ALSO NOT JESUS  10:30 am August 1, 2012

Veep Hopeful Rob Portman Just Like Mel Gibson But Not So Psycho, Maybe

by Lloyd Dangle

Lion-hearted, and balledMitt Romney is rumored to be close to selecting a running mate, and there’s a testosterone-laden badass on the short hairs list.

Ohio Senator Rob Portman told the Associated Press that after flipping his kayak in Chile earlier this year he went adrenalin-mad like Mel Gibson in “Lethal Weapon 2″ and popped his dislocated shoulder back into place by smashing it against a rock. Portman has the balls of a lion!

It’s been predicted that the dullard Romney would pick a cipher with zero personality so as not to overshadow himself. Selecting Portman, who is Iron Man in real life, would come as a shock to many.

The advantage of Portman as VP is that, should Romney die in office, Portman could overpower terrorists on a plane like Harrison Ford did in “Air Force One.”

The only sticking point for Romney may be that Portman is totally gay for Mel Gibson.

Portman said he thought of the 1989 movie “Lethal Weapon 2,” when the Gibson character escapes a straitjacket by intentionally dislocating his shoulder, then gets it back in place by crashing against a file cabinet.

“Honestly, that was what flashed through my mind‚ Mel Gibson. So I took my shoulder, slammed it against the rock, and the shoulder popped in. I couldn’t feel my arm, but I could use my arm. I was able to swim to shore.”

Romney is expected to name his running mate as soon as his dressage horse, Rafalca, finishes performing at the Olympics, unless he really, really needs to change a news cycle before then.

[ABC News]

 
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{ 122 comments }

metamarcisf August 1, 2012 at 10:35 am

Rob Portman is livid over rumors linking him to cattle mutilations in the southwest.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

You'll notice no one around him is named Elliot. That would be a dead giveaway.

SayItWithWookies August 1, 2012 at 11:21 am

Some say cattle mutilations, some say pregnant chinchillas — who can tell, really?

WunkRocker August 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And apparently Lion mutilations "Portman has the balls of a lion!" Maybe like good republicans though he keeps them in his mouth, or on his chin?

chicken_thief August 1, 2012 at 10:35 am

Or he could have just stood up and walked to shore.

Arken August 1, 2012 at 10:39 am

Yes, but then the only way he could be like Mel Gibson is insult Jews and Romney is already going there.

Terry August 1, 2012 at 10:55 am

You beat me to it.

Obviously, a person needs to draw first aid recommendations from an action movie when faced with a long swim of about six or seven kicks at most.

Advn2rgirl August 1, 2012 at 10:35 am

I'm glad he didn't get it trapped in a crevasse.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 10:44 am

True, it's a good thing his nose has gotten that far up Romney's magic undies

BornInATrailer August 1, 2012 at 11:00 am

Forget that, with this overreaction let's hope he never gets his hand stuck in a Pringles can.

EDIT: OH NO. I just remembered what Gibson did in The Beaver.

SorosBot August 1, 2012 at 10:35 am

"It’s been predicted that the dullard Romney would pick a cipher with zero personality so as not to overshadow himself."

This is good news for T-Paw!

HempDogbane August 1, 2012 at 11:37 am

T-Paw will come out now with his own man-of-action story. Maybe how his wife lets him fish now and then.

Biff August 1, 2012 at 10:36 am

As someone who has dislocated both shoulders, (both at once, that one time), I call bullshit.

Guppy August 1, 2012 at 11:12 am

Are you doubting his self-diagnosis?

Biff August 1, 2012 at 11:29 am

There is simply no point during the course of a shoulder dislocation and subsequent reduction where you cannot feel your arm, and especially no point where you can't feel your arm and yet still be able to use your arm. There's some either/or, cause/effect stuff that goes on. While dislocated, it hurts like hell. After reduction, it hurts like a lesser circle of hell, but by comparison it's nearly orgasmic.

BerkeleyBear August 1, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I was about to write the same thing. I had one dislocated in a gruesome wrestling incident (never let people try new moves out on you if you don't trust their comprehension of instructions) and the other I damaged overcompensating for the weakness from the first.

Doing what he's talking about is a recipe for making a bad injury much worse. Either it wasn't a major dislocation, in which case this was a massive overreaction, or he didn't apply proper counter pressure and probably did more harm than good.

The only way I can think of where he'd be numb afterwords would be if his little stunt pinched a nerve when he smashed it back in. But that would make the arm almost impossible to use, since you can't feel shit and generally have little to no control.

Baconzgood August 1, 2012 at 10:36 am

Is he an anti-semite too?

SorosBot August 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

And has he said to his wife, "You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n—–s, it will be your fault."?

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

Hey, for some Republicans, that's foreplay.

DemmeFatale August 1, 2012 at 10:36 am

Meh.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 10:45 am

That, of course, will be his Secret Service name: Meh Gibson

freakishlywrong August 1, 2012 at 10:36 am

Romney is expected to name his running mate as soon as his dressage horse, Rafalca, finishes performing at the Olympics,
One of the saddest, funniest and prescient sentences describing Ameriaduh in her twilight. Just says it all.

Biff August 1, 2012 at 10:49 am

Especially if by "Olympics" you mean "Monday Night Rehab", then yes.

SexySmurf August 1, 2012 at 10:37 am

I hope during the debates he calls Joe Biden "sugar tits."

Urban_Achiever August 1, 2012 at 11:05 am

Ahem,..pointing out the obvious here, BUT: Doesn't he realize that Mel Gibson is pretty much NOBODY's ideal of a super-cool action hero anymore??

FakaktaSouth August 1, 2012 at 10:37 am

Yes, yes, very manly, Rob. Now do the one where Mel gets skinned alive. THAT would be a good trick.

YasserArraFeck August 1, 2012 at 10:44 am

"FREEEEEEEDOMMMMM!!!"

prommie August 1, 2012 at 10:57 am

Some people think its manly NOT to tip over your boat and fuck yourself up.

FakaktaSouth August 1, 2012 at 11:03 am

I do enjoy people who can handle their business, but where's your spirit of adventure? What's a cruise without some torn ligaments and at least one capsizing? Pussy liberals man, they ruin all the fun.

prommie August 1, 2012 at 11:09 am

There was a grounding and an emergency running-gear inspection drifting solo in open water, you know what the cook from New Orleans said in Apocalypse Now? "Don't get out of the boat."

Spirit of adventure? Are you fucking kidding me? Where is MY spirit of adventure?

FakaktaSouth August 1, 2012 at 11:12 am

Yes, where IS your throw caution to the wind and just do that crazy thing that might change everything, or just sink your boat. Spirit.
I am very high-spirited.

Goonemeritus August 1, 2012 at 10:37 am

As much as I am for Republicans throwing themselves against boulders I still am not excited by this pick.

Barb_ August 1, 2012 at 10:38 am

Romney should pick Palin instead. She can unhinge her jaw to eat her prey and I am certain that she's escaped many a straitjacket.

weejee August 1, 2012 at 11:02 am

I thought it was Bachmann who was the straightjacket escapee. I get so confused trying to keep track of these Teatarded nutzos.

Barb_ August 1, 2012 at 11:04 am

They are both crazy. : )

Pragmatist2 August 1, 2012 at 10:38 am

He should have thought of Houdini.

chicken_thief August 1, 2012 at 10:38 am

OT, but does anyone know if "Rafalca" means "tax deduction" in a native Cayman Island tongue?

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 10:50 am

The Cayman proto-language was Taino via Arawak, so indeed it does!

DahBoner August 1, 2012 at 12:44 pm

If you say it backwards, sounds like "Paul is …dead"

Baconzgood August 1, 2012 at 10:39 am

I'd totally fuck his daughter Natalie.

SorosBot August 1, 2012 at 10:39 am

If Portman is Iron Man in real life, then he would be a strong supporter of the Superhuman Registration Act; which goes right along with his anti-freedom opposition to abortion rights, birth control and gay marriage.

HateMachine August 1, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Oh please, Iron Man's support of the SRA is clearly an assault on our Second Amendment rights to mutant bear-arms. He's one of those terrible big gubmint liebruls, no mistake.

(no shit, I would kill for a picture of Cap standing at the podium at a National Superpower Association rally, shield raised, saying "From my cold, dead hands!")

macv507 August 1, 2012 at 10:39 am

American rivers aren't good enough for him. He kayaks in socialist Chile what the fuck?

Fraudulently_Joe August 1, 2012 at 10:40 am

Honestly, that was what flashed through my mind‚ Mel Gibson. So I took my shoulder, slammed it against the rock[...]

Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction to Apocaylpto, also.

SexySmurf August 1, 2012 at 10:40 am

Yeah, but can he shovel shit?

(Let it be noted I was the first to make a Thunderdome reference)

Advn2rgirl August 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

Not shit; methane! Duh.

SorosBot August 1, 2012 at 10:49 am

Oh come, can't we just get beyond Thunderdome?

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 10:51 am

We don't need another hero.

chicken_thief August 1, 2012 at 10:40 am

Portman's hair is just the right length.

weejee August 1, 2012 at 11:03 am

For attending funerals, the Veep's job #1?

ChillBill August 1, 2012 at 10:41 am

He's only exciting when compared to T-Paw.

MOG2410 August 1, 2012 at 12:41 pm

That works for just about everyone.

Mumbletypeg August 1, 2012 at 10:43 am

predicted that the dullard Romney would pick a cipher with zero personality ..not … Iron Man

Bland eggs/ Spicy Bacon 2012!!

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 10:43 am

Why is there nobody in the photo up top? Where is Portman?

mavenmaven August 1, 2012 at 10:44 am

Good for Portman that he didn't know Romney back in Chile, because when a dressage horse injures itself like that, it just gets a bullet to the head and they buy a new one.

prommie August 1, 2012 at 11:26 am

With the insurance money.

chicken_thief August 1, 2012 at 11:30 am

And a tax deduction for the bullet.

user-of-towels August 1, 2012 at 10:44 am

That's nothing; you should see who Romney has lined up for Ambassador to South Africa.

DaSandman August 1, 2012 at 10:45 am

And you can use his forehead as a hammer or use his ears as a handle. Either or. Your call.

YasserArraFeck August 1, 2012 at 10:45 am

It's a wonder his giant brass balls didn't pull him under.

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 10:47 am

Hollow

Like most Republicans.

YasserArraFeck August 1, 2012 at 10:52 am

so you're saying that most 'Tards have a pair of…..buoys…..between their sweaty, trembling thighs?

actor212 August 1, 2012 at 10:55 am

I think you misspelled "boys"

YasserArraFeck August 1, 2012 at 11:03 am

Where I come from, "buoy" is pronounced "boy", as in "buoyancy"*, rather than "boo-ey".
*not to be confused with "boy-antsy" – the condition a RepubliTard finds himself in right before he calls 1-800-RENTBOY

freakishlywrong August 1, 2012 at 10:47 am

Wasn't this turd the OMB goblin for Dubya? That doesn't make him boring; it makes him terrifying.

BarackMyWorld August 1, 2012 at 11:06 am

For a whole year during parts of '06 and '07. Executive experience!

elviouslyqueer August 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

The whiteness. It is BLINDING.

AbandonHope August 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

Well, that settles it, now I'm totally pumped for Rob Portmzzzzzzzzz

tessiee August 1, 2012 at 12:54 pm

This made me guffaw.

FlownOver August 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

Chimpy's budget director! Bring it on!

TribecaMike August 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

"… after flipping his kayak in Chile earlier this year…"

How do you say "I bet you can squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee! " in Chilean?

le petit mort August 1, 2012 at 10:51 am

"Apuesto a que puede chillar como un cerdo."

-Google translate, where you can go and misrepresent idioms in thousands of languages.

Joshua Norton August 1, 2012 at 10:49 am

We already had a real, live "action hero" politician in here Cally-fornia who ran his term based on insane plots of summer blockbusters. Didn't work out well for us or him.

chicken_thief August 1, 2012 at 11:32 am

Or the maid.

MOG2410 August 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Or the taxpayers.

Oblios_Cap August 1, 2012 at 10:49 am

I hope Rmoney picks Cantor as his VP nominee.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 1, 2012 at 10:55 am

I get nauseous whenever I see that smarmy face … I'd go nuts if his mug was everywhere.

YasserArraFeck August 1, 2012 at 10:49 am

You're not a real GOP man until you (a) clear brush in the noon-day sun, and (b) get shot in the face and respond with "Thank you Sir, may I have another?"

freakishlywrong August 1, 2012 at 10:57 am

I know right? Weird how they're all chicken hawks..

YasserArraFeck August 1, 2012 at 11:12 am

I think it's clear that there are no Real GOP Men (TM). GW could never get his lazy ass out of the scratcher early enough to clear brush by noon, and Harry Whittington yelled "Jesus, Dick – you shot me!"*, thereby eliminating himself from competition.

*Fortunately, he didn't yell this in an antagonistic manner, or Cheney would've been completely justified in giving him the second barrel.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 1, 2012 at 10:53 am

A VP who can slam Mitt into a file cabinet, and reboot him, might be a good thing.

YasserArraFeck August 1, 2012 at 10:56 am

I'm pretty sure they store Mitt in a file cabinet when he's not activated for public appearances

DahBoner August 1, 2012 at 12:40 pm

That only works on tube logic. The Mittborg uses the latest Quantum Computers.

"Spooky action from a distance"

BarackMyWorld August 1, 2012 at 10:57 am

The beltway press seems to have already given Portman the VP nomination.

KeepFnThatChicken August 1, 2012 at 10:59 am

He looks like Jon Huntsman and David Barton had a child.

ph7 August 1, 2012 at 11:04 am

Yeah. I mean, you have to be a masochist for not popping your shoulder back in place – it hurts like hell until you get things right again. You don't get a badge for doing the least painful thing.

Eve8Apples August 1, 2012 at 11:01 am

Portman was recently diagnosed with Erectile Dysfunction. He cured it by pounding his schlong with a rock.

DahBoner August 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm

When he wants a burger, he throws a cow at a chain-link fence…

prommie August 1, 2012 at 11:01 am

I just pray Romney goes for the McCain style "Hail Mary" Veep pick and taps the Tub-O-Lard from Jersey. Man, I would love love love that.

SorosBot August 1, 2012 at 11:04 am

And he's even angrier and more petulant than Romney's "Kiss my ass!" aide.

prommie August 1, 2012 at 11:14 am

He's angrier and more petulant than Mel Gibson yelling at Joe Eszterhas.

tessiee August 1, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"Romney goes for the McCain style "Hail Mary" Veep pick and taps the Tub-O-Lard from Jersey"

And by "taps", you mean…?

HistoriCat August 1, 2012 at 1:25 pm

No chance for Allen West then? Now I AM sad.

Fare la Volpe August 1, 2012 at 11:03 am

If only he had copied that other Mel Gibson movie.

The Passion.

KeepFnThatChicken August 1, 2012 at 11:05 am

http://www.spartus.net/stuff/church/churchsign8.j

slightly safe, unless religious

ph7 August 1, 2012 at 11:08 am

Isn't kayaking in Chile even more elitist than windsurfing in Cape Cod?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 1, 2012 at 11:11 am

Anti-choice, pro-gun, anti-regulation, and backs the Ryan budget — if you ignore that he sometimes talks to Democrats, he's pretty much a perfect 10 on the GOPtard scoresheet.

But who the heck is he supposed to appeal to, who's not already on board the beat-Obama-at-any-cost bandwagon?

Come here a minute August 1, 2012 at 11:12 am

The blue face paint will look great at the VP debate.

gogogodzilla August 1, 2012 at 11:12 am

Meh. It's not like he did his own appendectomy or something.

NellCote71 August 1, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Or gave birth.

BarackMyWorld August 1, 2012 at 11:14 am

Hey, remember how the wingnuts tried to claim Palin was the most qualified person on either ticket to be president based on her 2 years as a governor, because being a governor, even of a state with no people, is so fucking hard and important and just exactly like being president? Either everyone's going to collectively forget this, or there will be a chorus of whining if Mit picks someone from Congress.

mrblifil August 1, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Liz Cheney said just a day or so ago that Palin is still more qualified than Obama and Biden COMBINED. I wonder how many hours a day Liz Cheney spend screaming at her walls?

BarackMyWorld August 1, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Liz Cheney evidently thinks actually being president isn't experience enough to be president.

Guppy August 1, 2012 at 11:17 am

Are there any witnesses? Are we sure he was in Chile and not, say, hiking the Appalachian Trail in Argentina?

HistoriCat August 1, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I would say "come on – look at that guy! No way" … but then I remember that Sanford was another boring looking white guy. So it may be unlikely but you can't rule it out, can you?

Fraudulently_Joe August 1, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I've heard from third party sources that haven't confirmed this, but have been unable to deny it.

So, it's pretty much 10000% true.

An_Outhouse August 1, 2012 at 11:36 am

Apparently pirannhas don't live in the rivers in Chile. That would have been more impressive if he survived.

littlebigdaddy August 1, 2012 at 11:44 am

Or those fish that climb up the urine stream into your junk. THAT would've been hilarious. And I am not sure what Mel would've done in that circumstance.

littlebigdaddy August 1, 2012 at 11:43 am

Douthat is holding out hope that Rmoney goes with Piyush. I doubt it because, really, the Rmoneys can't deal with skin tone darker than that of a Colombian polo player.

SayItWithWookies August 1, 2012 at 11:59 am

If there's one thing that makes Rob Portman stand out amongst the slate of potential VPs who are all uninteresting corporate tools with minimal personalities, then nobody's found it yet. Which I guess makes him perfect for the job.

Thunderclees August 1, 2012 at 11:59 am

Last year, Marco Rubio cut himself while shaving and used gunpowder to cauterize the wound.

BlueStateLibel August 1, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Huh, two can play that game. Last time I was out hiking, a massive Kodiak bear attacked me, nearly decapitating me with one swipe of his mighty paw. Using only thread from my sleeping bag, I managed to stitch my head back on properly. Then I thought of Mel Gibson, and cursed that bear out, so he ran away. How's that, Rob Portman?

MOG2410 August 1, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Cross stitch or blanket?

DahBoner August 1, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Yes, but does he jetski with naked Supermodels on his back, huh?

No? Rob Portman sounds gay to me…

fuflans August 1, 2012 at 1:22 pm

mittens should pick the most interesting man in the world.

not that it would really help, but still i like that guy.

Ducksworthy August 1, 2012 at 3:19 pm

He is muy blanco.

fishwharf August 1, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Rafalca would be Mittens's perfect running mate. She's well trained, a good dancer and she doesn't talk back. She comes with a nice tax break and she's quite a bit smarter than the last GOP VP candidate.

ttommyunger August 1, 2012 at 11:04 pm

What a guy!

Negropolis August 2, 2012 at 2:56 am

Flipping one's kayak in Chile is code for something, right?

prommie August 1, 2012 at 11:18 am

It all comes down to what Sterling Hayden said: "What does a man need – really need? A few pounds of food each day, heat and shelter, six feet to lie down in – and some form of working activity that will yield a sense of accomplishment. That’s all – in the material sense, and we know it. But we are brainwashed by our economic system until we end up in a tomb beneath a pyramid of time payments, mortgages, preposterous gadgetry, playthings that divert our attention for the sheer idiocy of the charade. The years thunder by, The dreams of youth grow dim where they lie caked in dust on the shelves of patience. Before we know it, the tomb is sealed. Where, then, lies the answer? In choice. Which shall it be: bankruptcy of purse or bankruptcy of life?”

FakaktaSouth August 1, 2012 at 11:23 am

I like playthings.
Pounds of food is alot. I like food.
Otherwise, fuck it, I don't want to be no kind of bankrupt.
Now I feel like doing something exciting.

tessiee August 1, 2012 at 12:52 pm

"Where, then, lies the answer? In choice. Which shall it be: bankruptcy of purse or bankruptcy of life?”

I was sort of hoping for "retire to the tropics and lie in a hammock sipping umbrella drinks" as a reward for decades of spirit-crushing, soul-shriveling jobs, but at this point, it's looking a whole lot like bankruptcy of purse.

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