HACKS  6:27 pm July 30, 2012

Stocks Rally Due To Romney Win 100 Days In Future, CNBC Declares With Straight Face

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Fine coverage, fellowsThe stock market. What is it? It is a collection, or “cooperative,” of people who throw bits of paper in the air and scream their faces off. If you are rich, it gives you muneez. If you are poor, it gives your boss muneez. When the stock market goes down, that is because everyone hates the president, but when it goes up, that is because everyone hates the president. If anything, it just makes too much sense! Let us ask CNBC to explain why a stock market surge is due to investors betting on a Romney win, despite the fact that Mitt Romney is not, in fact, actually winning.

One analysis concludes that last week’s sharp three-day market surge can only mean that Wall Street is banking on a victory from Republican Mitt Romney.

That’s the logical interpretation one can draw from a rally amid conditions that otherwise would demand a selloff, Morgan Stanley chief U.S. equity strategist Adam S. Parker said in an analysis that asserts there is no other reason now to like stocks than a Romney win.

The conclusion Parker draws is that investors are betting that Romney will unseat President Obama and bring a more business-friendly environment to the White House. [...]

The conclusion, though, is not completely supported, either by past or present conditions.

Historically, moves higher in the market usually mean the incumbent president is likely to win, while sell-offs simply indicate the challenger is favored, according to research from S&P/Capital IQ.

Oh, so this Morgan Stanley fellow is spouting totally unsupported bullshit, as is made clear in … let’s see, both hands … the 10th paragraph of this story, “Wall Street Already Betting On Who Wins In November”? Cool, CNBC. Good job, you guys. Keepin’ it real.

[CNBC]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 290 comments }

nounverb911 July 30, 2012 at 6:29 pm

What do they know? The Dow was down today.

AncienReggie July 30, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Um, let's see. One analyst. Gotcha, CNBC. House pet?

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 31, 2012 at 1:52 am

At this point these assholes would broadcast the opinions from the tinfoil hat set since they are predicting a Romney win (Bachman, Palin, Chick-Fil-A, Beck…the usuals). These corporate douchebags are so sold on one of their own getting elected they are masturbating to their lifesize Romney cutout (which is somehow more personable than Romney himself is) on a daily basis. Oh the laughs that will be had once again at CNBC's expense when "that terrible, awful Negro" is re-elected and Mittens returns to sociopathic obscurity where he belongs. I just hope this time Jon Stewart brings the entire network on to lambast them for their bullshit.

johnnyzhivago July 30, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Wall Street: Like Las Vegas without the fun stuff….

AbandonHope July 30, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Also, one is run entirely by organized crime syndicates, and the other is Las Vegas.

sullivanst July 30, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I dunno, hookers and blow also seem to be something they have in common.

littlebigdaddy July 30, 2012 at 7:13 pm

But they don't hand out cards with hookers pix and numbers on the street in NY, unless I am looking in the wrong places.

sullivanst July 30, 2012 at 7:20 pm

That only happens in quiet rooms.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 12:43 am

This. Win.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 30, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Suction?

Tundra Grifter July 30, 2012 at 7:26 pm

At least in Vegas the suckers win once in a while.

tessiee July 30, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Wall Street: Like Las Vegas without the fun stuff….

and using our money.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 12:43 am

I don't know; you can find hookers-n-blow on both the trading floor and the casino floor. Jus' sayin'…

Barb_ July 30, 2012 at 6:33 pm

This is great news! I am looking forward to spending more time with my stock broker and less time with my pawn broker.

Tundra Grifter July 30, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Barb:

Like "waiter," there's a good reason they call 'em "brokers."

Barb_ July 30, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I like that, Tundra! Thanks!

AbandonHope July 30, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Same business, slightly different magnitude.

Barb_ July 30, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I'd like to get back into the stock market one of these days, Abandon.

James Michael Curley July 31, 2012 at 5:33 am

You have to have a broker that has a plan. I have one. He got me a share of Facebook as soon as it opened at $38 a share. Then he got me a call on the share with an option on the call and a straddle to cover the possible downside with a catastrophic loss put just in case the market went all October '29 again. This required an investment of less then $45 and only $149.95 in commissions.

Jus_Wonderin July 31, 2012 at 5:38 am

This is genius. Give me his name so I can shoot him.

AbandonHope July 31, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I hear you. I just learned that my brother-in-law worked for a company a few years back that was just recently acquired by Apple. He still had a good amount of stock in that company, and has already made a nice amount off of it thanks to the purchase.

I'm happy for him… and am also so envious.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 12:44 am

There's a difference?

Schmannnity July 30, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Of course the market is rallying to the idea that Romney proposes to slash government spending and public sector employment to throw the US into a mother of all depressions while prosecuting a war against Iran which will cripple the world's economy if not lead to WWIII. What's not to like from an investment standpoint? Or it could be because I trimmed my nose hair.

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Hey, NOBODY is saying these guys are smart. They're definitely opinionated and overpaid, though.

AbandonHope July 30, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Hey, Rule of Acquisition #34: War is good for business. So, yeah, I'm sure plenty of business interests are banking on a WWIII.

tessiee July 30, 2012 at 8:59 pm

I thought Rule 34 was something else entirely.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 30, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Well, war porn became dreadfully dull once we switched over to drones.

starfanglednut July 30, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Biggest. Dildo. EVAR!!!

Mittens Howell, III July 31, 2012 at 1:12 am

The market is certainly responding to your well-coiffed nasal hairs and also, Dancing Horse Futures are up, up up!

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 31, 2012 at 1:57 am

Also…Romney can't help himself about insulting our allies who we have a "special relationship" with that Obama clearly doesn't understand. I mean, just this week he mocked the English and repeated the mother of all anti-semitic attacks against Jews (they're so good at BIDNESS as a culture don'tchaknow!) :chews on face: I mean how can the world not benefit from the obvious sociopathic, power-addicted and idiotic awesomeness of his lord high Hairgell? Good call Wallstreet…now why don't you guys go back to slamming coke off the assholes of high priced callgirls (which aside from graft seems to be the best talent of stock-mongers) so the rest of us adults can govern?

johnnymeatworth July 30, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Is Chick-Fil-A doing some kind of contest? Maybe he could win that instead….

KeepFnThatOwl July 30, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Privately-held company. Your Ameros go straight to the pockets of Truett Cathy and his tithe.

MinAgain July 30, 2012 at 6:34 pm

It's like magic, only you pull the rabbit out of your ass.

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Do you have to wear magic underwear too?

Edit: I'd suggest a magic maxi-pad too, if you're pulling rabbits out of your ass.

Tundra Grifter July 30, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Nothin' up my sleeve.

bikerlaureate July 30, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Someone has to speak up for the poor bunnies…

Eeeew.

tessiee July 30, 2012 at 8:59 pm

And strap it to the roof of your car.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 31, 2012 at 2:02 am

Damn…designer beat me to it. Okay…so I'll come up with another Mormon joke…how about this one? Then…that magic ass rabbit with magic underwear goes on to be the god of another planet. Couldn't be Wallstreet, Mittens has planet money already reserved…okay, that sucked but it's dry humor..

mavenmaven July 30, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Wall Street goes up, Wall Street goes down. Who can explain it?

sullivanst July 30, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Not CNBC, obviously.

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 6:58 pm

After the 10th paragraph, CNBC gets into the Morgan Stanley analyst's Rune Consultation Methodology.

NellCote71 July 30, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Olympics illuminati libel.

Tundra Grifter July 30, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Ivan Boesky. And that dude from Galleon. Also.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 12:47 am

Martha Stewart? Bernie Madoff? Every well-connected Wall Street CEO evah?

Stevola July 31, 2012 at 1:15 am

Always a miscommunication

DrunkIrishman July 30, 2012 at 6:35 pm

If that was the case, the surge would have come during a time of good news for Romney and not when his numbers have consistently stayed grounded at both the national & state levels. In fact, last week ended disastrously for Romney – as the stock surge coincided with the fallout from Romney's moronic statements in England.

Any objective person would tell you that while Romney is a contender for the presidency, he still remains quite the underdog.

nounverb911 July 30, 2012 at 6:39 pm

"There's no need to fear–
Underdog is here!"

ChillBill July 30, 2012 at 7:02 pm

And by "underdog" you mean strapped to the BOTTOM of the station wagon, right?

tessiee July 30, 2012 at 9:00 pm

"he still remains quite the underdog"

The overdog being Seamus.

kittensdontlie July 30, 2012 at 10:21 pm

There is no question that the rally was due to ECB President Draghi pledging to do everything possible to safeguard the euro. Williard's winning is the wingnut's pipe dream…and they ain't smokin' straight tobacky in those pipes,…let me tell you.

Geminisunmars July 30, 2012 at 6:35 pm

I'm convinced. Of something something…

nounverb911 July 30, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Does Parker mention the almost 7000 point Dow loss that Bush caused?

Generation[redacted] July 30, 2012 at 6:39 pm

That was just Wall Street betting on Obama, obvs.

sudsmckenzie July 30, 2012 at 8:47 pm

I blame Erin Burnett

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 12:48 am

I blame that vapid thing for everything. Even more than I Blame Canada.

Also, BTPB (But the President's Black). Also. Too. Tambien.

GunToting[Redacted] July 30, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Because what we all have come to expect from Wall Street is a long-term outlook on things.

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Yep. Like when their computers trade a stock thousands of times per second – It's all about investing in our future.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 30, 2012 at 9:24 pm

They say it is to improve liquidity, but it's more like privileged taxation. Hayek himself would be disgusted at the practice.
http://ontology.buffalo.edu/smith/articles/HAYEK….

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:07 am

Do they really claim that they're providing a service here? I thought they at least had the honesty to admit they're doing it for pure profit, and then say that we should allow it to continue because as a side-effect it increases liquidity, and that's good because they say so now shut up that's why.

Guppy July 30, 2012 at 7:17 pm

You forgot the word "flawed."

Exactly where it was forgotten is left as an exercise to the reader.

johnnyzhivago July 30, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Do yourself a favor and watch this BBC documentary on Mitt/Mormans and send it around to all of your friends/enemies/etc… Seriously WEIRD stuff!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

Geminisunmars July 30, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I don't have an hour. You got a synopsis?

sullivanst July 30, 2012 at 6:54 pm

I believe the appropriate response is "tl;dw"

johnnyzhivago July 30, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Don't vote for Mitt.

Geminisunmars July 30, 2012 at 7:01 pm

You make a persuasive argument.

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Good grief. I'm not sure you want to watch this. It's good journalism. But if I have to hear one more saccharine mormon mormonizing about something, I'll spew.

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 7:16 pm

"mormonizing"? Is that the under-chassis treatment the car salesman tries to sell?

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Sure feels like it, Designer. The mormon church seems to keep its hand way deep up its puppets' asses.

GlowneyHouse July 31, 2012 at 9:14 am

Think of it as "magic underwear" for your automobile.

starfanglednut July 30, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Hi Z. Is your kitty ok?

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 10:44 pm

We are not entertaining any discussions on the subject, thanks.

DahBoner July 30, 2012 at 6:59 pm

I want to know what happens to the Osmonds at the end?

Whoops, didn't mean to spoil it for you….

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 7:03 pm

I saw that on Daily Dish, but after 20 minutes of playing it in the background, it was still about Mormons. There's a real nice polygamous family, tho.

jakegittes July 30, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Why the fuck is it, that old white fat fucks that claim to be elders of some religion or are just old white fat fucks in general always Freudian slip and call Obama "Osama." Check it out beginning at the 30:00 point.

What the fuck is it with these people?

tessiee July 30, 2012 at 9:02 pm

"Why the fuck is it, that old white fat fucks that claim to be elders of some religion or are just old white fat fucks in general always Freudian slip and call Obama "Osama."

Because that's their idea of subtlety and cleverness?

Isyaignert July 31, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Fuk if I know. Fukkers attract other fukkers and the unwitting fukkees. Fuk it.

jakegittes July 31, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Did you just say, "Phuk?"

Schmannnity July 30, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Could it be that the market rallied because Romney stepped on his dick in London multiple times last week?

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 7:00 pm

He stepped on it in Israel, too, and is now busy stepping the life out of the last couple inches in Poland, where he was greeted by a crowd shouting "Obama! Obama!"

Geminisunmars July 30, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Is that true? The part of about the crowd shouting "Obama"?

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 7:13 pm
starfanglednut July 30, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Awesome.

vasty_derp July 30, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Are you sure it was inches? I thought I read it was centimeters…

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I'm beginning to despise the man. He's a typical bully. All bluster, but the minute anyone stands up to him, he pipes down and can barely manage a squeak. First he was all, I'm'a break the agreement I have with the US press for access, then they complained, then he was all, well, I guess we'll let them in after all.

Of course, he'll drop that pansy-assed demeanour and swing into Fully Bully Mode if, deity forbid, he ever wins.

vasty_derp July 30, 2012 at 10:36 pm

He's a weathervane. I have no idea why anyone thinks he can be relied upon to do or say anything without then doing or saying something contradictory the next day.

Maybe the thinking is that the Koch & Adelson puppeteers can be relied upon, but what if they disagree about something? And he's so tone-deaf, he can't even hear himself go off-message, or even tell when he's just being an arrogant jerk.

Mittborg are you now short a kittyborg?

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:18 am

Oh, I have long despised the man.

He's totally the kind of asshole who'd pin a kid down and cut his hair for daring to look like an individual.

Also, a pathological liar.

Quite an unendearing combination, I find

johnnyzhivago July 30, 2012 at 6:37 pm

I think when the stories about the underwear, the fact that Mormans follow a guy who was a con-artist and the "blood oaths" come out, his popularity may fall.

bumfug July 30, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Oath libel!

vasty_derp July 30, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I thought oaths were good for your blood cholesterol? Oh, wait…

johnnyzhivago July 30, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Not sure about oaths, but slitting your own throat will DEFINITELY lower your blood pressure!

bobbert July 30, 2012 at 10:30 pm

To say nothing of blood atonement.

johnnyzhivago July 30, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Being updated as “drone atonement”

M. Bouffant July 31, 2012 at 12:12 am

The "Tree of Liberty" & all that …

bumfug July 30, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Well, it's also in part due to that massive oil field they're going to discover under Kansas next month.

Warco3 July 30, 2012 at 6:38 pm

CNBC; the new comedy channel?

coolhandnuke July 30, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Randolph Duke:Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.
Mortimer Duke: Here, one dollar.

Isyaignert July 31, 2012 at 1:11 pm

"Trading Places" is my favorite move of all time- I have watch it every Christmas since 1983. Bless you nuke, I hope you have an awesome day!

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I've never seen it. I'll put it on my list.

Isyaignert July 31, 2012 at 4:15 pm

There are many memorable scenes in that movie – like young Jamie Lee Curtis' naked boobies (I'm a straight female, but she looked amazing) and now-Senator Al Franken as a drunk baggage handler.

I won't spoil it by telling you any more, but here's my favorite scene with Dan Akryod – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od4nSd9AVH8

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Thanks, babes. Will check.

DerrickWildcat July 30, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I don't believe in the stock market anyway.

ChillBill July 30, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Based on my 401k, neither do I.

DerrickWildcat July 30, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Well i have a a 402L. It's like 1 and a letter better than the thing you have.

SayItWithWookies July 30, 2012 at 6:43 pm

How else was this economist supposed to answer? When he shook his Magic 8-Ball, it said "Signs point to yes."

Tundra Grifter July 30, 2012 at 7:30 pm

I suspected what was up when he answered a previous question with "Reply hazy – try again later."

Come here a minute July 30, 2012 at 6:43 pm

My foolproof way to predict the election is to keep a close eye on Mormon underwear futures.

DahBoner July 30, 2012 at 6:57 pm

When hemlines go up to reveal a little bit of ankle…

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 9:13 am

Full ankle or get the heck out!

chascates July 30, 2012 at 6:43 pm

The stock market in the late 1920s soared because it knew there would be a Great Depression which would lead to the election of FDR who would be President during World War II which would then lead to the greatest economic expansion in this country's history and the establishment of a very large middle class.
Q.E.D.

OneYieldRegular July 30, 2012 at 7:34 pm

You forgot "…and then to a period of relative prosperity until a catastrophic financial meltdown in 2008, followed by the election of an Indonesian-Kenyan socialist Muslim undercover Manchurian Candidate as U. S. President, who would intervene to prevent another Great Depression only as a cynical ruse in his rise to world domination through coordinated support of the United Nations, Planned Parenthood, and the New Black Panthers."

chascates July 30, 2012 at 7:47 pm

"Those who don't learn history are condemned to revise it."

sudsmckenzie July 30, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I still have a scar, some VISA charges for "Para Rafting"?, $12 worth of pets dot com stock, and a probable warrant in Greenwich CT from the last Triple Witching Hour.

bikerlaureate July 30, 2012 at 7:50 pm

How about some Flooz to round out that collection?

sudsmckenzie July 30, 2012 at 8:16 pm

I have my stockpile of Groupon's out back, come on, I'm not Gohmerted.

Come here a minute July 30, 2012 at 8:13 pm

I call bullshit. There's no such thing as "$12 worth of pets dot com stock".

sudsmckenzie July 30, 2012 at 8:35 pm

hmmm, that guy at the Greenwich rest stop seemed really sincere.

Crank_Tango July 30, 2012 at 9:37 pm

How can you ever tell with a sock puppet?

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Well, when you have a literal boatload of it, there's an intrinsic value to the paper it's printed on.

BarackMyWorld July 30, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Its because Wall Street is culturally superior to other streets in the area.

Guppy July 30, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Does Wall Street have a better understanding of the "special relationship?"

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 9:57 pm

It's very Anglo-Saxon.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 12:53 am

I want a president who understands High Street; to hell with Canary Wharf, I say.

O'Bama '12!

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 12:55 am

It made Mittens very unhappy to find many Polish people also feel that way.

Rotundo_ July 30, 2012 at 6:49 pm

This is CNBC, you know, the guys that have Jim Cramer on and all of those other idiots that are so called "experts". This is just one more example of stupid douchebags on parade for the entertainment of people who think the likes of Jim Cramer have anything worth listening to. You know, the salt of the earth, morons.

DahBoner July 30, 2012 at 6:56 pm

BOO YAH!!!

RadioBowels July 30, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Wonkette needs one of those wacky soundboards. But for now, with apologies to the great elpinche, I offer this up:
http://sadtrombone.com/

sullivanst July 30, 2012 at 6:57 pm

CNBC, the channel where Jim Cramer is, by a country mile, the smart, sensible, accurate one.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 30, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Betting againt Cramer is the one and only investment strategy ever shown to produce a guaranteed return.

Tundra Grifter July 30, 2012 at 7:32 pm

The poor man's Louis Rukeyser.

Of course, Louis Rukeyser was also the poor man's Louis Rukeyser if you followed any of his market advice.

tessiee July 30, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Also, he made some very racist remarks in his stand-up routine.

jakegittes July 30, 2012 at 10:25 pm

About this time last year, Cramer was urging you to buy, buy, buy NFLX when it was trading at its top around 300ish or so. Today, NFLX trades at a cool 57.75. Thanks for the tip, Clown Boy Cramer.

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Back up the truck!! *truck beeping sound effects*

M. Bouffant July 31, 2012 at 12:15 am

Two names: Larry Kudlow.

Blueb4sinrise July 30, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Maybe the market went up or down because it's good or bad that we're wasting or investing so much in Afghanistan.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-1905253

GunToting[Redacted] July 30, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Blood and treasure libel!

Geminisunmars July 30, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Precisely!

rocktonsam July 30, 2012 at 6:50 pm

will these nice people that are able to predict the future tell me who to bet on in the world series or at least give me Saturday's Power ball numbers?

Tundra Grifter July 30, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Some years ago I was working for a party production company in San Francisco, and our boss hired a psychic to interview us.

I asked him who was going to win the 49'ers game that night. He said "I don't predict horse races or sporting events."

I said "Common – just for fun. What's going to happen?"

He thought about it for a minute and then said "Ok, just for fun." He didnt' know a whole heck of a lot about football, but he went ahead and gave me his prediction – which was a bit off the wall.

Up until the final few minutes of the fourth quarter, when an absolutely freak play changed the game, he was spot on.

finallyhappy July 30, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Stephen Pastis who writes Pearls before Swine once gave me Powerball numbers- on Facebook- they did not work

jqheywood July 30, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Larry, iz dat you?

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Stephen?

bobbert July 30, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Stock market analists only predict the future after the fact.

valthemus July 30, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Lawrence Kudlow has finally staged a coup and taken over CNBC! Who didn't see this coming? Next step: sell it to Fox.

RadioBowels July 30, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Trickle over.

BlueStateLibel July 30, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I love when cons start "analyzing" and "reasoning," it reminds me of that cute chimp down at the zoo.

Crank_Tango July 30, 2012 at 9:38 pm

My dog analyzed and reasoned a sweet pile of raccoon shit the other day. It was precious.

ChillBill July 30, 2012 at 6:54 pm

DeLorean with Flux Capacitor or STFU.

DahBoner July 30, 2012 at 6:55 pm

" I recognize the hand of providence in selecting this place"

I thought Mitt was in Israel, not Jackson County, Missouri??!?!!

In Doctrine and Covenants 84:2-3 the Lord reveals: “Yea, the word of the Lord concerning his church, established in the last days for the restoration of his people, as he has spoken by the mouth of this prophets, and for the gathering of his saints to stand upon Mount Zion, which shall be the city of New Jerusalem. Which city shall be built, beginning at the temple lot, which is appointed by the finger of the Lord, in the western boundaries of the State of Missouri….”

This is the region known as Jackson County.

bobbert July 30, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Not far from the site of the Garden of Eden.

BarackMyWorld July 30, 2012 at 8:33 pm

And some awesome barbeque joints.

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 9:17 am

So it's really the Garden of Eatin'.

ttommyunger July 30, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I was born there, in Blue Springs, Missouri. If we meet, don't forget to kiss my ring, commoners.

BloviateMe July 30, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Adam S. Parker is a child cannabalism enthusiast*

*The conclusion, though, is not completely supported, either by past or present conditions.

chascates July 30, 2012 at 7:48 pm

For that to be a true statement he would have to be under the age of twelve.

DerrickWildcat July 30, 2012 at 7:00 pm

What does any of this have to do with Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson?

bobbert July 30, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Thankfully, nothing.

SorosBot July 30, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Except that they star in Mormon propaganda, and Romney is a Mormon – oh my don't you get it; it's a Mormon conspiracy! Run!

BoatOfVelociraptors July 30, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Box futures are a buy!

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Deities! Is there no end to the mass attack of Stupid that appears to be enveloping the country during erection season?

sullivanst July 30, 2012 at 7:14 pm

If we get protection from this massive attack, better things will surely come our way.

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I have to admit to being somewhat prejudiced against Massive Attack after they did a thoughtless remix of some of Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's better tracks.

But this is good. Thanks.

Chet Kincaid July 31, 2012 at 8:43 am

Nusrat was fantastic. I have a lot of his traditional stuff, as well as a non-traditional album he did for Gabriel's Real World label, and saw him in concert back in the '90s. I love that straightforward, deep, funky approach to the tabla in his group, so distinct from the intricacies of Indian tabla.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 10:10 am

Yes, he was. There is no one else quite like him in the contemporary Qawwali music scene. He combined some interesting jazz/scat technique with a deep knowledge of both classical Hindustani music and Northwest Indian folk music.

A good Qawwali singer, if you like that kind of music, is Abida Parveen, but, as good as she is, she's not in the same class. Although she is one of a very, very few female Qawwali singers.

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:49 am

Their stuff is all over the place; I can't stand, for example, their cover of "Light My Fire", but Tracey Thorn sings the shit out of those two, and at least half of the tracks on Blue Lines are great.

Stevola July 31, 2012 at 1:22 am

Erection season? Have the Chinese taken over already?

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 1:34 am

John Lennon.

DahBoner July 30, 2012 at 7:01 pm

The conclusion, though, is not completely supported, either by past or present conditions.

I saw this sign once at an existential nude beach…

coolhandnuke July 30, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Before this Wall St. wizard bets his ranch on Mitt, he might want to read what the oddsmaker Nate Silver rates his chances. And Nate is rarely wrong.

Tundra Grifter July 30, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Intrade has Mr. Obama bouncing between a 15- and 20-point favorite.

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:03 am

Guessing we won't be hearing too much about the "wisdom of the market" on CNBC for a while.

ManchuCandidate July 30, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Morgan Stanley once told us that there was no such things as a housing bubble or a tech bubble and that US Amercia mortgage backed securities were excellent buys.

bobbert July 30, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Well, they had to say that, didn't they, because otherwise how could they take the other side of the trade?

fitley July 30, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Gay marriage causes, floods, hurricanes, toranadoes, volcanoes, death, mass killings, blizzards, drought, and you're trying to tell me that the stock market isn't affected? Impossible.

fitley July 30, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Does Mitt's level of stupidity in his comments have a direct proportional effect on the stock market or an inverse relationship.

Boojum July 31, 2012 at 9:17 am

It has a perverse relationship.

Texan_Bulldog July 30, 2012 at 7:22 pm

This dude is still smarter than Erin Burnett or Maria 'Money Honey' Bartiromo….put together.

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 11:54 pm

There's something about that Bartiromo. I may not be able to resist dry humping her through her pin striped suit if she had the unfortunateness of being on my elevator.

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:21 am

Joey Ramone, that you?

barto July 30, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Adam S. Parker – BOY GENIUS! That's why he makes the big bucks, people.

pinkocommi July 30, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Stocks go up. Stocks go down. You can't explain it.

tessiee July 30, 2012 at 9:07 pm

No, it's pretty easy, actually. all you need to do is…
Oh, stocks.
STOCKS go up and down.
*shuffles foot*
Never mind.

Boojum July 31, 2012 at 9:19 am

Stocks, the other -ocks word.

ElPinche July 31, 2012 at 12:20 am

It's like fuckin magnets and other miracles

OneYieldRegular July 30, 2012 at 7:37 pm

They're not even trying anymore.

Slim_Pickins July 30, 2012 at 7:43 pm

You don't remember the BIG McCain rally in August 2008?

James Michael Curley July 31, 2012 at 5:51 am

That was for about two and a half hours when a bunch of stoners thought he selected Tina Fey as Vice President.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 30, 2012 at 7:49 pm

All I need to know is how the market for shotguns and beans are doing. That will tell me everything I need to know.

littlebigdaddy July 30, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I mean the guy can't even look at a camera without looking smarmy and insincere.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 30, 2012 at 7:50 pm

This is so foolish. Everyone knows that Wall Street traders base their trades on the entrails of a sacrificed chicken.

vasty_derp July 30, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Supplied by Truett Cathy?

Boojum July 31, 2012 at 9:19 am

Traded for medical services.

zappadoo76 July 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Why would Wall Street support Romney? President Bammz is their buttboy. They supported him in the last election, and he gave them everything they wanted.

More likely, the market was oversold in the latest EU crisis, and this is an upwards correction.

BlueStateLibel July 30, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Rmoney will win election!–from the same people who told you to buy, buy Facebook shares!

Veritas78 July 30, 2012 at 8:49 pm

…while they were simultaneously selling those shares short.

Gleem McShineys July 30, 2012 at 8:22 pm

The best conclusions rely on complex formulas modeling aerodynamic interactions and dartboards, though systematic inertia-based roulette wheel analysis is often very reliable.

pdiddycornchips July 30, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Well if Wall Street is for it I'm against it and visa versa

Estproph July 30, 2012 at 8:24 pm

It must be in response to his cogent remarks about Europe, England, and Palestine.

James Michael Curley July 31, 2012 at 5:53 am

He still has to get through Poland without stating, "This morning when I abandoned the US."

weejee July 30, 2012 at 8:30 pm

The stock market is somewhere back east, somewhere. Clearly the 3-day bump in the stock market prices is due to anticipation of the Wonkette East Coaster Drinky meet-ups announced this past weekend. The marketeers don't think about shit 100 days in the future, they are totally in the now. This once and future saving of the eastern economies by teh Wonkette was so obviously the real reason.

102415 July 30, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Agreed.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 30, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Wall Street IS going to win this November, like usual.

And the rest of us will lose, like usual.

Doesn't matter whether it's Mittens or Obama who gets inaugurated in 2013.

You're a political scientist, right, Rebecca?

Surely they taught you this in the lab.

The Wall Street plan for the Obama-bubble presidency is that of the cleanup crew for the housing bubble: sweep all the corruption and losses, would-be indictments, perp walks and prosecutions under the rug and get on with an unprecedented taxpayer bailout of Wall Street.

That was May 7, 2008. And it's exactly what has happened.
~

tessiee July 30, 2012 at 8:55 pm

"Stocks Rally Due To Romney Win 100 Days In Future"

Is this like that law that says the fetus is a person 2 weeks prior to fucking?

DustBowlBlues July 30, 2012 at 10:35 pm

You must mean two weeks before a girl's onset of menses.

tessiee July 30, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Doesn't that picture look like Mitt is applauding for himself?

not that Dewey July 30, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Historically, moves higher in the market usually mean the incumbent president is likely to win, while sell-offs simply indicate the challenger is favored

Except when a black guy is president, then it's the opposite.

RadioBowels July 31, 2012 at 12:58 am

Three out of five analysts agree.

not that Dewey July 31, 2012 at 1:57 pm

You're terrible.

anniegetyerfun July 30, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I think I prefer The Onion's version.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/mitt-romney-soar

mr bojangles July 30, 2012 at 9:40 pm

no one has ever been elected president with a forehead of 50% or more of the facial area…i call bullshit on the wall street guru!

owhatever July 30, 2012 at 10:04 pm

* Prediction based on the historical fact that said predictor is full of crap.

DustBowlBlues July 30, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Hopey has been defying odds since he was in Columbia. He's also been one lucky sob. I'll go for lucky every time.

mosjef July 30, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Romnuts wins! Yay! Wall Street celebrates with other people's money. Obama wins! Yay! Wall Street celebrates by continuing to steal other people's money.

ibwilliamsi July 30, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Those time machines are teh bomb!

vasty_derp July 30, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Oh, so THAT'S what that ticking noise was…

obfuscator2 July 30, 2012 at 10:29 pm

heeeey what a fucking imbecile. i'm glad people like that aren't in charge of managing the money in my pension fund OH WAIT.

DustBowlBlues July 30, 2012 at 10:30 pm

My hand to God (and I'm a liberal Christian and a United Methodist who baked 23 homemade pies–including crust–for a church fundraiser and teach little kids SS, so I do not screw around with the Almighty) I had a dream the other night. Unlike Dr. King's, mine featured–swear to God, yet again–Mittens. He was working a rope line and someone in the crowd yelled a question I couldn't make out until Rmoney answered by yelling, "Yes. I'm wearing my magic underwear."

What could have been an ugly, ugly nightmare turned into a sweet dream, marred only by the fact I was in the rope line myself.

I swear I am not making this up. The end.

bobbert July 30, 2012 at 10:44 pm

What are you puttin' in those pies, DBB? ;>) You may want to ease up on the special filling.

Seriously, though, considering all the things he could have said, your subconscious let you off pretty easy.

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 10:51 pm

That is one weird dream, DBB. Whadya suppose it means?

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 9:23 am

I might suggest it means DBB spends too much time on Wonkette. But that would imply she should spend less time here … and I am opposed to that idea.

I'll shut up now.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 10:12 am

(Hugs HistoriCat) Don't you dare leave. Or not without me, anyway.

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 10:28 am

I'm not going anywhere – unless I have a sudden influx of work and have to buckle down. But that seems unlikely.

You can count on me to be here unless I'm not.

Designer_Rants July 31, 2012 at 12:07 am

I had at least one nightmare in October-ish 2008 that McCain won the election. Maybe falling asleep to Olbermann? I haven't watched more than an hour of cable news since then.

ImForMitt! July 30, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Now hang on people; this Morgan Stanley guy's on to something. If a business-hating socialist Kenyan realizes that investing 107.3 billion no-strings-attached taxpayer dollars into a financial institution that simply made some poor decisions regarding mortgage-backed securities during a housing bubble, then how much would it be worth to a pro-business mover/shaker like Mitt?

Mitt Romney knows the value of shoveling taxpayer dollars directly into CEO salaries where it does the most good for our economy. While there may be some short-term pain for individuals with insufficiently diversified portfolios (i.e. those who have investments in the housing market and 401Ks); or those whose primary forms of income involve the exchange of time and/or labor, Mitt Romney knows that these losses will be more than made up for by a profusion of lower-priced imported goods in big-box stores.

I'm for Mitt because he's not afraid to tell those stupid working assholes to FUCK OFF.

Designer_Rants July 31, 2012 at 12:09 am

Socialist.

DustBowlBlues July 30, 2012 at 10:37 pm

PS Watching the Last Word. Tee-paw is adorable when he's aiming to be a working class dude by saying the prez is all foam, no beer.

vasty_derp July 30, 2012 at 10:47 pm

And Mittens is all Mormon, no beer…?

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Considering how "all foam, no beer" TeaPawz is, he's got his fucking nerve, ain't he?

bobbert July 30, 2012 at 11:40 pm

T-Paw is more "no foam, no beer".

ElPinche July 31, 2012 at 12:32 am

T-paw is.zzZzzZzZZzzzZz ZzZzzzzzZZ…..

Boojum July 31, 2012 at 9:26 am

Romney is floam.

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:29 am

Lies! Floam has a use.

Boojum July 31, 2012 at 9:37 am

Infinitely malleable, entirely artificial, slightly greasy, entertaining when one rips it to shreds…what am I missing?

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:53 am

Kids like it.

vasty_derp July 30, 2012 at 10:44 pm

So is Lech Walesa senile, or did he endorse Mitt to support the Catholic/Mormon alliance? The current Solidarity leaders do not like Mitt's opposition to teh unionz, but that didn't surprise me.

bobbert July 30, 2012 at 11:42 pm

I don't think Lech has adapted well to being "elder-statesmanned".

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 1:00 am

Lech has turned into something of a wingnut, as of late. Not that he wasn't always a social conservative if even still a populist, but he got hooked up with our bad side some time ago.

Solidarity had to put his ass in check, yesterday, though, which I was glad to see.

RadioBowels July 31, 2012 at 1:00 am

Stupid Pollack.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 1:03 am

You leave Jackson out of this.

superdave July 30, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Keep fuckin' that chicken, CNBC.

102415 July 30, 2012 at 10:53 pm

I don't get this at all . When Republicans are President I lose about 30% of everything I have. Now I pretty much made it all back and a little more under Barry. I live in terror that Romney will win and I will have to push that damn rock back up the hill again. I am getting too old for this shit.

bobbert July 30, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Just for the hell of it, Rafalca's Twitter

ThundercatHo July 31, 2012 at 12:31 am

Fucking hilarious, bonus Dr. Ruth.

Mumbletypeg July 31, 2012 at 1:27 am

Pity — it has tweeted that the painting of Mitt Romney "Dancing With Rafalca" already sold.

ttommyunger July 30, 2012 at 11:22 pm

These fucking people are getting more hysterical and shrill by the hour. Who thinks this shit up?

Designer_Rants July 31, 2012 at 12:14 am

I hope Obama takes all their money and gives it to Greenpeace.

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:26 am

But who'd clean up all the head fragments?

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 10:11 am

I see JERBS!

Designer_Rants July 31, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Yes. You could take all the iron-rich head fragments and seed the oceans with it. The plankton blooms would sequester carbon to the depths of the seas. Win-win!

NYNYNYjr July 31, 2012 at 12:05 am

"I believe that the issue of settlements is something which should be discussed in private by the American president and our allies,"

More shit for the quiet rooms. The quiet rooms are totes the place to be, obvz.

If you don't like the new word Obvz, you're screwed. B/c it's gonna be evz.

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:23 am

In other words, he's only willing to publicly prejudice final status negotiations to the benefit of one side.

ElPinche July 31, 2012 at 12:19 am

"business-friendly" = WAR, baby!!

We got to feed the USA's brown-people killing addiction.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 12:26 am

Stop it, dude, I'm gettin' worried. (Looks around nervously) OK. They're not here YET.

RadioBowels July 31, 2012 at 1:03 am

Nothing like a neo-con pandering, draft-dodging (in Paris no less), chickenhawk, money grubber to make sure that happens.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 1:06 am

Wouldn't it be cheaper to simply feed the brown-people?

I know, I know. Halliburton can't make no money feedin' poorz.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 12:35 am

Here's the truth. No one knows why the market does what it does, which is why it's so fucking funny to see everyone and their mother every. single. day flapping on about why the market did what it did, that day. Well, let me rephrase that. No one but the people who control the market know why the market does what it does.

The idea of the "free" market is a joke, except that it's not a funny joke. Believe you me, insider trading isn't the exception, it's the rule.

Oh, and for good measure and to respect the snark of this fine establishment: Fuck Mitt Romney and the fancy dancing horse he literally rode in on.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 12:42 am

Oh, so this Morgan Stanley fellow is spouting totally unsupported bullshit…

Yeah, but what I find more galling is that CNBC decided to put it in print and then second-guess itself in the very same article. It's as if they don't really give a fuck or something…

RadioBowels July 31, 2012 at 1:05 am

And here I thought they were busy with covering handball or something for a few weeks.

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 9:27 am

I am inexplicably fascinated by team handball (and not just the women's teams, pervs) … I would watch that shit all day long if I could.

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:39 am

Pervs are NBC's target audience. At least this year they did actually air some of the women's court volleyball team. In 2004 the only women's volleyball they showed was beach, whereas the men's coverage was split 50/50 between court and beach.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Anyone else notice that it was so cold in London that they have everybody bundled up like Russian babushkas in Siberia or women in rural Afghanistan? I think it was like 50-something the other night during the women's beach volleyball tournament.

Callyson July 31, 2012 at 2:04 am

The conclusion, though, is not completely supported, either by past or present conditions.
Historically, moves higher in the market usually mean the incumbent president is likely to win, while sell-offs simply indicate the challenger is favored, according to research from S&P/Capital IQ.

So, the conclusion is based on wishful thinking. Sounds like much of CNBC's reporting. (Seriously, without Suze Orman, the occasional American Greed, and Gail Voz Oxley's shows {and she's Canadian}, CNBC would be *completely* worthless…

Designer_Rants July 31, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I used to be a financial advisor, and trust me, Suze's show and books are pretty worthless. Then again, every time someone calls in and wonders if they should take out a loan to buy a new Hummer for a family vehicle, and they have a total annual household income of 3 used Kleenex, and she talks them out of it, I suppose she's doing a public service.

bobbert July 31, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I don't have tv, and I've never read one of her books, but occasionally I'll see a column. I'd describe her stuff as "extremely basic" rather than "worthless". What I find annoying is the way she dispenses the very basic info as if it were some kind of exotic revelation.

But perhaps that's how she gets the attention of the folks you describe.

Negropolis July 31, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Common sense is not so common, as they say. I think she's so popular because she sells her opinion with conviction. It may not be ground-breaking stuff, but sometimes selling reassurance is popular.

Plus, watching to see what color jacket she'll have one on any given day is a drinking game in itself.

Designer_Rants July 31, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Gotta admit, I enjoyed the SNL parodies of her show, replete with jacket references.

Jus_Wonderin July 31, 2012 at 5:43 am

IT IS TOO EARLY FOR ME TO BE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. REALLY.

datechguy July 31, 2012 at 7:27 am

Of course they say it with a straight face, the people with skin in the political game have been voting with their feet running from Obama for a year, why would the people with skin in the financial gain not see this and act accordingly?

Dildeaux July 31, 2012 at 8:27 am

Its odd isnt it?

President Obamas faux Muslim religion is fair game for the CT'ers out there, but mittbots true faith, mormonism, is off limits for US journalists.

mittbot would not be beholden to the American voters should he win. He would be beholden to the LDS Living Prophet. If said Prophet says bomb Cuba, we bomb Cuba.

Remember, gawd wrote the Constitution, as per the LDS church.

DahBoner July 31, 2012 at 9:10 am

I think you misunderstood.

They said due to a "Romney wind".

When Romney cuts the cheese, Wall Street listens!

randcoolcatdaddy July 31, 2012 at 9:16 am

Today we are all Jim Cramer.

Tundra Grifter July 31, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I hope not.

randcoolcatdaddy July 31, 2012 at 1:24 pm

But without the pent-up rage and impending sudden stroke and brain hemorrhage.

bobbert July 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

The fuck you say.

Allmighty_Manos July 31, 2012 at 10:30 am

Criticizing CNBC for spouting totally unsupported bullshit is like criticizing mosquitoes for sucking blood. That's what they do.

Designer_Rants July 30, 2012 at 7:58 pm

And it'll cost ya 10% of the purchase price for that deep hand service

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Just what I always wanted. A Reverse Tonsil Massage.

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 10:45 pm

It *pleases* me.

MittBorg July 30, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I don't think anyone thinks he *can* be relied on for anything at all. Which is why all the pissing and moaning we've heard for the last year about just anyone else throwing their hat in the ring. It's becoming increasingly obvious that the top tier of GOP candidates did not think they had a chance of beating Barack Obama. Which is why the GOP has had to put up with Mitt.

I wonder if he's tone-deaf, arrogant, or if he's just praying he won't HAVE to win this thing. It's no fucking bowl of cherries, and he will srsly damage his legacy if he fucks up (and he will because running a business and running a nation are two very different things, and he's not doing so well already).

I'm afraid we are not entertaining any questions on that subject. Thank you.

ThundercatHo July 31, 2012 at 12:16 am

Is that some sort of gymnastics move or am I thinking of ice skating?

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 12:27 am

Oh, definitely ice skating. Nothing to see here, nice laydee.

sullivanst July 31, 2012 at 9:51 am

He can be relied upon to not be black.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 10:08 am

This is true.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I think I love you, D_R. No, wait, I KNOW I love you. And your wife, and your whole damn family, too. (Hugs D_R)

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Aw! I knew I could count on you (up to 16, right?). I hope the not-sudden-influx-of-work has no negative consequences. But I've grown very fond of my HistoriKitty and I don't think I'd want a Wonketz without it.

Designer_Rants July 31, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Right back atcha, MB. Thanks for the lunchtime hug, always nice.

HistoriCat July 31, 2012 at 1:59 pm

The only thing worse than being absent is no one noticing your absence.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 2:09 pm

That could never happen to you.

starfanglednut July 31, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Ok sweetie. Sorry, did not mean to pry.

MittBorg July 31, 2012 at 2:35 pm

(Hugs the girl fervently) It's OK. Some things are just too close to the heart sometimes.

starfanglednut July 31, 2012 at 3:44 pm

;)

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