Mitt Romney, Homewrecker, Is ‘Other Man’ In 300-Pound Fellow’s Facebook-Love-Triangle Rage

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rico. Suavay.FACEBOOK. And MITT ROMNEY. There they go again, putting people in JAIL. And all because the nice young man to the left did not like seeing tall, dark, and handsome Mitt Romney smiling his suave smile from the young man’s girlfriend’s Facebook page. So he smashed her computer into the wall and punched her in the face. As one does when one’s girlfriend is mooning over a mysterious stranger (MITT ROMNEY).

Lowell Turpin, 40, [of Tennessee] “angrily demanded to know who the male was,” reported Anderson County Sheriff’s Department investigators.

Crystal Gray, 38, “replied that it was a picture of Mitt Romney.”

Despite being informed that the man on Gray’s wall was the presumptive Republican presidential candidate (and not some hunky, severely conservative sidepiece), Turpin apparently was not placated.

Indeed not. Because it was probably this picture, don’t you think?


RROWR!

[TheSmokingGun, via Fark]

 

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{ 228 comments }

nounverb911 July 31, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Mitt's just shopping for extra wives. (Don't tell Ann).

Generation[redacted] July 31, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Haven't you seen Big Love? Ann plays a big role in the search for new sister wives!

Gleem McShineys July 31, 2012 at 5:26 pm

SHE CAINT BE NO SISTER-WIFE!

SHE ALREADY GOTS A BROTHER-DAD!!

Maman July 31, 2012 at 2:25 pm

You will NOT be a celestial first lady!!!

knuck1es July 31, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Oh, that's just sad.

ChernobylSoup July 31, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Aside from the woman hitting part, I don't see anything wrong here at all.

Barb_ July 31, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Fifty Shades of Black and Blue Crystal Gray.

Hammiepants July 31, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Hahaha, I guess this guy doesn't realize Mittens is built like a Ken doll where it matters.

anniegetyerfun July 31, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that his guy hasn't seen his own member in a long while.

Gleem McShineys July 31, 2012 at 5:15 pm

The articulated joints? His hairdo?

I am coming up short, here.
I mean, you can't mean his weenis area, I've seen Romney in his Momjeans. Even Ken's got a bulge.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 6:24 pm

The mom jeans shot is 'shopped, dude. It's a woman's lower body, so no bulge.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 1, 2012 at 1:33 am

shop or no shop his builders neglected to equip Romney with a pre-requisite bulge module for the pleasure stimulation of obese women (such as whatever was dating THAT guy). They didn't skimp on the asshole module, that's for sure.

MittBorg August 1, 2012 at 1:50 am

Or the pennypinch module, although they definitely left out the empathy module. He's visibly coming apart at the seams, and what's in there ain't so nice to see.

Gleem McShineys August 1, 2012 at 6:00 pm

As punishment for trying to bring facts about Mitt's weenis area into this, you are now sentenced to go look at photographs of Mitt's weenis area.

MittBorg August 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Dude. That's cruel and unusual, dude.

ChernobylSoup July 31, 2012 at 2:28 pm

A man with those looks just doesn't expect competition from other dudes.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I'll say. Because any dood in his right mind would turn around and drive right home to load up on snares, poles, and other vermin-trapping implements. Sheesh!

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 1, 2012 at 1:34 am

Naahh…just tie a raw steak on a stick and lead him into the slaughterizer…it's the Plan A for how we thin out the teabagger ranks as well.

Estproph July 31, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Bulk SMAAAAASHHH!

smashedinhat July 31, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Haha, beat me to it, up fist for you.

coolhandnuke July 31, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Alt text
I am the dozen egg man and a walrus.

starfanglednut July 31, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Is this crazy violent rightwing nutjobs from southern states day on teh wonkette?

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Must be. They just done arrested some feller over in Florida and he's all, "Wut? I only shot me a n*****." Apparently, he shot the guy, called the cops, and went back to dinner, without so much as breaking a sweat. Fuck me.

HogeyeGrex July 31, 2012 at 4:40 pm

GAH!

You weren't there when I posted. Sneaky.

*refresh before post. refresh before post*
Of course, that doesn't work with ID.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Happens to me all the time, sweetie. (Hugs HogeyeGrex, who is a fish, and therefore somewhat slimy)

Have an upfist, just because I was up early today and spoiled your party.

HogeyeGrex July 31, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Isn't that every day?

You can add the "I shot me a n*CLANG*" dude to the pile if you like.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Jeezus. In 2012? Is this what we fought for, all those years?

HogeyeGrex July 31, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Freedumb isn't free.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 5:01 pm

In a way, I'm so glad my Dad isn't alive to see this Brave New World. He would've been terminally depressed.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 31, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Well it is Tuesday.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I can always count on you for Teh Reassuring, can't I?

Fluffy_Kitties July 31, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Drink up, it's Turpin Time!

DaveJ July 31, 2012 at 2:29 pm

The following week, this guy punched his Ford Fiesta right in the fucking dashboard for tailgating too close behind some TruckNutz.

mrblifil July 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

99 problems, but Mitt Romney wasn't one.

Dildeaux July 31, 2012 at 3:03 pm

All Lowellz bitchez got glitchez.

SenileAgitation July 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Good thing she wasn't rocking a portrait of Black Barrack

OurHoboSenator July 31, 2012 at 2:31 pm

JINX

OurHoboSenator July 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

She's lucky it wasn't a picture of Obama. Imagine how this loser would react to seeing a picture of a black guy on her page.

dennis1943 July 31, 2012 at 7:00 pm

But on the bright side he may have,i stress MAY HAVE at least recognized him………

Butch_Wagstaff July 31, 2012 at 7:54 pm

He probably would have burned down the whole trailer park.

CrunchyKnee July 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

SkoalRebel's brother?

Mittens Howell, III July 31, 2012 at 2:52 pm

digging the avatar ck.

anniegetyerfun July 31, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Not nearly as sexy as SkoalRebel.

YasserArraFeck July 31, 2012 at 3:43 pm

SkoalRebel's stupid(er) cousin – or brother, uncle, father….no-one really knows

Butch_Wagstaff July 31, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Strange things can happen at some family reunions. By "strange" I mean "horrifying".

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 1, 2012 at 1:36 am

yes…every time SkoalRebel's family gets together they just take a wild guess at the family lineage…somehow Skoal is both his own grandfather and sister after all the lines are uh…straightened out.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I see what you did there!

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:18 pm

SkoalRebel's brother AND father!

valgal2342 July 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

That guy has a girlfriend? How is that possible?
I mean what is that, a grouper with a confederate goatee?

actor212 July 31, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Looks more like a blowfish
If you get my meaning.
And I'm sure you do

CrunchyKnee July 31, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Have you been to Tennessee? The souf is a strange and wondrous place, my friend.

elviouslyqueer July 31, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Grouper? Oh honey, that is pure-bred plug-ugly catfish right there, son.

prommie July 31, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Or catfish-noodler.

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Meth is a hell of a drug.

emmelemm July 31, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I thought methheads were supposed to be skinny.

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I'm guessing he's the supplier and she's a consumer.

kittensdontlie July 31, 2012 at 3:00 pm

At first glance, sure throw him back into the ocean, but peering into his soul, I see a deep thinker who has a certain poetic refinement in his gentlemanly ways. A devil may care sort of man's man.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I need to check your lens prescription.

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Since kittensdontlie is apparently a kitteh (judging by her avatar), she was probably looking at a nice goldfish bowl while posting, hence the part about "throw him back in the ocean".

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Whew! She's probly looking into a goldfish eye or something. They have LOTS of soul. (shudder)

Butch_Wagstaff July 31, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Better be glad there wasn't a pic of the gf as well.

Jus_Wonderin July 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

No comment.

starfanglednut July 31, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Hahaha, look at his physique. You can totally tell he's straight.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Yeah because what fucking queen in their right mind would have THAT in bed, eww.

Goonemeritus July 31, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Well that is one less reliable Republican voter.

OneYieldRegular July 31, 2012 at 3:10 pm

On the other hand, it's one more speaker to slot into the GOP convention agenda (between Ted Nugent and The Rock).

Terry July 31, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Lowell Turpin has a real sexy neck and lower face there.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Lower face? Is that like FUPA?

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Submerged into a whole 'nother neck and lower face.

Doktor Zoom July 31, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Breitbart will decide the guy was a Democrat.

RadioBowels July 31, 2012 at 2:42 pm

A grave decision.

TribecaMike July 31, 2012 at 10:37 pm

It's positively funureal.

FakaktaSouth July 31, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Try as they may, pics don't lie. NO ONE mouth-breaths like a Republican, NO one.

Mittens Howell, III July 31, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Retawded fuckball (D)

RadioBowels July 31, 2012 at 2:31 pm

"He was in fear!" "Stand your ground!"

Hera Sent Me July 31, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I suspect that, like me, most members of the Wonkette Nation feel like punching something whenever they see an image of Mitt shirtless.

An ape can only take so much.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 2:46 pm

A *genteel* ape, at that.

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I usually just cough up a hairball in an opportune location.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:26 pm

You don't have to remind me, darls. I spend half my life cleaning those.

anniegetyerfun July 31, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I thought that feces-throwing was more the primate style?

mavenmaven July 31, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Lucky he didn't see the big Romney tattoo she had under her left butt fold!

ChernobylSoup July 31, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Was that really necessary?

actor212 July 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

He would have had to move the baked ham first.

ChernobylSoup July 31, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Egads! Stop!

actor212 July 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

It's a good thing I didn't point out the dog that's been missing for months.

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:21 pm

And you didn't even mention the specific place where the baked ham was hidden.*

*there's an old dirty joke I'm referring to here, but be forewarned, it's really gross.

102415 July 31, 2012 at 2:33 pm

No comment (2)

Nostrildamus July 31, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Jus_Wonderin July 31, 2012 at 2:50 pm

This no comment was deleted by the user.

Mittens Howell, III July 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

you people.

TribecaMike July 31, 2012 at 2:33 pm

In a cave somewhere, Grendel's mother is wondering where her son is. I recommend avoiding mead halls for a few days.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Let's be honest, Mike. If that was YOUR son, you wouldn't wonder where he was, you'd be grateful for the break.

TribecaMike July 31, 2012 at 4:34 pm

True that.

IncenseDebate July 31, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Sounds like Fifty Shades of Bland

actor212 July 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Fifty Shades of Meth

swordfis July 31, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Frankly, if my wife had a picture of Mitt on her Facebook page, I'd want to do the same thing.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Me too. Not that I'd hurt *her,* of course. But the computer wouldn't be so lucky.

swordfis July 31, 2012 at 3:13 pm

My thoughts exactly

DalePues July 31, 2012 at 2:34 pm

That's the ugliest man on the planet. He'd look a lot better if he'd shave.

actor212 July 31, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Cesspools ask the town council to move him

He is, the Ugliest Man In The World

"I don't always drink beer….Oh, who am I kidding?"

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Hon, shaving ain't gonna do shit for him. Plastic surgery or liposuction. Or both.

Limeylizzie July 31, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Not sure about that because there would be more ignorant, bloated, rotund, fetid visage that would be visible.

Native_of_SL_UT July 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Yeah, he needs to shave about 500 pounds.

Jerri July 31, 2012 at 5:40 pm

No, because see the facial hair helps define what part of the flesh blob is his face vs. what part is his neck.

It's like how his pubes help define where his front butt ends.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 6:26 pm

That deserved a fisting.

fartknocker July 31, 2012 at 2:34 pm

He should be happy that it wasn't a picture of Ron Jeremy.

HogeyeGrex July 31, 2012 at 2:41 pm

He'd at least recognize that.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:07 pm

From the waist down.

FlownOver July 31, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Jeez. If you had to imagine a picture of a guy named Lowell Turpin it would look exactly like that.

PS: Romney blows.

James Michael Curley July 31, 2012 at 2:34 pm

There is no way Mr. Turpin up there weighs only 300 pounds, unless he is only 38 inches tall.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I blame you for the grain of brown rice currently lodged high in my sinuses.

James Michael Curley July 31, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Be thankful you weren’t eating Jambalaya.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 4:44 pm

If it makes you feel any better, it was a VERY hot and spicy beef masaman, with TEN hot Thai chillies, TWENTY dried red chillies, and two teaspoons of fine whole black peppercorns. My nose hates you.

prommie July 31, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Recipe, please!

MissTaken July 31, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I blame gay marriage.

Generation[redacted] July 31, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Obviously we're not eating enough Chick-Fil-A.

anniegetyerfun July 31, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Well, SOMEONE obviously has been.

Isyaignert July 31, 2012 at 2:47 pm

My newest favorit quote: If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people; they're the ones who keep having gay babies.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Marry me. I know you're already married, but we'll take your husband with us.

Butch_Wagstaff July 31, 2012 at 8:19 pm

The religious righties really need to tell more straight people not to make their babies gay.

Schmannnity July 31, 2012 at 2:35 pm

You'd be pissed too if your girlfriend had nude pictures of a highly aroused Mitt Romney on her facebook.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:08 pm

How can you tell?

Gleem McShineys July 31, 2012 at 5:02 pm

The floppy drive is ejected?

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Uh … eww. (sits down suddenly)

I think I feel a little … (no, you sluts, cut it out, I was gonna say FAINT!) FAINT!

Gleem McShineys July 31, 2012 at 6:12 pm

You can see the people he just fired in the background?

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 6:28 pm

(fans self)
(faints)
(revives)

Wut?

actor212 July 31, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Considering that his usual MO for homewrecking involves exporting at least one job out of the country, I'd call this a step up

FakaktaSouth July 31, 2012 at 2:36 pm

She certainly isn't the first person to get her ass kicked for supporting Mitt Romney. That's practically one of his platforms. "Vote for me and just SEE what happens to you" is a real thing you know.

WhatTheHeck July 31, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Is that thing Mitt is wearing, the magic underwear thing we keep hearing about?

ChillBill July 31, 2012 at 2:37 pm

This is so disgusting. Would would anyone want to fap to Mitt?

not that Dewey July 31, 2012 at 2:38 pm

See? Both sides do it.

Mittens Howell, III July 31, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Farce equivalency.

emmelemm July 31, 2012 at 2:38 pm
SorosBot July 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I especially like the last one: "10. And one more point…..pundits say because of his wealth, he can't relate to ordinary Americans. I guess that's because he made that money HIMSELF…..as opposed to marrying it or inheriting it from Dad. Apparently, he didn't understand that actually working at a job and earning your own money made you unrelatable to Americans."

Nice to flat-out lie, since inheriting it from Dad is exactly where Mitt got his money. Yet this is true of Obama, but not of Mittens.

emmelemm July 31, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I particularly like that "collar-ad handsome" references a particular illustrator of the 20s and 30s … who was G A Y!!!!

TribecaMike July 31, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Mormon grandmothers say the darndest things!

Butch_Wagstaff July 31, 2012 at 8:17 pm

If Romney's counting on the Mormon grandmother vote (and it seems like he is) he's gonna LOSE.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Why is that horrible hairy man flapping his saggy moobs at me? MOOOOM!

ThundercatHo July 31, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Just ignore him, Honey. Now, come in the kitchen and we'll have some lovely tea and scones. If he won't go away I'll take care of it (pats apron pocket holding a 9mm).

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 4:03 pm

(sniffles) Thanks, TcH. I feel *safe* here. (trails off to kitchen dragging teddy bear)

coolhandnuke July 31, 2012 at 2:38 pm

This story has all the meaty ingredients of a great country western song.

Nostrildamus July 31, 2012 at 2:40 pm

… severely conservative sidecodpiece …

Fixed.

SorosBot July 31, 2012 at 2:40 pm

The Blob has really let himself go.

anniegetyerfun July 31, 2012 at 2:40 pm

You're 100% certain that this wasn't in Florida?

Baconzgood July 31, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Yep ladies. I know you want some of that mantastic ass that is Lowell. He's HAWT!

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Baconz, thanks for not including the guys.

Baconzgood July 31, 2012 at 4:12 pm

We want to BE him.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 4:52 pm

C'mere, you sick little piglet. (Chases Baconz around furniture)

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Lowell: "I'm dead sexy!"

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 31, 2012 at 2:42 pm

If Mitt Romney was on my girlfriends Facebook page I would prolly throw her computer as well. The punching not so much.

Generation[redacted] July 31, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Was it that web site where you can unzip him and see he's not stiff? (side note: it's amazing what you can do with HTML5 these days)

Mittens Howell, III July 31, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Wow. Mitt Romney evoked a feeling in someone?

actor212 July 31, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Listen, sammiches are important to Lowell.

Mittens Howell, III July 31, 2012 at 2:55 pm

He's eating at least two in that pic.

Generation[redacted] July 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Saeb Erekat on line 2…

TribecaMike July 31, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Is obstructive sleep apnea an emotion?

TootsStansbury July 31, 2012 at 2:44 pm

The picture of David Brooks is still funnier.

ShreditorsDesk July 31, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Will he be out of jail in time to vote for Obama instead?

Trannysurprise July 31, 2012 at 2:46 pm

"Lowell Turpin, 40, [of Tennessee] "

Of course he is.

SayItWithWookies July 31, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Well if David Brooks is right and the focus is now on the uninformed, then Mitt is alienating his potential base. I mean, if Mitt can't win this guy's vote over the black socialist, then this is indeed a catastrophe — because of the David Brooks being right thing, that is.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

The first person to link to a picture of the girlfriend is going to get a kick in the nuts and/or punch in the boob. Maybe both.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:37 pm

This is how much I agreed with your comment: when I tried to upfist it, ID told me I had already upfisted it IN MY MIND! ELEBENTY!

TootsStansbury July 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I've been so mystified by the batshittery and stupidity in this country. This guy embodies it. Well him and the steak salesman shooting guy and the Palins and oh never mind.

Jus_Wonderin July 31, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Tiring isn't it? Is it Friday of this year yet? We need a long weekend of the year.

Blueb4sinrise July 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I hope that it was actually the photo of Mitt and the Bains stuffing moneez in their pockets. Would show that the lady has some aspirations.

Baconzgood July 31, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here, but I'm guessing he was drinking when this happened.

SorosBot July 31, 2012 at 2:55 pm

At that size, how much would it take to actually get drunk? Even a twelve-pack would probably just give a mild buzz.

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:56 pm

But I reckon it would take the edge off the meth right nice.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm

This is clearly a set up by the Romney campaign. Romney can claim that someone found him sexy, and he can also step in and defend the Conservative value of the right to smack your bitch around.

prommie July 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm

As a man with a spectacularly mediocre physique, I just want to say that posing in your wetsuit is just a total fraud and cheat, those things are just like an all-over girdle, what are these new things, Spanx? A wetsuit is just cheating. I look like Tim fucking Tebow, in a wetsuit.

102415 July 31, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I'm going to be wearing a wet suit for the drinky thing. My Spanx gave up and went home.

prommie July 31, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Alright, I'll bring my shorty, the mid-thigh length works for me.

prommie July 31, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I said Tim fucking Tebow? Thats usually very potent bait. Go Gators!

FakaktaSouth July 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm

You know he's the OPPOSITE of fucking anything, yes? He's a Jesus-screaming crier all the time, I can't imagine the afterglow.
Roll Tide.

FakaktaSouth July 31, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Spanx are not a new thing, old man. Seriously.
Do you have a matching scarf and purse and "I'm glad my mama didn't abort me" under eye black stuff signage JUST for diving?

prommie July 31, 2012 at 3:08 pm

That purse comes in handy.

anniegetyerfun July 31, 2012 at 3:22 pm

As someone built almost entirely of flab (who used to waterski), you are mostly correct, but you can't build pectorals like Mittens up there by squeezing into a wet suit. I have no doubt that they are implants, though.

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:59 pm

"someone built almost entirely of flab"

Medical Technician: This man is registering as 104% body fat. How is that even mathematically… Homer, are you eating an ice cream cone in the body fat tank?
Homer Simpson: [munch munch] Your point being?

b[redact]opple July 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I can never forgive Editrix for the picture of topless Romney. Some things can't be unseen.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I will sign this petition also.

annettaj July 31, 2012 at 2:55 pm

We gotta put more money into the public school systems.

Dildeaux July 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Lowell Turpin? No. You cant be serious.

Somewhere up above, Kurt Vonnegut is LOL….

Obs Lowell is a republican because he hates technology and wimmen folk.

prommie July 31, 2012 at 2:58 pm

That poor stupid ugly redneck, you have to feel for him. He was thinking that he was gonna lose his woman to that mysterious stranger, and from the looks of him, his prospects as a single man wouldn't be too great. Your dumb redneck types do tend to lose their mind when they think that they're gonna lose that pussy.

widestanceromance July 31, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Romney shirtless looks like a game character before its costume has been selected. There's nothing there or even a there for it to go.

DO. NOT. WANT. EVAR.

BornInATrailer July 31, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Secretary of Defense from Idiocracy?

OneYieldRegular July 31, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Mitt Romney is probably the only person in the world who'd wear a cumberbund to go surfing.

Nostrildamus July 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Mittens isn't Lowell's real competition. This guy is.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 31, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Wow! That guy is a real multi-tasker.

Nostrildamus July 31, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Indeed. Makes me wonder what the hell I did today.

TribecaMike July 31, 2012 at 10:42 pm

In Ireland he'd be a multi-tosser.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Only at the Wonketz can I rely upon my fellows in crime to bring forth an even MORE hideous picture than the original. Thank you, my friends. This new dieting tool will come in very handy.

Butch_Wagstaff July 31, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Wow, I have never seen so many straight angles on a human's head.

TribecaMike July 31, 2012 at 10:41 pm

That's exactly how Professor Moriarty got his start.

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Simultaneously tweaking AND freaking? Not a good idea.

Dildeaux July 31, 2012 at 3:07 pm

This is what happens when the blue meth hits the streets of Tenuhsay.

I blame Walt.

An_Outhouse July 31, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Glad she wasn't an Obama fan.

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 3:09 pm

MITT ROMNEY, HOMEWRECKER, IS ‘OTHER MAN’ – OK, let's just stop right there.

Allmighty_Manos July 31, 2012 at 3:12 pm

James Taranto?

Antispandex July 31, 2012 at 3:14 pm

So, you're saying if the guy gets upset over his girlfriend having Mitts picture he shouldn't be jealous? You do know that Mitt can have as many wives as he wants, right?

Eve8Apples July 31, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I think the Dems should make Lowell Turpin the keynote speaker at their convention. Instead of having him read lines from a teleprompter, they can show him pictures of Mitt Romney and let him tear them up. This is the most effective way of communicating with your average Tea Party independent voter.

Lazy Media July 31, 2012 at 3:24 pm

HA HA! I grew up less than 20 miles from where that guy lives. The story did not exactly shock me.

neiltheblaze July 31, 2012 at 3:31 pm

What a colossal hunk!

DahBoner July 31, 2012 at 3:34 pm

The Lure of The Magic Underwear Kavorka.

Strong!!!

elburritodeluxe July 31, 2012 at 3:35 pm

She's always checking out guys with necks!

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:51 pm

You would too, if you had HIM to neck with.

prommie July 31, 2012 at 3:56 pm

That word, "necking," I still have no clue. And hickies, why?

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Prommie, you are a married man with a thing for the LayDeez and no one has told you this? The Laydeez, dood, they LERVE the kisses on the neck and ears. Also too teh hickies. Partly bragging rights, partly badge (*I'M* gettin' some & YOU'RE NOT!), partly S&Mish. Some girls like teh bitey-bitey all around there too.

ThundercatHo July 31, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I'm just glad my husband doesn't get upset over all the mail I get from my boyfriends Barack, Joe, Bill and Robert. Also too, didn't this guy ever see a sidebar add? JFC, I got Mittens, Barry and Rachael Ray on my fb page.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Prommie, Tebow doesn't HAVE orgasms. Or he won't by the time he actually gets around to sticking that nub in someone.

Redhead July 31, 2012 at 4:15 pm

"Mitt Romney, Homewrecker, Is ‘Other Man’ In 300-Pound Fellow’s Facebook-Love-Triangle Rage"

So wait… this isn't about Ron Jeremy's threesome with Romney and Huckabee?

rickmaci July 31, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Can you imagine what this gomer's life will be like in stir when he tries to explain that he got sent up because he was all jelly over the picture his so-called girlfriend Crystal Meth had of Twitt Romoney on her computer page?

Gleem McShineys July 31, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I DUN TOLE YOU, WE ARE PART OF RON PAUL'S RE-LOVE-UTION! *facepunch*

MrsConclusion July 31, 2012 at 5:29 pm

"Lowell Turpin"?

Obviously an Onion name.

TribecaMike July 31, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Who says the metrosexual thing is passé?

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Was the picture of Mitt appearing on the screen in an antagonistic manner?

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Fifty shades of redneck.

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:49 pm

What really happened:

Lowell walked in on his girlfriend looking at the picture on her facebook page of a six foot five bodybuilder nailing her doggie-style.
He pointed with one thick, stubby finger, and demanded, "Who's that rhat thar?"
Brandine, thinking quickly (for her), fibbed, "That's Mitt Romney".
Lowell, puzzling this out as well as his single brain cell would permit, said, "That there fella who's a-doin' you on the teevee machine, that's the Mitt Romney fella who's runnin' for Preznit agin the nigger?"
Brandine, crossing her fingers behind her back, said, "Yep, I swanny that's him, sure 'nuff."
Lowell throws computer against the wall, says, "I'm fixin to go stay with my Memaw till I cool down. Don't you be here when I git back, huzzy!", stomps out the door, and squeals his truck out of the driveway on two wheels.
Brandine picks up the phone and calls her boyfriend: "Ray Ray? I done it! I done left Lowell! Meet me in front of the 7-11, Angel Pie."
*cue romantic banjo music*

tessiee July 31, 2012 at 7:58 pm

"He claims he ain't never even done it, saving himself for marriage."

*smirks to self*
I could get him.

Veritas78 July 31, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Now Wonketteers, don't jump to conclusions. That might well be Crystal, not Lowell. It IS Tennessee…

ibwilliamsi July 31, 2012 at 11:37 pm

As if his girlfriend could find a guy with teeth, let alone a guy with straight white teeth and a six-pack. It's not in her culture.

hippie13 August 1, 2012 at 6:41 am

Looks like Ann will be able to date this guy once mitt settles in with his new bride…I have to say he is much more charming than mitt.

ttommyunger August 1, 2012 at 7:54 am

What a piker; Ted (Tiny Penis) Nugent would have shot her computer up with a machine gun.

josephbrill August 1, 2012 at 8:35 am

It's Will Sasso as Kenny Rogers kicked out of Celebrity Rehab.

I wanna hear him speachify.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I'll put it on my blog tonight or tomorrow night, just so's not to clutter up 'BeccaLou's space, OK?

I had no idea you were into teh hot 'n spicy! I posted a nice spicy fish noodle soup (my version of Mohinga, the Burmese national dish) for Chet Kincaid a while back. Check it out if you like spicy hot.

kittensdontlie July 31, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Ha! I have no lenses….been blind since birth…so there…next theory?

The ocean is the only humane place for him. He is way too large to flush down the toilet. What a clog that would make. What would I tell the plumber?

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 10:44 pm

If that is true, I am so very sorry. I was only making the tiny leetle joke.

kittensdontlie July 31, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Kittens can't see until there at least a week old…come on, you knew that…

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Oh. So you are also making the leetle joke. The tiny, very tiny leetle joke.

I don't always get when something's a joke. But I'm a good sport about it, mostly, so, no harm, no foul.

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