also not jesus

Veep Hopeful Rob Portman Just Like Mel Gibson But Not So Psycho, Maybe

Lion-hearted, and balledMitt Romney is rumored to be close to selecting a running mate, and there’s a testosterone-laden badass on the short hairs list.

Ohio Senator Rob Portman told the Associated Press that after flipping his kayak in Chile earlier this year he went adrenalin-mad like Mel Gibson in “Lethal Weapon 2″ and popped his dislocated shoulder back into place by smashing it against a rock. Portman has the balls of a lion!

It’s been predicted that the dullard Romney would pick a cipher with zero personality so as not to overshadow himself. Selecting Portman, who is Iron Man in real life, would come as a shock to many.

The advantage of Portman as VP is that, should Romney die in office, Portman could overpower terrorists on a plane like Harrison Ford did in “Air Force One.”

The only sticking point for Romney may be that Portman is totally gay for Mel Gibson.

Portman said he thought of the 1989 movie “Lethal Weapon 2,” when the Gibson character escapes a straitjacket by intentionally dislocating his shoulder, then gets it back in place by crashing against a file cabinet.

“Honestly, that was what flashed through my mind‚ Mel Gibson. So I took my shoulder, slammed it against the rock, and the shoulder popped in. I couldn’t feel my arm, but I could use my arm. I was able to swim to shore.”

Romney is expected to name his running mate as soon as his dressage horse, Rafalca, finishes performing at the Olympics, unless he really, really needs to change a news cycle before then.

[ABC News]

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      1. WunkRocker

        And apparently Lion mutilations "Portman has the balls of a lion!" Maybe like good republicans though he keeps them in his mouth, or on his chin?

    1. Arken

      Yes, but then the only way he could be like Mel Gibson is insult Jews and Romney is already going there.

    2. Terry

      You beat me to it.

      Obviously, a person needs to draw first aid recommendations from an action movie when faced with a long swim of about six or seven kicks at most.

    1. BornInATrailer

      Forget that, with this overreaction let's hope he never gets his hand stuck in a Pringles can.

      EDIT: OH NO. I just remembered what Gibson did in The Beaver.

  1. SorosBot

    "It’s been predicted that the dullard Romney would pick a cipher with zero personality so as not to overshadow himself."

    This is good news for T-Paw!

    1. HempDogbane

      T-Paw will come out now with his own man-of-action story. Maybe how his wife lets him fish now and then.

      1. Biff

        There is simply no point during the course of a shoulder dislocation and subsequent reduction where you cannot feel your arm, and especially no point where you can't feel your arm and yet still be able to use your arm. There's some either/or, cause/effect stuff that goes on. While dislocated, it hurts like hell. After reduction, it hurts like a lesser circle of hell, but by comparison it's nearly orgasmic.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I was about to write the same thing. I had one dislocated in a gruesome wrestling incident (never let people try new moves out on you if you don't trust their comprehension of instructions) and the other I damaged overcompensating for the weakness from the first.

      Doing what he's talking about is a recipe for making a bad injury much worse. Either it wasn't a major dislocation, in which case this was a massive overreaction, or he didn't apply proper counter pressure and probably did more harm than good.

      The only way I can think of where he'd be numb afterwords would be if his little stunt pinched a nerve when he smashed it back in. But that would make the arm almost impossible to use, since you can't feel shit and generally have little to no control.

    1. SorosBot

      And has he said to his wife, "You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n—–s, it will be your fault."?

  2. freakishlywrong

    Romney is expected to name his running mate as soon as his dressage horse, Rafalca, finishes performing at the Olympics,
    One of the saddest, funniest and prescient sentences describing Ameriaduh in her twilight. Just says it all.

    1. Urban_Achiever

      Ahem,..pointing out the obvious here, BUT: Doesn't he realize that Mel Gibson is pretty much NOBODY's ideal of a super-cool action hero anymore??

  3. FakaktaSouth

    Yes, yes, very manly, Rob. Now do the one where Mel gets skinned alive. THAT would be a good trick.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I do enjoy people who can handle their business, but where's your spirit of adventure? What's a cruise without some torn ligaments and at least one capsizing? Pussy liberals man, they ruin all the fun.

        1. prommie

          There was a grounding and an emergency running-gear inspection drifting solo in open water, you know what the cook from New Orleans said in Apocalypse Now? "Don't get out of the boat."

          Spirit of adventure? Are you fucking kidding me? Where is MY spirit of adventure?

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Yes, where IS your throw caution to the wind and just do that crazy thing that might change everything, or just sink your boat. Spirit.
            I am very high-spirited.

          2. prommie

            It all comes down to what Sterling Hayden said: "What does a man need – really need? A few pounds of food each day, heat and shelter, six feet to lie down in – and some form of working activity that will yield a sense of accomplishment. That’s all – in the material sense, and we know it. But we are brainwashed by our economic system until we end up in a tomb beneath a pyramid of time payments, mortgages, preposterous gadgetry, playthings that divert our attention for the sheer idiocy of the charade. The years thunder by, The dreams of youth grow dim where they lie caked in dust on the shelves of patience. Before we know it, the tomb is sealed. Where, then, lies the answer? In choice. Which shall it be: bankruptcy of purse or bankruptcy of life?”

          3. FakaktaSouth

            I like playthings.
            Pounds of food is alot. I like food.
            Otherwise, fuck it, I don't want to be no kind of bankrupt.
            Now I feel like doing something exciting.

          4. tessiee

            "Where, then, lies the answer? In choice. Which shall it be: bankruptcy of purse or bankruptcy of life?”

            I was sort of hoping for "retire to the tropics and lie in a hammock sipping umbrella drinks" as a reward for decades of spirit-crushing, soul-shriveling jobs, but at this point, it's looking a whole lot like bankruptcy of purse.

  4. Goonemeritus

    As much as I am for Republicans throwing themselves against boulders I still am not excited by this pick.

  5. Barb_

    Romney should pick Palin instead. She can unhinge her jaw to eat her prey and I am certain that she's escaped many a straitjacket.

    1. weejee

      I thought it was Bachmann who was the straightjacket escapee. I get so confused trying to keep track of these Teatarded nutzos.

  6. chicken_thief

    OT, but does anyone know if "Rafalca" means "tax deduction" in a native Cayman Island tongue?

    1. HateMachine

      Oh please, Iron Man's support of the SRA is clearly an assault on our Second Amendment rights to mutant bear-arms. He's one of those terrible big gubmint liebruls, no mistake.

      (no shit, I would kill for a picture of Cap standing at the podium at a National Superpower Association rally, shield raised, saying "From my cold, dead hands!")

  7. Fraudulently_Joe

    Honestly, that was what flashed through my mind‚ Mel Gibson. So I took my shoulder, slammed it against the rock[…]

    Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction to Apocaylpto, also.

  8. SexySmurf

    Yeah, but can he shovel shit?

    (Let it be noted I was the first to make a Thunderdome reference)

  9. mavenmaven

    Good for Portman that he didn't know Romney back in Chile, because when a dressage horse injures itself like that, it just gets a bullet to the head and they buy a new one.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        so you're saying that most 'Tards have a pair of…..buoys…..between their sweaty, trembling thighs?

          1. YasserArraFeck

            Where I come from, "buoy" is pronounced "boy", as in "buoyancy"*, rather than "boo-ey".
            *not to be confused with "boy-antsy" – the condition a RepubliTard finds himself in right before he calls 1-800-RENTBOY

  10. freakishlywrong

    Wasn't this turd the OMB goblin for Dubya? That doesn't make him boring; it makes him terrifying.

  11. TribecaMike

    "… after flipping his kayak in Chile earlier this year…"

    How do you say "I bet you can squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee! " in Chilean?

    1. le petit mort

      "Apuesto a que puede chillar como un cerdo."

      -Google translate, where you can go and misrepresent idioms in thousands of languages.

  12. Joshua Norton

    We already had a real, live "action hero" politician in here Cally-fornia who ran his term based on insane plots of summer blockbusters. Didn't work out well for us or him.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I get nauseous whenever I see that smarmy face … I'd go nuts if his mug was everywhere.

  13. YasserArraFeck

    You're not a real GOP man until you (a) clear brush in the noon-day sun, and (b) get shot in the face and respond with "Thank you Sir, may I have another?"

      1. YasserArraFeck

        I think it's clear that there are no Real GOP Men (TM). GW could never get his lazy ass out of the scratcher early enough to clear brush by noon, and Harry Whittington yelled "Jesus, Dick – you shot me!"*, thereby eliminating himself from competition.

        *Fortunately, he didn't yell this in an antagonistic manner, or Cheney would've been completely justified in giving him the second barrel.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      I'm pretty sure they store Mitt in a file cabinet when he's not activated for public appearances

    2. DahBoner

      That only works on tube logic. The Mittborg uses the latest Quantum Computers.

      "Spooky action from a distance"

    1. ph7

      Yeah. I mean, you have to be a masochist for not popping your shoulder back in place – it hurts like hell until you get things right again. You don't get a badge for doing the least painful thing.

  14. Eve8Apples

    Portman was recently diagnosed with Erectile Dysfunction. He cured it by pounding his schlong with a rock.

  15. prommie

    I just pray Romney goes for the McCain style "Hail Mary" Veep pick and taps the Tub-O-Lard from Jersey. Man, I would love love love that.

    1. tessiee

      "Romney goes for the McCain style "Hail Mary" Veep pick and taps the Tub-O-Lard from Jersey"

      And by "taps", you mean…?

  16. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Anti-choice, pro-gun, anti-regulation, and backs the Ryan budget — if you ignore that he sometimes talks to Democrats, he's pretty much a perfect 10 on the GOPtard scoresheet.

    But who the heck is he supposed to appeal to, who's not already on board the beat-Obama-at-any-cost bandwagon?

  17. BarackMyWorld

    Hey, remember how the wingnuts tried to claim Palin was the most qualified person on either ticket to be president based on her 2 years as a governor, because being a governor, even of a state with no people, is so fucking hard and important and just exactly like being president? Either everyone's going to collectively forget this, or there will be a chorus of whining if Mit picks someone from Congress.

    1. mrblifil

      Liz Cheney said just a day or so ago that Palin is still more qualified than Obama and Biden COMBINED. I wonder how many hours a day Liz Cheney spend screaming at her walls?

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Liz Cheney evidently thinks actually being president isn't experience enough to be president.

  18. Guppy

    Are there any witnesses? Are we sure he was in Chile and not, say, hiking the Appalachian Trail in Argentina?

    1. HistoriCat

      I would say "come on – look at that guy! No way" … but then I remember that Sanford was another boring looking white guy. So it may be unlikely but you can't rule it out, can you?

  19. An_Outhouse

    Apparently pirannhas don't live in the rivers in Chile. That would have been more impressive if he survived.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Or those fish that climb up the urine stream into your junk. THAT would've been hilarious. And I am not sure what Mel would've done in that circumstance.

  20. littlebigdaddy

    Douthat is holding out hope that Rmoney goes with Piyush. I doubt it because, really, the Rmoneys can't deal with skin tone darker than that of a Colombian polo player.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    If there's one thing that makes Rob Portman stand out amongst the slate of potential VPs who are all uninteresting corporate tools with minimal personalities, then nobody's found it yet. Which I guess makes him perfect for the job.

  22. Thunderclees

    Last year, Marco Rubio cut himself while shaving and used gunpowder to cauterize the wound.

  23. BlueStateLibel

    Huh, two can play that game. Last time I was out hiking, a massive Kodiak bear attacked me, nearly decapitating me with one swipe of his mighty paw. Using only thread from my sleeping bag, I managed to stitch my head back on properly. Then I thought of Mel Gibson, and cursed that bear out, so he ran away. How's that, Rob Portman?

  24. DahBoner

    Yes, but does he jetski with naked Supermodels on his back, huh?

    No? Rob Portman sounds gay to me…

  25. fishwharf

    Rafalca would be Mittens's perfect running mate. She's well trained, a good dancer and she doesn't talk back. She comes with a nice tax break and she's quite a bit smarter than the last GOP VP candidate.

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