jan brewer, babysaverHello Arizona, how many children are you going to save from the whims of their cruel, ignorant, feminist, baby-murdering mothers? Answer: none! Or maybe: a lot! It’s tough to say, because U.S. District Judge James Teilborg is confident that abortion restrictions after 20 weeks of pregnancy will not really lead to less abortions but Maricopa County Attorney Bill Montgomery insists that it will save fetuses. The GOP, it does not do math so good lately. 

U.S. District Judge James Teilborg said the statute may prompt a few pregnant women who are considering abortion to make the decision earlier. But he said the law is constitutional because it doesn’t prohibit any women from making the decision to end their pregnancies.

The judge also wrote that the state provided “substantial and well-documented” evidence that an unborn child has the capacity to feel pain during an abortion by at least 20 weeks….

Arizona’s ban, set to take effect Thursday, prohibits abortions starting at 20 weeks of pregnancy except in medical emergencies.

Note: if your fetus is going to die AFTER the 20 weeks, is that a medical emergency? What about if it will probably die during or shortly after childbirth? Is that a medical emergency? Answer: no. No, neither of those things are medical emergencies, actually, and women will have to carry severely deformed fetuses to term. What about the pain felt by babies for the few hours they are alive, before they die with no skulls on? Well, life is pain, babies!

Maricopa County Attorney Bill Montgomery, who was sued as part of the challenge, said there was no telling whether the appeals court would prevent the law from taking effect. Commenting on Monday’s decision, Montgomery said, “I thought it was sound legal reasoning and reached the appropriate conclusion.”… Montgomery said that not implementing the 20-week ban would doom fetuses that might be saved due to advances in medicine.

See, it won’t interfere with a woman’s constitutionally protected right to abortion enough to actually PREVENT a woman from getting an abortion. So that’s cool. But it WILL prevent abortions of fetuses that might be saved due to advances in medicine. Thus saving fetuses while not preventing abortions! This is kind of amazing but not actually all that surprising given that the GOP has begun waging a war on math in addition to their ongoing wars on women, voting, and Muslims and looks like all of them are progressing nicely!

[Atlanta Journal Constitution]

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  • Barb_

    Just cross the border and come to New Mexico. We don't give a shit what anyone does just as long as people show up to Roswell once a year in alien costumes and then buy our green chilies.

    • fartknocker

      Hatch chilies are the best. We serve them every September on the placenta fajitas at my Abortionplex in Truth or Consequences, NM.

      • Barb_

        Red or green? Pink or blue?
        You know how the TSA agents like to ask you one question to see if you can answer it because you aren't a terrorist? When I first moved to New Mexico, I was asked, "red or green?" and I was like, "huh, what?"

        • Callyson

          Christmas style, of course! (Or is that strictly for the tourists?)

          Damn, now I have a craving…

          • Geminisunmars

            Oh, okay. Just for you —-

            S-i-i-l-ent Night
            H-o-o-l-ee Night

  • Jan Brewer photo, abortifacient.

    • She could scare the flies off a turd

    • sullivanst

      Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with her face?

      • If my cat had a face like that, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.

      • Veritas78

        It wuz ridden hard and put up wet.

  • If only women could get birth control through their employer's paid medical plan.

    Wait, what?

  • I wonder if you can sue the state for the costs in a wrongful life suit?

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Or sue God for wrongful infestation of a good planet?

      • If there wuz a god s/he would already have been sued.
        S/he has not.
        Ergo there is no god.

        So it doesn't work. So what, I'm too angry to think. (lights vape, checks heart rate and bp)

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Is that Suze Orman? She just won't give up on trying to get me to save more money.

    • Are you sure it's not the Geico Gecko?

      • MosesInvests

        Nah, too scaly.

  • So what will constitute a medical emergency? The husband deciding the baby was really from the undocumented gardener?

  • Serolf_Divad

    So basically: if you're in any doubt as to whether the man who knocked you up will do the right thing and accept his share of responsibility for the child, you'd best abort sooner rather than later.

    • Well — there goes the species. Last one alive please turn out the lights.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Good lord, I've heard tales of vagina dentata, but this is the first time I've seen actual photographic evidence.

    • chicken_thief

      Looks more like anal dentata to me….

      • I'm so naming my grrrrrrrrrrl punk band that…

    • BloviateMe

      I read on the internet (so it's true) that Jan not only has vagina dentata, but has vagina dentata dentata…you know, like alien…a mouth within a mouth that can lash out from her body.
      Jan's vag doesn't want to be fed, Jan's vag wants to hunt.

      • Angry_Marmot

        In the space between her ears, no one can hear you scream.

  • BloviateMe

    Mitt Romney condemns/applauds the ruling.

    • Yes he doesn't, retroactively.

    • chicken_thief

      The Jewish/white fetii clearly have a better chance of success, though.

  • chicken_thief

    And this law will create a shit ton of jerbs. Because jerbs are the GOP's main focus.

    • kissawookiee

      Unfortunately, the AZ Republic reported yesterday that grief counselors and fetus funeral directors are expecting a bit of an uptick.

      I wish I were making that up.

      • Wait.

        Fetus funeral directors?


        • kissawookiee

          Technically it's adults who are doing the planning, but I wouldn't put it past one of the specialer snowflakes to start offering services from the womb before its doomed little life mercifully expires.

          • I mean, I can understand if, you know, a pregnant woman is god forbid in a horrible car crash or something, but for a fetus no one really wants???

      • You'd think there'd be child labor laws against that sort of thing.

        • HistoriCat

          Why are you trying to suppress the entrepreneurial spirit of Merkan fetuses?

    • GortRay

      But the Messicans will just come over and steal those jerbs!

  • coolhandnuke

    This is great news for my long-planned Abortionplex and In-and-Out burger business at the California/Arizona border.

    • I see what you do there.

      • coolhandnuke

        It was a tough choice between In-and-Out and Jack In the Box.

        • Angry_Marmot

          If you Jack in the Box instead of going for the In-and-Out, you wouldn't need the… Oh, never mind.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      Gives Needles a whole new meaning.

    • Dude, the meat's too tender for burger. Do baby back ribs. (walks away singing "baby back, I want my baby back …")

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I hope these feti are worthy of the advances in medicine.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Yes, and we certainly don't want our tax dollars going to support shiftless, lazy feti who won't even bother to work so that they can afford private insurance.

  • See, folks? This is the way "Small Government" works.

  • emmelemm

    We've had Florida, we've had Tennessee… it just wouldn't be a full day of crazy without Arizona checking in!

    • Baconzgood

      (Knock at the door)

      Anyone in there? It's Texas. C'mon guys let me in.

      • MacRaith

        South Carolina is waiting right behind you. And you really don't want that.

        • Baby got back!

          Er … I mean … ooops.

      • Terry

        Texas is wandering around looking for a drink of water. They tried to steal Louisiana's water, but the Cajuns and their neighbors threatened to set their alligators on them if they tried.

      • Dave's not home, man!

    • fartknocker

      Let's not forget the fine people of Oklahoma and Mississippi.

      • I was actually doing quite good at that, till you reminded me.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Who's willing to step up and take the Crazy Olympics Gold? I thought it was a two state race between Texas and Arizona but Florida's gun toting, face eating, women hating, nutsacks are hard to ignore.

      • Baconzgood

        I don't know….for some reason I think Idaho is just going to pull a bat shit insane sprint to the finish when no one is looking.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Jesus H Fucking Christ, what in the fuck is wrong with these fucking people?

    • I already asked myself that this morning about FLORIDA.

  • It's true: beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes straight to the bone.

  • StealthMuslin

    We need to build a fence around Arizona vaginas! Pronto!

    • FWIW, all the women I saw in AZ either look like her or look like they'll turn into her in a few decades. Big tits, scrawny as hell, overly tanned, bleached, teased, sprayed, and made up, and early wrinkles.

  • mavenmaven

    "doom fetuses that might be saved due to advances in medicine"
    …advances in medicine that are usually too expensive for anyone without high end medical insurance…

    • sullivanst

      Advances in medicine that surely won't come to fruition in the next 20 weeks.

    • IonaTrailer

      I'm naming my punk rock band "Doomed Fetuses"

    • It costs millions of dollars to keep very early preemies alive. Millions. And they're talking about "saving" creatures that might be so severely deformed that they die within hours of being born. Anencephalic infants, for example. There's a nightmare, a baby without a brain, or a tiny mass of tissue on its chest or outside its skull. Even medical professionals who see these things all the time get sickened at the sight of a severely deformed infant. Will the poor parents have to view them too?

      • mavenmaven

        Why, the Bushes kept theirs in a little jar!

        • I'm not allowed to say what I think of the Bushes or they take my computer away. And the last three melted.

  • Can a fetus stand it's ground?

  • bringmeanaxe

    I believe it should be 'The GOP don't do math real good lately'.

    • elgin_pelican

      "I don't do math good like I used to could."

      • "Used to could" is something I've heard from even very educated Southerners. "Might could" is another one. I think it's kinda cute and funny, actually.

  • SorosBot

    In other words: women, join the brown people in getting the fuck out of Arizona for your own safety.

    • Little difficult, since the electorate is approximately one-third white, one-third Hispanic, and one-third Native. Something like two-thirds of the state would have to leave. Might be better if they stayed and kicked all the snowbirds' asses straight back to Dakota.

  • Baconzgood

    Science grows in leaps and bounds in 16 weeks.

  • Goonemeritus

    If I lived in Arizona and I had a daughter I would install a Flintstone chewable plan B dispenser in every room of my house.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I hear ya. To keep my daughter safe the ex and I considered gene therapy to cross her (my only) with a porcupine.

      Keep yer handz off boys!!!!

      • I never thought I'd end up being like you miserable old codgers, but I have nursed many horrible thoughts about boys looking at MyBestGirl. In fact, I'm contemplating buying firearms just so I can invite the little shits over and clean my piece as they talk.

  • Antispandex

    "But he said the law is constitutional because it doesn’t prohibit any women from making the decision to end their pregnancies."

    Welll, neither would a ban that limited the right to abortion to, say, 12 hours after conception, or the first 15 seconds after a woman finds out she's pregnant…Um, say, do me a favor and don't tell your wingnuttyish friend or relatives about those ideas, OK?

    • No, the ban begins two weeks BEFORE conception, so she could only choose to abort it, you know, like, three weeks before conception or something. Unless she gets access to Mitt's time machine, and does it retroactively.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    So nice of the Rs to care about people before they're actually people. But if you happen to be a breathing, walking human who has no health insurance, job, money or has the wrong pigmentation–tough shit, eh?

  • mrpuma2u

    So according to Jan Brewer and Co. if your fetus dies after 20 weeks it's because gawd hates you, and you should die too? How did this loony get to be governor? Then again I live in Illinois like I got room to talk.

    • pdiddycornchips

      How? Dan Quayle is one their best and brightest. The entire state consists of a giant hole in the ground and some tumbleweeds. It's the toilet bowl for Las Vegas. People retire, move to Vegas, lose their life saving on slots, hookers and meth and then are forced through the I 15 urinary tract and into Arizona. And just like piss, they're bitter, useless and an odd orangey yellow color.

      • Dude. That was one fine rant.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Teacher Barbie says "Fuck Math and Arizona."

  • But he said the law is constitutional because it doesn’t prohibit any women from making the decision to end their pregnancies.

    No, it just prevents them from carrying those decisions out. After hearing Antonin Scalia talk about how shoulder-held rocket launchers are covered under the second amendment, and now this, it's shocking the degree of absolute literalism the GOP embraces.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Although "A well-regulated militia…" means absolutely literally nothing.

  • SmutBoffin

    "…the GOP has begun waging a war on math…"

    You have made a very powerful enemy, GOP. How will you count your campaign donations when you have no arithmetic? How will you plan a 50 state campaign when the notions of distance and rate have been discarded? How can you even determine who is in your party and who is not, when set theory has abandoned you?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      How will you calculate the taxes due on your million-dollar dividend …. oh, wait.

    • These words you speak. They make the very nice tinkling like little bells. What do they mean?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Its fucking sad when plastic surgery goes so very wrong.

    • Girl? You're not telling me this is the AFTER pitcher?

  • ThundercatHo

    Good thing only the women who are bad at math, lying and wealth will be affected by this new law. P.S. Girls, learn to work contraception and a calendar.

  • OneYieldRegular

    The similarities between an underdeveloped fetus and an Arizona Republican's brain are, I suspect, more than just cosmetic.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Caption Contest: "I kid you not. It was this long and I couldn't talk for a week".

    • BloviateMe

      Dunno, if I view the picture like a perverse Rorscach, I see her hands spreading huge meat curtains, and her going in for the clitoris like it was corn on the cob.

      I assume that answer is wrong.

      • elviouslyqueer

        "spreading huge meat curtains"

        And behold, the new name for my k.d. lang tribute band.

        • prommie

          "Sleave of Wizard" is a good band name, too.

      • Ms_Anthrope

        "Meat curtains" sounds too moist. How about jerky curtains?

        • OK. You totally won me over. How big a cheque do I need to write?

    • coolhandnuke

      "I have named Ron Jeremy as Arizona's newest Vice Governor. We had our first meeting last night and it lasted this long."

  • pinkocommi

    "Republicans want a small government all right. Small enough to crawl up my vagina." Margaret of Margaret and Helen

    • emmelemm

      #1: Adorable! How did I not know of this Margaret and Helen?

      #2: My name is actually Margaret, and my grandmother's name was Helen. Adorable!

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I had never heard of them either. I love it!

  • Trannysurprise

    I say kill the mothers. Oh, I know what youre going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?

    • sullivanst

      That's standing Catholic Church doctrine, no?

    • IonaTrailer

      Jos Arpaio could incarcerate them in his cages out in the desert.

    • That is a wonderful idea. It's the WOMENZ who are responsible for killing the preshus babbyz. Therefore those murderesses must be punished with the DEATH PENALTY.

      Let's put it to the vote. Let's vote that women who use contraception, have sex before marriage, commit adultery, or actively attempt to terminate their pregnancies or divorce their husbands get the death penalty, as the Bible says they should.

  • Estproph

    Maybe they will go all out and come up with the Muslim Women Prohibited From Counting Votes Act – get all their boogeymen at once.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I bet Jan Brewer hasn't had to worry about getting pregnant for at least 50 years now.

    • widestanceromance

      The only way she could ever get pregnant is if she was air-dropped into a vat of very slow-moving sperm. The speedier sperm would of course, leap out.

    • Beowoof

      Sex with a worn saddle bag doesn't look or sound appealing.

    • Baconzgood

      I was placing bets on who would change their avatar to that. You win a cookie Crunchy.

      • CrunchyKnee

        Thanks, C is also for COOKIES.

  • Chichikovovich

    Look, the war on women stuff is despicable. But I don't think we should be too quick to scoff at the idea of a war on math. Listen, people, to the testimony of a battle scarred survivor.

    As I see it, it's simple self-defence. Let's face it, Math is a real asshole. It would just as soon kill you as answer any questions you might have. And that's not even considering sadists like the Theory of Recursively Enumerable Degrees, which extinguishes its prey by slowly draining them of any joy or will to live.

    • emmelemm

      Look, you go to war with math, odds are, you're gonna lose.

      • Chichikovovich

        That's what math wants you to think.—

        • i have not had much time for the wonkettes of late but i always make a point of reading your comments.

          and i'm never sorry.

          i am also 100% pure liberal arts and if that theory of enumerable whatsit is not an alternate spelling from a corrupted webster quarto, i'm moving to canada where they are less extreme.

          • Chichikovovich

            Thanks – that means a lot to me.As for the Theory of R.E. Degrees, yes it is indeed a real thing, a very difficult, and thematically unusual research subject in Logic/Theoretical Computation. And in graduate school it was for me what the dementors were for Harry Potter.It's good you mentioned it, in fact, since Chicago and area (more specifically U of Chicago, U of I, Chicago and U of I Urbana-Champaign) is one of the nerve centres of research in this stuff. (Or used to be – my information is maybe 15 years out of date, and people may have moved/retired/changed research areas in the meantime.) So just to be safe, I'd move to Canada right away. Stratford, Ontario should suit you just right…..—

          • HA! we're heading to stratford next w/e for our annual family reunion (mostly at bentley's bar though sometimes we actually manage a play as well.). my parents are actually looking to retire there. my mom claims it's b/c of american gov't overreach (she's the canadian socialist who has inexplicably become a WSJ spouting murdoch loving republican), but i think she's longing to move home (though she's originally from montreal).

            you know u of c is one of my nerve centers as well? though i suspect opposite ends of campus. (though come to think of it, court theatre is right in the astrophysics / nuclear power corridor isn't it)?

            small world.

  • BornInATrailer

    What happened to Jan's right hand? Pro Bowler? Or carpal tunnel issue from a shameful "repetitive motion injury?"

  • Mittens Howell, III

    It's just a matter of time before Arizona is reduced to three old white men, one fence, and fourteen assault rifles.

    • emmelemm

      But is the danged fence finished?

      • Callyson

        I hope so: those of us in California don't want AZ drivers terrorizing our roads this summer.

        Oh, that fence is along a different border?

  • spends2much

    Jan Brewer actually is birth control. Just download the above image, take it to Kinko's to get a life size colour copy, tape that bad boy to your head, and watch the men flee in horror, while throwing up.

    • Running While Barfing: a new Olympic event.

  • Callyson

    Note: if your fetus is going to die AFTER the 20 weeks, is that a medical emergency? What about if it will probably die during or shortly after childbirth? Is that a medical emergency? Answer: no. No, neither of those things are medical emergencies, actually, and women will have to carry severely deformed fetuses to term

    WTF *is* a medical emergency then? A woman holding a gun to the doctor's head?

    Well, now we know why they love their guns in the Grand Canyon State…


    • They're going to force those poor women to carry an unwanted dying creature within their bodies. There's going to be a fucking mental health problem fer realz. I can only go by what I've seen, and all the women I know who have had to deal with something like this take YEARS to recover. Jeezus. It srsly gives me the fucking willies.

  • fartknocker

    And now you understand why the Governor of AZ is known as GED Jan.

  • TootsStansbury

    She looks like a child cannibalism enthusiast.

  • Good thing they didn't outlaw partial-worth abortions of proposed legislation doomed to die. Ugh, yes apparently it did.. otherwise there wouldn't be so many malformed walking brain defects in the AZ legislature right now.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Wow! Arizona is going to implement sweeping health care and welfare reforms to help low income moms feed, house and care for their new children? Even the severely disabled ones? Because live kids can definitely feel pain.

    • sullivanst

      Repeat after me: "They're only pro-life until birth"

    • DahBoner

      No pain, no gain!

    • These miserable motherfuckers must not know what a HUGE burden it is to care for a severely ill and disabled child. The terror that the parents experience, every single day, the endless worry.

  • qwerty42

    Wars on Wimminz, Math and teh Mooslins. Well, they are called Arabic numerals, so that's two fer one right there. And teh Wimminz are just dangerous.

  • MissTaken

    This is okay with me. I find fusilli feti after 20 weeks tastes gamey anyways.

  • poorgradstudent

    You know, for people who hate any intellectual movement that took place after 1700 Republicans sure are getting postmodern on us.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Foucault of them and the horse they Derridan.

  • Arizona’s ban, set to take effect Thursday, prohibits abortions starting at 20 weeks of pregnancy

    Actually, just a minor correction, which actually speaks to the "War on Math" element in this story, but it's actually starting at 20 weeks since last menses, at which point women are assumed to have become pregnant. Which is likely to translate to something like 15 or 16 weeks once all is said and done.

    And possibly much much shorter, depending on what other meds someone is on, or how well-nourished they were before getting pregnant. I swear, it's like nobody in Arizona has ever watched "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" on TLC. (Which, it bears noting, is a different show from the Bristol Palin reality series.)

  • Grandmother Gov Jan Brewer is DELICIOUSLY HaWt!!!!!!

    that is all

    actually, she would tots kill if she had a sick tat!!!

    • She *does* have a sick tat. She had a tat, and it was so sick when it discovered it was on her that it slithered right off.

  • Redhead

    How many advancement is the GOP REALLY going to make in fetal medicine in the 4.5 months between the abortion cutoff and the baby's birth, given that the GOP hates science?

  • DahBoner

    Why don't they just put a warning label on Meth with that picture?

  • pinkocommi

    As a woman who actually is 20-weeks pregnant and waiting the results of an amnio after receiving abnormal blood test results, I would like to communicate a heartfelt FUCK YOU to Arizona.

    • ZOMG. Please, sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Breathe deeply.

      I hope I didn't say anything to offend. And I sincerely hope everything goes great for you. (hands pinkocommi a glass of water)

    • oh pinko sending you many good wishes.

    • Callyson

      JFC, I hope all goes well…best of luck…

    • MosesInvests

      Hey, for what it's worth, we had the same thing with my son, who's now almost 17 years old. Hang in there, and we'll all hope/pray/send good vibes for the best.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Now Jan can start a large collection of deformed fetus in a jar along with collection of headless illegal immigrants in her basement.


    Wow, I love living in Arizona but it is getting to be so frustrating and embarrassing. Brewer is just plain STUPID and the laws they are passing are pissing me off!! I vote as do most of my friends so why can't we change this backwards state? Well at least we have good roads so that when this place emplodes we can get out fast!!!

  • ibwilliamsi

    Seriously, Jan. Get some sunscreen.

    • Callyson

      I am very tempted to tell Jan Brewer to work on her tan, but Rules for Radicals dictates that I not wish for the (skin cancer induced) death of anyone, no matter how deserving, so I won't…

  • ttommyunger

    So, the word bubble for this pix is "When I was a young hottie my pussy would swell up this big; like a fucking catcher's mitt.".

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Montgomery said that not implementing the 20-week ban would doom fetuses that might be saved due to advances in medicine."

    "Doom"? As in, all women will just naturally choose to have an abortion, and only this asinine law will prevent it? Republitard logic, at its best.

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