important forwarded email news

Tennessee State Rep. Knows Precisely How Obama Will Steal This Election

Who wants to ride my face?Good news, people of Tennessee: we get to discuss your state legislature again this morning! Oh, put away your groans. This guy you’ve got, state Rep. Kelly Keisling, had such a smart insight into the future of American politics that he took the liberty of emailing it to his constituents. How’s the rest of 2012 gonna play, O holy Byrdstown prophet? “A Republican member of the Tennessee state legislature emailed constituents Tuesday morning with a rumor circulating in conservative circles that President Barack Obama is planning to stage a fake assassination attempt in an effort to stop the 2012 election from happening.” What’s that, reader? You don’t take this seriously? Well what if we told you that the rumor came from a “Florida-based conservative blogger”? Mmhmm, yep. It’s all happening.

Here’s where the Obama campaign’s collective political acumen will apparently land us before the election. These guys are canny, what with the total hilarious transparency of their plan.

Rep. Kelly Keisling (R-Byrdstown) sent an email from his state email account to constituents containing a rumor that Obama and the Department of Homeland Security are planning a series of events that could lead to the imposition of “martial law” and delay the election. Among the events hypothesized in the email is a staged assassination attempt on the president that would lead to civil unrest in urban areas and martial law.

What’s amazing — well, a lot of this is amazing — but what’s amazing is that they think Obama would want to be an autocratic ruler for the rest of his life. Does he seem to be enjoying the job that much?

Keisling appears to have forwarded a more widely circulated email from Joe Angione, a Florida-based conservative blogger. Angione prefaces the rumor by saying it has not been confirmed but likewise notes it has not been denied. Angione also writes that people need to work to prevent the rumor from becoming reality.

Wow, let’s tip our cap there to Huffington Post writer John Celock for the understated literary beauty of that trifecta of sentences that so neatly describe how insane hustlers work our politics.

1. Idiot in Florida gets a modem.
2. Idiot in Florida emails fellow idiots some hilarious thing he just made up.
3. Idiot in Florida notes that the hilarious thing he just made up has not been denied.
4. Idiot in Florida says that since the hilarious thing he just made up cannot be denied, people must work to stop it.
5. Every idiot he emailed this to believes him.
6. A wingnut state representative shares the email with his constituents.
7. Idiot liberal bloggers post about this to make fun of him.
8. Wingnut state representative wins reelection.

[HuffPo via bobbert in Wonkville]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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211 comments

    1. actor212

      Well, in fairness, in Florida, Obama could get gunned down just for violating someone's Stand Your Ground rights the second Air Force One hits the tarmac.

  1. smitallica

    Translation: "It's becoming painfully obvious that our terrible candidate is gonna lose, so we have to start seeding the batshit conspiracy theories now so that, three months from now, they appear to be less batshit, but only to us, because we are none too bright and really, really hate the scary black man who will win. Again."

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      That comment is so incisive to Wingnut world and as such is full of win. The one thing you're leaving out is several n-bombs and a few burning crosses for Jesus. Not to mention several "stand your ground" shootings…the wingnut way of trying to thin out the Obama electorate, after all. I'm really shocked none of the Floridiots have suggested that yet.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Damn! Without a compass and map I can't figure out what is the general direction toward Byrdstown, Tennessee from my apartment.

        'Cause if I could figure it out, y'know, there is something I would do.

  2. Barb_

    I read on the ReaganCoalition that Obama plans to steal the election by having Muslim loving terrorists in Spain count the ballots and declare him the winner.
    Yes, I am serious.

      1. sullivanst

        But it was Stalin that said "it's not the votes that count, it's who counts the votes". QED, libtard!~@!1

      2. Barb_

        Soros, it is a game I play every night on Twitter. I read the Reagancoalition and tweet the dumb stuff and TTommy yells at me and tells me to stop reading that crap. Ah, good times!

        ♫ Oh, I've never been to Spain, but I kinda like the Muslims. ♫

  3. Goonemeritus

    I will be working to stop this plot by donating time and money to the Obama campaign. I reason you can’t steal something that is given to you.

  4. Hammiepants

    Sadly, these people are so effed up that if there was an assasination attempt on Barack (god forbid), they would definitely find some way to make it his fault (President Could Have Foiled Assasination Attempt Sooner, says Breitbart News)

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      So what's more preferable? Martial Law imposed because of a fake assassination of a sitting President, or because of the Rapture? Or a Ron Paul Libertarian Regime?

    2. Advn2rgirl

      They already have. From the Waffle House guy in 2008 who tried to kill him because "he is the Antichrist'' to the Nov. 2011 guy who tried to kill him "because he is the Antichrist," the (attempted) hits just keep on comin'.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    Of course, if the plot is successful, all these fuckers are going to be carrying on about "Where's the death certificate?"

    1. Naked_Bunny

      When it doesn't happen, they'll claim to have prevented it by revealing the terrible secret. But there's always the next election!

    2. emmelemm

      They need to think that shit through. Successful plot = Pres. Handsome Joe Biden! He would get medieval on their asses. He has no filter.

  6. el_donaldo

    Next he'll be emailing his constituents to tell them that Obama planted the rumor himself to discredit the Republican morons who actually bought it.

  7. Steverino247

    I read on the internet that __________________________ (insert the most obscene thing you can image Rep. Keisling doing to disabled children, Mom, apple pie, the girl-next-door and cute bunny rabbits).

    1. calliecallie

      I read on the internet that Rep Keisling does your Mom like she was a warm apple pie and makes the disabled child/girl-next door hold a cute bunny rabbit and watch.

      Now forward that email to all your friends. A rumor is born.

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        Here is an example of how these moronic emails gain credibility…

        Do you remember the emails about how shampoo contained INDUSTRIAL CHEMICALS and would melt your head/kill your pets/destroy your credit rating? At one point 15 or so years ago, some low-level admin at UPenn med school forwarded said missive, along with her signature line showing where she worked. This got edited down to CONCLUSIVELY DEMONSTRATE that someone at Penn Med School wrote the whole thing.

        I know this because my wife briefly worked there (temp job) and would field calls from CNN, ABC, and others looking to speak to the author of the study.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Now I've read this on the internet, as well as heard Krugman say it, on NPR no less!

      That is 300% the credibility required for an email forwarded by a wingnub.

  8. Callyson

    a staged assassination attempt on the president that would lead to civil unrest in urban areas and martial law

    Yeah, because civil unrest helps Democrats win elections, like they did in 1968…

    Moran.

  9. SorosBot

    "Angione prefaces the rumor by saying it has not been confirmed but likewise notes it has not been denied."

    Well that settles it; I would also like to note that while the rumor that Angione and Keisling were caught having an orgy with a pack of barnyard pigs has not been confirmed, it has likewise not been denied.

      1. SorosBot

        Well the pigs weren't taking part in the orgy willingly. Or at least the pig rape has not been denied.

    1. Beowoof

      Almost the Fox technique of, "some people say". Which usually means some asshole producer at Fox, said something stupid or racist.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Last year, I visited Dayton, Tennessee while attending an event in the area. I went to the courthouse where the Scopes trial was held, and the museum was curated very properly. It alluded to the trial being both legitimate, and a country-kitsch showpiece.

      The attendant spoke in hushed words to a man with a Carolina foothills timbre, as he declared loudly, "Weyall, erryone knows we didn't eeee-volve from no monkeys. Ah don't know whah this mew-see-um is heeeere. That's just dummmmm."

  10. HempDogbane

    Does this news have something to do with yesterday's shocking revelation that Obama is part black?

  11. WIDTAP

    I noticed that Kelly Keisling did not deny that he is in on the conspiracy and intends to be the shooter of Obama, disabled children, Mom, apple pie, the girl-next-door or cute bunny rabbits.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Somebody over at the Pulitzer Prize-winning Politifact/Tampa Bay Times needs to get cracking on this one, stat!

  13. mavenmaven

    Why do they think Obama is only declaring martial law in the United States? Any Conservative blogger can see that his goal is to take over the whole WORLD!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  14. Billmatic

    I cannot confirm that I am the greatest lover in the history of man kind, but it also hasn't been denied.

  15. James Michael Curley

    7a. Idiot in Florida electrocutes himself trying to have internet sex over the modem.

  16. MadBrahms

    As wingnut conspiracies go this one is a B- at best. Needs more FEMA death camps. Or more Clintons.

    1. Dildeaux

      Then Mr Smartypants, how do you explain the massive ammo purchase conducted by FEMA. Millions of rounds of high caliber bullets. Hunh? WAKE UP MURIKA!!1!
      (yes, this "story" is making the rounds)

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Yeah but, it's okay cause everybody "misfires" once in awhile.

      Sarah Palin: Well, seeing as how Dick — excuse me, Vice President Cheney never misfires, then evidently he's quite convinced that what he evidently read about me by the lame stream media having been written what I believe is a false narrative over the last four years, evidently Dick Cheney believed that stuff and that's a shame so he characterized me as being a mistake.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, his fake assassination of Osama Bin Laden was an overwhelming success, so why not?

  18. prommie

    Speaking of Sterling Hayden, "Do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake? Children's ice cream!…You know when fluoridation began?…1946. 1946, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I think they actually succeeded in their plot, but instead of fluoride, they used high fructose corn syrup.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Throughout Appalachia and much of the South, high fructose corn syrup is sold as toothpaste. Look at the evidence!

    2. Arkoday

      Introducing bodily fluids without individual's knowledge? Bastards. When I try that, they accuse me of date rape.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    I heard Obama is going to fake his own death, and return three days later. That should sew up the election.

  20. jefdlee

    This is the same crowd that accepts the idea of Obama's parents secretly conspiring to leave a false trail of birth notices and public records on the 1 in a bajillion chance their kid would be president someday. They invent false notions like this all the time, then herald their defense of liberty and patriotic freedom when said horrible things don't come to pass. By their logic, it must have been because they exposed the conspiracy.

  21. ph7

    I look forward to reading the full text of the email when forwarded by my very alarmed inlaws in a few days.

    1. Beanball

      I had to de-Friend 2 sets of relatives on Facebook because their constant bombardment of OMG! anti-Obama rumors had put me into a series of near-terminal migraines.

  22. SorosBot

    I heard that Obama plans to win the election by planting a bunch of insane, mostly racist conspiracy theories about himself among his opponents, thereby making them look like a bunch of lunatics who are completely out of touch with reality.

      1. SorosBot

        Gah; every time you try to parody conservatives, it turns out the real ones are already there.

        1. Blueb4sinrise

          Oui. Saw that Load last night. I'm sure some First Rate political blog will deal with it.

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        "Obama's more comfortable with European-style social democracy (aka socialism)."

        The stupidity and ignorance of this twit are simply breathtaking.

  23. BarackMyWorld

    I like how when none of these insane predictions EVER come true, no one ever brings them up again. Go read Rush Limbaugh's "See I Told You So" and see how the 90s was supposed to turn out under Clinton. Or anything Dick Morris ever said about the 2008 election from 2005 to 2007.

    1. MadBrahms

      That's only because they're trying to lull us into a false sense of complacency so they can take our guns. These socialists, they play the long game.

  24. Mittens Howell, III

    Didn't Romney, Santorum and Gingrich try this in the primaries with their fake 'assassination by glitter bomb' stunts?

  25. An_Outhouse

    Why would you impose martial law in order to delay an election? Waiting for Mittens to get a Windows 8 install?

  26. Dildeaux

    The whole "2012 election will be canceled" thing has been around a while. I further the crazy notion every time I visit rw sites. They eat that shit up.

    Then the coversation inevitably turns to gun consfication, FEMA reeducation camps, prepping for the impending financial catastrophe and the coming food wars. Oh, and always hoarde ammo.

    CT has been mainstreamed folks.

  27. sullivanst

    It's not certain that Barack Obama plans to order the FBI to replace the locks on all conservatives' external doors with ones he can control by remote, by I think it's very important that all conservatives start digging tunnels from their houses to the outside, to prevent this devious plan from becoming reality.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      You laugh, but if you put this in comic sans with some clip art angels, and send it out via AOL to the right people…

      War of the Worlds meets Piltdown man sponsored by Bernie Madoff, Wingtard edition

      1. sullivanst

        That's why I picked a suggested remedy that would take a lot of time and effort to complete, and likely wouldn't harm anyone other than the delusional wingnuts themselves.

  28. Jus_Wonderin

    Our security guard (oldz), who somehow has managed to keep his job, loves to show everyone these chain emails. I finally told him that "I am one of those Democrats". He stopped showing me that crap.

    Why exactly is it that these crazies think everybodyelse thinks like them?????

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        You think he'd get a clue, when on Thursdays, I wear my "Real Men Love Jesus…from Behind" t-shirt.

    1. PsycWench

      In social psych it's called "the false consensus bias", although that doesn't explain anything. I particularly like claims of censorship and political correctness to "explain" why all these people agree with them but just won't say so.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        And the absence of any evidence whatsoever is proof positive that the evidence is being suppressed. Crazies think everybody else thinks like them for the obvious reason: they're crazy.

  29. PuckStopsHere

    This all sounds a lot like something I saw on Harry Reid's blog yesterday. Are you sure about your sourcing?

  30. widestanceromance

    Isn't Keisling the guy who has not denied helping Beck rape and murder that girl? I've read no denials about his part in the crime.

    1. HobbesEvilTwin

      Are you referring to that young, white girl that Glen Beck allegedly raped and murdered in 1992, which he hasn't denied?

      1. widestanceromance

        I am not denying a non-denial of that, and, like tax returns, that's all you're gonna get from me.

  31. PubOption

    This is a recycled conspiracy theory. The last time I heard it, W was going to stage a fake assassination attempt, impose martial law….

  32. SayItWithWookies

    Well — we've succeeded in elevating to the highest levels of government people who cannot tell the difference between actual facts and made-up shit. And we are proud of this achievement, no less — all the more stunning because we've become stupider while at the same time reducing lead and mercury poisoning. The ancient Romans would marvel.

    1. ph7

      You gotta give the people what they want, not what they need (to paraphrase Ray Davies). The ancient Romans fed Christians to the lions to please the crowd, too, so they might be a little nonplussed by some random racebaiting.

      1. emmelemm

        I don't disagree; however, I would argue there's a lot of NON-random racebaiting going on these days.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Although I don't know if "Tennessee State Legislator" would exactly qualify as "highest level of government."

  33. ph7

    8. Wingnut state representative wins reelection.

    As Michelle Bachman's constituents can attest, there is no such thing as bad publicity.

    1. SorosBot

      But hey, it's not like the Bushies ever invented fake terrorist threats for political advantage during the 2004 election, and that Tom Ridge even admitted to it after the fact, or anything.

    2. Nostrildamus

      I'd forgotten about that terror alert color chart that always managed to elevate whenever Bush's approval rating dipped.

  34. James Michael Curley

    You all laugh but the real Obama conspiracy to guarantee his reelection has been completed. For over three years he has been plotting to get Mitt Romney the republican nomination.

  35. HobbesEvilTwin

    Numbers 1-7; check
    Number 8; I haz a sad.

    I guess it would be warranted to speculate that the nice representative blows goats, since he hasn't denied that he blows goats, also, too.

  36. MonkeyMotion

    Wow, after reading the Harry Reid rumor about Mitten's 10-year tax dodging, you gotta admit:
    compared to GOPers, Dem's are rank, fucking amateurs when it comes to bat-shit crazy conspiracy theories.

  37. Terry

    Kelly Keisling should agree that if the plot doesn't take place, he'll step down from office and never run for office again.

  38. TootsStansbury

    I can't believe these dopes live in the same universe as the rest of us earthlings let alone share the same country.

  39. Dildeaux

    Wingnut hysteria will exceed Defcon5 when Bamz wins reelection.

    It will be both highly entertaining and deeply dangerous.

  40. Baconzgood

    Joe Angione wears a bra while pouring maraschino cherries down his panties blasting Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jespen.

    He has yet to deny this.

  41. fawkedifiknow

    That guy's email is going to be used in Logic 101 courses around the country, mark my words.

    As a prime example of incoherence, abetted by brainless insanity, on steroids.

  42. ChernobylSoup

    OT: Hearing reports that the drive thru lines at local Chick-fil-a's are backing up onto the interstates. How nice.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      The gay activists are missing a bet if they aren't out there with paint balloons etc. Stonewall lives!

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Oh, this isn't news — whenever I see someone backing up on the interstate I usually figure it's a Chick-fil-A customer.

      Seriously though, there's a CfA near the supermarket where I grab lunch supplies sometimes, and the parking lot there is sheer chaos — mostly because the idiot drivers can't figure out how to turn into the lot when someone else is waiting to turn out of it. There's room enough for two vehicles, but to them it's some sort of geometric impossibility, so they all stop and stare at each other and hope some sort of magical force frees them from their brain-lock. Un-fucking-credible.

    3. James Michael Curley

      August 1 is "Chic-fil-A Day" which I think has been done each year for a while. They have an 18 year old girl with a set of 36DD's flash you as you order. If you get to the payment window with a boner the meal is free, if not; $69.69.

  43. pdiddycornchips

    I am so looking forward to the civil unrest that always follows unsuccessful Presidential assassination attempts. How many of you are old enough to remember the Squeaky Fromme riots?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I remember when Hinckley took his shot at Reagan, I was working at a pool company and we were doing an install when the news came over the radio. Most of my co-workers were Mexican guys, and when they heard that Hinckley had fired on the president with a .22 caliber pistol, I heard one of them say, in a nice heavy cholo accent, "A .22?!? Sheeit, stupid white boy. He should have used a .38 or a .45!!!" I almost fell off the backhoe.

  44. Fraudulently_Joe

    Among the events hypothesized in the email is a staged assassination attempt on the president that would lead to civil unrest in urban areas and martial law.

    You know, I actually get kinda terrified when conspiracy theories like this float around, because it always looks an awful lot to me like wingnuts are working the refs over the actual assassination attempt at least one of these wingnuts probably is actively planning, so as to set the stage to cry "LIBERAL PLANT" if such a thing does materialize.

    1. YouBetcha

      Well thanks for that wet blanket, Joe. I can't even mock the nutters when the idea of an actual assassination attempt looms.

  45. littlebigdaddy

    My impression is the only part of "fake assassination plot" these idjits don't like is the "fake" part.

  46. Redgyal

    I once heard that some people in the USAmerica still can't get over the fact that 'one of them' won the election. It has never been denied.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      That was tried previously, but everyone here was too broke or too cheap or too jobless to buy one and they were all remaindered. I think you might occasionally see one on the back of a Tijuana street orphan beggar (or a Tijuana hooker).

  47. e_z

    So What does Dick Morris have to say on this…or Has the Vince Foster 'example' got his balls back up and out of his scrotal sack?

  48. Thunderclees

    If he's gonna fake his birth certificate, you can be damn sure he's maybe also gonna fake his own assassination. PROVE ME WRONG, BRO.

  49. Chet Kincaid

    I am tired of the farce of these news media think pieces/TV segments on whether or not race relations have "improved" under Obama. (Like on 'The Ed Show' last night.) They always presuppose that there are "two sides" that would contribute to the improvement or deterioration. There isn't! This is entirely on white people. Blacks and Latinos aren't coming up with these ridiculous emails, sending them to everyone they know and forcing them on our elected officials. Blacks and Latinos don't have their ears and eyes glued to resentment-and-paranoia-based media most of the day for fictitious reverse racism that confirms their racism. No sane observer could possibly see any contribution of Obama's into this sick stew at all. This is 100% a white people problem. I wish anyone in the media had the guts to pinpoint what the real issue is, without the absolving generalizations and false equivalency.

    1. James Michael Curley

      All the while the make up department is turning Rev. Al whiter by the week. Depending what show Michael Steele is on depends greatly on his hue.

  50. Abernathy

    Tennessee State Rep. Knows Precisely How Obama Will Steal This Election: Vote for himself using his dead girlfriend's identity?

  51. Millennial Malaise

    Another day, another wingnut projecting their revenge fantasies. Call me when they learn how to do something else besides forward chain letters through AOL.

  52. viennawoods13

    You know who else created a fake crisis in order to consolidate power over a country?

  53. AznMom420

    Kenny Keisling = Vidkun Quisling ?? Scared me so damn bad I had to walk down into the bunker to post this.

    This has not been confirmed by anyone but also it has not been denied, more than enough proof for this Murican.

  54. fishwharf

    Mittens can win the election by getting his good buddy Bibi to have his Mosad operatives stage another false flag attack, thereby proving once and for all that only Republicans can keep us safe from terrorists.

  55. ttommyunger

    These blighted fuckwads and their hysterical chain emails are going to be working their ample asses off between now and November. The more Mittens fucks up, and Barry does not, the more outlandish and insane the tone and content of their internet spitballs will become. We ain't seen nothin yet.

  56. MRjonz

    Oh Man! Would I love to get this rube’s e-mail list! I’d spam-post the following:

    “Only I can prevent the Obamapocalypse! Ex-Navy Seal/CIA Op/Evangelical Minister. Send Tax Deductable $100 Donation (cash or money orders only) to Rich Jones c/o General Delivery, Reno, NV.”

    Who among you doubt that by November I’d farting through silk, basking in luxury, a girl on each arm as I swept through the Atlantis, showering largess on the little people like Croesus.

  57. RedStatePinko

    Try to keep up, morans: OBVIOUSLY the Republican plan is to FAKE a fake ass(ass)ination attempt intended to steal the election, thereby stealing the election. This is not rocket science. Sheesh, you people can be SO 9/10.

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