, he missed the big Skittles story. If you go to Skittles.com it greets you with an invitation to "Taste the Rainbow." So really it is gay bestiality going on and that's, as we know, the worst kind.

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

"If you don’t think there’s an agenda behind this, you haven’t been paying attention the last 40 years."

Step 1: Make commercials that subtly imply bestiality.
Step 2: Get everyone to accept that bestiality is OK.
Step 3: ?????
Step 4: Profit!!

MosesInvests August 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Blonde-"No, this is the eggman."

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Where the land-dwellin' wimmenz at?

tessiee August 2, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I watched it with the sound off. Is Zooey Deschanel distressed because she disapproves, or because her roommate didn't share the skittles and/or walrus?

Generation[redacted] August 2, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I agree with Nolte, this is insensitive and offensive to all of us who enjoy having sex with walruses. And those sound effects! It's like they secretly recorded Nolte in the Sea World men's room.

pdiddycornchips August 2, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Why are we blaming the woman here? What about that walrus? Isn't he just as responsible? What about Walrus morality? That walrus was probably paid handsomely to whore himself out like that on national TV. Oh wait, how can we even be sure that's a male walrus? Could this be a lezzie walrus? Impossible to tell but they aren't denying it are they? Also, too, I found this on the google.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/07/walrus-o

pdiddycornchips August 2, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Why are we blaming the woman here? What about that walrus? Isn't he just as responsible? What about Walrus morality? That walrus was probably paid handsomely to whore himself out like that on national TV. Oh wait, how can we even be sure that's a male walrus? Could this be a lezzie walrus? Impossible to tell but they aren't denying it are they? Also, too, I found this on the google.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/07/walrus-o

Biel_ze_Bubba August 2, 2012 at 1:25 pm

A lezzie walra and her girlfriend would be a couple of walrae.

mindo99 August 2, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Sorry, but this commercial is disgusting!

Guppy August 2, 2012 at 12:37 pm

According to Wikipedia, walruses are fond of eating clams.

You're welcome.

HistoriCat August 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Really, Andrew said it more succinctly, "behave yourselves!!"

Generation[redacted] August 2, 2012 at 1:09 pm

"STOP RAPING WALRUSES!"

mavenmaven August 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

What the Breitbart people are really saying is "see, anyone who eats skittles deserves to be shot, so free Zimmerman"

fuflans August 2, 2012 at 1:21 pm

i don't think that lady and that walrus actually happened.

but i guess that's just me.

Angry_Marmot August 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

You're out of your element here, Donnie.

emmelemm August 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

A Bloom County cartoon on Wonkette. This is THE BEST THURSDAY EVER.

imissopus August 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Would that I had more thumbs to give. Or any.

emmelemm August 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Poor little flightless wings. {flap flap flap}

Doktor Zoom August 3, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Extra-special secret: I personally scanned that from my very own copy of the first Bloom book, acquired in college in 1983.

Angry_Marmot August 2, 2012 at 1:47 pm
swordfis August 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm

This is it; the prophecy has been fulfilled: right wing Götterdämmerung, It can't get any worse than this. From here on in, it's drooling and Napoleon hats.

BZ1 August 2, 2012 at 2:57 pm

When you fixate on bestiality, then you see bestiality everywhere!

chascates August 2, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Skittles do refresh the mouth after fellating a horse.

Fraudulently_Joe August 2, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I'd say what I think of John Nolte, but it violates the rules of commenting on this forum. John Nolte, as a paid editor at Breitbart's Decaying Earthly Remains, evidently is under no such restrictions as to what sorts of things are acceptable to say, as he regularly calls for people to be murdered for such crimes as allowing their children appear on television.

TribecaMike August 2, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Our society has been going downhill since the Army started recruiting talking mules in the 1940's.

ttommyunger August 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I cannot for the life of me understand how some people can totally obsess with what others do with their genitals. I've spent over 71 years on this mortal coil and I'm still totally preoccupied with my own.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 2, 2012 at 5:51 pm

What's fascinating to me is that there's an "agenda behind this" — and has been for 40 years. I look forward to reading Nolte's disclosure of who is behind this 40-year-old plot to make Nolte succumb to the temptations of bestiality.

Misty Malarky August 2, 2012 at 6:06 pm

"I has an interspecies sexual relationship!"

"Noooo – They be stealing my interspecies sexual relationship!"

HeartlandLibral August 3, 2012 at 7:47 am

Someone seriously needs to do a psychological profile of these people. There sexual hangups are so blatantly obvious in their self conscious homophobia, there frequent reference to injuring others by anal penetration when they get all hot and bothered during comment wars online; and now this bestiality focus.

Seriously, it's called projection, guys, Psych 101 stuff. Blatantly obvious.

prommie August 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

Which one of the Fantastic Four was made of rubber? Rubber man? He could stretch? That is clearly that walrus's superpower, as well.

actor212 August 2, 2012 at 10:59 am

Mr Fantastic

bobbert August 2, 2012 at 1:31 pm

This reminds me of Plastic Man jokes from my yout'.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 2, 2012 at 11:07 am

Fantastic indeed.

prommie August 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

Thats probably what John Bobbit was hoping, too.

FakaktaSouth August 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

suuuuure it is, I prooooomise, truuuuust meeeee.
I kinda like a guy willing to take chances with the redneck underbelly of society.

FakaktaSouth August 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

Please, Lorena needed a knife – I got angry resentment and something to prove after years of this shit on my side.

prommie August 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

I just know I don't ever want you mad at me. It'd be like Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

Doktor Zoom August 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

"Because he CAN."

Biel_ze_Bubba August 2, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I was thinking Species, but whatever.

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