This little piggy went in Dick Morris's mouthWhy does the Obama administration insist on holding Hillary Clinton “hostage” by making her a kickass Secretary of State who’s awesome at her job and more popular than she’s ever been in her life? Dick Morris would like to know! Or rather, Dick Morris would not like to know, he would just like to assert it, on the Sean Hannity Hour O’Spite, along with some other definitely true suppositions:

“I guarantee you, Sean, based on what I have heard from third parties or I have spoken to, that William Jefferson Clinton is going to cast his ballot for Mitt Romney,” Morris said. “However, he’s going to open his mouth for Barack Obama because his wife is hostage. They have her under lock and key as Secretary of State, and he is scared that Obama will lose and blame him if he undermines Obama. So he will do everything he asks him to do, and then he will jab him whenever he can.”

Is Dick Morris’s assertion more or less true than Harry Reid’s gleeful middle-school rumormongering? We will go with “more,” because Dick Morris is the greatest political operative that has ever lived, and not a disgraced, washed up Fox hack who hasn’t had a gig since the Dole Administration. He knows stuff, man!


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  • nounverb911

    Morris is a bigger dick than Dick Cheney.

  • Holy fucking shit.

    I'm ashamed to admit Morris is from my high school alma mater.

    Another wingnut from my alma mater just committed suicide. I'd trade Satan in a heartbeat on this.

  • viennawoods13

    If I'm not mistaken, Dick was one of the key people responsible for foisting Tundra Barbie on the world. So yeah, he's a dick. And a not very smart one at that.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Methinks Dick here is taking Political Animals a wee bit too literally.

    • Wadisay

      That's the Dick Morris view of Sherry Rowlands.

  • BTW, Editrix, that's a very nice portrait of Morris you found there. I'm amazed at the realism.

    • I offered a suggestion, considered putting it in a reply to you here, then opted for below ChillBill, because "Dicks."

  • Daily Caller is known for featuring Dicks.

    • In keeping with actor212's comment just above you: I'm sorely disappointed the accompanying photo was not in fact an image of smiley-faced penises.

      • Blueb4sinrise

        It's not?

      • Gleem McShineys

        There are plenty of smiley-faced penises already, just watch the videos at FOX.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Fox and "friends"?

  • freakishlywrong

    Dick Morris and Sean Hannity? That's almost like watching William FBuckley and Gore Vidal have political discourse on the teevee. (It's the polar opposite).

    • TribecaMike

      Has Hannity called Morris a fag, like Buckley did to Vidal on national tv?

      • Geminisunmars

        Not yet. Wait for it…

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Actually…given Hannity's book "Let Freedom Ring" with it's graphic page about fisting, his ultra-conservative Catholic upbringing and his near masturbation over David Patreaus in dress uniform…I'm thinking he's the one on the receiving end of many gay assertions.

  • ph7

    Dick, who epitomizes someone talking out of the side of their mouth, actually talks out of the side of his mouth. He's not someone you give your house key to when you leave town.

    • CapnFatowls

      Dick, who epitomizes someone talking sucking prostitutes' toes out of the side of their mouth,

      Feetsed that for you.

  • Pragmatist2

    This is self-parody of self-parody.

  • Boojum

    Dick is self-explanatory.

  • freakishlywrong

    Such a twat, this Dick.

    • Nothingisamiss


  • BornInATrailer

    Bill is going to vote for Mitt? We could feed Morris the cat Scrabble tiles are he'd shit out a more sane statement. And he's dead.

    • Crank_Tango

      yes, the important thing, (casting a vote in where, NY?) he will do for Romney, but he will otherwise do something pointless and campaign for Nobama because Hills can't quit her job? OK.

  • Billmatic

    When I think of Hillary Clinton, I think 'helpless, spineless patsy." Don't you?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Maybe "helpless, spineless pantssuit." The contents of said suit? Not so much.

    • prommie

      I think of "Dull, dutiful grind." Achievement through relentless mediocrity.

      • Redgyal

        I think she is tired of politics after the 2008 election.

  • Baconzgood

    I always trust hearsay.

  • CapeClod

    Dick Morris: A broken clock who's hands fell off , thus assuring us that he will never be right.

    • He should stick to sucking the toes of prostitutes instead of teabagging Sean Hannity.

      • bibliotequetress

        And Rebecca get big kudos for reminding us in PICTURES that the only worthwhile thing to pass through Morris' lips was the spit-pruned toes of a DC call girl. Thanks!

  • Where is this guy from 13th Century France?

  • anniegetyerfun

    I heard Dick was named for the organ that he was born without.

    • LetUsBray

      And that explains why his full name is Dick Brain Morris.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    The only reason anyone from Bill's inner circle would be feeding this info to Dick would be to make Dick look stupid and incompetent on national teevee. Mission accomplished!

  • Goonemeritus

    Dick Morris probably didn’t get a Christmas card from the Clinton's this year. I doubt anyone who voted for a Democratic candidate in the last decade would even speak to him with the possible exception of a prostitute catering to foot fetishists.

  • Another Dick in politics.

  • el_donaldo

    Bender: "Shut up, and pay attention to me, Bender."

  • widestanceromance

    Third party sources. What more to say?

    • lobsterboy22

      Or Mr. Sick Id.

  • HempDogbane

    Reading that made me stupider than did reading the thing from Harry. But not by much.

  • Yeah, when I want reliable political insider gossip, I usually go find a hack operative featured on Hannity who can't even find a woman whose toes he can suck for free.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Actually, I would have no trouble believing that Bill Clinton would vote for a Republican. Other than having sex with women, he had more in common with Republican leaders than any other Democratic Pres in history.

    • prommie

      Fuck Him, fuck yeah. NAFTA free trade centrist glass-steagall repealing bankster-owned working-class seller-out Clinton, I despise him.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Good lord. I need to just give you a list of all the people you can malign and hurt my feelings over. I am now going to do everything I can to make sure you see me cry when Bill does his speech at the convention. I love when he does the talking thing.

        • Chichikovovich

          You think that's bad. Wait 'til he tells you his opinion of Nick Saban.

          • FakaktaSouth

            He actually already got me way hard there. He asked me "who's your coach down there again?" Just shut up. It was heart-piercing, I tell you. One thing we are for sure is way over confident of our own obviously recognized greatness.

    • tessiee

      "I would have no trouble believing that Bill Clinton would vote for a Republican"

      I can believe that Bill Clinton might possibly vote for "a Republican", if he thought there was any advantage to him in doing so. That said, there's no scenario I can believe or imagine where Bill Clinton votes for Mitt.

  • mavenmaven

    The GOP must be very worried if they are hoping that making Clinton a Republican will win them votes…

  • SorosBot

    The media really loves the idea of massive hatred between Obama and the Clintons despite the complete lack of evidence anything like it actually exists.

    • freakishlywrong

      Dick Morris and Muffintop there, are unfortunately, the "media".

    • But there was massive hatred between a tiny segment of Hillary and Barack supporters, so the PUMAs that became tea partiers are clearly the spokespeople for the party at large.

    • prommie

      Their common owners, the people from Goldman-Sachs, would not allow their slaves to squabble, anyway.

    • tessiee

      There's an old Saturday NIght Live sketch where Bill Clinton gets wild applause and cheers just by walking out onto a stage and waving to the audience. President Obama also seems quite popular, hence the right's bitter resentment of him as a "cult figure".

      Because the right is massively stupid AND has a grotesque sense of entitlement, they expect to be loved and revered — even though they're loathsome, venal, and do everything in their power to hurt and alienate Americans. They dimly realize that nobody likes them, don't understand why, and because they're unwilling to correct their flaws (or even acknowledge that they have them), they react with baffled resentment towards anyone who succeeds where they have so resoundingly failed.

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        I think it's even simpler than that: they don't understand how we could possibly want to hold our own people to account, and criticize them publicly while still supporting them in other ways. They think "nuance" is that fancy perfume they picked up at the airport duty-free store for the wifey on the way back from a fact-finding junket to Amsterdam.

        Their M.O. is to circle the wagons and shriek like monkeys to defend their guy, no matter what he's done or how badly the association with him will hurt them. Doing anything else means you've changed sides.

  • JCE1985

    On my way up to Maine this past weekend with some friends, we scoped out the Hannity radio show and he's pretty terrible. Not just in what he says, but in how he says it. He stumbles over his words, he rambles with no point, clearly reads what's on his sheets too quickly (thus, skips words) and, most importantly, you can almost picture him holding back swear words in lieu of his attempts to sound like a professional journalist.

    But the funniest thing, albeit unsurprising, is that he created these silly names for people like Rahm Emmanuel and Louis Farrakhan (Rahm Deadfish and Screwy Louie, respectively) while discussing how Obama is evil because he's willing to work diplomatically with potentially antagonistic Middle Eastern government reps. And that just "ticks him off!"

    Oh, and sorry Hannity, but "Stop Obama Express" is nonsensical.

    • ttommyunger

      He has legions of faithful who pay money and drive to see him in person with other notable local minor luminaries. His entrance is always accompanied by pyrotechnics and grand music and he strides onstage looking slightly rumpled and full of himself. A perfect example of how bereft this Country is of real Heroes. I hope his mother is very proud of him, for her sake.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Dick Morris is the new GM food from Monsanto.

  • AddHomonym

    You can certainly trust a statement that begins, "based on what I have heard from third parties…"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Heard from anonymous third parties … and coming from Dick Morris … and emitted on the Hannity Baggery Hour. That's a trifecta of reliability if ever there was one.

  • An_Outhouse

    Oh dear. There must have been something bad on the prostitute's toes that Dicky was sucking.

  • Dick Morris stands out in the Washington herd of petty thieves and scalawags. He is a giant among turncoat lackeys.

  • Guppy

    Because Bill has to rescue the little lady.

    Ah, my morning dose of Fox News misogyny. I can now properly start my day.

  • JustPixelz

    Hey this is fun game!

    From what I've heard Marcus Bachmann is going to cast his ballot for Barak Obama. However he's going to open his mouth for Mitt Romney …. OH! Because his wife is a hostage, blah, blah, blah.

    Third party sources tell me Sarah Palin is going to cast her ballot for Barak Obama. However she's going to open her mouth for Mitt Romney because Bristol is a hostage of DWTS.

    Willard Mitt Romney will vote for Barak Obama, but will open his mouth for himself. No, his wife is not a hostage. He just neurotically needs to take two opposite, positions on every question.

    • Stevola

      I won't make a joke about Marcus opening his mouth for Romney. Really, I won't. No.

  • Dick Morris killed Vince Foster.

  • Mahousu

    However, he’s going to open his mouth for Barack Obama because his wife is hostage.

    Hey, I saw a movie once with this as the theme. "Sex Slaves of Mars" was the title, I think.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    You go onto Hannity with the right-wing fantasies you have, not the fantasies you wish you had.

  • Callyson

    based on what I have heard from third parties or I have spoken to

    Those third parties are such sluts. First they tell Harry Reid that Mittens hasn't paid taxes, then they tell this guy that Barry is keeping Hillz as a sex slave. They need to pick one nice guy and settle down already…

  • Just asking – do the commenter guidelines permit expression of a desire to throw acid in the face of this talking sack of shit, then feed him alive and screaming through an industrial-strength wood chipper? Would such a commenter need to qualify such a desire with the term "with votes"?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Of course. But you can't forget the whole "sodomize him with a red hot poker (of votes)" as well.

    • I personally would like to stake him out…with votes….over an army anthill's polling place, then let the workers peck at him…with votes…until the vultures circling overhead notice his rotting votes and begin to peck his eyes out…with votes.

    • Steverino247

      You can do what you want, son. Just don't skullfuck the bastard. Got it?

    • tessiee

      "feed him alive and screaming through an industrial-strength wood chipper feet first"


  • arduinohacker

    So what happened, Dick? You and the Clinton's used to be BFF's—– something musta gone down. Were they really cool to the idea of a footsie-threesome?

    • "Say, Chelsea, that's nice nail polish you got there…mind if I take a closer look?"

  • rickmaci

    Mr. Morris, "what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

    • anniegetyerfun

      This remains one of the greatest paragraphs ever constructed in the English language.

  • prommie

    Hey, there is this very interesting feature article in New York magazine this week, and I think it mentioned Dick Morris, right at the beginning.

  • smitallica

    Dick Morris is Fox News' Clinton "insider," and he has not spoken to either of the Clintons in over a decade because they hate his fucking guts.

    Tells you all you need to know.

    • Well, he does mention "third parties".

      But you'll note he doesn't say "third parties who'd know" or "third parties who aren't making shit up out of whole cloth" or even "third parties who aren't batshit crazy"

  • Terry

    "“I guarantee you, Sean, based on what I have heard from third parties or I have spoken to, that William Jefferson Clinton is going to cast his ballot for Mitt Romney,”"

    Dick, and I call you Dick both because it's your name and what you are, I will take that bet. Bubba don't play that way.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Dick Morris is going to vote for Obama, but open his mouth against Obama because if there was a Republican in the White House, Hannity would have no reason to bring this idiot on the show.

  • Manhattan123

    I'm surprised Morris takes the toes of the prostitutes he frequents out of his mouth long enough to spew forth this nonsense.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Fuck him. That doesn't make any sense.

  • DalePues

    You know how I know I'm a liberal? Because I hate Dick Morris.

  • fawkedifiknow

    "Some people call him (Dick) Maurice
    Cause he speaks of the pompitous of love (of toe sucking)

  • And rumor has it that tonight Ed Schultz is going to announce that Ann Lois Romney is going to cast her vote for Barack Obama; however, she'll have to open her mouth for Mittens because a) it's the only way he likes it except for anal, which she won't do, and b) she doesn't have any more crippled horses to sell to unsuspecting buyers and needs the paycheck.

  • PsycWench

    I guess my college is holding me hostage as an (evil) psychology teacher, by that definition. I didn't think hostages got paid but maybe I'm still in the Patty Hearst mindset.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I have to say this is my 7th year anniversary today of working at the best software (games) company in the world. I am a hostage too!!

    • ph7

      Bill Clinton may be no Stephen Weed, but Hillary is our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart (how I long to see her face photographed in 15 second intervals in a bank in San Leandro).

  • Thunderclees

    "On the next Hannity, Dick Morris tells us who Sherry Rowlands will vote for."

  • Bill Clinton wants to vote for Mitt Romney? Did I miss the day where Bill Clinton was skull fuc*ed in the ear by a re†ard stick?

  • Joey_Blau

    "He knows stuff, man!"

    "Hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense."

  • Estproph

    Considering Dick Morris is a giant ass, it's hard to tell from which part of him he pulled that remark.

  • Steverino247

    Interesting how the most widely traveled Secretary of State we've ever had is under lock and key.

  • vodkamuppet

    Can't put my finger on exactly why but something about this seems completely outlandish to me. Must be the liberal media poluting my objectivity.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    How prescient of his parents to name him Dick.

  • Barb_

    I have a reliable source who tells me that Bill misses Hillary so much that he travels with a pair of her Spanx in his trouser pocket. He keeps them bunched up and close to his loins and when he is feeling stressed or lonely he will reach into his pocket and stroke his thumb across them as he remembers his lady love, and tingles at the thought of their reunion.

    • Geminisunmars

      Excuse me, but, oh yuk.

    • tessiee


  • Hot Rumor:

    Mitt Romney is just so fed up with concerns about being a Morman that he's on the VERGE of converting – to Islam!

    • DahBoner

      Or Mexican.

  • James Michael Curley

    No one would hold Hillary hostage. They would have to see her when she wakes up in the morning and coop with her before she has had her coffee.

  • Geminisunmars

    Since it is hard to enunciate when one's mouth is full of toe, it was hard to make out that he was really saying "turd patties".

  • DahBoner

    Prostitute Toe Suckers are Fox News pundits too, my friends…

  • tessiee

    "“I guarantee you, Sean, based on what I have heard from third parties or I have spoken to, that William Jefferson Clinton is going to cast his ballot for Mitt Romney,” Morris said."

    *mutters under breath* Oh, for the love of SHIT.

    If you know anyone who is brain-damaged enough to give this statement even one second of thought, would you please give them directions to my house and tell them that I have some diamonds in my yard that I'd be willing to sell them?

  • LetUsBray

    Sounds like someone is still bitter his big prediction of a Hillary-Condi election didn't pan out. Which is pathetic, because that was just stupid.

  • Gleem McShineys

    “I guarantee you, Sean, based on what I have heard from third parties or I have spoken to, that Dick Morris wants to tell the truth. However, he’s going to open his mouth for FOX News because his kinky perversion is hostage. They have him under lock and key as a pundit, and FOX is scared that Romney will lose and FOX will blame him if he undermines Romney. So he will say everything FOX asks him to say, and then he will suck whore toes whenever he can.”

  • Nostrildamus

    Makes sense. Hillz is so meek, soft-spoken and powerless. Such an easy person to kidnap.

  • Just remember Political Rule 13: Whatever Dick Morris says, the opposite is true. Just ask President Hillary Clinton or President Condeleeza Rice.

  • ttommyunger

    I googled "Irrelevant Pussyfart" and Tricky Dick Morris' picture popped up.


    I'm kind of confused as to what happened to Dick Morris. He clearly went insane at some point… he went from being a trusted adviser to Bill Clinton (who I don't think of as someone who suffers fools) to being the complete lunatic he is today.

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