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Oh noes! Itz a moral crisis -- SRSLY guyz!Has John Nolte of the Breitbart remnant blog Big Hollywood gone completely nuts, or has he perhaps just read so much of his own bullshit that he is incapable of distinguishing his usual brand of faux outrage from absurd self-parody? Or is he actually indulging in self-parody? It would be irresponsible not to speculate! How else can we explain his thoroughly bizarre post that purports to expose the sinister purpose behind a rather odd advertisement for Skittles? Is Nolte serious, or is this a brilliant example of Poe’s Law in action?

Consider, if you will, the stilted intro to the piece:

Skittles is sold and manufactured by the Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company and according to Merriam-Webster, one of the definitions of bestiality is:

sexual relations between a human being and a lower animal

John Nolte is a grown-up human being, a professional screenwriter, blogger, and occasional columnist for what almost counts as a real newspaper, the Washington Times. He is well-known enough to have been honored for writing “the most epically idiotic article on the internet.” And yet he begins an actual article, for which he was presumably paid money, with 1) a complete nonsequitur and 2) a goddamned dictionary definition??? The guy says he’s a traditionalist, but isn’t honoring the conventions of fifth grade Language Arts class taking tradition a little far? This introduction alone suggests that we are being toyed with. In fact, Webster’s defines “taking the piss” as “what that puffed-up dildo Nolte did in that Skittles thing.”

Now, on to Nolte’s actual book report on “Our Friend the Walrus” analysis of the Skittles ad. You see, it’s not merely a kind of stupid ad featuring a woman making out with a computer-generated walrus. No, indeedy — it is part of a coordinated Hollywood “assault to define deviancy down and to normalize destructive behavior.” Wow, this is going to be shocking! Nolte warns the viewer to “Pay special attention to the thoroughly disgusting sound effects:”

“Humor,” Nolte intones, “is an excellent way to get us used to and to take the shock value out of something hideous and immoral.” Indeed! Were it not for the little comic strips, we almost certainly wouldn’t have gone on to chew that awful Bazooka Joe bubble gum. Nolte continues:

If you don’t think there’s an agenda behind this, you haven’t been paying attention the last 40 years. And if you don’t think that there are those who hold the levers of power in our popular culture that would like to remove the stigma from bestiality, you don’t understand the depths of sexual depravity the human animal is capable of.

I used to laugh at loud at the term “slippery slope.”

Then I grew up.

Oh, my. A lady is making slurping sounds with a pinniped, and Nolte says it’s a “slippery slope”? Yes, this is the lowest sort of buffoonery, is it not? The good gentleman is winding us up — he has to be. We know exactly where he’s headed with this. We saw it coming way back in 1982:

[Big Hollywood]

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