Rico. Suavay.FACEBOOK. And MITT ROMNEY. There they go again, putting people in JAIL. And all because the nice young man to the left did not like seeing tall, dark, and handsome Mitt Romney smiling his suave smile from the young man’s girlfriend’s Facebook page. So he smashed her computer into the wall and punched her in the face. As one does when one’s girlfriend is mooning over a mysterious stranger (MITT ROMNEY).

Lowell Turpin, 40, [of Tennessee] “angrily demanded to know who the male was,” reported Anderson County Sheriff’s Department investigators.

Crystal Gray, 38, “replied that it was a picture of Mitt Romney.”

Despite being informed that the man on Gray’s wall was the presumptive Republican presidential candidate (and not some hunky, severely conservative sidepiece), Turpin apparently was not placated.

Indeed not. Because it was probably this picture, don’t you think?


[TheSmokingGun, via Fark]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • nounverb911

    Mitt's just shopping for extra wives. (Don't tell Ann).

    • Generation[redacted]

      Haven't you seen Big Love? Ann plays a big role in the search for new sister wives!

    • Gleem McShineys



  • You will NOT be a celestial first lady!!!

  • knuck1es

    Oh, that's just sad.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Aside from the woman hitting part, I don't see anything wrong here at all.

  • Barb_

    Fifty Shades of Black and Blue Crystal Gray.

  • Hahaha, I guess this guy doesn't realize Mittens is built like a Ken doll where it matters.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that his guy hasn't seen his own member in a long while.

    • Gleem McShineys

      The articulated joints? His hairdo?

      I am coming up short, here.
      I mean, you can't mean his weenis area, I've seen Romney in his Momjeans. Even Ken's got a bulge.

      • The mom jeans shot is 'shopped, dude. It's a woman's lower body, so no bulge.

        • Willardbot9000_V2.5

          shop or no shop his builders neglected to equip Romney with a pre-requisite bulge module for the pleasure stimulation of obese women (such as whatever was dating THAT guy). They didn't skimp on the asshole module, that's for sure.

          • Or the pennypinch module, although they definitely left out the empathy module. He's visibly coming apart at the seams, and what's in there ain't so nice to see.

        • Gleem McShineys

          As punishment for trying to bring facts about Mitt's weenis area into this, you are now sentenced to go look at photographs of Mitt's weenis area.

          • Dude. That's cruel and unusual, dude.

  • ChernobylSoup

    A man with those looks just doesn't expect competition from other dudes.

    • I'll say. Because any dood in his right mind would turn around and drive right home to load up on snares, poles, and other vermin-trapping implements. Sheesh!

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Naahh…just tie a raw steak on a stick and lead him into the slaughterizer…it's the Plan A for how we thin out the teabagger ranks as well.

  • Estproph


    • smashedinhat

      Haha, beat me to it, up fist for you.

  • coolhandnuke

    Alt text
    I am the dozen egg man and a walrus.

  • Is this crazy violent rightwing nutjobs from southern states day on teh wonkette?

    • Must be. They just done arrested some feller over in Florida and he's all, "Wut? I only shot me a n*****." Apparently, he shot the guy, called the cops, and went back to dinner, without so much as breaking a sweat. Fuck me.

      • HogeyeGrex


        You weren't there when I posted. Sneaky.

        *refresh before post. refresh before post*
        Of course, that doesn't work with ID.

        • Happens to me all the time, sweetie. (Hugs HogeyeGrex, who is a fish, and therefore somewhat slimy)

          Have an upfist, just because I was up early today and spoiled your party.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Isn't that every day?

      You can add the "I shot me a n*CLANG*" dude to the pile if you like.

      • Jeezus. In 2012? Is this what we fought for, all those years?

        • HogeyeGrex

          Freedumb isn't free.

          • In a way, I'm so glad my Dad isn't alive to see this Brave New World. He would've been terminally depressed.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Well it is Tuesday.

      • I can always count on you for Teh Reassuring, can't I?

    • Fluffy_Kitties

      Drink up, it's Turpin Time!

  • DaveJ

    The following week, this guy punched his Ford Fiesta right in the fucking dashboard for tailgating too close behind some TruckNutz.

  • 99 problems, but Mitt Romney wasn't one.

    • Dildeaux

      All Lowellz bitchez got glitchez.

  • SenileAgitation

    Good thing she wasn't rocking a portrait of Black Barrack

    • OurHoboSenator


  • OurHoboSenator

    She's lucky it wasn't a picture of Obama. Imagine how this loser would react to seeing a picture of a black guy on her page.

    • dennis1943

      But on the bright side he may have,i stress MAY HAVE at least recognized him………

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      He probably would have burned down the whole trailer park.

  • CrunchyKnee

    SkoalRebel's brother?

    • Mittens Howell, III

      digging the avatar ck.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Not nearly as sexy as SkoalRebel.

    • YasserArraFeck

      SkoalRebel's stupid(er) cousin – or brother, uncle, father….no-one really knows

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Strange things can happen at some family reunions. By "strange" I mean "horrifying".

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        yes…every time SkoalRebel's family gets together they just take a wild guess at the family lineage…somehow Skoal is both his own grandfather and sister after all the lines are uh…straightened out.

    • I see what you did there!

    • tessiee

      SkoalRebel's brother AND father!

  • valgal2342

    That guy has a girlfriend? How is that possible?
    I mean what is that, a grouper with a confederate goatee?

    • Looks more like a blowfish
      If you get my meaning.
      And I'm sure you do

    • CrunchyKnee

      Have you been to Tennessee? The souf is a strange and wondrous place, my friend.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Grouper? Oh honey, that is pure-bred plug-ugly catfish right there, son.

      • prommie

        Or catfish-noodler.

    • HistoriCat

      Meth is a hell of a drug.

      • emmelemm

        I thought methheads were supposed to be skinny.

        • HistoriCat

          I'm guessing he's the supplier and she's a consumer.

    • kittensdontlie

      At first glance, sure throw him back into the ocean, but peering into his soul, I see a deep thinker who has a certain poetic refinement in his gentlemanly ways. A devil may care sort of man's man.

      • I need to check your lens prescription.

        • tessiee

          Since kittensdontlie is apparently a kitteh (judging by her avatar), she was probably looking at a nice goldfish bowl while posting, hence the part about "throw him back in the ocean".

          • Whew! She's probly looking into a goldfish eye or something. They have LOTS of soul. (shudder)

          • kittensdontlie

            Ha! I have no lenses….been blind since birth…so there…next theory?

            The ocean is the only humane place for him. He is way too large to flush down the toilet. What a clog that would make. What would I tell the plumber?

          • If that is true, I am so very sorry. I was only making the tiny leetle joke.

          • kittensdontlie

            Kittens can't see until there at least a week old…come on, you knew that…

          • Oh. So you are also making the leetle joke. The tiny, very tiny leetle joke.

            I don't always get when something's a joke. But I'm a good sport about it, mostly, so, no harm, no foul.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Better be glad there wasn't a pic of the gf as well.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    No comment.

  • Hahaha, look at his physique. You can totally tell he's straight.

    • Yeah because what fucking queen in their right mind would have THAT in bed, eww.

  • Goonemeritus

    Well that is one less reliable Republican voter.

    • OneYieldRegular

      On the other hand, it's one more speaker to slot into the GOP convention agenda (between Ted Nugent and The Rock).

  • Terry

    Lowell Turpin has a real sexy neck and lower face there.

    • Lower face? Is that like FUPA?

    • tessiee

      Submerged into a whole 'nother neck and lower face.

  • Breitbart will decide the guy was a Democrat.

    • RadioBowels

      A grave decision.

      • TribecaMike

        It's positively funureal.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Try as they may, pics don't lie. NO ONE mouth-breaths like a Republican, NO one.

      • Mittens Howell, III

        Retawded fuckball (D)

  • RadioBowels

    "He was in fear!" "Stand your ground!"

  • Hera Sent Me

    I suspect that, like me, most members of the Wonkette Nation feel like punching something whenever they see an image of Mitt shirtless.

    An ape can only take so much.

    • A *genteel* ape, at that.

      • HistoriCat

        I usually just cough up a hairball in an opportune location.

        • You don't have to remind me, darls. I spend half my life cleaning those.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I thought that feces-throwing was more the primate style?

  • mavenmaven

    Lucky he didn't see the big Romney tattoo she had under her left butt fold!

    • ChernobylSoup

      Was that really necessary?

    • He would have had to move the baked ham first.

      • ChernobylSoup

        Egads! Stop!

        • It's a good thing I didn't point out the dog that's been missing for months.

          • tessiee

            And you didn't even mention the specific place where the baked ham was hidden.*

            *there's an old dirty joke I'm referring to here, but be forewarned, it's really gross.

  • 102415

    No comment (2)

    • Nostrildamus

      • Jus_Wonderin

        This no comment was deleted by the user.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      you people.

  • TribecaMike

    In a cave somewhere, Grendel's mother is wondering where her son is. I recommend avoiding mead halls for a few days.

    • Let's be honest, Mike. If that was YOUR son, you wouldn't wonder where he was, you'd be grateful for the break.

      • TribecaMike

        True that.

  • IncenseDebate

    Sounds like Fifty Shades of Bland

  • Frankly, if my wife had a picture of Mitt on her Facebook page, I'd want to do the same thing.

    • Me too. Not that I'd hurt *her,* of course. But the computer wouldn't be so lucky.

  • DalePues

    That's the ugliest man on the planet. He'd look a lot better if he'd shave.

    • Cesspools ask the town council to move him

      He is, the Ugliest Man In The World

      "I don't always drink beer….Oh, who am I kidding?"

    • Hon, shaving ain't gonna do shit for him. Plastic surgery or liposuction. Or both.

    • Limeylizzie

      Not sure about that because there would be more ignorant, bloated, rotund, fetid visage that would be visible.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Yeah, he needs to shave about 500 pounds.

    • Jerri

      No, because see the facial hair helps define what part of the flesh blob is his face vs. what part is his neck.

      It's like how his pubes help define where his front butt ends.

  • fartknocker

    He should be happy that it wasn't a picture of Ron Jeremy.

    • HogeyeGrex

      He'd at least recognize that.

    • From the waist down.

  • Jeez. If you had to imagine a picture of a guy named Lowell Turpin it would look exactly like that.

    PS: Romney blows.

  • James Michael Curley

    There is no way Mr. Turpin up there weighs only 300 pounds, unless he is only 38 inches tall.

    • I blame you for the grain of brown rice currently lodged high in my sinuses.

      • James Michael Curley

        Be thankful you weren’t eating Jambalaya.

        • If it makes you feel any better, it was a VERY hot and spicy beef masaman, with TEN hot Thai chillies, TWENTY dried red chillies, and two teaspoons of fine whole black peppercorns. My nose hates you.

          • prommie

            Recipe, please!

          • I'll put it on my blog tonight or tomorrow night, just so's not to clutter up 'BeccaLou's space, OK?

            I had no idea you were into teh hot 'n spicy! I posted a nice spicy fish noodle soup (my version of Mohinga, the Burmese national dish) for Chet Kincaid a while back. Check it out if you like spicy hot.

  • MissTaken

    I blame gay marriage.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Obviously we're not eating enough Chick-Fil-A.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Well, SOMEONE obviously has been.

    • Isyaignert

      My newest favorit quote: If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people; they're the ones who keep having gay babies.

      • Marry me. I know you're already married, but we'll take your husband with us.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        The religious righties really need to tell more straight people not to make their babies gay.

  • Schmannnity

    You'd be pissed too if your girlfriend had nude pictures of a highly aroused Mitt Romney on her facebook.

    • How can you tell?

      • Gleem McShineys

        The floppy drive is ejected?

        • Uh … eww. (sits down suddenly)

          I think I feel a little … (no, you sluts, cut it out, I was gonna say FAINT!) FAINT!

      • Gleem McShineys

        You can see the people he just fired in the background?

        • (fans self)


  • Considering that his usual MO for homewrecking involves exporting at least one job out of the country, I'd call this a step up

  • FakaktaSouth

    She certainly isn't the first person to get her ass kicked for supporting Mitt Romney. That's practically one of his platforms. "Vote for me and just SEE what happens to you" is a real thing you know.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Is that thing Mitt is wearing, the magic underwear thing we keep hearing about?

  • This is so disgusting. Would would anyone want to fap to Mitt?

  • not that Dewey

    See? Both sides do it.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Farce equivalency.

  • emmelemm
    • SorosBot

      I especially like the last one: "10. And one more point…..pundits say because of his wealth, he can't relate to ordinary Americans. I guess that's because he made that money HIMSELF… opposed to marrying it or inheriting it from Dad. Apparently, he didn't understand that actually working at a job and earning your own money made you unrelatable to Americans."

      Nice to flat-out lie, since inheriting it from Dad is exactly where Mitt got his money. Yet this is true of Obama, but not of Mittens.

      • emmelemm

        I particularly like that "collar-ad handsome" references a particular illustrator of the 20s and 30s … who was G A Y!!!!

    • TribecaMike

      Mormon grandmothers say the darndest things!

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        If Romney's counting on the Mormon grandmother vote (and it seems like he is) he's gonna LOSE.

  • Why is that horrible hairy man flapping his saggy moobs at me? MOOOOM!

    • ThundercatHo

      Just ignore him, Honey. Now, come in the kitchen and we'll have some lovely tea and scones. If he won't go away I'll take care of it (pats apron pocket holding a 9mm).

      • (sniffles) Thanks, TcH. I feel *safe* here. (trails off to kitchen dragging teddy bear)

  • coolhandnuke

    This story has all the meaty ingredients of a great country western song.

  • Nostrildamus

    … severely conservative sidecodpiece …


  • SorosBot

    The Blob has really let himself go.

  • anniegetyerfun

    You're 100% certain that this wasn't in Florida?

  • Baconzgood

    Yep ladies. I know you want some of that mantastic ass that is Lowell. He's HAWT!

    • Baconz, thanks for not including the guys.

      • Baconzgood

        We want to BE him.

        • C'mere, you sick little piglet. (Chases Baconz around furniture)

    • tessiee

      Lowell: "I'm dead sexy!"

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If Mitt Romney was on my girlfriends Facebook page I would prolly throw her computer as well. The punching not so much.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Was it that web site where you can unzip him and see he's not stiff? (side note: it's amazing what you can do with HTML5 these days)

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Wow. Mitt Romney evoked a feeling in someone?

    • Listen, sammiches are important to Lowell.

      • Mittens Howell, III

        He's eating at least two in that pic.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Saeb Erekat on line 2…

    • TribecaMike

      Is obstructive sleep apnea an emotion?

  • TootsStansbury

    The picture of David Brooks is still funnier.

  • ShreditorsDesk

    Will he be out of jail in time to vote for Obama instead?

  • Trannysurprise

    "Lowell Turpin, 40, [of Tennessee] "

    Of course he is.

  • Well if David Brooks is right and the focus is now on the uninformed, then Mitt is alienating his potential base. I mean, if Mitt can't win this guy's vote over the black socialist, then this is indeed a catastrophe — because of the David Brooks being right thing, that is.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The first person to link to a picture of the girlfriend is going to get a kick in the nuts and/or punch in the boob. Maybe both.

    • This is how much I agreed with your comment: when I tried to upfist it, ID told me I had already upfisted it IN MY MIND! ELEBENTY!

  • TootsStansbury

    I've been so mystified by the batshittery and stupidity in this country. This guy embodies it. Well him and the steak salesman shooting guy and the Palins and oh never mind.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Tiring isn't it? Is it Friday of this year yet? We need a long weekend of the year.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    I hope that it was actually the photo of Mitt and the Bains stuffing moneez in their pockets. Would show that the lady has some aspirations.

  • Baconzgood

    I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here, but I'm guessing he was drinking when this happened.

    • SorosBot

      At that size, how much would it take to actually get drunk? Even a twelve-pack would probably just give a mild buzz.

      • tessiee

        But I reckon it would take the edge off the meth right nice.

  • This is clearly a set up by the Romney campaign. Romney can claim that someone found him sexy, and he can also step in and defend the Conservative value of the right to smack your bitch around.

  • prommie

    As a man with a spectacularly mediocre physique, I just want to say that posing in your wetsuit is just a total fraud and cheat, those things are just like an all-over girdle, what are these new things, Spanx? A wetsuit is just cheating. I look like Tim fucking Tebow, in a wetsuit.

    • 102415

      I'm going to be wearing a wet suit for the drinky thing. My Spanx gave up and went home.

      • prommie

        Alright, I'll bring my shorty, the mid-thigh length works for me.

    • prommie

      I said Tim fucking Tebow? Thats usually very potent bait. Go Gators!

      • FakaktaSouth

        You know he's the OPPOSITE of fucking anything, yes? He's a Jesus-screaming crier all the time, I can't imagine the afterglow.
        Roll Tide.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Spanx are not a new thing, old man. Seriously.
      Do you have a matching scarf and purse and "I'm glad my mama didn't abort me" under eye black stuff signage JUST for diving?

      • prommie

        That purse comes in handy.

    • anniegetyerfun

      As someone built almost entirely of flab (who used to waterski), you are mostly correct, but you can't build pectorals like Mittens up there by squeezing into a wet suit. I have no doubt that they are implants, though.

      • tessiee

        "someone built almost entirely of flab"

        Medical Technician: This man is registering as 104% body fat. How is that even mathematically… Homer, are you eating an ice cream cone in the body fat tank?
        Homer Simpson: [munch munch] Your point being?

  • b[redact]opple

    I can never forgive Editrix for the picture of topless Romney. Some things can't be unseen.

    • I will sign this petition also.

  • annettaj

    We gotta put more money into the public school systems.

  • Dildeaux

    Lowell Turpin? No. You cant be serious.

    Somewhere up above, Kurt Vonnegut is LOL….

    Obs Lowell is a republican because he hates technology and wimmen folk.

  • prommie

    That poor stupid ugly redneck, you have to feel for him. He was thinking that he was gonna lose his woman to that mysterious stranger, and from the looks of him, his prospects as a single man wouldn't be too great. Your dumb redneck types do tend to lose their mind when they think that they're gonna lose that pussy.

  • widestanceromance

    Romney shirtless looks like a game character before its costume has been selected. There's nothing there or even a there for it to go.


  • BornInATrailer

    Secretary of Defense from Idiocracy?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Mitt Romney is probably the only person in the world who'd wear a cumberbund to go surfing.

  • Nostrildamus

    Mittens isn't Lowell's real competition. This guy is.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Wow! That guy is a real multi-tasker.

      • Nostrildamus

        Indeed. Makes me wonder what the hell I did today.

      • TribecaMike

        In Ireland he'd be a multi-tosser.

    • Only at the Wonketz can I rely upon my fellows in crime to bring forth an even MORE hideous picture than the original. Thank you, my friends. This new dieting tool will come in very handy.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Wow, I have never seen so many straight angles on a human's head.

    • TribecaMike

      That's exactly how Professor Moriarty got his start.

    • tessiee

      Simultaneously tweaking AND freaking? Not a good idea.

  • Dildeaux

    This is what happens when the blue meth hits the streets of Tenuhsay.

    I blame Walt.

  • An_Outhouse

    Glad she wasn't an Obama fan.

  • HistoriCat

    MITT ROMNEY, HOMEWRECKER, IS ‘OTHER MAN’ – OK, let's just stop right there.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    James Taranto?

  • Antispandex

    So, you're saying if the guy gets upset over his girlfriend having Mitts picture he shouldn't be jealous? You do know that Mitt can have as many wives as he wants, right?

  • Eve8Apples

    I think the Dems should make Lowell Turpin the keynote speaker at their convention. Instead of having him read lines from a teleprompter, they can show him pictures of Mitt Romney and let him tear them up. This is the most effective way of communicating with your average Tea Party independent voter.

  • Lazy Media

    HA HA! I grew up less than 20 miles from where that guy lives. The story did not exactly shock me.

  • neiltheblaze

    What a colossal hunk!

  • DahBoner

    The Lure of The Magic Underwear Kavorka.


  • elburritodeluxe

    She's always checking out guys with necks!

    • You would too, if you had HIM to neck with.

      • prommie

        That word, "necking," I still have no clue. And hickies, why?

        • Prommie, you are a married man with a thing for the LayDeez and no one has told you this? The Laydeez, dood, they LERVE the kisses on the neck and ears. Also too teh hickies. Partly bragging rights, partly badge (*I'M* gettin' some & YOU'RE NOT!), partly S&Mish. Some girls like teh bitey-bitey all around there too.

  • ThundercatHo

    I'm just glad my husband doesn't get upset over all the mail I get from my boyfriends Barack, Joe, Bill and Robert. Also too, didn't this guy ever see a sidebar add? JFC, I got Mittens, Barry and Rachael Ray on my fb page.

  • Prommie, Tebow doesn't HAVE orgasms. Or he won't by the time he actually gets around to sticking that nub in someone.

  • Redhead

    "Mitt Romney, Homewrecker, Is ‘Other Man’ In 300-Pound Fellow’s Facebook-Love-Triangle Rage"

    So wait… this isn't about Ron Jeremy's threesome with Romney and Huckabee?

  • rickmaci

    Can you imagine what this gomer's life will be like in stir when he tries to explain that he got sent up because he was all jelly over the picture his so-called girlfriend Crystal Meth had of Twitt Romoney on her computer page?

  • Gleem McShineys


  • MrsConclusion

    "Lowell Turpin"?

    Obviously an Onion name.

  • TribecaMike

    Who says the metrosexual thing is passé?

  • tessiee

    Was the picture of Mitt appearing on the screen in an antagonistic manner?

  • tessiee

    Fifty shades of redneck.

  • tessiee

    What really happened:

    Lowell walked in on his girlfriend looking at the picture on her facebook page of a six foot five bodybuilder nailing her doggie-style.
    He pointed with one thick, stubby finger, and demanded, "Who's that rhat thar?"
    Brandine, thinking quickly (for her), fibbed, "That's Mitt Romney".
    Lowell, puzzling this out as well as his single brain cell would permit, said, "That there fella who's a-doin' you on the teevee machine, that's the Mitt Romney fella who's runnin' for Preznit agin the nigger?"
    Brandine, crossing her fingers behind her back, said, "Yep, I swanny that's him, sure 'nuff."
    Lowell throws computer against the wall, says, "I'm fixin to go stay with my Memaw till I cool down. Don't you be here when I git back, huzzy!", stomps out the door, and squeals his truck out of the driveway on two wheels.
    Brandine picks up the phone and calls her boyfriend: "Ray Ray? I done it! I done left Lowell! Meet me in front of the 7-11, Angel Pie."
    *cue romantic banjo music*

  • tessiee

    "He claims he ain't never even done it, saving himself for marriage."

    *smirks to self*
    I could get him.

  • Veritas78

    Now Wonketteers, don't jump to conclusions. That might well be Crystal, not Lowell. It IS Tennessee…

  • ibwilliamsi

    As if his girlfriend could find a guy with teeth, let alone a guy with straight white teeth and a six-pack. It's not in her culture.

  • hippie13

    Looks like Ann will be able to date this guy once mitt settles in with his new bride…I have to say he is much more charming than mitt.

  • ttommyunger

    What a piker; Ted (Tiny Penis) Nugent would have shot her computer up with a machine gun.

  • josephbrill

    It's Will Sasso as Kenny Rogers kicked out of Celebrity Rehab.

    I wanna hear him speachify.

Previous articleKingmaker David Brooks Now Disgusted With Romney, Everybody Else
Next articleArizona Republicans Manage To Combine Wars On Women, Math