Democratic Platform Endorses Mandatory Gay Marriages For All

  our terrifying modern world

Actual photo taken with Sullivan's instragramSome disturbing news for “traditional families” and their terribly insecure boy-girl marriages, from the Washington Blade: “The Democratic Party platform drafting committee approved on Sunday language endorsing same-sex marriage in addition to other pro-LGBT positions as part of the Democratic Party platform, according to two sources familiar with the drafting process.” Other confirmers have confirmed with the confirmy people. Are you reading this, Straight America? The Democratic Party has literally endorsed a mandate to end your straight marriage and force you to marry a gay person, like Elton John or the other one, within the next calendar year.

The Blade confirmed the news with Barney Frank, who knows everything that’s happening in the world thanks to his magical gay powers. The platform will not simply endorse gay marriage. That would be homophobic, if it ended there. But also rejects DOMA and supports ENDA, the evil twin acronyms who now make up the National Gay Agenda.

Retiring gay Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), who sits on the committee, told the Washington Blade on Monday that the 15-member panel unanimously backed the inclusion of a marriage equality plank after a national hearing over the weekend in Minneapolis, in which several witnesses testified in favor of such language.

“I was part of a unanimous decision to include it,” Frank said. “There was a unanimous decision in the drafting committee to include it in the platform, which I supported, but everybody was for it.”

Frank emphasized that support for marriage equality is a position that has been established for the Democratic Party, from the president, who endorsed marriage equality in May, to House Democratic lawmakers who voted to reject an amendment reaffirming the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this month.

A Democratic National Committee staffer, who is familiar with the process and spoke on condition of anonymity, said the language in the platform approved on Sunday not only backs marriage equality, but also rejects DOMA and has positive language with regard to the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. The exact wording of the language wasn’t immediately available.

Don’t bother spending too much time on wording; “we endorse the opposite of whatever Rick Santorum thinks about gays” should be fine.

[Washington Blade]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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257 comments

    1. kissawookiee

      I think it makes all straight male penises invert. You're a lesbian! And *you're* a lesbian! EVERYBODY'S a lesbian!

  1. LastGasp

    If I have to get gay married, can I at least be paired up with someone who is fabulous ?

    1. vulpes82

      HAM BISCUITS! (That's what he wants at the reception for his wedding to Raoul the poolboy: ham biscuit hors d'oeuvres.)

    1. MittBorg

      Geez, guys, you get to pick, OK? The leftover doods that nobody wanted have to do it through a Government Exchange program, kinda like the insurance thingy.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Okay, If I can pick and am forced to gay marry I want richest, oldest gay man around. Okay???

  2. miss_grundy

    This should make the right-wingers foam at the mouth at their convention. I can only imagine the shit they will be saying about the Dems and the Pres.

        1. YasserArraFeck

          Yes, there will be Santorum at the 'Tard Convention, even if Rick isn't invited.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Man, this is getting bad. At first glance I thought your post said "…into your own rear end."

        1. MittBorg

          I don't know about you, but that was happening to me A LOT during Dubya's second term, and I couldn't decide if it was my eyes that needed checking or my brain.

      1. tessiee

        Where do you think she got that freakishly long neck and that grotesque, bobbing, adam's apple? It's the result of centuries of deep-throating Satan's scaly pecker.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      See, the upside to Sir Elton is that when pass, he will take an old song out of this book and change the words to fit your particular life.

      Though, Zhivago is going to be hard to rhyme.

      1. tessiee

        "Zhivago is going to be hard to rhyme"

        "Bad, bad johnny zhivago,
        Baddest man west of Chicago"

    2. OneYieldRegular

      Me neither. That guy performed at Rush Limbaugh's wedding, so his gay marriage credentials are suspended indefinitely.

  3. FakaktaSouth

    Woo hoo Joe Biden, see what you started? I love you for this you crazy old hairplugging loud mouth – and would love to gay marry you, hoohah not withstanding. Do it again! Do women next.

  4. sudsmckenzie

    So I'm going to "have" to marry some buff, well groomed, successful, fun loving man who can cook Coq au Vin while making me a margarita? the horror!

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        "relief in the kitchen"

        That should have a 70's soundtrack. Waa waa waa chicka boom.

  5. JustPixelz

    I used to tell my wife I would leave her if she got a sex change operation. But now I know I love her too much to live without her. Nice try Demoncrats, but after Obamacare pays for the Operation, we'll still be married.

  6. BloviateMe

    Well, if I have to gay marry, I want to marry Karl Rove so I can be a complete bitch, make his life miserable and not put out no matter how much he begs.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      That's the dicktionary definition of "taking one for the team." I applaud your bravery.

    2. extreme_left

      you can have an affair with Limbo just to really break his heart.". am I not enough of a megalomaniac for you baby?"

  7. prommie

    Oh shit! Hetero marriages are all doomed, now! Gawd is gonna kill us all with Fire just like Sodom and Gomorrah (that was a song on the first Village People album, "Sodom and Gomorrah, Sodom and Gomorrah, cities full of hatred and lust. . . Because of all their lust the Lord decided destruction, was a must) all because we're gonna give fuck licenses for scissoring and ass-fucking.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I'm all but sure that the hetero-marriage part is the punishment.

      Scissoring and ass-fucking is good karma for avoiding that all together.

    2. MittBorg

      I gotta tell ya, most gay people have a very diverse sex life, and none of the lesbians I talked to had a clue about scissoring (although they're all grateful to Sarah Silverman for something new to try), and not all gay male sex is ass-fucking. Believe it or don't.

      1. prommie

        Now you know I oversimplify and perpetuate ignorant stereotypes only out of love, and with all respect, too.

          1. MittBorg

            I haven't had a problem with you before that I can remember. If something I said or did upset you and you want to discuss it, fine. If I'm being oversensitive because real life intrudes that way sometimes, let me know. OK? Because I'm not here to big-dick anyone else to death. I just wanna get along with everybody and have a good time. Thanks.

          2. MittBorg

            Booj, I'm not sure being big-dicked to death is a euthanasish way to go. I'm thinking it could be painful. I always envisaged euthanasia as, you know, lilies on a white bed, weeping women, candles. Dignified, I guess.

            Not anal stretching accompanied by loud screams.

          3. prommie

            That didn't exist when I was of an age to be diagnosed. I'm just someone who can't read social cues at all and inadvertantly offends people all the time. But I don't stand too close, and I have learned to modulate my volume.

        1. MittBorg

          I swear, none of the wimminz here seem to have heard of it. We're talkin' some OLD dykes who have been sexin' on the wimminz for 50 years and more.

          1. tessiee

            Nothing against lesbians, but I'm pretty sure I don't want *any* of my parts scissored.

      2. widestanceromance

        Gay sex is assumed to be those activities that either horrify or inspire straight men, thus, it's buttsex for the gentlemen and scissoring for the ladies.

        1. MittBorg

          I don't get why straight men get so hot at the idea of ladies sexin' each other and so horrified at the idea of dudes sexin' each other. If they're hot, they're hot, what does gender have to do with it?

    3. widestanceromance

      'South Park' and 'Liquid Sky' are to blame for the scissoring myth, I think.

  8. MosesInvests

    If I have to get gay-married, I want gender reassignment, and then a marriage to Rachel Maddow. Or Gillian Anderson. Or Jodie Foster. Or Portia DiRossi, if she divorces Ellen (nothing against Ellen, but Portia…!)

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    Can I get Daniel Craig? I mean, I'm straight, but if I had to fuck a guy, I'd fuck him. Clooney too.

    1. prommie

      I'd have to go with that Depp fella, if there was a gun to my head, of course, only with the gun to my head. Oh I am a fancy lad with my scarves and my purse and my fancy cocktails and tapas and such, but when it comes to penis, Do Not Want. Not that there is anything wrong with that, of course.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        OH NOW I am getting a gun. THAT would be a thing to see, you and Johnny Depp all tangled up in your scarves and such.

        1. prommie

          This is a true story, I was in the grocery store one day in a turtleneck, all in black and a big long silk scarf tied in a big knot like in France and wearing my purse, and a kid comes up to me, a young kid like maybe 8 or 10, and he looks up and asks me "Are you some kind of movie director or something?" Lord, I can at least pass for someone with style to a 9 year old.
          Don't you be getting no gun, we can work something out. I guess this is another application of the "threesome rule." You have to talk Depp into it, though.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            The girl gets to pick the threesome and this might work out, except you sound like you dress like my Gramma did.

    2. tessiee

      "if I had to fuck a guy, I'd fuck him. Clooney too."

      One of the few funny scenes on "Two and a half men":
      Alan: How do I know I'm not gay and just can't admit it to myself?
      Gay guy: Well, are you attracted to any men?
      Alan [thinks]: Maybe George Clooney?
      Gay guy [exasperated]: Oh, George Clooney doesn't count!
      Alan: Why not?
      Gay guy: He just doesn't!

  10. Hammiepants

    I'm sure the Teabilly Fucksticks will have some delightfully wingnuttian pronouncements on this! Like you'll have to defend your straight marriage in front of a "death to marriage" panel made up of Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper. 'Cause you know. They have Teh Gey!!!

      1. Boojum

        See, now this is the kind of thing that proves teh ghey are not so different from straights.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    "Retiring gay Rep. Barney Frank"

    How do you "retire" from being gay? Or do they mean "retiring" as in reticent, shy, reserved, introverted? No, I don't think so, not Barney.

  12. ThundercatHo

    But then won't we have to get straight divorced, get gay married, get gay divorced, abduct our children and move to S. America?

        1. prommie

          No, colbert is just so angular and skinny, he'd bruise you with the knees and elbows, I would think.

          1. MittBorg

            Methinks our dear little Prommie needs a round bouncy girl! You get special dispensation. Exempt from teh Forced Ghey Marriage.

          2. anniegetyerfun

            I like 'em short, myself, but I'd probably make out with Colbert. I mean, if I were being all straight and shit.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Lordy, I feel like Oprah today.

    You get a gay! You get a gay! EVERYBODY GETS A GAY!

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        Would it be sufficient if we avoided the suburbs and only made it to town?

  14. sullivanst

    Passing ENDA and repealing DOMA was part of the DNC platform in 2008, no? The party platform doesn't seem to mean all that much to certain party members (*glowers at Ben Nelson, et al.*)

    Still, better to have it than not.

    1. extreme_left

      ..perhaps some sort of annexation of the anus is called for 'specially since the Poles give it no respect.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    So if initially we had Bill Clinton who was the first "black" President who's a.) actually white and b.) kinda ill-poised to defend marriage;
    and now Obama as the first pro-gay (-marriage-rights) President who's a.) actually straight and b.) has well-demonstrated the idylls of a strong marriage:

    Aren't we just another election cycle or three away from our first Gay or Lesbian etc. President, and by extension, pro-gay-marriage embodying as such? This could be within my lifetime. Unless a straight woman gets to it first. I wonder. The possibilities thrill me to consider.

    1. shelwood46

      If I have this correct, the first actual gay president will be male and will be widely known as the First Female President, so we then get a woman in 20 years or so, too, also.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        "another election cycle or three" indicating, given enough time within my lifetime remaining, and with regard to how progress in perception has manifested itself — let alone the mistakes committed with impunity, I don't mean *those* election choices — I have a lot to hope for on behalf of women as well as those who are of different sexual orientation than me.
        Oh and the rest was just a little play on a pattern. An observation more than a quick-cooked conclusion.

      2. SorosBot

        But what about Buchanan?

        On the other hand, considering how he was one of the worst Presidents this country has had I can see why the gays aren't quick to claim him.

    2. MittBorg

      Yes, indeedy, and it makes me VERY happy. I never thought I'd live long enough to see this, I thought it would be at least another hundred years. It could happen, even in my lifetime, Mumblety. I could live to see a Vagina-American or Faggot-American take the White House!

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I don't see any reason why not. Though the White House re-decorating bill might be a little steep, especially if the First Gay Prez follows a Repub into office.

          1. MittBorg

            It would have to be *very* tastefully managed. Might have to replant the entire front area with a xeriscape garden, you know, to go with those no-longer-quite-so-white columns.

    3. HempDogbane

      Not too far away from the first gay President who uses the SS guys to abduct the First Child (FCOTUS) from his/her former wife/husband.

      1. widestanceromance

        Library head is the best, cuz you gotta be quiet when you really want to scream (or slurp dramatically, depending on where you are in the skullfucking equation).

  16. MittBorg

    YAY! Fuckin' A, man. I don't give a shit what anybody says, this is fucking great.

    Because you know what, fucking VIETNAM that we almost bombed right off the fucking map fifty years ago is on the point of legally permitting gay marriage. We should at least try to keep up with those poor Third-World countries we so despise, man.

    1. prommie

      Seems like an alarming segment of our society takes more to the kind of fundamentalist totalitarian theocracy model you see in, say, Saudi Arabia and The Taliban, than to any of the more "civilized" societies in the world, like Viertnam.

      1. MittBorg

        I'm amazed that someone like Hun Sen in Kampuchea is busy exhorting his people to accord equal respect to gay people and publicly discussing his openly lesbian daughter, and that VietNam's current leadership, all elderly, sees recognition of gay marriage as part of the pledge of equality they made so long ago.

        WTF is wrong with this country?

      1. MittBorg

        You're welcome. They're on the verge of doing it. This would make them the first country in Asia to legalize. I'm sure Thailand and Singapore will follow, and who knows, in 20 years, the rest of Asia.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          It's actually amazing to me that Vietnam would do it before China. I mean, it just shows how little I know about Vietnam, really. There's no worldly reason why China hasn't bothered to become gay-friendly, but for some reason, they resist.

          1. MittBorg

            Interesting, innit? I thought Singapore would be first, or maybe even the Philippines or Guam, but it's VietNam.

            Just from talking to Chinese friends, I think many Chinese feel that homosexuality is a Western capitalist corruption that a good Chinese would never permit or admit to. (And yet traditional opera is full of stories of girls dressing up as boys and fighting in wars, and men who took male lovers.)

          2. anniegetyerfun

            Yes, I just assumed that Vietnam, which was more or less culturally controlled by the Chinese for a long-ass time, would have had the same ideas about “Western corruption”. I think it might be tough in heavily Catholic countries, but I always assumed Thailand would get there first – which proves exactly how little I know about Thailand, as well.

          3. MittBorg

            I'm not sure I would consider VietNam "culturally controlled" by the Chinese, although it is certainly true that VietNam was the last of the countries with Chinese cultural influence to cease administering the "eight-legged essay." While the upper classes and the Northern peoples certainly experienced a great deal of Chinese influence, VietNam has a rich indigenous culture which accorded women a great deal more status and power than traditional Chinese culture. But YMMV, and I'm always happy to have my ignorance leavened.

    1. tessiee

      "my gay lover should be stocked"

      On the shelves of your local supermarket?
      gives a new meaning to "cleanup on Aisle 7".

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    Guess this means there's going to be a lot of happy closeted Republicans here soon.

    1. HistoriCat

      Not really – they don't want their boy-toys getting any ideas about "commitment".

    2. kittensdontlie

      I hear that House leader Boehner has dibs on Tom Delay, and how the tears will flow at that wedding!!

    1. vasty_derp

      Michelle will probably sneak in a requirement that any corpus must pass some fitness tests…

  18. HobbesEvilTwin

    In other news, the Republican National Committee announced today that its platform will include a denunciation of Plessy v. Ferguson.

    1. Charlie_Foxtrot

      Isn't it the same halo Joe Paterno had, that they painted over on the mural in downtown State College? Or was that one blood-red rather than rainbow?

  19. ThundercatHo

    Hey, I know, tell them everybody has to get gay married in an islamic ceremony. I can see the blood-vessels bursting already.

    1. Charlie_Foxtrot

      No kidding. Same-sex marriage merely extends the right to make each other miserable that straight people enjoy so much.

  20. pinkocommi

    I've never understood Republitards' position on gay marriage. No, we don't want gay people to make lifelong commitments to one another, we would rather they (a) have lots of illicit gay sex without the limitations of a monogamous marriage, or (b) marry their beards and live lives that are totally a lie. Look at Michele Bachmann – she not only opposes gay marriage, but she also practices it by being married to Marcus.

    1. Boojum

      If gays can marry, it reduces the number of people desperate for anxious anonymous sex in airport bathrooms. Really, it's all about their self interest.

  21. IncenseDebate

    On behalf of the great state of K-Y, I am proud to cast our entire slate of delegates for Ben Dover.

  22. OneYieldRegular

    Wingnut response in a nutshell: "They can have my traditional marriage when they pry it from my cold, dead, traditional marriage."

  23. Jukesgrrl

    I am 100% in favor of this so long as this lesbian wife of mine has some moniez. I can learn new skills, but I'll need incentive … the same kind traditional wives have always been accused of needing (e.g. a paid Visa card and dinner reservations).

    1. Boojum

      I want to legalize polyamory, next, if for no reason other than taking advantage of economies of scale.

  24. Antispandex

    Oh, oh, oh, I want Rachel Maddow. No, wait, if we married, then that wouldn't be a gay marriage, because only one of us is gay, and she's a girl and…shit, now I'm really confused.

  25. DahBoner

    This gay stuff is just another fad.

    I predict that 100 years from now, kids will just roll their eyes when you mention Assfucking

    1. MittBorg

      They already do. Wut, you didn't know that? Apparently, it's all the rage (assfucking) because you don't have to worry about pragnutz and how is babby fromed.

  26. Chet Kincaid

    This post reminds of traditional Cuban rumba (the real thing, not ballroom "rhumba"): When a man and woman dance together, they playfully perform the "vacunao." As they dance, the woman is on guard for a quick gesture from the man toward her playground area. If she blocks the gesture while dancing she "wins"; if he catches her off-guard, he "wins." So everybody do the Gay Cuban Rumba!!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdgURtb83VM

  27. chascates

    As long as this leads to interviews with Newt Gingrich about the sanctity of marriage.

  28. IceCreamEmpress

    I don't know whom to call dibs on, because alla my lesbian ladycrushes are already married. Anna Paquin's bi, right? Dibs on her.

  29. tessiee

    "Are you reading this, Straight America? The Democratic Party has literally endorsed a mandate to end your straight marriage and force you to marry a gay person"

    HELL YEAH!!
    Dibs on Stephen Fry!!

    What?
    Stephen Fry is a gay person; he said so himself.

  30. tessiee

    “The Democratic Party platform drafting committee approved on Sunday language endorsing same-sex marriage in addition to other pro-LGBT positions as part of the Democratic Party platform, according to two sources familiar with the drafting process.”

    Well, look who found their spine!

  31. anniegetyerfun

    I don't think I'd marry Elton John, but I'd be happy to fuck Joseph Gordon Levitt with a strap-on. Does that count?

  32. ttommyunger

    If these folk in both Parties could just get their attention above the waist for a little while, I would be one happy camper. I long for the good old days when dicks and pussies were confined to bedroom, motels, haylofts and the back seats of cars.

  33. notgross

    Since I'm a straight man myself, could they gay marry me to a lesbian? We'll both be miserable, but it'll be easier to explain to the family.

  34. elgin_pelican

    Onion quote: "First the military, now marriage. Why do gays want to participate in our worst institutions?"

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